Losing a good friend hurts

 

Dear Bloggers,

 

I have sailed quite a bit of the worlds seas and oceans never felt alone at sea  as I had great colleagues with many years of experience in all kinds of situations. I had a bit of a rough start when I started sailing and my past being on the rescue team during a ships disaster was not very helpful during a boat drill I was overwhelmed by memories as the evacuation alarm sounded throughout the ships speakers. I felt emotions that I never knew before there was panic in my head and I could not think straight. I left the company for a while and made a new start on a cruise liner. After a while I came back again on a smaller and older vessel. But the crew was great and I closed most of them in my heart. Some of them I have been sailing with for quite some years. 

At sea you learn to know each other better as you invest more time into the personal matters. These good conversations about the things in life. Even if the sea was brutal and rough we had a good time and comforted the new ones. If we are going down we will go together. These friendships fade away when you stop sailing although most of my old friends are active on Facebook and I still follow them. And most of them have become very special people with special jobs in life. Or they found love in many different ways. Then all of a sudden the ships bell sounds with bad news that one of your closest friends is very ill and there will be no cure. I am not the person that waits for answers and I asked questions about what was going on. She enjoyed life to the fullest and was not ready to go. It struck me as lightning when I found out that she had gone over the horizon. That is where all good sailors go.

 

A ship sails and I stand watching till she fades on the horizon
and someone at my side says 
She is gone.
Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. 
She is just as large now as when I last saw her.
Her diminished size and total loss from my sight is in me, not in her. 

Although it’s often overlooked, the loss of a friend is just as devastating as that of any other loved one. It comes with the same force and it quickly takes you through a whirlwind of emotions before it throws you at grief’s mercy. Expect to be shocked, angry, confused and deeply disturbed as you try to make sense of it and adapt to its demands.

It is not easy to lose a close friend

We often trick ourselves into believing that the loss of a friend is an unfortunate experience and with it, we rule out its severity and impact on our life. That kind of attitude is particularly evident in the cases where our friend leaves a family and loved ones behind. Naturally, their bereaved spouse, parents, siblings are deeply affected but don’t let that take away the importance of your loss and put you at the bottom of the list.

Regardless of these arrangements, your grief is just as important and you need to give it the full attention it demands. Listen to it and be prepared to deal with the sudden burst of emotions, confusion and anger. You may feel guilty about past arguments or regret some of the things you remember saying and doing.

Grieving the loss of a friend is just as personal and unique as any other grief.

Losing a friend in later life

Nobody can prepare you for such a loss, even if it is the result of a long illness. Losing a close friend as an adult is likely to trigger a series of emotions beginning with shock and disbelief. Confusion or inabilities to talk about your feelings are also quite likely reactions in the early days of your loss.

However you feel, remember that it takes time to process that loss and to come to terms with it. Don’t be impatient with yourself and don’t pretend that you are not affected by it. Open the floodgates to let all these feelings and emotions overwhelm you. Then start to work your way through them as you begin to move forward with your life. Expect to cycle through the same feelings or to feel stuck and unable to see a way out of it. That’s how grief works but it gets better with time. 

Be with people who understand your grief

Be prepared to ‘suffer in silence’ because not everyone will appreciate the scale of your loss. The lack of recognition is also likely to affect how you deal with grief. Make sure you surround yourself with people who understand and respect that loss. The loss of your friend is not a reason to forget them. Look back at the wonderful times and treasure your memories. That’s their way of being a part of your life now and you need to embrace it.

Life without your friend is not going to be the same. You are going to miss them no matter what you do. That’s normal and so are the other feelings and emotions you are likely to experience. Remember that grief is a process which is unique to you. Be kind to yourself and allow plenty of time to grieve that loss. The emotional high that you get from the release of endorphins whilst laughing and having a good time with your friend is cut short and replaced with a mountain of sadness after their death. That’s the mountain you need to climb in order to move forward with your life after the loss of a close friend.

We knew a lot of great people in our lives at sea and many passed by with cosey nights sitting together and having a little drink in the so called Café Holland a place where many have good memories and many of us sang along with the music that was played including this Dutch song that’s called “Aan de kust.” Performed by Bløf. As we sailed with International crewmembers we tried to translate the lyrics into English so they had a clue what it was about. This song touched me again last week as it was aired on my car radio and this part of the song hit me.

Vlissingen ademt zwaar en moedeloos vannacht
De haven is verlaten, want er is nog maar een vracht
En die moet in het donker buitengaats worden gebracht
Gedenk de goede tijden van zuiverheid en kracht
Maar men weet het niet
En zwijgt van wat men hoort en ziet

 

My Translation of the lyrics:

Vlissingen (town in Zeeland) breaths heavy and cheerless tonight

The harbor is abandoned, because there is only one shipment

And that has to be brought out of the harbor in the dark 

Commemorating the good times of purity and strength

But people don't know

And are quiet about what they hear and see

 

As Sailors we don’t say goobye but farewell my dear friend.

The Old Sailor,

 

The Crash...

Dear Bloggers,

In the last few years, one of my close friends has dealt with the untimely loss of a spouse. I'd like to share this story and what we all have learned about dealing with grief and moving forward at the appropriate time.

My friend was the one who died suddenly of a massive car crash at age 32, leaving a wife and 2 children from 14 and 8. He could not go with them as he needed to finish things at work and he would come later that evening. While he had been feeling poorly that morning he had no easy answers on this feeling, he urged his wife and children to go on a family holiday out of town because they should not loose any of this precious time. Crazy how life can turn around so sudden. When his wife and family returned quickly when they learned of his death and dealt with the funeral, the estate and all the implications of losing their husband and father. 

It would have been very different circumstances if he would have been seriously ill with a sickness, for example cancer then there is most of the time some time left to say goodbye. even though the loss of any wife and mother or husband and father is tragic. The death of a father and husband which was sudden, unexpected and laden with guilt for his dying alone. 

Whatever the circumstances, dealing with the death of a spouse has to be one of the most difficult and traumatic experiences of life. Based on the experiences of others and lots of research, here are some ideas and perspectives that might help.
Try to understand the stages of grief.

• Denial: "This can’t be happening to me."
• Anger: "Why is this happening? Who is to blame?"
• Bargaining: "Make this not happen, and in return I will ____."
• Depression: "I’m too sad to do anything."
• Acceptance: "I’m at peace with what is going to happen/has happened."

Everyone who loses someone close to them moves through these stages, usually in this order. As a husband or wife who loses a spouse to death confronts the profound feelings of loss, it can help to recognize in which stage you are operating and to know that there can be personal peace at the end of the grieving process.
Recognize that time tends to heal wounds. When we are in the midst of feelings of loss or grief, it can truly seem like the feelings will last forever. But time's passage has a way of healing these feelings. Keeping a sense of hope through the feelings of grief can help a mother or father who has lost his or her spouse make it through each day. 

Lean on your support system. Fortunately for my friends, there were exceptional support systems. They both had large families on both sides on whom they could lean. They had friends also from work who were helpful through the transition.  Big plus they had was the community of faith on whom they leaned emotionally and physically. The ones who find themselves alone after the death of a spouse need to allow others who are close to them into their inner circle of feelings. People who care about you want to help, and you are in a time when you need it perhaps the most. 

Express your feelings. Don't bottle up emotions of grief and sorrow. Sometimes societal expectations make men particularly want to be strong and stoic. Especially if you have children that are grieving with you, you may feel a need to be their "rock." But you will need some time to express your feelings, insecurities and loneliness. Talk to friends, seek counseling, write, cry  whatever the outlet will be, let the feelings be expressed. Repressing them only brings greater challenges later. 

Take care of yourself physically. It will be important for you to eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise. Avoid self-defeating behaviors like turning to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain. Just taking walks with a close friend or family member can make a world of difference in your mood. 

Take your time. Grieving works differently for different people. I cannot write a basic transcript for everyone as everyone experiences these emotions in his or her own way. Do not let others make you feel rushed to get on with your life or move ahead. Move at your pace. Don't make any major decisions that will have life-changing implications through the grief process. 

Today my friends are doing well and their life is moving forward. My friends wife is now back in the work force and busy raising her children. Not yet remarried and not really worried about it, she is again building a new life with new opportunities. All of them have worked through this important life transition, taking different approaches but main part is that it’s working. They gave me the permission on writing about their situation as others might learn something from it. I made the choice of not mentioning any names. I think that nobody gains anything here.

The most important thing for any grieving father or mother to remember is that through the grieving process, there is hope and that with time and effort, life can again be full of happiness and possibilities. All the roads you will take might look new, but most of them have been tried by someone. 

The Old Sailor,

Do you believe there is a God?

Dear Bloggers,

This morning I woke up at five and had a sad kind of feeling over me. My thoughts wandered of again to my younger days. I do not have that many memories left after my accident unless the memories had a very deep impact on my live. But first of all let me do some introducion on the story. This story goes back more than 20 years. My dad had a stable with ponys and those were for rent as it was his hobby many guys and girls helped on a volunteerly base to get the stable going and keep the prices affordable for everyone. Carolien was one of them and she was a good looking young girl who lived during the holidays on a campsite with her family. She had a lot of headaches during the summer period but no one came to the conclusion that there was something wrong inside as she was a happy and cheerful girl. What a shame that she was ripped out of our lives and my God what have these parents gone through.

 My daughter is slowly climbing up to the time of adolescence and it reminds me of these days that I was struggling with hormones, emotions and all other interests in the other sex. But deep inside I was too shy to get involved with these girls. I am not a Don Juan and that was what God had forbidden. I was brought up with religion and I had to go to church during my youth. I stopped believing after one of my dearest friends was killed by a brain tumor and our dear God did nothing to save her. God killed my friend or at the very least stood by doing nothing while she died, while allowing people like surgeon’s who did not recognize this to live on with no regrets.

My friend, we’ll call her Carolien, died this past weekend at the age of 14. She was diagnosed having a severe headache problem but no one thought that it would be a brain tumor, and she could have had every type of surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy possible at that time, but no one came to the idea that she would have a brain tumor. When she collapsed at the volleybal training they rushed her into the operating theatre and tried to remove the tumor or at least to make it smaller. It was to far grown to remove it and it was not good enough to save her. She was sweet, caring, beautiful, and strong; she had recently gotten into high school and had a lifetime worth of goals and dreams ahead of her. Carolien had made plans for her future, and eventually becoming a mother. She volunteered in her community and was kind to everyone she met, regardless of whether she personally liked them. She was active in her church, sharing her many talents with anyone who asked.

Let me now add a disclaimer that I don’t believe in a God – there are a lot of things we don’t understand about the universe, and I don’t pretend to have any answers. But when my friend died, I couldn’t help but wonder how someone who believes in a God can justify what happened to her. It’s the classic question – “why do bad things happen to good people?” See, I understand that religious people generally believe in free will, so sometimes when bad things happen to us it’s a result of some action we took. For instance, if I drove my car to the grocery store while it was snowing and got into an accident injuring myself, it’s reasonable to assume that my choice to go for a drive while the roads were slippery played a role in my injuries. It was my choice, and I paid the consequences, despite how inherently good or bad I might be. I also understand that the definition of “good” or “bad” is going to vary between people.

However, I’m not sure of anyone that would consider an early death, like what Carolien had to endure, a good thing. And I don’t think her brain tumor had anything to do with a choice she made (in contrast to some cancers, like lung, which are often caused by an action like smoking). There was nothing she could have done or put into her body that caused that brain tumor – it was some sort of perverse accident, a deadly combination of genetics and environmental factors beyond her control. So then I ask, if you believe in God, what is your justification for this occurrence? Why did God give Carolien a brain tumor (or allow her to die of a brain tumor) while letting serial rapists live? Why did God allow a tsunami to kill over 200,000 people in 2004, while doing nothing to stop a repeat child-molester? Is it because “God works in mysterious ways”? That response always seemed like a bit of a cop-out – if you don’t know the answer, say so. Did my friend sin, and this was her punishment? I don’t buy that – she wasn’t perfect (no one is), but there are many people in this world far worse. Did God smite her just for his own amusement? Or it is possible, just maybe, that God had nothing to do with any of this – that sometimes life sucks and good people pay the consequence?

If God is loving and all-powerful, then he would have saved my friend. He wouldn’t have let her die before her parents, leaving behind a friend who is now considering with continued attention what goals he has left that didn’t involve a lifetime with her. The world is a worse place today, because Carolien is no longer here to share her love and talents with the rest of us. I wrote this blog in loving memory of my dear friend Carolien may she rest in peace for the love of all.

The Old Sailor,

if grief.......

Dear bloggers,

I just go back to the days of my youth where a couple things came on my way that were less pleasant. At that time I lost my belief in the church or let me say the religius part of it. If there is a god why do these very sad things have to happen..

Let me start at the beginning.
It was half way my time of puberty and I did not have anything to complain about female attention.
This is not because I am a Casanova, but due to the simple fact that my dad had a riding school with horses.
This is working as a magnet on young girls until the boys are entering their lives.



I learned pretty quickly that I was not the ideal picture for all women, and that you had to put in quite a bit of effort to get their attention.
Although it went slowly, every now and then I booked a little success and kissed one of these “dreamgirls”(puppy love).
Anyway being in love is the same feeling all the time.
Butterflies all over the place.
But to much more, it came on a later period in live.
The unbelievable feeling in your stomach and the build up tension made it super special.
And that is pretty tricky if you are not really knowing how to deal with all these feelings.
It is very strange if you are at the beginning of your life, and all of a sudden you get the message that one of these young girls dies of a brain tumor.
Years later you are thinking back about the fact that she was suffering of very painfull headaches.
But nobody came to the conclusion that you could die of this, Not even a single doctor could see that there was something wrong inside her head, and she was just a young flower getting in bloom growing to something beautiful.



And then all of a sudden you are standing there blurred and with mixed up feelings, it felt like part of my body was removed, shocked and as struck by lightning.
I stopped and had no words when I was next to her coffin and saw a family totally shattered by grief.
Young and inexperienced, you are standing there not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do.
Although I was convinced that there are things in life where you did not count on. This was very barbaric of life and I have never understood this.
Days in a row, I have been crying my eyes out and filled with incoprehensible feelings is was trying to find out why.
My mum could only try to comfort me as I was brokenhearted and I had to find myself back.
After a while I had to go on with living, eventhough I had the feeling the world had stopped turning, everything around me had done her normal things.
Still I have trouble to give this a place in my live, although I let it rest more and more.
But like today it pops in my mind again and I have no clue what has triggered it.
I am caught in silent grief again, and my heart is softly crying.
My brain is running on full power and I have to do something to get my thoughts back to something normal.
Also the anger against the religion is coming up again.
Although i have the idea that also this anger will not help anyone and is it God’s fault?
Or is it natures fault?
Who will explain it, as until now nobody really can give a proven theory about our excistence on this planet.
At least the story about the beginning is still a mystery and in life you are not sure of anything.
One thing is a fact for everybody: “The light on the horizon is there for all of us, and one day we will end this life with dying.”

The Old Sailor,