My way of dealing with a burn out

Dear Bloggers,

My wife is suffering from a burn out and we are working slowly on her recovery. Let me tell you it is a long way but here I have some tips to make your life a bit easier. Whenever in doubt, humans all across this huge, people-filled planet resort to bending out of shape instead of empowering ourselves to get up and pick ourselves up! Although it is not very healthy for you, it's just what we do! Men and women all alike do this, too, so you have nothing to be ashamed of. Now, you have the power to conquer emotions and inner negativity! This guide will suggest ways in which you gain control of your life again. I got my life back in order, and you can get yours back too.

Steps

Get rid of the negativity in your life. Put family and friends which bring too much negativity toward you on freeze for now. Don't start any trouble with them, but be less reliant on them. Also, cut back on negativity yourself! Whenever you think something negative, say to yourself, "That's negative and unnecessary." Keep saying that to yourself until your brain stops completely.

Cut back on unnecessary activities to free up time. Any activity that does not produce a tangible result or lead you to success you can put on freeze. For example, cutting back on a movie or going on the computer to go on aim half as often would suffice. But be careful about choosing which things in your life are important to you and which are not. To avoid common errors, first make a list of things (on paper!) that you normally do on a daily and/or weekly basis and put how much time you spend on each activity. Then, take the items on that list and lightly cross off the things that are useless in your life and you spend too much time on. For example, if you watch TV for 5 hours a day, you're definitely wasting some time in your life. If it has something to do with another person, specifically family, do not cross it off as doing this could affect the other person badly. Next, look at all of the things you crossed off and then at the things you still have on your other list. Does this seem reasonable? Could you live without the things you crossed out? Our main goal is to get you to stop spending too much time on useless things.

Create a weekly goal list using three colors.

·      A black priority would be something that has to be done at a certain date and time, without any exceptions.

·      A red priority would be something that has to be done by the end of the day.

·      An orange priority would be something that has to be done within less than one-seven hours. Don't look past 7 days until the priorities are met.

Buy a few hundred index cards, or 2-3 packs. Keep at least a half of a pack with you at all times. They are valuable in social events and allow you to capture ideas onto paper, so you will never forget anything. Knowing that all of your problems are in your pocket will take away stress because you can stop thinking about them and start thinking about other important things.

Organize most of your computer files into 5-15 folders to make sure you have your digital priorities straight. Example folders: Work, School, Research/Reading, Personal Writings, Weekly Goals, Music, Photos, Reminders. Also important to get your mailbox in order there are a lot of unnecessary items in your inbox

Write down 10 strengths you have and how you can use them to your advantage. Write down 10 weaknesses you have and how you can improve them. Try to improve yourself a little bit everyday but at the same time keep this quote in mind: "Complete perfection is bliss, but when perfection is met with humanity, it's useless." Never use the word "perfect." Use "improved" instead. The process of improvement is slow, but if you try to improve yourself everyday, in 6 months, the next list you write will be very different.

Build self-esteem. Don't compare yourself to other people and do not limit yourself to the standards of the consensus. To a certain extent, forget judgmental strangers and give yourself enough room to grow.

Real Self Confidence and Esteem is based in emotion, not a self-image
to build self-confidence and overcome low self-esteem is to change how we feel emotionally about ourselves. To change our emotion requires changing two different core beliefs about self-image. The first core belief is obvious. It is the belief that we are not good enough. It may have a more specific association to how we look, how smart we are, money, or lack of confidence sexually. The second core belief to change is the image of success that we feel we should be. Changing this belief is contrary to logic, but is a must if we are to overcome insecurity and raise our self-esteem.  

False Self Image of Perfection Cause of Low Self Esteem and Lack of Confidence
When your mind has an image of success that you "should be" it associates happy emotions with that picture. I call that the image of perfection in our mind. The mind does a comparison between the image of perfection and how you see your self-image currently. The comparison results in judgment and self-rejection for not meeting the image of perfection. The self-rejection results in feeling unworthy and of low self esteem

While the image of perfection appears to be a way for us to feel good about ourselves, it is actually causing us to reject ourselves which creates feelings of "not being good enough." If you were to dissolve the belief that you should fit into the image of perfection you would eliminate the self-rejection and feelings of unworthiness that result.

Finding and breaking my own “I’m not good enough story.”

Feelings of confidence and security mean no self-rejection.
The approach of dissolving our image of perfection sounds contrary to our sense of logic about building confidence and esteem. This is because we have the belief that achieving the image of perfection will result in positive happy emotions and feeling confident with our success. Our mind has actually been programmed to have these emotional associations. We desire to feel these feelings and chase the image of perfection we have attached to them.

What we may not be aware of is that achieving our image of success doesn’t effectively change our emotional state. It doesn't do anything to permanently change the way the voice in our head speaks to us or what we believe about ourselves. Many times people have achieved their goals only to find themselves still unfulfilled. Your emotional state may briefly change in the euphoria if the immediate success. But the core belief of not being good enough and your long term habit of self-rejection in the mind hasn’t been altered. The critical voice in our head is more likely to put a higher goal in front of us to achieve. It’s okay to have high goals, but you don’t have to make your love and self-acceptance dependent on them.

Change What You Believe and You Change How You Feel Emotionally
The second belief to dissolve is that we are inadequate and somehow not good enough. These are the beliefs that create emotions of insecurity and fear. The emotions are not the problem they are just the resulting symptom of negative core beliefs. The "not good enough" image is a construct of our imagination. It is a belief about ourselves created by the mind concluding that we are "not good enough to meet the image of perfection." A step to changing this belief is to recognize that we the one observing the "self" image. We cannot be the “self” image we are looking at. We are the one doing the looking. This means the “self-image we create is really a “non self” image. With awareness we can decide to believe in the “non self” image or not believe in the “non self” image. Having this awareness helps shift our point of view and is a beginning step that will help us change a belief.

Changing the “not good enough” image is much easier once you have broken your belief in the image of perfection. Without the image of perfection you no longer have the comparison reinforcing the unworthy "self” image.

Make physical changes to remind yourself that you are a new person. A haircut and new clothing would suffice. Also, cleanse yourself spiritually and mentally to begin a lasting new lifestyle. Meditation is a good way to do this.

Breaking down The Elements: Setting Your Head Right

There are some general points to consider to set your expectations of change correctly.

1.                  I can get better at this.

2.                  The journey, not the destination.

3.                  Don’t pretend you have a different life.

4.                  Start now.

5.                  Expect disruption.

6.                  Expect failure.

7.                  Remove guilt.

8.                  Be patient.

9.                  Live through the seasons.

10.              You are Superman/ woman.

I can get better at this.

This is the fundamental belief you need to start changing. It’s not the same as thinking – “I can change” – which might actually work against you. It’s the mindset that whatever you’re going for, the goal is progress, not perfection.

The journey, not the destination.

When people think about change, they think about intervention.

You’ll eat less, lose 15 kilos, then that’s the end of it.

But it doesn’t happen like that, because change is a constant process. You’re always going to be changing something. And when you get done with changing one thing, there’s going to be something else that emerges, some other change that you’ll need to work on. Expecting this up front saves a lot of disappointment down the track.

Don’t pretend you have a different life.

This ties in to the earlier point – whatever you’re struggling with today – making a decision to change it doesn’t remove any of the elements in your life that make that thing a struggle today. You are always going to revert to the mean when it comes to motivation or optimism and you can’t expect that to change.

Picture yourself making changes in the course of normal life, not in some idealized world in which you have more time, energy and motivation. That place doesn’t exist.

As I would say: “Your future self doesn’t exist. As long as there is no future you. All that exists is a series of present selves, all shirking responsibility and assuming versions of themselves that don’t exist will solve their problems. “Start now.

Equally, the best time to start the process was yesterday. The next best time is now. It won’t be easier after your vacation, or when you move to the new house, or when you get the new job… it will be just as hard and you will have less time to make the change.

So start now, no matter how inconvenient the circumstances might be.

Expect disruption.

Every month, you should expect that 1 in every 4 days will be impacted by sickness, injury, travel for work, personal travel, or an intervening event like a hangover, a soccer championship, a wedding or a hen’s night.

The most under-rated change skill you can develop is the ability to plan in and around those constraints.

Expect failure.

You have to be ready to fail multiple times as you try to make something stick. Failing isn’t a sign to stop; it’s a sign to try again. This time with more information about what works and what doesn’t.

That’s not how it works when it comes to change. In changing, you will encounter so much ‘do not’ that the only thing that matters is ‘try’.

Remove guilt.

Remove the guilt from change. If you fail, start again. Guilt and shame are HUGE wastes of energy. Remove all your negative emotions around change, forget all past failures and just try again. Every other approach is inefficient.

Be patient.

You will grossly overestimate your ability to change. Really. You want to underestimate and then over deliver. Not the reverse.

That’s a really good proxy for how most change happens. It takes much longer than we want to admit.

Live through the seasons.

Your changes will come in seasons. It’s rare they’ll last for more than 3 months without starting to feel stale… So you’ll want to keep this in mind you’re not changing forever, just for a short time and then you will get focused on something else.

Note, this isn’t the case for the ones that are fully breaking down and who are too stubborn to change they will fall back into bad habits and old addictions like smoking and drinking.

\You are Superman or woman.

You are Superman. You have endless lives. You get reborn every time you decide to try again. So don’t be afraid to try and fail.

 The Old Sailor,

Trying not to lose your child

Dear Bloggers,


Last week we went to the doctors office to find out what is the point in the behavior of our youngest daughter. She goes through stages with outbursts of anger and on the other hand she can be totally from the planet when she is watching TV or is on the computer. The symptoms of a deficit disorder can present parents with many challenges. Kids with a disorder “often lose track of their daily things, have difficulty staying on top of homework and seem generally scattered when attending to chores or assigned tasks”. Impulsivity is another challenge, which can lead kids to be defiant or to argue. An other good example is when you go shopping they might see something and disappear all of a sudden as they are atracted by something much more interresting.They tend to easily get overstimulated and they overreact to frustration or failure.

I would say that some kids with these kind of disorders are easier triggered and will get themselves in to trouble as they have quicker a fight-or-flight reaction to stress,” which can make enforcing rules difficult for parents. Most parents may have a tough time knowing how to provide structure without pressure.

“Children know what to do but they don’t do what they know,” This is the tricky part to make things clear to the child what is right and what is wrong. Consequently, parents might not know when to be firm and when to be patient.

Fortunately, while there are many challenges that come with raising kids with a disorder in behaviour there are also effective strategies and rewards that can be used.

The importance of staying calm. Once the parent is out of control, the child’s anger becomes even more escalated, assuring that the interaction will result in a non-productive outcome.” So pay attention to yourself if you have a tendency toward behaviors like reactivity. Arguing with your child won’t get you anywhere. Take home chores like clearing their room, for instance an activity that can feel like a tug-of-war. Arguing simply creates “a diversion that delays home chores even longer. Instead, Diffuse, don’t engage. For example “Say, ‘I understand this is no fun for you,’ followed by silence, positive expectancy and a loving touch on the shoulder. The wrong move here would be saying, “Oh why don’t you stop complaining. You’re dawdling over nothing.”

If you want to make a difference start with yourself and set limits on your own behavior. If you’re inclined to be a worried, rescuing parent, remind yourself that the more you do for your child, the less he does for himself. The key is to support, but don’t get into the driver’s seat. If you’d still like to keep an eye on your child, sit close by, but bring your own work to the table for example pay your bills or balance your checkbook.

Structure involves star charts for young children, calendars and planners for older ones, and clear rules and sensible routines, especially at bedtime. Structure helps reduce disorganization and distractibility. As such, set a consistent time to do home chores, with certain privileges only available to the child after they’ve successfully completed their assignments. For example playing a game together.

So what does pressure-free structure look like? It includes “not using threats or unreasonable deadlines and punishments that contribute to hostility, fear or drama.

Give your kids the chance to make wise choices. To help teach kids self-control. Parents must provide ample opportunities for children to be faced with choices of how to respond. I would suggest using a technique called structured choice, which gives your child two choices that steer him or her in the right direction. For example, parents might ask: Do you want to do your or your next? or Before we can go, your room needs to be picked up. Do you want to start with the clothes on the bed or clear the top of your desk?

Use reasonable consequences for rule-breaking. As a start ask the child what the consequences should be if he or she breaks a rule. This helps kids create commitments that they can actually own. In addition, create and consistently enforce positive consequences for positive behaviors and negative consequences for negative behaviors. This helps your child to recognize that positive behaviors result in positive consequences, and negative behaviors result in negative ones.

Expect rule-breaking, and don’t take it personally. It’s in your child’s “job description” to occasionally break the rules. When your child breaks the rules, “…correct him the way a police officer gives you a ticket. He doesn’t take it personally or groan or yell, ‘I can’t believe you did that again! Why do you do this to me?’ Like the officer, be respectful, consistent, and matter-of-fact.”

Certain accommodations might be necessary for your child because of his or her disorder. However, you still want to encourage kids to cultivate their abilities. An example of finding this tricky balance: “… stand up for his or her right for an accommodation like talking books, but encourage and expect him or her to learn to read fluently, giving him or her time, attention, a tutor, and most especially, your belief that he or she can.”

Avoid muting a headstrong child. One of the mistakes parents can make is “Trying to turn a spirited, willful child into one that never questions authority and accepts all that is said ‘just because I said so’ as a parent.”

Instead, I would suggest that parents “ accept that some children will protest and talk back, and parents must set a limit that on the one hand realizes that children need at least some way to express their frustration, while still enforcing reasonable standards and rules.”

Realize that your child isn’t misbehaving on purpose. Parents of kids with behavior disorders “subconsciously make error assumptions about why their child is misbehaving”.

In reality children are very goal-directed and do what they do with the hope of obtaining an outcome they seek, which usually pertains to something they want to do or get, or something they are trying to avoid (like chores, home work or bed time).

Being persistent is crucial. Kids with behavior disorders may “require more trials and exposure to consistent consequences in order to learn from that experience.” Trying a technique one or two times with no results doesn’t mean that it’s completely ineffective. You just might have to keep trying. Every concern can’t be fixed at once. So it’s important for parents “to prioritize what situations seem most important, and start with those, temporarily letting go of the less important problems.”

Educate yourself about the disorder and attention. Knowing how symptoms affect your child is essential. You might think that your child is being stubborn or behaving a certain way on purpose. The other important part is educating yourself about attention and learning when your child is at his or her peak of productivity. Consider the following scenario: Your child won’t finish her homework, so you firmly tell her that she’s grounded if she doesn’t “buckle down right now.” Instead, though, she has a meltdown. The problem? Her arousal level was too high. “Deep down, she was scared to put something on the paper, because she anticipated it wasn’t going to be good enough — too sloppy, poor spelling, not as polished as her siblings’ or his classmates’ work.” The heightened arousal caused her to feel overwhelmed, so she needed less adrenaline to focus on her task.

Knowing when your child can concentrate best helps you chunk assignments into manageable steps, suggest breaks to decrease tension, alternate interesting and boring tasks, and keep its adrenaline-based brain chemicals pumping with a steady stream of just the right amount of stimulation.

It all comes down on helping your child adjust to change. Children with behavior disorders have a difficult time with “set-shifting,” a brain function that involves adjusting to change or switching cognitive processes, especially if they’re hyper-focused on an activity. I emphasize the importance of giving your child,no matter how busy you are the time and information he needs to mentally adjust for big changes such as vacations, guests or a new babysitter and small changes such as stopping one activity to begin the next, especially when what’s next is getting ready for bed. For instance, when you get back from vacation, the night before, review your child’s routine with him or her.

Focus on your child’s strengths and positive behavior. Instead of harping on what your child can’t do, hone in on what they can. Keep reminding yourself about your child’s resourcefulness, creativity and individuality. The same self-determination and intractability that drives you nuts today will empower your child tomorrow. Picture her as a tireless entrepreneur, attorney, or doing any work she feels passionate about. It’s best for parents to try to strike a balance. “Don’t deny your childs special needs, and don’t define him or her by them, either.”

Cut yourself some slack. Raising a child with a disorder whose symptoms include impulsivity, defiance and limited self-control is one of the most challenging tasks any person will ever attempt. So acknowledge that you’re working hard, and “Do not feel like a failure. You did not cause your child to behave this way, but you can make a difference.” At least that is what I think. Celebrate being a parent and being with your child. Parenting kids with behavior disorders can feel like a frustrating and sometimes unfeasible task. But “Don’t let behavior disorders rob you of the joy of being a parent.” When parents are at their wits’ end, they can do a few things to help. For instance, I suggest to you as a parent “cradle your arms and remember what it felt like when your child was just born.”

If you’re“correcting your child too much, turn your ring or put your wristwatch on your other hand, and don’t put it back the right way until you’ve thought of and said something positive or caught your child being good. Some children are focussed on details and will notice this as a warning sign.

I hope that some of you can use some of these suggestions to help your child. Because there is nothing more beautiful then a happy parent with a happy child.

The Old Sailor,

Bus kills young woman cyclist

Dear Bloggers,

It may be a horrible coincidence but the situation with the Bus Companies around the North of the Netherlands has been a mess for many months now - "an accident waiting to happen" as one of the news sites flashed yesterday - and on Wednesday a 12-year-old girl on her bicycle was crushed by a bus and died of her injuries, her friend also got hit and was rushed to the hospital.

This was the headline on one of the news sites that I follow when I hear or read something about an accident, this one happened on on of the routes that we drive as well. The major roads are crossing here on a T-junction and the surrounding area has no narrowed corners so it is easy to overlook the road in all directions the road is divided at the junction in two single lanes where buses, taxis, cars are all jostling for, at best, snail's pace progress and tempers get frayed. Cyclists and pedestrians have their own lanes but need to cross this busy road. Somehow this crossing is dangerous as during rush hour it is hard to cross the road. And if it is raining you want to get home if you are on a push bike. Question to me still is: “How could they have missed eachother.”  I think over what has happened this really is drives me crazy. She must have taken a huge risk or the driver has been either blind or driving too fast. Whatever will be the outcome of this accident several peoples lives have been destroyed Wednesday.

Our own correspondent the Old Sailor had a discussion with some collegues about cyclists in the city. About how many times it ends up in a near hit and why do people underestimate the risks by just hoping that the motorised driver will hit the brakes. That was only telling us, ironically on Wednesday, what a nightmare cycling youngsters on the streets of Groningen can be, it is a hazardous environment with busses, trucks cars,mopeds and taxis. Knowing the risks and the dangerous corners I rented a push bike and cruised through the heart of Groningen to find out why people overestimate themselves. In this case I have first hand experience from a recent trip through the capital on a push bike.

The police says, "Individual fatalities are very distressing but it is not possible to see any trend with such a small number. Casualty stats never make sense in a single accident (but) is this not a total different issue. Even before (this cyclist) was killed there were complaints from all sides about the safety of cyclist and pedestrians in the city. The media has been very quick to say all the blame should be put on the driver. Accussing him of speeding and he probably overlooked the girls. (It looks like it is the other way around that the girls have missed the bus in this case.

They are “bad” news in my opinion eventhough all the good things they are publishing, but there seems to have been a failure of organisation between the different arms in this horrible drama." As they all want to be the first one with the breaking news whitout checking the facts.

A spokesperson on the local news said, “We were very saddened to hear that a young cyclist died following a collision with an on route bus on this street on 25 April. Our thoughts and sympathies are with her family and friends at this time. We will work with the police and the bus operating company, to fully investigate the incident.

She continued, “Accidents such as this one on Wednesday are rare. In the past four years, three cyclists have been killed following a collision with a bus on Groningen’s roads, despite the fact that around half a million cycle journeys and a million bus journeys are made on these roads every year. Nevertheless, we take every such accident very seriously and work with the bus operating companies to ensure bus drivers are trained in how to share road space with cyclists.”

The spokesperson concludes, "Since 2000, there has been a 21% fall in the number of cyclists killed or seriously injured on our roads, compared to the mid to late 1990s. At the same time, there has been a 107% increase in the number of cycle journeys made on Groningen’s roads in the past decade. The safety of cyclists is a huge priority for both the Mayor and the transport companies and we are committed to making cycling as safe as possible.

Still every incident is one too many who-ever might be guilty in this case there are only losers in this case. Even when it might not the drivers fault he needs to live with the fact that you have killed someone and you have disrupted so many others lives. Live is bitch that is for sure.

The Old Sailor,

Did I fail in this life?

Dear Bloggers,


This week I have been transfered again to my old station and had to pick up on my knowledge again. In a way I feel happy on the other hand reality is that they could not find anyone else. I have at this moment the feeling that the things that happened in my life so far have only brought me more and more worries about the future. How do you know if your life is a failure or a success? Many queries are bubbling up in my brain, it is busy in there it’s like a real autmn storm in my little grey area.

Or, maybe instead, how do you know if your life is a success?

What are the criteria? Who gets to decide? Is your life a failure if you are send to prison? If your kids go to prison? Are you a failure if you don’t do what you want to do for a living? If you don’t do what are you supposed to do for a career? Or if you made once a mistake do you get the blame forever? Unless you are being protected by people on higher positions you might have a chance to make some mistakes.

When is it too late to fix it?

Considering that a life includes many stages and levels, maybe the answer is always subject to qualifications and/or temporary current circumstances. Maybe a person can always make amends and change. Or, maybe it is part of the human condition that we are always just a few degrees away from either success or failure…and the decisions we are always making are constantly swinging the pendulum back and forth.

The person that goes to prison can reform. The person responsible for a drunk driving accident can make amends. The person commiting adultery can quit. The person engaging in destructive behaviour towards other people can stop. It is a kind of nature that we are like wolves, if there is no strong pack leader the other ones might tear you apart.

Or, maybe they cannot?

Maybe the criteria are locked and fixed. Maybe the hands of fate don’t allow for a second and third chance. Maybe our flaws are too many to overcome. Maybe even those with apparent success are hiding significant faults.

Is it only at death that we are judged as good or bad, success or failure?

Decisions made years ago, and early in life, have a bearing on incidents that happen later in life. No one is ever truly able to escape their past. Decisions made at one point with the confidence of correctness can later be determined as incorrect. Time marches on. Nothing is ever over. Does this knowledge force us into a state of intellectual paralysis?

Does enlightenment occur from the knowledge of this pendulum of good versus evil and success versus failure? Maybe those that are aware of the precarious balance are thus successful as a result, while those who are oblivious are failing…will fail…can’t stop from failing.

You need to set some goals in this life. Altruism, kindness, generosity…those are universally recognizable and realistic goals. Those are goals that benefit both the individual and society as a whole. Pursuit and realization of those goals should probably allow a person to be considered as successful.

Failing to follow those guiding principles…well, failure is as failure does.

So, are we feeling sorry for those that don’t get it? Can we help those that choose to make mistakes? Can we look the other way while they fail? And, are we then also failures as long as there are those without the knowledge of this path to enlightenment…those who fail to see it…those who fail to do what is right…those who just fail? It’s a philosophical thing that keeps my mind running.

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.”

My thoughts might sound kind of negative somekind of dark and people may call me a doomthinker. I really wander how can I change things into better prospectives? I feel that I have failed on many things in my life. It has been a long time ago that i felt successful.

On the other hand i did do in a way quite well. But who am I kidding actually as the last few years everything went downwards. When I had to stop sailing my income fell with more than 40% in a year, I got a body to live in that only works on half power and is painful every day. Yes I became trapped in my future plans and there is no light that guides me to the end of the tunnel. Now I am renting myself out to get my hours filled as the holiday season is coming. For crying out loud no one cares about you or your feelings.

“It is no use lying to one’s self.”

I have trouble to stay positive in this jungle of emotions. Must I just stay positive when everything in life turns you down? I live in a house that is hardly sellable, a job with an uncertain future, I drive an old car which I cannot replace due to less and less work. My family suffers from it as well and everyone has it’s own needs. Are we slowly going our own way and what happened to the unity?

Honesty and the right action determines success…regardless of the endeavour…anything and everything short of that is failure.

The Old Sailor,