Talking and Writing

Dear Bloggers,

 

Why is it that some folks (such as myself and my daughter) talk so much? This visit, I am learning how I process through talking and writing. I think you do the same with writing and I love that about us. Yet, talking needs a listener and listening takes energy. So does talking.

 

Yes, I have been learning something similar about myself. 

 

My need for verbally exchange is so much greater than most writers. We came to the conclusion in one therapy session that my brain actually might need external forms of processing … getting words out (writing or speaking), having someone listen, and getting verbal and visual reactions. Sounds like a very right-brain form of processing. 

 

My brain is running around in many different directions total chaos is also a system on the other hand, I am processing things internally. Quiet time, self-reflection (without writing it, just “down time”) by taking a walk or even engaging in some relaxing activity like playing a game. That I get a clearer sense of myself, and I need to analyze what happened in the day, what I did, and what to do next.

 

What is it about our need to be heard and understood by others? Is it that some people like me don’t have this need? Or is it a need that we ALL have, but some have it stronger than others?

 

Someone has asked me, “Are you really processing when you remove yourself from the conversation? Or, are you just distracting yourself, purposely not processing for awhile?”

 

 

When I think of the times in my day (or even in my life) when I’m not feeling “heard” — those are the toughest and loneliest times. Certainly we all have the need to be heard and understood by others, and even greater the need by those we love. A big part of my writing (and my talk-talk-talking) is motivated by the need to be heard and understood. 

 

Earlier, I have mentioned to myself that I should write more in my blog if I had the feeling that there is a real audience out there, reading and perhaps responding to my posts. Our writing is a form of self-reflection, and an attempt to connect with others. We write to make sense of things for ourselves, by making it available for the comprehension of others. 

 

I believe that most people have not been able to cultivate a safe relationship with their writing (and rambling aloud). It’s hard to be a loud and crazy guy at one point and being the quiet writer on the other hand.

 

 

Suddenly, a coworker appears at the table and asks me a question. The look in her eyes and her tone of voice say she wants an answer straight away. Her question is simple, but my brain freezes for a moment. I start sentences then stop them. I hesitate. I say things that are kind of what I mean, but not quite. I backtrack. Inside, I wish my brain would just work right…

Ever had something like this happen to you? If so, you’re not the only one. Finding it hard to say what you’re thinking, especially when you’re on the spot, is a common problem for a lot of introverts. There are good reasons this happens, and they might not be what you’d guess.

You can thrive as an introvert or a sensitive person in a loud world

We all have moments when we can’t find the right words, but word retrieval can be particularly challenging for introverts because we process information deeply. We chew on ideas, looking at them from all angles. When you’re deep in thought like this — even when you’re thinking about something as simple as what to make for dinner — it can be tough to talk. A lot of introverts don’t “think out loud” like extroverts do. We do our mental processing inwardly. Quietly. Without words.

As the name implies, long-term memory is where we keep information for a long time, maybe even forever. The information stored there is mostly outside our conscious awareness. so getting to it isn’t always easy. For example, try recalling your first day of kindergarten. Some details might come to mind easily, but others take more effort to remember.

On the other hand, we have a working memory (also known as short-term memory), where we keep information for just a few seconds. This information is easy to grab, but it doesn’t stick around unless we move it to long-term memory.

Interestingly, that introverts often use their long-term memory more than their working memory. Extroverts do the opposite, keeping information right on the tip of their tongue, ready to use.

The struggle to dig into long-term memory is real. You have to find the right “key” to unlock the memory you’re trying to bring up. For example, seeing a certain pair of sneakers (the key) might remind you of your own shoes from when you were a kid, which then reminds you of the milk that got spilled on your shoes on your first day of kindergarten. And just like that, you’re remembering more about that day.

But this process of digging into long-term memory can take time, which can slow us introverts down when we’re trying to talk.

When we’re nervous while trying to talk — like how I felt when my intimidating coworker approached me — it can make finding and saying the right words even harder. 

But it’s not just about writing blogs. Introverts often like to text or email instead of calling or meeting in person. Many also find that journaling helps them understand what they’re thinking and feeling better.

It’s because of how our brains work. When we write, we use different parts of our brain than when we talk, and these parts seem to work better for introverts.

Memory is a tricky business; it uses many parts of the brain. Your brain stores memories in different spots and builds connections between them. Like I said, you need to find the right key to pull something from your long-term memory. The good news is, most information in long-term memory is stored with multiple associations or keys to access them.

If you’re having trouble remembering a word, a fact, or even what you did on the weekend Let your mind wander and go where it wants. One thought might lead to another, and one of these thoughts might be the key to remembering what you need.

If you still can’t find the right words, don’t feel embarrassed or beat yourself up — your brain is just doing what it naturally does, which is to stop and think. If you’re being quiet, you’re in good company with other deep thinkers. Like the brilliant physicist Stephen Hawking said, “Quiet people have the loudest minds.”

To make any awkwardness go away, you can joke about being lost for words. Or you can say you’re a bit busy in your head right now, but you’ll get back to them later — by sending an email or a text.

 

The Old Sailor,

 

The day that something snapped in her brain

Dear Bloggers,

If one day you have the feeling that something in your brain just snapped.
I take care of my wife in times for better and for worse that is what I promised her when we married 20 years ago. And now that has become reality.

"She was still in bed because she had to get up later than me. I was up at 4.30 in the morning to go to work as I am a commuterbus driver. She talked about a snap in her head that she had felt on her job yesterday but there was nothing strange to see. It turned out that she could not get out of bed. She had woken up from the alarm clock and could not filter the sound properly. It's like there are ringing a lot of bells and she could not stop it. 

 

She also noticed that her right side did not work too well.
Obviously she wanted to get up. But it failed and so she was laying next to the bed. She knew that this was trouble and all the things she learned at the Red Cross as a rescuer and she began to check out all the signs of a cerebral infarction. Once in front of the mirror, she smiled at herself. I do not have a slanting mouth so that is all that matters. Eventhough she did not manage to talk properly and she seemed to be a bit confused. Just go to work dear, I'm taking good care of myself today. The day passed and when I came back home she was laying on the couch and looked at me with teary eyes.

Only then did she warn me by crying very hard and said she would like to shout and scream like a wild animal. There is such a pain in the back of my head and on this side of my face I feel nothing. When I sat down next to her, she was a little panicky and tried to talk to me what was not going to well. Fortunately, she was consiousness and we found together that it looked very similar to the picture of a stroke. Then the mill was turning. And so we crossed all of a sudden through the doctor's office towards the hospital, no serious brain injury was detected. But what was exactly the cause of this was not really clear but it according to the doctor it seemed to be a part of serious stress.

After half a night at the hospital, we returned home and she told me that she was very afraid of getting a stroke. Still somehow it kept worrying us and we were forwarded by our own doctor to see the neurologist for further and deeper research. Due to the serious anxiety and panic disorder, it was all very complicated to get an MRI scan. But together we can concur the whole world.

Once at home, the misery got started and was for real. I had a full-time job in addition to it I had to take care of my wife and two children, My working hours were quickly reduced from 40 to 36 hours. She could not take care of herself for the hours she was at home. Most of the day she slept and I had to leave her home alone for several hours, I could not live with this. What I also arranged before I went to work, I fixed her medication, prepared a sandwich for her and made sure she did not had to miss anything. Nothing really worked out and she slipped slowly into the abyss.

As a blessing in diguise I had to be unemployed and sit home for a half-year in connection with my temporary contract and enjoy a benefitpay. I have visited many hospitals in this year and psychological helpers our car brought us everywhere. A deadly tiring route for the both of us.

It's amazing she has not even once been taken to a mental hospital and for everyone it is a big surprise because in this total period of 24 months with the help of a psychiatrist and to deal with a complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a pretty intensive treatment for this, she has been advised to spend a day and to search for a daycare to find some balance. Now her days are filled with a morning spend at a care farm and 1x physio gym. She has always been a busy and active person. Her job was call centre agent and she was a specialist in solving complaints. Now she has now been disapproved for work for 80 to 100%. 

 

I did not cancel my job to help her but I work a 32-hour contract with a few good appointments with the planner and together with our eldest daughter we are doing fine. We put ourselves in such a way as caregivers do because the only alternative was a hospitalization / nursing home. We do not have a personal carebudget because this is not indicated, and unfortunately my salary is not big enough for hiring a nurse 8 hours a day for private guidance and for domestic assistance.

She can do quite a lot and even though she has already being picking up a lot of things, it's no longer as it was before, and she can not do as much anymore as in the good old days. Her long-term memory is as good as before, but some moment she no longer knows where she has left her glasses. The sense of time she has lost with some regularity. 

 

She can get into a panic attack at any time if something happens in her area that she has not provided. Her senses such as hearing, brightness, light, smell and taste are severely affected and seriously reinforce more than necassary during the bad periods. I therefore try to protect her all day from too many incentives of this kind. Unfortunately, I can not always be as successful in this regard. Nevertheless, she is accepting her situation slowly

Besides being a partner and her sweetheart, I became mainly her driver, nurse, butler, caregiver, supervisor, spokesman, administrative / agenda administrator etc. etc. Her hobbies are now a little puzzling and working a bit on the tablet.

Together we were always active in the neighborhood and we were happy to help with friends, acquaintances and family. All practical / physical hard work is going to be pretty good. But what we miss the most is walking hand in hand (although this happens sometimes more and more often.), We cannot say spontaneously anymore: "Let's go on a trip for a weekend," an old-fashioned steamy night (even a little bit of cuddling is not always possible No longer we can be unprejudiced intimate). What I miss the most is being the equivalent in a conversation (if that's possible because these kind of things are often too tiring to hold the concentration). I never know how she will respond as it is differently due to the PTSS or because she can dissociate sometimes completely. I often see that when I tell her things, it does not come to her completely. Also, she often can not remember all of it and I havr to tell it again.

And then ther is the worry about the finances. Previously, we both had jobs with related to it a fairly good income. Now we only have her benefitspayment and my 32-hour salary. In addition, we have two school-aged children therefor you will pay enough, which remains after deduction of transport costs, school fees and daycare expenses. We live in a private home which is not really suitable for someone who suffers from conversion disorders, which makes climbing stairs difficult sometimes. We are looking for a nice bungalow so we can sleep on groundlevel, but how do I sell our current property. Fortunately, as what has happened to many other homeowners, the mortgage is not heavily underwater. But a bungalow often costs quite a bit more. I get that residual debt for what we have to take on as extra mortgage we will never be able to pay this all back because I'm not in a position to work more because I want to take care of her and I need to take care of her.

And then the decoration of our house is cheerful but not too crazy because that is not possible anymore. Anyone who comes will agree with us. As this situation now it is not ideal. No, we know that it isn't ideal, yes we realize that. But how would you be doing this...? Nobody has an answer to these questions. I do not want to buy new furniture in the wild, as it shows afterwards that it might take several years to sell the house and move and maybe it might turm out different.

Let me make one thing clear PTSD will hit the whole family.
And one more thing ........... My wife fortunately has no admission indication for a nursing / nursing home. Because then she should live there seperate from us. We do not want that, our children are entitled to have a loving mother and I would like to offer my life for my love. She's only 47 years old and I'm 49. But our life never gets back to how it was. Yep, and all of this has been done to her at her workplace by a couple of sick types who will call themselves Team Leader. And as I feel now, my life will never be really fun anymore and I've had my best days in live already. A PTSD gets the both of you and will hold you hostage. These kind of things are too sad for words.

The Old Sailor,

Men and Women are not that different

Dear Bloggers,

It took me a little while to write a story again as there have been a lot of things going lately in my life and this can make it pretty hard to sit down for a while and relax and get the brain going on and find a suitable subject to spread my thoughts on the net. This time I made the choice about the friendships between the guys and girls, well according to me there are not that many differences although I think that most women are a bit more tactful in their answers and men have more often a stronger opinion about difficult issues.

Women surprise themselves regularly about the fact that men can settle a big fight with a beer, a men's night which consists watching football, poker, a game night or going out to the pub, important events are superficially informed towards the other guys, and so we can still go on.

Men are amazed about the women; why every single event needs to be told in detail as it can be done in two minutes? Why are women being so difficult in this and remain stuck in that one remark made by that one friend? Why must everything be so over analyzed?

Are there real differences between the friendships between men and women, or is it most based on prejudices and stereotypes? To me one thing is clearly. Men do more physically and talk less. Women find talking just more important than sharing their hobbies. The emphasis is on friendship between women therefore more based on intimacy and openness, while men believe more in things as status and physical fitness being more important.

This would be a confirmation of the stereotypes: by itself being men and talkative women.

But is this so, is there really so much duality? There are hundreds of studies on gender differences put together in a meta-analysis, and there were still be some other results coming forward! They looked at the differences in language and feelings and guess what? Men and women were not as different as we previously were thinking. The conclusion is that men and women normally are psychologically seen the same. This rule has some exceptions, but these exceptions are not important in terms of friendships. What is particularly relevant for friendships is how easy intimate and frank a person with another person speaks. And about this fact, there were precisely these supposed men and women differences. But there appears to intimacy and frankness there is only a very small gender difference. Women were found "showing a little something more" of themselves than men.

How is it possible that friendships between the two sexes still are as different as the needs for intimacy and frankness on both sides is present? The answer is simply that we focus too much on the differences between them, and they will be made much bigger in mind. With the result that the idea that we have on men friendships and women friendships would be different from the reality. Conclusion: We are brought up to think in stereotypes. Silly isn’t it?

Mostly studies that are done about these subjects are build up with questions in which people are asked how they would describe their friendships. And because this is such a general question, we can not but give a general description, or fall back on the idea that we have about it. And that idea is influenced by stereotypes.

The idea that there is a totally different between those friendships is a myth. It is often culturally rooted and we get to hear things now and learned at once from childhood. It is in fact a story that we tell each other about how it works and how it should be. And because we tell it, it occasionally will be true. Conclusion again: Yes we are brought up to think in stereotypes.

"If people define situations as real, these situations have real consequences." The only differences in male and female friendships because we believe that they exist. Furthermore, we are all like friends alike. This is what the American sociologist William Thomas said already in 1928.

In the end we are physically different but mentally quite the same.

The Old Sailor,

Trying hard to win the war within yourself

Dear Bloggers,

My wife is going through some traumatic times as she is emotional abused for almost three years in a row by two psychopathic and narcissistic persons (managers) that did everything to bring employees down that didn't fit into their profile. The company gives them a lot of freedom and it is a very sick atmosphere. A lot of former employees signed for their resignation and got a few months pay so they agreed to keep their mouth shut. My wife wasn't in the flow for leaving the company as she enjoyed what she was doing and this was against all the expectations of her manager. He was not amused with the fact that she was putting up so much resistance to keep her job. 

She kept up the fight for three years and dragged herself to work everyday. I pulled the plug in February of 2014 and she was tired and mentally so beaten up. In the last two years we have been trying to get her back on her feet with psychological help and psychiatric assistance. She has been checked on a medical scale by a neurologist and she was tested on defects by a neuro psychologist, lucky enough that there is no damage found in the brain. She is diagnosed with Complex PTSD with a panic and a anxiety disorder. Our wonderful future has been destroyed by two bastards that should be held responsible. 
 
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is mostly associated with soldiers returning from war. After the horrors witnessed in such an unnatural setting, many wo/men have a difficult time returning to “normal” life, often suffering from flashbacks, panic attacks, and severe anxiety.

Contrary to popular misconceptions, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Acute Stress Disorder (or Reaction) are not typical responses to prolonged abuse. They are the outcomes of sudden exposure to severe or extreme stressors (stressful events). Yet, some victims whose life or body have been directly and unequivocally threatened by an abuser react by developing these syndromes. PTSD is, therefore, typically associated with the aftermath of physical and sexual abuse in both children and adults.

Any traumatic event can trigger it. Rape, assault, acts of physical or verbal violence, even repeated emotional abuse or the sudden split of a significant relationship, especially if abuse was involved.

Repeated abuse has long lasting pernicious and traumatic effects such as panic attacks, hyper vigilance, sleep disturbances, flashbacks (intrusive memories), suicidal ideation, and psychosomatic symptoms. The victims experience shame, depression, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, and an enhanced sense of vulnerability.

My wife is rather ashamed to admit that she has experienced them all. These last few weeks have made me realize just how deep the managers have traumatized me, she said. It was my husband who noticed, actually. He said that I was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD, and he was right. How embarrassing to be experiencing PTSD because of such a short-lived work-relationship. But all of a sudden there it is.

However, this reaction doesn’t reflect her or her ability to cope with it, as much as it speaks to the depth of the abuse. The depth of the trauma caused by emotional, cruel verbal, and even narcissistic pressure abuse, not to mention the sudden change in her personality and subsequent abandonment.

The first phase of PTSD involves incapacitating and overwhelming fear. The victim feels like she has been thrust into a nightmare or a horror movie. She is rendered helpless by her own terror. She keeps re-living the experiences through recurrent and intrusive visual and auditory hallucinations (“flashbacks”) or dreams. In some flashbacks, the victim completely lapses into a dissociative state and physically re-enacts the event while being thoroughly oblivious to her whereabouts.

In an attempt to suppress this constant playback and the attendant exaggerated startle response, the victim tries to avoid all stimuli associated, however indirectly, with the traumatic event. Many develop full-scale phobias (agoraphobia, claustrophobia, fear of heights, aversion to specific animals, objects, modes of transportation, neighbourhoods, buildings, occupations, weather, and so on). My wife has somethings the other way round for example she has no more fear of heights and isn't afraid of spiders anymore. Strange how the brain works

Her fear has been so great, that an email from him throws me into a panic attack, knowing that it just contains more pain. She doesn’t read them when they come in. In fact, she does not longer know if they are coming in or not, thanks to email filters that just delete them before we will even see them.
Thank goodness for technology.

Emotional abuse, like gaslighting as well as so many other insidious forms, is hard to recognize and even harder to prove. Let me first of all explain the gaslighting effect: “Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from. That’s because it plays into one of our worst fears – of being abandoned – and many of our deepest needs: to be understood, appreciated, and loved. The abuser is usually a very insecure person. He has a need to put others down in an attempt to make himself feel better. He must be seen as right at all times.” Often, the only indication that your partner is causing emotional damage is to trust yourself and how you feel.

• Are you asking yourself if you’re crazy?
• Are you questioning reality?
• Do you feel blamed for everything in the relationship?
• Do you feel unsafe to talk with your partner about anything? 
  
  
  
   
  

Certainly not all charming people are predators or abusive, but it is something of which to take note, especially if they are particularly charming. Please, please look closer, or perhaps, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Find out about their past relationships. How many? How did they end? Do they take responsibility for their actions? Their words? Are they relatively consistent in their words/actions?
indication: They don’t take responsibility for their own actions.
Please believe me when I say that these actions are insidious. I mean it. They are so subtle and often covered up by grand gestures of love and excessive affection. It is very intoxicating and convincing, but beneath it all there might be a constant assault on your sense of self through gaslighting and other forms of covert abuse.

The first step is recognizing abuse as abuse. One very surprising thing I learned about this over the past few weeks is that some types of emotional abuse feel like love. Another reason the trauma is so deep: it’s not just the damage , but it is unhealed damage from a lifetime of emotional abuse.

Research PTSD and Emotional Abuse. If you are exhibiting any of the signs, you might be trapped in a betrayal or trauma bond with the abuser. This makes it even harder to get away and heal.

Let us all learn how to protect ourselves from such people, for in this society, there is no other recourse. No way to prove it. No way to make them accountable for the damage they cause. Our only hope of defense against this type of abuse is to recognize the danger early, reinforce our armor, and get away before a trauma bond can be created. Slowly we start with counseling. To me it’s an interesting one, and it might be helpful to you, reading this blog, as it shows how one is in so much denial at first because of the shock and disbelieve, and how, if you commit to healing, you can uncover some pretty horrific things and extensive PTSD.

My wife quotes: “I might never be working again and damaged for life. Still, I’d rather know, accept, and heal than to fall into the same trap with another predator”.
Let's hope the future brings better times.



The Old Sailor,

Getting sick of being busy

Dear Bloggers, 
 
My thoughts are spinning through my head as I write this down tears are running down my cheeks. It is very sad how beloved persons are slipping through our fingers. The brain is a strange peace of equipment and it can do strange things. I just drove home from a night shift as my mind was running around in circles.

Thinking about the roller coaster life that I am leading. Outside there is nothing left of the summer weather as rain bashes on my screen and the smell of a died out fireplace enters the car. My wife is having trouble again with her anxiety, our kids went to new schools this week and my mother in law has been taken into care as she is suffering from Parkinson's an Dementia my father in law is not able anymore to take the full day and night care of her. It is pretty tough for both of them. But the home were she stays is giving her good care.

Dementia is often viewed as a disease of the mind, an illness that erases treasured memories but leaves the body intact.

But dementia is a physical illness, too and a progressive, terminal disease that shuts down the body as it attacks the brain. Although the early stages can last for years, the life expectancy of a patient with advanced dementia is similar to that of a patient with advanced cancer.
 

The continued focus on treatment to prolong life often means that pain relief is inadequate, and symptoms like confusion and anxiety are worsened. I think it suggests that family members would be far less likely to subject their loved ones to such treatment if they had a better understanding of dementia as progressive, debilitating illness that ultimately shuts down the body after years of mental deterioration.

“When family members understand the clinical course of dementia and the poor prognosis, the patients were far less likely to undergo these distressing interventions,” I would say that: “Dementia is a terminal illness and needs to be recognized as such so these patients receive better palliative care.”
Our mother in law is suffering from Parkinson's disease and to me there are a lot of similarities to Alzheimer's. 

As a teenager, I saw a neighbour decline from Alzheimer's disease. During his final months, he was repeatedly treated for infections and put in restraints or sedated to control agitation.

“Seeing my mother in law in that state is so distressing that I will eventually stop taking the grandchildren to visit,” Simply transferring a dementia patient from the nursing home to a hospital can lead to confusion, falls or a decline in eating which in turn, often leads to further treatment.

Geriatricians say a large part of the problem is that the patients are unable to make their wishes known. In the absence of a living will, family members often struggle with guilt and are afraid to stop the aggressive treatment because they do not want to be seen as abandoning a loved one in mental decline.Doctors need to spend more time explaining the prognosis for advanced dementia, making it clear that palliative care does not mean less care. 
 
When I go there on a Sunday to visit my mother in law and take her for a strawl, I enjoy the home that breathes slowly and reminds me that on the outside of this building the real crazy people are running around in circles. Driving in a full panic state with their SUV with the kids in the back to all kinds of sports. That is why I do not like the pressure were we are under nowadays.

I saw a dear friend a few days ago. I stopped by to ask her how he was doing, how his family was. He looked up, voice lowered, and just whimpered: “I’m so busy… I am so busy… have so much going on.”

Almost immediately after, I ran into another friend and asked him how he was. Again, same tone, same response: “I’m just so busy… got so much to do.”
The tone was exacerbated, tired, even overwhelmed.

How did we create a world in which we have more and more and more to do with less time for leisure, less time for reflection, less time for community, less time to just… be? Welcome to the land of Burn Outs.

This disease of being “busy” (and let’s call it what it is, the dis-ease of being busy, when we are never at ease) is spiritually destructive to our health and well being. It stops our ability to be fully present with those we love the most in our families, and keeps us from forming the kind of community that we all so desperately crave.

Since the 1950s, we have had so many new technological innovations that we thought (or were promised) would make our lives easier, faster, simpler. Yet, we have no more “free” or leisurely time today than we did decades ago.
For some of us, the “privileged” ones, the lines between work and home have become blurred. We are on our devices. (getting the bended neck syndrome) All The Freaking Time. Smart phones and laptops mean that there is no division between the office and home. When the kids are in bed, we are back online.

The reality looks very different for others. For many, working two jobs in low-paying sectors is the only way to keep the family afloat. Twenty percent of our children are living in poverty, and too many of our parents are working minimum wage jobs just to put a roof over their head and something resembling food on the table. We are so busy.

The old models, including that of a nuclear family with one parent working outside the home, have passed away for most of us. We now have a majority of families being single families, or where both parents are working outside the home. It is not working. It is modern slavery to pay all the bills from the tax office etc.

It doesn’t have to be this way.
I am not asking how many items are on your to-do list, nor asking how many items are in your inbox. I want to know how your heart is doing, at this very moment. Tell me. Tell me your heart is joyful, tell me your heart is aching, tell me your heart is sad, tell me your heart craves a human touch. Examine your own heart and explore your soul, and then tell me something about your heart and your soul.

Tell me you remember you are still a human being, not just a human doing. Tell me you’re more than just a machine, checking off items from your to-do list. Have that conversation, that glance, that touch. Be a healing conversation, one filled with grace and presence.


We need a different relationship to work, to technology. We know what we want: a meaningful life, a sense of community, a balanced existence. It’s not just about “leaning in” or faster iPhones. We want to be truly human.
How exactly are we supposed to examine the dark corners of our soul when we are so busy? How are we supposed to live the examined life?

Somehow we need a different model of organizing our lives, our societies, our families, our communities. I want my kids to be dirty, messy, even bored and learning to become human. I want us to have a kind of existence where we can pause, look each other in the eye, touch one another, and inquire together:


Let us insist on a type of human-to-human connection where when one of us responds by saying, “I am just so busy,” we can follow up by saying, “I know, love. We all are. But I want to know how your heart is doing.”

The Old Sailor,