Trying hard to win the war within yourself

Dear Bloggers,

My wife is going through some traumatic times as she is emotional abused for almost three years in a row by two psychopathic and narcissistic persons (managers) that did everything to bring employees down that didn't fit into their profile. The company gives them a lot of freedom and it is a very sick atmosphere. A lot of former employees signed for their resignation and got a few months pay so they agreed to keep their mouth shut. My wife wasn't in the flow for leaving the company as she enjoyed what she was doing and this was against all the expectations of her manager. He was not amused with the fact that she was putting up so much resistance to keep her job. 

She kept up the fight for three years and dragged herself to work everyday. I pulled the plug in February of 2014 and she was tired and mentally so beaten up. In the last two years we have been trying to get her back on her feet with psychological help and psychiatric assistance. She has been checked on a medical scale by a neurologist and she was tested on defects by a neuro psychologist, lucky enough that there is no damage found in the brain. She is diagnosed with Complex PTSD with a panic and a anxiety disorder. Our wonderful future has been destroyed by two bastards that should be held responsible. 
 
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is mostly associated with soldiers returning from war. After the horrors witnessed in such an unnatural setting, many wo/men have a difficult time returning to “normal” life, often suffering from flashbacks, panic attacks, and severe anxiety.

Contrary to popular misconceptions, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Acute Stress Disorder (or Reaction) are not typical responses to prolonged abuse. They are the outcomes of sudden exposure to severe or extreme stressors (stressful events). Yet, some victims whose life or body have been directly and unequivocally threatened by an abuser react by developing these syndromes. PTSD is, therefore, typically associated with the aftermath of physical and sexual abuse in both children and adults.

Any traumatic event can trigger it. Rape, assault, acts of physical or verbal violence, even repeated emotional abuse or the sudden split of a significant relationship, especially if abuse was involved.

Repeated abuse has long lasting pernicious and traumatic effects such as panic attacks, hyper vigilance, sleep disturbances, flashbacks (intrusive memories), suicidal ideation, and psychosomatic symptoms. The victims experience shame, depression, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, and an enhanced sense of vulnerability.

My wife is rather ashamed to admit that she has experienced them all. These last few weeks have made me realize just how deep the managers have traumatized me, she said. It was my husband who noticed, actually. He said that I was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD, and he was right. How embarrassing to be experiencing PTSD because of such a short-lived work-relationship. But all of a sudden there it is.

However, this reaction doesn’t reflect her or her ability to cope with it, as much as it speaks to the depth of the abuse. The depth of the trauma caused by emotional, cruel verbal, and even narcissistic pressure abuse, not to mention the sudden change in her personality and subsequent abandonment.

The first phase of PTSD involves incapacitating and overwhelming fear. The victim feels like she has been thrust into a nightmare or a horror movie. She is rendered helpless by her own terror. She keeps re-living the experiences through recurrent and intrusive visual and auditory hallucinations (“flashbacks”) or dreams. In some flashbacks, the victim completely lapses into a dissociative state and physically re-enacts the event while being thoroughly oblivious to her whereabouts.

In an attempt to suppress this constant playback and the attendant exaggerated startle response, the victim tries to avoid all stimuli associated, however indirectly, with the traumatic event. Many develop full-scale phobias (agoraphobia, claustrophobia, fear of heights, aversion to specific animals, objects, modes of transportation, neighbourhoods, buildings, occupations, weather, and so on). My wife has somethings the other way round for example she has no more fear of heights and isn't afraid of spiders anymore. Strange how the brain works

Her fear has been so great, that an email from him throws me into a panic attack, knowing that it just contains more pain. She doesn’t read them when they come in. In fact, she does not longer know if they are coming in or not, thanks to email filters that just delete them before we will even see them.
Thank goodness for technology.

Emotional abuse, like gaslighting as well as so many other insidious forms, is hard to recognize and even harder to prove. Let me first of all explain the gaslighting effect: “Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from. That’s because it plays into one of our worst fears – of being abandoned – and many of our deepest needs: to be understood, appreciated, and loved. The abuser is usually a very insecure person. He has a need to put others down in an attempt to make himself feel better. He must be seen as right at all times.” Often, the only indication that your partner is causing emotional damage is to trust yourself and how you feel.

• Are you asking yourself if you’re crazy?
• Are you questioning reality?
• Do you feel blamed for everything in the relationship?
• Do you feel unsafe to talk with your partner about anything? 
  
  
  
   
  

Certainly not all charming people are predators or abusive, but it is something of which to take note, especially if they are particularly charming. Please, please look closer, or perhaps, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Find out about their past relationships. How many? How did they end? Do they take responsibility for their actions? Their words? Are they relatively consistent in their words/actions?
indication: They don’t take responsibility for their own actions.
Please believe me when I say that these actions are insidious. I mean it. They are so subtle and often covered up by grand gestures of love and excessive affection. It is very intoxicating and convincing, but beneath it all there might be a constant assault on your sense of self through gaslighting and other forms of covert abuse.

The first step is recognizing abuse as abuse. One very surprising thing I learned about this over the past few weeks is that some types of emotional abuse feel like love. Another reason the trauma is so deep: it’s not just the damage , but it is unhealed damage from a lifetime of emotional abuse.

Research PTSD and Emotional Abuse. If you are exhibiting any of the signs, you might be trapped in a betrayal or trauma bond with the abuser. This makes it even harder to get away and heal.

Let us all learn how to protect ourselves from such people, for in this society, there is no other recourse. No way to prove it. No way to make them accountable for the damage they cause. Our only hope of defense against this type of abuse is to recognize the danger early, reinforce our armor, and get away before a trauma bond can be created. Slowly we start with counseling. To me it’s an interesting one, and it might be helpful to you, reading this blog, as it shows how one is in so much denial at first because of the shock and disbelieve, and how, if you commit to healing, you can uncover some pretty horrific things and extensive PTSD.

My wife quotes: “I might never be working again and damaged for life. Still, I’d rather know, accept, and heal than to fall into the same trap with another predator”.
Let's hope the future brings better times.



The Old Sailor,

Old Sailor on a mission

Dear Bloggers, 

The Old Sailor has become a man on a mission. Since his little girl was diagnosed with a behavior disorder at 8 years of age, together with his wife he has worked tirelessly to get our daughter the best possible intervention. Today we are getting help from some professionals.

You are making a difference just remember this: You are a parent, not a doctor or a scientist.

But, when it comes to your child, you are an expert. You know that little face and whether it lights up when you walk into a room. You know your child's babbling voice and would be the first to notice if it suddenly fell silent. You know how she behaves when she sees a new toy, meets a new child, goes to a birthday party, or visits a shopping mall. You know what makes her cry and what makes her laugh. You've seen children playing in parks and squabbling at family dinners. You've seen her as a baby playing peek-a-boo and playing house. And you wouldn't be a parent if you had not compared your child with other children.

Of course, not every difference is a disorder. Far from it. But if your instincts are telling you something is wrong, that something about your child is quite different from other children or that something essential about your child has changed or become increasingly troubling, your instincts are probably right.You know when something is wrong. Children with anger outburts have parents who are persistently worried about them. So, if you are worried about how your child is reacting and behaving, you should take your worry seriously. It could be a warning sign.Parents have been diagnosing their children from early on. They know it, they feel it. They say it all the time, "I just know something's just not right . . . the way she does this or the way she does that . . ." And they're right, usually.

Some parents whose children are eventually diagnosed with a disorder realize that their children were different as babies. A few notice specific, clear-cut problems; many others have nagging, vague concerns that are harder to express.Other parents see signs accumulate over time or appear suddenly. When doctors ask the right questions, worried parents almost always speak up. And, once their child is diagnosed with a problem, even those parents who do not express their worries at first usually say that they knew "something was wrong." Often they "just burst into tears" when their fears are confirmed.

Still, you may believe that what you know about your child pales in comparison to what seasoned pediatricians, family physicians, and nurse practitioners know about the science of development. If you've taken your child to every routine checkup and gotten a clean bill of health, you may feel that's reassurance enough. Unfortunately, that's not the case. While most health professionals do a good job of assessing physical development and try to measure cognitive growth, far too few know how to assess social and emotional development or how to interpret the early behavioral signs of disorders like for example autism. Some well-meaning doctors ask about these topics, but use the wrong questions. Others rely on their own, too-brief observations. And, unfortunately, far too few children with developmental delays and disorders get the early, intensive help that could put them on a healthier path.

The good news is that you can do something about this. You already know a lot about your child. You are about to learn a lot more about how to assess your child's social and emotional development and how to get prompt help if it's needed. 

The pediatricians take seriously their responsibility to follow a child's development. They are not annoyed or put on the defensive when parents, often armed with questions gleaned from a stack of books or the internet, want to talk about their children's social and emotional development. We were advised to see a specialized group pediatricians and caretakers that are taking tests in a playful way with your child and try to diagnose what the problem might be.
 
We eventually found this more knowledgeable pediatrician. And so can you. Ask other parents and your family physician for recommendations. When you hear of a good prospect, schedule a time to go in and talk with him or her, preferably without your child along. If you choose a practice and later become dissatisfied, try again. This process can be time-consuming, but will be well worthwhile, especially if your child has a problem with behavior. Ideally, you will find a pediatric practice where:

*developmental screening and observation are a routine part of every well-child visit.
*doctors get to know the children under their care. That means that your child usually sees the same physician or nurse practitioner, whether for sick or well visits.
*other staff members are accessible and helpful. Believe me, one helpful receptionist or nurse can make a huge difference should your child need complicated care.

It  all comes down to you. The truth remains that no matter how good your pediatrician is, you are your child's best observer and greatest champion. You are the gatekeeper, the person who stands between your child and the rest of the world, deciding which experiences and people to invite in and which to try to keep out. For parents of typically developing children, being a gatekeeper means choosing the best preschool or the most nurturing nanny. It might mean banning certain TV shows or toys. If that's your situation, you may have to work especially hard to get what your child needs.

For parents whose children turn out to have challenges, being a gatekeeper means all that and much more. It means choosing the people who can best help you and your child to navigate an often uncertain path toward the best possible outcome. It means working with those people to decide what is best for your child, but often making the final decisions yourself. It means becoming a true advocate.
Never forget, you are uniquely qualified. You know more, and care more, about your child than anyone else. All you require is a little more information and a few more skills. So, learn more about why it's so important to act on your concerns and then take action.
Your child is depending on you. 

The Old Sailor,

Trying not to lose your child

Dear Bloggers,


Last week we went to the doctors office to find out what is the point in the behavior of our youngest daughter. She goes through stages with outbursts of anger and on the other hand she can be totally from the planet when she is watching TV or is on the computer. The symptoms of a deficit disorder can present parents with many challenges. Kids with a disorder “often lose track of their daily things, have difficulty staying on top of homework and seem generally scattered when attending to chores or assigned tasks”. Impulsivity is another challenge, which can lead kids to be defiant or to argue. An other good example is when you go shopping they might see something and disappear all of a sudden as they are atracted by something much more interresting.They tend to easily get overstimulated and they overreact to frustration or failure.

I would say that some kids with these kind of disorders are easier triggered and will get themselves in to trouble as they have quicker a fight-or-flight reaction to stress,” which can make enforcing rules difficult for parents. Most parents may have a tough time knowing how to provide structure without pressure.

“Children know what to do but they don’t do what they know,” This is the tricky part to make things clear to the child what is right and what is wrong. Consequently, parents might not know when to be firm and when to be patient.

Fortunately, while there are many challenges that come with raising kids with a disorder in behaviour there are also effective strategies and rewards that can be used.

The importance of staying calm. Once the parent is out of control, the child’s anger becomes even more escalated, assuring that the interaction will result in a non-productive outcome.” So pay attention to yourself if you have a tendency toward behaviors like reactivity. Arguing with your child won’t get you anywhere. Take home chores like clearing their room, for instance an activity that can feel like a tug-of-war. Arguing simply creates “a diversion that delays home chores even longer. Instead, Diffuse, don’t engage. For example “Say, ‘I understand this is no fun for you,’ followed by silence, positive expectancy and a loving touch on the shoulder. The wrong move here would be saying, “Oh why don’t you stop complaining. You’re dawdling over nothing.”

If you want to make a difference start with yourself and set limits on your own behavior. If you’re inclined to be a worried, rescuing parent, remind yourself that the more you do for your child, the less he does for himself. The key is to support, but don’t get into the driver’s seat. If you’d still like to keep an eye on your child, sit close by, but bring your own work to the table for example pay your bills or balance your checkbook.

Structure involves star charts for young children, calendars and planners for older ones, and clear rules and sensible routines, especially at bedtime. Structure helps reduce disorganization and distractibility. As such, set a consistent time to do home chores, with certain privileges only available to the child after they’ve successfully completed their assignments. For example playing a game together.

So what does pressure-free structure look like? It includes “not using threats or unreasonable deadlines and punishments that contribute to hostility, fear or drama.

Give your kids the chance to make wise choices. To help teach kids self-control. Parents must provide ample opportunities for children to be faced with choices of how to respond. I would suggest using a technique called structured choice, which gives your child two choices that steer him or her in the right direction. For example, parents might ask: Do you want to do your or your next? or Before we can go, your room needs to be picked up. Do you want to start with the clothes on the bed or clear the top of your desk?

Use reasonable consequences for rule-breaking. As a start ask the child what the consequences should be if he or she breaks a rule. This helps kids create commitments that they can actually own. In addition, create and consistently enforce positive consequences for positive behaviors and negative consequences for negative behaviors. This helps your child to recognize that positive behaviors result in positive consequences, and negative behaviors result in negative ones.

Expect rule-breaking, and don’t take it personally. It’s in your child’s “job description” to occasionally break the rules. When your child breaks the rules, “…correct him the way a police officer gives you a ticket. He doesn’t take it personally or groan or yell, ‘I can’t believe you did that again! Why do you do this to me?’ Like the officer, be respectful, consistent, and matter-of-fact.”

Certain accommodations might be necessary for your child because of his or her disorder. However, you still want to encourage kids to cultivate their abilities. An example of finding this tricky balance: “… stand up for his or her right for an accommodation like talking books, but encourage and expect him or her to learn to read fluently, giving him or her time, attention, a tutor, and most especially, your belief that he or she can.”

Avoid muting a headstrong child. One of the mistakes parents can make is “Trying to turn a spirited, willful child into one that never questions authority and accepts all that is said ‘just because I said so’ as a parent.”

Instead, I would suggest that parents “ accept that some children will protest and talk back, and parents must set a limit that on the one hand realizes that children need at least some way to express their frustration, while still enforcing reasonable standards and rules.”

Realize that your child isn’t misbehaving on purpose. Parents of kids with behavior disorders “subconsciously make error assumptions about why their child is misbehaving”.

In reality children are very goal-directed and do what they do with the hope of obtaining an outcome they seek, which usually pertains to something they want to do or get, or something they are trying to avoid (like chores, home work or bed time).

Being persistent is crucial. Kids with behavior disorders may “require more trials and exposure to consistent consequences in order to learn from that experience.” Trying a technique one or two times with no results doesn’t mean that it’s completely ineffective. You just might have to keep trying. Every concern can’t be fixed at once. So it’s important for parents “to prioritize what situations seem most important, and start with those, temporarily letting go of the less important problems.”

Educate yourself about the disorder and attention. Knowing how symptoms affect your child is essential. You might think that your child is being stubborn or behaving a certain way on purpose. The other important part is educating yourself about attention and learning when your child is at his or her peak of productivity. Consider the following scenario: Your child won’t finish her homework, so you firmly tell her that she’s grounded if she doesn’t “buckle down right now.” Instead, though, she has a meltdown. The problem? Her arousal level was too high. “Deep down, she was scared to put something on the paper, because she anticipated it wasn’t going to be good enough — too sloppy, poor spelling, not as polished as her siblings’ or his classmates’ work.” The heightened arousal caused her to feel overwhelmed, so she needed less adrenaline to focus on her task.

Knowing when your child can concentrate best helps you chunk assignments into manageable steps, suggest breaks to decrease tension, alternate interesting and boring tasks, and keep its adrenaline-based brain chemicals pumping with a steady stream of just the right amount of stimulation.

It all comes down on helping your child adjust to change. Children with behavior disorders have a difficult time with “set-shifting,” a brain function that involves adjusting to change or switching cognitive processes, especially if they’re hyper-focused on an activity. I emphasize the importance of giving your child,no matter how busy you are the time and information he needs to mentally adjust for big changes such as vacations, guests or a new babysitter and small changes such as stopping one activity to begin the next, especially when what’s next is getting ready for bed. For instance, when you get back from vacation, the night before, review your child’s routine with him or her.

Focus on your child’s strengths and positive behavior. Instead of harping on what your child can’t do, hone in on what they can. Keep reminding yourself about your child’s resourcefulness, creativity and individuality. The same self-determination and intractability that drives you nuts today will empower your child tomorrow. Picture her as a tireless entrepreneur, attorney, or doing any work she feels passionate about. It’s best for parents to try to strike a balance. “Don’t deny your childs special needs, and don’t define him or her by them, either.”

Cut yourself some slack. Raising a child with a disorder whose symptoms include impulsivity, defiance and limited self-control is one of the most challenging tasks any person will ever attempt. So acknowledge that you’re working hard, and “Do not feel like a failure. You did not cause your child to behave this way, but you can make a difference.” At least that is what I think. Celebrate being a parent and being with your child. Parenting kids with behavior disorders can feel like a frustrating and sometimes unfeasible task. But “Don’t let behavior disorders rob you of the joy of being a parent.” When parents are at their wits’ end, they can do a few things to help. For instance, I suggest to you as a parent “cradle your arms and remember what it felt like when your child was just born.”

If you’re“correcting your child too much, turn your ring or put your wristwatch on your other hand, and don’t put it back the right way until you’ve thought of and said something positive or caught your child being good. Some children are focussed on details and will notice this as a warning sign.

I hope that some of you can use some of these suggestions to help your child. Because there is nothing more beautiful then a happy parent with a happy child.

The Old Sailor,