One more week to Valentine's

Are you my Valentine?

Dear Bloggers,

It is nearly there, valentine’s day.
It is for men one of these days that your loved one expects something romantic from you.
Every year I am breaking my head over what should I do this year.
How will I surprise her.
My head is panicking and she acts like she doesn’t care.
Is it really all about love?
I am affraid to loose her, she might find someone else as her interrest in me has faded.
Could I ever become her prince again?
As my beauty has got it’s wrinkles, i gained a lot of weight, and being a gentleman became history as my character changed after a nasty fall.



For a while after coming home it seemed I had made a full recovery.
However, more recently I have noticed that I’ve had a change in my character.
Also my memory is having strange gaps and after all these years, I have not been able to recover these parts.
My wife somehow does not want to believe it or can’t she cope with it, as most of my functions brainwise are working again.
It is pretty tough if your partner doesn’t understand how you are still trapped in your own body and brain.



It really hurts if the one you love is taking more and more distance, because she says that you are not listening to her.
She is simply ignoring the fact that I have trouble to talk about certain things, as I feel that I cannot defend myself, I get angry and flee out of her range as I feel strangled and trapped.
Sometimes I put up my defence but I know in advance that I have no change to win this battle.
Normally I break down in tears and cry, if she asks what’s wrong, I simply lift up my shoulders.



Before the accident I was a very motivated young man, but now I have no interest in anything, my concentration is not good, and being inappropriate in my conversation and the jobs I need to do in and around the house.
I am simply not capable to fully express myself anymore by saying it, or to think out a plan for building things is not going easy.
Sometimes I feel like crying as I don’t know how to do it anymore, talking about it is no option as my surroundings wave it away.
As it is something that will change again in the future.
Luckely I can get rid of my frustrations through writing these blogs, as I am sometimes trapped in myself.



Is there any chance that I can learn all these things back, are do I have to learn to live with it.
I am not depressed or that my live is not good it is simply different and from time to time difficult.



I still can not believe that I can not find my old me back.
My face is smiling but my heart is crying.
Where do I find me?

The Old Sailor,

The prince on the handsome white horse

This blog was posted in Dutch on 28 april 2008

Dear bloggers,

This story is specially for all the female readers
.
Finally you found him, the prince on the white horse where you have ben dreaming about all your life……………



And than after a month he shows already a few cracks in his image and also the horse is not that good (together you cripple already through life)
So to go short princes and white horses are reasonly unreliabile.
It is a bit the same as a vicious guy and a sportscar.
The worst is what I think is that your dream of the future is soapbubble, and there will be nothing of your dreamt future come true.

I think that the same has overcome my wife, she thought that she had found the prince of her dreams.
Although she did not mis anything and also love she does not have to be short of.
Well her prince was in the good old days more loving and much more spontanius (these are her words)
How could this happen?
In the old days I was not turned down or disappointed
And we did not to take care about anything.
We did not have children and financially we had nothing to complain, furthermore we were in the blooming time of our lives and nearly every day sexual adventures (What is there to wish more for a man.)



And now we have come to the Charles en Diana chapter, there were fairytale stops to excist. It starts to become for me bigger growing dilemma, she says that she still loves me but does not show that at all.
The most used excuses are:
Either the kids are awake, or she complains that she is so tired and wants to go to sleep, but strange enough she watches at least half an hour television.
All my attempts are being turned down.

If I break through the cirkel and it comes to the deed, I am to rough or to much in a rush
I am getting more and more trouble to keep myself in line.
Sometimes i wonder if all women with an own opinion, are so distant to their spouce.
There are actually a lot of women that are not allowed to be contradict against their man, in my eyes this is very old fashioned, but they still excist.

I will never be a Casanova and I do not wish to be one.
But I start to understand more and more these men around me.
I never understood these men that had a girlfriend next to their relationship, or the midlifelosers that found there pleasures outdoors.
It becomes clearer to me, if you are being turned down all the time, you start to look for pleasure somewhere else.
Home is only a statement for the outside world.

I don’t want to hurt anyone or cause suspicion, please don’t get me wrong
But it is one of the reasons why now a days a lot of marriages get stranded after a few years
And in 90% of the cases the man was caught being unfaithfull. (Men are not that handy in hiding these thing and to live with a sectret.)
He is portraited as the bad guy.
Nobody asks for the real reason behind this behavior.
Especially women “get a kick on it” to get these guys fully convicted and put him down to the ground.

But isn’t the mistake at their own gender
It is pretty tricky to stay a prince if they constantly try to upset you.
The white horse has in the meantime been exchanged for a familycar and the money you worked so hard for ended up in a payment for a mortgage.
The fairytale marriage still excists.




The once so handsome prince bacame a kind of Cinderella figure, who has every now and then a pretty hard life as the “two little darfs” are giving him a hard time
And if you are coming home from work the “wicked witch” is sitting on the couch.
I would love to see this changed and make it, to get to the last page of the fairytalesbook.

The story nearly always ends with “and they lived happily ever after.” This I would rather end wit my own words as: “Live life as long it is there, pray for less fights, spend your last money on a drink and fuck if your life is depending on it.”

The Old Sailor,