Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts

January 4, 2024

Losing a good friend hurts

 

Dear Bloggers,

 

I have sailed quite a bit of the worlds seas and oceans never felt alone at sea  as I had great colleagues with many years of experience in all kinds of situations. I had a bit of a rough start when I started sailing and my past being on the rescue team during a ships disaster was not very helpful during a boat drill I was overwhelmed by memories as the evacuation alarm sounded throughout the ships speakers. I felt emotions that I never knew before there was panic in my head and I could not think straight. I left the company for a while and made a new start on a cruise liner. After a while I came back again on a smaller and older vessel. But the crew was great and I closed most of them in my heart. Some of them I have been sailing with for quite some years. 



At sea you learn to know each other better as you invest more time into the personal matters. These good conversations about the things in life. Even if the sea was brutal and rough we had a good time and comforted the new ones. If we are going down we will go together. These friendships fade away when you stop sailing although most of my old friends are active on Facebook and I still follow them. And most of them have become very special people with special jobs in life. Or they found love in many different ways. Then all of a sudden the ships bell sounds with bad news that one of your closest friends is very ill and there will be no cure. I am not the person that waits for answers and I asked questions about what was going on. She enjoyed life to the fullest and was not ready to go. It struck me as lightning when I found out that she had gone over the horizon. That is where all good sailors go.

 



A ship sails and I stand watching till she fades on the horizon
and someone at my side says 
She is gone.
Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. 
She is just as large now as when I last saw her.
Her diminished size and total loss from my sight is in me, not in her. 

Although it’s often overlooked, the loss of a friend is just as devastating as that of any other loved one. It comes with the same force and it quickly takes you through a whirlwind of emotions before it throws you at grief’s mercy. Expect to be shocked, angry, confused and deeply disturbed as you try to make sense of it and adapt to its demands.




It is not easy to lose a close friend

We often trick ourselves into believing that the loss of a friend is an unfortunate experience and with it, we rule out its severity and impact on our life. That kind of attitude is particularly evident in the cases where our friend leaves a family and loved ones behind. Naturally, their bereaved spouse, parents, siblings are deeply affected but don’t let that take away the importance of your loss and put you at the bottom of the list.

Regardless of these arrangements, your grief is just as important and you need to give it the full attention it demands. Listen to it and be prepared to deal with the sudden burst of emotions, confusion and anger. You may feel guilty about past arguments or regret some of the things you remember saying and doing.

Grieving the loss of a friend is just as personal and unique as any other grief.




Losing a friend in later life

Nobody can prepare you for such a loss, even if it is the result of a long illness. Losing a close friend as an adult is likely to trigger a series of emotions beginning with shock and disbelief. Confusion or inabilities to talk about your feelings are also quite likely reactions in the early days of your loss.

However you feel, remember that it takes time to process that loss and to come to terms with it. Don’t be impatient with yourself and don’t pretend that you are not affected by it. Open the floodgates to let all these feelings and emotions overwhelm you. Then start to work your way through them as you begin to move forward with your life. Expect to cycle through the same feelings or to feel stuck and unable to see a way out of it. That’s how grief works but it gets better with time. 



Be with people who understand your grief

Be prepared to ‘suffer in silence’ because not everyone will appreciate the scale of your loss. The lack of recognition is also likely to affect how you deal with grief. Make sure you surround yourself with people who understand and respect that loss. The loss of your friend is not a reason to forget them. Look back at the wonderful times and treasure your memories. That’s their way of being a part of your life now and you need to embrace it.

Life without your friend is not going to be the same. You are going to miss them no matter what you do. That’s normal and so are the other feelings and emotions you are likely to experience. Remember that grief is a process which is unique to you. Be kind to yourself and allow plenty of time to grieve that loss. The emotional high that you get from the release of endorphins whilst laughing and having a good time with your friend is cut short and replaced with a mountain of sadness after their death. That’s the mountain you need to climb in order to move forward with your life after the loss of a close friend.



We knew a lot of great people in our lives at sea and many passed by with cosey nights sitting together and having a little drink in the so called Café Holland a place where many have good memories and many of us sang along with the music that was played including this Dutch song that’s called “Aan de kust.” Performed by Bløf. As we sailed with International crewmembers we tried to translate the lyrics into English so they had a clue what it was about. This song touched me again last week as it was aired on my car radio and this part of the song hit me.

Vlissingen ademt zwaar en moedeloos vannacht De haven is verlaten, want er is nog maar een vracht En die moet in het donker buitengaats worden gebracht Gedenk de goede tijden van zuiverheid en kracht Maar men weet het niet En zwijgt van wat men hoort en ziet

 

My Translation of the lyrics:

Vlissingen (town in Zeeland) breaths heavy and cheerless tonight

The harbor is abandoned, because there is only one shipment

And that has to be brought out of the harbor in the dark 

Commemorating the good times of purity and strength

But people don't know

And are quiet about what they hear and see

 



As Sailors we don’t say goobye but farewell my dear friend.


The Old Sailor,

 

May 23, 2020

Sitting quietly and look at the debris of my younger years

Dear Bloggers,

Doesn't a new start sound great? When life becomes difficult, you have failed several times, you have messed up a perfect relationship, and you are bored of your job, your house, your friends, and family; a new start sounds exciting when we find ourselves stuck in the mediocrities of life. We all have a past, and for some, it may be memorable, for others it may be horrible. Whatever the past looks like the enemy majors in causing us to indulge in what was. I am afforded the opportunity to have healthy discussions with many people from the young to old, mature and immature, strong and weak but what I recognize is from the least to the greatest the most common issues among them all is letting go of the past.


 I spent or should I say "Wasted" a lot of time and energy on what was, and what could have been. But I am grateful for the present and the bright future that I have in front of me and it's there for you too. I want to encourage you to take your time through this plan and to commit to stop looking back on all the negatives in your life. Our memory is not the enemy, but the way we use our memory will determine the damage. When I look back on life, it is for only moments of seeing what has happened and what it did to me and how I pickede it up how it has brought me through. As you are on the journey with me, I want you to understand that a new start is available to you no matter where you've been or what you have done. Maybe you should clean up the debris and give yourself a brand new start. There is always a moment for new beginnings, and now I look at every disappointment, hurt and pain as an opportunity to birth something new. We do ourselves a great injustice, when we keep looking back negatively.

 
In my life I faced many challenges that already started when I was still young and I lost the first one that I really loved. All of a sudden it struck me and a voice whispered that I should go home. In my head I knew that something has badly happened to someone. The closer I got to home the more I got the feeling that something was wrong with my girlfriend. I kept seeing images of an operation theatre and she called me. This wasn't a bad dream when I came home my mum was sitting at the table and she was crying. My dad was looking sad and said: Listen Son “I've got bad news to tell you.” I reacted I think I already know that she passed away. After the funeral I had to go back to school but nothing reached my brain as I was living in a bubble. I lived as someone who was heavily sedated. After I messed up my final exams I got a letter from the government to join the army.
 


In the beginning I did not like to be there. Ok, I did my best but not my utmost. Untill the moment I met the corporal that had served in Lebanon. He told me that this was just the simple live and out there you did not know what the next day would bring. Loosing buddies and being shot at. His story was fascinating me and it inspired me to be a better soldier. At an exercise in Germany, we had to load a bridge and we ran into a few supporters of Rote Armee Fraction, or at least so they claimed. I came face to face with one of these figures. My motto was to capture or kill him. But killing someone was not allowed in peacetime. in a blow with the butt of my rifle, I disarmed my opponent and went into a handbattle with him. I decided to silence the screaming and slapping bastard. I knocked him out and tied him up and hung him on the outside of the bridge. And then I chased his companion into the hands of the other guys. When my freund woke up he screamed like a lean suckling pig. We had to take them down and they were handed over to the local authorities. I was fined for my actions when we were back at base. I didn't care as I had the feeling that I did the right thing and no one got really hurt. Jus t another scar on my face and on my reputatioin. I was selected to go to Lebanon but the government stopped the project.



I was all of sudden being transferred to an other part of the country a bit closer to home. I needed to fit in the group of soldiers and go with them on excersises building bridges man the radio and securing the place. This was part of my life for the coming months not understanding wat the plan was untill the Sergeant Major called me in his office and told me to shut the door behind me. The only thing that crossed my mind was that I had done something silly again in the last cou;ple of days as I was bored like hell. He send me on a mission to Germany to do something for a special unit. I had to dress up like a regular Jake. I got some train tickets and some cash for my expences. In Germany I had to ring a number and I would get an address to go to meet an other guy who worked for the same network. I was surprised that no one really knew what this group was doing. The operation was strange and I had to take a British guy back with me as he was captured in the Eastern part of Germany which was still splitted up at that time.. I travelled back with the British guy called Rowan and we had to behave like tourists to get back to The Netherlands. Just at he first trainstation we got off the train and I dailed the number that I got from the German guy. Rowan was picked up by a British driver and they drove of. I called the number that and told them that the mission was completed and I could go home. Later I learned that this was a mission to bring servicemen and women back home.


After my Army days I had to fit in the normal life again I missed the militairy stuff in a way. On the other hand I was happy that I had survived everything that came on my path.I stated a job as a dishwasher in a local restaurant and had ambitions to grow in this business. And I did first of all in a local bar and a small disco. I rented myself out as a waiter and bartender and I had a lot of fun doing this. During the wintertime I worked in factories to keep the bills being paid. I had a few relationships during this times but they ended not from my side. Maybe they did not really love me.
 

At certain moment I met my wife and she could live with me and all my funny ways. Of course as in every relationship there are ups and downs. I started a job as a waiter on passengership but at first it was not succcesfull things from my past brought me on my knees. I had to stop and after a period of getting my life together. When I was ready again I took a job as a bartender on a small cruiseliner the crew was great and the food was crap. Heavily drinking after the shift solved a lot of the problems. 



After a while I moved back home and got a job on the DFDS ferries on the lines between Asterdam and Newcastle and Hamburg and Harwich. During this period I tripped and fell down the stairs at home and do the crash I lost my balance and speech for several months . Do to hard work and help from family and friends I recovered almost fully and after a few years I was back on board. I did many jobs during these years on board and ended up in the Guest Service Centre. when my health deteriorated and I was forced to look for another job according to my specialist, a reorganization had to take place and my job was at stake. After my discharge, I decided to become a bus driver in public transport after about six months. It changed my outlook on life. We are enjoying our moments together in our own way. I am sitting behind my computer writing my blog and my head is traveling down memory lane.

 
Not that bad I think for a regular guy who never got his high school diploma but learned a lot on the way to a regular life with a regular job. No I am nothing special to you but for the ones I love I am their special specalist who is happy most of the time. 

And it doesn't matter if it is dark out there we have to believe that there is always the Sun to come out. Every good day is called yesterday.






We were made to move forward, and it's time to stop looking back.

The Old Sailor,

August 30, 2017

Saunter

Dear Bloggers,

There are amazing sounds coming from the little silhouette in the tree. The dark blue sky shoots through the small beak. Could there also be birds who do not dare to sing their song? Who only sing their father's psalms when sitting next to him on a twig. My dad could tell me directly what name this little animal has received. With his eyes closed. So he must have seen it with me too. I did not know what a sissy was. Some kind of vegetable, I thought. At least I understood that it was something dirty. Not that I was busy with those kind of things. I did not search for these kind of answers as I do nowadays constantly. Just because I am curious and want to know why? Things were just the way they were and yes it was bad news and I had to man up. But in that regard, I was perhaps more a sensitive guy and sometimes I was maybe more a girl or a little sissy like my father called it.


For example, my mother always had tea ready when I came home after school. It seemed like she had been waiting the whole day for us, something that I could do as well. Just I love to hang out with my wife and kids. I was really a bit of a softy who could enjoy these little loving and caring things that my mother did. Yes and I was a pretty simple guy, I burned my lips and tongue on my tea over and over again.


Next to each other, we sat in the window sill, our wet hairs against the glass that protected us against the ticking drops that wanted to get in. We just had been under the shower. She looked at me. I looked at her. We sat together hand in hand in the window sill. The ticking was going on and it felt like that the window had disappeared and all the drops of the world sat in my body and wanted to get out. Tickling, tingling, tickling against the inside of my skin, my belly, my eyelids, my burned tongue and lips.


Abducted by my shivering spine. Sitting there in the window sill I saw how she, cold as ice, took a few big slugs of the steamy tea. Why did not I see that, she was not a little softy girl at all? And yes she was a lot harder and tougher than me. But I did not care about that I just loved her and did not really know yet, what I could do with this girl. So I just enjoyed each moment we had together.


Now I'm sitting on a bench in a park looking at a little bird whose name I do not know. It's singing so beautiful that it's got to be afraid of love and it must be heartbroken. Only years later, I just realized that there were many other possibilities in relations, and that boys with boys and girls could be with other girls and that these were the so-called sissies. So I was not a little sissy but a little wimp or a softy. In the years that I went to sea and sailed internationally, I discovered that this was not strange and that these people are actually very nice people. And some have become really the ones that should be counted to my best friends. So, I did not understand anything about fear of gays, no, they really don't play with you and it's not really contagious. 


I've been married with a marvelous woman and I understand that luckily we're not all being the same. The fact that I was not a sissy-boy was something I showed during my military service. I struggled and fought hard and cautiously there was only one way and that was only forward and it was sometimes that it felt tough and the road was heavy but with your comrades you can do a lot. Although there are some things that stick forever in your system, but it has made me the man I am now. And I'm very proud of it, even though I have to tell it to myself. I am maybe a bit off the wagon, but I think you should be a little bit crazy and I think it;s actually very healthy.


Do you see that there is an old exercise book between my feet on the ground? With the two horses on the cover. One white and one black, both are galloping, running, jogging. Ah, whatever. In that exercise book I wrote my first voluntary sentences. Her name is on top of each page. After a sweet story about just fun things and yes, what did I have a huge butterfly garden in my belly. 


Suddenly I saw those horses grazing between my old school stuff. Stories about her and me. That we walked into the village hand in hand. She secretly stayed with me without touching her own bed. I have described millions of kisses in detail. Descriptions of kisses that I would give her. And then there are only empty pages left, Blank, Virgin white pages. The stories stopped when she unfortunately did not come back to me again. What we were to each other it did not come back to me. She all of a sudden just collapsed and died on a volleyball court in a sports hall. What do I hate tumors in the brain. There are all those empty pages again.


Why does that little beast in my head not shut up? Why do the hollow sounds of the little creature still enter the empty night? I will flick him out of that tree with this damn book. It will now know that nobody will listen to him if I hit him with these running horses on his beak. I'm on to the bloody beast with his big mouth. Nobody will be able to see on which side the beak was. With a Smile on my face I will listen to the squeeze and the bloodshed of the blood under the weight of my foot. Very short and fierce I will laugh. Then tears will come and their will be regret. I will scrape the puddle with feathers from underneath my boot. I will punch it and push the air on my hand. "Fly, fly, fly again please," I'll whisper to it, "sing, sing, sing please." His parents will be heartbroken pops in my mind, all of a sudden. An t question myself: So much sadness and why? I'm still angry with the fact that someone will be ripped so out of your life. No, you don't want to give this to your worst enemy. For years I have been thinking about the deep wounds that must have struck in the life's of the parents, siblings, school friends and friends. 


And what to think of what was still to be explored in the field of love. Hardly and all of a sudden stopped every one's world and I became sick of the thought that I could never see her again and that I could not hold her anymore. Never more the fun together and doing things together. No, I picked up my life again and I could not change anything about it. Still, I ask myself these questions and I can sometimes walk around with this. Probably at a certain time she would have walked and had found somewhere in the world a tanned Adonis that could've made her happier. But yes ,,,,,,, I will never get these answers. The Lord is merciful but also about that I am no longer sure.


The galloping horses do not blow up any dust in my brain. It's been almost 35 years since and my life has known a lot of ups and downs. But never has anyone ever called me a sissy again. And yes, meanwhile, I am also the father of two children, and I hope I will do things better than my own parents, but that's the purpose of every parent in my opinion. I'm also making mistakes and I've forgiven my father for a long time. He was full of grief as such a young life should not stop this way, his heart broke as every parents heart would, he had to get us back on track as a family because everyday life just goes on. As I grow older, I notice more and more that people around me sometimes have deep scratches on their souls.


There are still beautiful sounds from the silhouette in the tree. The vocals of animal are answered by another birdie and suddenly they shoot through the branches. So there is always a new beginning and this is probably the most beautiful thing in the world. It's just those little things that can make life so beautiful. And then I realize that bench where I'm sitting alone and that I just have to go on with the most beautiful memories and the thoughts that just came together. I hope therefore whatever you should do in this life, think it's been worth it and I had the chance doing the most wonderful things in my life. Sometimes I was falling on my face pretty hard and I just wiped my tears away and took my loss, Even when it hurt I still got up again.
So be careful with what you are saying to someone.

The Old Sailor,

February 27, 2013

The Crash...


Dear Bloggers,

In the last few years, one of my close friends has dealt with the untimely loss of a spouse. I'd like to share this story and what we all have learned about dealing with grief and moving forward at the appropriate time.


My friend was the one who died suddenly of a massive car crash at age 32, leaving a wife and 2 children from 14 and 8. He could not go with them as he needed to finish things at work and he would come later that evening. While he had been feeling poorly that morning he had no easy answers on this feeling, he urged his wife and children to go on a family holiday out of town because they should not loose any of this precious time. Crazy how life can turn around so sudden. When his wife and family returned quickly when they learned of his death and dealt with the funeral, the estate and all the implications of losing their husband and father. 


It would have been very different circumstances if he would have been seriously ill with a sickness, for example cancer then there is most of the time some time left to say goodbye. even though the loss of any wife and mother or husband and father is tragic. The death of a father and husband which was sudden, unexpected and laden with guilt for his dying alone. 


Whatever the circumstances, dealing with the death of a spouse has to be one of the most difficult and traumatic experiences of life. Based on the experiences of others and lots of research, here are some ideas and perspectives that might help.
Try to understand the stages of grief.
  • Denial: "This can’t be happening to me."
  • Anger: "Why is this happening? Who is to blame?"
  • Bargaining: "Make this not happen, and in return I will ____."
  • Depression: "I’m too sad to do anything."
  • Acceptance: "I’m at peace with what is going to happen/has happened."
Everyone who loses someone close to them moves through these stages, usually in this order. As a husband or wife who loses a spouse to death confronts the profound feelings of loss, it can help to recognize in which stage you are operating and to know that there can be personal peace at the end of the grieving process.
Recognize that time tends to heal wounds. When we are in the midst of feelings of loss or grief, it can truly seem like the feelings will last forever. But time's passage has a way of healing these feelings. Keeping a sense of hope through the feelings of grief can help a mother or father who has lost his or her spouse make it through each day. 


Lean on your support system. Fortunately for my friends, there were exceptional support systems. They both had large families on both sides on whom they could lean. They had friends also from work who were helpful through the transition.  Big plus they had was the community of faith on whom they leaned emotionally and physically. The ones who find themselves alone after the death of a spouse need to allow others who are close to them into their inner circle of feelings. People who care about you want to help, and you are in a time when you need it perhaps the most. 


Express your feelings. Don't bottle up emotions of grief and sorrow. Sometimes societal expectations make men particularly want to be strong and stoic. Especially if you have children that are grieving with you, you may feel a need to be their "rock." But you will need some time to express your feelings, insecurities and loneliness. Talk to friends, seek counseling, write, cry  whatever the outlet will be, let the feelings be expressed. Repressing them only brings greater challenges later. 


Take care of yourself physically. It will be important for you to eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise. Avoid self-defeating behaviors like turning to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain. Just taking walks with a close friend or family member can make a world of difference in your mood. 

Take your time. Grieving works differently for different people. I cannot write a basic transcript for everyone as everyone experiences these emotions in his or her own way. Do not let others make you feel rushed to get on with your life or move ahead. Move at your pace. Don't make any major decisions that will have life-changing implications through the grief process. 


Today my friends are doing well and their life is moving forward. My friends wife is now back in the work force and busy raising her children. Not yet remarried and not really worried about it, she is again building a new life with new opportunities. All of them have worked through this important life transition, taking different approaches but main part is that it’s working. They gave me the permission on writing about their situation as others might learn something from it. I made the choice of not mentioning any names. I think that nobody gains anything here.


The most important thing for any grieving father or mother to remember is that through the grieving process, there is hope and that with time and effort, life can again be full of happiness and possibilities. All the roads you will take might look new, but most of them have been tried by someone. 

The Old Sailor,

February 19, 2013

Bullying is lethal my friends


Dear Bloggers, 

We hear and see the national news reports regarding bullying in schools, neighborhoods and communities. It's nothing new, the pundits promise action, and we feel a bit better that the problem is being addressed. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

The latest casualty? Anass Aouragh , a 13-year-old boy from Wassenaar. Teased relentlessly, his mentor, says there is now an empty space at school. What are the reasons for the perpetual taunting? His small size, his high IQ  there are no reasons given yet. Was he not able to deal with the verbal assaults and the sticks and paper dots that were thrown at him, or was it when they started making fun of him? Somewhere he reached the breaking point.

 
His parents, were worried about their son when he did not return home from an after school job bringing around advertising leaflets. Worry turned into frantic and desperate fear, and soon they organized a search party. The police send out an Amber Alert. Hours later, in the morning they found him, in the woods of Wassenaar. The image of the scene and their tortured agony is almost too much to bear. 
When are schools going to get it? Teaching the 3 R’s, reading, writing and arithmetic, is not enough. 


Tolerance, respect and common decency need to be addressed along with the basics, because unfortunately, this is often not taught at home. And not only that, teachers, principals and administrators need to be constantly in touch and vigilant about what's going on in the classroom and on the playground.
Bullying is a problem that is not going to go away on its own. How many more deaths have to occur before schools take this problem seriously and responsibly? 


Fleur Bloemen was another victim of what we never can understand. One of the kids said after she died: She never spoke about what she was going through.
This is very often the case. These kids are ashamed, embarrassed, shy, even afraid to speak up, which is why all school personnel must keep their ears and eyes open and be prepared to intervene. This is why all parents have to talk to their children about how to treat others, and must know what their kids are doing and who they're doing it with. It's called parenting.


This is not an isolated problem -- Fleur is just one of the latest examples. Last month it was Fleur, a  high school student, who took her own life with jumping in front of train. No longer able to withstand the taunting from a group at school, she permanently ended the verbal assaults the only way she knew how. The reason for the harassment? She was wished dead by fellow students and was taunted on prepschool. Again, this fun-loving youngster kept it all inside, not wanting to upset his family by the derogatory comments. And now she jumped and some of her fellow students saw it happen. 


Tim Ribberink, died 4 months ago in an apparent suicide. Authorities suspect the bullying he endured at school and at work played a role.Tim Ribberink....... was trying to escape the cruelty from his being a happy guy who was taunted being gay. After being punched, kicked and yelled at, he was victimized on social networks when his body was found at home his parents published a part of his farewll note in the advert in the local newspaper. The persons held responsible for this cannot be held responsible for this henious crime.

However, it is setting a precedent that the schools do have liability.
As I mention in 5 very important lessons from tragic bullying deaths, (1) Those struggling with their sexuality need to realize there are sources in every community to help; these kids are often targets (2) Parents must speak out. You must talk to your child about bullying and let them know it is wrong. Also, you must ask them often if they or anyone they know is being bullied. If so, you must report it immediately; (3) Teachers, administrators and school personnel have a duty to stop bullying on school grounds. There must be a zero tolerance policy. (4) Parents must teach their children acceptance and tolerance of others that are different, and that we all have gifts to share to make the world a better place. (5) Not only must bullies be held accountable -- their parents should be, as well.


Schools in the Netherlands are being offered the Kiva Method from Finland. KiVa is a research-based antibullying program that has been developed in the University of Turku, Finland, with funding from the Ministry of Education and Culture. The effectiveness of KiVa has been shown in a large randomized controlled trial. In Finland, KiVa is a sought-after program: 90 % of all comprehensive schools in the country are registered KiVa schools implementing the program.


KiVa has been evaluated in a large randomized controlled trial including 117 intervention schools and 117 control schools. The program has been shown to reduce both self- and peer-reported bullying and victimization significantly. It influences multiple form of victimization, including verbal, physical, and cyberbullying. In addition, positive effects on school liking, academic motivation and achievement have been reported. KiVa also reduces anxiety and depression and has a positive impact on students’ perception of their peer climate. A remarkable 98% of victims involved in discussions with the schools’ KiVa teams felt that their situation improved. Finally, Finnish data from more than 1000 schools that started the implementation of KiVa in fall 2009 showed that after the first year of implementation, both victimization and bullying had reduced significantly

.
It's too late to bring back any of these precious children, but hopefully their deaths will bring about change. If you can take one thing away, let it be this: Talk to your children. Listen to your children. If you do this, no telling what you'll learn. Talk, talk, talk, and keep those lines of communication open. Is someone bullying them? Are they bullying someone? And finally, do they know someone who is being bullied? Ask often and listen carefully.

All of them could have been alive today. Always remember that you can make a difference.

The Old Sailor,


December 25, 2012

All of a sudden it was Christmas again


Dear Bloggers,

For most of us, the holiday of Christmas is often filled with food, presents, family, friends, church family maybe, and many other festive things. It's a time when we get together to remember times long past and to discuss things that are going on today, whether it's funny stories and just getting a few great laughs, or getting together most importantly to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, or to discuss world events and such. Some people don't celebrate at all, and that's OK too. Everybody has their own thing. Christmas can be a very fun holiday and a time to connect with others and to be giving generously. But for some, Christmas can be a very painful reminder of something else. That is, the loss of a loved one. . . . . . . 


Just when the holiday season had started, a family I know lost her man and father who was a very important and much loved family member in their lives to a sudden death of at present unknown causes. They were like everybody else, getting ready for the holidays and looking forward to friends and family getting together. Then the rug was pulled out from under them. Instead of joy, they are feeling intense grief at this sudden loss. Now all of a sudden their plans for Christmas will have an absent family member; husband, father, mentor and friend to so many. Almost all the 1,000 people of our little village went to the funeral to pay their respects. It goes to show what he was in life by the amount of friends he had and the respect they had for him. He earned every bit of it, and I hope he is now with the Lord. I grieve along with the family and friends, for the loss is a very big and devastating one to those of us who knew him.


Many other people have lost loved ones to horrible circumstances during the holidays. Car accidents or other kinds of accidents, suicide, homicide, a sudden or perhaps a lingering illness, and other terrible situations. During the holidays the loss can be devastating and overshadow the holiday and for some very good reasons. It's difficult to enjoy the holiday when you have suffered the loss of someone you loved more than anything during that time period, and their absence creates a void that will never again be completely filled. Christmas is now not only a holiday to celebrate the birth of Christ, but it's now a reminder of the death of a loved one. In time it may heal, but the scar will forever remain, lingering in the back of their minds. That's the very sad part of it, and I would never wish it upon anyone. 



But there is one thing I have always found in all my 44 years. Having lost loved ones myself and thinking of them during Christmas, one thing was very clear even if everything else wasn't at the time. Even though I am not much of a believer, I still think that God doesn't always cause death, but at times he may take someone for reasons known only to him at the time. Sometimes it's a blessing depending on the circumstances, especially if someone is suffering horribly. But often death happens for reasons that God has nothing to do with. 


We all make choices at times, and sometimes choices may take us into a dangerous path which can either take our lives or the lives of others. It's not done on purpose of course, and it's never foreseen, it's just sometimes a result of a person's judgment that isn't always up to par, and unfortunately there are sometimes consequences. Just one mistake can change the course of a person's life forever. Many grieve along with us when we lose somebody because of those circumstances. When it comes to appealing to human nature, he can't change his natural laws for just one person.
Once he created those laws, it had to be universal for everyone, even if it meant pain and heartache at times. The collapse of the Twin Towers is a perfect example of how he could not just re-raise the structure and reverse what happened. Or more recent the shooting on a elementary school in Newton were more than twenty lives were lost, it feels that God has abandoned them. He would have had to do that with everything else as well. 

I give all of you a huge hug and encouragement. Don't ever give up. Our loved ones want us to keep going and keep their memory alive. If we do that, we will always be honoring not only their memory, but honoring them as people who were always will be important to us. As they thought us many important things in live. 
I hope your Christmas and New Year will be very prosperous and happy. Merry Christmas to all of you.
The Old Sailor,

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