What if it is .........

 

Dear Bloggers,

It's been a while since my last blog post, and it's been a turbulent few weeks.

For me, at least. Life isn't going the way I want it to, and that's causing some resistance. Nothing new, really, and it gives me another chance to dive into myself and discover what all this means to me. Things aren't going smoothly at work either, and to make matters worse, our trusty old Volvo broke down. Repairing it would be far to expensive, so we had to look for a replacement. Fortunately, I'm not a pessimist and I'm not in a hurry when it comes to buying a car.

 

Remember when I wrote about flow and designing beautiful journeys? Well, flow and budget are out the window, so that will have to wait. I also wrote about the exciting decision my partner made to change course. It's a little too exciting now that she's doing things independently again and going out in her own car.

I was recently studying Thai Chi on the net, a slow form of movement that feels like a kind of dance. A form of movement in which you should slowly sink into the resistance. Now I was in a position with only resistance, I wasn't sinking anywhere. And suddenly something popped into my brain. It was the following.

 I'm actually quite tired.

Tired of fighting with myself every day. Tired of working hard, doing my best to keep up with my surroundings. Tired of the expectations I place on myself. Tired of dreaming of financial freedom, a good pension, and wanting things to be different.

 

Writing this down and sharing it is a bit of a thing. Because hey, I was in a flow. I had planned wonderful trips for my wife and myself. The year didn't start off great, but we came up with some great projects and had plenty of new plans.

And now it's February and suddenly my world has come to a standstill. Okay, it just seems to be standing still. Everything is on hold. Everything has been sown and now we're waiting to see which plant will sprout first. And which plant won't. And no, that's not my favorite moment in the creative process.

Yesterday, I spoke to a friend who understood me and said he didn't want it anymore either. I'm just done with waiting and uncertainty. And after all my wanderings, I've finally settled down in a nice house for 15 years now and have a steady job, which gave me peace of mind.

 

And as tempting as that sounds, I know deep down that what I'm doing is right, at least for me. I've experienced wonderful things at work and at home over the past few months.

And when I travel to Australia or here in the Netherlands and stroll through the woods with my dogs and my wife, I feel so at home. So in tune. So right. And so I carry on.

And while I wait for better times, I write about these new creative creations. I discover how much fun it is to travel the world. Simply because it makes me happy and I can. Maybe it's precisely because I'm staying in the moment and experiencing what this whole process is doing to me.

 

The tax authorities haven't broken me. Although I do worry unconsciously and try to live consciously. And so I don't rush past the less pleasant things. That I finally feel what is there and that it's okay. I'm allowed to be tired. I'm allowed to be fed up. I'm allowed to just not know for a while. I don't have to go anywhere. Of course, my brain has very different ideas about this.

My brain hates not knowing. To admit that I am sometimes fed up. Horrible. And it looks for all kinds of excuses and maneuvers to get out of this situation. But it is what it is. And as long as I stay in the moment, there is actually nothing wrong. The unrest comes from all kinds of thoughts and beliefs that have little to do with where I am now.

 

Whether or not my trip goes ahead, deep down it doesn't matter at all. Deep down, nothing in me is changing. So my thoughts can think and fill in all kinds of things, but I don't have to attach any truth to them. So for now, it's unsettling. I accept it. It will remain turbulent for me for a while, but just as the flow was temporary, this is also temporary.

And in the meantime, I'm going to consciously enjoy spring, all those buds that are about to burst open again. And I'll see what blooms for me this summer. I wrote this blog last night, and when I went to bed, I felt happier and calmer. It's as if writing this down gave me a pat on the head. A kind of pat on the back. Come on, boy, it's okay.

The Old Sailor,

 

 

The Crash...

Dear Bloggers,

In the last few years, one of my close friends has dealt with the untimely loss of a spouse. I'd like to share this story and what we all have learned about dealing with grief and moving forward at the appropriate time.

My friend was the one who died suddenly of a massive car crash at age 32, leaving a wife and 2 children from 14 and 8. He could not go with them as he needed to finish things at work and he would come later that evening. While he had been feeling poorly that morning he had no easy answers on this feeling, he urged his wife and children to go on a family holiday out of town because they should not loose any of this precious time. Crazy how life can turn around so sudden. When his wife and family returned quickly when they learned of his death and dealt with the funeral, the estate and all the implications of losing their husband and father. 

It would have been very different circumstances if he would have been seriously ill with a sickness, for example cancer then there is most of the time some time left to say goodbye. even though the loss of any wife and mother or husband and father is tragic. The death of a father and husband which was sudden, unexpected and laden with guilt for his dying alone. 

Whatever the circumstances, dealing with the death of a spouse has to be one of the most difficult and traumatic experiences of life. Based on the experiences of others and lots of research, here are some ideas and perspectives that might help.
Try to understand the stages of grief.

• Denial: "This can’t be happening to me."
• Anger: "Why is this happening? Who is to blame?"
• Bargaining: "Make this not happen, and in return I will ____."
• Depression: "I’m too sad to do anything."
• Acceptance: "I’m at peace with what is going to happen/has happened."

Everyone who loses someone close to them moves through these stages, usually in this order. As a husband or wife who loses a spouse to death confronts the profound feelings of loss, it can help to recognize in which stage you are operating and to know that there can be personal peace at the end of the grieving process.
Recognize that time tends to heal wounds. When we are in the midst of feelings of loss or grief, it can truly seem like the feelings will last forever. But time's passage has a way of healing these feelings. Keeping a sense of hope through the feelings of grief can help a mother or father who has lost his or her spouse make it through each day. 

Lean on your support system. Fortunately for my friends, there were exceptional support systems. They both had large families on both sides on whom they could lean. They had friends also from work who were helpful through the transition.  Big plus they had was the community of faith on whom they leaned emotionally and physically. The ones who find themselves alone after the death of a spouse need to allow others who are close to them into their inner circle of feelings. People who care about you want to help, and you are in a time when you need it perhaps the most. 

Express your feelings. Don't bottle up emotions of grief and sorrow. Sometimes societal expectations make men particularly want to be strong and stoic. Especially if you have children that are grieving with you, you may feel a need to be their "rock." But you will need some time to express your feelings, insecurities and loneliness. Talk to friends, seek counseling, write, cry  whatever the outlet will be, let the feelings be expressed. Repressing them only brings greater challenges later. 

Take care of yourself physically. It will be important for you to eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise. Avoid self-defeating behaviors like turning to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain. Just taking walks with a close friend or family member can make a world of difference in your mood. 

Take your time. Grieving works differently for different people. I cannot write a basic transcript for everyone as everyone experiences these emotions in his or her own way. Do not let others make you feel rushed to get on with your life or move ahead. Move at your pace. Don't make any major decisions that will have life-changing implications through the grief process. 

Today my friends are doing well and their life is moving forward. My friends wife is now back in the work force and busy raising her children. Not yet remarried and not really worried about it, she is again building a new life with new opportunities. All of them have worked through this important life transition, taking different approaches but main part is that it’s working. They gave me the permission on writing about their situation as others might learn something from it. I made the choice of not mentioning any names. I think that nobody gains anything here.

The most important thing for any grieving father or mother to remember is that through the grieving process, there is hope and that with time and effort, life can again be full of happiness and possibilities. All the roads you will take might look new, but most of them have been tried by someone. 

The Old Sailor,

Silent killer called Cancer

Dear Bloggers,

In my life there is an other person that struggles with the horrors of a partner who is dying of cancer. I guess that most of us know someone either closely related or far away like someone at work. But the feelings and the thoughts are turning around your stomach. Maybe you can imagine that someone you love will die slowly from cancer this disease is taking him or her out slowly.

Text : Stand hiker and read, who's remains are lying here, just remember that sooner or later this fate will hit you too

As a young kid, I have always had this naïve idea of what death was. Especially the kind that is preceded by illness. Hollywood portrays it as some thing that actually draws people together around some common cause – that of helping the ill one ease their last days here/ Wow, have I found that to not be true. One, what if you don’t die right away? All these people come together with that one cause, which doesn’t really exist for weeks, months or maybe years.

I know of one person’s husband who had cancer, and was “dying” of it for 2 years! That is a long time for someone given two months and what about the rest of the family, these must be though times. How many times can you say goodbye? Furthermore, as the ill one, how long can you go on being teased by death with the promise of all it brings in the afterlife, only to continue to have to endure earthly pains, joys, struggles, and all that? For example he was given 2 months to live initially. At that 2-month mark, he had been through a terrible bout with chemo, and actually looked forward to more, if it was going to make me better in the end. Well, it didn’t and wouldn’t. I respected this Though decission of him: “I will have no chemo any more, or any other treatment”. The goal is to keep me comfortable as long as possible. “Hey, I am not in pain”. However, we have experienced some bodily changes that caused me to see and experience you differently – and the treatment for each of these, has proven to be helpful in accepting all the discomfort.

The docs were surprised at how “well” you were doing. Your spirits are high – no, you are not awaiting a miracle or some other magical cure. You are not going to Mexico for alternative treatments. It is simply just waiting. Had a great discussion tonight with my partner about how life gets us to decisions. Do we make several “perfect” decisions that get us to the right place….or is life really just a serious of millions of smaller decisions that move us all over creation to get us to where we are. In truth, I have always fancied myself to have the “right” answer – eventually. Yet, when I look back on my life, I see a set of random, spontaneous decisions that have given me the richest set of experiences. Not goal oriented at all! And the ones that I have tried to carefully orchestrate have been the most frustrating or forces. Then there are those things about which I have actively made the little and big decisions to NOT deal with. Those are the most frustrating and disappointing in that they always come back to bite you. They are the lessons that life keeps giving you over and over until you hopefully learn them. I am just not that bright.


Shocking news when they tell you that your time is nearly up

I knew years ago that my father had control issues with me. That is fine as a youngster. But, not as a 43 year old, otherwise successful, man. I still let myself get manipulated, shamed, guilted and yes, controlled, by him as I am still the youngest of the family. I am a strong, smart, successful person in most walks of my life, and plenty independent overall. Yet I cave at the idea of having to stand up to my father as everything I did was out of line, not really structured or at least not steady as a family income. At least my life has not been boring at all. I know that he is afraid that I would make more funny moves like going back to sea again. Strange as I have no fear of dying at all.



I guess it all gets back to those dying days. Or my friends dying days. He said: “I am not yet dead, and have a chance to continue living – with all of life’s challenges – until I get a few of these left over lessons right. And I won’t get it right once. I have to get it right many times, over and over, and I will still mess up. I can apologize to all those I have hurt. It may or may not be enough. I can own my part in what has gone wrong – that through my inaction I caused. It may not be enough”.



You have the “gift”, he was told, of knowing that he was going to die imminently, but nobody knows how long that will be. “Honestly, I felt cheated that I had to live longer than my expected 2 months”. He told me one day these words made a deep impact on me. We are so used to getting the right answers that we expect 2 months nothing more and nothing less. After he got over the fact that he had “beaten” that deadline, I realized that he had fully geared up to leave.



But, I have time left to really tie up some loose ends, to say heartfelt goodbyes, to try to repair some of the behaviors I have resented in myself – those which have unintentionally hurt others around me that I love. Can I do that? We’ll see. It’s totally up to me. Will the loved ones accept it from me? We’ll see. If it would hit me than I don’t have a lot of time or chances to get it right this time.

The Old Sailor,