Sitting quietly and look at the debris of my younger years

Dear Bloggers,

Doesn't a new start sound great? When life becomes difficult, you have failed several times, you have messed up a perfect relationship, and you are bored of your job, your house, your friends, and family; a new start sounds exciting when we find ourselves stuck in the mediocrities of life. We all have a past, and for some, it may be memorable, for others it may be horrible. Whatever the past looks like the enemy majors in causing us to indulge in what was. I am afforded the opportunity to have healthy discussions with many people from the young to old, mature and immature, strong and weak but what I recognize is from the least to the greatest the most common issues among them all is letting go of the past.

 I spent or should I say "Wasted" a lot of time and energy on what was, and what could have been. But I am grateful for the present and the bright future that I have in front of me and it's there for you too. I want to encourage you to take your time through this plan and to commit to stop looking back on all the negatives in your life. Our memory is not the enemy, but the way we use our memory will determine the damage. When I look back on life, it is for only moments of seeing what has happened and what it did to me and how I pickede it up how it has brought me through. As you are on the journey with me, I want you to understand that a new start is available to you no matter where you've been or what you have done. Maybe you should clean up the debris and give yourself a brand new start. There is always a moment for new beginnings, and now I look at every disappointment, hurt and pain as an opportunity to birth something new. We do ourselves a great injustice, when we keep looking back negatively.

 
In my life I faced many challenges that already started when I was still young and I lost the first one that I really loved. All of a sudden it struck me and a voice whispered that I should go home. In my head I knew that something has badly happened to someone. The closer I got to home the more I got the feeling that something was wrong with my girlfriend. I kept seeing images of an operation theatre and she called me. This wasn't a bad dream when I came home my mum was sitting at the table and she was crying. My dad was looking sad and said: Listen Son “I've got bad news to tell you.” I reacted I think I already know that she passed away. After the funeral I had to go back to school but nothing reached my brain as I was living in a bubble. I lived as someone who was heavily sedated. After I messed up my final exams I got a letter from the government to join the army.
 

In the beginning I did not like to be there. Ok, I did my best but not my utmost. Untill the moment I met the corporal that had served in Lebanon. He told me that this was just the simple live and out there you did not know what the next day would bring. Loosing buddies and being shot at. His story was fascinating me and it inspired me to be a better soldier. At an exercise in Germany, we had to load a bridge and we ran into a few supporters of Rote Armee Fraction, or at least so they claimed. I came face to face with one of these figures. My motto was to capture or kill him. But killing someone was not allowed in peacetime. in a blow with the butt of my rifle, I disarmed my opponent and went into a handbattle with him. I decided to silence the screaming and slapping bastard. I knocked him out and tied him up and hung him on the outside of the bridge. And then I chased his companion into the hands of the other guys. When my freund woke up he screamed like a lean suckling pig. We had to take them down and they were handed over to the local authorities. I was fined for my actions when we were back at base. I didn't care as I had the feeling that I did the right thing and no one got really hurt. Jus t another scar on my face and on my reputatioin. I was selected to go to Lebanon but the government stopped the project.

I was all of sudden being transferred to an other part of the country a bit closer to home. I needed to fit in the group of soldiers and go with them on excersises building bridges man the radio and securing the place. This was part of my life for the coming months not understanding wat the plan was untill the Sergeant Major called me in his office and told me to shut the door behind me. The only thing that crossed my mind was that I had done something silly again in the last cou;ple of days as I was bored like hell. He send me on a mission to Germany to do something for a special unit. I had to dress up like a regular Jake. I got some train tickets and some cash for my expences. In Germany I had to ring a number and I would get an address to go to meet an other guy who worked for the same network. I was surprised that no one really knew what this group was doing. The operation was strange and I had to take a British guy back with me as he was captured in the Eastern part of Germany which was still splitted up at that time.. I travelled back with the British guy called Rowan and we had to behave like tourists to get back to The Netherlands. Just at he first trainstation we got off the train and I dailed the number that I got from the German guy. Rowan was picked up by a British driver and they drove of. I called the number that and told them that the mission was completed and I could go home. Later I learned that this was a mission to bring servicemen and women back home.

After my Army days I had to fit in the normal life again I missed the militairy stuff in a way. On the other hand I was happy that I had survived everything that came on my path.I stated a job as a dishwasher in a local restaurant and had ambitions to grow in this business. And I did first of all in a local bar and a small disco. I rented myself out as a waiter and bartender and I had a lot of fun doing this. During the wintertime I worked in factories to keep the bills being paid. I had a few relationships during this times but they ended not from my side. Maybe they did not really love me.
 

At certain moment I met my wife and she could live with me and all my funny ways. Of course as in every relationship there are ups and downs. I started a job as a waiter on passengership but at first it was not succcesfull things from my past brought me on my knees. I had to stop and after a period of getting my life together. When I was ready again I took a job as a bartender on a small cruiseliner the crew was great and the food was crap. Heavily drinking after the shift solved a lot of the problems. 

After a while I moved back home and got a job on the DFDS ferries on the lines between Asterdam and Newcastle and Hamburg and Harwich. During this period I tripped and fell down the stairs at home and do the crash I lost my balance and speech for several months . Do to hard work and help from family and friends I recovered almost fully and after a few years I was back on board. I did many jobs during these years on board and ended up in the Guest Service Centre. when my health deteriorated and I was forced to look for another job according to my specialist, a reorganization had to take place and my job was at stake. After my discharge, I decided to become a bus driver in public transport after about six months. It changed my outlook on life. We are enjoying our moments together in our own way. I am sitting behind my computer writing my blog and my head is traveling down memory lane.

 
Not that bad I think for a regular guy who never got his high school diploma but learned a lot on the way to a regular life with a regular job. No I am nothing special to you but for the ones I love I am their special specalist who is happy most of the time. 

And it doesn't matter if it is dark out there we have to believe that there is always the Sun to come out. Every good day is called yesterday.

We were made to move forward, and it's time to stop looking back.

The Old Sailor,

Sick and tired of the Corona virus

Dear Bloggers,

I have been away for a while again as most of my family members are still suffering from the Corona virus that has struck the planet. Well I had the feeling that we were the lucky ones that we only got the mild symptoms. On the evening of the 12^th of March Ifound my wife in bed being feverish 38,4 degrees Celcius (approx 101 degrees Fahrenheit) She had this for 2 days and some pressure on her chest. We are not that quickly surprised as she lives with Asthma for more than 20 years. The second night she had respiratory problems and her lips turned blue for a little while when I phoned to the doctors office her breath stabilized. After these two days she was still a bit short of breath and quickly tired. I called my boss and the medical advisors of the country and they told me to stay home and self isolate with our family.

The house is alway stocked up for a four weeks survival as we do only do shopping for fresh things like vegetables and fruits. Meat and Bread we have standard in the freezer. No need to panic as toilet rolls are always on stock as well. Next victims were our oldest daughter (who works in Kruidvat a health,beauty and Pharmacy shop) and me. Practicly the same things but with a sore throat and a dry cough and tremendous headache. Our youngest daughter only had a cough for a few days and was feeling a bit weak.The advises of the government were a bit shady as one office said 24 hours after the fever you could go back to work as the other office said to stay at home for 2 weeks after the fever????? My Boss (I work as a driver on commuter busses) ordered to stay at home for the 2 weeks and so I did.I went to work again and I actually felt fine although after work I was totally wasted.

And I kept going with this dry cough. After the second week I came home being short of breath and had the cold sivers. I measured 34 degrees Celcius (93,2 Fahrenheit) and called the doctor again. My daughter stayed feverish with high and low temperatures. The doctor came to our house fully covered up due to Covid-19 and checked me out. I have no fever anymore and a mild pneumonia in my left lung. My daughter is admitted to the Hospital to check on other causes than the Corona virus. Still there is no testing on Coronavirus.

Now in the weekend on the 17^th of April my wife is having a massive asthma attack and gasps for help as she turns blue in the face the paramedics arrive and rush her of to the hospital. With hardly any chance to say goodbye to her. There is no way to visit or join a patient who is a suspected case of Covid-19. Late in the evening the Hospital calls that she is pretty much stabilized and I can come and collect her. As I am coughing I am not allowed inside and the nurse is bringing her in a wheelchair to our car.

Well let me explain a bit of this silly symptom called a dry cough it is a bit like the heavy smokers among us will recognise. That hurling sound that you make and goes away with first smoke. This is all explained by a medical doctor as this one of the symptoms of Covid-19.

A dry cough is a cough where no phlegm or mucus is produced (known as non-productive). A dry cough is irritating and usually associated with a tickly throat. Dry coughs are often caused by viral illnesses such as colds and flu, but they can also be caused by allergies or throat irritants.
Specific treatment for a dry cough will depend on the cause of the cough.
How long does a cough normally last?
Coughs associated with a cold or the flu tend to last a week or 2, most clearing up within about 3 weeks. A post-viral cough may persist for several (up to about 8) weeks after a viral illness, while some coughs persist for longer and are usually a sign of an underlying problem.
In adults and children, a cough is described as acute (short term) if you have been coughing for up to 2 weeks. In adults, a cough that lasts for more than 8 weeks is described as a chronic (ongoing) persistent cough. In children, a cough that lasts 2 to 4 weeks is called a prolonged acute cough. A cough that lasts more than 4 weeks is considered to be a chronic cough.

Causes of dry cough

A dry cough is often the result of:

• a viral illness, such as a cold or influenza (the flu), or Covid-19 the disease caused by SARS-CoV-2 – the novel coronavirus; or
• a post-viral, or post-infective, cough (cough that persists for weeks after a viral illness).
  

However, a dry cough may be a result of other problems, such as:

• Asthma
• smoking;
• Hay fever due to inhaling substances you are allergic to, such as pollen, dust or pet dander;
• certain types of lung disease known as interstitial lung disease; or
• a side effect from a medicine (for example, cough is a possible side effect of most ACE inhibitors – often prescribed for high blood pressure).
  

Other, less common, causes of a dry cough include like heart failure and lung cancer
A dry cough can be aggravated by:

• breathing cold, dry air;
• air pollution;
• inhaled irritants such as dust or smoke;
• exposure to tobacco smoke;
• excessive use of your voice; or
• a change in temperature.
  

Complications

Can I hurt myself coughing?

When a cough is severe, pulled chest muscles and even fractured ribs are a possible complication.

Diagnosis and tests

Your doctor will ask about your cough and any other symptoms you may have, and perform a physical examination. Depending on your age, history and examination, your doctor may order tests such as:

• a chest X-ray;
• a throat swab (sample of secretions from the back of your throat which can be tested for infections);

Dry coughs are often related to a viral illness and in most cases special tests are not needed.

When should you seek medical advice about a dry cough?

You should you seek medical advice if:

• you start to cough up blood or copious amounts of mucus (phlegm);
• you are short of breath or wheezy;
• the cough is mainly at night;
• you have associated chest pain;
• you have a fever;
• you are a cigarette smoker;
• you have a hoarse voice;
• the cough is associated with vomiting or a choking sensation;
• you have other symptoms such as an ongoing headache, sore ears or a rash;
• you have recently lost weight or have general muscle aches;
• the cough is in an infant aged 6 months or younger;
• the cough has lasted longer than 10 days, with little or no improvement; or
• you have high blood pressure, a heart complaint, respiratory illness (such as asthma), gastrointestinal problems or are taking other medicines.
  

Treatments for dry cough

Dry coughs that are caused by a viral infection such as a cold usually get better on their own within a week or two. Self-help measures can help make you feel better in the meantime, and cough medicines may provide some short-term relief to adults with a dry cough.
Other treatments for dry cough will depend on the cause.

Self-help for dry cough

There are some simple things you can do to provide relief from a dry cough.
Honey can help treat a dry cough by coating and soothing the back of the throat (pharynx), and relieving the irritation that triggers a dry cough. Try drinking warm water containing honey and lemon, or taking one to 2 teaspoons of honey 30 minutes before bedtime. Note that honey should not be given to children younger than 12 months of age due to the risk of infant botulism (a rare bacterial infection).
Drinking plenty of liquids can help, and warm broths or teas may help soothe your throat.
Gargling salt water (in older children and adults) may also help with a dry cough associated with a cold and sore throat.

Dry cough can be a side effect of some medicines such as ACE inhibitors and beta blockers (used to treat high blood pressure and heart problems). Your doctor may recommend stopping any medicines that could be causing your cough and replacing them with other suitable medicines for your particular condition. Talk to your doctor about alternative medicines if you are having this problem.
Repeated coughing from any cause can irritate and inflame the larynx (voice box) and upper airways. So the coughing itself makes your airways more sensitive, leading to more coughing. Strategies that can help you reduce the urge to cough and help stop this type of self-perpetuating cough include:

• taking a sip of water with a hard swallow when you feel like coughing or clearing your throat; and
• avoiding any triggers that you know tend to aggravate your cough, such as overuse of your voice, cigarette smoke, or excessively cold, dry air such as from air conditioning.
  
  
  
  
  

Still I think that I have only mild symptoms and they are though and yes the ones that are

Hospitalised are in a severe condition being on oxygen is scary. The ones that are ending up on ventilators are the ones to pray for as many of them will not make it back to their loved ones and that is the worst thing in live that can happen to you. Stay as much as you possibly can away from other people. When it hits you it might destroy you and everyone you love. This virus will get the biggest guys one there knees it even kills very healthy people.

Stay safe and stay healthy.

The Old Sailor,

Salt water and tall stories

Dear Bloggers,

Not to tall for many sailors, but just the daily life of sailors, who sometimes seek a change or being in for a joke. For people from the shore ... Ah just leave it. There are good ones, too, and they can't blame us for that ... As an old sailor, I get into conversation with people and we talk about the good old days.

Likewise with this old sailor who earned his living on the wild seas in the early years after the Second World War he started sailing. Of course knowing something about the seamans life I am interested in his stories. Now he is an old man with a bag full of memories. And yes his past is all that remains for him and his seaman's story is infused with sea salt and the smell of ship's mooring rope. So Iwill tell you one of his adventures.

De kapitein wikt en de reder beschikt, dat is geloof ik een goed Oud Nederlans gezegde.

I will give it a try to translate this.

The captain thinks about how to and the shipowner has the last word and decides, I believe this is a good old Dutch saying.

Anyway, the shipowner came to the conclusion that in Europe not enough money could be made anymore with a ship of this class, but ha ha in West Indies and Caribbean were the well-paid charters for this type of ship just to be picked up and we could get plenty of work. But first of course some small problems had to be solved.

With Panamanian flag and ABS classification, (American Bureau of Shipping) if the gates were welded below decks, we could also carry more cargo, which immediately seemed to look like a gold mine when the captain, helmsman (mate) and engineer slept on the topdeck and the rest of the crew ( foreigners) sleeping below decks did not count as a problem.

So the word was out and things were done, A friend of the owner has a shipyard they could solve that, a few hatches for the intermediate deck were ordered, because that was not complete and we had to see if there was a sextant and a stopwatch to find onboard, crew (4 nationalities) mustered and then we were done an ready to go. Oh yes we still had to find some cargo to get there, but well the shipowner will take care of it and solve it.

And indeed, they found a drill table and parts for the Circle bar drilling company, which had been used in Borkum, and had to go back to New Orleans, nice and heavy (200 tons) to start, so that could be on the midship. And then we needed a stroke of luck, a charter for a shipping company based in Fenchurchstreet in London, good cargo from Shoreham to the West Indian islands and next to Barbados, Saint Lucia and Dominica.

First I had to go to Datema in Amsterdam the bookstore to be, when it comes to sea charts in the present time you just order them in the webshop because Datema is still there (https://datema-amsterdam.nl/zeekaarten), see if we can find some sea maps and pilots from that neighborhood. 

Well i found the most of the maps, only the map of Dominica, was a kind of printed drawing from the Napoleonic era, and this probably left something to be desired, I had seen something like that at the maritime museum in Greenwich, but well there was still no port and we had to lay at the outer harbor and that would solve the problem, so that will succeed.

The loading in Shoreham went well, all the cargo underdecks was loaded and lashed, a few cars were loaded on the front deck, the women on board had to leave, paperwork was ready and then we could go. There was only one issue left that we still had some deck space and free board left, so there was a bit of searching for freight the chances were good and there would be something to move.

And indeed, they found two port tenders that had to go from Cherbourg to Saffi, which could be nice on the back panel and there would be no problems with the free board.

The loading in Cherbourg would take a while, but when the first tender was lifted by the crane, all the alarms went off, the tender was too heavy. They had forgotten to add the weight of the cradles to the weight of the boats, a small overview problem with a real French touch.

There was enough freeboard left and stability was good so there was no problem on our part. the problem with the crane was solved and we could therefore load, lash and leave. The trip to Saffi without any special events. Unloaded and left harbour with destination Las Palmas to bunker. On arrival there it was raining cats and dogs, which did not happen that often, anyway the pilot and the shedcrew would not come out until it was dry. luckily they do better in England, otherwise they would never have had any shipping, but well this was Spain. After bunkering we departured with destination Barbados, after azimuths, sun and stars shooting and with an average speed of 9.5 miles (x 1,852 = 17,59 kilometers per hour.) not much else to do and I decided that the construction and pipe on the boat deck were for the captain to paint, Something which the other crewmembers did not like as, they had never had seen a captain who got his hands dirty, apparently they had no coastal sailingexperience.

Eventually we got to (I can not remember how long) Barbados the island is in sight, which is high standard navigating , because Columbus and his following sailors have missed the island for many years. Okay they did not have a good clock either.

We started with unloading, the cars on the foredeck were nicely dented by the taken over water (waves that roll over the deck), but that was solved by kicking the roof from the inside, and they were as good as new again. In the evening we had to quench our thirst, and it was a pretty big thirst, but no problem there was enough beer in barbados. In the hotel bar where we drank, "the Merry Men" performed with their hits "money is a yankee dollar bill" and "a piece of bamboo" that later became world famous. So very nice this are great memories.

The next day we were almost empty as almost everything was unloaded and we left for Saint Lucia, on arrival telexes from the shipowner and the West of England owners protecion club, not to unload because the shipowner was not yet paid for the new cargo to Barbados and the charterer had disappeared from his office in Fenchurchstreet. After telephone contact with both above and in consultation with the local agent it was decided to "lean on the cargo" via the court in Castries (capital Saint Lucia). Became amazingly interesting because the court in Saint Lucia sometimes works according to English law, sometimes according to code Napoleon and sometimes according to laws that they have made themselves and then of course the international maritime law, Can you still figure it out?

After a few days of talking back and forward, the court ruled that if the owners of the cargo in Saint Lucia had paid the charterer in London and had "sigth of the cargo" to "lean on the cargo" was not legal. So just go and unload. A good start to make all that money, or is this who wants everything loses everything any time.

By the way, Saint Lucia is a beautiful island and I can really recommend it for a vacation.

After unloading cargo, at Dominica, that was pretty tame after all events in Saint Lucia. The load for Dominica had to be eliminated, otherwise we could not unload the drilling table for New Orleans and the value was not enough to start another case. Sigh.....

Being close to the coast (deep) at anchor lying down in Domenica was fun, the local ladies came to do the laundry in a stream with little clothes, this was 1977, when we had already topless ladies on the Dutch and Spanish beaches, or only on the nudist beaches?

Released the drillingtable in New Orleans, the man was glad he had his drill back, and than he asked me how many "wheels" the ship had, and yes, that confused me a bit. Later I thought that the paddle wheels that where still sailing around there had wheels.

Loading wood in Puerto Isabel (Columbia) for Jamaica. Puerto Isabel is a pier in the sea, the electricity goes off at 10 o'clock in the evening (hot beer is the problem) the sea chart of Puerto Isabel just as that of Dominica somehow chartmakers just made duplicats and years later when Nasa renewed the world map it turned out to be somewhere else, but if we could have sailed 40 knots we could have made gold here, but that is another story.

A pessimist is an optimist with a lot of experience.

 

The Old Sailor,

Just another rainy day

Dear Bloggers,

When it was time to leave after working late hours, I rushed to my car and immediately drove home. On the highway, halfway home, the rain began a heavy downpour. It covered everything on my windshield. The heavy rain made it so hard for me to see anything in the road. My windshield wipers could hardly do the job. The radio played Bruce Springsteen's song Tougher than the rest... I dozed off into memory lane back to my younger days when I was a Teen and Cowboy movies came on television. Smoking and drinking were not seen as bad habits. In my younger days I smoked dark tobacco and yes I rolled my own cigarettes. Furthermore I worked as a bartender in a local club so drinking was a common thing as well. And trying some soft drugs was also part of my youth. Not being afraid of what this could cause to my health as we did not know anything about the risks because there was no education about smoking, drinking only about drugs we knew that the hard stuff like heroin could cause a lot of damage. 

I remember that we got to see the movie Wir Kinder vom Bahnhof Zoo the story of the teenager Christiane F. who got addicted to hard drugs. This made me realize that drugs could do more damage than what I was aware of. Still I kept on smoking and drinking for several years as the only thing that changed over the years is that I became a Sailor. And yes we all know how sailors are. Well that picture is wrong I can tell you as the work at sea became in the last decades a more dry environment. In the last years of my career at sea there was zero tolerance policy on the ship and that was simply risking your job when you had to come to the bridge for a breathalyser test. Only smoking was a hard to stop habit as crew members still could buy cheap smokes. Some steam engines must have been pretty jealous of me. My engine was running for many hours a day.

When I left the ship I was still smoking a lot but as timeshedules became tighter and it became stressful to find breaks to get a smoke. I decided to stop smoking and that was easier said than done. Somehow after a few fails, I succeeded. It is approx. Ten years now that I stopped and I still can enjoy the smell of smokers that are standing outside at the station. No my life did not become boring it just made many changes in a hard way due to my wife falling ill in that same period. It started all on the day when I slipped on the top of the staircase and ended up in hospital and they told me that I've been lucky that didn't break my neck. As my speech was shattered and I wasn't able to speak any of my foreign languages anymore. 

With some hard work of specialists and some dear friends I recovered and after a couple of years I was back on the ship again. Something in my mind had changed and I became a bit of different person and I took life a bit more serious. When I left the life at sea in 2009 I took my time to decide what to do next. I got my driving license for the bus and started the education for commuter buses in the spring of 2010. I still was a smoker but not that heavy as in my sailing days. Drinking I did only on Holidays and free weekends. 

 

And then I was after a few years one of the regular temps that worked for the same company but in a different town. I enjoy still every minute as this job is bringing as much joy as during my days at sea. I love to take the mickey out of people and yes I still give service whenever possible that's just part of who I am. But when the wind is howling around my bus and rain is smashing in my windshield, the old sailor in me is waking up and salty water is running through my vanes. My face is having that special smile towards passengers and comfort them with the feeling not to worry with me at the steering wheel. And yes bad weather on the road is sometimes as tough as bad weather at sea. You only miss the monstrous waves and the challenge of walking in a straight way. Handling the wheel of bus is different kind of discipline but still a challenge to stay on the narrow roads. 

The only thing is when I have to drive home in this kind of weather I am really being homesick and those days at sea will never return as slowly but surely I am reaching the days that I growing older and my kids are becoming the grown ups in this brand new world which didn't become a lot prettier. They have much more to worry about. Probably they could not life their lives like I did. As the heating in the car seat is doing it's job as a lower back pain reliever. I realize that those days are long gone and my trip down memory lane is the only thing that I have left. No one will take these memories from me. Everyday being home is also worth a lot. There will be some nights that I am driving home in severe weather and my heart is crying a little bit for not being a sailor anymore.

Even though the visibility through my windshield was poor due to the heavy rainfall, I still continued to drive, hoping that I didn't get into an accident on the road. I knew as soon as the rain would come down in a more normal way, it will increase my visibility and chances of getting home safe and sound. Just remember that speed isn't anything it's the matter of getting there.

The Old Sailor,

The Old Vase

Dear Bloggers,

Finally, after a time of moving and renovating (not yet completely finished), I find the peace of mind to start writing again and yes, I have neglected your readers for quite a long time. I therefore hope that you can pick up the thread again and I hope you have not missed me that much. I will try to write again on a more regular base. As you probably know, my love has a complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to her work. She has been completely demolished mentally by two managers at the Royal Telecom Company. It is very sad to see that someone is being robbed of their independence and that those people just get away with it. Lawyers do not see much in a lawsuit and these big companies have so much power that it will be a waste of money to fight for about two years and come to a tipping point what we would call a settlement in the Netherlands. And then I am not even talking about the mental scars that will be ripped open again especially for my wife. No, I want to save her this pain. However, I will try to express what it feels like for us as a family.

Over the years, I have started to dig in deeper into the background of psychology and that a person can put a lot of situations into perspective. A requirement is that you dare to expose yourself and you're not afraid of the opinions of others. You must also be open to slow but certain developments and absolutely continue to believe in yourself and your partner. Together you can achieve a lot, if you are only there for each other.

“I first heard of a psychologist and later a colleague at work about having in-depth conversations. That colleague then benefited greatly from the talks. So I decided to go to therapy. At first only for my wife, but it made me increasingly angry. It was the unfairness of some jerk who thought that if someone did not leave, he would have to take care of it personally. What a nauseous game was played and nobody did a thing. I went with her to the conversations every time. When the therapy that my wife got was still not finished after two years, the discussions continued on and on, but there was not much added value for me. My wife was sliding into a deeper and darker inner person and more and more went to work alone with the therapist. After a huge crisis where she left home and hopped in the car in deep state of dissociation. As we did not know how this would end we called the police and they were looking out for her. Lucky enough she came to her senses and drove back home. The therapist was called and the therapist is now coming at home and therefore she did not have to come with me anymore. ”

“Initially I was rather skeptical about psychosocial in the beginning
support. "I really don't need that." In retrospect, it helped us a lot. We both received concrete and practical tips for our way of thinking. They were often very small and simple things. Of those things that I thought: why didn't I come up with this ideas myself? "

As an example, the therapist draws a vase, which during
the therapy would serve as a metaphor.

This requires some explanation, I think:
"In a" normal "situation, this vase is filled with a lot of energy.
But this vase of ours has a very ugly and deep crack, which drains the energy. This makes the leaves fall off. A solution had to be found here.

At one point she felt a little better again; and her energy was somewhat replenished. Bold that she was, she walked around thinking: "I am as good as new and I am feeling actually better" and went back to her old routines as she was used to. But the vase soon became empty again. That hole first had to be fixed. In the meantime I have learned to think differently and I now deal with it differently. We now distribute our energy better and in a different way. ”

“Occasionally, during the conversations with the psychiatrist and the therapist, it was rather deep in the past. The way of thinking becomes
also formed by what you have experienced. Where the hell does all this fear come from? What gives rise to those gloomy thoughts? Why do you sometimes see things that are not there at all? What are you doing? What do you think? One hundred questions and nothing really changed the lack of energy was every session the biggest problem. In the beginning, the conversations were quite heavy and in the beginning we had to stop often enough halfway. And despite the intensity, the conversation was often uplifting. After such a conversation, we always went on happy. Then we had the feeling: it is heavy but maybe it is not so bad. "

"When we were advised to do more with mindfulness, I thought," that is all too vague to me and really not for me ". But I tried and it helped. We have learned to put things and events into perspective more and more and it gave us both peace. Also in my job as a bus driver where I occasionally meet young people who have been marked for life by stupid harassment, like being bullied. I could put the world around me in perspective a little better. ”

The old porcelain vase that was always so dear to me because it was so beautiful and graceful, we still tried to put the pieces together and glue them together, but even if we did the job so precisely when you look closer you will still see the cracks and the energy is slowly but surely running out of the cracks. It will never be the same again. 

 

Now we have learned that the old vase can no longer be saved, it must be replaced by a beautiful new transparent thin glass vase. "The vase comes like in the good old days on the foreground just like before and it is our new vase," Although the new vase is more fragile than the old one and we have to be careful as it cannot contain as much energy as the old vase. Just let me explain that. The new vase is elegant, fragile and transparent, so you can see that it contains energy. Water gives energy to the flowers. The broken vase has been renewed. Now we have to try to save the withered flowers that have been damaged. We only can try?

The Old Sailor,