Trying to find closure

 

Dear Bloggers,

 

“This wasn’t supposed to happen! Tell me why this has happened!” These are the spoken words of countless bereaved parents and boy or girlfriends that had a great day out in the old town of Brugge. Travelling by ship to the main land of Belgium. Townsend Thoresen was well known by lorry drivers and regular travelers that numerously crossed the channel with these ships throughout numerous years mostly foot passengers travelled for one pound due to an ad in The Sun — a never-ending and always present wound in the Souls of those who have buried their loved ones. After nearly 38 years, I returned to the place where the disaster with the Herald of Free Enterprise occurred. And the moment will never leave your brain many first responders have still some mental scars from this.

 

Disasters such as hurricanes, earthquakes, transportation accidents, or wildfires are typically unexpected, sudden, and overwhelming. For many people, there are no outwardly visible signs of physical injury, but there can be nonetheless an emotional toll. It is common for people who have experienced disaster to have strong emotional reactions. Understanding responses to distressing events can help you cope effectively with your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, and help you along the path to recovery. And we are easily forgetting about the rescue teams that have to live with all the things they have seen and heard. The endless sounds of sirens and alarms that are going of constantly. These memories are hard to deal with for many and some of them cannot cope afterwards and get mentally stuck and some even take their own lives.

What are common reactions and responses to disaster?

Following disaster, people frequently feel stunned, disoriented or unable to integrate distressing information. Once these initial reactions subside, people can experience a variety of thoughts and behaviors. Common responses can be:

• Intense or unpredictable feelings. You may be anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, or grief-stricken. You may also feel more irritable or moody than usual.
• Changes to thoughts and behavior patterns. You might have repeated and vivid memories of the event. These memories may occur for no apparent reason and may lead to physical reactions such as rapid heartbeat or sweating. It may be difficult to concentrate or make decisions. Sleep and eating patterns also can be disrupted—some people may overeat and oversleep, while others experience a loss of sleep and loss of appetite.
• Sensitivity to environmental factors. Sirens, loud noises, burning smells, or other environmental sensations may stimulate memories of the disaster creating heightened anxiety. These “triggers” may be accompanied by fears that the stressful event will be repeated.
• Strained interpersonal relationships. Increased conflict, such as more frequent disagreements with family members and coworkers, can occur. You might also become withdrawn, isolated, or disengaged from your usual social activities.
• Stress-related physical symptoms. Headaches, nausea, and chest pain may occur and could require medical attention. Preexisting medical conditions could be affected by disaster-related stress.

How do I cope with this?

Fortunately, research shows that most people are resilient and over time are able to bounce back from tragedy. It is common for people to experience stress in the immediate aftermath, but within a few months most people are able to resume functioning as they did prior to the disaster. It is important to remember that resilience and recovery are the norm, not prolonged distress. There are a number of steps you can take to build emotional well-being and gain a sense of control following a disaster, including the following:

Give yourself time to adjust. Anticipate that this will be a difficult time in your life. Allow yourself to mourn the losses you have experienced and try to be patient with changes in your emotional state.

Ask for support from people who care about you and who will listen and empathize with your situation. Social support is a key component to disaster recovery. Family and friends can be an important resource. You can find support and common ground from those who've also survived the disaster. You may also want to reach out to others not involved who may be able to provide greater support and objectivity.

Communicate your experience. Express what you are feeling in whatever ways feel comfortable to you—such as talking with family or close friends, keeping a diary, or engaging in a creative activity (e.g., drawing, molding clay, etc.).

Find a local support group led by appropriately trained and experienced professionals. Support groups are frequently available for survivors. Group discussion can help you realize that you are not alone in your reactions and emotions. Support group meetings can be especially helpful for people with limited personal support systems.

Establish or reestablish routines. This can include eating meals at regular times, sleeping and waking on a regular cycle, or following an exercise program. Build in some positive routines to have something to look forward to during these distressing times, like pursuing a hobby, walking through an attractive park or neighborhood, or reading a good book.

When should I seek professional help?

If you notice persistent feelings of distress or hopelessness and you feel like you are barely able to get through your daily responsibilities and activities, consult with a licensed mental health professional such as a psychologist. Psychologists are trained to help people address emotional reactions to disaster such as disbelief, stress, anxiety, and grief and make a plan for moving forward. To find a psychologist in your area, I did work on myself over more than 35 years. Lately I went for psychological help and I went back to where it all happened. 37 years after there are hardly any traces left of the things that have been printed in my brain forever. The night before I went there my brain was going back to the dark and cold night on the 6^th of March.

The searchlights in he sky and the screaming and crying people in the helicopters and ambulances. The Belgian army guys and firefighters and the Red Cross people who all worked with everything in their powers. It was like a bad and totally crazy movie in my head and I was in doubt if I should go there. Somehow there was something that calmed me down and told me this will bring you towards closure.

It will still take some time before I can say this is over. 

Although slowly but surely I will get there.

 

The Old Sailor,

The scars on my soul are telling a story

Dear Bloggers,

I'm having trouble working out where I am and who I am. Somehow, this isn't disturbing, it's simply puzzling to me. I'm in a puzzle and need to put together the clues to work out what this is all about.

Images are popping up in my mind and somehow the pictures are mixed up and there are people who have never been there before and that makes it complicated. I'm sitting in the centre of a row of beige plastic chairs. When I turn my head, I realise that my wife,is sitting next to me. A ring of beige chairs also lines the walls. Other people, scattered around the room, are sitting here with worried faces some of them are crying or looking down and shuffling their feet. I get the feeling that they don't want to be here.

A beeping sound is coming from somewhere. To my right, people are moving through an automatic door. I look up and see a young woman behind a glass window. She seems to be mentally losing it, as they just confirmed that her boyfriend has died in the chaos that is out there, and her dark hair hasn't been brushed recently. She's on the phone and taking notes. All of a sudden a few people show up to me and I realize that I can not see there faces and I frown when they approach me, as I don't really want to speak to them. I am not the one that should give them answers, I send them over to the other side of the room and I see them sitting down with the policeman who has a copy of the passenger list and they are being desperate for good news.

We seem to be in some sort of waiting room, but I don't know why. I am wearing my military camouflage uniform sitting with my helmet in my hands. We are sitting in a sports hall which has been decorated as a waiting area with here and there a few tables where policemen are trying to give as good and as bad information . For most of the survivors the waiting is hell.

The sunlight is slanting through the windows on the far wall is soft; it must be the morning light, then. My dear God we have been here for hours and still they are bringing people in. Local cops, people from the Red Cross and other persons like psychotherapists, priests,ministers. The major is running the operation. And our duty has been taken over by the own countries army and we are waiting to get the clearance that we can go back to our base

In one corner of the room, on a low table, there are piles of magazines. I walk over to pick up a crying girl and then sit down with her again. This is a young woman I guess in her late teens or early twenties approximately my own age but she has lost everyone that she was with. My heart breaks when I see her and send my buddy to find someone to comfort her. As for us it's about time to leave.

Off to my left, a child is whining. I turn to see a man and a woman, both big, with a girl aged four or five. They look tired, as parents do when they've been up during the night with a grumpy and worn out child. Soon I am absorbed by their interactions; it's like watching a show. The father lifts the girl on to his lap, looking strained. The mother holds up a children's book, reading to her. The child listens for a while, fidgets, and cries again. The mother tries to interest her in one of the toys from a box in the corner, but it doesn't work. Now I know what this is like; I'm a parent, too. They're doing their best in this bad situation.

How did I get to this room? A fragment comes into my mind, a dreamlike image of driving us to the chaotic scene and me being impressed by the sea hawk helicopters that are flying on and off. It is what I can see from our military vehicle window. Did this really happen, or am I imagining it?

I turn to my wife and see that she's crying quietly: her cheeks are pink; the rims of her eyes are red. She's sad about something, but I don't know what. I put my arm around her shoulder and pat her gently. "It'll be all right," I say. She quiets a little. All the other things are in some kind of blurred image. And I wander what her problem is, somehow I cannot reach her. It is a disturbing feeling and I feel powerless. How in the hell can I help her when I am in this state of mind.

As we sit there, I feel as if I'm in a sound bubble, into which the surrounding noises don't intrude. The crying girl doesn't irritate me as I think she might have at another time. Instead, I feel a well of stillness inside. I keep turning the pages of this story of my life. Get up soldier it is time to stand up to your troubled mind and help the one you love with all your heart. The road will be long and tough sometimes inhospitable sometimes, but she is not afraid as she has a well-trained soldier at her side. But there is no way back and it looks like our horizon on fire as the sun goes down slowly.

As far as I can tell, it's not long before we are taken through a door. It opens, like magic, into a wide, yellow corridor with a side table, a high metal chair, and shelves along the walls. Have we really been here? Did we do anything good for those people? And why am I mixed up with all those emotions. And why am I dressed in full combat gear with a loaded machine gun? I left the army in the autumn of 1987 that is more then 25 years ago.

A young military man who says he is a doctor asks us to sit in the chairs while he stands before us. He's wearing ordinary clothes and looks tired, speaking slowly and softly. He probably wants to go home. The doctor would like to thank us for the quick responding to the scene. And gives our sergeant a phone number for the ones who might need help. At the moment we do not need anything but want to go home. We are all trained to kill people but in this case this were civilians who just had a good time and were killed in a weird kind of disaster. In this case we could not save them. Man this has impacted our team the guys have gone quiet as we have seen all to much.The guys are all silent and some are staring with bowed head to the floor. the situation we ended up in was totally insane. And no one had the strength to say anything. It was quiet and lonely it felt like a slap in the face.

Memories lost: I don't know how long I'm with the doctor perhaps one or two minutes and when I look up he's gone. There's that puzzling feeling again: was he real, or am I in a dream?

Back in the corridor, a man and a woman tell me I am to have a EMDR session. The thought excites me. I don't think I've ever had one before, but I know what they are: I've read reports from EMDR patients as psychology fascinates me because the brain is something very special, detailing the effects of a brain that is able to send people in the right or wrong directions. They have a lounge chair and mentally they push me into another corridor of my mind. In and out of the disaster we go. It is sad and reliving it is absolute no fun.

They say the session is over, but I don't remember having it. How odd! I'm walking with a woman, also dressed in blue; she's told me that I'm having the next session next Thursday. I'm not sure if I've been in state like this before, but I'm so tired that I think it would be great to get my life back and being able to sleep without nightmares again.

The next morning is different from the day before. It feels as if I've woken from a dream. I'm sure now that I've been there and that woman next to me in my memory is not my wife but my late buddy who died of cancer a few years later in hospital, and that something really has happened to me. I remember more clearly the whole situation was so crazy before we came in. I'd woken with a headache, walked to the kitchen, taken a Panadol, and gone back to bed. That's the last memory I have on this weird mixed up dream.

The phone beside my bed rings, interrupting my reverie. It's traffic control if I could work today. “And I respond yes of course what time should I start?”

"I'm woolly in the head, as if I'm not sure I'm really here," I reply to my wife. "I've got a mild headache, too." and still you are going to work she says. I call it therapy as my brain has to work in a different way. I jump out of bed and head for the bathroom. Brushing my teeth, shave and hop into the shower.

It's three months after my initial psychologists admission, and two months after I was formally discharged from therapy again, where I spent eight unsettling and confining sessions. It's mid-afternoon and I'm reading a book. It's easy to follow, and it doesn't matter if I've forgotten some of the earlier details. I like the way of writing, and I am fascinated by the story: I'm not the only one on a path of survival. Initially I tried reading a story of a deeply harmed woman that has survived a war, but it was like struggling through thick, deep mud.

I would read a page, and by the time I reached the next, I'd forgotten what the previous one had said. I go back to reading, settling comfortably into my chair; the idea of seeing the doctor slips into my back pocket. But my brain continues processing this information in its own way.

Then, a thought comes suddenly to my mind: if I've had a set back, and that's not physical… I haven't had a mental breakdown. It all came up again due to a very different situation. They harmed my wife and the killing machine was woken up from the dead end corner of my brain. I was going to take this bad ass out of his magic life. And everyone that would be in the way. The bastard has been lucky that he wasn't home as I had figured out were he was living. I couldn't stop the blindness and the deep angered soldier that was taken over. Lucky part of the situation was that he was not home as I still see him as the enemy. Thank God I did not harm anyone. Relief floods through me. Fucking fantastic.

Recovery: All of this happened on the evening hours of the 6^th of March 1987 But cue seven months of visits to doctors psychotherapists and a series of tests. I've been told that I should exercise, walk on flat ground if I go for a walk, read nothing harder than the newspaper. I try to follow doctor's orders to take it easy and avoid stress. The stress thing is a process of discovery. The invisible hole in my head is a trickster; I don't know when or how it's going to trip me up next. My body's not behaving properly either. And that came up years later due to a stressed life.

I'm anxious to get on with my recovery, and the more I read, the more it seems like a computer-based cognitive training program is what I need. The program should concentrate on building the basic auditory skills first, and then the components of speech and finally comprehension.

Now the situation has stabilized and I am calm again, yet I must give closure to the old situation and learn to live with what happened then. Furthermore, I will have to build on a completely new start for my wife because she never will be the same again and will have to learn to live with her post-traumatic stress disorder. Will I ever find the peace and able to deal with the false world that simply seeks to amass money and is not looking for happiness.

It is the time that heals all wounds, but there is always a scar on my soul and that scar will fade with aging. Sometimes it will itch and sometimes it will be hurting and feel like stabbing but it will never disappear. It's something you learn to live with and gradually no one is sensing that you have a scar. "In peacetime you are much more affected by the war." said an old veteran a couple of weeks ago.

 

The Old Sailor,

Oh no, my computer crashed again.

Dear Bloggers,

If you ever had a total computer system crash, count yourself lucky, because all the gurus say it's not "IF" your computer is going to crash, but "WHEN." Having had three crashes myself over the years, I can confirm that statement. How well you prepare for this inevitability will determine how stressful and costly the crash experience will be.

When my computer’s operating system was fried last week (and not even during the night of Friday the 13th), I braced myself for the stress that was to follow. My computer a laptop was only about three years old and was probably killed accidentally during one of Microsoft's automatic downloads in the middle of the night. The reason given on the "black screen of death" I got the next morning was that perhaps I had temporarily lost my cable Internet connection or the power had failed momentarily during installation of an update or during the reboot. (For that reason, I have now instructed Microsoft to download updates to my computer in the middle of the night, but give me the option of installing them when I choose.)

Not wanting to put any money into a three-year old computer I'd bought refurbished to begin with, I trekked over to Thrift shop the following Tuesday to see what my options were. I was VERY happy to learn that I wasn’t going to be stuck with Vista’s operating system, and that I could buy a LG computer with a free “downgrade” to Windows XP Pro; further that Microsoft would continue to supply critical updates for years to come. (In fact, I was told they are still issuing critical updates for Win 3.1.)

Coming back from a computer crash is going to be stressful, no matter how you carve it. But if you have prepared for a crash by taking steps to insure that you have everything you need to get back up and running as quickly as possible, your stress will be manageable. Then, your primary concern will be the time it's going to take you to shop for a new computer (if necessary) or reformat the drive and begin all over again to reinstall the software programs you normally use, plus all the time it will take to download the latest updates to the operating system, browsers, software, etc. If you use Outlook as your email server, you will need a current .PST backup file containing all your email messages and contacts (see below).

Backing up and Restoring Files

Getting all your documents and files back on the computer again can be easy or difficult, depending on what backup system you use and whether you back up files regularly. The thing that gave me the most comfort when my computer crashed was knowing that all my documents, website files, pictures, music, and programs I had downloaded from the Web but did not have CD-ROMs for were waiting for me on a remote site.

Outlook is the only fly in the ointment (see below). Knowing how to back up Outlook and actually doing it on a regular basis are two different things. It's easy to "forget" to back up Outlook, even when you've got the automatic backup program in place. I get busy and think I'll do it tomorrow, and before I know it, it has been a week or more since my last backup. I was lucky the last time my computer crashed in that I lost only four days' email messages and whatever changes I had made to my Contacts folder in that period. I’m now being very good at backing up Outlook every other day at least, and especially when I’ve got unanswered email messages in the Inbox at the close of day.

Tips for Getting Everything Back Up Again

Before your computer crashes, do these things:

1. MAKE A LIST of all the software programs you have on your computer, which ones you have CDs for, and which ones will have to be downloaded again. And keep all your computer program disks together in a safe place, such as a fireproof file drawer in your office, or in your safe deposit box. (I've been amazed to learn how few computer users actually do this.) If you buy a program that you download and then install from your computer, make SURE you put that .exe file either in a folder that is backed up to a remote location, or on a CD disk to be stored with your other program disks.

Free programs such as Adobe Reader, File Zilla, etc. can always be downloaded from the Web, but you may need a reminder list to remember all that you want to restore. For example, the last time my computer crashed, I had forgotten that I had to download Microsoft’s "backup tool" in order to get the backup option on the FILE button so I could make regular backups of the .PST file. Now that file is in my downloads folder, which is always backed up by Carbonite. (This Web page has the download link to Microsoft's backup tool, along with instructions on how to do regular backups.)

2. Even if you have a current .PST (personal folders file) for your Outlook email and contacts list, you will have to manually set up all your email addresses again. This will be easy to do if you go into the settings for each email address you have now, and then copy that information into a document you can print and save. (Be sure to protect your email passwords; you don’t want them in a document on your computer.) If you regularly archive sent messages, you’ll need to figure out how to save this file and restore it too, as it's not included in the .PST file.

3. Always have a print copy of all your passwords and contact information for everything related to those passwords. If you keep this information only on the computer and you lose access to your hard drive, you’ll really be up the creek without a paddle.

4. Id ther eare some document files you absolutely must have to keep your business going in the event of a major computer crash, put those files on a CD that can be used on another computer. For example, I'm an Amazon Marketplace seller, and I normally include customized cover letters with outgoing orders. When my computer crashed, I could temporarily access my Amazon orders from a computer at the library, but I couldn't include my usual package inserts because I didn't have a CD backup of those important file folders I could use on my laptop.

Know Who to Call When You Need Help

The thought of having to haul the computer to a shop, wait for maybe days to get it back, and then pay big bucks for the repair had me thinking I should just buy a new computer and be done with it, even though my HP Compaq is only three years old. Thankfully, the friend I called for help had recently met a computer guru in my area, and when I called him, he said not to worry; whatever the problem was, he could fix it, and I certainly wouldn't need to buy a new computer.

It took three hours for him to find all the bad stuff (much of which he said was just "Microsoft crap") on my computer. Using several free and very powerful shareware programs, he cleaned my Registry several times as he removed this or that file, ultimately finding 956 Registry errors. After uninstalling my CA Internet Security program and all the files it had left in the Registry (they did reverse my credit card charge without question), he installed a powerful free anti-virus program he said he had used for years with no problems. After doing virus and malware scans and a defrag, my computer was "blazing hot" and my Internet speed had doubled. My printer was also printing pages so fast and with such power that they were almost flying off the rack.

Finally, my new computer friend, installed his powerful computer tools on my computer so now I can easily and very quickly use them to do weekly virus and malware scans of my hard drive and keep the Registry clean. He also installed a defrag program (better than Windows') that runs in the background all the time. He turned on my Windows' firewall program, but agreed that I should download Zone Alarm's more powerful (and free) firewall program for maximum security.

I urge you to look in your own community for the kind of help Al is now giving me and have him "on call" so you'll know where to get fast help when you need it. If you happen to live in the Naperville, Illinois area, visit Al's website. For me, finding him was like getting manna from heaven. I highly recommend his services.

In Summary

If you’ve never had a computer crash before, don’t assume that it can’t happen to you. If my experience is any indication, a computer crash is going to come when you least expect it, and preparing yourself for that inevitability will make all the difference in how stressful and costly the experience will be.

The Old Sailor, 

The Crash...

Dear Bloggers,

In the last few years, one of my close friends has dealt with the untimely loss of a spouse. I'd like to share this story and what we all have learned about dealing with grief and moving forward at the appropriate time.

My friend was the one who died suddenly of a massive car crash at age 32, leaving a wife and 2 children from 14 and 8. He could not go with them as he needed to finish things at work and he would come later that evening. While he had been feeling poorly that morning he had no easy answers on this feeling, he urged his wife and children to go on a family holiday out of town because they should not loose any of this precious time. Crazy how life can turn around so sudden. When his wife and family returned quickly when they learned of his death and dealt with the funeral, the estate and all the implications of losing their husband and father. 

It would have been very different circumstances if he would have been seriously ill with a sickness, for example cancer then there is most of the time some time left to say goodbye. even though the loss of any wife and mother or husband and father is tragic. The death of a father and husband which was sudden, unexpected and laden with guilt for his dying alone. 

Whatever the circumstances, dealing with the death of a spouse has to be one of the most difficult and traumatic experiences of life. Based on the experiences of others and lots of research, here are some ideas and perspectives that might help.
Try to understand the stages of grief.

• Denial: "This can’t be happening to me."
• Anger: "Why is this happening? Who is to blame?"
• Bargaining: "Make this not happen, and in return I will ____."
• Depression: "I’m too sad to do anything."
• Acceptance: "I’m at peace with what is going to happen/has happened."

Everyone who loses someone close to them moves through these stages, usually in this order. As a husband or wife who loses a spouse to death confronts the profound feelings of loss, it can help to recognize in which stage you are operating and to know that there can be personal peace at the end of the grieving process.
Recognize that time tends to heal wounds. When we are in the midst of feelings of loss or grief, it can truly seem like the feelings will last forever. But time's passage has a way of healing these feelings. Keeping a sense of hope through the feelings of grief can help a mother or father who has lost his or her spouse make it through each day. 

Lean on your support system. Fortunately for my friends, there were exceptional support systems. They both had large families on both sides on whom they could lean. They had friends also from work who were helpful through the transition.  Big plus they had was the community of faith on whom they leaned emotionally and physically. The ones who find themselves alone after the death of a spouse need to allow others who are close to them into their inner circle of feelings. People who care about you want to help, and you are in a time when you need it perhaps the most. 

Express your feelings. Don't bottle up emotions of grief and sorrow. Sometimes societal expectations make men particularly want to be strong and stoic. Especially if you have children that are grieving with you, you may feel a need to be their "rock." But you will need some time to express your feelings, insecurities and loneliness. Talk to friends, seek counseling, write, cry  whatever the outlet will be, let the feelings be expressed. Repressing them only brings greater challenges later. 

Take care of yourself physically. It will be important for you to eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise. Avoid self-defeating behaviors like turning to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain. Just taking walks with a close friend or family member can make a world of difference in your mood. 

Take your time. Grieving works differently for different people. I cannot write a basic transcript for everyone as everyone experiences these emotions in his or her own way. Do not let others make you feel rushed to get on with your life or move ahead. Move at your pace. Don't make any major decisions that will have life-changing implications through the grief process. 

Today my friends are doing well and their life is moving forward. My friends wife is now back in the work force and busy raising her children. Not yet remarried and not really worried about it, she is again building a new life with new opportunities. All of them have worked through this important life transition, taking different approaches but main part is that it’s working. They gave me the permission on writing about their situation as others might learn something from it. I made the choice of not mentioning any names. I think that nobody gains anything here.

The most important thing for any grieving father or mother to remember is that through the grieving process, there is hope and that with time and effort, life can again be full of happiness and possibilities. All the roads you will take might look new, but most of them have been tried by someone. 

The Old Sailor,