Raindrops are falling on ..........

Dear Bloggers,


Last Saturday night I had to work and the weather forecast is not really something to write home about. The evening is peaceful and sometimes it rains a bit. After my break I drive from Heerenveen to Drachten on line 20 and it starts to rain harder and harder. When I drive from Drachten Leeuwarden starts to thunder. The horizon is fully illuminated by the flashes of lightning and it is still a beautiful natural picture.Als I start to drive back from Leeuwarden, the rain is downpouring from the sky and several streets are flooded with water. The harsh winds make my job as a driver quite interesting. Below you can read the forecast of last saturday.

Lots of rain is coming
For outdoor activities, the weather over the next two days is extremely precarious. In the back room we see with some feelings of pity precipitation calculations. It could well be that a number of Dutch regions soon 50-80 millimeters of rain gauges come. The first heavy rainfall moved through the Southeast today, within and tonight will gradually cover a significant part of the Netherlands. I think about that whole thing and then some hanging and some are very unstable in the air heavy rain and thunderstorms. And all because a bubble of cold air in the upper layers of the atmosphere in conjunction with the pile up of colder and warmer air.

Hole in the upper air
The 'source cause' of this wet weather is called a upper air hole. This is an area of about 5 to 10 km altitude, which is pretty cold, colder than over other areas in Europe. That well in recent days from the north pushed southward and is now over France and Switzerland at 5 km above the surface temperatures around -20/-21 degrees. Such an area with low temperatures leading to rising motion of air to the ground. The air at the ground as it were drawn up. And where air rises from the ground, forms a low pressure area. Since the heaviest lift movements on the east side of a pit place, are now low pressure zone over Switzerland, Germany and Luxembourg.

Slide over each other air masses
Besides the aforementioned 'hole' there is another physical phenomenon that will bring precipitation to our cause, namely that the different air masses meet. On the ground because a north wind blows, while at 1500 meters above ground on a north-easterly winds and 4 to 5 km altitude the wind blowing from the east. With winds from different directions, there is some height relatively warm air raised over a relatively less warm air flows / slides. The air on the ground from the North Sea (west of Denmark), the air at some height has its origins in Denmark and northern Germany. The air moves from the east over the relatively cooler air is thereby forced back and some extra lift. That bit of upliftment leads to an additional impetus for the formation of precipitation. In other words, partly arises and intensifies the rainfall over the country.

How much will fall?
As said before the afternoon and evening from the southeast progressively fewer locations rain (partly the result, partly within the slide). Then, the night almost anywhere in the rain. The expected rain tomorrow amounts to 08.00 hours vary mostly between 10 and 70 millimeters. Most of wetness in the western, central and southern expected.

Tomorrow during the day, it seems that the precipitation zone over the west and southwest will drag. In the central and more eastern parts of the country dry for some time, possibly with a faint sun there. Do arise in the unstable atmosphere just as several heavy showers, accompanied by reasonable chance of thunderstorms and hail. The expected rainfall will tomorrow daytime (from 08.00 to 20.00) between 5 and 25 millimeters vary. Thereafter it tomorrow and during the night to Tuesday in many places quite wet.

Then the precipitation zone over the western part of the country yet again, by becoming a land wind from west to east it will slide over us. This seems to happen Tuesday, Wednesday and then again from the same corner after a rain area in draws. In short, until Wednesday there will be locally heavy rainfall to come down. Who out again, doing well to the weather forecast to follow. In addition, this situation again in his sights very difficult to get. Small changes in positioning of the rain area, can have a huge impact on the expected weather.

For the first time in my life I'm glad I've come home again without any damage, when I crawl into bed enjoying the rain lashes the window. To get the sound of the humming of the motor out of my head I decided to watch some TV. To my surprise, there is only snow on the screen, a consequence of the last thunderstorm hit which ended with a large bang.

The Old Sailor,

A great day out.

Dear Bloggers,


I phoned a good friend of mine to hear if he would be home the next day as I found it time to pay him a visit. He a has provided many years litres of coffee and some time to have a good conversation. To our family he is like family as our kids see him as an uncle, he is a great guy and we always have a lot of fun.

Roundtrips sailing through the harbour.

He mentioned on the phone that the yearly harbour festival would be on his programme and that sounded as a great idea to me. I have always been working on these days as we participated as a company, a very busy day as it is in between the regular sailing shedule. And all guests need to be scanned in as they cross the border of the Netherlands. But now I finally had the time and the energy to go and visit this great event.

the event attracts a lot of people

Leading up to SAIL 2010 Amsterdam, the IJmuiden Harbour Festival sailed into town on 14 and 15 August. This free festival sees the Trawlerkade and the Halkade swell with a positive sea of activities and a legion of breathtaking boats. As a former sailor this is the place to be. A few pilotboats and a couple of tugboats are sailing roundtrips through the harbour. A huge crane demonstrates with grabbing water how much it can carry. One scoop is thousands of litres water it creates quite a wave when it is splashed back to the harbour from several metres of height. Big plus that it was a lovely sunny day with a slight sea breeze there is all kinds of music on the quay and plenty of stands to get some food and beverages.

Also pilotboats and tugboats are making roundtrips.

But the IJmuiden Harbour Festival isn't only a joy to the ears and eyes - there's plenty to send your taste buds into overdrive! Delve into the world of seafood at special stands brought in for the first time this year, watch the professionals cook up a storm at demonstrations and join in the annual 'Dinner on the Quay' (ticket required). What a brilliant idea to mix food and sea. And my god there were a lot of people drawn to the harbour. For a great deal of people this is a great day out and to have a look on all kinds of vessels modern or old it is all beautiful. My heart was happy again and not everyone can understand that, deep down I hope that we would get some money to have my own boat. I would love to travel the world again but this time in my own speed.

Tallships are visiting IJmuiden

There was also plenty to keep the kids entertained with interactive, educational games on the quay. And the sun was shining and we should have brought our swimming gear because there was plenty of water-based fun on the menu. On wednesday the first tall ships will have a lay-over in the harbour of IJmuiden. A pre-Sail event which will atract thousands of people again. Unfortunately I have to work so no chance for me to see it. As the cream on our day the Prinsendam of te Holland America Line sailed into the locks when we were driving home, a great chance to see the ship in a close range.

The Prinsendam in the locks.

Head to IJmuiden to catch a preview of the beautiful tall ships and replicas before they join the SAIL-IN Parade and make their way to Amsterdam on Thursday, 19 June. This year, the cultural programme is bigger than ever and features a bounty of family entertainment including a Shanty Festival, street artists, local performers and acclaimed national stars of the stage. So if you have some time to spare on one of these dates it might be something for you as it is great to see these large barks and briks to sail down the North Sea Canal.

At least we had a great day and we have seen a lot.

The Old Sailor,

Holiday Debt?

Dear Bloggers,


Yes I know that my blog is late but I had to work this weekend therefor my blogs might become a little less frequent. As I have to take care of myself I was not able to write earlier. I had a deep conversation about the summer holiday with one of my passengers. We did not go to a foreign country when I was young and when my parents had a good year we did go to a theme park. But I never had the feling that my holiday was worse then anyone else in my class. And I grew up in a tourist place.

It shocked me that people will put themselves in debt for a holiday and all because of the fact that they have to show off to the neighbors and friends. I think that it is sad that you live a higher standard then you are able to afford. There is nothing wrong with a smaller house or a smaller car. I am amazed how stupid my generation has become.

For parents with children going to school the summer holiday is likely to leave them with further debt. Costs for food, caretakers, entertainment, and holiday trips will all add expense to an already stretched budget for many families.

Up to 36 per cent of parents with children at school say they will end up in debt at the end of the summer holiday. Also predicted that a larger number of families will struggle already during this summer.

Research shows the apparent willingness of families to go into debt to cover the cost of the summer holidays. Worryingly 4 per cent will even borrow the money from a doorstep lender offering “quick fix” loans and risk owing a huge amount of interest.”

While many are reporting they will borrow money or go into more debt pulling from other personal funds, many are going to be doing without. Children will have to accept not attending theme parks, traveling, or even attending the cinema. More than 40 per cent of parents reported they would not be able to afford a theme park, 19 per cent would not be able to afford the cinema, and 10 per cent would not be able to afford for their children to go swimming.

Besides doing without or borrowing funds, 16 per cent admitted they would add debt to a credit card, 14 per cent will use their overdraft and 8 per cent will borrow from family.

Experts have suggested that families should attempt to stay within their financial means, and look for creative ways to spend time together that will not lead to more debt.

The Old Sailor,

On the bus

Dear Bloggers,


When I finally past my test for safety reasons, I could tell my family that I had become a bus driver, my test was a mixture of disapproval and deep compassion. I had been a truck driver a few years ago. But driving these two machines are totally different things.

"Yes, good for you," they said, "and we are very sorry as you liked your old job so much. But in your case this it might be a good option in this economy, sometimes you just have to do what you have to do."

What was I expecting, a congratulatory handshake or a roaring crowd? After all, in just two short weeks, I had learned the difference between a cement truck and a city bus, and all the electronics and tickets that come with it. Learning how to deal with passengers is an easy job for me as I have a wide range of experience.

But how could I blame others for their ignorance towards bus drivers when I, too, had once basked in the luxury of a cozy office inside a ship? When I had to travel to or from the ship I needed sometimes to take the bus. And that has inspired me to get my licence as I might get an other job in the future. But due to my health I had to make this choice a lot earlier than I had planned.

"Driving a bus is a huge responsibility," said one driver, my first day on the job.

"We are carrying precious cargo," said another.

But the professionalism demonstrated by the Central Station of Groningen as you have to drive your bus through a very narrow alleyway. I can tell you that this is a real challenge for new bus drivers as it goes beyond simple straight forward driving. Keep your head cool and soon it will get easier. I think it is scarey driving a brand new bus of april this year. They actually trust you that you will take care.

But being a good driver means a hell lot more.When a kid leaves a lunchbox on the bus, if they can, they will return it. Otherwise it will be handed in at lost and found at the main terminal. If they spot a dangerous situation, they will warn the other drivers and their traffic controllers. But it goes even further.

"Every year, I worry that my son's bus driver won't be back the next year," one parent told me. "We count on him!" Unless someone could actually replace him. It is hard for the mentally disabled kids but things are changing and also bus drivers go on pension one day.

Some student walk a few extra blocks just to ride with her favorite driver. That is how different your public reacts.

So, from a rookie's perspective, thank you for the opportunity to be a part of a truly professional team. From a dad's perspective, thank you for taking such good care of our young passengers that travel on their own. And from the perspective of a unemployed homeowner, thank you for your immeasurable contribution to the community to give me the chance to do this job.

A uniform will come next week, so one more week in private clothing and it is complete.

The Old Sailor,

The commercial feast of Valentine.

Dear Bloggers,



Happy Valentine's day daddy, that is what my kids are yelling to me this morning. Yeah right another "happy"day. I slowly wake up out of my half sleep mode, the weather is nice and it is snowing a bit.
Ah Valentine's Day. The first thing that comes to mind is a heart shaped box of cheap chocolates that should be directly applied ones hips. And then there is that sweet little cupid. He's an over weight angel aiming a bow and arrow at you to inspirer you to fall blissfully in love. I mean let's face it. Cupid's arrow is a weapon that literally and metaphorically could be the death of you. But all jokes aside. Do you even know why we actually celebrate Valentine's Day? I didn't think so.

In ancient Rome the date February 14th was a holiday to honor, the Roman Goddess of women and marriage. The next day was celebrated as the pagan Roman Feast of Lupercalia. During this time in Roman history young adults were strictly segregated by sex.

No surprise, it was 269 AD. Eventually they needed to give their hormones a chance to flourish. So it was customary on the eve of the feast of Lupercalia for young men and woman to be partnered for the feast by the men picking the girls names from a jar. Sometimes the pairing lasted for a year and with the young couples falling romantically in love and eventually marring. It was all very sexist in a provocative way. It sounds like a non commercial dating bureau in the ancient days.

Unfortunately this didn't last for long. This euphoric ritual of hormonal teenage partnering would come to an abrupt end during the tyrannical rule of Emperor Claudius II, also known as Claudius the cruel. Emperor Claudius had Rome fighting in many bloody and unpopular battles and was having grave difficulty recruiting soldiers to sustain his military forces. In his warped mind Claudius believed the reason he couldn't get soldiers was due to women. He convinced himself that the men's love of his family, wife or girlfriend prevented them from leaving there side and joining the military. It had nothing to do with the little matter that they didn't want to die a savage death for an Emperor they despised.

Fun loving Emperor Claudius proceeded to cancel all pending and future marriages and engagements in Rome. Claudius then made it a crime punishable by death to associate with Christians.

The legend says, no doubt a bit is polished up if it is not entirely fictional, has it that Valentine was stricken with the unbearable belief that many young souls would be destined to be sinners. So Valentine, a roman priest, married young lovers against Claudius' decree in secrecy. He was of course apprehended and condemned to death for his deeds. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, in either 269 AD or 270 AD. Nobody really knows what yearly exactly but they know the date was February 14th now known as Valentine's Day.



SO WHAT IS ST. VALENTINE NOW IN OUR PRESENT TIME?

The Netherlands, duh! What you may not know for some unknown reason is that Valentine's day was not very famous during my childhood and still isn't. First signs of this feast was seen in the late fifties, as our country was still very pro American due to the help after the second world war. Although the thought was good it never became very populair. Also the roaring seventies did not bring the turn around. In the late eighties it finally was picked up by the commercial stations.In the nineties the internet was being spread into all living rooms and Holland was having a bit of money to spend. So Valentines day was getting a bit of character and the retail business was happy with their success.Until in 2009 the recession broke out and evryone was sitting on his or her money again, Valentine was scratched of the calendar again. The reputation of the greedy is really showing and the retailers keep on pushing it, especcially in the flower business. But the cheap population of our country compares the prizes with last week. If you are to expensive you can forget it.

Oh the Dutch are wonderful people as long it is for free or they can make profit out of it. They just about have their hands in everything good and pleasurable. The romantic patron saint of lovers who's feast day has become so commercialized it actually makes Christmas seem well, less commercial by comparison. In any event Board and any shopwindow you see the signs, if it didn't see the Euro signs next to it. That is the trouble if your Dutch, romance is beautiful but it has to be affordable.



The Old Sailor,

How do I not get the rainy day blues

Dear Bloggers,

If, like me, you are out of work, you might be feeling a bit lazy this week, and you are wondering why it’s harder to be motivated. Well the clocks have been turned back qiute q while ago, the evenings have been getting darker and colder, and daylight is not that much as it is raining nearly every day. I know it is not very attractive to go outside for a walk and it’s all too easy for the wintertime blues to set in.

Many people experience having less energy when the clocks go back; this is mainly due a decline in the feel-good hormone seratonin, which requires plenty of sunshine to keep it topped up, and that is why chocolate can be your best friend on miserable moments it contains a small amount seratonin and if your like me it might turn into brain fog and depression. I will not let this happen but also healthy people are at risk in this case. If you are being used to a stressful life, it might bring you down and hit you all of a sudden. There is a lot that you can do yourself by being positive and as active as possible.

Soon the hardest time of the year is knocking on our doors and a lot of people will suffer from buying christmas present stress. The big mistake they are making is that the gift has to be superb, at least that is what they think. If I need to get out and buy gifts, I will go with a budget and I buy things that are given by heart, instead of how popular these things are.

The good part of going shopping is that you can have your daily physical exercise and you are doing something usefull with your time. If you go to a shoppingmall the weather does not affect you at all. Although in most of the stores it is far too hot for this time of year.

If there is a dry moment in the day, you can go exercise such as biking it can actually stimulate production of seratonin and keep down the blues, if you can get up the and find the energy to do your workout in the first place.

This is where natural energy boosters can be useful. Sunlight is the most obvious one; walking to work, taking a stroll on your lunchbreak or moving your desk next to a large window all help you get your daily dose of super sunlight – the cheapest performance-enhancer available. For those who are unable to see daylight during the week (night workers for example) they should work under artificial daylight lamps or who have a weakness for gadgets, there are indoor therapy lamps available which claim to mimic the effect natural light has on maintaining seratonin levels to boost mood, productivity and energy levels.

Foods rich in tryptophan (a building block for seratonin production) can help balance mood and sleep patterns to prevent energy drops. Good sources in the diet include turkey meat, yoghurt, cottage cheese, oats, nuts and seeds, which are also good energy foods for athletics.
For a quick-fix against being washed out, ginger root has been shown to stimulate the brain and improve your energy levels, so making you more likely to get up and get the the motivation to get started. If that doesn’t kick you into action, nothing will!

The Old Sailor,

In love

Dear Bloggers,

So far I am spared trom the swine flu. Some time ago I was infected with a virus and I stil suffer from it, it was appearing with light headed feelings including a ticklish belly (read: butterflies) and constant daydreaming. There are a number of adverse reactions: spontaneous gaiety, a hollow heart beaten, concentration problems and daydreaming.

Indeed, I am talking about the infamous love.

Love is just like any other virus almost always unexpected and unwanted. For example, if you're just recovering from a broken heart. Or when a long relationship a little on the daily grind begins to appear.
There is nothing we can do. It is best to accept that you are infected.

Love comes in different forms. The most devastating form characterized by a strange tickling sensation in the abdomen and an inexplicable attraction. The most extreme form is characterized by drooling, obsessive behavior and froth. Caution! If you start to tremble with excitement when you think of that person. This last form is really very dangerous. If you recognize this? Please contact as soon as possible your doctor.

Between these extreme variations are listed a variety of forms. Fortunately, the most violent form, but rare.
Infatuation can also start at the first stage and subsequently develop. I find myself already at an advanced stage.
And that it is nothing new but it already is happening for more than 16 years
If the love is mutual, this can result in true love. (This stage I have reached now.) If the love is only coming from yourself it can lead to a broken heart. (And now it will be difficult.) I have the impression that it is not always two-way and why? Has she no longer fear to lose me?

Love can be contagious! If the person is looked deep in the eye and sparks of fire would jump over, it might happen sometimes that sparks shoot back to you!
There is currently no known cure for love.

So especially enjoy your love. Laugh of the Mexican flu victims from being the whole day in bed with fever and cough, while you climb cheerfully out of bed and want to sing all day!
In short: At the first symptoms hump the object of your affection! A direct admit to in this case is the best medicine. I will do that as well. Also there has been done some scientific research.

The best way for women to have less stress is ... being happily married. Happily married couples as domestic work and care for the children are devided and will take the pressure off on womensshoulders. And less stress equals a better night's sleep.
The key is to stress hormone cortisol, released during a stressful period. morning cortisol level is high, and the level is going down slowly but surely during the day.

Women who can come home in a loving environment after work,can easier come to rest after work. Add to that a balanced distribution of responsibilities at home and it is clear that much stress is away. The key word is rather "good relationship" than married.
For women in bad relationships has not. After a busy day, they still have to start the household tasks and then there will be stress. Late at night they are still busy and when they go to bed, they are still worried. The result is that the stressed woman will ly awake and will suffer from sleep. Final conclusion is, therefore, help each other.

Tips
Take good care of your relationship. Make arrangements with your partner in connection with the household chores, the children ...
Talk to your partner enough about your relationship. If there is something on your mind, it is better to talk about rather than to gather up everything.

The Old Sailor,

Sunday and having the blues

Dear Bloggers,

It's Sunday morning and the rest of the world is in a deep rest.

When I open the curtains it is foggy outside. if you can see 50 meter it is a lot.

I slander into the kitchen and spread a few pieces of bread and enjoy my simple breakfast.

The feeling comes over me, I slowly slip away into isolation.

I am feeling less and less at home in this village and this house.

The feeling of lonelyness crawls over me again.

I turn on the radio and pop music today can not tempt me, I change to a station with classical music.

I enjoy the serenity as nobody is around and I turn on the heating.

Yet I get the cold not out of my system.

I realize that I do not that much lately and I am not as positive as in previous years.

I desperately wander lazily and in deep thought through the house.
I decide to turn on the washingmachine to get the last bits of this weeks laundry.
I just think of the past and I'm sitting down in the pantry to watch the spinning machine.

Gently I dream away and I'm back in my youth, my childhood home.
I sit in front of the washing machine and the smell of fresh brewed coffee tickles my nose.
I wonder where my mind was wandering to in those days.
Did I dream of endless beautiful things? Or what if my thoughts were darker then?
I do not dare to tell you, and retrieval of this time is not possible, unfortunately.
I will not say that my childhood was great, but it was not bad as well.
I was lucky that I grew up in a warm nest.

O.k. my mother was usually at home and when you came home there was always tea or coffee.
Now all that became different.
I'm the only one here who drinks coffee in this house and in most cases, I make it myself.
I've tried everything but I prefer to drink ordinary filter.
The family home was sold and my father lives in a seniors home, my mother has lived here aswell for a while. Unfortunately, she was already called to meet by our Lord.
Suddenly I realize that life can be extremely erratic. Suddenly, things happen in your life that are irreversible. Thus every part of your life has a good and a bad side.
As you grow older there are more so called “bad” things on your path.
More often there will be people around you that disappear and you will lose them to Grim Reaper. Furthermore, your body and your mind and you are declining slowly.

Enjoying life has become different.

Previously I really enjoyed the bigger things like a holiday flight or a new volvo, now I enjoy the birds that feast on the fat globules in the birdhouse or the ducks in the pond nearby.

I note to myself that I'm satisfied quicker.

While I used to complete or fight myself to death for a better result, it is indifference or do I admit that my body is no longer capable to do this. Did the accepting of the new me start or am I starting to accept that I am aging?

I doubt the latter, though I must admit that I am not eighteen anymore, In my wanderings on the web I found the spoon theory and this shows marvelously how I feel, and what I can do, but that I should organize my time differently.

The lupus symptons are pretty similair to the fibromyalgia symptoms if it comes to pain, anxiety and being tired all the time.

The spoon theory

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn't seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of "spoons". But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn't even started yet. I’ve wanted more "spoons" for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said " No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can't take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too." I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s "spoons", but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less "spoons". I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on "spoons", because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared”

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day's plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count "spoons".

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can't go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my "spoons".

© 2003 by Christine Miserandino Butyoudontlooksick.com


It's nice that I can still write my thoughts and thus a part of my frustration is expressed.
It is not always easy to have an invisible illness and to make it visible to people who deliberately do not want to understand you. Do not be afraid to live, because sometimes it will be hurt.

The Old Sailor,

The preconceived opinion of the society

Dear Bloggers,

Slowly the autumn begins to enter and when I bring the children to school in the morning the leaves swirl around me. The first trees begin to bare all. I stroll on the pavement on speed dead easy (because of morning stiffness) trough this picturesque image and I am drifting away deep in thought. Until my youngest daughter suddenly pulls my arm and points her finger towards a toadstool. She also asked whether gnomes lived in there?
 

Suddenly I'm back in the real world and I tell her: “Well I think not, because I see no door or a chimney.” Meaningful is her gaze, her eyes he look at me intently. I give her the explanation that not in every toadstool lives a gnome. Meanwhile my brains are running at full strength. I have called the images in my head that this toadstool might be for sale and has a tiny sign in the garden. I laugh about myself and we continue our trip towards the school.

 
It drizzles outside and inside it is comfortable and warm and you would really like to stay here. (And while I hated school in my younger years.) But yes, staying is not an option. One of the students gives a swing to the copper bell indicating that the lessons start in about five minutes,. (So parents have to bugger off.) When I walk out of the door, I feel in my back a few eyes stinging and I think I can guess what these ladies will have as their next issue. “ Yes, the middle-aged unemployed seaman.” Yet I am not the one to be fooled, I greet them with a friendly look and walk quietly back towards our home.
 

I walk back turned into myself and start to giggle a bit and I think are there goblins without work? You normally see these little males usually armed with garden tools. It is not that they are the most active figures as I've never seen one of them move. Some goblins are fishing but this picture gives me even more to think. In my experience this is a sport for men who do not have sex. Because why else would you get up so early in the weekend to get out of a warm bed. And then sitting under a big umbrella staring at the extension of your genitals.
 

Yet it is easier to understand with goblins because you did not see many goblin females. Suddenly I realize something, this would be something not right? Are women oppressed in this culture? Tomorrow it will be in the headlines of newspaper de Telegraaf : “Dwarf men not affraid to use domestic violence.” Meanwhile, I arrived back home and I open the door, I make some coffee and listen to the radio. I make some telephoneconversations to ensure that at the end of the month again we will receive some money again.
When I pick up the kids from school it is around noon, I have decided to buy a winter coat for the little ladies. It is sunny autumn weather when we go on the bike towards the shops out there. Once arrived in the store with my princesses unfolds the grand celebration of the winter coats fitting.
 

We have a lot of fun and nothing is disturbing us. I am also suspiciously monitored by the saleswoman. A mother with children has just entered the store and she looks at me with an indignant glance at my oldest daughter when I say: “You have to choose a coat that is good and that you also should love to wear it because it is your coat.” I feel like a pioneer as seen in the sixties who fought for the rights of women. I fully enjoy this and help my youngest daughter pick out a total of seven new gowns. Walking in a hump of coats we move towards fitting room and again I get the same pair of Argus eyes that followed me earlier this afternoon. The saleslady asks whether we really need no help and i hear in her voice, that I am condemned to be the single father who knows all but has no control. As always I reply:” No thank you we are doing fine” and now I walk with mixed feelings through the store.
 

At one side I'm flattered and on the other hand, I feel hurt. After an hour we leave the shop with two brand new winter coats. As we are heading home on our bikes. suddenly I ask myself this question: What will my wife think of this? The weather is beautiful but because daylight starts to fade early, it cools down very quickly. My thoughts wander off again and I muse over past years. The years that I was a child. After playing outside you came home and often you would smell something nice that you could eat. Now I have to play that role. As it is already quite late, I choose to eat something easy.During diner those double feelings are there again and I really doubt myself. Actually now I recognize myself in the feelings that my wife must have had for years. She phoned me at work to ask what color the sun screen should have for example, she should buy. The children may stay up until mum comes home and of course to show the new coat. After dinner, we are still having some fun at the table and a little chit chat. When we hear the frontdoor open we are waiting anxiously. We have just hung up the new coats as they hung there for ever. My spouse comes in with one of the jackets and asks:” Who is this?” My oldest daughter also resolutely answers: “That is mine and I have selected it myself.” I am relieved that no vindictive remark follows a remark about the color or the scope: “Why was I not asked to go with you?” So I confirm to myself that I can do these things too. Yeah, Well I live in a "girls home" and the shopping I cannot escape from (not that I really mind.) I start to think again: Am I so different than all those other men? Do I have maybe one or more female gene, or are there are more of these dads out there?
 

At one side I enjoy my success and on the other hand, I doubt whether all this is normal. As the evening has fallen I sit with my spouse on the couch and then I doubt again. I'm too soft to determine what is on TV. My wife is usually has the remote and I must say I'm not really a typical male if it comes to preference for things such as football and Formula 1 racing. After all those years these things can not really fascinate me. Again I think: “Am I so different?” I just enjoy my time and I spend it with my children. The happy faces are magic to me when we do something fun again. Laughing I remember this afternoon with my girls. My youngest daughter took all seven coats that we had picked up and she said that she wanted them all to take home.
 

My answer was:”If that bold guy from the postcode lottery is coming along you can take all seven “ Bewildered the mother with children looks at me, after this remark she leaves towards the counter to checkout. I believe they fled the store because she was feeling uncomfortable. And perhaps because she also wants a man like this, and also one that could try things like this with his kids! Ok, I'm not a "superman" but then I do not play soccer on my free Saturday and on Sunday I am not going to fish. Once again I feel a bit double.
 

On one hand I am different and on the other hand, I enjoy all the time that I can spend with my “girls.” Luckely I am not so attached to the rest of the herd and pleased with myself. I am aware that the danger constantly lurks in me but I am not affected at this the point.
 
Enjoy of all the moments you get, because before you know they are gone.


The Old Sailor,