Dear Bloggers,
We all have that one ultimate dream, don't we? That glorious, golden day when we can finally live in absolute peace, no longer chased by deadlines, expectations, or whatever else the world decides to throw at us. Let’s be honest: life is tricky enough on its own. Especially when you find your own thoughts getting tangled up, and your heart is carrying the weight of losing good friends and army mates way too soon to tragic accidents or illness.
But here’s the thing: this isn’t a sob story. This is simply my life story.
While it’s a heavy chapter, I refuse to let it weigh me down forever. It’s a part of who I am, sure, but it isn't the whole book. For years, the daily routine kept me moving forward, sometimes at a frantic pace. Work became both a distraction and a necessity, a clock that kept ticking even when the world felt like it was spinning out of control. But you can't outrun your own history forever, and eventually, the noise of the daily grind starts to fade.
Yet, as the external noise quiets down, the storm closer to home becomes harder to ignore. The truth is, my home isn’t the peaceful sanctuary I wish it were. There is a deep unrest within my family, a constant friction that strikes at the very core of who I am. My wife battles a complex form of PTSD, a silent, exhausting struggle that has rightfully required so much care and focus over the years. It took away almost all of my time, leaving virtually no room to think about myself, my own needs, or my own healing. I don't say this to blame anyone. No absolutely not. It is simply the hand life dealt us, and we navigate it the best we can. Like a pirate on a stormy sea we survive and won’t give up
Instead of just preparing for a relaxed retirement, I often find myself stepping into the exhausting role of a referee, trying to manage family conflicts that aren't mine to solve, all while the systemic weight of the world presses down on us. As if the emotional toll weren't enough, even the Dutch tax office dealt us a devastating blow, completely draining us financially. It feels like being hit from every possible angle, all at once.
In the middle of all this mess at home, I am on a profound search to find myself again. Who am I outside of my work, outside of the financial survival mode, and outside of this heavy family drama? It is a search clouded by a deep, quiet fear. I am on my searchtrip together with specialized therapists and social workers to get my own life back in small steps and get the things out of the way that need to be going. When the tension peaks, a terrifying anxiety creeps in and yes it is the fear that one of our children might find this environment too much to bear, and out of desperation, might do something to harm themselves. Carrying that kind of worry is a weight heavier than any workplace stress could ever be.
As I slowly but surely approach the finish line of my working life, I find myself looking out at the horizon. And yes, it makes me and you wonder: What’s next? What does the future actually hold when the 9-to-5 grind stops grinding?
For decades, my identity was tied to what I did for a living. Now, as the retirement clock counts down, the road ahead feels remarkably wide open. It’s both a little intimidating and incredibly freeing. Without the structure of a workplace, the canvas is completely blank. And i hope my painting of the rest of my life will be colourful and filled with happiness.
Right now, I am finding my peace in a very simple, old-school way: writing it all down. Getting these thoughts out of my head and onto the blogpage it acts like a giant reset button. It clears the mental clutter, honors the memories of the mates who should have been here to see this milestone, and gives me a safe space to process the financial strain, the fears, and the friction at home.
Writing gives me the chance to redefine what "success" looks like. It’s no longer about hitting targets or solving everyone else's problems. It's about finding that elusive sense of calm, reclaiming my own time, and learning how to just be.
Here’s to less rushing, more writing, and finally finding that peaceful pace. The best chapters might just be the ones we have yet to write. And I hope for everyone in a similar position that you will seek help.
You are good enough to be here. Keep hoping and keep dreaming as nobody knows when your story comes to an end.
The Old Sailor,
