The dream of my youth

Dear Bloggers,

I do probably dream a lot but most of the mornings that i wake up, I do not remember a single thing. Only sometimes I can recall the story of my dreams and they have the strangest subjects. This is one of these dreams that I had for a couple of days now and i wander why do I have this dream? Is it that I want to know what happened to people from my past or is there somewhere deep inside something left that should be questioned? I thought that I had finished this story many years ago when we broke up and went our own ways again. It is strange how the mind pops up these stories and my question is why does this occur so many years later? Am I still looking for answers from my youth or is there something hidden deeper. Is this the life that I imagined many years ago or what?

As we both have a job and work in different day shifts. We normally forget a few things when we do our shopping. As I am on my way already this morning my wife called me on my cellphone if I could drop by the supermarket and by some groceries for the evening meal and some bread rolls for lunch. And after the call I drive towards the supermarket to get the goodies. I rush (literally) with my little red car into the carpark at the supermarket. It is terribly busy and so I just curse when I must drive a second round to secure a spot. I throw my car around the corner, search along the more distant parking lots and see an empty spot in the corner near the supermarket as I see someone drive off, so thats good.

As I was heading off to that spot on my eye suddenly falls on the woman at the edge of the sidewalk waiting with her little daughter. A typicall Dutch female figure, a head full of curly brown hair, deep brown eyes, pale skin with a red blush ......... involuntarily squeezes of my stomach. "Oh my god, it’s Esther ..." I mutter softly to myself.

I park my car and I thank God on my knees this morning that I have decided for once to dress myself neatly on a Saturday In a long black shirt, dark black trousers and neat shoes to match as I walk towards the carts. I see her coming around the corner at the same time but I just rethink how small the chances are, that she would remember me and I climb over the fence for the carts so I can avoid her ..

How long wiould it be now, pfff think almost 28 years or so. Suddenly I see myself again in mind: Just 16 years old, I walk into the harbour area and its end of the season time for the fancy fair, the new backpack that my parents gave me is hanging around my shoulders. And there are my friends hanging out by the bumper cars together with some nice looking young ladies. I introduce myself to the girls and somehow this Esther girl is catching my eyes. I look at her and for the first time in my life I feel butterflies, wow ..." Hi Esther ......I am out of words for the first time in my entire life ... "Much more is gone from me, I am now vibrating and fire red. I drink my beer and head for the bar to get us some new beverages.......dry throats are dreadfull.

I have meanwhile grabbed my cart and turned around. There's really a look of recognition in Esther's eyes to see, so I greet friendly and walk by. My goodnes I am shy again, nothing changed.

Of the way to the eshentrance I think back on that period ....Of course it was obvious that I am in love with Esther I yoyally fall for her and there was a click between us. We could get along well together and the fair was always a good start fo a new relation because it had to happen. And that did it, we grew more and more towards each other and the end of this evening was my dream. We walked together through an open field and I pointed to the stars, "do you see that group of stars Esther? In the form of a saucepan? That's the big bear ... "She is leaning against me to point to the stars and I feel my body shiver as in a panic attack. I turned to her and looked her straight in her eyes. "Esther ..." my voice was hoarse, 'This really can not .. you're going to be my first real girlfriend ... after......"When my gaze fell I said softly," I am so scared to do this and then she said it was not a problem,,,,we are taking it easy ... that you are in doubt with me .. "" Yeah but it really can not ... and I really need more time to....."And so she took my heart and kissed me as never before. Our relationship was passionate and roughly edged. I really had some serious butterfly problems. We lost the love for each other after 6 months, the fire had died out slowly and we broke up with no hard feelings and that was that ... But forget her? No, never.....ever ..she had started me up again.

As I throw my stuff in the cart, I see that Esther, of course, took the same route as me. When I walk through the isles. Her cart is at a certain moment in my way and so she says softly as she looks at me, 'Sorry' and pulls the cart away.

I feel really confident and ridiculous at the same look at her and smiled, "Do not worry" 'Once at the vegetables I am no longer able to sustain and I am all blushing (bizar!!) She speaks to me," Hi Sailor, how are you? "Well the wild hairs are still there but I turn to graying," HEJ Esther, yes everything alright with you? "While I ask my question, I look at her as well: Yes she is also older now but still good looking and somehow she looks nervous. "Yes it is not to bad with me, my daughter and I have a small home for almost a year now," Again, I look at her smiling, "The little girl is approx 6 years or so," Now she smiles at me, "Yes the drum still beats "We look at each other, each too long, and the little girl calls us to order;" Mummy why are you doing so weird to that man ... " I totally shot into laughter, that wonderful honesty of children.

"Hey Esther I am sorry but I must go, my wife is sitting at home together with the kids and they are waiting for their lunch. It was nice to see you again and maybe we'll meet again here. At that moment "she gazes and says, 'Yes, I must go too. "We give each other a hug or something similair but then I turn around and walk away. First loves ... something that makes that these people are always special to you and so I walked around yesterday with a big, big smile. As I have never have forgotten her, and she never forgot me, for both of us it's a nice reminder of our youth. Yes it was great at that time but she left me then with a totally shattered heart and I still did not find all the pieces back yet.....

The Old Sailor,

if grief.......

Dear bloggers,

I just go back to the days of my youth where a couple things came on my way that were less pleasant. At that time I lost my belief in the church or let me say the religius part of it. If there is a god why do these very sad things have to happen..

Let me start at the beginning.
It was half way my time of puberty and I did not have anything to complain about female attention.
This is not because I am a Casanova, but due to the simple fact that my dad had a riding school with horses.
This is working as a magnet on young girls until the boys are entering their lives.



I learned pretty quickly that I was not the ideal picture for all women, and that you had to put in quite a bit of effort to get their attention.
Although it went slowly, every now and then I booked a little success and kissed one of these “dreamgirls”(puppy love).
Anyway being in love is the same feeling all the time.
Butterflies all over the place.
But to much more, it came on a later period in live.
The unbelievable feeling in your stomach and the build up tension made it super special.
And that is pretty tricky if you are not really knowing how to deal with all these feelings.
It is very strange if you are at the beginning of your life, and all of a sudden you get the message that one of these young girls dies of a brain tumor.
Years later you are thinking back about the fact that she was suffering of very painfull headaches.
But nobody came to the conclusion that you could die of this, Not even a single doctor could see that there was something wrong inside her head, and she was just a young flower getting in bloom growing to something beautiful.



And then all of a sudden you are standing there blurred and with mixed up feelings, it felt like part of my body was removed, shocked and as struck by lightning.
I stopped and had no words when I was next to her coffin and saw a family totally shattered by grief.
Young and inexperienced, you are standing there not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do.
Although I was convinced that there are things in life where you did not count on. This was very barbaric of life and I have never understood this.
Days in a row, I have been crying my eyes out and filled with incoprehensible feelings is was trying to find out why.
My mum could only try to comfort me as I was brokenhearted and I had to find myself back.
After a while I had to go on with living, eventhough I had the feeling the world had stopped turning, everything around me had done her normal things.
Still I have trouble to give this a place in my live, although I let it rest more and more.
But like today it pops in my mind again and I have no clue what has triggered it.
I am caught in silent grief again, and my heart is softly crying.
My brain is running on full power and I have to do something to get my thoughts back to something normal.
Also the anger against the religion is coming up again.
Although i have the idea that also this anger will not help anyone and is it God’s fault?
Or is it natures fault?
Who will explain it, as until now nobody really can give a proven theory about our excistence on this planet.
At least the story about the beginning is still a mystery and in life you are not sure of anything.
One thing is a fact for everybody: “The light on the horizon is there for all of us, and one day we will end this life with dying.”

The Old Sailor,