Trying hard to win the war within yourself

Dear Bloggers,

My wife is going through some traumatic times as she is emotional abused for almost three years in a row by two psychopathic and narcissistic persons (managers) that did everything to bring employees down that didn't fit into their profile. The company gives them a lot of freedom and it is a very sick atmosphere. A lot of former employees signed for their resignation and got a few months pay so they agreed to keep their mouth shut. My wife wasn't in the flow for leaving the company as she enjoyed what she was doing and this was against all the expectations of her manager. He was not amused with the fact that she was putting up so much resistance to keep her job. 

She kept up the fight for three years and dragged herself to work everyday. I pulled the plug in February of 2014 and she was tired and mentally so beaten up. In the last two years we have been trying to get her back on her feet with psychological help and psychiatric assistance. She has been checked on a medical scale by a neurologist and she was tested on defects by a neuro psychologist, lucky enough that there is no damage found in the brain. She is diagnosed with Complex PTSD with a panic and a anxiety disorder. Our wonderful future has been destroyed by two bastards that should be held responsible. 
 
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is mostly associated with soldiers returning from war. After the horrors witnessed in such an unnatural setting, many wo/men have a difficult time returning to “normal” life, often suffering from flashbacks, panic attacks, and severe anxiety.

Contrary to popular misconceptions, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Acute Stress Disorder (or Reaction) are not typical responses to prolonged abuse. They are the outcomes of sudden exposure to severe or extreme stressors (stressful events). Yet, some victims whose life or body have been directly and unequivocally threatened by an abuser react by developing these syndromes. PTSD is, therefore, typically associated with the aftermath of physical and sexual abuse in both children and adults.

Any traumatic event can trigger it. Rape, assault, acts of physical or verbal violence, even repeated emotional abuse or the sudden split of a significant relationship, especially if abuse was involved.

Repeated abuse has long lasting pernicious and traumatic effects such as panic attacks, hyper vigilance, sleep disturbances, flashbacks (intrusive memories), suicidal ideation, and psychosomatic symptoms. The victims experience shame, depression, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, and an enhanced sense of vulnerability.

My wife is rather ashamed to admit that she has experienced them all. These last few weeks have made me realize just how deep the managers have traumatized me, she said. It was my husband who noticed, actually. He said that I was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD, and he was right. How embarrassing to be experiencing PTSD because of such a short-lived work-relationship. But all of a sudden there it is.

However, this reaction doesn’t reflect her or her ability to cope with it, as much as it speaks to the depth of the abuse. The depth of the trauma caused by emotional, cruel verbal, and even narcissistic pressure abuse, not to mention the sudden change in her personality and subsequent abandonment.

The first phase of PTSD involves incapacitating and overwhelming fear. The victim feels like she has been thrust into a nightmare or a horror movie. She is rendered helpless by her own terror. She keeps re-living the experiences through recurrent and intrusive visual and auditory hallucinations (“flashbacks”) or dreams. In some flashbacks, the victim completely lapses into a dissociative state and physically re-enacts the event while being thoroughly oblivious to her whereabouts.

In an attempt to suppress this constant playback and the attendant exaggerated startle response, the victim tries to avoid all stimuli associated, however indirectly, with the traumatic event. Many develop full-scale phobias (agoraphobia, claustrophobia, fear of heights, aversion to specific animals, objects, modes of transportation, neighbourhoods, buildings, occupations, weather, and so on). My wife has somethings the other way round for example she has no more fear of heights and isn't afraid of spiders anymore. Strange how the brain works

Her fear has been so great, that an email from him throws me into a panic attack, knowing that it just contains more pain. She doesn’t read them when they come in. In fact, she does not longer know if they are coming in or not, thanks to email filters that just delete them before we will even see them.
Thank goodness for technology.

Emotional abuse, like gaslighting as well as so many other insidious forms, is hard to recognize and even harder to prove. Let me first of all explain the gaslighting effect: “Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from. That’s because it plays into one of our worst fears – of being abandoned – and many of our deepest needs: to be understood, appreciated, and loved. The abuser is usually a very insecure person. He has a need to put others down in an attempt to make himself feel better. He must be seen as right at all times.” Often, the only indication that your partner is causing emotional damage is to trust yourself and how you feel.

• Are you asking yourself if you’re crazy?
• Are you questioning reality?
• Do you feel blamed for everything in the relationship?
• Do you feel unsafe to talk with your partner about anything? 
  
  
  
   
  

Certainly not all charming people are predators or abusive, but it is something of which to take note, especially if they are particularly charming. Please, please look closer, or perhaps, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Find out about their past relationships. How many? How did they end? Do they take responsibility for their actions? Their words? Are they relatively consistent in their words/actions?
indication: They don’t take responsibility for their own actions.
Please believe me when I say that these actions are insidious. I mean it. They are so subtle and often covered up by grand gestures of love and excessive affection. It is very intoxicating and convincing, but beneath it all there might be a constant assault on your sense of self through gaslighting and other forms of covert abuse.

The first step is recognizing abuse as abuse. One very surprising thing I learned about this over the past few weeks is that some types of emotional abuse feel like love. Another reason the trauma is so deep: it’s not just the damage , but it is unhealed damage from a lifetime of emotional abuse.

Research PTSD and Emotional Abuse. If you are exhibiting any of the signs, you might be trapped in a betrayal or trauma bond with the abuser. This makes it even harder to get away and heal.

Let us all learn how to protect ourselves from such people, for in this society, there is no other recourse. No way to prove it. No way to make them accountable for the damage they cause. Our only hope of defense against this type of abuse is to recognize the danger early, reinforce our armor, and get away before a trauma bond can be created. Slowly we start with counseling. To me it’s an interesting one, and it might be helpful to you, reading this blog, as it shows how one is in so much denial at first because of the shock and disbelieve, and how, if you commit to healing, you can uncover some pretty horrific things and extensive PTSD.

My wife quotes: “I might never be working again and damaged for life. Still, I’d rather know, accept, and heal than to fall into the same trap with another predator”.
Let's hope the future brings better times.



The Old Sailor,

Getting sick of being busy

Dear Bloggers, 
 
My thoughts are spinning through my head as I write this down tears are running down my cheeks. It is very sad how beloved persons are slipping through our fingers. The brain is a strange peace of equipment and it can do strange things. I just drove home from a night shift as my mind was running around in circles.

Thinking about the roller coaster life that I am leading. Outside there is nothing left of the summer weather as rain bashes on my screen and the smell of a died out fireplace enters the car. My wife is having trouble again with her anxiety, our kids went to new schools this week and my mother in law has been taken into care as she is suffering from Parkinson's an Dementia my father in law is not able anymore to take the full day and night care of her. It is pretty tough for both of them. But the home were she stays is giving her good care.

Dementia is often viewed as a disease of the mind, an illness that erases treasured memories but leaves the body intact.

But dementia is a physical illness, too and a progressive, terminal disease that shuts down the body as it attacks the brain. Although the early stages can last for years, the life expectancy of a patient with advanced dementia is similar to that of a patient with advanced cancer.
 

The continued focus on treatment to prolong life often means that pain relief is inadequate, and symptoms like confusion and anxiety are worsened. I think it suggests that family members would be far less likely to subject their loved ones to such treatment if they had a better understanding of dementia as progressive, debilitating illness that ultimately shuts down the body after years of mental deterioration.

“When family members understand the clinical course of dementia and the poor prognosis, the patients were far less likely to undergo these distressing interventions,” I would say that: “Dementia is a terminal illness and needs to be recognized as such so these patients receive better palliative care.”
Our mother in law is suffering from Parkinson's disease and to me there are a lot of similarities to Alzheimer's. 

As a teenager, I saw a neighbour decline from Alzheimer's disease. During his final months, he was repeatedly treated for infections and put in restraints or sedated to control agitation.

“Seeing my mother in law in that state is so distressing that I will eventually stop taking the grandchildren to visit,” Simply transferring a dementia patient from the nursing home to a hospital can lead to confusion, falls or a decline in eating which in turn, often leads to further treatment.

Geriatricians say a large part of the problem is that the patients are unable to make their wishes known. In the absence of a living will, family members often struggle with guilt and are afraid to stop the aggressive treatment because they do not want to be seen as abandoning a loved one in mental decline.Doctors need to spend more time explaining the prognosis for advanced dementia, making it clear that palliative care does not mean less care. 
 
When I go there on a Sunday to visit my mother in law and take her for a strawl, I enjoy the home that breathes slowly and reminds me that on the outside of this building the real crazy people are running around in circles. Driving in a full panic state with their SUV with the kids in the back to all kinds of sports. That is why I do not like the pressure were we are under nowadays.

I saw a dear friend a few days ago. I stopped by to ask her how he was doing, how his family was. He looked up, voice lowered, and just whimpered: “I’m so busy… I am so busy… have so much going on.”

Almost immediately after, I ran into another friend and asked him how he was. Again, same tone, same response: “I’m just so busy… got so much to do.”
The tone was exacerbated, tired, even overwhelmed.

How did we create a world in which we have more and more and more to do with less time for leisure, less time for reflection, less time for community, less time to just… be? Welcome to the land of Burn Outs.

This disease of being “busy” (and let’s call it what it is, the dis-ease of being busy, when we are never at ease) is spiritually destructive to our health and well being. It stops our ability to be fully present with those we love the most in our families, and keeps us from forming the kind of community that we all so desperately crave.

Since the 1950s, we have had so many new technological innovations that we thought (or were promised) would make our lives easier, faster, simpler. Yet, we have no more “free” or leisurely time today than we did decades ago.
For some of us, the “privileged” ones, the lines between work and home have become blurred. We are on our devices. (getting the bended neck syndrome) All The Freaking Time. Smart phones and laptops mean that there is no division between the office and home. When the kids are in bed, we are back online.

The reality looks very different for others. For many, working two jobs in low-paying sectors is the only way to keep the family afloat. Twenty percent of our children are living in poverty, and too many of our parents are working minimum wage jobs just to put a roof over their head and something resembling food on the table. We are so busy.

The old models, including that of a nuclear family with one parent working outside the home, have passed away for most of us. We now have a majority of families being single families, or where both parents are working outside the home. It is not working. It is modern slavery to pay all the bills from the tax office etc.

It doesn’t have to be this way.
I am not asking how many items are on your to-do list, nor asking how many items are in your inbox. I want to know how your heart is doing, at this very moment. Tell me. Tell me your heart is joyful, tell me your heart is aching, tell me your heart is sad, tell me your heart craves a human touch. Examine your own heart and explore your soul, and then tell me something about your heart and your soul.

Tell me you remember you are still a human being, not just a human doing. Tell me you’re more than just a machine, checking off items from your to-do list. Have that conversation, that glance, that touch. Be a healing conversation, one filled with grace and presence.


We need a different relationship to work, to technology. We know what we want: a meaningful life, a sense of community, a balanced existence. It’s not just about “leaning in” or faster iPhones. We want to be truly human.
How exactly are we supposed to examine the dark corners of our soul when we are so busy? How are we supposed to live the examined life?

Somehow we need a different model of organizing our lives, our societies, our families, our communities. I want my kids to be dirty, messy, even bored and learning to become human. I want us to have a kind of existence where we can pause, look each other in the eye, touch one another, and inquire together:


Let us insist on a type of human-to-human connection where when one of us responds by saying, “I am just so busy,” we can follow up by saying, “I know, love. We all are. But I want to know how your heart is doing.”

The Old Sailor,

Summertime is not always fun

Dear Bloggers,

This is the time of year to make the whole Internet smell like coconut flavoured sunscreen. And campfire logs things that I associate with Summer. And of course the smell of fresh-mown grass.

It's like when you imagine the Internet will sparkle like fireflies and humming bees and butterflies in the garden. Stretch yourself out on your lawn, with that scratchy grass tickling the backs of your legs. Reading a book and fall asleep in the morning Sun.

The smell of grilled burgers on the back deck in the garden. The sound of kids playing in the pool. The sweet taste of a fresh mixed Mocktail, with cubes clinking against the glass on a sizzling summer afternoon.

These are vacation stories. We want to do some crazy roller coaster rides and our summer BBQs and our trips to museums and our lazy days in the garden. Maybe this are our best vacations as we are poor and having trouble to plan a day out. Hopefully one day life will surprise us, we just should not lose hope.

Tell me: Where have your best vacations taken you? Or kept you? Did you go far away, or stay right at home? What are your best vacation stories?
While the stereotypical summer vacation usually involves a caravan or a beach, the vacations most of us take are much less nostalgic and far more varied than that. Or even if there is a beach or a caravan, it’s not the one we see in movies or read in books. They are most of the time less romantic. Some of the best vacations, in fact, don’t involve packing or traveling at all; they happen in the backyard or on the front porch. I am telling you some of our best vacation stories, the ones where things didn’t turn out as expected, where plans changed and so did we. As I share what happened when we step away from every days business for vacation.

We probably won't be lazing away your summer by the pool, but with a little extra planning we'll still be able to create your own kind of magical summer memories.

Lazy days aren't really a thing
My favorite part of summer vacation is lazy days without a single plan in the world. In a perfect world, I would sleep in, enjoy a slow morning while the kids played and then we would all take off on a spontaneous adventure. Yes, did you picture that! The reality is that my daughter, thrives on structure and needs to know exactly what's going to happen throughout the day. And my spouse needs to know in advance what she can expect otherwise she is not capable to manage all the signals from everything around her. Lovely thing that is called PTSD. My other daughter is having a job and so that means our summer activities during vacation need to be planned as it is a school day. Sigh.

To keep things manageable but still fun, providing structured activities for our kid and my wife can reduce their stress and help us all get more from our summer vacation. A bit of organizing nut fun for all of us.
Therapies don't take breaks.

Most of us look forward to the break from the school year. When you're in my position it's a never ending story. There's a seemingly endless round of therapies, and none of them pause for the summer.

If anything, summer is sometimes more hectic than the school year because we have to fit all of these therapies in around those memory-building moments we're we loose track of what day of the week it is. Good luck we need for finding the energy to have a backyard camp out after a long week of shuttling from therapy to therapy! The good news is that often our kids are much less interested in new adventures than we are, and they don't mind taking it easy after a long day of therapies. They drop on the couch with a book or a cell phone.

It costs a fortune to get my wife the care she needs
I swear by my wife's equine therapies and she loves going to them, but they aren't cheap. Plus, she has to be taken there as she is not capable to travel on her own due to panic attacks; she requires special needs for a summer break and needs to be prepared to make it work, and all of these specialized therapies and going to camp out come with a price.

As much as we might want to take our family to exotic destinations or even to the lake for a long weekend, the money we spend on fuel and specialized therapies can leave us with nothing left to spend on summer fun. It's bitter when you work hard but you don't make enough to cover the costs.

Summer fun isn't so fun.
Most kids love going to water parks or play spaces, but for my wife these places can trigger sensory overload. Heat, noise and crowds are the biggest trigger hells, and that can leave us scrambling to fill these endless summer days. There are few places that appeal to kids and that don't get to crowded during the summer, so often we find ourselves spending more time at home (even though we'd really rather be out and about).

This is even more challenging when we have a neuro-typical kid, too. Balancing the needs of kids who are begging to go to the lake or the splash park is always a challenge when the same places they love create anxiety and fear in my spouse. There's no right or wrong answer, but it's easy to feel like we aren't meeting any one's needs during the summer.

Going on a trip is sometimes like a really bad trip to the dentist
I've always loved to travel. But for my daughter, going on a trip is extremely exciting and for my wife anxiety-inducing, even if it's only for a day. She relies on her dogs for comfort and the familiarity and of our home for stability, and being away from them for any period of time is eating all her energy and due to the anxiety she is getting easily upset. 

No matter how much we talk through the details of the trip ahead of time, there's no predicting how it'll go exactly. We've had terrible meltdowns on road trips and perfect planned rides, but the one constant in our travel experiences has been the lack of consistency.

Through the years, I've learned to plan the best I can and just ride the wave of whatever happens. My daughter may have meltdowns and my wife will get triggered in public places, and people may be huge jerks about it, but we enjoy the day out, and the rest of the world can just suck it up and deal with a meltdown once in awhile. Part of being a partner and a dad is the part learning to accept what you can't change and letting go of any and all guilt or embarrassment about it.

There's no break ... for us
It's important to find ways to take care of ourselves over the summer, not just our kids. That's easier said than done when there's few breaks to be found, but if we don't prioritize ourselves we can't be the moms and dads our kids need us to be or the parents we want to be. Being an caretaker dad/husband/man is a huge part of my live, but it's important not let our entire identities become consumed by our parenting either. I need to do silly man things and be a lover even though it's hard sometimes.

Most of all, we all need to remember that it's often a tough path but we're in this together. Find your support group and share your experiences with fellow spouses who have to deal with it as well. Just don't forget the drinks.



The Old Sailor,

Old Sailor on a low carb and cleaner diet

Dear Bloggers,

Eat more of the good. Eat less of the bad. That is what the dietitian told me a couple of weeks ago. And yes I was skeptic until I started losing weight.
That’s the whole idea behind clean eating. It’s all about, well, cleaning up your diet so that there’s a greater focus on whole foods (think fruits, vegetables, protein and healthy fats), and less reliance on processed or refined foods.
The benefits of adopting a clean diet are pretty clear (reduced incidence of disease, increased quality of life, and a longer life expectancy, just to name a few). But ditching the donuts, pizza and mocha lattes can be a lot tougher than it sounds. (Seriously, if you need proof, check out how many people around you are more obese than you?)

The good news is there’s no need to wing it. Here’s your plan to help get your eating on track.Start Clean Eating Without a Hitch

“Trying to loose some weight and the best motivation to inspire change comes from within.”

Pinpoint your reason ‘why.’
Building any new healthy habit will absolutely require some effort, and eating clean is no exception. That’s why it’s so important first to determine what’s inspiring you to change. Maybe you signed up for a race or have a reunion coming up and want to look your best. Maybe you’ve been feeling sluggish and want to increase your energy throughout the day. Perhaps you’re thinking about your long-term health like me as I am a diabetes type 2 and about 40 kilos overweight and I wondered about what I can do to stay healthy in the near future. These are examples of getting motivated, positive reasons to aim for cleaner eating. And that’s a good thing. So I started with checking in with a diabetes nurse and a dietitian.Cleaning up your diet because someone told you to do it, or because you feel guilty about your current eating habits just isn’t as powerful.It has to come from within.

Determine first of all how much time you’re willing to commit.
Making meaningful life changes can often take several months or more. “People need to be aware that any goal worth achieving is going to take time. There is no fast-track to developing life-changing habits,” says a clinical counselor of health behavior change.

After establishing your ‘why,’ it’s time to sit down and think about how much you’re willing to devote to the process, from meal planning and doing grocery shopping, to food preparation and cooking. Making a relatively minor diet twists is like changing your usual snack from a bag of chips to a piece of fruit each day, might be a habit achievable in the short-term. But shifting towards a truly cleaner diet is a much longer-term objective for most. Have an hour to steal from your Sunday TV line-up? That could mean prepping healthy lunches for the entire week. Have 30 minutes a day? How about kicking your greasy takeout habit for good with preparing healthier meals within 30 minutes. Expensive is not the word even on a budget you can cook more vegetables and eat less potatoes for example.

Do a thorough audit of your current diet.
Despite the growing obesity epidemic, 90 percent of our Dutch adults report themselves as having a healthy diet. But how healthy is it really? I kept a food journal, and there’s no escaping the truth, I talked to a certified wellness coach who is training ice skating youngsters. “So often we think that we are on track, but when we actually see on paper what we are consuming, it is easier to tell where we might need to cut back,” he says. He told me to start a food journal (or download a fancy apps), and begin tracking everything you eat and drink for at least three days. This will help you gouge your starting point and allow you to identify any patterns emerging. Next, simply make two lists:

1. The not-so-healthy foods you want to reduce or remove from your diet. Note: If this list gets long, pick three to five obvious choices that you would like to deal with first (e.g. soda, fast food, sugary snacks, etc.).
2. The nutritious foods that are missing from your current line-up. A clean diet focuses on eating high-nutrient foods, not simply cutting out the junk. How many veggies are there? If you’re coming up short, come up with three to five you like most and add those to your weekly grocery list.
   
   
   

Choose your targets wisely.
After listing the less-healthy foods you want to reduce or eliminate from your diet as well as the healthy foods you want to incorporate, the next step is to make some strategic choices. Setting a few small goals that you can consistently act on is a much more effective approach than trying to take on everything at once. And they can add up fast.

Changing your life starts wit selecting one habit…only one habit per month.You can choose any habit whatever you think will have the biggest impact on your life.” What small clean eating habit are you going to target first? And which changes will likely to offer you the best chance of success? At the start of every new month, simply add on from there.

Make your goals specific and measurable.
Let’s say you want to begin the process of cleaner eating by tackling your evening cookie obsession or your bag of chips. But how exactly do you go about defining this goal? Maybe you’ll make a statement based on moderation: “I’m going to stop eating so many cookies.” But what does that mean exactly? Is one cookie per day allowed? Does the type of cookie matter?

Be specific and make your intentions measurable: “I will put all the cookies in the jar and will only take one out per day.” Or better yet, “I will stop eating preserved prepacked treats and allow myself one of these healthier homemade protein bites after dinner.” There is no ambiguity in this statement. You have a clear path that will lead you to control your sweet tooth.

The same goes for adding healthy foods to your diet. Saying “I will eat a low-fat quark instead of bread each day for breakfast” is a specific action that will ensure your breakfast is already healthier than before. It's your life and you choose.

Shop with a purpose.
Just like eating itself, grocery shopping is based on habits. You likely follow a certain route when you hit the store, so be prepared to forge a new course (hello, green stuff and meat!). Bring a detailed grocery list, and stick to it. (Extra tip: Avoid those chips and soda aisles altogether.)

Sure, some research shows that clean eating will put a bigger dent in your bank account than a diet filled with cheap convenience foods, but that doesn’t have to be the case. Some clean eaters practise a meatless Monday to reduce their grocery bills. Looking for in-season products, and buying in bulk are two other ways to keep your food costs down. I am eating sometimes two days in a row the same vegetables to keep the costs in hand. I am saving money by doing it like this.

Meal prep now, eat healthy when it counts.
Last but not least, it’s time to turn those healthy ingredients into clean,wholesome meals you’ll love. Start by searching out simple recipes that you can whip up quickly. You can find inspiration on healthy food blogs around the web, or get one of these free recipe magazines in the supermarket and check out which recipe is something for you.

Sure, preparing a meal is likely going to take a little more work than slapping together some pasta or grilling some burgers or anything like fast food’s, but you don’t have to do it all by hand either. There are all kinds of kitchen gadgets or pre cut that can help get the job done with less effort. And be sure to prepare in extra large batches so that you have plenty of leftovers to freeze for easy clean eating all week long.

When it comes to clean eating or any other health-related goal, achieving a sense of mastery is vital. When you experience success, you are likely to want (and get) more. Keep working on it until it becomes manageable, effortless, or even automatic.

When the effort is gone you’re ready to take on a new challenge, something that will move you closer towards a truly clean diet. What is the next “20%” that you want to work on? Again, the clean eating process takes time. But imagine how you will feel when you can look back, you might be ready to pick up something sporty, and see all the positive changes you’ve already successfully made. 

In my case I started with walking in the park with our dog and with my family. After half an hour I was done. I do this once a week and I challenged myself within six months I pushed myself to walk for 2 hours and approx. 10 kilometres. And yes I lost nearly 10 kilo grammes in the last six weeks. Yes you can do it just be positive.

The Old Sailor,