Just another rainy day

Dear Bloggers,

When it was time to leave after working late hours, I rushed to my car and immediately drove home. On the highway, halfway home, the rain began a heavy downpour. It covered everything on my windshield. The heavy rain made it so hard for me to see anything in the road. My windshield wipers could hardly do the job. The radio played Bruce Springsteen's song Tougher than the rest... I dozed off into memory lane back to my younger days when I was a Teen and Cowboy movies came on television. Smoking and drinking were not seen as bad habits. In my younger days I smoked dark tobacco and yes I rolled my own cigarettes. Furthermore I worked as a bartender in a local club so drinking was a common thing as well. And trying some soft drugs was also part of my youth. Not being afraid of what this could cause to my health as we did not know anything about the risks because there was no education about smoking, drinking only about drugs we knew that the hard stuff like heroin could cause a lot of damage. 

I remember that we got to see the movie Wir Kinder vom Bahnhof Zoo the story of the teenager Christiane F. who got addicted to hard drugs. This made me realize that drugs could do more damage than what I was aware of. Still I kept on smoking and drinking for several years as the only thing that changed over the years is that I became a Sailor. And yes we all know how sailors are. Well that picture is wrong I can tell you as the work at sea became in the last decades a more dry environment. In the last years of my career at sea there was zero tolerance policy on the ship and that was simply risking your job when you had to come to the bridge for a breathalyser test. Only smoking was a hard to stop habit as crew members still could buy cheap smokes. Some steam engines must have been pretty jealous of me. My engine was running for many hours a day.

When I left the ship I was still smoking a lot but as timeshedules became tighter and it became stressful to find breaks to get a smoke. I decided to stop smoking and that was easier said than done. Somehow after a few fails, I succeeded. It is approx. Ten years now that I stopped and I still can enjoy the smell of smokers that are standing outside at the station. No my life did not become boring it just made many changes in a hard way due to my wife falling ill in that same period. It started all on the day when I slipped on the top of the staircase and ended up in hospital and they told me that I've been lucky that didn't break my neck. As my speech was shattered and I wasn't able to speak any of my foreign languages anymore. 

With some hard work of specialists and some dear friends I recovered and after a couple of years I was back on the ship again. Something in my mind had changed and I became a bit of different person and I took life a bit more serious. When I left the life at sea in 2009 I took my time to decide what to do next. I got my driving license for the bus and started the education for commuter buses in the spring of 2010. I still was a smoker but not that heavy as in my sailing days. Drinking I did only on Holidays and free weekends. 

 

And then I was after a few years one of the regular temps that worked for the same company but in a different town. I enjoy still every minute as this job is bringing as much joy as during my days at sea. I love to take the mickey out of people and yes I still give service whenever possible that's just part of who I am. But when the wind is howling around my bus and rain is smashing in my windshield, the old sailor in me is waking up and salty water is running through my vanes. My face is having that special smile towards passengers and comfort them with the feeling not to worry with me at the steering wheel. And yes bad weather on the road is sometimes as tough as bad weather at sea. You only miss the monstrous waves and the challenge of walking in a straight way. Handling the wheel of bus is different kind of discipline but still a challenge to stay on the narrow roads. 

The only thing is when I have to drive home in this kind of weather I am really being homesick and those days at sea will never return as slowly but surely I am reaching the days that I growing older and my kids are becoming the grown ups in this brand new world which didn't become a lot prettier. They have much more to worry about. Probably they could not life their lives like I did. As the heating in the car seat is doing it's job as a lower back pain reliever. I realize that those days are long gone and my trip down memory lane is the only thing that I have left. No one will take these memories from me. Everyday being home is also worth a lot. There will be some nights that I am driving home in severe weather and my heart is crying a little bit for not being a sailor anymore.

Even though the visibility through my windshield was poor due to the heavy rainfall, I still continued to drive, hoping that I didn't get into an accident on the road. I knew as soon as the rain would come down in a more normal way, it will increase my visibility and chances of getting home safe and sound. Just remember that speed isn't anything it's the matter of getting there.

The Old Sailor,

The day that something snapped in her brain

Dear Bloggers,

If one day you have the feeling that something in your brain just snapped.
I take care of my wife in times for better and for worse that is what I promised her when we married 20 years ago. And now that has become reality.

"She was still in bed because she had to get up later than me. I was up at 4.30 in the morning to go to work as I am a commuterbus driver. She talked about a snap in her head that she had felt on her job yesterday but there was nothing strange to see. It turned out that she could not get out of bed. She had woken up from the alarm clock and could not filter the sound properly. It's like there are ringing a lot of bells and she could not stop it. 

 

She also noticed that her right side did not work too well.
Obviously she wanted to get up. But it failed and so she was laying next to the bed. She knew that this was trouble and all the things she learned at the Red Cross as a rescuer and she began to check out all the signs of a cerebral infarction. Once in front of the mirror, she smiled at herself. I do not have a slanting mouth so that is all that matters. Eventhough she did not manage to talk properly and she seemed to be a bit confused. Just go to work dear, I'm taking good care of myself today. The day passed and when I came back home she was laying on the couch and looked at me with teary eyes.

Only then did she warn me by crying very hard and said she would like to shout and scream like a wild animal. There is such a pain in the back of my head and on this side of my face I feel nothing. When I sat down next to her, she was a little panicky and tried to talk to me what was not going to well. Fortunately, she was consiousness and we found together that it looked very similar to the picture of a stroke. Then the mill was turning. And so we crossed all of a sudden through the doctor's office towards the hospital, no serious brain injury was detected. But what was exactly the cause of this was not really clear but it according to the doctor it seemed to be a part of serious stress.

After half a night at the hospital, we returned home and she told me that she was very afraid of getting a stroke. Still somehow it kept worrying us and we were forwarded by our own doctor to see the neurologist for further and deeper research. Due to the serious anxiety and panic disorder, it was all very complicated to get an MRI scan. But together we can concur the whole world.

Once at home, the misery got started and was for real. I had a full-time job in addition to it I had to take care of my wife and two children, My working hours were quickly reduced from 40 to 36 hours. She could not take care of herself for the hours she was at home. Most of the day she slept and I had to leave her home alone for several hours, I could not live with this. What I also arranged before I went to work, I fixed her medication, prepared a sandwich for her and made sure she did not had to miss anything. Nothing really worked out and she slipped slowly into the abyss.

As a blessing in diguise I had to be unemployed and sit home for a half-year in connection with my temporary contract and enjoy a benefitpay. I have visited many hospitals in this year and psychological helpers our car brought us everywhere. A deadly tiring route for the both of us.

It's amazing she has not even once been taken to a mental hospital and for everyone it is a big surprise because in this total period of 24 months with the help of a psychiatrist and to deal with a complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a pretty intensive treatment for this, she has been advised to spend a day and to search for a daycare to find some balance. Now her days are filled with a morning spend at a care farm and 1x physio gym. She has always been a busy and active person. Her job was call centre agent and she was a specialist in solving complaints. Now she has now been disapproved for work for 80 to 100%. 

 

I did not cancel my job to help her but I work a 32-hour contract with a few good appointments with the planner and together with our eldest daughter we are doing fine. We put ourselves in such a way as caregivers do because the only alternative was a hospitalization / nursing home. We do not have a personal carebudget because this is not indicated, and unfortunately my salary is not big enough for hiring a nurse 8 hours a day for private guidance and for domestic assistance.

She can do quite a lot and even though she has already being picking up a lot of things, it's no longer as it was before, and she can not do as much anymore as in the good old days. Her long-term memory is as good as before, but some moment she no longer knows where she has left her glasses. The sense of time she has lost with some regularity. 

 

She can get into a panic attack at any time if something happens in her area that she has not provided. Her senses such as hearing, brightness, light, smell and taste are severely affected and seriously reinforce more than necassary during the bad periods. I therefore try to protect her all day from too many incentives of this kind. Unfortunately, I can not always be as successful in this regard. Nevertheless, she is accepting her situation slowly

Besides being a partner and her sweetheart, I became mainly her driver, nurse, butler, caregiver, supervisor, spokesman, administrative / agenda administrator etc. etc. Her hobbies are now a little puzzling and working a bit on the tablet.

Together we were always active in the neighborhood and we were happy to help with friends, acquaintances and family. All practical / physical hard work is going to be pretty good. But what we miss the most is walking hand in hand (although this happens sometimes more and more often.), We cannot say spontaneously anymore: "Let's go on a trip for a weekend," an old-fashioned steamy night (even a little bit of cuddling is not always possible No longer we can be unprejudiced intimate). What I miss the most is being the equivalent in a conversation (if that's possible because these kind of things are often too tiring to hold the concentration). I never know how she will respond as it is differently due to the PTSS or because she can dissociate sometimes completely. I often see that when I tell her things, it does not come to her completely. Also, she often can not remember all of it and I havr to tell it again.

And then ther is the worry about the finances. Previously, we both had jobs with related to it a fairly good income. Now we only have her benefitspayment and my 32-hour salary. In addition, we have two school-aged children therefor you will pay enough, which remains after deduction of transport costs, school fees and daycare expenses. We live in a private home which is not really suitable for someone who suffers from conversion disorders, which makes climbing stairs difficult sometimes. We are looking for a nice bungalow so we can sleep on groundlevel, but how do I sell our current property. Fortunately, as what has happened to many other homeowners, the mortgage is not heavily underwater. But a bungalow often costs quite a bit more. I get that residual debt for what we have to take on as extra mortgage we will never be able to pay this all back because I'm not in a position to work more because I want to take care of her and I need to take care of her.

And then the decoration of our house is cheerful but not too crazy because that is not possible anymore. Anyone who comes will agree with us. As this situation now it is not ideal. No, we know that it isn't ideal, yes we realize that. But how would you be doing this...? Nobody has an answer to these questions. I do not want to buy new furniture in the wild, as it shows afterwards that it might take several years to sell the house and move and maybe it might turm out different.

Let me make one thing clear PTSD will hit the whole family.
And one more thing ........... My wife fortunately has no admission indication for a nursing / nursing home. Because then she should live there seperate from us. We do not want that, our children are entitled to have a loving mother and I would like to offer my life for my love. She's only 47 years old and I'm 49. But our life never gets back to how it was. Yep, and all of this has been done to her at her workplace by a couple of sick types who will call themselves Team Leader. And as I feel now, my life will never be really fun anymore and I've had my best days in live already. A PTSD gets the both of you and will hold you hostage. These kind of things are too sad for words.

The Old Sailor,

" we can go camping sometime."

Dear Bloggers,

The title of this blog entry is a quote. But more importantly, it was something that was said to me.... by a weird man. WTF?

I work on commuter busses now, and let me tell you: You run into all sorts of people in this job; whether they be creepy, cool, out of their minds or even normal, WHATEVER. You will eventually run into them all. I think as of right now, I have dealt with more “Strange” people than anyone else. I have had my fair share of run ins with really cool people, but the creepy guys take the cake. It's like they just flock to me. I'm not sure if it's the deodorant I wear, or if it's the cologne I don't wear. All I know is, it has to stop.

One day when I was at work, a passenger came in and he was looking around a bit weird before he sat down, and he immediately started singing. I don't have a problem with people singing; some people just like to have fun. And that's cool. But it's not cool when you are a creepy homeless dude changing the lyrics to, "I want to bomb Iraq," and screaming them when there are friendly customers on the bus. I told him at the next stop to either stop singing or to get off my bus. Then he started shouting at me and I told him to bugger off now.

He eventually stopped shouting and paid for the ride with his chipcard. He left, and I said to myself, "I hope he never comes in again." Well he started to come on my route everyday after that. And do you know what he would do? He would stand right by the busstop in the city centre. No, that's it. Just stand. You thought that I was going to say that we had engrossing conversations day in and day out. No. He just stood there all day being weird. OK, OK. He didn't JUST stand there. He attempted to make small talk here and there, but I wasn't really participating. But you would think that he would get the hint that I don't really want to talk with him.

Now before you guys think I am a jerk, I just need to let you know that I tried talking with the dude, but this guy was out of his lips. He would talk about the same thing everyday. ks.

I will never forget this one day though. He was telling me about a fountain that he goes to daily to pray at. I told him that I have seen that fountain a few times with some friends. I figured that I would be nice and try to have a conversation. He says, "Oh, that's neat." I say "yeah." It was silent for about two minutes after that. At the time, I believe I was writing some counting scores down. As I am writing he says to me, "Maybe we can go camping sometime." Go camping sometime? After two minutes of silence, you break it by asking me to go camping with you? WTF? I have never felt more uncomfortable in my life at that point. I had to let the dude down easy because I didn't know if he was going to kill me and I hardly know him.

Needless to say, he came again after that and asked if I wanted to grab dinner with him sometime. Again, wtf? Now this kills me. It really does. Why can't an attractive girl ask me to go camping with them? Or go out to dinner with them? WHY? Instead I get weird, homeless looking, dudes all over me. Maybe I should go camping with my family.

The Old Sailor,

Time to decide

Dear Bloggers,

Question I asked my jobcoach (someone from the dole office that should help you finding new opportunities, they haven’t been much help yet. As everything that I did or found they could not help me with.) I am at a career crossroads with two viable but very different options to consider. One is a job on a cruiseliner as a bartender and the other one might be a reasonable chance on a contract with the bus company. So I asked her “What suggestions do you have about sorting through them and making a decision?”

Answer from my jobcoach: This comes down to knowing yourself and thinking carefully about the likely short- and long-term results of each choice.

That is a correct answer but can I do something with this answer or is it again actually what they say: “Sorry we don’t know but you have to sort it out on your own.” To give you an impression about how the phone conversation went with this young lady who did a study in communication for years. We talked for half an hour about actually nothing. I was left with more questions than answers.

The conversation part about the inner game

Before thinking about the options, think about yourself. Consider what you like best about your professional life, how you'd like your days to be occupied, the amount of structure you prefer, the amount of interaction as part of a team — all of the concrete and intangible aspects that go into professional satisfaction.

Think, too, about how you'd prefer work to fit as a part of life as a whole. You may want to put a lot of attention on career or business building, or you may be looking for more flexibility and balance. There is no right or wrong here; however, understanding your preferences will help you evaluate your choices.

Remember to assess your financial requirements so that you are clear about your needs in terms of compensation and benefits.

Once you've immersed yourself in thinking about how you'd like to live your life, consider each option in turn. Try closing your eyes and imagining yourself in the new role. Walk yourself through a day or a week, and don't just take the happy path. Also imagine the hard days and notice how you feel about the challenges you'd face. Also think about how each fits with your professional and personal preferences.

The part about the outer game

I assume from your description of the options as "viable" that you have looked at the pragmatic aspects. If not, be sure that you're doing so, creating a financial plan or investigating the compensation and benefits so that you don't come up short.

Get some sounding board help, talking to friends, family and advisers you can trust to give you feedback. Keep in mind that their own biases and preferences may show up, and also remember that it's your decision and that you must make it for yourself. That being said, input from others will be a valuable resource in clarifying your next steps.

There may be questions that have arisen from your reflections on the positions. If so, gather more information from others. For example potential employers who are part of your potential next steps.

The inner game revisited

To get to your goal of a confident decision, return to a reflective mode. Incorporate all the information from the above phases, and notice which option is more attractive. Try closing the door on each and see how that feels. Which alternative is more energizing? Where do you feel more loss from leaving the option behind?

You may feel some anxiety about making a decision. This can go with the territory, but take an honest look to see if it reflects a genuine concern that needs to be addressed. Otherwise, you may just have to accept that jitters are part of moving forward, and that once you've decided, you don't need to second-guess your choice.

Summary of the conversation

Reflect, consult and reflect again to arrive at a well-grounded decision.

My jobcoach is a credentialed coach with more than 12 years of experience. How can you tell people these kind of things if actually never ever had a real job in the real world. How can the government be so blind to waste so much money on these idiots. Just put up a sign with the text “Sort things out yourself.”

Hmmm.....has anyone a better suggestion? I am really in doubt and I need to get my act together as I will need to make a decission soon. Why is life so complicated if it comes to deciding?

The Old Sailor,

winter is on the way

Dear Bloggers,


This morning it was five o’clock to get up and get to work. As soon as I had my breakfast and rubbed the sleep out of my face, I open the curtains to few the world who looks brutal and dark at this time of day. When I walk to the car I feel the cold air tipping on my nose. It is a big difference to last week as temperatures have dropped to 6 degrees Celcius.


It’s getting cold. The nights are starting to draw in while the mornings seem to take forever to stir. I’m beginning to slow down, to curl up in bed for ‘just 10 more minutes’ in the mornings, to seek out sleep earlier in the evenings. I’m walking slowly, as my body is getting stiffer more painful again but surely this will be my first winter in a better shape than the last couple of years.

I’ve never found winter an easy season. Everything seems stark, minimal and asleep. My hands and feet wish to retreat into my body as they become freezing cold and numb. The layers I have to wear drive me nuts because I’m too hot inside and yet freezing outside. I feel constricted by all the clothes needed to keep me warm and I long for the days when I can slip on a pair of flip-flops, a pair of shorts and a t-shirt .



A week ago people hopped on the bus wearing t-shirts, summer dresses and shorts. Today I saw the first ones wearing gloves, hats, caps and scarfs. The air is cold and chilly and slowly night is turning into day. The hard blue sky is bautiful and explains the bittter cold breeze that hangs around. You can imagine that they were quite happy that I had turned on the heater in the bus. It is strange that in such a short period the leaves have turned colours and cold weather took position, weather men predict a cold and snowy winter. And that will spice up the job again as delays give trouble and I think that it is really funny.

For me, winter is all about slowing down, about stripping bare, going back to basics. It’s about inventing new ways of living a full life that focuses the majority of the time on indoor pursuits. It’s about connecting with friends and family, sharing the warmth of the holidays together. It’s about generosity with your neighbors, wishing each other well in this darker season. It’s about ruminating on the fact of life that everything one day will die.


We are still a good couple of months away from ice, winter woolies and the festive season, but already I’m preparing myself for the shifts my body and mind will need to take in the coming months. I want to take the next few months as an opportunity to reflect on my life thus far, to question ‘who I am’ right now and who I will be when this body also sheds its last leaf.

I want to take more time to sit, to question, to think about the circle of life, the parts of me that are dying in order for me to be reborn again next spring and who that makes ‘me’ when the old is perpetually falling away to make room for the new. It makes me sad as i realize how many people that have left us in the last couple of years. On the other hand I see my eldest daughter turning into a woman. Someday there will be the first love and a new circle begins.


I hope that the winter will not be to harsh and not to many snowdays as they only cost money. I start the car and drive into the darkness of the early morning with the radio playing softly and the heating is on full power. So, when I’m up in the dead black of the early morning and nothing is stirring, what will my first thoughts and actions be in that moment? Who will I choose to be when the world appears to be so still as if it’s not yet breathing? How will I make those moments count at a time when it’s much easier just to indulge in the warmth of my bed and my dreams?

The Old Sailor,

Yes, spring is on it's way

Hang in there! Spring will be here soon.

Dear Bloggers,

Finally winter is moving out as cold and moisty weather is not my best friend I am looking forward to the Spring and Summertime again. The best part of spring is the great smells of new life in the garden. I think that this is natures best period of the yearly cyclus.

I noticed a few daffodils around town blooming this week and was happy to see two in my garden just starting to open. Another first bloom of spring is a lowly dandelion but it does look cheery after months of winter. I'll wait awhile and enjoy it before i pull it. The other sign of the season change is the longer days. Some days it's still pretty chilly but I get to spend some time each day doing some garden chores. What a great way to finish the work day. So here is the first daffodil that i saw.

It seems like a jibe in this weather. The icy blasts that hit you as soon as you leave towards the parking to grab your bus, the mornings are stone cold and the passengers are happy to see you. It is only –2 degrees celcius but the wind is biting cold. The morning dash of coffee and a loaf of bread did nothing to smash the calm blankness of sleep of my wife and kids. Mornings on the bus on Monday are a kind of zombie march. My head is not fully functioning yet, what can you expect at 06:30 in the morning. I have an automatic path that I follow on the route that I have to do as if I am trundling down a fixed railway line.

By the time the cold hands grab the steeringwheel and you drive to your starting point, you see people outside the bus doors on push bikes in that freezing cold weather and you are just partially awake, and my defrosted body enters again to go into chilling. Then into traffic, making little jokes with the passengers, most of the regulars are feeling home on the bus. After my two support rides that I need to do I unload the passengers and drive back to the garage, Sit down. Time to drink coffee.

I like to come home and write as soon as I can. It is already evening as I write this. I wonder, sometimes if the reason that I write is for the following reasons---is it Writers and the act of writing,--- or is it killing my devotional time, as some sort of way to enter aloneness and prepare for final silence? Or is it a well formed habit only designed to make products that I temporarily own and then discard? What is the purpose of weekly writing?

I’m not sure. I think that writing is a way to clarify my mind and my miserable life—as I am only here passing time, like everybody else. Today I write something down; this is true for this minute, but then the next thing I write contradicts what I said or thought about three days ago. Writing is sometimes difficult and somehow endlessly disruptive. When I consider this fact of lack of agreement in anything I write down--the fact that one day--I may be all for one position and the next --not--what this tells me is that I am mirroring my mind that is also as fluid as the writing. In other words, my mind is a thinking machine that functions on chemicals.

What do they do to store--memory--logical thinking processes--emotions--the self? And if everything is stored in neurons--how are they stored? Is memory a simple stockpile of chemicals with half lives that are reached continually and progressively until no memories are finally left? If so --this makes the act of writing down --critica But if what we write down is contradictory, emotional rather than rational, considered useless by our society--is it still worth it to be writing devotedly--as if despite these deficiencies in textual depictions of a mind--it is still a worthy practice to engage in the writing down of a mind?

I suppose this decision is based on what you value. Do you --if you have sufficient time--value working at something that will return you more goods and services--or do you in your free time prefer to do what makes you see clearly into your own small life and its attachments? It depends entirely on value and the type of life you want to live. This type of writing is not valuable if you would rather paint or draw; if you need to work on a career; if you prefer other activities. But if the main method of learning for you (and your main interest is learning) is to use words in multiple ways--then writing is a weekly practice that unknots and untangles a great many small minor problems a human being can encounter in a life. It also serves to waken up that human being to luck and good fortune.

I only think about nature sometimes when I am driving and my mind is at ease. After a few days I will sit down and write about it. I only think about the good fortune to be married to a kind, loving woman like my wife and the extreme luck of having two daughters, when others have no kids. Writing practice inevitably introduces you to the grace of your own extreme luck in being born into such a life of privilege.

Even the long winter is a lucky matter for it makes spring and summer like desserts after a long tedious meal of rubbery food. Outside the winter wheels and grinds us down to nothing. The pond that is still filled with a thin layer of ice that is close to my house.

Winter is the ultimate season. The poor trees stick out like old timers TV antennae and looking very dark on the horizon. And winter paints them with icy colours, It is all very beautiful –if you are sitting in the writing room like I am out of the battering fists of the wind, sympathetically appreciating the troubles of the ice cold conditions that nature has to go through, like the the locked in birds, the hares and deer that live right near here along in the bloody forest that gives them also shelter as well.

Usually I’m hanging on the couch together with my wife and watch some Tv at this time of the day. But today, I’m sitting behind the computer and my wife is leaving me alone without any resistance or whatsoever. The weather is a powerful incentive to writing—encouraging me by the hammering cold windy fists on the house walls. Crocusses and daffodils are showing their face that is the sign by the extended care that says—Spring is coming soon—but just not today.

The Old Sailor,

driving an empty bus

Dear Bloggers,

This morning I had an epiphany about a difference in style between the two major jobs I’ve held. One style was driving an empty bus and the other was my time on board. That the busses are empty has to do with the summer holidays anyway this can be prtetty boring as I was used to work hard and long days. I am going to examine both as anecdotes from my perspective and try to avoid grandiose analysis.


The Empty Bus

So, I start the job and the first thing the company does is hand me the bus and give some instructions how to run it. Actually, they leave it to me and fully trust me with the material. However, once on the bus driving, I am pretty much on my own. I have a destination to reach that has been vaguely described on a scribbled piece of laminated paper. The directions are unclear and not all of them have been there before. They keep changing the directions as there are roadworks and it makes me wander if I will learn the right directions this way. But I get to drive. That is fun.

Everywhere it is empty

Every now and then, I pick somebody from the bus stop up, they make changes to my daily life as I have found someone to talk to. They do a lot of empty rides in the summertime, and that is such a shame as they have good offers you pay single fare for a return ticket. But I get to drive. That’s usually fun.

All in all, I am asked to develop my skills as a driver and with very little cooperation or directions I am improving. I am left on my own to make almost all the decisions. Even though I have weekly meetings with my mentor, I am not really given much feedback on whether I’m going the right way. He’s not a developer, he is like me just another driver so he doesn’t really know enough about what I do at the moment to give me useful feedback. My quarterly reviews aren’t very cooperative or helpful, they are more about the manager wishing that I would drive faster and make fewer mistakes (mutually exclusive goals when you think about it) so I will cost less money.

loads of space today

I nearly get into a wreck a couple times, but there’s no one on the bus to help me out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an excellent driver. I’m still learning, but some help should help things go faster in process, you’d think. The city of Groningen is not that easy to drive in with her narrow streets and sharp corners. Usually, though, my directions are so clear and well written down so they become difficult to follow that I am directed to get into wrecks as I need to do to much reading. This is not actually all that fun as time goes on.

The Ship

I know that there is no way back there and some journey’s could be boring. They sail around in circles from A to B and the other way round. On the other side of the water the doors pop open and an absurd number of hilarious characters hop out of the ship. This job is not quite like this. It’s actually more like a really crowded ferry in the summer and a ghost ship in some months of the winter, like the trip I took the other day with my wife and my two daughters there was space enough on the ship lthough it did not feel empty as you always met someone on your way. But now, imagine, that all of these people have a stake in where the ship goes and have a slightly role and different idea about how to go about getting there. Now, we’ve got a good analogy.

my last ship and loads of memories

The manager’s seat was next to mine and she gets in and out of the desk whenever she feels the need or when I ask her to. She’s a busy woman: lots of crew to help as some of them have trouble getting it, even some simple changes can make them run to her office. Usually, she gets in right before we dock which is a busy period together with the secretary we answer most of the queries and make the announcements over the public address system. We are carefully explaining things at those guests and point or sometimes even turn them into the right direction. Directly after docking we have to find drivers that did not show as they overslept or got lost. On the cardeck beneath me sits an officer whose job it is to navigate and discharge the cardecks to get them ready for the next run. He tells me by radio the license plate numbers in Nato alphabet and gives those instructions pretty regularly. Beside him there are the passengers that are waiting for the airbridge and have loads of quetions about what to expect and where to find the bus to the city. That’s annoying, but still fun.

my ''old'' working place

I get to work. As I mentioned, sometimes the job is heavy as I need to get ready for the next flow of passengers. Not many hours are left so let’s get started, visitors show up and like to talk to some of the officers and engineers who have their hand on the wheel and help push the pedals for me. This is pretty fun too, unlike the bus though, this actually gives us a lot more control. We seem to be getting places in a much more controlled way, though we do have to control our speed much more carefully. It might take us longer, but the sailing is fun along the way.

The old sailor in a new uniform as a bus driver

Unfortunately there is no chance to return to the ship and driving the bus is a lot of fun too. But a few more passengers would absolutely be a pleasure even a grumpy one would be fine. But what can I do it is summer holiday for most of us, that is why I got the job. That’s a bummer in some ways, not as much fun. I like control. And a busy day. Overall, this is more fun.

So far, I prefer the ship to the empty bus. It’s less bipolar and more slow, steady, and directed.
Unfortunenatly there is no point of return as my body cannot handle it anymore and busdriver is a nice job again when the schools will start again in a few weeks.

On the bus

Dear Bloggers,


When I finally past my test for safety reasons, I could tell my family that I had become a bus driver, my test was a mixture of disapproval and deep compassion. I had been a truck driver a few years ago. But driving these two machines are totally different things.

"Yes, good for you," they said, "and we are very sorry as you liked your old job so much. But in your case this it might be a good option in this economy, sometimes you just have to do what you have to do."

What was I expecting, a congratulatory handshake or a roaring crowd? After all, in just two short weeks, I had learned the difference between a cement truck and a city bus, and all the electronics and tickets that come with it. Learning how to deal with passengers is an easy job for me as I have a wide range of experience.

But how could I blame others for their ignorance towards bus drivers when I, too, had once basked in the luxury of a cozy office inside a ship? When I had to travel to or from the ship I needed sometimes to take the bus. And that has inspired me to get my licence as I might get an other job in the future. But due to my health I had to make this choice a lot earlier than I had planned.

"Driving a bus is a huge responsibility," said one driver, my first day on the job.

"We are carrying precious cargo," said another.

But the professionalism demonstrated by the Central Station of Groningen as you have to drive your bus through a very narrow alleyway. I can tell you that this is a real challenge for new bus drivers as it goes beyond simple straight forward driving. Keep your head cool and soon it will get easier. I think it is scarey driving a brand new bus of april this year. They actually trust you that you will take care.

But being a good driver means a hell lot more.When a kid leaves a lunchbox on the bus, if they can, they will return it. Otherwise it will be handed in at lost and found at the main terminal. If they spot a dangerous situation, they will warn the other drivers and their traffic controllers. But it goes even further.

"Every year, I worry that my son's bus driver won't be back the next year," one parent told me. "We count on him!" Unless someone could actually replace him. It is hard for the mentally disabled kids but things are changing and also bus drivers go on pension one day.

Some student walk a few extra blocks just to ride with her favorite driver. That is how different your public reacts.

So, from a rookie's perspective, thank you for the opportunity to be a part of a truly professional team. From a dad's perspective, thank you for taking such good care of our young passengers that travel on their own. And from the perspective of a unemployed homeowner, thank you for your immeasurable contribution to the community to give me the chance to do this job.

A uniform will come next week, so one more week in private clothing and it is complete.

The Old Sailor,

Finally back to work again

Dear Bloggers,


I am 42 and live in Friesland, and I would love to work, but benefits agency UWV gives me hard time. Yet I am now only a busdriver with a lack of experience. It was difficult but I have paid my own training and exams so I made it myself. Yet I feel that the benefits agency does not enough for me to get me to work. I am applying to everything that is available and possible for me to do. If it comes to jobs it is pretty hard to find a suitable job in the Northern regions as there are not that many available.

I worked for a period of time as a truck driver. In 2005 I all of a sudden suffered from a sudden pain between the ribs when I was loading and unloading. Still I continued working until that one wet summerday, during that day with heavy rain I got a bad pneumonia. Pain in the ribs and the result was that subsequently lifting became impossible and that's difficult when you bring around beer kegs. I ended up in hospital and got into the sickness benefits as part of my left lung had collapsed, after a period of recovery I could sometimes on a good day I was able to drive a concrete mixing truck

I could not even walk normally and also went to the pain clinic in hospital as the pain got worse and worse. After a year and a half it was a lot better with me and I wanted to work again. From my eighteenth I've already been working fulltime jobs. First in the hospitality and later on the truck. I've never sat still one minute and always worked hard. I was getting crazy sitting at home doing nothing. But if I was doing to much again I was punished straight away. The pain pulling through felt like having a cardial problem and that was how the medics reacted the first few times and I was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room.

My body was examined in hospital and the diagnosis of Tietze's syndrome led to another and lighter kind of job search, until suddenly a job as a receptionist onboard of a ferry presented itself through an "old" colleague, who knew me already from my restaurant years. I had worked for this boss before and was already familiar with sailing. So that was not a big deal to get used again to the sailing life.

I could not consume all my happiness in this job as after three years out of nothing my body gave up on me and I got stuck in the sickness benefits again and thus lost my job, getting back was not an option because, according to Danish doctors due to my sickness I was 80 to 100 percent disapproved and the labor market I could not enter due to this diagnoses. To be eligible for a benefit in Netherlands I had to be approved as healthy. In my country they say it is something that you have so just get used to it, the doctors don't even take it as a serious matter. So why was it approved by the World Health Organisation in my country.  And so it happened that I was all of a sudden fully fit again. (on paper)

And that just that my illness is mentioned here only as a condition and it is difficult to be in between two camps (countries) that are having a totally different opinion. In my last reassessment, I became pretty angry about this matter. "But according to you guys there is nothing wrong with me, at least that is what you say so I am fit enough to enter the labour market fully," I yelled at the doctor. And I said that I otherwise would have to work illegal and when I would collapse we would see what will happen. The doctor decided to take the matter into his own hands, and gave me the answer "But you can always get back later into the sickness benefit." If I am feeling well I may fully work?
Hmm.... strange that I am a 100% fit to work and that I can do everything I want. I hope very soon to begin as a bus driver. Twenty hours until thirty hours per week I will bring everyone from point A to point B. Of course I had a medical exam and there is nothing that should obstruct me in my job.

It took several months for the people of the UWV realized that I'm unstopable, they approved me well and hopefully will also my benefit money partly stop. Driving on the bus that's my new challenge in this life and experience is the big stumbling block for the employers. Because yes, I think that working with people is great. "But I'd better be listening to my body now and I already had a wonderful job at sea, but the high stress level in this case was the killer. When I see how relaxed I am now, I am thinking sometimes. ''This should have happened much earlier, when I was still in a good "shape".Although this will be a job on a temporary base, I will be starting a new episode in my life.

The Old Sailor