The Old Vase

Dear Bloggers,

Finally, after a time of moving and renovating (not yet completely finished), I find the peace of mind to start writing again and yes, I have neglected your readers for quite a long time. I therefore hope that you can pick up the thread again and I hope you have not missed me that much. I will try to write again on a more regular base. As you probably know, my love has a complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to her work. She has been completely demolished mentally by two managers at the Royal Telecom Company. It is very sad to see that someone is being robbed of their independence and that those people just get away with it. Lawyers do not see much in a lawsuit and these big companies have so much power that it will be a waste of money to fight for about two years and come to a tipping point what we would call a settlement in the Netherlands. And then I am not even talking about the mental scars that will be ripped open again especially for my wife. No, I want to save her this pain. However, I will try to express what it feels like for us as a family.

Over the years, I have started to dig in deeper into the background of psychology and that a person can put a lot of situations into perspective. A requirement is that you dare to expose yourself and you're not afraid of the opinions of others. You must also be open to slow but certain developments and absolutely continue to believe in yourself and your partner. Together you can achieve a lot, if you are only there for each other.

“I first heard of a psychologist and later a colleague at work about having in-depth conversations. That colleague then benefited greatly from the talks. So I decided to go to therapy. At first only for my wife, but it made me increasingly angry. It was the unfairness of some jerk who thought that if someone did not leave, he would have to take care of it personally. What a nauseous game was played and nobody did a thing. I went with her to the conversations every time. When the therapy that my wife got was still not finished after two years, the discussions continued on and on, but there was not much added value for me. My wife was sliding into a deeper and darker inner person and more and more went to work alone with the therapist. After a huge crisis where she left home and hopped in the car in deep state of dissociation. As we did not know how this would end we called the police and they were looking out for her. Lucky enough she came to her senses and drove back home. The therapist was called and the therapist is now coming at home and therefore she did not have to come with me anymore. ”

“Initially I was rather skeptical about psychosocial in the beginning
support. "I really don't need that." In retrospect, it helped us a lot. We both received concrete and practical tips for our way of thinking. They were often very small and simple things. Of those things that I thought: why didn't I come up with this ideas myself? "

As an example, the therapist draws a vase, which during
the therapy would serve as a metaphor.

This requires some explanation, I think:
"In a" normal "situation, this vase is filled with a lot of energy.
But this vase of ours has a very ugly and deep crack, which drains the energy. This makes the leaves fall off. A solution had to be found here.

At one point she felt a little better again; and her energy was somewhat replenished. Bold that she was, she walked around thinking: "I am as good as new and I am feeling actually better" and went back to her old routines as she was used to. But the vase soon became empty again. That hole first had to be fixed. In the meantime I have learned to think differently and I now deal with it differently. We now distribute our energy better and in a different way. ”

“Occasionally, during the conversations with the psychiatrist and the therapist, it was rather deep in the past. The way of thinking becomes
also formed by what you have experienced. Where the hell does all this fear come from? What gives rise to those gloomy thoughts? Why do you sometimes see things that are not there at all? What are you doing? What do you think? One hundred questions and nothing really changed the lack of energy was every session the biggest problem. In the beginning, the conversations were quite heavy and in the beginning we had to stop often enough halfway. And despite the intensity, the conversation was often uplifting. After such a conversation, we always went on happy. Then we had the feeling: it is heavy but maybe it is not so bad. "

"When we were advised to do more with mindfulness, I thought," that is all too vague to me and really not for me ". But I tried and it helped. We have learned to put things and events into perspective more and more and it gave us both peace. Also in my job as a bus driver where I occasionally meet young people who have been marked for life by stupid harassment, like being bullied. I could put the world around me in perspective a little better. ”

The old porcelain vase that was always so dear to me because it was so beautiful and graceful, we still tried to put the pieces together and glue them together, but even if we did the job so precisely when you look closer you will still see the cracks and the energy is slowly but surely running out of the cracks. It will never be the same again. 

 

Now we have learned that the old vase can no longer be saved, it must be replaced by a beautiful new transparent thin glass vase. "The vase comes like in the good old days on the foreground just like before and it is our new vase," Although the new vase is more fragile than the old one and we have to be careful as it cannot contain as much energy as the old vase. Just let me explain that. The new vase is elegant, fragile and transparent, so you can see that it contains energy. Water gives energy to the flowers. The broken vase has been renewed. Now we have to try to save the withered flowers that have been damaged. We only can try?

The Old Sailor,

How to stay in balance

Dear Bloggers,

The happiness season is on our doorstep again and this will be the second Christmas with my spouse who is suffering from PTSD. Our family is dealing with the situation and our eldest daughter is together with me the ones that give informal care. I have had a couple of comments come to me about “balance”, and a few made me realize that there is more to talk about regarding this subject.

First of all I have to add my note here…I am not a doctor of any sort or in any medical field, the information I bring to you is based on our personal experiences, opinions, and what we have learned along the way in this life journey. I am simply a spouse and a caregiver of one with PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks and other medical conditions… that brings awareness and support to others through our personal lives.

Balance is a word that I want to use a lot. Okay, more than a lot, more like all of the time, it’s extremely important to me and more than just a word, it’s a part of life. It’s a word that in reality years ago I did not even think about, and sure had no need to use that word as everything was running smoothly (so I thought), I did not realize that it was even something that existed when it came to “life”… or was needed. When I heard others use the words “balance” and “energy”, was another, I just tossed them to the side, “What? I don’t need those!” I was one of those people just like many others that just loved life, and life was something you just lived. So why would I need this thing called “balance” ? It was just another word, that back then, I myself dismissed. I was working like a mad man some days about sixteen hours and always with a smile.

After PTSD and other mental conditions became a part of our lives, I learned really fast what “unbalance” was! That foot-loose, carefree, just love and live life to it’s fullest person I was, changed! All of a sudden everything in life became serious, things happening brought an urgency, and along with that came worry, anxiety, panic, discomfort, fear, emotional hurt, and the list could keep going. That’s what I myself was experiencing, and I’m not the one with PTSD, my spouse is! None of these things were me, they hurt, and I had to find this crazy thing called balance again. Then, take all of those things my spouse did like cleaning house and paying bills, taxes and making phone calls to companies that messed up their own administration. For those who never done this kind of tasks, I can tell you it is a lot, NO, that’shoukd be overwhelmingly a lot!

It took a life experience, okay we had many experiences to the point it seemed like we were in total new period in our life and it was on the dark side of it, for me to realize and start understanding that life does indeed NEED a kind of balance. It does not matter if your life is great or your life is like hell, that term “balance” and putting it to use, can really change things.

Let me back up for a second, I used the term “hell”. I do not use or say that word very often. So if you hear it, it’s serious and here’s my view of what that means. It is the deepest, darkest, no view of a way out, You've been dropped in a black hole, you will fall in where no matter how hard you struggle it will bring you to your knees. There’s no light, there’s no hope, and that place will push you to want to give up. A place lacking balance. Okay, that’s “hell” to me, you get my point. Thank God, I am an old army guy and theres only one way even your wounded partner needs to go there and that is going forward.

I was recently told, “I’m glad you found and have a balance in your relationship, wish we had that…” I stopped what I was doing when I heard that, and I really sat back and thought about it and the way it was used in this particular sentence. I did not take it in a negative way, but the way it was said was a little misleading of a thought to what balance is for us. As well as what it takes and what comes with it.

Balance is not something that you get or find, and then it just stays there. Balance takes constant work, a lot of energy and time, effort, it takes a “give and take” when it comes to the relationship, which is difficult with someone having PTSD it is a real part of life. And there are times, many times, that balance is not present and we have to work to get it back, or some sort of back that we can manage and live with, for whatever length of time it remains.

Then there is still the fact that I am in a caregiver role, My spouse has very real life mental conditions to where I have to help as there are a lot of challenges, which means there is not and will not be an equal balance in our relationship. Again we had to find a balance that was comfortable for us, and continue working on balance itself. I had to let go of what was our balance or normal before the mental conditions. The brain and the way it functions now, does not allow for an equal balance, it’s something we continue to work on. That acceptance is what helps us have a balance. Living with mental illness is tough enough without adding to the burden of illness the pain of rejection and stigma.

At the moment there are no high expectations, or an expectation that things will be equal again, the only expectations at hand are that we can make it work together. It is a constant effort, as well as neither of us giving up on each other or giving in to PTSD. Balance is not something that comes easy, it does take hard work and effort, as well as keeping in mind that her brain does not function like it used to. Which again, is something that we continue to work on because there is always that chance it can always be better than it is today, only time holds the answer to that.

Then you have personal balance. Now, this one I have pretty much mastered, if there even is such a thing. However, I am human and at times I will lose my self balance for a moment (just like anyone else). That’s when I have to reflect on myself, who or how I truly am, whatever experiences or situations were at hand, use my coping skills, take time to think, then approach and talk about what happened… address the situation or why I became unbalanced.

I learned that pointing fingers gets you no where good, excuses are not a part of this process it’s about explaining so you can move forward together and understand each other, repair the unbalance, as well as the relationship with whomever is involved. And at times it is just simply me that lost focus, or just simply having a bad day. Accepting and admitting without dwelling on self blame or with guilt, along with everything else I did, mentioned above, when a human unbalance comes, is how I find my balance again. Again, it takes effort, work, as well as reflecting on yourself… and either person can learn to do this.

I am a firm believer that there is always something else that can be done, it may take time to find what works or to understand how, but never lose hope, there is something. We know that PTSD does not just go away, some may be able to place it in a box, but the reality is it is still there and only takes one trigger to bring it back out. Life changed, for each of us. PTSD is there for life and you only can make the best out of it. Happy holidays and enjoy what you have got, live life and think about having some balance in your life.

The Old Sailor,

The Silent Abuse or the Mind Game

Dear Bloggers,

Today I will write about what is happening in my neighborhood to a person that I love. But her boss is an absolute ….. and a bully from the high end. He is probably brought up with this behavior as he is from a total different culture as the Western European one. He really knows how to bring someone down and abuse them until they are leaving.

Crazy enough the company gives them a free hand to play their game unless someone stands up to him and complains. We have all suffered many forms of abuse during your school time  or at work or even maybe at home but the least talked about is “The mind game” otherwise known as the silent treatment, 

Deliberately ignored to cause harm to another person’s mental well-being, sent to Coventry and it’s one of the most harmful methods of abuse used by abusers who feel that: “If they do not use their hands to physically abuse then it isn’t abuse.”

Wrong way of thinking, I would say.

It is abuse to ignore some ones needs emotionally and make them feel worthless and depressed and will cause long term damage that in many cases can lead to the victims’ physical health being harmed.

To deliberately cause harm to someone by use of the silent treatment, deny a person any emotional care, deny them any praise, starve them of love, affection, compliments, positive feedback, to regularly reject, degrade and deny a person any emotional responsiveness and to ignore a person’s needs is mental abuse or also known as psychological abuse.

It is repetitive abuse that’s aimed at controlling, diminishing another person’s well-being in order to hurt, punish, harm or control them. The silent abuser is able to switch himself off emotionally to the pain and suffering he is causing his victim and will deny he is the problem and he may tell himself or others that he is the victim.

You will stop being a victim when you become the abuser

The abuser is capable of closing down all reasonable sense of emotions and turn into a cold heart very fast as he withdraws into his own world without any care for his victim’s distress.

The abuser will behave in society charming, calm, happy, he will be seen by others as a pillar of society, gentle natured, helpful, kind, caring and fool the outside world into thinking he is abused and his partner is the abuser. This is classic for a mental abuser. They will have their partner labelled as a mental case whilst he plays the victim and saint and makes her the subject of every ones rejection by labelling her with an unbalanced mind.

The true victim will be further rejected not only by her abuser but also by his friends, work colleagues, family and others he is likely to meet. The abuser needs to feel in control and he will seek constant approval from those around him and convince them that he’s the true victim. They will offer him advice and he will feed off their pity which will make him feel even more in control as he plays the victim.

The true victims may withdraw from all social activities, work, stop seeing family, they stop being fun, will see everything in a negative light, stop eating which is the start of dangerous health issues, cry alone, send text terror messages as a means to fight back which only gives the abuser more ammunition to abuse her with as he will use that as a further excuse to ignore and make her look bad in front of others.

The abuser will happily share the text messages because he wants everyone to see him as the victim. The true victim will stop functioning on all levels as the mind games take over her life. She will find it hard to think of anything else but what is happening to her. The victim will fight with her own mind and struggle to work out if she is being abused or is she truly the problem. The victim may start behaving irrationally from the stress caused by the mental abuse.

Mental abuse is not normally seen by anyone on the outside looking in because they see the abuser as a strong, calm, caring and sincere person and will not be able to see the true character behind the person in front of them that they think they know so well.

Do you really know the person standing next to you?

Out of all the abuse I suffered the one part of the abuse I have always struggled with is the “being ignored” because when I begged for the abuser to stop no one listened. The more I was ignored the more it built up an extreme and unlikely intolerance for being “ignored” which has stayed with me as an adult. I left care with that intolerance to the ugly side of human nature that sees many people misuse the silent treatment to harm others.

Some justify this behavior and kid themselves that it’s in some way an honorable stance to take. Ignoring someone briefly when done to express dissatisfaction is very different to the silent treatment. To ignore someone as a regular means to punish, hurt or upset someone as payback or for whatever reason, it is in my opinion and the opinions of experts to be considered one of the worst forms of mental abuse that exists in human nature. It causes irreparable damage to a person’s mind and will see the victim’s behavior change slowly but noticeably when it’s out of control by others who are close.

There are times the abuse continues and the victims show now outward signs to those who are close whilst the mental abuser gets to witness the dramatic and extreme behavior change in direct response to his/her mental abuse in the “silent treatment”.

The silent treatment is a form of punishment and control and the person using it to harm another feels a lack of care and cannot or will not communicate as she/he watches the victim slowly deteriorate from being a lively happy and fun person into becoming withdrawn, reclusive or maybe verbally aggressive to the abuser in a vain bid to stop the abuse of the mind.

The person dishing out the “silent treatment is FULLY aware of the damage they are doing and they are FULLY aware that all they need to do to stop it is to simply talk to the victim. The abuser will not talk to the victim and when he does he will constantly lead the victim into a false sense of security at leisure. Then ignore again.

The abuser will provoke any situation with silence which triggers off the victim who can never work out what has happened to warrant more silent treatment and again the victim finds himself/herself fighting desperately with the abuser in a vain bid to stop her/him giving the silent treatment all over again.

The victim’s behavior can change so dramatically he/she is hardly recognized as being the same person. Every time the silent treatment begins the victim is pulled further and further down and the abuser sits back and carries on with daily chores blatantly ignoring the victim whom is obviously so distressed that no normal thinking individual person could sit back and watch such a shocking display of suffering.

The victim may withdraw completely, stop talking i.e. friends, stop socializing, stop eating, start drinking, stop working, start text terrorism against the abuser as a defense mechanism of protection but it never works, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and that’s just a few of the side effects of a victim suffering from mental abuse.

The “silent treatment” otherwise named as “deliberate intent to ignore” or “Attachment” which means absent to cause harm which is where an abuser completely cuts the victim off and the abuser will not budge. They often acknowledge in their own minds that the victim is suffering but do nothing about it and walk away and simply ignore it.

The latter is a very dangerous form of mental abuse.

I have often heard stories of men ignoring their partner after causing her such distress that she has taken to self-harm or attempt to take her own life from where the mental abuse has weakened her once strong mind into a nerve wrecking display of self-doubt and depression. The abuser will hear her calls of desperation and he will empty himself of all emotions and walk away. He will show no emotions as she tries to take her own life. He will convince himself that she deserves it for hurting his feelings by trying to fight back. 

It’s not often friends get to witness the mental abuse of the systematic silent treatment from a partner because it is silent but in some cases friends will witness erratic behavior of the victim and they can’t quite understand what’s going on because the victim will blame everything but her abusive partner. It is rare anyone on the outside of the relationship sees the suffering of the victim as the abuse often like most forms of abuse stays “within the immediate relationship”. The male abusers friends will only see this charming friend they all love because he will do anything for them but seldom do his friends or family witness what he is doing to his partner. They will only see the abusers partner’s displays of distress.

The “silent treatment, ignoring or Attachment treatment” abuser is fully aware of their actions and fully aware they are causing a significant amount of harm to the victim in most cases but there are those who do believe they are the victim. The victim may at times have the odd outburst in front of others or in a public place. The abuser will then inform his family of every little thing his victim partner does as he seeks refuge and portrays himself as the victim in need of support because he has a totally “maniac” partner whose lost the plot.

This form of mental abuse is often used by the man more so than a woman. It is still a common thing in many cultures were man and woman are not seen as equals.

Eventually once the victim has been totally broken down by the mental abuser she will give up fighting back and beg for forgiveness and beg the abusive partner to forgive her. She may well go to the extremes to try and make it up to her man because she has been broken in and is now under his mind control. The man will continue to use this method of mind control and ignore, use the silent treatment or attachment tactics until his partner has been totally exhausted, feels totally helpless and it opens her up to being controlled so the man gets what he wants.

Sadly this form of abuse has seen the deaths of women who self-harmed or attempted suicide as a cry for help and those cries for help ignored by the abuser and have resulted in her death.

Self-harm - deliberate cutting or mutilation of one’s own body including rip hair out, stop eating, stop going out, withdraw from society, cut off their hair, stay in bed, over eat or attempt suicide.

The reason I am touching on this subject is because I found on the Internet a number of women who are going through this same process right now with their partners or have just left such an abusive relationship and sit in silence blaming them-selves.

I also want to touch on this subject because I am a survivor of abusive behavior during my army days and I myself have gone through the mental health process and contrary to what people believe, I still cannot stand people that are not open to me. All because of one lunatic guy my life has changed as I don't trust a lot of people. And still it is not easy to write about this as the guy who attacked me with a combat knife had totally lost his mind. And yes I have been lucky that my mates saved me that day. I got counselling and the attacker got fired.

Let me go back where I was. Men who have been abused as children physically, sexually or mentally or suffered abuse by a parent due to the damaging effects are well known for using the “silent treatment, ignoring and attachment methods to punish and control their partners. These men will convince themselves they are not abusing because they haven’t physically hit the woman and he will convince her he’s very good to her by not saying anything.

He will almost always convince himself he’s the victim and show no remorse at all for the suffering he is causing by punishing and controlling someone he claims to love. These men are often found to not contribute to the relationship they are in and show little or no care or respect for his partner and will continue to expect her to hold the entire relationship together all by herself whilst he laps up the comfort of control and does nothing to help contribute or support the relationship. He will not show emotions when challenged or he may eventually turn to violence.

Regardless of the circumstances, mental abuse and the negative power of the “silent treatment, being deliberately ignored or the attachment abuse is never the less very damaging for those on the receiving end and needs to be address by either the abuser entering therapy or for the victim to leave the situation.

If the man recognizes he’s an abuser he can seek help from a professional help. The victim must seek professional help to get out of such an abusive relationship before she is so worn down it will diminish her life slowly but surely.

When does the silent abuse turn into physical abuse? 

The Old Sailor,

She's running me through the emotional washer

Dear Bloggers,

I am probably not the only bloke on earth that has issues in his marriage and therefor the raging fire in me has died out to a minimized glow like charcoal after a night on the barbeque.

Do not see it as complaining about my life in general it has been a rocky road but it was not that bad as we always had eachother. After my wife had some counseling therapy by being offended by her team manager she suddenly started to change and stood up for herself. She got in her first fight with one of her siblings who could not deal with the situation as she gave up on being the weak one and apoligize for something that wasn’t even her fault. But it is hard to change people’s manners after letting them do it for nearly fourty years. The second one that came into the shooting range was our sitter who blew out all the fuses when she implemented that our kids were lieing and cheating to her daughter. She came to talk about it when our daughter was still up. So my wife turned her down and got angry with her and told her too leave. As she struggled back she kicked her out. She was quite surprised by the anger that she had in her. I got the feeling that i am the next one in line. Like many others out there,

 

I originally post about my marriage but from now on it will be my sexless marriage and as I may hope I will receive comforting and thoughtful replies. After reading a lot about how people change after counceling and having lengthy conversations with my wife, I have a greater knowledge and understanding as to what has caused my marriage to be sexless.

Come to find out, there are multiple reasons I am sexless as it is not only her fault there is a lot of it caused by me.

Resentment, she resents me for a few of the financial decisions I've made that have set us back a few years. She is struggling with being able to put these behind her. These seem to be the most engrained issue affecting our relationship. The Tax office is not our friend at the moment as we made a mistake somewhere they want a hell lot of many back.

Low testosterone I recently had blood work done and I am low on testosterone. So far, no problem for me, but somehow it makes me feel dis-comfortable as it gets more and more an obsession to me. I have less and less erotic feelings left as I am only up to one thing and that is disturbing the whole thing, I guess. She got her medication changed to feel better as she is suffering from........... It made her breasts tender to the touch. It caused her to stay in bed one morning as it tyres her out.

Overall she has low desire for me, I just don't think she finds me all that attractive any longer. She did say that I am kind of boring because I never flirt with her. I think that is my own protective buildup from the years of rejection...why flirt with someone that will shut you out when it's supposed to be play time?

I was a Nice Guy, up until a couple of weeks ago, I was the poster child of Nice Guys...there have been books written about me (at least they hit the nail on the head).

Over the course of the past two weeks, I have read three books, The Five Love Languages, No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life Primer. She has read the Five Love Languages. We both understand that we each speak a different love language, but just addressing that issue isn't going to solve my problems anytime soon.

Nearly 15 years of marriage, 20 years being together, the sex and overall excitement in our relationship has continued to diminish where I am now absolutely miserable as it currently stands.

She had an appointment this morning for her second set of counselings, but oops...she forgot about the appointment. I asked her if she was going to reschedule and she replied, "yea, but really don't want these kind of therapy." During our conversations over the weekend, when we would touch on an issue where neither one of us had an immediate answer, I suggested she bring that to the attention of her counselor when she next meets with her this coming Frisday. She told me she didn't think she could talk with her anymore. 

So, I ask myself...Am I pushing the issue of our sexless marriage too quickly, all of a sudden out of thin air? Is she feeling overwhelmed with all I have thrown at her the past couple of weeks and need to allow her a bit more time to absorb it all?
Everything came to a head Saturday night, when after a bit of talking and getting a sense of each of us understanding each other a bit better, I mentioned to her I had a desire to do her. She said that would never happen, so I told her if she didn't want to try, I would not press the issue. I accept her not wanting to do it...end of story. 

Well, it should have been the end of the story, but then sometime around 3AM, I wake with some killer heartburn from the things I ate earlier. She is well awake and starts arguing about this and that and that now she has to comply with doing it.......blah, blah, blah. I told her that she already voiced her opinion of it and I have dropped it, never to be mentioned ever again.

But she won't let it go...acting like she has to comply or my sex life won't be fulfilling. I told her it wasn't a big deal...was just a fantasy and it can remain a fantasy, as I have no desire to force her compliance with anything. She is the one with a hangup about it and she should let it go, as she will never hear anything about it from me again. I think she saw this as an angle where she has reason to be upset with me, but since I didn't press the issue, she was attempting to keep it at the surface so there is reason to continue our sexless lifestyle...all because she has a crutch to use against me.

The following morning, I spelled it all out for her...either we resolve our differences and create a loving, caring, fulfilling relationship where we are both happy, or we should divorce and go our separate ways. I refuse to continue our relationship where resentment and lack of desire fill the air. Her first reaction was how she would lose her comforting surroundings and where to put all her furniture, because she would have no place to store them. Another comment in the night before was that I couldn't kick her out to the street corner because she currently does have a  straight job and the half of what we own is hers. Like as if I am stupid and would not know this but am I supposed to feel any sympathy or what???

Basically, at this point, I am waiting on her...sure I have a few things I need to work on, like flirting and being more Alpha, but most is on her to change. She needs to figure out how to let her resentments go...I have already reassured her about my job and that I promised to stay in the working field and not deviate as I had in the past. She needs to get her hormones balanced out...I can't do this for her. How much time is enough time to get these things in order? Do I set a timeline and vocalize it to her, or keep it to myself and just watch the progress, if there is any?

As it currently stands, if there are no improvements/participation on her part, I don't ever see this as fixable. I don't want this to be a thing of me continually hoping things will get better and her using it as a way to hijack my sex life, all so she can continue to be my live-in maid. At least that is how it feels as I am only here to feed some hungry mouths and do some cleaning. Let us see how this will evolve?

The Old Sailor,