Workplace bullying might end up as Complex PTSD

 

Dear Bloggers,

As some of you might know that my wife is suffering from Complex PTSD caused by her managers over a period of three years and then something in her brain just snapped. Since this event she has been in therapy and until today there is no way to cure her fully. This means that there are no opportunities for her to do any kind of job. As there are to many triggers out there and she might be harmful towards other people. Instead of working she is going two mornings in a week to a farm with care for people with mental challenges and she is learning to do some light tasks and learns to ride a horse.

Complex PTSD is a traumatic experience due to workplace bullying or sexual abuse. But as more attention is paid to these kinds of experiences and exactly what they can do to victims, we are beginning to understand more about this condition. And this increased understanding should, in turn, give hope to the hundreds of people who find themselves subjected to workplace bullying every day.

Because the victims of C-PTSD do exhibit some of the same symptoms seen in standard PTSD, it can easily be misdiagnosed. But C-PTSD sufferers also exhibit some other symptoms that are more specific to the condition. These can include difficulties regulating emotions such as prolonged sadness, inability to control your temper or inhibited temper, and even suicidal thoughts. My wife became a victim of workplace bullying by her manager.

Other symptoms of complex PTSD include either forgetting or consistently reliving traumatic events; feeling detached from your own body and thoughts; overwhelming feelings of helplessness, shame, guilt or stigma; a distorted perception of the bully. Workplace bullying is so much more than just making your job more difficult. It is a very real form of abuse that can undermine a person’s entire sense of well-being.

By understanding the realities of C-PTSD, we can begin to break through the wall that surrounds workplace bullying and begin to let victims know that they are not alone and healing is very much possible. It will not work after three years of constant abuse at the certain point you might just snap.

Just an example of what you encounter with a partner with C-PTSD

All of a sudden a loud scream and she is sitting straight up in our bed her heart is pounding, I am fully awake at 2 am. She is totally panic-stricken and consumed with terror in her eyes. And mumbles: “He is throwing me out of a window”.

Our bedroom is quiet. There are no intruders, only our faithful hairy friends Fedde and Heiko are standing on the other side of the bedroom door.

I wonder if her loud screaming has scared any of our children.

After 5 minutes, maybe 10 minutes as I lie in a snoozing mode again, I feel her and she is terrified in our darkened room. I try to decide if I should call a doctor to give her something to calm her down… perhaps I’m having it wrong and is it only just a bad dream. I am both afraid and confused. I know that it is safe in our bedroom, that there is no immediate threat, but her body and emotions are hijacked, and without my consent I find her immersed in past horrifying events.

Thankfully I do know now, from more than 8 years of experience, that a panic attack will eventually pass.

It feels like it’s going to kill her, but it won’t. but her body and emotions are hijacked, and without my consent I find her immersed in past horrifying events. I have to wait it out.

PTSD is typically the result of a specific, horrifying event, Complex PTSD is the consequence of numerous traumatic events, over a longer period of time. CPTSD is frequently caused by childhood abuse and neglect or, in my wife’s case, being trapped for many years in a very abusive workplace.

Complex PTSD and PTSD share symptoms, but there are some symptoms unique to CPTSD. If you are interested in a somewhat detailed list of symptoms for both PTSD and CPTSD, you can scroll to end of this post.

When I look objectively at the symptoms of PTSD and Complex PTSD, I can check off 99% of them (anger isn’t a symptom for her and also low self esteem has never been an issue) but still she tries to live in denial that she has CPTSD… until she is triggered and panicking so badly that she is struggling to speak’

Every morning she is waking up and begins her day with limited emotional energy. Our children are priority so she does everything to work around her limitations with PTSD to be available for them. She carefully plans her day tasks and she is trying to avoid crowds when she has to go to the shop.

One crowded, overwhelming event can sideline her for several days afterwards, so she is choosing her activities carefully, mindful of the probable fallout.

Still, 8 1/2 years after escaping her abusive managers, she still has nightmares and panic attacks. She is having huge gaps in her memories of the past years.

CPTSD is basically an emotional injury ~ an invisible illness. Since it isn’t as tangible as a broken bone I frequently have to remind her that living so much of her life being on “high alert” and in “panic mode” is both emotionally and physically exhausting.

According to my wife: “For me, being triggered causes a level of overwhelm that is very difficult to describe. Research done by PTSD patients has shown that when someone with PTSD is triggered and panics, the right half of the brain “takes over” and the logical, thinking left side of the brain is sometimes almost totally “shuts down.” When this happens to me it becomes almost impossible for me to speak and I can’t think. All I am aware of is the panic and a desperate need to hide. If I were walking with someone else, we would have to stop talking until the truck has passed because there would be no way to hear each other over the noise of the truck. For the minutes that the truck is roaring past, there is only the truck. I am totally consumed by the noise and vibrations of the passing truck. 

I’ve been told repeatedly that in many ways my situation was (and continues to be) somewhat extreme and unique. I am still struggling and doing little steps forward.”

There’s no way around it: PTSD sucks. There are ways that she has improved a lot in the past 8 years though. I can now write about it here on my blog. As horrible as CPTSD is, I want you to know this: there is still joy in the midst of the struggle.

I still laugh with my children. We have so much fun together. Our girls love to make us laugh… it’s become a bit of a competition between them to see who can show the funniest memes each day.

I have been blessed with two Shetland Sheepdogs, one of them is being a service dog for me. They bring all of us so much joy. Truthfully, I am not sure that She’ll ever will totally “conquer” her CPTSD but she is slowly but surely learning to manage it.

Instead of actively working she is trying to learn new ways to heal and better manage the symptoms of PTSD while she embraces her weakness and struggles. Many people do recover from PTSD and even CPTSD. There are numerous healing resources to explore. Perhaps you are also in the thick of PTSD or CPTSD.

CPTSD is a more severe form of Post-traumatic stress disorder. It is delineated from this better known trauma syndrome by five of its most common and troublesome features: emotional flashbacks, toxic shame, self-abandonment, a vicious inner critic and social anxiety.

• CPTSD emotional flashbacks do not typically have a visual component. Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feelings of past abuse/abandonment.
• Fatigue with symptoms of or similar to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
• Numbness, both physical (toes, fingertips, and lips) and emotional (inability to feel love and joy)
• Clumsiness
• Hyperawareness and an acute sense of time passing, seasons changing, and distances travelled
• Feelings of worthlessness, rejection, a sense of being unwanted, unlikeable and unlovable
• Social isolation, avoidance of relationships
• night terrors, chronic insomnia
• Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e. Psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.
• explosive or extremely inhibited anger (may alternate)
• Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

 

If I could share one thing with you it would be this: please be gentle and take care of  yourself.

The Old Sailor,

The Silent Abuse or the Mind Game

Dear Bloggers,

Today I will write about what is happening in my neighborhood to a person that I love. But her boss is an absolute ….. and a bully from the high end. He is probably brought up with this behavior as he is from a total different culture as the Western European one. He really knows how to bring someone down and abuse them until they are leaving.

Crazy enough the company gives them a free hand to play their game unless someone stands up to him and complains. We have all suffered many forms of abuse during your school time  or at work or even maybe at home but the least talked about is “The mind game” otherwise known as the silent treatment, 

Deliberately ignored to cause harm to another person’s mental well-being, sent to Coventry and it’s one of the most harmful methods of abuse used by abusers who feel that: “If they do not use their hands to physically abuse then it isn’t abuse.”

Wrong way of thinking, I would say.

It is abuse to ignore some ones needs emotionally and make them feel worthless and depressed and will cause long term damage that in many cases can lead to the victims’ physical health being harmed.

To deliberately cause harm to someone by use of the silent treatment, deny a person any emotional care, deny them any praise, starve them of love, affection, compliments, positive feedback, to regularly reject, degrade and deny a person any emotional responsiveness and to ignore a person’s needs is mental abuse or also known as psychological abuse.

It is repetitive abuse that’s aimed at controlling, diminishing another person’s well-being in order to hurt, punish, harm or control them. The silent abuser is able to switch himself off emotionally to the pain and suffering he is causing his victim and will deny he is the problem and he may tell himself or others that he is the victim.

You will stop being a victim when you become the abuser

The abuser is capable of closing down all reasonable sense of emotions and turn into a cold heart very fast as he withdraws into his own world without any care for his victim’s distress.

The abuser will behave in society charming, calm, happy, he will be seen by others as a pillar of society, gentle natured, helpful, kind, caring and fool the outside world into thinking he is abused and his partner is the abuser. This is classic for a mental abuser. They will have their partner labelled as a mental case whilst he plays the victim and saint and makes her the subject of every ones rejection by labelling her with an unbalanced mind.

The true victim will be further rejected not only by her abuser but also by his friends, work colleagues, family and others he is likely to meet. The abuser needs to feel in control and he will seek constant approval from those around him and convince them that he’s the true victim. They will offer him advice and he will feed off their pity which will make him feel even more in control as he plays the victim.

The true victims may withdraw from all social activities, work, stop seeing family, they stop being fun, will see everything in a negative light, stop eating which is the start of dangerous health issues, cry alone, send text terror messages as a means to fight back which only gives the abuser more ammunition to abuse her with as he will use that as a further excuse to ignore and make her look bad in front of others.

The abuser will happily share the text messages because he wants everyone to see him as the victim. The true victim will stop functioning on all levels as the mind games take over her life. She will find it hard to think of anything else but what is happening to her. The victim will fight with her own mind and struggle to work out if she is being abused or is she truly the problem. The victim may start behaving irrationally from the stress caused by the mental abuse.

Mental abuse is not normally seen by anyone on the outside looking in because they see the abuser as a strong, calm, caring and sincere person and will not be able to see the true character behind the person in front of them that they think they know so well.

Do you really know the person standing next to you?

Out of all the abuse I suffered the one part of the abuse I have always struggled with is the “being ignored” because when I begged for the abuser to stop no one listened. The more I was ignored the more it built up an extreme and unlikely intolerance for being “ignored” which has stayed with me as an adult. I left care with that intolerance to the ugly side of human nature that sees many people misuse the silent treatment to harm others.

Some justify this behavior and kid themselves that it’s in some way an honorable stance to take. Ignoring someone briefly when done to express dissatisfaction is very different to the silent treatment. To ignore someone as a regular means to punish, hurt or upset someone as payback or for whatever reason, it is in my opinion and the opinions of experts to be considered one of the worst forms of mental abuse that exists in human nature. It causes irreparable damage to a person’s mind and will see the victim’s behavior change slowly but noticeably when it’s out of control by others who are close.

There are times the abuse continues and the victims show now outward signs to those who are close whilst the mental abuser gets to witness the dramatic and extreme behavior change in direct response to his/her mental abuse in the “silent treatment”.

The silent treatment is a form of punishment and control and the person using it to harm another feels a lack of care and cannot or will not communicate as she/he watches the victim slowly deteriorate from being a lively happy and fun person into becoming withdrawn, reclusive or maybe verbally aggressive to the abuser in a vain bid to stop the abuse of the mind.

The person dishing out the “silent treatment is FULLY aware of the damage they are doing and they are FULLY aware that all they need to do to stop it is to simply talk to the victim. The abuser will not talk to the victim and when he does he will constantly lead the victim into a false sense of security at leisure. Then ignore again.

The abuser will provoke any situation with silence which triggers off the victim who can never work out what has happened to warrant more silent treatment and again the victim finds himself/herself fighting desperately with the abuser in a vain bid to stop her/him giving the silent treatment all over again.

The victim’s behavior can change so dramatically he/she is hardly recognized as being the same person. Every time the silent treatment begins the victim is pulled further and further down and the abuser sits back and carries on with daily chores blatantly ignoring the victim whom is obviously so distressed that no normal thinking individual person could sit back and watch such a shocking display of suffering.

The victim may withdraw completely, stop talking i.e. friends, stop socializing, stop eating, start drinking, stop working, start text terrorism against the abuser as a defense mechanism of protection but it never works, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and that’s just a few of the side effects of a victim suffering from mental abuse.

The “silent treatment” otherwise named as “deliberate intent to ignore” or “Attachment” which means absent to cause harm which is where an abuser completely cuts the victim off and the abuser will not budge. They often acknowledge in their own minds that the victim is suffering but do nothing about it and walk away and simply ignore it.

The latter is a very dangerous form of mental abuse.

I have often heard stories of men ignoring their partner after causing her such distress that she has taken to self-harm or attempt to take her own life from where the mental abuse has weakened her once strong mind into a nerve wrecking display of self-doubt and depression. The abuser will hear her calls of desperation and he will empty himself of all emotions and walk away. He will show no emotions as she tries to take her own life. He will convince himself that she deserves it for hurting his feelings by trying to fight back. 

It’s not often friends get to witness the mental abuse of the systematic silent treatment from a partner because it is silent but in some cases friends will witness erratic behavior of the victim and they can’t quite understand what’s going on because the victim will blame everything but her abusive partner. It is rare anyone on the outside of the relationship sees the suffering of the victim as the abuse often like most forms of abuse stays “within the immediate relationship”. The male abusers friends will only see this charming friend they all love because he will do anything for them but seldom do his friends or family witness what he is doing to his partner. They will only see the abusers partner’s displays of distress.

The “silent treatment, ignoring or Attachment treatment” abuser is fully aware of their actions and fully aware they are causing a significant amount of harm to the victim in most cases but there are those who do believe they are the victim. The victim may at times have the odd outburst in front of others or in a public place. The abuser will then inform his family of every little thing his victim partner does as he seeks refuge and portrays himself as the victim in need of support because he has a totally “maniac” partner whose lost the plot.

This form of mental abuse is often used by the man more so than a woman. It is still a common thing in many cultures were man and woman are not seen as equals.

Eventually once the victim has been totally broken down by the mental abuser she will give up fighting back and beg for forgiveness and beg the abusive partner to forgive her. She may well go to the extremes to try and make it up to her man because she has been broken in and is now under his mind control. The man will continue to use this method of mind control and ignore, use the silent treatment or attachment tactics until his partner has been totally exhausted, feels totally helpless and it opens her up to being controlled so the man gets what he wants.

Sadly this form of abuse has seen the deaths of women who self-harmed or attempted suicide as a cry for help and those cries for help ignored by the abuser and have resulted in her death.

Self-harm - deliberate cutting or mutilation of one’s own body including rip hair out, stop eating, stop going out, withdraw from society, cut off their hair, stay in bed, over eat or attempt suicide.

The reason I am touching on this subject is because I found on the Internet a number of women who are going through this same process right now with their partners or have just left such an abusive relationship and sit in silence blaming them-selves.

I also want to touch on this subject because I am a survivor of abusive behavior during my army days and I myself have gone through the mental health process and contrary to what people believe, I still cannot stand people that are not open to me. All because of one lunatic guy my life has changed as I don't trust a lot of people. And still it is not easy to write about this as the guy who attacked me with a combat knife had totally lost his mind. And yes I have been lucky that my mates saved me that day. I got counselling and the attacker got fired.

Let me go back where I was. Men who have been abused as children physically, sexually or mentally or suffered abuse by a parent due to the damaging effects are well known for using the “silent treatment, ignoring and attachment methods to punish and control their partners. These men will convince themselves they are not abusing because they haven’t physically hit the woman and he will convince her he’s very good to her by not saying anything.

He will almost always convince himself he’s the victim and show no remorse at all for the suffering he is causing by punishing and controlling someone he claims to love. These men are often found to not contribute to the relationship they are in and show little or no care or respect for his partner and will continue to expect her to hold the entire relationship together all by herself whilst he laps up the comfort of control and does nothing to help contribute or support the relationship. He will not show emotions when challenged or he may eventually turn to violence.

Regardless of the circumstances, mental abuse and the negative power of the “silent treatment, being deliberately ignored or the attachment abuse is never the less very damaging for those on the receiving end and needs to be address by either the abuser entering therapy or for the victim to leave the situation.

If the man recognizes he’s an abuser he can seek help from a professional help. The victim must seek professional help to get out of such an abusive relationship before she is so worn down it will diminish her life slowly but surely.

When does the silent abuse turn into physical abuse? 

The Old Sailor,

Stop bullying as it absolutely useless

Dear Bloggers,


My daughter is being bullied at school and what I think is a strange side effect. The victim is paid attention to but there is nothing done to tne source. My wife had enough of the not do anything attitude of the teacher and schoolboard. So she kicked in when my daughter told that it has started again. Maybe it was not the right way to do it, but it looks like we are finally getting somewhere although it is a bit late. If you don’t stop or remove the one that bullies it is that he or she will find a next victim as they don’t care as long as they have the power. Start with taking the one that bullies apart to see where his or her life went wrong. Maybe he or she is the one that is cornered at home. It sounds too me that there is only eye for the victim and not for the source isn’t this the same as trying to extinguish a fire with petrol.

What is bullying?

Bullying is abusive behavior by one or more students against a victim or victims. It can be a direct attack -- teasing, taunting, threatening, stalking, name-calling, hitting, making threats, coercion, and stealing -- or more subtle through malicious gossiping, spreading rumors, and intentional exclusion. Both result in victims becoming socially rejected and isolated.

Boys tend to use physical intimidation or threats, regardless of the gender of their victims. Bullying by girls is more often verbal, usually with another girl as the target. Cyber-bullying by both boys and girls -- in online chat rooms, e-mail, and text-messaging -- is increasing.

Bullying is a common experience for many children and teens. Direct bullying seems to increase through the elementary school years, peak in the middle school/junior high school years, and decline during the high school years. Although direct physical assault seems to decrease with age, verbal abuse appears to remain constant.

Whether the bullying is direct or indirect, the key component of bullying is physical or psychological intimidation that occurs repeatedly over time to create an ongoing pattern of harassment and abuse.

Who bullies?

Students who engage in bullying behaviors seem to have a need to feel powerful and in control. They appear to derive satisfaction from inflicting injury and suffering on others, seem to have little empathy for their victims, and often defend their actions by saying that their victims provoked them in some way.

Bullies often come from homes in which physical punishment is used, where striking out physically is a way to handle problems, and where parental involvement and warmth are frequently lacking.
Students who regularly display bullying behaviors are generally defiant or oppositional toward adults, antisocial, and apt to break school rules.

Bullies appear to have little anxiety and to possess strong self-esteem. There is little evidence to support the contention that bullies victimize others because they feel bad about themselves.

Chronic bullies seem to continue their behaviors into adulthood, negatively influencing their ability to develop and maintain positive relationships, and can experience legal or criminal troubles as adults.

Bystanders also play a role in bullying:

· the assistant who joins the bully

· the re-enforcer who encourages the bully by observing and laughing

· outsiders who avoid the bullying by staying away and not getting involved for fear of losing social status or being bullied as well

If you suspect your child is bullying others, it's important to seek help for him or her as soon as possible. Without intervention, bullying can lead to serious academic, social, emotional and legal difficulties. Talk to your child's pediatrician, teacher, principal, school counselor, or family physician. If the bullying continues, a comprehensive evaluation by a mental health profesional should be arranged. The evaluation can help you and your child understand what is causing the bullying, and help you develop a plan to stop the destructive behavior.

Who gets bullied?

Victims of bullying may be anxious, insecure, and cautious and suffer from low self-esteem, rarely defending themselves or retaliating when confronted by students who bully them. They may lack social skills and friends and thus are often already socially isolated. Victims tend to be close to their parents and may have parents who can be described as overprotective.

Victims of bullies often fear school and consider it to be an unsafe and unhappy place. Victims will often stay home 'sick' rather than go to school or travel on the school camps.

Victims experience real suffering that can interfere with their social and emotional development, as well as their school performance. Some victims of bullying have attempted suicide rather than continue to endure such harassment and abuse. Other victims have taken out their anger, and frustration in violence. Most of the young people who have caused school-related-violent-deaths, have been victims of bullying. Experts, pointing to such tragic events as Columbine, agree that bullying can lead to serious violence, including murder and suicide.

Also adults can face these problems

If you suspect your child may be the victim of bullying ask him or her to tell you what's going on. It's important to respond in a positive and accepting manner. Let your child know it's not his or her fault, and that he or she did the right thing by telling you. Ask your child what he or she thinks should be done. What's already been tried? What worked and what didn't? Help your child practice what to say to the bully so he or she will be prepared the next time.

Other specific suggestions include the following:

· Know the school policies that protect students from harassment, bullying, and physical violence. All students have the right to a safe and secure learning environment. Get copies of these policies and procedures.

· Seek help from your child's teacher, the school guidance counselor, and school administrators -- and hold them accountable for following school policy. Most bullying occurs on playgrounds, in lunchrooms or in unsupervised halls. Ask the school administrators to find out about programs other schools and communities have used to help combat bullying, such as peer mediation, conflict resolution, anger management training, and increased adult supervision.

· Notify the police if your child is assaulted. Get a restraining order so that the bully is required by law to have no contact with your child.

· If school officials and the police do not follow policy or laws, take legal action

If your child becomes withdrawn, depressed, reluctant to go to school, or if you see a decline in school performance, additional consultation or intervention may be required.

A menthal health professional can help your child and family and the school develop a strategy to deal with the bullying. Seeking professional assistance earlier can lessen the risk of lasting emotional consequences for your child.

Why don't young people tell adults?

Students typically feel that adult intervention is infrequent and ineffective and that telling adults will only bring more harassment from bullies. Shortly sad telling someone means more pain. Students are also reluctant to tell teachers or school staff as many adults view bullying as a harmless rite of passage that is best ignored unless verbal and psychological intimidation crosses the line into physical assault or theft.

What can adults do to stop the bullying?

Combating bullying is a mission that requires cooperation between everyone involved. Parents, the school, and the community must work together to stop bullying. A comprehensive intervention plan that involves all students, parents, and school staff can help ensure that all students can learn in a safe and fear-free environment.

This can include school surveys on bullying to identify the problem, awareness campaigns in schools, libraries, and recreation centers, and a school climate where bullying is not tolerated (educational programs, peer counseling, whole-school policies, classroom rules, cooperative learning activities, increased supervision during lunch and recess).

If your child is a victim of bullying try to see the signals they will give by changes in behaviour for example and talk to your child to find out what might have gone wrong. Straight away talk to the teacher to make them aware of the problem. We talked about the problems my daughter faces and due to her low self-esteem she will start with practising the martial art of Judo. My daughter is a victim of intentional exclusion in her class. She is facing this together with another girl in her class. None of the kids in her class dares to stand up to the bully as they believe that he is the powerful one and tells that he is not afraid of anyone. (Hitler had a same kind of mental disorder, so the bully might get somewhere.)

Judo not only for boys

Luckely she has not been assaulted in a physical way and to prevent that she will be a victim later in her life. Make sure that your child starts to find new ways to make new friends in school as long as they feel safe and happy the rest will change step by step. As a parent stand up for the rights of your child. At least she can defend herself. About one thing I am quite happy that it does not effect her learning process. Yes bullying is from all times. But people that bully are normally not the sharpest knives in the kitchendrawer. (I would rather call them low lives.)

At least I will try to have respect for every living creature.

The Old Sailor,