What if you start hating your job?

Dear Bloggers,

Someone I know is having a hard time at the moment as the atmosphere on the workfloor has become less human and more stressful as the chefs only think in digits. This is creating a lot of stress among the co workers as well and slowly she starts hating her job.

I was taught as a young boy to never to use the word “hate”. As there are many other words to choose from. You probably don’t use this word in your house very much either (I hope).

I agree it’s far too strong a word to use when it comes to describing the opposing football team or even a workplace bully.But the reality was for the longest time…

She hates her job, and is afraid to admit it.

If she admits it, would that mean that she’d been wasting her time with all of the energy and hours she has invested in this company?
This question had me concerned, and I discovered that if you hate your job you’re going to burnout.

It’s not a matter of “if”, but “when”.

Also if you hate your job, you’re not fooling anyone. It’s obvious. Hating your job shows up in how you walk into the office, how you answer the phone, and how you participate in meetings.

The easiest way to tell if you hate your job is that it shows up in your language. I had to find some facts about how people think about this issue.

In fact 183 people actually said that on Twitter on Monday before 7 am (I did a Twitter search on “I hate my job”).

Scary, huh?

Most of us don’t actually say it because it feels really uncomfortable.If we’re not actually saying those words it can still show up in more subtle ways like:

• You avoid telling people what you do for a living.
• You never share how your work day went with your family.
• You’ve got worries of impending work doom spinning through your head on Sunday night (dreading Monday mornings).

You can also see it coming if you frequently catch yourself saying, “another day, another dollar” or “I’ve got to go the work today” (instead of “I get to go to work today”).

When you hate your job, you’ll find lots of varied emotions…Each one of the emotions has their own story.
In this case, emotions are predispositions for action.Your emotion comes first and that inspires the action. Imagine if you’re showing up at the office in emotions of resentment, anger, and resignation when you enter the office doors?

The Physical Impact of Hating your Job

When you hate your job it takes a physical toll.The body tension generated from hating your job can lead to all kinds of health related issues. The one that I experienced was an overall tightness at work that started showing up at home and even at being on the push bike.

When you show up this way every day it starts to have a cumulative effect. You can even feel your body cringe when you walk in the door. After awhile you may be slumped at your desk and start finding your muscles tightening especially in your shoulders, hamstrings and lower back. And this is also draining your energy, it makes you extremely tired.
If you’re stuck in this body shape all the time it can tough consequences. This can lead to your body being into a permanent uncomfortable shape of leaning with shoulders forward, a slight bend at the waste, and head down. First of all you need to try to find a way to stop hating your job and if this is not working go find the energy to get an other job.

How do you stop hating your job

The good news is that you can try to stop the job hating and transform your job into one you love. I like to recommend stopping a few things first because that seems to take less energy (versus starting something new).

Here are a few things you can stop doing now to stop hating your job.

Looking Busy

Speak up if you not using your capacity.  The trap can be to get into a job where you using 10% of your capabilities. Often times the corporate environments silently encourages employees to get into a position where they are an expert and know how to do their job.  That’s nice, but sometimes it’s too comfortable and you lose your hunger for creativity and innovation.  You get bored.  You lose your edge.  If you’re using what you can really bring to the table then let someone know and start considering adding something your interested in to your plate.

Hanging around with Co-workers (at least the gripers)
If everyone was complaining about their job at the last happy hour you attended, then stop going with them.  Begin seeking out those people who love their job and go get coffee with them. This has an amazing impact because just as griping is infectious, so is passion!

Bonus Tip *Answer yourself the question “Why?” – Why are you working?  This is the supercharger for all careers. When you connect with the “why” you’re career will take off. You’ll find energy in places you never knew, you’ll wake-up early, and maybe even be disappointed that the work day ends!

The Old Sailor,

The Crash...

Dear Bloggers,

In the last few years, one of my close friends has dealt with the untimely loss of a spouse. I'd like to share this story and what we all have learned about dealing with grief and moving forward at the appropriate time.

My friend was the one who died suddenly of a massive car crash at age 32, leaving a wife and 2 children from 14 and 8. He could not go with them as he needed to finish things at work and he would come later that evening. While he had been feeling poorly that morning he had no easy answers on this feeling, he urged his wife and children to go on a family holiday out of town because they should not loose any of this precious time. Crazy how life can turn around so sudden. When his wife and family returned quickly when they learned of his death and dealt with the funeral, the estate and all the implications of losing their husband and father. 

It would have been very different circumstances if he would have been seriously ill with a sickness, for example cancer then there is most of the time some time left to say goodbye. even though the loss of any wife and mother or husband and father is tragic. The death of a father and husband which was sudden, unexpected and laden with guilt for his dying alone. 

Whatever the circumstances, dealing with the death of a spouse has to be one of the most difficult and traumatic experiences of life. Based on the experiences of others and lots of research, here are some ideas and perspectives that might help.
Try to understand the stages of grief.

• Denial: "This can’t be happening to me."
• Anger: "Why is this happening? Who is to blame?"
• Bargaining: "Make this not happen, and in return I will ____."
• Depression: "I’m too sad to do anything."
• Acceptance: "I’m at peace with what is going to happen/has happened."

Everyone who loses someone close to them moves through these stages, usually in this order. As a husband or wife who loses a spouse to death confronts the profound feelings of loss, it can help to recognize in which stage you are operating and to know that there can be personal peace at the end of the grieving process.
Recognize that time tends to heal wounds. When we are in the midst of feelings of loss or grief, it can truly seem like the feelings will last forever. But time's passage has a way of healing these feelings. Keeping a sense of hope through the feelings of grief can help a mother or father who has lost his or her spouse make it through each day. 

Lean on your support system. Fortunately for my friends, there were exceptional support systems. They both had large families on both sides on whom they could lean. They had friends also from work who were helpful through the transition.  Big plus they had was the community of faith on whom they leaned emotionally and physically. The ones who find themselves alone after the death of a spouse need to allow others who are close to them into their inner circle of feelings. People who care about you want to help, and you are in a time when you need it perhaps the most. 

Express your feelings. Don't bottle up emotions of grief and sorrow. Sometimes societal expectations make men particularly want to be strong and stoic. Especially if you have children that are grieving with you, you may feel a need to be their "rock." But you will need some time to express your feelings, insecurities and loneliness. Talk to friends, seek counseling, write, cry  whatever the outlet will be, let the feelings be expressed. Repressing them only brings greater challenges later. 

Take care of yourself physically. It will be important for you to eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise. Avoid self-defeating behaviors like turning to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain. Just taking walks with a close friend or family member can make a world of difference in your mood. 

Take your time. Grieving works differently for different people. I cannot write a basic transcript for everyone as everyone experiences these emotions in his or her own way. Do not let others make you feel rushed to get on with your life or move ahead. Move at your pace. Don't make any major decisions that will have life-changing implications through the grief process. 

Today my friends are doing well and their life is moving forward. My friends wife is now back in the work force and busy raising her children. Not yet remarried and not really worried about it, she is again building a new life with new opportunities. All of them have worked through this important life transition, taking different approaches but main part is that it’s working. They gave me the permission on writing about their situation as others might learn something from it. I made the choice of not mentioning any names. I think that nobody gains anything here.

The most important thing for any grieving father or mother to remember is that through the grieving process, there is hope and that with time and effort, life can again be full of happiness and possibilities. All the roads you will take might look new, but most of them have been tried by someone. 

The Old Sailor,

Old Sailor on a mission

Dear Bloggers, 

The Old Sailor has become a man on a mission. Since his little girl was diagnosed with a behavior disorder at 8 years of age, together with his wife he has worked tirelessly to get our daughter the best possible intervention. Today we are getting help from some professionals.

You are making a difference just remember this: You are a parent, not a doctor or a scientist.

But, when it comes to your child, you are an expert. You know that little face and whether it lights up when you walk into a room. You know your child's babbling voice and would be the first to notice if it suddenly fell silent. You know how she behaves when she sees a new toy, meets a new child, goes to a birthday party, or visits a shopping mall. You know what makes her cry and what makes her laugh. You've seen children playing in parks and squabbling at family dinners. You've seen her as a baby playing peek-a-boo and playing house. And you wouldn't be a parent if you had not compared your child with other children.

Of course, not every difference is a disorder. Far from it. But if your instincts are telling you something is wrong, that something about your child is quite different from other children or that something essential about your child has changed or become increasingly troubling, your instincts are probably right.You know when something is wrong. Children with anger outburts have parents who are persistently worried about them. So, if you are worried about how your child is reacting and behaving, you should take your worry seriously. It could be a warning sign.Parents have been diagnosing their children from early on. They know it, they feel it. They say it all the time, "I just know something's just not right . . . the way she does this or the way she does that . . ." And they're right, usually.

Some parents whose children are eventually diagnosed with a disorder realize that their children were different as babies. A few notice specific, clear-cut problems; many others have nagging, vague concerns that are harder to express.Other parents see signs accumulate over time or appear suddenly. When doctors ask the right questions, worried parents almost always speak up. And, once their child is diagnosed with a problem, even those parents who do not express their worries at first usually say that they knew "something was wrong." Often they "just burst into tears" when their fears are confirmed.

Still, you may believe that what you know about your child pales in comparison to what seasoned pediatricians, family physicians, and nurse practitioners know about the science of development. If you've taken your child to every routine checkup and gotten a clean bill of health, you may feel that's reassurance enough. Unfortunately, that's not the case. While most health professionals do a good job of assessing physical development and try to measure cognitive growth, far too few know how to assess social and emotional development or how to interpret the early behavioral signs of disorders like for example autism. Some well-meaning doctors ask about these topics, but use the wrong questions. Others rely on their own, too-brief observations. And, unfortunately, far too few children with developmental delays and disorders get the early, intensive help that could put them on a healthier path.

The good news is that you can do something about this. You already know a lot about your child. You are about to learn a lot more about how to assess your child's social and emotional development and how to get prompt help if it's needed. 

The pediatricians take seriously their responsibility to follow a child's development. They are not annoyed or put on the defensive when parents, often armed with questions gleaned from a stack of books or the internet, want to talk about their children's social and emotional development. We were advised to see a specialized group pediatricians and caretakers that are taking tests in a playful way with your child and try to diagnose what the problem might be.
 
We eventually found this more knowledgeable pediatrician. And so can you. Ask other parents and your family physician for recommendations. When you hear of a good prospect, schedule a time to go in and talk with him or her, preferably without your child along. If you choose a practice and later become dissatisfied, try again. This process can be time-consuming, but will be well worthwhile, especially if your child has a problem with behavior. Ideally, you will find a pediatric practice where:

*developmental screening and observation are a routine part of every well-child visit.
*doctors get to know the children under their care. That means that your child usually sees the same physician or nurse practitioner, whether for sick or well visits.
*other staff members are accessible and helpful. Believe me, one helpful receptionist or nurse can make a huge difference should your child need complicated care.

It  all comes down to you. The truth remains that no matter how good your pediatrician is, you are your child's best observer and greatest champion. You are the gatekeeper, the person who stands between your child and the rest of the world, deciding which experiences and people to invite in and which to try to keep out. For parents of typically developing children, being a gatekeeper means choosing the best preschool or the most nurturing nanny. It might mean banning certain TV shows or toys. If that's your situation, you may have to work especially hard to get what your child needs.

For parents whose children turn out to have challenges, being a gatekeeper means all that and much more. It means choosing the people who can best help you and your child to navigate an often uncertain path toward the best possible outcome. It means working with those people to decide what is best for your child, but often making the final decisions yourself. It means becoming a true advocate.
Never forget, you are uniquely qualified. You know more, and care more, about your child than anyone else. All you require is a little more information and a few more skills. So, learn more about why it's so important to act on your concerns and then take action.
Your child is depending on you. 

The Old Sailor,

If behaviour becomes a problem

Dear Bloggers,

Due to the fact that I was busy working Idid not find the time last week to write a blog story, but in the mean time anyway carried on. And I had a progressive talk with my doctor and the schooldoctor about my youngest daughter. As my daughter has outbursts of agression that are destructive to other family members and she is not afraid to use things as a weapon. For example her five year older sister was having an argument with her and was beaten with a stick by her. When I asked her were this is coming from she talks about a voice in her head.

The strange part of it is that it can be triggered by the most ridicilous things that you would  say to her. I told her last week that an event was changed in date due to not enough participants. First of all she was confused about it and then she bursted out in total anger and ripped up a toy totally. You can read in her face that at this moment there is no chance to make any contact to her. This kind of behaviour is very odd to me.

Managing children’s behaviour can seem a Herculean task when they begin to realise how much fun getting into trouble can be as in many cases kids want to have the attention and they will definitely get it. However, parents will often yell themselves hoarse or tear their hair right out of their head, without it making one bit of difference. Rather than simply punishing children, which is often as hard on a parent as it is on a child and more often retributive rather than informative, the doctor told me to consider making a behaviour management plan.

Defining the Problem Behaviours

Before a behaviour management plan can be put into practice, problem behaviours must be identified. Problem behaviours are those that parents would like to see changed because they are inappropriate for the child’s age or stage of development. Problem behaviours can be small annoyances (thumb sucking), embarrassing (public temper tantrums) or even dangerous (hitting, kicking or biting others). Some children will also display a variety of behaviours at the same time, such as yelling, breaking things and kicking others during a temper tantrum. A good behaviour management plan will take into account all of the problem behaviours.

Observe the Problem Behaviours

In addition to knowing which behaviours are problematic, we as parents must also understand why and when these behaviours occur. Observing a child to see if there are any themes in where behaviours occur, if behaviours occur when certain people are or are not around, when behaviours occur and the consequences that these behaviours bring with them will help you to understand how in the best way to target and modify these behaviours in a behaviour management plan.

Set Goals

When behaviours are identified and “understood,” goals should be set for the behaviour management plan. Both short term and long term goals should be delineated so that the plan can be assessed both during and after its use. Short term goals can be daily, weekly or even monthly. Most long term goals should be no longer than one year, and should not seek to eradicate behaviours completely. For example, thumb sucking may die out within a year but it is also a comforting gesture that a child may turn to in a time of high stress after the year is out. This does not mean that the behaviour management plan has failed.

Decide on a Path

When goals have been set, the behaviour management plan must be fleshed out. Deciding how to manage or modify behaviours is key. Will it be through positive reinforcement, negative consequences or a combination of both? What will the positive reinforcements be? (together with my daughter we have decided that we mark on the calender her behaviour and a week of no trouble means a new book as she loves to read.) What methods of discipline will be used as negative consequences? (this means been send to the staircase and sit there for a while to think about what you have done, this method we have been using from the beginning.) How long will these decisions stand before they must be reviewed? These are all questions that should be considered when a behaviour management plan is being devised. Professional educators and child development experts will likely be able to help, if needed.

Get Started

When a behavioural management plan is complete, it does no one any good unless it is put into practice. Explain decisions to the child, so that she understands that from now on the target behaviour is unacceptable and there will be consequences if it does occur. If possible, start the plan on a Sunday or a Monday so that each week brings a clean slate. Be sure to celebrate major milestones throughout the plan (weekly and monthly “anniversaries”) and don’t be afraid to have a celebration for ultimate success. This week she finally succeeded and earned her first book. That means that we finally have booked some succes but at least there is hope.

The Old Sailor,