My lovely old ship

Dear Bloggers.

You’d love nothing more than to forget all about the time that broke your heart. Yet, whenever she crosses your mind, you forget all she did wrong. You try thinking about revenge to quell those fluttery feelings in your stomach, but that’s easier said than done, and your heart has its own ideas. Don’t freak out, though listen here’s how to cope: When you decide to leave the salty waters.

She might be worth a second chance. OK, so you don’t have to get back to sailing again, but if you still feel this strongly, it might be one of those rare occasions to hop on board as a passenger Maybe you left the ship over something silly like not able to cope with the harsh rhythm of a sailor. If your body wasn’t able anymore tot deal with the pain even being a tough guy, I never consider trying again.
She could’ve been your first real love. First love sticks with you, even years later. It’s not so much that you still want to go back to sea, but you remember the pure joy of that first innocent loving feeling for your new job and it gives you butterflies again as soon you step on board. Of course, you might feel this way over any ex ship that you truly loved.

Stay away at all costs. Stay away from your old ship when you had any bad experiences. It could just be that you’re feeling lonely and you’re remembering the times together. There’s nothing wrong with that, but hooking up here could just cause you to get hurt all over again.

Figure out how to move on Take your butterflies and feelings as a sign that you need to move on. You might’ve thought it was over, but until you don’t feel any attraction to the life at sea anymore, it’s not over. Go out with old sailor friends, focus on a new job or even a hobby and throw out any reminders of your old job.
I did make a point of ensuring someone else was always around when I was there and my memories were drifting off again. It didn't keep me from saying anything unrealistic like “please I want to go back” or “damn, you’re my most beautiful memory.” Tears ran down my cheeks my stomach felt sick.Eventually, I got over it and our life went back to normal.

Start something new. It doesn’t have to be anything serious, but shift your focus to another job. Show yourself there are other jobs out there. My new job as a commuter bus driver is also fantastic and I enjoy it really. It is a total difference than my former job. A different level of being responsible for your passengers. Besides the city I drive has many beautiful student's, sexy distractions are always a great way to make the butterflies go away and the pain is getting less.Once you figure out what it is, it’s easier to ignore.

Think about what went wrong before. Give yourself a cold mental shower. There’s always a reason why you had to give up. What was it? Nothing kills you faster than thinking about all the days life has screwed you over, and not in the fun sweaty way. Fibromyalgia ended my life and career at sea. If this happens, it could just be part of your moving on process. If you tend to form strong connections quickly, this happens fairly often you will find something that suits you. Just avoid the temptation to get back to your old job and know that these funny feelings they’ll disappear soon.

Accepting it is the difficult part and you know you’ll be replaced soon by a new member of staff. Sometimes we just have to accept that at least a small part of us still wants to go back sailing again, but I always remind myself that I’ll be replaced soon and I’ll have the same kind of feelings for something new.

Enjoy the memories, but don’t forget the bad times. Tears and emotions aren’t always a bad thing. Sometimes they’re just your mind’s way of reminding you of good memories. Obviously, there were good times in your old ship. It’s okay to remember those and smile at the memories. Just don’t forget about the bad times. They’ll keep you in check and prevent you from going back to your former life



The Old Sailor,

Why do people become so mean?

Dear Bloggers,

Last evening I found myself on the couch hanging out on the Internet with a good friend of mine chatting about various subjects, like our lives, life as a general topic, other people's lives and finally about the people that surround us in all these sophisticated places like pubs, restaurants and where ever we might go. I don't know how it always happens, but every time I go out in a place like that I end up talking about the other clients. And especially how they are treating other people, I am annoyed by the fact that serving staff is considered being garbage or lower class people. Could it be just me or is this an ordinary feature of all people nowadays? 

It suddenly dawned on me that people are more often drawn by criticizing on others than just minding their own business and they are also usually more into being mean and devilish than being nice and polite. My God what is happening to us. Where is the love for each other?

So here I am, in front of my keyboard, eager to write an editorial about something, anything and all I can think about is why is everyone so mean all the time? Wouldn't it be easier to behave ourselves and be friendly, calm and relaxed, or at least polite if we really don't feel like having small talk with our neighbor when we come down by stairs or elevator? 

I almost everyday start with a good morning to everyone that is on my path. I agree that there are moments when we believe there's no point in chatting with the cleaning lady or one of my silent co-workers, but sometimes these kind of small conversations might bring some light to our daily activities. Let me put it some other way: if we don't want to be kind just because "it's a nice thing to be nice", we can at least think selfishly. Just making others feel better might eventually make us feel better about ourselves by having the feeling of being nice to another human being. 

So, at least for this reason and we should be less intentioned to harass and harm other people and more happy to behave civilized and nice.
I decided to take the word NICE as a statement here. Maybe by using it more frequently I'll actually get to practice it as an alternative to being grumpy. And maybe some of you will also get "addicted" to it!

Let me emphasize my frustration by a example of pointless unkindness that makes our lives even more difficult to be bared these days. After going to work with a terrible desire of having some fun with my commuting passengers. I always start with greeting everyone that hops on and saying goodbye to everyone that hops off. I make some small talk and make some jokes with the happy people. I'm not joking when saying I was very eager to have some fun this day. I was hit for the second time yesterday by the horrible lack of politeness and goodwill. 

I pulled my coat on, hurried down the stairs, got into my car and got myself on the way to work. Being a little hungry, I grabbed some food from the fridge. Surprise, surprise! When exiting the bus stand I noticed that my lane to get out was partially blocked by a truck, whose driver was quietly smoking a cigarette (I believe he was waiting for someone to arrive) I got myself a little wound up by this guy, expecting for the smoking driver to move his vehicle just a few meters away, but guess what? 

He didn't even blink! He just stayed there, in his warm cozy indifference and watched me tormenting myself while trying to get out of the bus parking. Why would anyone do such a thing? Why wouldn't he just move his truck a little to help me leave more easily and not jeopardize the safety of his own vehicle as well (I must add that I could have easily hit his truck by accident for the space was very limited). So, after having a rough day and while heading to waiting passengers, imagine how "nice" this incident was for me! I calmed myself down in a few minutes, what could I do about this situation nothing or could I? But still I was wondering: why??? Why do people feel so good with so much malice and hostility?

Why are people so mean, for God's sake? I sometimes try so hard to understand why so many human beings do find it easier to be critical and mean and hostile, instead of being nice, but I never seem to get to any valid explanation. Is it maybe because they express their inside furies and frustrations by trying to make others feel lousy too, or maybe because they just don't care about the way their reactions affect the others or maybe "just like that".

"Why are people mean? Here's the short answer: They're hurt. Here's the long answer: They're really hurt. At some point, somebody-their parents, their lovers, Lady Luck-did them dirty. They were crushed. And they're still afraid the pain will never stop, or that it will happen again.
There. I've just described every single person living on planet Earth.
The fact is that we've all been hurt, and we're all wounded, but not all of us are mean. Why not? 

Because some people realize that their history of suffering can be a hero's saga rather than a victim's whine, depending on how they "write" it. The moment we begin tolerating meanness, in ourselves or others, we are using our authorial power in the service of wrongdoing. We have both the capacity and the obligation to do better."
We can make it a better day by just being a little friendly to each other.

The Old Sailor,

what if you get out of your comfort zone

Dear Bloggers,

You probably all had it once that you were pushed out of your comfort zone. And hopefully it got start thinking about the ones who do that and especially why are they doing that. My reaction is that they try to get rid of their own bad feelings by pushing someone else over. I am one of those people that has been pushed to all the edges of life and yes I learned a lot out of these experiences. You've seen in your life some inspirational quotes that encourage you to get out and do something strange. Something you wouldn't normally do, like for example bungee jumping or parachuting but getting out of your routine just takes so much work. There's actually a lot of science that explains why it's so hard to break out of your comfort zone and why it's good for you when you do it. With a little understanding and a few adjustments, you can break away from your routine and do great things.

It's important to push the boundaries of your comfort zone, and when you do, it's kind of a big deal. But what is the "comfort zone" exactly? Why is it that we tend to get comfortable with the familiar and our routines, but when we're introduced to new and interesting things, the glimmer fades so quickly? Finally, what benefit do we derive from breaking out of our comfort zone, and how do we do it? Answering all those questions is a tall order, but it's not too hard to do. Let me get started.

Simply, your comfort zone is a behavioral space where your activities and behaviors fit a routine and pattern that minimizes stress and risk. Yes it's that simple. It provides a state of mental security. You benefit in obvious ways: regular happiness, low anxiety, and reduced stress.

The idea of the comfort zone goes back to a classic experiment in psychology. Back in 1908, psychologists Robert M. Yerkes and John D. Dodson they explained that a state of relative comfort created a steady level of performance. In order to maximize performance, however, we need a state of relative anxiety, a space where our stress levels are slightly higher than normal. This space is called "Optimal Anxiety," and it's just outside our comfort zone. Too much anxiety and we're too stressed to be productive, and our performance drops off sharply.

The idea of optimal anxiety isn't anything new. Anyone who's ever pushed themselves to get to the next level or accomplish something knows that when you really challenge yourself, you can turn up amazing results. However, pushing too hard can actually cause a negative result, and reinforce the idea that challenging yourself is a bad idea. It's our natural tendency to return to an anxiety neutral, comfortable state. You can understand why it's so hard to kick your brain out of your comfort zone.

Even so, your comfort zone is neither a good or bad thing. It's a natural state that most people trend towards. Leaving it means increased risk and anxiety, which can have positive and negative results (which we'll get to in a moment). We all need that head-space where we're least anxious and stressed so we can process the benefits we get when we leave it. Question is what will you get when you break free and try out new things?

Optimal anxiety is that place where your mental productivity and performance reach their peak. Still, "increased performance" and "enhanced productivity" just sound like "doing more stuff." What do you really get when you're willing to step outside of your comfort zone?

You'll be more productive as comfort kills productivity because without the sense of unease that comes from having deadlines and expectations, we tend to relax and do the minimum required to get by. We lose the drive and ambition to do more and learn new things. We also fall into the so called “work trap” where we feign "being busy" as a way to stay in our comfort zones and avoid doing new things. Pushing your personal boundaries can help you hit your stride sooner, get more done, and find smarter ways to work. Using the brain is not painful.

You'll have an easier time dealing with new and unexpected changes. Let me explain to you that one of the worst things we can do is pretending fear and uncertainty as they don't really exist. By taking risks in a controlled fashion and challenging yourself to things you normally wouldn't do, you can experience some of that uncertainty in a controlled, manageable environment. Learning to live outside your comfort zone when you choose to can prep you for life changes that force you out of it. It sounds so easy but still you are the one that needs to take these steps.

You'll find it easier to push your boundaries in the future. Once you start stepping out of your comfort zone, it gets easier over time. As you step out of your comfort zone, you'll become accustomed to that state of optimal anxiety. "Productive discomfort," as they call it, becomes more normal to you, and you're willing to push further before your performance falls off. You'll see that if you challenge yourself, your comfort zone adjusts so what was difficult and anxiety-inducing becomes easier when you repeat it.

You'll find it easier to brainstorm and harness your creativity. This is a soft benefit, but it's fairly common knowledge (and it's easily reproducible) that seeking new experiences, learning new skills, and opening the door to new ideas inspire us and educate us in a way that little else does. Trying new things can make us reflect on our old ideas and where they clash with our new knowledge, and inspire us to learn more and challenge our tendency to only seek out information we already agree with. Even in the short term, a positively uncomfortable experience can help us brainstorm, see old problems in a new light, and tackle the challenges we face with new energy.
The benefits you get after stepping outside of your comfort zone can linger. There's the overall self-improvement you get through the skills you're learning, the new foods you're trying, the new country you're visiting, and the new job you're interviewing for. There's also the soft mental benefits you get from broadening your horizons.

How to break out of your comfort zone. Outside your comfort zone can be a good place to be, as long as you don't tip the scales too far. It's important to remember there's a difference between the kind of controlled anxiety we're talking about and the very real anxiety that many people struggle with every day. Every one's comfort zone is different, and what may expand your horizons may paralyze someone else.
Here are some ways to break out (and by proxy, expand) your comfort zone without going too far:

Do everyday things differently. Take a different route to work. Try a new restaurant without checking. Whether the change you make is large or small, make a change in the way you do things on a day-to-day basis. Look for the perspective that comes from any change, even if it's negative. Don't be put off if things don't work out the way you planned.

Take your time making decisions. Sometimes slowing down is all it takes to make you uncomfortable, especially if speed and quick thinking are prized in your work or personal life. Slow down, and observe what's going on, take your time to interpret what you see, and then intervene. Sometimes just defending your right to make an educated decision can push you out of your comfort zone. Think first, don't just react.

Trust yourself and make snap decisions. We're contradicting ourselves, but there's a good reason. Just as there are people who thrive on snap decisions, others are more comfortable weighing all of the possible options several times, over and over again. Sometimes making a decision is in order, just to get things moving. Doing so can help you kick start your personal projects and teach you to trust your own judgement. It'll also show you there's fallout to quick decisions as well as slow ones.

Do it in small steps. It takes a lot of courage to break out of your comfort zone. You get the same benefits whether you go in with both feet as you do if you start slow, so don't be afraid to start slow. If you're socially anxious, don't assume you have to muster the courage to ask your crush on a date right away, just say hello to them and see where you can go from there. 
 
There are lots of other ways to stretch your personal boundaries. You could learn a new language or skill and it doesn't have to be expensive or difficult to do. The experiences you have may be mind-blowing or regrettable, but that doesn't matter. The point is that you're doing it, and you're pushing yourself past the mental blocks that tell you to do nothing.

You can't live outside of your comfort zone all the time. You need to come back from time to time to process your experiences. The last thing you want is for the new and interesting to quickly become commonplace and boring. This phenomenon, called hedonistic adaptation, is the natural tendency to be impressed by new things only to have the incredible become ordinary after a short time. It's why we can have access to the greatest repository of human knowledge ever created (the Internet) at our fingertips (on our smart phones) and still get so bored that all we think of is how quickly we can get newer, faster access. In one way it drives us forward, but in another it keeps us from appreciating the subtle and the everyday.

You can fight this by trying new, smaller things. Ordering something new at a restaurant where you get the same thing every visit can be eye-opening the same way visiting a new country can be, and both push you out of your comfortable spaces. Diversify the challenges you embrace so you don't just push your boundaries in the same direction. You still get the challenge, but you broaden your horizons in a different way.

Take it slow, and make stretching your boundaries a habit of its own The point of stepping out of your comfort zone is to embrace new experiences and to get to that state of optimal anxiety in a controlled, managed way, not to stress yourself out. Take time to reflect on your experiences Then do something else interesting and new. Make it a habit if you can. Try something new every week, or every month. Just what suits you. I have committed myself to doing something weird and new every month, just to test my own boundaries.
Similarly, don't limit yourself to big, huge experiences. Maybe meditation pushes you out of your comfort zone just as much as bungee jumping. Try the former if you've already done the latter. The goal isn't to become an adrenaline junkie. You just want to learn what you're really capable of. That's another reason why it's important to return to a comfortable state of mind sometimes and just relax. 

 
Just don't forget to bring back as much as you can carry from those inspired, creative, productive, and slightly uncomfortable moments as it is your luggage in life.


The Old Sailor,

Summer is leaving us and autumn is on the way

Dear Bloggers, 

 

When I woke up this morning and gazed into the morning sun having my breakfast and nice cup of tea it came to me that also this summer is leaving us and autumn is on the way. I went with the kids to the fair in the village where I was born and raised, to me this fair is the end of summer and the beginning of the fall or harvesting season. 

You can feel that the air is changing. This is a special time of year, certainly not my favorite. The heat of summer gives way to cool, misty mornings and brisk nights. The sun hangs lower in the sky, shading some areas that got steady sun all summer. The equinox approaches, shortening the days and lengthening the nights.

This time of year has always been used to terrify ancient people who did not realize the sun would "turn around" and start rising in its orbit, come the time we now know as the winter solstice. Fortunately, we know that we can enjoy this time of year for what it is: the natural decay of the green, summer world, the turning of the leaves and the coming of winter.

Why do I love this time of year? It isn’t for the rain showers but let me count the ways. I am not a fan of extreme hot days and I am quite happy that we are running into cooler weather and as I see slowly some trees that are already changing a bit of color. The vivid, rich colors of the fall foliage in the Northern parts of the Netherlands. As it is getting a bit colder in the morning and evening hours, I can start wearing my favorite jackets and blazers. 

Drinking hot cocoa at the fireplace with a zip of beerenburg to kill an upcoming flu. Great memories of autumns that past many years ago: as they were the start of some special relationships with girls. Even though none of them had a happy ending as I met my wife in January just after the holidays.  

When I am walking outside in the brisk evening air and the smell of burning firewood it gives me a feeling of cosiness and when you look up you’re seeing the constellation Orion in the sky. And what about making on rainy days comfort food like stews and soups, roast beef and such. It was a great summer and the temperature was incredibly high. Now slowly things have turned back to normal and are back in the school rhythm again. Holidays are over again and soon we are living up to darker days with stormy weather and leaves on the ground in the most beautiful colors.

The Old Sailor,

Bullying is lethal my friends

Dear Bloggers, 

We hear and see the national news reports regarding bullying in schools, neighborhoods and communities. It's nothing new, the pundits promise action, and we feel a bit better that the problem is being addressed. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

The latest casualty? Anass Aouragh , a 13-year-old boy from Wassenaar. Teased relentlessly, his mentor, says there is now an empty space at school. What are the reasons for the perpetual taunting? His small size, his high IQ  there are no reasons given yet. Was he not able to deal with the verbal assaults and the sticks and paper dots that were thrown at him, or was it when they started making fun of him? Somewhere he reached the breaking point.

 
His parents, were worried about their son when he did not return home from an after school job bringing around advertising leaflets. Worry turned into frantic and desperate fear, and soon they organized a search party. The police send out an Amber Alert. Hours later, in the morning they found him, in the woods of Wassenaar. The image of the scene and their tortured agony is almost too much to bear. 
When are schools going to get it? Teaching the 3 R’s, reading, writing and arithmetic, is not enough. 

Tolerance, respect and common decency need to be addressed along with the basics, because unfortunately, this is often not taught at home. And not only that, teachers, principals and administrators need to be constantly in touch and vigilant about what's going on in the classroom and on the playground.
Bullying is a problem that is not going to go away on its own. How many more deaths have to occur before schools take this problem seriously and responsibly? 

Fleur Bloemen was another victim of what we never can understand. One of the kids said after she died: She never spoke about what she was going through.
This is very often the case. These kids are ashamed, embarrassed, shy, even afraid to speak up, which is why all school personnel must keep their ears and eyes open and be prepared to intervene. This is why all parents have to talk to their children about how to treat others, and must know what their kids are doing and who they're doing it with. It's called parenting.

This is not an isolated problem -- Fleur is just one of the latest examples. Last month it was Fleur, a  high school student, who took her own life with jumping in front of train. No longer able to withstand the taunting from a group at school, she permanently ended the verbal assaults the only way she knew how. The reason for the harassment? She was wished dead by fellow students and was taunted on prepschool. Again, this fun-loving youngster kept it all inside, not wanting to upset his family by the derogatory comments. And now she jumped and some of her fellow students saw it happen. 

Tim Ribberink, died 4 months ago in an apparent suicide. Authorities suspect the bullying he endured at school and at work played a role.Tim Ribberink....... was trying to escape the cruelty from his being a happy guy who was taunted being gay. After being punched, kicked and yelled at, he was victimized on social networks when his body was found at home his parents published a part of his farewll note in the advert in the local newspaper. The persons held responsible for this cannot be held responsible for this henious crime.

However, it is setting a precedent that the schools do have liability.
As I mention in 5 very important lessons from tragic bullying deaths, (1) Those struggling with their sexuality need to realize there are sources in every community to help; these kids are often targets (2) Parents must speak out. You must talk to your child about bullying and let them know it is wrong. Also, you must ask them often if they or anyone they know is being bullied. If so, you must report it immediately; (3) Teachers, administrators and school personnel have a duty to stop bullying on school grounds. There must be a zero tolerance policy. (4) Parents must teach their children acceptance and tolerance of others that are different, and that we all have gifts to share to make the world a better place. (5) Not only must bullies be held accountable -- their parents should be, as well.


Schools in the Netherlands are being offered the Kiva Method from Finland. KiVa is a research-based antibullying program that has been developed in the University of Turku, Finland, with funding from the Ministry of Education and Culture. The effectiveness of KiVa has been shown in a large randomized controlled trial. In Finland, KiVa is a sought-after program: 90 % of all comprehensive schools in the country are registered KiVa schools implementing the program.

KiVa has been evaluated in a large randomized controlled trial including 117 intervention schools and 117 control schools. The program has been shown to reduce both self- and peer-reported bullying and victimization significantly. It influences multiple form of victimization, including verbal, physical, and cyberbullying. In addition, positive effects on school liking, academic motivation and achievement have been reported. KiVa also reduces anxiety and depression and has a positive impact on students’ perception of their peer climate. A remarkable 98% of victims involved in discussions with the schools’ KiVa teams felt that their situation improved. Finally, Finnish data from more than 1000 schools that started the implementation of KiVa in fall 2009 showed that after the first year of implementation, both victimization and bullying had reduced significantly

.
It's too late to bring back any of these precious children, but hopefully their deaths will bring about change. If you can take one thing away, let it be this: Talk to your children. Listen to your children. If you do this, no telling what you'll learn. Talk, talk, talk, and keep those lines of communication open. Is someone bullying them? Are they bullying someone? And finally, do they know someone who is being bullied? Ask often and listen carefully.

All of them could have been alive today. Always remember that you can make a difference.

The Old Sailor,

Married or Single who is happier?

Dear Bloggers,

Last night I had to work and somehow during a break we talked about relationships of our drivers and pretty quickly I calculated that 85% of my new colleagues either is divorced or is in the middle of the separation process. Staying together with the same partner is getting more and more unique. I can tell you from my own experience that it is a bumpy road, and you have to take it slow not to break it.

You have to live with eachothers mishaps as well

 

Diehard romantics say you can't put a price on love, but a pair of European economists disagrees, the two men calculated the monetary worth of marriage at $100,000 per year. Hmmm......surprises me as I am always out of money. But this given I started digging again to fimd out what is normal nowadays.

Despite the potential payoff, people in Europe are putting off marriage later in life than ever before. In correlation with the rising life expectancy, men and women are giving themselves more time before exchanging vows. The average age for an American woman to get hitched rose from 20.8 to 25.3 from 1970 to 2003. Additionally, more adults are living the single life, thanks in large part to the higher divorce rate. According to data, 90 percent more single-person households existed in 2005 than in 1970.

And they lived..........Scary fairytale

Over the past 30 years, marriage has become more of a social choice than a necessity, but all it takes is a few episodes of "Sex and the City" to see that Western culture still favors cohabitation. Humans' animal instincts are wired for mating in one way or another. Moreover, a pervasive idea exists that discovering a soul mate brings joy and makes life worth living. Perhaps we aren't far off the mark; studies have shown that married people tend to earn more money and live longer than singles. Marriage also appears to promote better health. The study showed that husbands and wives are less likely to smoke or drink heavily, experience frequent headaches and suffer from psychological problems than people who aren't married.

But betting on marriage to bring you happiness may be a risky gamble. After all, the odds of holding on to that perfect partner forever have been whittled down to a coin flip -- about 48 percent of marriages end in divorce. Nevertheless, psychologists have pointed to marriage as the single most reliable happiness indicator. Across nations and ethnic groups, people report greater happiness from marriage than career, community or money. A 2005 survey substantiates these assertions. Forty-three percent of married respondents reported that they were "very happy," compared to 24 percent of unmarried individuals. Those results were consistent for all age groups and genders.

As any good scientist knows, correlation does not always equal causation. To close the case on whether marital bliss trumps the single life, we must deduce which comes first: happiness or marriage?

But what when the Honeymoon ends?
Does marriage make people happier, or do happier people get married?

A study of 24,000 German couples demonstrated the existence of the honeymoon phase that newlyweds experience. Tracking the couples' happiness levels over 15 years, a psychology professor from Michigan State University found that spouses exhibited an uptick in happiness soon after marriage. Then, those happiness levels gradually returned to their premarital state.

The Old Sailors wallet (onion leather, as every time you look in it, you will get tears in your eyes.)

This pattern is comparable to the effects of sudden financial improvement on people's happiness. For people living with relatively low incomes, money can buy happiness for a while. Yet the longer someone gets used to having more cash on hand, the more it loses its luster.

Absolutely........ Ehhr, no comment.

This doesn't negate the survey results that show higher happiness rates among married people. Rather, it has led some psychologists to conjecture that married people are merely more inclined toward happiness since they're happier to begin with. Humans are predisposed to certain happiness ranges depending on their genetics, personality and life circumstances. Also, happier people are generally more social, and it follows that people who actively socialize will be more likely to meet someone they'd like to marry.

As with other major life events, people are inclined to return to their innate happiness baselines as time goes on. The study of German couples found that this holds true even with the death of a spouse. Yet the same psychologist who conducted the initial research concluded that bouncing back to that baseline may be harder following divorce. The participants who went through divorce had a slightly lower level of life satisfaction.

Expectations for marital bliss can also play an important role in determining happiness. A study from the University of Florida highlighted a relationship between the skills that people bring to a marriage and people's anticipation for how much marriage will improve their lives. If partners have overly high expectations for marriage transforming their lives into in a joyous wonderland, they need to have the relationship skills to match. Otherwise, it's like going to a spelling bee expecting first place without ever cracking a dictionary.

As we've learned from happiness surveys, wedding bells can portend happy futures. But happily ever after requires more than an "I do." Marriage won't magically create happiness, which makes personal character development during the single years even more important.

Darn, a good marriage is a lot of hard work.

The Old Sailor,