Bus kills young woman cyclist

Dear Bloggers,

It may be a horrible coincidence but the situation with the Bus Companies around the North of the Netherlands has been a mess for many months now - "an accident waiting to happen" as one of the news sites flashed yesterday - and on Wednesday a 12-year-old girl on her bicycle was crushed by a bus and died of her injuries, her friend also got hit and was rushed to the hospital.

This was the headline on one of the news sites that I follow when I hear or read something about an accident, this one happened on on of the routes that we drive as well. The major roads are crossing here on a T-junction and the surrounding area has no narrowed corners so it is easy to overlook the road in all directions the road is divided at the junction in two single lanes where buses, taxis, cars are all jostling for, at best, snail's pace progress and tempers get frayed. Cyclists and pedestrians have their own lanes but need to cross this busy road. Somehow this crossing is dangerous as during rush hour it is hard to cross the road. And if it is raining you want to get home if you are on a push bike. Question to me still is: “How could they have missed eachother.”  I think over what has happened this really is drives me crazy. She must have taken a huge risk or the driver has been either blind or driving too fast. Whatever will be the outcome of this accident several peoples lives have been destroyed Wednesday.

Our own correspondent the Old Sailor had a discussion with some collegues about cyclists in the city. About how many times it ends up in a near hit and why do people underestimate the risks by just hoping that the motorised driver will hit the brakes. That was only telling us, ironically on Wednesday, what a nightmare cycling youngsters on the streets of Groningen can be, it is a hazardous environment with busses, trucks cars,mopeds and taxis. Knowing the risks and the dangerous corners I rented a push bike and cruised through the heart of Groningen to find out why people overestimate themselves. In this case I have first hand experience from a recent trip through the capital on a push bike.

The police says, "Individual fatalities are very distressing but it is not possible to see any trend with such a small number. Casualty stats never make sense in a single accident (but) is this not a total different issue. Even before (this cyclist) was killed there were complaints from all sides about the safety of cyclist and pedestrians in the city. The media has been very quick to say all the blame should be put on the driver. Accussing him of speeding and he probably overlooked the girls. (It looks like it is the other way around that the girls have missed the bus in this case.

They are “bad” news in my opinion eventhough all the good things they are publishing, but there seems to have been a failure of organisation between the different arms in this horrible drama." As they all want to be the first one with the breaking news whitout checking the facts.

A spokesperson on the local news said, “We were very saddened to hear that a young cyclist died following a collision with an on route bus on this street on 25 April. Our thoughts and sympathies are with her family and friends at this time. We will work with the police and the bus operating company, to fully investigate the incident.

She continued, “Accidents such as this one on Wednesday are rare. In the past four years, three cyclists have been killed following a collision with a bus on Groningen’s roads, despite the fact that around half a million cycle journeys and a million bus journeys are made on these roads every year. Nevertheless, we take every such accident very seriously and work with the bus operating companies to ensure bus drivers are trained in how to share road space with cyclists.”

The spokesperson concludes, "Since 2000, there has been a 21% fall in the number of cyclists killed or seriously injured on our roads, compared to the mid to late 1990s. At the same time, there has been a 107% increase in the number of cycle journeys made on Groningen’s roads in the past decade. The safety of cyclists is a huge priority for both the Mayor and the transport companies and we are committed to making cycling as safe as possible.

Still every incident is one too many who-ever might be guilty in this case there are only losers in this case. Even when it might not the drivers fault he needs to live with the fact that you have killed someone and you have disrupted so many others lives. Live is bitch that is for sure.

The Old Sailor,

Diabetes the silent killer

Dear Bloggers,

I am familiar for a while now with the diagnoses diabetes but no one is telling you about the risk that you might possibly die of this bloody disease in the Netherlands about 40 of a 1000 men will die due to being overweight, high bloodpressure, kidney faillure or vascular problems. So it is really time to take more care of me and find a different way to care about the rest of my family. Otherwise I might get into really big trouble. Complications will sneak in sooner or later.

Some practical things that you can do to help during this time include the following:

Learn as much as possible about your disease. At times, ignorance or a lack of understanding is your worst enemy. Arm yourself with information in order to lessen frustration. Do not hesitate to ask questions about your disease. You may wish to keep a notebook with all of the medical records and information about your diagnosis; sometimes, you can be too numb or too upset at the hospital and realize later that you forgot everything the physician had said. Further you should stick to your diet and stay in shape as it is your body and your life.

Keep a journal of your feelings about your disease and the impact on your life. As time goes on, you may be able to look back and see that things are improving.

Learn about your health benefits so that you understand what expenses will be covered by insurance.

Continue doing your usual, daily activities. You will still have grocery shopping, laundry, and going through the mail to do on a daily or weekly basis. Having some of these "regular" activities will help you cope and feel more in control.

Take care of your family relationships. Although your primary focus is on your diabetes, it is important to also spend time as you normally would with your family, friends, and spouse. It is healthy to have fun together. Relieving stress and strengthening family relationships will allow you to cope better with your disease.

Utilize the support groups in the area, as well as national support groups and their resources. Find out about supportive services available at the hospital or doctors post to help you cope, such as the availability of social workers and/or meetings with other families. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Each family's need for support is unique. Friends and family members will often ask, "Is there anything I can do to help?" Consider saying "yes" to this question and ask them to pick up your groceries, help with the laundry or housecleaning, pick up your children from their extracurricular activities, or make dinner. "Assigning" a friend or family member something to do to help you will also help them feel like they are contributing.

Avoid emotionally draining situations. Sometimes, well-meaning friends and family members will say the worst possible thing at the time of a diabetes diagnosis especially on the bad news stories. They truly want to help or be supportive, but sometimes do not know how to respond. Their words may hurt you or disappoint you, even though that was not their intention. You must realize that people will not know what your needs are unless you tell them. Sometimes, it is simply easier to be forthright and tell someone "I would just like you to sit quietly with me and keep me company" or "I need to spend some time alone right now." Do not be afraid to express your needs during this time.

Other people may want to talk to you about their experiences with diabetes. They may believe that they are being helpful to you, but instead may be making your situation feel even more overwhelming. It is important for you to avoid these discussions if they are not helping you. It is healthy to be "selfish" and ask for what you need, as well as what you do not need during this time.

Share what you have learned. You will have important knowledge and skills that you learn as you experience your illness. You could help others and their families by sharing your experiences.

And how to explain your kids in my case:

School-aged children (6 to 12 years of age):

They need repeated reassurance that he/she is not responsible for the diabetes 

teaching that sadness, anger, and guilt are normal feelings 

allowing your child to keep feelings private, if that is preferred 

suggesting personal recording of thoughts, feelings through writing, drawing 

arranging for physical activity, when possible 

providing explanations for your child so it can understand about your diabetes and the treatment plan. 

answering all questions honestly and in understandable language, including, "Are you going to die?" (talk with diabetes care team about how to answer) 

listening for unasked questions 

facilitating communication with siblings, friends, and classmates, if desired 

teaching about normal feelings of fear, anxiety, sadness, or anger 

encouraging sibling to communicate feelings; suggesting sibling write, telephone, send drawings or taped message to patient 

explaining that parents' distress, sadness, or crying is okay

Adolescents (13 to 18 years of age and older):

giving information on normal emotional reactions to a diabetes diagnosis

encouraging expression of feelings to someone: parents, family, or classmates

tolerating any reluctance to communicate thoughts and feelings

encouraging journal keeping

providing repeated reassurance that they are not responsible for causing the diabetes

being included in all discussions with parents about diagnosis and treatment planning

being encouraged to ask questions (parents should listen for unasked questions)

addressing spiritual concerns about "Why?"

offering assurance that parents and family members will be able to manage crisis

encouraging sharing news of diagnosis with friends, and classmates

arranging for visits of friends

reassuring that diabetes is not contagious

offering assurance that nothing they did or said caused the diabetes

providing detailed information on diagnosis and treatment plan

answering all questions honestly

encouraging expression of feelings

arranging for management of daily life at home

providing assurance that family will be able to handle crisis

informing teachers and coaches of family situation

encouraging usual involvement in school and other activities

Diabetes in the Family - Talking to Kids about Diabetes

Few things impact a family more than a diagnosis of diabetes. Every member of the family and every aspect of your life will be affected such as relationships, money, time and energy. Parents diagnosed with diabetes must not only face their own fears and uncertainty, they must also help their children cope with this life-altering reality.

Communication is key throughout the diabetes journey. Understanding children’s developmental stages can help parents understand the way their child views illness. You should also take into account the individual child’s temperament. It is important to remember that children are more resilient than you might anticipate.

Yet it is important to tell your children about your situation. You can say something like, “diabetes is a serious, but treatable disease.” As far as treatment, children should be told that the doctors are working to make you better. They should also know what will happen in the next few days or weeks and also about how long treatment will take.

Do I talk about the possibility of my dying?

You may be worried about dying and so might your children. In general, if your physician is optimistic about your chances for recovery, you do not need to tell your children you could die. Be honest and encourage your children to share their fears and worries with you. Your children may ask you if you could die. Carefully consider your response. Balance honesty with the emotional impact of such news and leave the door open for future questions. Take into account the child’s developmental age and understanding of time when answering this question.

What if they ask questions I have already answered?

Asking the same question repeatedly is normal for children. Absorbing the reality of a diabetes diagnosis is difficult for everyone. Forgetting information is common for both children and adults in times of great stress. Do not feel like a failure if it seems your children do not understand your explanations. By answering your children’s questions over and over again, you are helping to ease their worries. Sometimes children may test you to see if your answers stay the same. Try a different approach to answer your child’s questions each time they ask.

Should I tell others about my diabetes? Teachers? Friends?

People vary in the length of time it takes to feel comfortable talking about diabetes. It can be a strain for children to feel as if they need to keep your diabetes secret. Chances are the news will leak out anyway. Consider who the important people in your child’s life are. Often it is their teachers, coaches, scout leaders, music instructors and the parent’s of their friends. Sharing the news with these people allows them to interact with your children in helpful ways. It will help teachers make sense of any behavior changes. 

The Old Sailor,

What is your biggest fear?

Dear Bloggers,


This week I talked to a young lady in the bus during one of the lonely and stormy nightshifts all of a sudden we entered the subject of loosing a person near to you. She told about the loss of her dad, when his business stranded due to the financial trouble a few years ago he did not see a way out anymore and took his own life. Even it is to discuss if you can do this to your family yes or no. I had a really deep conversation with her about the reason why we should be here? I found the following qoute of Natalie Babbit on the web and I think that this a better way of understanding this silly fear of death.

"Do not fear death... only the unlived life.
You don't have to live forever;
You just have to live."

It is natural to feel fear of the unknown. In regard to death, this fear may be of what might happen during the process of dying, such as the pain of a terminal illness, nausea, vomiting, or even fearing abandonment by those around you. The fear of death may also be perpetuated by the sadness of the family around the dying person, or the hopelessness of the doctor, or the nurses who feel they may have failed to keep the person alive. However, it is through death that the dying person can be released from the great burden of the diseased body.

Death is not an enemy, it is a natural fact of life, a stage of our existence, and a transition or doorway between planes of reality. Death has its own harmony with nature just as a tree loses its leaves every fall. We don't feel that it is unjust or that the tree failed to stay fully alive when it goes dormant through the winter. It is natural. Neither should doctors and nurses feel they have failed if after every endeavor a patient dies. Actually, it may be better to let a person take the opportunity to die peacefully rather than trying to force him or her to remain alive in a suffering body. In other words, it can be better to make peace with death than try to conquer it.

The process of dying can be rough, but it is temporary. The best thing to do is to focus our consciousness as much as we can in a way that will help us reach the highest realm possible after death. Of course, it always may be a little sad to leave our home and loved ones, but if we are going to a bigger and more beautiful home, then what is there to be sorry about? It is joyful to be going to a better place. This sort of joy will also help divert our attention from any pain we may be feeling.

The primary fear of death is, of course, not knowing what we will be or where we will go in the afterlife. If you are afraid of where you might go after death, be surrendered and know that fate, or God, will put you where you will best learn whatever you need to learn. The universe is based on compassion. It is not a punishment that we are here, but it is because of our desires for the experience of material existence and bodily sense pleasure. Each life is meant for us to learn more about ourselves, and about who we are. Death is not simply a matter of getting old or sick and then dying. Natural death happens when you have finished doing what you were meant to do in this life. You may have wanted to do more or not, but when you have done what you were meant to do, you will move on. Nature will arrange it that you will leave this realm. Each life is like a classroom wherein you learn a certain amount, and go through a certain number of lessons or tests. Then you graduate to the next class. We can learn willingly or unwillingly. We can cooperate or be uncooperative. We can repeatedly keep going through it until we learn all of the necessary lessons to go on to the next level. That is our choice. And if you have failed any of the tests, don't worry. You'll have the chance to try it again. Therefore, let go of any fear and let "God" or who or whatever you believe in put you where you will make the most progress.

Actually, to fear death reveals one's misunderstanding of life. It is a fear of knowing one's real self, which is beyond the bodily identification. It is that with which some people hesitate to acquaint themselves. Thus, if a person has known nothing else but one's bodily identity, losing the body can put one into fear. Yet, how can one ever think he was the body when it is plain to see that he came into this temporary world through birth and must leave it through death? All of our possessions, relationships, even our talents and skills are all temporary. So how can our body be anything more? Being afraid of death is like being afraid to give up an old and worn-out garment.

In this regard, the mind is the root cause of fear and suffering. However, this fear and anguish can be a gift because it shows where the mind gets caught in the desired model of thinking how things should be. It projects its own level of reality out on the world and its perception of things. When things are not the way we want them to be, or think they should be, the mind has difficulty accepting it and we suffer. We then often get angry, anxious, confused, or fall into fear. To enjoy freedom from suffering, we have to grow beyond our attachments, ego, and desires. Thus, the awareness of our approaching death plays an important role in helping us transcend our temporary worldly attachments, and to increase our development and qualities that are offered through our existence in different bodies or different planes of consciousness.

So an important point is that we do not have to be afraid of death, for we are all immortal. When we look around us, this is plain to see. Every winter the trees, plants and grass go dormant and practically die, yet they return to life and display their blooms in the spring. Even if a tree dies and becomes soil, we can see that out of it new life rises from the remnants of its decay. Even if the water of a pond disappears, it forms the steam from which clouds are created, which rain down the potential for new life. We witness many forms of transition of the same energy. It is an endless cycle in which we all participate. In the same way, our physical body is shed at death, but our life persists on another level. Thus, through death we also find renewal.

As it is stated in the ancient Bhagavad-gita, "Never was there a time when I did not exist, nor you. . . nor in the future shall any of us cease to be."

While we live in this material world, death helps alleviate and release us from our accumulated attachments, positions, and superficial desires. Death shows us what is not important, and makes us give up those things which can no longer help, or which keeps us from understanding who we really are. Even though we are here to experience the innumerable aspects of material existence, if we are too caught up in it, we will never understand our spiritual identity. Thus, death is an assistant which forces us to come to grips with what is temporary, and to give it up. It is another step in the learning process, to come closer to what we really are.

Unfortunately, if one is overly attached to his or her body, position, belongings and relations, death can seem like a severe punishment. Yet, it can be a gift or even a blessing if you are in deep kinds of pain. For the materialist who is afraid of losing everything, death is like the grip that crushes. With a spiritual understanding, one can find a meaning in dying.

In the end, there comes a time when we need to let ourselves, or the person dear to us, leave the body, just as when a person needs to rest. It can be wrong to resist the process of death, whether it be yours or that of another. So we should not begrudge another of his death. We should not be unwilling to let him or her go. As some of us are not able to live on but we should not be selfish and try to “rescue” the ones that cannot find another way out. It is his or her chance to enter a better realm to continue with his progress. He or she is not leaving us, he or she is simply going on before us.

Death is not an enemy, it can be like the friend who cuts the chain that holds the anchor which prevents one from sailing to greater horizons. This is the way we become closer to attaining freedom from this earthly plane, and from the dictates of the senses, the service of the body, and the impressions in the mind.

on the fear bus

I should put up a sign which says: “The one who fears death should take the next bus home.” I am afraid that my boss will not be very amused if I would do this for real.

The Old Sailor,



A Schocking Story

Dear Bloggers,

This week I write about fibromyalgia again.And as usual Iam reading on the internet about it.

When I am ending up on one of the forums of Rheumapatients, I am reading too many stories that can bring you down. Also here I find some jolly people, but most of them are quite negativ. When I open one of the subjects, I hardly can believe what I am reading.

It is about a young lady that is not been taken serious by the medical staff. Who are working for the medical unemployment services. She had been sent home with the diagnoses “There is nothing wrong with you, fibromyalgia is not recognized as a sicknes”. It is just something that you have, so learn to live with it. I see it many times that these doctors are not taking it serious.

Also the employers are not wanting to pay for a sickness that is not acknowledged in our country. Unfortunenetly she felt being left out and had the feeling that nobody wanted to understand her pain. Not even her own doctor was believing that fibromyalgia is real, and actually let her down.

Her pain became in many ways unbearable. When she was home on sick leave last week, she took her own live. Her family is totally devastated but they are greatful and thankful to the writers on the forum. Here she found people that understood most of her promlems and were giving some plain advices out of there own experience.

She stepped out of this life without any pre warning on the age of twenty-six. For a while I have been speechless anf tears were burning. How hard can it be for a doctor to acknowledge this crazy sickness. There should be more known about it especially by medical staff.

What a shame that absolutely nobody saw this coming and hardly anybody was understanding her. This has been hell on earth for her, now it is that for her parents and everybody else that loved her. I wish them a lot of strength in this bitter loss and to get through this darkest hour of their life.
Here you see that life is brutal and I will need some medication to calm myself down.

The Old Sailor,

Older painkiller, naproxen, found to be safest

Dear Bloggers,

Shocking news this morning a legend, the king of pop, Michael Jackson went to fiddler's green. Sometimes I am worried that my painkillers could trigger a heart attack or dangerous stomach bleeding as today it was mentioned in the news that Wacko Jacko died of a cardiac arrest. And that the painkillers he is using might have caused his death, it made me think that maybe the next victim is me. So I started reading reports again and to my surprise I read that diclofenac is pretty dangerous.

New reports on painkiller risks, based on reviews of dozens of studies including hundreds of thousands of patients, indicate most patients should try naproxen, an older anti-inflammatory drug.

Experts say it doesn't raise heart attack or stroke risk -- a major worry for older people -- and naproxen is inexpensive because generic versions have been around for years. Available over the counter, it's taken by millions of people worldwide.
The drawback is that like most painkillers, it can irritate the stomach, so doctors say some people may also need to take one of the newer acid reflux drugs.

"I do think we should start with naproxen in the vast majority of cases," said Dr. Steven Nissen, head of cardiology at the Cleveland Clinic and president of the American College of Cardiology. "It's about balancing the cardiovascular and gastrointestinal risk."
Along with the good news about naproxen, the two studies raise new concerns about a few painkillers, particularly diclofenac, which has been on the market since 1988. The commonly used anti-inflammatory drug, also sold as Voltaren and Cataflam, carries as high a risk of heart attack or stroke as Vioxx.

The new analyses also provide even more evidence of the dangers to the heart and kidneys posed by Vioxx, which was pulled from the market two years ago.
The latest findings should help patients and doctors confused about painkiller safety since news began unfolding about the risks of Vioxx, Bextra and other non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs.

Using any of those drugs, liver and kidney function tests should be required every six months.
The heart risks from diclofenac were reported by researchers at the University of Newcastle in Australia. That report recommends regulators review whether diclofenac should stay on the market.

THE RANKINGS
According to a report in the Journal of the American Medical Association, the painkiller naproxen has less of a cardiovascular risk than other drugs. Here are the rankings of risk estimates, from lowest risk estimate to highest risk estimate:
1. Naproxen
2. Celebrex
3. Ibuprofen
4. Other anti-inflammatory drugs
5. Mobic
6. Vioxx
7. Voltaren

I think it is about time that I should discuss this with my doctor, at my death there will not be such a media hype. But at least seven persons will miss me.

The Old Sailor,

We should enjoy life

Dear Bloggers,

As usual I have quite a happy way to go through live.

It is only such a shame that I am thinking sometimes that I am the only one that can take nearly every situation as a realist.
If you being over 80 years old, than you should be able to think and accept that not all the things are so flexible as in your 20’s.
But yeah I am not a person that can stand melancholic people that think that the doctors can fix everything.
There is a time for everybody that you come to the end of your life journey. Everyone will end his life one day and whatever the cause might be.
If you are getting a bit older you have brought already a few family members or friends to "the fiddler's green".
I question myself sometimes: why have elderly people not adjusted themselves on the fact that a journey to the hospital by ambulance could be the last journey in life. Why is the human being so persistent to survive?
Over and over I am thinking "this could be the last one, if my wife calls that grandpa is in the hospital again."



But every time the surprising news is coming that he is getting better and can go back home again.
My question is: What is the quality of life?
The life is not always a rose garden en living happily ever after is also a fully milked out product.
I have known a time myself that I rather saw life going instead of facing another day filled with horrible thoughts and memories.
To me life is like a brutal child, which you love anyway.
I have never thought, that could ban these bad thoughts.
But I succeeded to get them far into the back of my head.
I do not have the illusion that I am going to be very old.
I am living life how it comes and day-by-day, I am not planning things very far ahead.
My way of thinking is: Who lives now has no need to complain later in life that he or she did not do anything because they saved for their pension.
When my time has come, a few persons will grief about you and probably miss you, but I am hoping one thing, that they will not grief forever.



You don’t have to be forgotten but with the years the memory is placing you in the background and of course the world did not stop turning and life is going on for all the other human beings.
They just carry on with the things they were.
Everybody can be replaced, although we think that we cannot be missed.

”Live life as long it is there, pray for less fights, spend your last money on a drink and fuck if your life is depending on it.”

The Old Sailor,

What is the meaning of life?

Dear Bloggers,

This very deep questions were hitting me, it just came over me: "What is the meaning of our lives" and "Why are we here?"
I started thinking about these questions, when we had to practise a terror act drill.
It is still kind of strange to me that these people feel that they are the chosen ones, who is telling them this kind of crap?
You must be pretty crazy or brainwashed to blow yourself up.
At least you must have a pretty miserable live, with nothing in it
Every person needs to believe in to something in life



That they are really excist and handle like this in the name of a higher power.
It is strange that they believe on the other hand that everything was made by him,
and also that they are promised to go to heaven, hmm I always have been wandering if rapists and murders go to heaven?

I admit that every person has in life some challenges crossing their path.
But I must say: some are getting more challenges than the other, what is in my opinion also strange.
As everyone should be equal.
I just see it like this, we are in a way all the same from what culture are religion that does not matter.
Because at the day that we are born we all appeared butt naked on this planet and we all had to learn how to walk, how to talk.
And even though we are not all getting old and we die in a thousand different ways.
There will always be a few that mis you and remember you.
As we have gathered a lot of stuff, to make our life less miserable.
There is actually really nothing that we can take with us.



My final thought of it is:" We are coming with nothing and we are leaving with nothing."
So where is it all good for?
You can work hard, you can live your life with your heart filled with love and we are all hoping for better times.
Let us hope that someone out there is loving you with all her heart.
And that you never have to doubt or worry about the on you are depending on.



But if the time comes, that you are sailing to your final destination.
If you drop your anchor and your engine stops, you are there in silent harbour, waiting rusty until your time has past.
Ask yourself the question: "Was your life worth it?
If the answer is no it is never to late to go and get a live.

I am not forcing anyone, but I will stick these very basic things in live:
“Live life as long it is there, pray for less fights, spend your last money on a drink and fuck if your life is depending on it.”
A brighter light might be on the horizon, also for you.

The Old Sailor,

if grief.......

Dear bloggers,

I just go back to the days of my youth where a couple things came on my way that were less pleasant. At that time I lost my belief in the church or let me say the religius part of it. If there is a god why do these very sad things have to happen..

Let me start at the beginning.
It was half way my time of puberty and I did not have anything to complain about female attention.
This is not because I am a Casanova, but due to the simple fact that my dad had a riding school with horses.
This is working as a magnet on young girls until the boys are entering their lives.



I learned pretty quickly that I was not the ideal picture for all women, and that you had to put in quite a bit of effort to get their attention.
Although it went slowly, every now and then I booked a little success and kissed one of these “dreamgirls”(puppy love).
Anyway being in love is the same feeling all the time.
Butterflies all over the place.
But to much more, it came on a later period in live.
The unbelievable feeling in your stomach and the build up tension made it super special.
And that is pretty tricky if you are not really knowing how to deal with all these feelings.
It is very strange if you are at the beginning of your life, and all of a sudden you get the message that one of these young girls dies of a brain tumor.
Years later you are thinking back about the fact that she was suffering of very painfull headaches.
But nobody came to the conclusion that you could die of this, Not even a single doctor could see that there was something wrong inside her head, and she was just a young flower getting in bloom growing to something beautiful.



And then all of a sudden you are standing there blurred and with mixed up feelings, it felt like part of my body was removed, shocked and as struck by lightning.
I stopped and had no words when I was next to her coffin and saw a family totally shattered by grief.
Young and inexperienced, you are standing there not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do.
Although I was convinced that there are things in life where you did not count on. This was very barbaric of life and I have never understood this.
Days in a row, I have been crying my eyes out and filled with incoprehensible feelings is was trying to find out why.
My mum could only try to comfort me as I was brokenhearted and I had to find myself back.
After a while I had to go on with living, eventhough I had the feeling the world had stopped turning, everything around me had done her normal things.
Still I have trouble to give this a place in my live, although I let it rest more and more.
But like today it pops in my mind again and I have no clue what has triggered it.
I am caught in silent grief again, and my heart is softly crying.
My brain is running on full power and I have to do something to get my thoughts back to something normal.
Also the anger against the religion is coming up again.
Although i have the idea that also this anger will not help anyone and is it God’s fault?
Or is it natures fault?
Who will explain it, as until now nobody really can give a proven theory about our excistence on this planet.
At least the story about the beginning is still a mystery and in life you are not sure of anything.
One thing is a fact for everybody: “The light on the horizon is there for all of us, and one day we will end this life with dying.”

The Old Sailor,