Once I was overrun by love

Dear Bloggers,

Every one knows that Valentine’s Day is the day that everyone declares their love for that special person in their life. Receiving flowers from the person who has won your heart on this day is always special, and when a girl receives an amazing bouquet of red roses on Valentines Day she’s riding high for the rest of the day.  It’s great to make someone feel that happy.

The feeling of being in love is the best. When you meet someone and have that instant spark. You hit it off right from the start and get butterflies in your stomach every time you see them. When hours of being together feel like minutes. When you can get an hour of sleep and still feel high on life the next day. Not to mention the blissful feeling of certainty when we feel like you’ve met “the one” (finally!). You start fantasizing about the future and are convinced that the other person is on the same page you are. And you should tell her about this roller coaster of feelings but your bloody brains are blocking. And no I am not a shy guy and yes she is still a real friend.

And then it ended for several years, I was a real ass and yes she stopped being my friend. It broke my heart and I was devastated. As always my life continued and in the years that passed I met my lovely wife. Yes we are together for many years and our love is still going strong. Although I have many things on my mind I am thinking back about these wonderful times of my youth.

And I was not only heartbroken, but shocked because it seemed so right and I wouldn’t understand what went wrong. Contrary to what romantic comedies may have us believe, this is actually fairly common and not necessarily a bad thing. I know that is not comforting if you are in the pain of a break-up, but stay with me because understanding why the one you thought was going to be forever ended may offer you some relief.

What I have seen in my own surroundings over and over again is that they met someone who has all the qualities that they have dreamed about, and they are so happy when they are with that person. And then the relationship ends often in a very abrupt and harsh way or because of uncontrollable or unchangeable circumstances. It almost feels like the person is literally being taken away. Well they kind of are, and for a good reason, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Why does a relationship that seemed to feel so right end?  So that you can truly see what is so amazingly “right” about yourself.

I’ll try to explain this…

Just as people are here to teach us where we have judgments and unresolved issues, they are also here to illuminate what is so amazing about ourselves that we are not acknowledging, owning and experiencing. If you have been with someone you thought was the one, you probably found certain qualities about him or her incredibly attractive.  You also may have said, “She brought out the best in me!” Exactly. She did bring out the best of you, but it’s your job to keep it going. They fulfilled their spiritual agreement with you by attracting you with their awesome qualities to reflect to you what you are not seeing about yourself. And by triggering the best inside of you so you could have the experience of your awesomeness. But it wasn’t their job to stay.

When she was around I felt beautiful and confident. I consistently told her that and did things that made her feel happy. And then all of a sudden she had a boyfriend, Inside I was a wreck and my wounded heart was burning of jealousy and I couldn’t tell her. She loved him so much and treated him with love, respect and kindness. Now that he is gone, her confidence has plummeted and she is desperately attempting to figure out what she did wrong. In the same period I was a ….. and she told me to take a hike.

She did not do anything wrong (and neither did I if I can relate to any part of her story). Sometimes the real life sometimes “reassigns” a person to support you in fully integrating what they were reflecting and/or catalyzing inside of you. And to protect you from a dependent relationship. For example, if you were really attracted to their creativity or drive, one of their gifts to you was to inspire you to reconnect with your creativity or drive. Or as in my case, before this friendship I never felt beautiful and I had very little confidence in the fact that a girl could love me for what I was.  My ex girlfriend made a gap in my brain that I had been just another empty boyfriend for nearly half a years time. In order for her to fully step on my heart and break it into thousands of pieces.

We cannot see in another what we don’t have inside ourselves. If you feel like the person brought out a quality of yours like creativity, you are incorrect. They merely triggered what has been always inside of you. No one else can make us anything that we aren’t already. If the person was still there, you would not be as motivated to be the things you miss about them or the version of you that you were with them.

Remember no one is the “one” because everyone is the one. Every single person you have a relationship with (and I don’t just mean romantically) is a soul mate because they are teaching your soul lessons. We all are mirrors and teachers for each other to learn our life’s program.

I understand that nothing feels quite as devastating as not being able to be with the one you thought was the “one.” But this is just short-term devastation. What would be devastating long-term is never truly integrating the amazing qualities you saw or experienced with or in that other person.

The purpose of any relationship is for our learning and to grow into love, both for another and for ourselves. It is not necessarily that you have to be together forever, although it makes us happy, or it fulfills emptiness in our lives. I encourage you to move through the pain and get to the purpose of your relationship.  Begin to see how it served you.

You can only bring out the best in you.  It’s there believe me and stop looking for it in the eyes or arms of another. And when you bring out the best in yourself then you will be able to share it with someone who brings out the best in themselves, too. No more wondering if someone else is the “one”.

You are the one you have been looking for.

The Old Sailor,

The commercial feast of Valentine.

Dear Bloggers,



Happy Valentine's day daddy, that is what my kids are yelling to me this morning. Yeah right another "happy"day. I slowly wake up out of my half sleep mode, the weather is nice and it is snowing a bit.
Ah Valentine's Day. The first thing that comes to mind is a heart shaped box of cheap chocolates that should be directly applied ones hips. And then there is that sweet little cupid. He's an over weight angel aiming a bow and arrow at you to inspirer you to fall blissfully in love. I mean let's face it. Cupid's arrow is a weapon that literally and metaphorically could be the death of you. But all jokes aside. Do you even know why we actually celebrate Valentine's Day? I didn't think so.

In ancient Rome the date February 14th was a holiday to honor, the Roman Goddess of women and marriage. The next day was celebrated as the pagan Roman Feast of Lupercalia. During this time in Roman history young adults were strictly segregated by sex.

No surprise, it was 269 AD. Eventually they needed to give their hormones a chance to flourish. So it was customary on the eve of the feast of Lupercalia for young men and woman to be partnered for the feast by the men picking the girls names from a jar. Sometimes the pairing lasted for a year and with the young couples falling romantically in love and eventually marring. It was all very sexist in a provocative way. It sounds like a non commercial dating bureau in the ancient days.

Unfortunately this didn't last for long. This euphoric ritual of hormonal teenage partnering would come to an abrupt end during the tyrannical rule of Emperor Claudius II, also known as Claudius the cruel. Emperor Claudius had Rome fighting in many bloody and unpopular battles and was having grave difficulty recruiting soldiers to sustain his military forces. In his warped mind Claudius believed the reason he couldn't get soldiers was due to women. He convinced himself that the men's love of his family, wife or girlfriend prevented them from leaving there side and joining the military. It had nothing to do with the little matter that they didn't want to die a savage death for an Emperor they despised.

Fun loving Emperor Claudius proceeded to cancel all pending and future marriages and engagements in Rome. Claudius then made it a crime punishable by death to associate with Christians.

The legend says, no doubt a bit is polished up if it is not entirely fictional, has it that Valentine was stricken with the unbearable belief that many young souls would be destined to be sinners. So Valentine, a roman priest, married young lovers against Claudius' decree in secrecy. He was of course apprehended and condemned to death for his deeds. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, in either 269 AD or 270 AD. Nobody really knows what yearly exactly but they know the date was February 14th now known as Valentine's Day.



SO WHAT IS ST. VALENTINE NOW IN OUR PRESENT TIME?

The Netherlands, duh! What you may not know for some unknown reason is that Valentine's day was not very famous during my childhood and still isn't. First signs of this feast was seen in the late fifties, as our country was still very pro American due to the help after the second world war. Although the thought was good it never became very populair. Also the roaring seventies did not bring the turn around. In the late eighties it finally was picked up by the commercial stations.In the nineties the internet was being spread into all living rooms and Holland was having a bit of money to spend. So Valentines day was getting a bit of character and the retail business was happy with their success.Until in 2009 the recession broke out and evryone was sitting on his or her money again, Valentine was scratched of the calendar again. The reputation of the greedy is really showing and the retailers keep on pushing it, especcially in the flower business. But the cheap population of our country compares the prizes with last week. If you are to expensive you can forget it.

Oh the Dutch are wonderful people as long it is for free or they can make profit out of it. They just about have their hands in everything good and pleasurable. The romantic patron saint of lovers who's feast day has become so commercialized it actually makes Christmas seem well, less commercial by comparison. In any event Board and any shopwindow you see the signs, if it didn't see the Euro signs next to it. That is the trouble if your Dutch, romance is beautiful but it has to be affordable.



The Old Sailor,

My scientific approach of valentine’s day

Dear Bloggers,



When Love Blossoms
Romantic love, is not an emotion.
Rather, it’s “a motivation system, it’s a drive, it’s part of the reward system of the brain.”
It’s a need that compels the lover to seek a specific mating partner.
Then the brain links this drive to all kinds of specific emotions depending on how the relationship is going.
All the while, the prefrontal cortex is assembling data, putting information into patterns, making strategies, and monitoring the progress toward “life’s greatest prize.”



Love also hurts.
A recent study where 40 percent of people who had been dumped by their partner in the previous eight weeks experienced clinical depression and 12 percent severe depression.
It is estimated that 50 to 70 percent of female homicides are committed by lovers and spouses.



Divide love into three categories involving different brain systems:

1) Lust (the craving for sexual gratification), driven by androgens and estrogens;

2) Attraction (or romantic or passionate love, characterized by euphoria when things are going well, terrible mood swings when they’re not, focused attention, obsessive thinking, and intense craving for the individual), driven by high dopamine and norepinephrine levels and low serotonin; and

3) Attachment (the sense of calm, peace, and stability one feels with a long-term partner) driven by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin.

“I think the sex drive evolved to get you out there to get looking for anything at all,”
Romantic love, is developed to focus one’s mating energy on just one individual while attachment works to tolerate this individual long enough to raise children as a team.



Romantic love, is a stronger craving than sex.
People who don’t get sex don’t kill themselves, she said.
On the other hand, it is not adaptive to be romantically in love for 20 years.
“First of all, we would all die of sexual exhaustion."Not surprisingly."



When Love Fades
High levels of oxytocin and vasopressin may interfere with dopamine and norepinephrine pathways, which may explain why attachment grows as mad passionate love fades.
The antidote may be doing novel things together to goose the two love neurotransmitters.
Meanwhile, elevated testosterone can suppress oxytocin and vasopressin.
There is good evidence, Dr Fisher said, that men with higher testosterone levels tend to marry less often, be more abusive in their marriage, and divorce more regularly.
The reverse can also be true.
If a man holds a baby, levels of testosterone go down, perhaps in part because of oxytocin and vasopressin going up.



“Have you ever been dumped by someone you really love?”
An equal number also dumped someone who really loved them.
Getting dumped makes you love the person harder, a so called “frustration attraction.”
Psychologists also refer to “abandonment rage” and “frustration depression,” which may paradoxically work to hasten the relationship’s end.
Then comes resignation and despair, where the brain’s reward system begins to realize the you are never going to get what you want.
Despair may seem counterproductive, but it is in essence “a failure of denial” that allows us to see the world for what it is and sets us on the road to finding a more suitable partner.



Love at Risk
“Sex, Sexuality, and Serotonin,” antidepressants may jeopardize romantic love.
As well as high dopamine and norepinephrine, she said, romantic love is characterized by low serotonin.
Low serotonin would explain the obsessive thinking attached to romantic love.
For example 95 percent of the day and couldn’t stop thinking about your loved one. This kind of obsessive thinking is comparable to obsessive compulsive disorder, also characterized by low serotonin.
Serotonin-enhancing antidepressants, will lower the emotions, including the elation of romance, and suppress obsessive thinking, a critical component of romance.
These antidepressants also inhibit orgasm, clitoral stimulation, penile erection (“the entertainment system, as I would call it”), and deposit of seminal fluid.
From an anthropological perspective, a woman who can’t get an orgasm may fail to distinguish Mr Right from Mr Wrong.
Seminal fluid contains dopamine and norepinephrine, oxytocin and vasopressin, testosterone and estrogen, and FSH and LH.

Without an orgasm, said Dr Fisher, men lose the ability to send courtship signals. Said one man, who lost his motivation and self esteem as a result, “I just stopped dating.”
Ironically, because antidepressants inhibit depression, patients may lose their ability to send an honest clear signal for social support and (for those with mild depression) lose the necessary insight to make hard decisions (the failure of denial factor).



When Sex Goes Right
If I research what goes on molecularly during arousal and orgasm: Testosterone drives sexual activity in men.
Testosterone also affects women, plus estrogen and progesterone, associated with permissivity and receptivity, respectively.
These three hormones help maintain genital structure and function.
Dopamine is tied into sexual desire while norepinephrine is related to subjective excitement.
During orgasm, oxytocin levels rise.



When Sex Goes Wrong
I mentioned that serotonin can dampen sexual desire and excitement.
It can also deaden sensation, leading to vasocongestion (“blue balls”).
Prolactin can have a negative impact on sexual excitement.
Risk factors for sexual dysfunction include being at least 50 years old, married, less than college education, not employed full time, tobacco use, higher doses of antidepressants, concomitant meds, co-occurring ills known to cause sexual dysfunction, prior history of antidepressant-induced sexual dysfunction, history of little or no sexual enjoyment, and regarding sexual functioning as not or somewhat important.



In patients with depression, that figure is 70 to 80 percent.
Depression itself rarely causes sexual dysfunction, Dr Muskin explained.
Untreated depression, however, often causes a lack of interest in sex, and disrupts intimacy.
The reality that getting well is more important than sexual dysfunction.
Patients and their partners, he said, may need to reconfigure how they have sex. Arousal may need to be at a higher pitch before intercourse, and orgasm need not be linked to the act.
Although Viagra may improve erection, it doesn’t help much with libido and orgasm. The following natural treatments, he said, show promise: Rhodiola (an arctic plant that works for both men and women, may work on dopamine, helps libido and boosts energy); Ginko biloba (for impotence in men and maintains erection); Gingseng (appears to work on dopamine, so woman can benefit too)



Love from Potion Number 32
“Valentine’s Day cards usually depict Cupid’s dart as the messenger of love.
New scientific research, however, shows that a key messenger molecule, rather than Cupid’s dart, is responsible for female sexual receptivity.
Hmmm, how can a normal man stimulate the woman of their dreams into a sexual driven animal?

The Old Sailor,

One more week to Valentine's

Are you my Valentine?

Dear Bloggers,

It is nearly there, valentine’s day.
It is for men one of these days that your loved one expects something romantic from you.
Every year I am breaking my head over what should I do this year.
How will I surprise her.
My head is panicking and she acts like she doesn’t care.
Is it really all about love?
I am affraid to loose her, she might find someone else as her interrest in me has faded.
Could I ever become her prince again?
As my beauty has got it’s wrinkles, i gained a lot of weight, and being a gentleman became history as my character changed after a nasty fall.



For a while after coming home it seemed I had made a full recovery.
However, more recently I have noticed that I’ve had a change in my character.
Also my memory is having strange gaps and after all these years, I have not been able to recover these parts.
My wife somehow does not want to believe it or can’t she cope with it, as most of my functions brainwise are working again.
It is pretty tough if your partner doesn’t understand how you are still trapped in your own body and brain.



It really hurts if the one you love is taking more and more distance, because she says that you are not listening to her.
She is simply ignoring the fact that I have trouble to talk about certain things, as I feel that I cannot defend myself, I get angry and flee out of her range as I feel strangled and trapped.
Sometimes I put up my defence but I know in advance that I have no change to win this battle.
Normally I break down in tears and cry, if she asks what’s wrong, I simply lift up my shoulders.



Before the accident I was a very motivated young man, but now I have no interest in anything, my concentration is not good, and being inappropriate in my conversation and the jobs I need to do in and around the house.
I am simply not capable to fully express myself anymore by saying it, or to think out a plan for building things is not going easy.
Sometimes I feel like crying as I don’t know how to do it anymore, talking about it is no option as my surroundings wave it away.
As it is something that will change again in the future.
Luckely I can get rid of my frustrations through writing these blogs, as I am sometimes trapped in myself.



Is there any chance that I can learn all these things back, are do I have to learn to live with it.
I am not depressed or that my live is not good it is simply different and from time to time difficult.



I still can not believe that I can not find my old me back.
My face is smiling but my heart is crying.
Where do I find me?

The Old Sailor,