Sick and tired of the Corona virus

Dear Bloggers,

I have been away for a while again as most of my family members are still suffering from the Corona virus that has struck the planet. Well I had the feeling that we were the lucky ones that we only got the mild symptoms. On the evening of the 12^th of March Ifound my wife in bed being feverish 38,4 degrees Celcius (approx 101 degrees Fahrenheit) She had this for 2 days and some pressure on her chest. We are not that quickly surprised as she lives with Asthma for more than 20 years. The second night she had respiratory problems and her lips turned blue for a little while when I phoned to the doctors office her breath stabilized. After these two days she was still a bit short of breath and quickly tired. I called my boss and the medical advisors of the country and they told me to stay home and self isolate with our family.

The house is alway stocked up for a four weeks survival as we do only do shopping for fresh things like vegetables and fruits. Meat and Bread we have standard in the freezer. No need to panic as toilet rolls are always on stock as well. Next victims were our oldest daughter (who works in Kruidvat a health,beauty and Pharmacy shop) and me. Practicly the same things but with a sore throat and a dry cough and tremendous headache. Our youngest daughter only had a cough for a few days and was feeling a bit weak.The advises of the government were a bit shady as one office said 24 hours after the fever you could go back to work as the other office said to stay at home for 2 weeks after the fever????? My Boss (I work as a driver on commuter busses) ordered to stay at home for the 2 weeks and so I did.I went to work again and I actually felt fine although after work I was totally wasted.

And I kept going with this dry cough. After the second week I came home being short of breath and had the cold sivers. I measured 34 degrees Celcius (93,2 Fahrenheit) and called the doctor again. My daughter stayed feverish with high and low temperatures. The doctor came to our house fully covered up due to Covid-19 and checked me out. I have no fever anymore and a mild pneumonia in my left lung. My daughter is admitted to the Hospital to check on other causes than the Corona virus. Still there is no testing on Coronavirus.

Now in the weekend on the 17^th of April my wife is having a massive asthma attack and gasps for help as she turns blue in the face the paramedics arrive and rush her of to the hospital. With hardly any chance to say goodbye to her. There is no way to visit or join a patient who is a suspected case of Covid-19. Late in the evening the Hospital calls that she is pretty much stabilized and I can come and collect her. As I am coughing I am not allowed inside and the nurse is bringing her in a wheelchair to our car.

Well let me explain a bit of this silly symptom called a dry cough it is a bit like the heavy smokers among us will recognise. That hurling sound that you make and goes away with first smoke. This is all explained by a medical doctor as this one of the symptoms of Covid-19.

A dry cough is a cough where no phlegm or mucus is produced (known as non-productive). A dry cough is irritating and usually associated with a tickly throat. Dry coughs are often caused by viral illnesses such as colds and flu, but they can also be caused by allergies or throat irritants.
Specific treatment for a dry cough will depend on the cause of the cough.
How long does a cough normally last?
Coughs associated with a cold or the flu tend to last a week or 2, most clearing up within about 3 weeks. A post-viral cough may persist for several (up to about 8) weeks after a viral illness, while some coughs persist for longer and are usually a sign of an underlying problem.
In adults and children, a cough is described as acute (short term) if you have been coughing for up to 2 weeks. In adults, a cough that lasts for more than 8 weeks is described as a chronic (ongoing) persistent cough. In children, a cough that lasts 2 to 4 weeks is called a prolonged acute cough. A cough that lasts more than 4 weeks is considered to be a chronic cough.

Causes of dry cough

A dry cough is often the result of:

• a viral illness, such as a cold or influenza (the flu), or Covid-19 the disease caused by SARS-CoV-2 – the novel coronavirus; or
• a post-viral, or post-infective, cough (cough that persists for weeks after a viral illness).
  

However, a dry cough may be a result of other problems, such as:

• Asthma
• smoking;
• Hay fever due to inhaling substances you are allergic to, such as pollen, dust or pet dander;
• certain types of lung disease known as interstitial lung disease; or
• a side effect from a medicine (for example, cough is a possible side effect of most ACE inhibitors – often prescribed for high blood pressure).
  

Other, less common, causes of a dry cough include like heart failure and lung cancer
A dry cough can be aggravated by:

• breathing cold, dry air;
• air pollution;
• inhaled irritants such as dust or smoke;
• exposure to tobacco smoke;
• excessive use of your voice; or
• a change in temperature.
  

Complications

Can I hurt myself coughing?

When a cough is severe, pulled chest muscles and even fractured ribs are a possible complication.

Diagnosis and tests

Your doctor will ask about your cough and any other symptoms you may have, and perform a physical examination. Depending on your age, history and examination, your doctor may order tests such as:

• a chest X-ray;
• a throat swab (sample of secretions from the back of your throat which can be tested for infections);

Dry coughs are often related to a viral illness and in most cases special tests are not needed.

When should you seek medical advice about a dry cough?

You should you seek medical advice if:

• you start to cough up blood or copious amounts of mucus (phlegm);
• you are short of breath or wheezy;
• the cough is mainly at night;
• you have associated chest pain;
• you have a fever;
• you are a cigarette smoker;
• you have a hoarse voice;
• the cough is associated with vomiting or a choking sensation;
• you have other symptoms such as an ongoing headache, sore ears or a rash;
• you have recently lost weight or have general muscle aches;
• the cough is in an infant aged 6 months or younger;
• the cough has lasted longer than 10 days, with little or no improvement; or
• you have high blood pressure, a heart complaint, respiratory illness (such as asthma), gastrointestinal problems or are taking other medicines.
  

Treatments for dry cough

Dry coughs that are caused by a viral infection such as a cold usually get better on their own within a week or two. Self-help measures can help make you feel better in the meantime, and cough medicines may provide some short-term relief to adults with a dry cough.
Other treatments for dry cough will depend on the cause.

Self-help for dry cough

There are some simple things you can do to provide relief from a dry cough.
Honey can help treat a dry cough by coating and soothing the back of the throat (pharynx), and relieving the irritation that triggers a dry cough. Try drinking warm water containing honey and lemon, or taking one to 2 teaspoons of honey 30 minutes before bedtime. Note that honey should not be given to children younger than 12 months of age due to the risk of infant botulism (a rare bacterial infection).
Drinking plenty of liquids can help, and warm broths or teas may help soothe your throat.
Gargling salt water (in older children and adults) may also help with a dry cough associated with a cold and sore throat.

Dry cough can be a side effect of some medicines such as ACE inhibitors and beta blockers (used to treat high blood pressure and heart problems). Your doctor may recommend stopping any medicines that could be causing your cough and replacing them with other suitable medicines for your particular condition. Talk to your doctor about alternative medicines if you are having this problem.
Repeated coughing from any cause can irritate and inflame the larynx (voice box) and upper airways. So the coughing itself makes your airways more sensitive, leading to more coughing. Strategies that can help you reduce the urge to cough and help stop this type of self-perpetuating cough include:

• taking a sip of water with a hard swallow when you feel like coughing or clearing your throat; and
• avoiding any triggers that you know tend to aggravate your cough, such as overuse of your voice, cigarette smoke, or excessively cold, dry air such as from air conditioning.
  
  
  
  
  

Still I think that I have only mild symptoms and they are though and yes the ones that are

Hospitalised are in a severe condition being on oxygen is scary. The ones that are ending up on ventilators are the ones to pray for as many of them will not make it back to their loved ones and that is the worst thing in live that can happen to you. Stay as much as you possibly can away from other people. When it hits you it might destroy you and everyone you love. This virus will get the biggest guys one there knees it even kills very healthy people.

Stay safe and stay healthy.

The Old Sailor,

Getting sick of being busy

Dear Bloggers, 
 
My thoughts are spinning through my head as I write this down tears are running down my cheeks. It is very sad how beloved persons are slipping through our fingers. The brain is a strange peace of equipment and it can do strange things. I just drove home from a night shift as my mind was running around in circles.

Thinking about the roller coaster life that I am leading. Outside there is nothing left of the summer weather as rain bashes on my screen and the smell of a died out fireplace enters the car. My wife is having trouble again with her anxiety, our kids went to new schools this week and my mother in law has been taken into care as she is suffering from Parkinson's an Dementia my father in law is not able anymore to take the full day and night care of her. It is pretty tough for both of them. But the home were she stays is giving her good care.

Dementia is often viewed as a disease of the mind, an illness that erases treasured memories but leaves the body intact.

But dementia is a physical illness, too and a progressive, terminal disease that shuts down the body as it attacks the brain. Although the early stages can last for years, the life expectancy of a patient with advanced dementia is similar to that of a patient with advanced cancer.
 

The continued focus on treatment to prolong life often means that pain relief is inadequate, and symptoms like confusion and anxiety are worsened. I think it suggests that family members would be far less likely to subject their loved ones to such treatment if they had a better understanding of dementia as progressive, debilitating illness that ultimately shuts down the body after years of mental deterioration.

“When family members understand the clinical course of dementia and the poor prognosis, the patients were far less likely to undergo these distressing interventions,” I would say that: “Dementia is a terminal illness and needs to be recognized as such so these patients receive better palliative care.”
Our mother in law is suffering from Parkinson's disease and to me there are a lot of similarities to Alzheimer's. 

As a teenager, I saw a neighbour decline from Alzheimer's disease. During his final months, he was repeatedly treated for infections and put in restraints or sedated to control agitation.

“Seeing my mother in law in that state is so distressing that I will eventually stop taking the grandchildren to visit,” Simply transferring a dementia patient from the nursing home to a hospital can lead to confusion, falls or a decline in eating which in turn, often leads to further treatment.

Geriatricians say a large part of the problem is that the patients are unable to make their wishes known. In the absence of a living will, family members often struggle with guilt and are afraid to stop the aggressive treatment because they do not want to be seen as abandoning a loved one in mental decline.Doctors need to spend more time explaining the prognosis for advanced dementia, making it clear that palliative care does not mean less care. 
 
When I go there on a Sunday to visit my mother in law and take her for a strawl, I enjoy the home that breathes slowly and reminds me that on the outside of this building the real crazy people are running around in circles. Driving in a full panic state with their SUV with the kids in the back to all kinds of sports. That is why I do not like the pressure were we are under nowadays.

I saw a dear friend a few days ago. I stopped by to ask her how he was doing, how his family was. He looked up, voice lowered, and just whimpered: “I’m so busy… I am so busy… have so much going on.”

Almost immediately after, I ran into another friend and asked him how he was. Again, same tone, same response: “I’m just so busy… got so much to do.”
The tone was exacerbated, tired, even overwhelmed.

How did we create a world in which we have more and more and more to do with less time for leisure, less time for reflection, less time for community, less time to just… be? Welcome to the land of Burn Outs.

This disease of being “busy” (and let’s call it what it is, the dis-ease of being busy, when we are never at ease) is spiritually destructive to our health and well being. It stops our ability to be fully present with those we love the most in our families, and keeps us from forming the kind of community that we all so desperately crave.

Since the 1950s, we have had so many new technological innovations that we thought (or were promised) would make our lives easier, faster, simpler. Yet, we have no more “free” or leisurely time today than we did decades ago.
For some of us, the “privileged” ones, the lines between work and home have become blurred. We are on our devices. (getting the bended neck syndrome) All The Freaking Time. Smart phones and laptops mean that there is no division between the office and home. When the kids are in bed, we are back online.

The reality looks very different for others. For many, working two jobs in low-paying sectors is the only way to keep the family afloat. Twenty percent of our children are living in poverty, and too many of our parents are working minimum wage jobs just to put a roof over their head and something resembling food on the table. We are so busy.

The old models, including that of a nuclear family with one parent working outside the home, have passed away for most of us. We now have a majority of families being single families, or where both parents are working outside the home. It is not working. It is modern slavery to pay all the bills from the tax office etc.

It doesn’t have to be this way.
I am not asking how many items are on your to-do list, nor asking how many items are in your inbox. I want to know how your heart is doing, at this very moment. Tell me. Tell me your heart is joyful, tell me your heart is aching, tell me your heart is sad, tell me your heart craves a human touch. Examine your own heart and explore your soul, and then tell me something about your heart and your soul.

Tell me you remember you are still a human being, not just a human doing. Tell me you’re more than just a machine, checking off items from your to-do list. Have that conversation, that glance, that touch. Be a healing conversation, one filled with grace and presence.


We need a different relationship to work, to technology. We know what we want: a meaningful life, a sense of community, a balanced existence. It’s not just about “leaning in” or faster iPhones. We want to be truly human.
How exactly are we supposed to examine the dark corners of our soul when we are so busy? How are we supposed to live the examined life?

Somehow we need a different model of organizing our lives, our societies, our families, our communities. I want my kids to be dirty, messy, even bored and learning to become human. I want us to have a kind of existence where we can pause, look each other in the eye, touch one another, and inquire together:


Let us insist on a type of human-to-human connection where when one of us responds by saying, “I am just so busy,” we can follow up by saying, “I know, love. We all are. But I want to know how your heart is doing.”

The Old Sailor,

That is my wish...

Dear Bloggers,

Sometimes there are moments in life where shivers run down your spine. This may be of emotion, love, fun moments on television because you're sick, happy or maybe sad or filled with grief. Outside these emotions or feelings, there are many other causes consisting of emotion and chills. When I look up to the sky, I see the beautiful white clouds floating and an airplane flies over with a leaving a beautiful white trail behind on its way towards the sun. Sitting at the computer at home I hear the music on the radio as an emotional tone makes my thoughts play.

Listening to Glennis Grace a great Dutch artist singing “Dat is mijn wens,” translated “That is my wish,”I remember most of the beautiful things in my life. The life which today includes also anxiety, panic, stress and aggression. My mind changed after I fell down the stairs some years ago and I never found the old me back. kicking people to death has become nearly normal in today's society, or shooting people for no reason as well.

It also became normal to insult others or abuse persons in a public job has become one of the most normal things in life. The word "respect" that everyone knows has become totally meaningless. You may try it but it seems to be an impossible task to correct people their behavior. People live in fear of "something might trigger them." And the only way to pay for it is my life. It is scandalous.

 

I think everyone who reads this, has a fun moment in his life and can bring forward something from his or her childhood. Moments from the highest classes of elementry school that you were at camp and you were dating and later saw that she was the cutest or ugliest girl or boy of the class. Children like my daughter Danique, who is dancing to music of K3, slip into the thought that they are playing outside going of the slide, and sleep under a blanket of Winnie the Pooh.

 

Often I wish applicable to the number Glennis Grace, that people could be that child again. Rather than the age, gaming or the leisure. But the variation of thoughts that children have, never have to worry and especially that they are having no real stress or feelings of anxiety or other "common evils". No they rather looking on the bright side of life.

Children are enjoying small things like a cup of tea, a glass of lemonade or a delicious candy. They can enjoy nature, that birds are singing, playing tag or hide and seek behind a thin tree where a parent is actually too thick for it. Nowadays the life about of care and concern. Take care of your immediate family, friends or other very important people in your life. Take care of your family, wife and / or child (ren). 

Of course sometimes it's just not easy, and of course "sometimes" something like that can take years. Life does not go hand in hand with everyday joy, love and romance. Sometimes years go by illness, accident or "it's not today" moment. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to people close to us or someone we should support in his mind as the sun doesn’t shine, but you rather see clouds, and that there are a lot of them that go past you.

Support people, help people or give people the help that they need. As relatives, friends or family grab each other's hand and go happily through this life. When we see children on the news or in the newspapers that carry a gun or tell them while playing tag their brother could be lost because he stepped on a mine, then I'm happy with my wife and daughters, so I doubly enjoy those little things that makes life in the Netherlands not that bad. 

Because what can beat the thought of walking arm in arm on the beach, under a sun that slowly goes down in the North Sea. My daughters running in front of us finding one after the other shell, that looks like a win for their collection! one family, one thought, one feeling to make a desirable family complete. That is my wish...........

The Old Sailor,

The Pneumonia

Dear Bloggers,

Everyone's been sick from time to time, and by definition, it's never fun. No matter what you enjoy doing, illness invariably dampens -- or in many cases entirely eliminates -- the potential for good times. Of course, not all illnesses are created equal; some will interrupt your life a lot more than others, which is why I'm here today to tell you about my wife who had a recent bout of influenza that turned into full-blown pneumonia.

You Can Die From This. Yes, You Can.
Let's get the scary and dramatic part out of the way first. Anyone who gets pneumonia and either a) doesn't recognize what they have or b) chooses not to have it treated, can die. If you think that pneumonia can only kill the very young and very old, you're mostly right. However, if you don't seek treatment and follow your doctor's orders, you can be one of the people who have the prime of their life cut short unnecessarily. While medical science has come a long way, and conditions like pneumonia are very treatable in most cases, you need to take it seriously.

You Can't Fight What You Don't Know You Have
This is her second bout of pneumonia; the last one was about ten years ago, in April 2002. The first time she got it, I thought it was strange that the cold she had was seemingly getting worse and worse. She couldn't seem to shake it. She was also very fatigued, and would start running out of breath easily. Than I thought it is probably her asthma that is troubling her. Now I know better. The final straw that caused her to go into the doctor's office was a strange sound when she would take a deep breath. It sounded as if there was tissue paper in her chest that was crinkling, especially at the end of an exhalation. It also hurt quite a bit when she needed to cough. She did not, by the way, have a high fever that time, nor was she coughing up stuff. But the breathing sounds and the pains were pretty disturbing.

Diagnosing and Treating Pneumonia
The medical people are pretty good at diagnosing pneumonia these days. First they check your usual vital signs. Then they use a stethoscope and listen to your chest while you breathe.First of all they will give you a treatment with some antibiotics and you should be back on your feet in a week. If not you should go and see  the doctor again. If it seems to be a bacterial pneumonia which is likely, they give you a chest x-ray. Pneumonia is easy to see; there will be an area of the x-ray of your lungs that shows the infection.

In this case, She'd acquired influenza type a (aka, the flu) probably from a co worker a few days earlier. (Most likely scenario.) When you get the flu, one of the problems (in addition to the miserable fever and aching body) is that your immune system goes to hell, leaving you susceptible to other problems. This time, Lucky her, she was familiar with the sensation of pneumonia, so I called the Doctor for some advise as she was colouring blue in the face and her hands were pale, and begrudgingly we went to our local on duty MD on Monday evening. Everything seemed pretty good until they checked her O2 level, which was at 99%. That's strange and a lot better than I expected to see. The Doc laughed a bit and had his doubts about the pneumonia. But the bigger sign was when she started coughing... and dropped nearly to the ground in pain. So we were send of to the Hospital to get an x-ray to be made and to take some blood samples.
Despite the fact that her influenza was viral-based, the pneumonia is a separate disease that's a bacterial infection, and has to be treated with strong antibiotics. The first line of attack was an cure of humangous tablets Claritromycin. Side note: these tablets are so hard to swallow if you hardly can breath and they taste awful so it made her throwing up.... at first. Later on, it may feel like someone kicked you in the mouth while wearing steel-toed boots, though. The antibiotic parade kept marching; The Doctor was concerned about the pneumonia enough to treat it more aggressively, which is why he prescribed two different antibiotics after that. I have been taking both Prednisolon and Ciprofloxacin, and just a few days later, this onslaught of bug killers seem to be working well.

The Cure Hurts Too
While she appreciates the need to go in and clean house, so to speak, in her lungs, the problem with antibiotics (especially multiple strong ones as she is on) is that they tend not to discriminate in terms of which bacteria they kill. It's like going after a terrorist cell by setting off an atomic bomb; there's going to be some collateral damage. The downside of these antibiotics that it is also draining your condition level you feel like an old woman that has ran a half marathon without any form of practise. Out of breath and feeling like been ran over by a bus. Inside her lungs it probably looks like the aftermath of the bombardment on the city of Rotterdam during the Second World War. Or when the tropical storm Katrina left a trail of dubree. Everything that survived this big blow is standing but is it still strong enough for a second blow. So, all of the "good bacteria" that lives in your gut will also be eliminated, and you'll likely find that your ability to digest food is immediately gone.

It's Probably Going To Be Okay
The fact is that if you're older than 6 and younger than 65, you will probably be just fine after getting your pneumonia treated. One of the most difficult aspects of it for me has been keeping my optimism level high. Pneumonia tends to sap all of your energy, and it's easy to forget that things look a lot brighter when you have your health. In the practical matter it means that I have to fix all the work in the house, now my wife is ill not very good when you need to do a full time job and having trouble to divide my own power. You just need to trust the idea that as she defeats the bacteria in her lungs, her energy and attitude will eventually come around as well. And no I'm not the most patient person in the world, so this part is particularly difficult for me. However, I have too damn many things I want to do yet... more music, more films, more web sites, more family activities, more travel, more new experiences, more good times with friends, and more fun... that I know this mopiness is just a temporary side effect that will, soon enough, be gone. But at this moment we are like an old and sick couple that is tired and wants to sleep all day.

I'm looking forward to time she is getting better and I am getting back to my usual silly self. And I will.

The Old Sailor,

The day that I nearly lost everything.

Dear Bloggers,

So here's the scenario. About a year ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and I did get the the Talk. The doctor in question gives a lot of these talks, and is determined that we shouldn't miss a single word. We are shown a figure with red dots for the trigger points, and she begins to describe what's happened, in mind-numbing detail. I mention that I'm a guy that learned some Latin and Medical terms had my interrest for a long time, and I knew about Rheumatic problems already quite a few things as I have been strawling through medical books and of course on the internet. We have to listen. To all of it. She is, she tells us, the expert, and no-one for miles around knows as much about Rheuma as she does (My doc at home does probably know nothing at all at least I share that opinion).

I kind of loose my temper a bit as I realize that I am stuck on this bloody sickness for the rest of my days, The doc ignores me and disappears for a short while. We might need her again in the future whispers my wife and I am ashamed of myself. Due to the fact that there will be not much progress in the coming year, I will definately lose my job and have less income. My boss is giving me notice and I can sense that this is difficult for both of us. I had so much fun doing this job but my body decided in a hard way that this was not going o work any longer. I hated myself for quite a while and had to get my feet back on the ground and suite myself with a new style of living. A slower and more balanced life would do myself good. I will compare to someone that is stuck in a body of an eighty years old man who has been working hard all his live but now his worn out body is holding him back due to pain all over. Accepting it is not that easy, the pain is something you learn to live with. My wife told me one day that no one is getting happier when I am complaining, I guess that she was right so I stopped doing that.

The doctor returns, I apologise very nicely (as I have been instructed by my wife), and we proceed. We are told again that we need to come back for some more tests on Monday. We are given some booklets to read ourselves and that was it. Totally devistated we leave the doctors room. All of a sudden some horrific pictures of the worst case scenario run through my brain (a man like me with what looks like a wheelchair and his head is hanging down on his chest; I'm still not sure what that was supposed to be).

In the time being at home, I worked myself back up to certain level and got back to work. I started a job to become a bus driver on a commuters bus for the summer season. If it would not work out with my body and brain, I could simply pull the plug as I am hired through a temps office. In the beginning it was hell as I had to stick a lot of information into my brain which was still foggy due to the amount of medication that I have been using to settle the pain level. I look at it as a drug user that becomes clean, that also takes a couple of weeks before the brain is clear again. 

The money is coming back in although the amount is lower and deducted from my dole money of course. Our holiday? we can simply skip as I am hired for the summer season. Again I feel tears burning as I cannot spend money on my loved ones. That's ok, says she and my kids are fine with it, I still feel like that I am failing somehow. We cannot go on our holiday, maybe next year. Whe sat down one evening when I was still home, we decided to sell this beautiful house and buy something a bit smaller as cleaning and doing the garden became to much for me and for my wife it is too much too handle on her own. Certainly we like to get a reasonable price for it, but still it is not been sold. But what about the housing market after the recession banks do not dare to take any risks anymore. In the mean time we are still living here and although the garden is getting more and more a mess. I mow the lawn and my eldest daughter is helping me with it. The rest of the garden is not in a great condition. Ah, That's ok, because we can sell it for abit less and move on. Hmmm......sounds like my wife gave up on it too. We have seen a nice house on internet with enough space for all of us and with a suitable garden. We would get on a lower mortgage and we could save a few euros to go out for a long weekend. That would be at least long enough for me. 

Well, at least we can sit at home and read... 

The Old Sailor,

Do you believe there is a God?

Dear Bloggers,

This morning I woke up at five and had a sad kind of feeling over me. My thoughts wandered of again to my younger days. I do not have that many memories left after my accident unless the memories had a very deep impact on my live. But first of all let me do some introducion on the story. This story goes back more than 20 years. My dad had a stable with ponys and those were for rent as it was his hobby many guys and girls helped on a volunteerly base to get the stable going and keep the prices affordable for everyone. Carolien was one of them and she was a good looking young girl who lived during the holidays on a campsite with her family. She had a lot of headaches during the summer period but no one came to the conclusion that there was something wrong inside as she was a happy and cheerful girl. What a shame that she was ripped out of our lives and my God what have these parents gone through.

 My daughter is slowly climbing up to the time of adolescence and it reminds me of these days that I was struggling with hormones, emotions and all other interests in the other sex. But deep inside I was too shy to get involved with these girls. I am not a Don Juan and that was what God had forbidden. I was brought up with religion and I had to go to church during my youth. I stopped believing after one of my dearest friends was killed by a brain tumor and our dear God did nothing to save her. God killed my friend or at the very least stood by doing nothing while she died, while allowing people like surgeon’s who did not recognize this to live on with no regrets.

My friend, we’ll call her Carolien, died this past weekend at the age of 14. She was diagnosed having a severe headache problem but no one thought that it would be a brain tumor, and she could have had every type of surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy possible at that time, but no one came to the idea that she would have a brain tumor. When she collapsed at the volleybal training they rushed her into the operating theatre and tried to remove the tumor or at least to make it smaller. It was to far grown to remove it and it was not good enough to save her. She was sweet, caring, beautiful, and strong; she had recently gotten into high school and had a lifetime worth of goals and dreams ahead of her. Carolien had made plans for her future, and eventually becoming a mother. She volunteered in her community and was kind to everyone she met, regardless of whether she personally liked them. She was active in her church, sharing her many talents with anyone who asked.

Let me now add a disclaimer that I don’t believe in a God – there are a lot of things we don’t understand about the universe, and I don’t pretend to have any answers. But when my friend died, I couldn’t help but wonder how someone who believes in a God can justify what happened to her. It’s the classic question – “why do bad things happen to good people?” See, I understand that religious people generally believe in free will, so sometimes when bad things happen to us it’s a result of some action we took. For instance, if I drove my car to the grocery store while it was snowing and got into an accident injuring myself, it’s reasonable to assume that my choice to go for a drive while the roads were slippery played a role in my injuries. It was my choice, and I paid the consequences, despite how inherently good or bad I might be. I also understand that the definition of “good” or “bad” is going to vary between people.

However, I’m not sure of anyone that would consider an early death, like what Carolien had to endure, a good thing. And I don’t think her brain tumor had anything to do with a choice she made (in contrast to some cancers, like lung, which are often caused by an action like smoking). There was nothing she could have done or put into her body that caused that brain tumor – it was some sort of perverse accident, a deadly combination of genetics and environmental factors beyond her control. So then I ask, if you believe in God, what is your justification for this occurrence? Why did God give Carolien a brain tumor (or allow her to die of a brain tumor) while letting serial rapists live? Why did God allow a tsunami to kill over 200,000 people in 2004, while doing nothing to stop a repeat child-molester? Is it because “God works in mysterious ways”? That response always seemed like a bit of a cop-out – if you don’t know the answer, say so. Did my friend sin, and this was her punishment? I don’t buy that – she wasn’t perfect (no one is), but there are many people in this world far worse. Did God smite her just for his own amusement? Or it is possible, just maybe, that God had nothing to do with any of this – that sometimes life sucks and good people pay the consequence?

If God is loving and all-powerful, then he would have saved my friend. He wouldn’t have let her die before her parents, leaving behind a friend who is now considering with continued attention what goals he has left that didn’t involve a lifetime with her. The world is a worse place today, because Carolien is no longer here to share her love and talents with the rest of us. I wrote this blog in loving memory of my dear friend Carolien may she rest in peace for the love of all.

The Old Sailor,

Nobody said it would be easy, Nobody told it would be this hard.

Dear Bloggers,


Sundayafternoon we visited my Dad who is hospitalized with stomachproblems.
When I entered the room I saw a broken man who became very quickly old and fragile.
Not really the picture that I remembered from the last time that I saw him.
He was sounding depressed as he was telling that his head could not follow all the things that he wanted to do. He had not that long ago a few minor strokes which effected his memory.

I all of sudden realized that he feels trapped in his body as the mind and body are not working on the same frequences anymore. and that I can tell you is a horrible feeling. I had a similair feeling after I fell of the stairs a couple of years ago and my brain was heavily disturbed by the fall. My God I was so frustrated as I knew excactly what I would say but there were no words. I still have problems in places where a lot of people come together and make a lot of noise.

My Dad is not a real complainer but you can easily sense that he had enough. My mind is making overtime and I somehow had the feeling that this might be his last moments, hours,days of his life. He is mising my Mum still every day, eventhough she passed away a couple of years ago. She was the engine of our entire family as friends were always welcome and most of the time she had fresh brewed coffee. It really grabs me by the troath if I think about what might come, do not think that I am down or depressed as it is all a part of the daily life.

I have to call myself lucky as I did not loose a parent on a younger age due to a car accident or what so ever could have happened. This came to my mind as a car crashed in front of me when I drove back from Leeuwarden on line 14, the things that flashed through my head when I saw the fire brigade busy to cut the victim out of his vehicle. I will light a candle for a dear lost one today and I should do this every day.

No one said it would be this hard either. Screaming, shaking, crying. Cascades of water running like rivers down my face. He doesn't care. She doesn't care. Does anyone in this world care anymore? If you care so much for someone, why do they continually hurt you? Is this what life is going to be? Loosing yourself is like a never ending domino effect. Is that how every decision in life is? Every decision effects someone in an entirely different way than you can even imagine? I think that's how it is. If it weren't for that, crazy things would be happening all over the world.

We are a generally self centered people. We say we don't want people to kill themselves (or whatever... make a bad decision, ect.) because we care, which is true, we do care, but we are mostly worried about ourselves. What we would go through if they were gone. What would happen to us, not neccissarily what would happen to them. Why is it this way? Why can't we be focused on the others and not ourselves? I believe there are some people in the world that would care if about the person more than what happened to themselves, but honestly how many are there? Are most of the people in this world just as selfish as me?

What about the people who don't know how to care? How do we teach them? Can they learn to care if they don't care? I honestly don't know if they can. Man there are a lot of questions in my head. If you care for someone who has no need to be cared for or anyone that is done with this life their reaction is not a fun thing to recieve. They push you in every direction away from their heart. You can't even know their true colors anymore. It's a difficult thing. It makes you feel that you want to give up and give in, but you can't. Because you swore to yourself you never would. How can you be there for a person who has no idea what to do with his life? How do you go about showing them that they have a future? I don't understand these things. Are they pointless, or worth it. There are so many thoughts spinning and whirling through my head. I don't know what to do in this case with myself. He doesn't care. She doesn't care. Does anyone care?

Nobody said it would be easy. Nobody told it would be this hard.

The Old Sailor,

Finally back to work again

Dear Bloggers,


I am 42 and live in Friesland, and I would love to work, but benefits agency UWV gives me hard time. Yet I am now only a busdriver with a lack of experience. It was difficult but I have paid my own training and exams so I made it myself. Yet I feel that the benefits agency does not enough for me to get me to work. I am applying to everything that is available and possible for me to do. If it comes to jobs it is pretty hard to find a suitable job in the Northern regions as there are not that many available.

I worked for a period of time as a truck driver. In 2005 I all of a sudden suffered from a sudden pain between the ribs when I was loading and unloading. Still I continued working until that one wet summerday, during that day with heavy rain I got a bad pneumonia. Pain in the ribs and the result was that subsequently lifting became impossible and that's difficult when you bring around beer kegs. I ended up in hospital and got into the sickness benefits as part of my left lung had collapsed, after a period of recovery I could sometimes on a good day I was able to drive a concrete mixing truck

I could not even walk normally and also went to the pain clinic in hospital as the pain got worse and worse. After a year and a half it was a lot better with me and I wanted to work again. From my eighteenth I've already been working fulltime jobs. First in the hospitality and later on the truck. I've never sat still one minute and always worked hard. I was getting crazy sitting at home doing nothing. But if I was doing to much again I was punished straight away. The pain pulling through felt like having a cardial problem and that was how the medics reacted the first few times and I was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room.

My body was examined in hospital and the diagnosis of Tietze's syndrome led to another and lighter kind of job search, until suddenly a job as a receptionist onboard of a ferry presented itself through an "old" colleague, who knew me already from my restaurant years. I had worked for this boss before and was already familiar with sailing. So that was not a big deal to get used again to the sailing life.

I could not consume all my happiness in this job as after three years out of nothing my body gave up on me and I got stuck in the sickness benefits again and thus lost my job, getting back was not an option because, according to Danish doctors due to my sickness I was 80 to 100 percent disapproved and the labor market I could not enter due to this diagnoses. To be eligible for a benefit in Netherlands I had to be approved as healthy. In my country they say it is something that you have so just get used to it, the doctors don't even take it as a serious matter. So why was it approved by the World Health Organisation in my country.  And so it happened that I was all of a sudden fully fit again. (on paper)

And that just that my illness is mentioned here only as a condition and it is difficult to be in between two camps (countries) that are having a totally different opinion. In my last reassessment, I became pretty angry about this matter. "But according to you guys there is nothing wrong with me, at least that is what you say so I am fit enough to enter the labour market fully," I yelled at the doctor. And I said that I otherwise would have to work illegal and when I would collapse we would see what will happen. The doctor decided to take the matter into his own hands, and gave me the answer "But you can always get back later into the sickness benefit." If I am feeling well I may fully work?
Hmm.... strange that I am a 100% fit to work and that I can do everything I want. I hope very soon to begin as a bus driver. Twenty hours until thirty hours per week I will bring everyone from point A to point B. Of course I had a medical exam and there is nothing that should obstruct me in my job.

It took several months for the people of the UWV realized that I'm unstopable, they approved me well and hopefully will also my benefit money partly stop. Driving on the bus that's my new challenge in this life and experience is the big stumbling block for the employers. Because yes, I think that working with people is great. "But I'd better be listening to my body now and I already had a wonderful job at sea, but the high stress level in this case was the killer. When I see how relaxed I am now, I am thinking sometimes. ''This should have happened much earlier, when I was still in a good "shape".Although this will be a job on a temporary base, I will be starting a new episode in my life.

The Old Sailor