Showing posts with label end of life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label end of life. Show all posts
June 17, 2014
February 27, 2013
The Crash...
Dear Bloggers,
In the last few years, one of my close friends has dealt with the
untimely loss of a spouse. I'd like to share this story and what we all have
learned about dealing with grief and moving forward at the appropriate time.
My friend was the one who died suddenly of a massive car crash at age 32, leaving a wife and 2 children from 14 and 8. He could not go with them as he needed to finish things at work and he would come later that evening. While he had been feeling poorly that morning he had no easy answers on this feeling, he urged his wife and children to go on a family holiday out of town because they should not loose any of this precious time. Crazy how life can turn around so sudden. When his wife and family returned quickly when they learned of his death and dealt with the funeral, the estate and all the implications of losing their husband and father.
It would have been very different circumstances if he would have been seriously ill with a sickness, for example cancer then there is most of the time some time left to say goodbye. even though the loss of any wife and mother or husband and father is tragic. The death of a father and husband which was sudden, unexpected and laden with guilt for his dying alone.
Whatever the circumstances, dealing with the death of a spouse has to be one of the most difficult and traumatic experiences of life. Based on the experiences of others and lots of research, here are some ideas and perspectives that might help.
Try to understand the stages of grief.
- Denial: "This can’t be happening to me."
- Anger: "Why is this happening? Who is to blame?"
- Bargaining: "Make this not happen, and in return I will ____."
- Depression: "I’m too sad to do anything."
- Acceptance: "I’m at peace with what is going to happen/has happened."
Recognize that time tends to heal wounds. When we are in the midst of feelings of loss or grief, it can truly seem like the feelings will last forever. But time's passage has a way of healing these feelings. Keeping a sense of hope through the feelings of grief can help a mother or father who has lost his or her spouse make it through each day.
Lean on your support system. Fortunately for my friends, there were exceptional support systems. They both had large families on both sides on whom they could lean. They had friends also from work who were helpful through the transition. Big plus they had was the community of faith on whom they leaned emotionally and physically. The ones who find themselves alone after the death of a spouse need to allow others who are close to them into their inner circle of feelings. People who care about you want to help, and you are in a time when you need it perhaps the most.
Express your feelings. Don't bottle up emotions of grief and sorrow. Sometimes societal expectations make men particularly want to be strong and stoic. Especially if you have children that are grieving with you, you may feel a need to be their "rock." But you will need some time to express your feelings, insecurities and loneliness. Talk to friends, seek counseling, write, cry whatever the outlet will be, let the feelings be expressed. Repressing them only brings greater challenges later.
Take care of yourself physically. It will be important for you to eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise. Avoid self-defeating behaviors like turning to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain. Just taking walks with a close friend or family member can make a world of difference in your mood.
Take your time. Grieving works differently for different people. I cannot write a basic transcript for everyone as everyone experiences these emotions in his or her own way. Do not let others make you feel rushed to get on with your life or move ahead. Move at your pace. Don't make any major decisions that will have life-changing implications through the grief process.
Today my friends are doing well and their life is moving forward. My friends wife is now back in the work force and busy raising her children. Not yet remarried and not really worried about it, she is again building a new life with new opportunities. All of them have worked through this important life transition, taking different approaches but main part is that it’s working. They gave me the permission on writing about their situation as others might learn something from it. I made the choice of not mentioning any names. I think that nobody gains anything here.
The most important thing for any grieving father or mother to remember is that through the grieving process, there is hope and that with time and effort, life can again be full of happiness and possibilities. All the roads you will take might look new, but most of them have been tried by someone.
The Old Sailor,
February 19, 2013
Bullying is lethal my friends
Dear Bloggers,
We hear and see the national news reports regarding bullying in schools, neighborhoods and communities. It's nothing new, the pundits promise action, and we feel a bit better that the problem is being addressed. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The latest casualty? Anass Aouragh , a 13-year-old boy from Wassenaar. Teased relentlessly, his mentor, says there is now an empty space at school. What are the reasons for the perpetual taunting? His small size, his high IQ there are no reasons given yet. Was he not able to deal with the verbal assaults and the sticks and paper dots that were thrown at him, or was it when they started making fun of him? Somewhere he reached the breaking point.
His parents, were worried about their son when he did not return home from an after school job bringing around advertising leaflets. Worry turned into frantic and desperate fear, and soon they organized a search party. The police send out an Amber Alert. Hours later, in the morning they found him, in the woods of Wassenaar. The image of the scene and their tortured agony is almost too much to bear.
When are schools going to get it? Teaching the 3 R’s, reading, writing and arithmetic, is not enough.
Tolerance, respect and common decency need to be addressed along with the basics, because unfortunately, this is often not taught at home. And not only that, teachers, principals and administrators need to be constantly in touch and vigilant about what's going on in the classroom and on the playground.
Bullying is a problem that is not going to go away on its own. How many more deaths have to occur before schools take this problem seriously and responsibly?
Fleur Bloemen was another victim of what we never can understand. One of the kids said after she died: She never spoke about what she was going through.
This is very often the case. These kids are ashamed, embarrassed, shy, even afraid to speak up, which is why all school personnel must keep their ears and eyes open and be prepared to intervene. This is why all parents have to talk to their children about how to treat others, and must know what their kids are doing and who they're doing it with. It's called parenting.
This is not an isolated problem -- Fleur is just one of the latest examples. Last month it was Fleur, a high school student, who took her own life with jumping in front of train. No longer able to withstand the taunting from a group at school, she permanently ended the verbal assaults the only way she knew how. The reason for the harassment? She was wished dead by fellow students and was taunted on prepschool. Again, this fun-loving youngster kept it all inside, not wanting to upset his family by the derogatory comments. And now she jumped and some of her fellow students saw it happen.
Tim Ribberink, died 4 months ago in an apparent suicide. Authorities suspect the bullying he endured at school and at work played a role.Tim Ribberink....... was trying to escape the cruelty from his being a happy guy who was taunted being gay. After being punched, kicked and yelled at, he was victimized on social networks when his body was found at home his parents published a part of his farewll note in the advert in the local newspaper. The persons held responsible for this cannot be held responsible for this henious crime.
However, it is setting a precedent that the schools do have liability.
As I mention in 5 very important lessons from tragic bullying deaths, (1) Those struggling with their sexuality need to realize there are sources in every community to help; these kids are often targets (2) Parents must speak out. You must talk to your child about bullying and let them know it is wrong. Also, you must ask them often if they or anyone they know is being bullied. If so, you must report it immediately; (3) Teachers, administrators and school personnel have a duty to stop bullying on school grounds. There must be a zero tolerance policy. (4) Parents must teach their children acceptance and tolerance of others that are different, and that we all have gifts to share to make the world a better place. (5) Not only must bullies be held accountable -- their parents should be, as well.
Schools in the Netherlands are being offered the Kiva Method from Finland. KiVa is a research-based antibullying program that has been developed in the University of Turku, Finland, with funding from the Ministry of Education and Culture. The effectiveness of KiVa has been shown in a large randomized controlled trial. In Finland, KiVa is a sought-after program: 90 % of all comprehensive schools in the country are registered KiVa schools implementing the program.
KiVa has been evaluated in a large randomized controlled trial including 117 intervention schools and 117 control schools. The program has been shown to reduce both self- and peer-reported bullying and victimization significantly. It influences multiple form of victimization, including verbal, physical, and cyberbullying. In addition, positive effects on school liking, academic motivation and achievement have been reported. KiVa also reduces anxiety and depression and has a positive impact on students’ perception of their peer climate. A remarkable 98% of victims involved in discussions with the schools’ KiVa teams felt that their situation improved. Finally, Finnish data from more than 1000 schools that started the implementation of KiVa in fall 2009 showed that after the first year of implementation, both victimization and bullying had reduced significantly
.
It's too late to bring back any of these precious children, but hopefully their deaths will bring about change. If you can take one thing away, let it be this: Talk to your children. Listen to your children. If you do this, no telling what you'll learn. Talk, talk, talk, and keep those lines of communication open. Is someone bullying them? Are they bullying someone? And finally, do they know someone who is being bullied? Ask often and listen carefully.
All of them could have been alive today. Always remember that you can make a difference.
The Old Sailor,
April 28, 2012
Bus kills young woman cyclist
Dear Bloggers,
It may be a horrible coincidence but the situation
with the Bus Companies around the North of the Netherlands has been a mess for
many months now - "an accident waiting to happen" as one of the news
sites flashed yesterday - and on Wednesday a 12-year-old girl on her bicycle
was crushed by a bus and died of her injuries, her friend also got hit and was
rushed to the hospital.
This was the headline on one of the news sites that I
follow when I hear or read something about an accident, this one happened on on
of the routes that we drive as well. The major roads are crossing here on a T-junction
and the surrounding area has no narrowed corners so it is easy to overlook the
road in all directions the road is divided at the junction in two single lanes
where buses, taxis, cars are all jostling for, at best, snail's pace progress
and tempers get frayed. Cyclists and pedestrians have their own lanes but need
to cross this busy road. Somehow this crossing is dangerous as during rush hour
it is hard to cross the road. And if it is raining you want to get home if you
are on a push bike. Question to me still is: “How could they have missed
eachother.” I think over what has
happened this really is drives me crazy. She must have taken a huge risk or the
driver has been either blind or driving too fast. Whatever will be the outcome
of this accident several peoples lives have been destroyed Wednesday.
Our own correspondent the Old Sailor had a discussion
with some collegues about cyclists in the city. About how many times it ends up
in a near hit and why do people underestimate the risks by just hoping that the
motorised driver will hit the brakes. That was only telling us, ironically on
Wednesday, what a nightmare cycling youngsters on the streets of Groningen can
be, it is a hazardous environment with busses, trucks cars,mopeds and taxis.
Knowing the risks and the dangerous corners I rented a push bike and cruised
through the heart of Groningen to find out why people overestimate themselves.
In this case I have first hand experience from a recent trip through the
capital on a push bike.
The police says, "Individual fatalities are very
distressing but it is not possible to see any trend with such a small number.
Casualty stats never make sense in a single accident (but) is this not a total different
issue. Even before (this cyclist) was killed there were complaints from all
sides about the safety of cyclist and pedestrians in the city. The media has
been very quick to say all the blame should be put on the driver. Accussing him
of speeding and he probably overlooked the girls. (It looks like it is the
other way around that the girls have missed the bus in this case.
They are “bad” news in my opinion eventhough all the
good things they are publishing, but there seems to have been a failure of
organisation between the different arms in this horrible drama." As they
all want to be the first one with the breaking news whitout checking the facts.
A spokesperson on the local news said, “We were very
saddened to hear that a young cyclist died following a collision with an on
route bus on this street on 25 April. Our thoughts and sympathies are with her
family and friends at this time. We will work with the police and the bus
operating company, to fully investigate the incident.
She continued, “Accidents such as this one on
Wednesday are rare. In the past four years, three cyclists have been killed
following a collision with a bus on Groningen’s roads, despite the fact that
around half a million cycle journeys and a million bus journeys are made on these
roads every year. Nevertheless, we take every such accident very seriously and
work with the bus operating companies to ensure bus drivers are trained in how
to share road space with cyclists.”
The spokesperson concludes, "Since 2000, there
has been a 21% fall in the number of cyclists killed or seriously injured on
our roads, compared to the mid to late 1990s. At the same time, there has been
a 107% increase in the number of cycle journeys made on Groningen’s roads in
the past decade. The safety of cyclists is a huge priority for both the Mayor
and the transport companies and we are committed to making cycling as safe as
possible.
Still every incident is one too many who-ever might be
guilty in this case there are only losers in this case. Even when it might not
the drivers fault he needs to live with the fact that you have killed
someone and you have disrupted so many others lives. Live is bitch that is for
sure.
The Old Sailor,
March 1, 2012
a live at sea again?
Dear Bloggers,
I am just looking around for a job again and on my job
hunt my mind is drifting off to a job on a cruiseship, something that I did
before. The big difference with the time then is that there were no kids
involved. That would make the story a bit different. This is what my mind came
up with a mix of memories and dreams.
After my flight to the Bahamas and a night at a hotel my day started like this.
Got up this morning early, ate a quick breakfast and got a Senseo, made sure
everything was in my duffels, checked my email one last time, and got in a cab
with the details of the ship. I felt very excited and ready to get going as we
drove through the morning island traffic to the port. Upon arrival I got in a
line and was given a nametag and paperwork to start filling out. I started to
feel a little nervous and anxious as I was overwhelmed with the feeling that
there was a lot to do. It hit me that this was actually happening and I could
see all the others hugging their parents as their parents cried, and then they
would step through a door with officials.
I got to that point already two days ago and said my
goodbyes with my wife and she was crying and hugging me so tight I thought she
might never let go and then I stepped through the gate towards the guys from
customs with my bags and into a line of security, waving goodbyes behind me to
my loved ones.
And nowI waited my turn and chatted with a guy from Canada as we shuffled our bags slowly forward in a strange wharf warehouse that had all sorts of giant colorful Chinese decorations being stored in the corners, maybe for Chinese New Year. Finally it was my turn. My bags were scanned, my backpack searched, I walked through the metal detector and was wanded and searched. They loaded my bags on a truck with the rest and I was instructed to continue through a cement hallway. I entered a room where I was to hand over my passport, yellow fever vaccine information and my Bahamas immigration form. Well crap, I just had the Bahama immigration card. I panicked for a second as I realized where it was: back at the hotel. I explained what happened and they said it was not necessary, so I took a breath and moved on.
And nowI waited my turn and chatted with a guy from Canada as we shuffled our bags slowly forward in a strange wharf warehouse that had all sorts of giant colorful Chinese decorations being stored in the corners, maybe for Chinese New Year. Finally it was my turn. My bags were scanned, my backpack searched, I walked through the metal detector and was wanded and searched. They loaded my bags on a truck with the rest and I was instructed to continue through a cement hallway. I entered a room where I was to hand over my passport, yellow fever vaccine information and my Bahamas immigration form. Well crap, I just had the Bahama immigration card. I panicked for a second as I realized where it was: back at the hotel. I explained what happened and they said it was not necessary, so I took a breath and moved on.
I walked out of the dim room and out into the hot
sunny day on the dock. There it was…!! What a great looking ship! The logo
printed huge up on the smoke stacks, blue and white with all the little windows
lined up on the outside; my home for the next 185 days…WOW!
I walked all the way down the dock to the gangway
(ship entrance) I entered the dim lit gangway struggling to see after squinting
in the bright Bahamian sun. I walked through a metal detector again and was
instructed to go up the stairs. There are several decks (levels) on the ship
and I had entered on level three. As I started up the grand looking stairs I
took notice to the wood walls, nice carpet, perfectly shined metal handrails
and glass engraved with quotes hanging on the walls. I felt like I was about to
enter a fancy ballroom in a five star hotel or something.
I passed deck after deck of beautiful looking hallways
and rooms to check out later until I reached deck six. I suppose I had a
confused look on my face, because a guy introduced himself and pointed to a
table I was supposed to go to. I was in a very large room with many nice
cushioned swivel chairs all lined in rows in a half circle around a dance floor
with a piano. The ceiling had fancy woodwork as well and the drapes looked like
something from a mansion. It looked like a performance room. It was currently being
used to check in everyone who boarded the ship. I was given my Ships ID at one
table, a sheet with all of my personal info and what I still needed to do on
another, and then came up on a table that gave me a sheet of what semester at
sea trips I was already signed up for. I felt anxious again as I had no idea
this was going to happen and was not sure if I wanted more trips. So, panicked
and a little worried I signed up for an Amazon explorer trip and an African
drumming and dance workshop. I then helped my new Canadian friend look over
trips.
Proceeding around the room I talked to the ship doctor about any medical conditions and then was told my room number and that I was free to go. I think I must have looked like a deer in headlights because I just stood there for a minute not knowing what to do or where I should go first, so much to take in! OK room first, maybe my roommate would be there. So I headed back to the stairs and headed down to the third deck. I was so lost. I walked the hallway again and then felt like an idiot, haha this is only half of the ship and there are no even numbers in this hallway, I’m on the other side. So I went to the correct never ending hallway of wooden walls and doors and found my new bedroom door.
My name was posted next to it. Above mine was my
roommate’s: Andrew Thompson, Texas. My heart sank. Great, I have a high
maintenance Texan for a roommate. I immediately stopped myself, “Jake don’t
stereotype, he is probably very nice and you will become good friends and it
will work out great!” So with that I opened the door with my new ID, which did
not look like me and confused everyone because I still had long hair in the ID
picture, and dragged my duffels that had been conveniently placed in front of
my door into my new cabin.
Empty; he wasn’t on the ship yet. My cabin was very
nice, placed in the direct center of the ship where there is the least rocking.
There are two small twin beds on either side. We each have a small three-drawer
bedside table and share a little glass table and chair, a built in vanity/desk
and chair, a built into the wall mini TV and fridge with three drawers
underneath. The closet is maybe four feet long with shoe racks at the bottom
and a side shelving area with six shelves. I thought it was incredibly nice
looking and spacious given the small area and my expectations. Opposite the
closet is a tiny bathroom, just big enough for a small toilet, sink and a
shower. Well I wasn’t expecting that at all, so YAY for personal bathrooms! I
like it! The window is bigger then I expected too! I was too excited to learn
more about this fancy ship, so I left unpacking to be done later and went
exploring.
I decided I wanted to wander on every deck from front
to back of the ship and see where everything was. Deck two through four I
discovered are only rooms, besides the restricted areas. Just long
forever-going narrow hallways of doors with name tags and fancy wood doors. On
deck five I started at the front of the ship and walked towards the back
discovering that there were still some rooms with bigger hallways and bigger
doors that were spread further apart, probably nicer bigger rooms for some guys
and girls with a higher rank. Also on this floor was a circular open area,
where there are bulletin boards of information and several desks and the main
info/pursers desk. Some of the bulletin boards have pictures of everyone on the
ship with their name. (something we called the muppet show on the ferries.) In
the center was a big open circle where you could look up to the next level.
Continuing there were more rooms and the hallway eventually turned a corner and
opened up into the entrance to the main dining hall. The dining hall was very
nice.
It looked like a ballroom fancy dinner restaurant with
mirrors on the ceilings encircling big glass chandelier. Windows around the
entire room with a view of the ocean made for the perfect dinning experience
around the big oval tables with soft blue chairs. Near the entrance was an
island table that looked like a bar. Just outside the dining hall were also
doors to outside decks, which I explored and found lifeboats and beautiful
views off the ships side of the city of Nassau.
Going back inside I noticed two conferencerooms on the side of the garden lounge. I continued out and walked down a hallway past the stairs and into an amazing place called the piano bar. This ship was way too nice to have been built for only a few passengers! No wonder this ships cruise were so expensive. Filled with tables, comfy chairs, couches, a piano and a nice sized snack bar with all the candies, coffee, chips and cup noodles you could ever want.
The messroom, wow. The perfect place to sit on your
computer, read and do some work in the evenings, maybe even play some games
with friends. Down the hallway a little further was the diningroom for us. The
room was fairly small so I knew my breaks wouldn’t be all that big; hurray for
small breaks and more coffee and tea moments it makes the days shorter in a
way.
Then I stumbled across something I had heard was on the ship but wasn’t sure would be as nice as they were. There are three little shops all in a circle in the hallway. One is a merchandise store, one a tiny bookstore and the other a supply store of pens, notebooks, lanyards and small tubes of shampoo and sunscreen, basically tons of miniature things that people may run out of or have forgotten. I immediately promised myself not to spend too much money on anything in these stores because the prices of all extra food and merchandise is twice that of stores on land.
Then I stumbled across something I had heard was on the ship but wasn’t sure would be as nice as they were. There are three little shops all in a circle in the hallway. One is a merchandise store, one a tiny bookstore and the other a supply store of pens, notebooks, lanyards and small tubes of shampoo and sunscreen, basically tons of miniature things that people may run out of or have forgotten. I immediately promised myself not to spend too much money on anything in these stores because the prices of all extra food and merchandise is twice that of stores on land.
Back in the square, I was now on the top floor and
could look down on the desks. Upstairs on either side of the circle was the
ship library with a few rows of computers. I walked past another room with
desks and looks like a card room. To get up to the final deck I had to go back
to the garden lounge and up the stairs. Deck seven is apparently only
accessible to our passengers on the back half of the ship, but what I found was
really cool!! The outside deck was covered in sun lounge chairs and tables with
chairs. In the direct middle was a small pool about 5 feet deep with the logo at
the bottom. At the very back of the deck under the canvas canopy was an even
bigger snack bar with a grill! They make smoothies, ice cream, cookies, pizza,
hamburgers, grilled cheese and had all of the same delicious snacks the other
bar did. Of course the snack bars all cost extra compared to our already paid
for meals in the dining rooms, though I bet they will be a nice change to have
now and then when the dining room food gets old.
To the side of all of this were weights and all of the common work out equipment. Continuing around the outside of the ship on this deck there were outside basketball courts and volleyball courts all netted in. There were places for all sorts of activities and exercise. Continuing inside I found something crazy!! There is a wellness center on this ship, which includes a salon to get your hair cut and your nails done, a spa to get massages, facials and waxes. And of course a workout room with treadmills, stair masters, bikes and ellipticals. I couldn’t believe this was here as this ship is not that big, but I guess it could come in handy. Lastly I learned that the health center was back on deck two and that deck one was off limits due to it containing storage and all of the ships workings. Deck eight (where the bridge is located) is also off limits, except for the one viewing deck where you can look out over the front of the ship.
Done exploring, I decided to go unpack so I didn’t have to think about it later. I went back to my room to find my new roommate sitting on the bed crying. We introduced ourselves and I asked her what was wrong. He was just in shock and was having a really hard time leaving the family behind. Turns out I can remember the feeling from many years ago. He is a very nice guy who does not fit the stereotype I had placed at all. We got to know each other for a short amount of time until he decided he wanted some air and left. While he was gone I unpacked. I realized that he had more full luggage then I did so I gave him a bit of extra space since I did not need it. I took half the closet, two shelves and one drawer so that he had plenty of room. I put my magnets and few photos up on the walls, along with my magnetic calendar, placed toiletries in a portion of the cabinet under the sink and determined what I would be using least and left it in my duffels which I flattened and rolled under the bed.
I jumped up as a loud voice boomed over the speakers that I had forgotten that they existed. “Good afternoon and welcome aboard. At this point all passengers have boarded. The ship was originally scheduled to depart within the hour, There will be an emergency lifeboat drill in ten minutes. Please look at the card on the back of your door to locate your muster station. Please wear warm clothing, close-toed shoes, a hat and your life vest from your cabin and convene at your muster station. This is a drill, but please take it seriously, wear the proper clothing and remain quiet at your station while attendance is taken. Thank you.” So I changed into the proper clothing and got the life vest out of my closet. When the signal was made everyone flooded out of their rooms like a herd of cattle down the hallways. Moving up the stairs was slow. Everyone flooded out onto the outside decks at their specified muster stations. It looked pretty strange and reminded me of the good old days on the ferry as the bright blue decks were covered with people organized in orange life vests. Once everyone was accounted for a hush went over the crowd as the captain of the ship walked all decks inspecting that everyone was properly prepared and everything set to go with other high status crewmembers following behind. All was clear and we were free to go.
Later in the evening we had a ship wide meeting to introduce and welcome everyone to the ship. I learned that this ship is 590ft long, is the fastest ship of its size in the world traveling a maximum of 28 knots or 32 miles an hour. The maximum capacity of the ship is 836 people but on this voyage there are 780. 570 of them are passengers, 70 are crew to sail the ship and 140 are staffmembers to serve the passengers, They also mentioned that the ship was very sustainable, but I have no idea how. But i will probably find this out during the journey. Now it is time to go to sleep on the light rocking waves. Maybe my dreams will become real one day.
The Old Sailor,
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