Men and Women are not that different

Dear Bloggers,

It took me a little while to write a story again as there have been a lot of things going lately in my life and this can make it pretty hard to sit down for a while and relax and get the brain going on and find a suitable subject to spread my thoughts on the net. This time I made the choice about the friendships between the guys and girls, well according to me there are not that many differences although I think that most women are a bit more tactful in their answers and men have more often a stronger opinion about difficult issues.

Women surprise themselves regularly about the fact that men can settle a big fight with a beer, a men's night which consists watching football, poker, a game night or going out to the pub, important events are superficially informed towards the other guys, and so we can still go on.

Men are amazed about the women; why every single event needs to be told in detail as it can be done in two minutes? Why are women being so difficult in this and remain stuck in that one remark made by that one friend? Why must everything be so over analyzed?

Are there real differences between the friendships between men and women, or is it most based on prejudices and stereotypes? To me one thing is clearly. Men do more physically and talk less. Women find talking just more important than sharing their hobbies. The emphasis is on friendship between women therefore more based on intimacy and openness, while men believe more in things as status and physical fitness being more important.

This would be a confirmation of the stereotypes: by itself being men and talkative women.

But is this so, is there really so much duality? There are hundreds of studies on gender differences put together in a meta-analysis, and there were still be some other results coming forward! They looked at the differences in language and feelings and guess what? Men and women were not as different as we previously were thinking. The conclusion is that men and women normally are psychologically seen the same. This rule has some exceptions, but these exceptions are not important in terms of friendships. What is particularly relevant for friendships is how easy intimate and frank a person with another person speaks. And about this fact, there were precisely these supposed men and women differences. But there appears to intimacy and frankness there is only a very small gender difference. Women were found "showing a little something more" of themselves than men.

How is it possible that friendships between the two sexes still are as different as the needs for intimacy and frankness on both sides is present? The answer is simply that we focus too much on the differences between them, and they will be made much bigger in mind. With the result that the idea that we have on men friendships and women friendships would be different from the reality. Conclusion: We are brought up to think in stereotypes. Silly isn’t it?

Mostly studies that are done about these subjects are build up with questions in which people are asked how they would describe their friendships. And because this is such a general question, we can not but give a general description, or fall back on the idea that we have about it. And that idea is influenced by stereotypes.

The idea that there is a totally different between those friendships is a myth. It is often culturally rooted and we get to hear things now and learned at once from childhood. It is in fact a story that we tell each other about how it works and how it should be. And because we tell it, it occasionally will be true. Conclusion again: Yes we are brought up to think in stereotypes.

"If people define situations as real, these situations have real consequences." The only differences in male and female friendships because we believe that they exist. Furthermore, we are all like friends alike. This is what the American sociologist William Thomas said already in 1928.

In the end we are physically different but mentally quite the same.

The Old Sailor,

What if you cam't figure out what your dream is

Dear Bloggers,

I have to make a lot of decisions at the moment and find hardly any time to follow my dreams. And I think it’s a lot less about “What if” and more about “Why don’t I know what my dream is?” and probably more importantly “Where can I find my dream?“.

If you don’t have a dream and don’t care about not having a dream – well then you probably aren’t reading this anyway. If you don’t have a dream and you do wish you had one. Then I believe that wish for a dream is actually a sign that you do have a dream… it’s just buried under some other stuff right now.

I’m going to share some possible scenarios of what could be happening here and some ideas for what to do with them:

Scenario 1: You know what your dream is, but you are scared to admit it to yourself or to others. This is completely understandable! Having a dream is scary. Having a dream and going after it means everything in tour life could change. Having a dream and going after it means taking big risks. By not admitting that you have a dream, you can avoid all of this change and risk and uncomfortable stuff.

And yet...well, it’s still uncomfortable, isn’t it?

In avoiding change and risk you also avoid the joy of the dream come true. Mostly you avoid doing the thing you really want to be doing.

Your dream isn’t a superficial thing. It’s important. It comes from your heart and your soul. It’s tied to your purpose for being here on this planet. Avoid the dream and it will not go away. It will only grow more and more difficult to avoid. But all that stuff you are avoiding? It’s real too. And it’s scary. Pretending it’s not there is not a good plan. 

 

What may work here: Admitting it very quietly by writing it in your diary or your agenda. Start to give the dream just a little bit of space. You don’t have to tell anyone else about it and you certainly don’t have to do anything about it. Just give it some space to be and see what comes of that. Baby steps.

Scenario 2: You know what your dream is, but don’t believe that you can have it, so it’s kind of uncomfortable to think about it.

Awww. First I just want to give you a hug. Everything I said above about your dream is true: Your dream isn’t a superficial thing. It’s important. It comes from your heart and your soul. It’s tied to your purpose for being here on this planet. And also: Avoid the dream and it will not go away. It will only grow more and more difficult to avoid.

That last part is even more true in this case. Your dream is really important and it is asking you to work through your fear that you don’t deserve it or can’t have it for some reason. It is asking you to believe. What may work here: Asking “What if?” What if it was OK for me to pursue this dream? What If if was OK for me to have this dream? What do I think I deserve? What would have to happen in order for me to believe I deserve more?

Forcing yourself to go after your dream won’t be helpful here, working on changing your mind about what is possible for you will be helpful. Taking some slow baby steps towards your dreams may be helpful too. Sometimes that “I don’t think I can have it” starts to fade when it sees evidence that you really can have it.

Scenario 3: There is so much that you want to do, that you can’t pick just one to identify as “your dream”. Well this is actually a fantastic situation to be in, even though it doesn’t always feel like it. I really believe it’s better to have too many ideas than too few. I always have way more ideas and dreams than I can possibly work on.

Sometimes this “I have so many things I want to do I can’t commit to one thing” is just a way of sabotaging yourself, usually due to one of the fears mentioned above, so you may want to check those out and see if any of the ideas there feel like they may be helpful to you. If that’s not it, then what is happening here is a bottleneck. Too many ideas, too little time/resources and nothing can get through. You relieve the bottleneck by choosing some dreams to work on now and putting the other dreams aside for now. If the thought of putting some dreams aside makes you freak out a little: look at what is really happening here.

If you focus on one or two dreams for now, and actually bring them to life, then it becomes much easier to go back to those other dreams and bring them to life as well. With each dream come true you become more experienced at bringing dreams to life and you open up new possibilities for how to bring your dreams to life.

But still, choosing can be hard. What may work here: Asking yourself Which dreams am I most passionate about? This might help to narrow it down. If you start to work on the dream that you are most passionate about, all that passion can help to make it happen faster, so you can get back to the other dreams.

Or you can ask yourself Which dreams feel the easiest to work on right now? which is, of course, the easier way to go. Pick the low hanging fruit. Start with the easy dreams and work your way up. It could be that nothing feels easy but something is bound to feel easier than the others.

It can be hard to put some dreams aside. I have a desktop computer that is my place to put all of my opinions, ideas and dreams in. This way it doesn’t feel like they are lost, they are waiting for their right time to be brought to life. And sometimes, because creative dreams are magic, those dreams sitting in the notebook come true all on their own. Because they’re been taken out of the bottleneck! Dreams stuck in a bottleneck tend to not come true.

Scenario 4: You really just don’t know what your dream is:

Ask yourself: If I could have anything you want, what would it be? If you had no limits. None at all. Where would you live? How would you live? What would you do? How would you spend your days? How would you feel? What kinds of hobbies would you have? What would your social life be life? Your romantic life? Your finances? Your health? Your creativity? Your spirituality?

Somewhere in all of that there must be something you dream of. Something you want to build in your world. Your dreams are about so much more than wanting things to be different than they are. Your dreams are how you express your purpose and authenticity and uniqueness. Your dreams are healing. Your dreams can make a huge difference.

You don’t have to know what your dream is before you start working on it! I know, that sounds kind of crazy but it’s true. You can make finding your dream the dream you work on! Give your dreams a chance and live them you will be so much happier.

The Old Sailor,

if we use during the holidays a little bit of common sense if it comes to gifts

Dear Bloggers,

We just celebrated Sinterklaas something similar to Christmas only thing that I still don't understand is that parent's want to buy off their guilt feelings with bigger and bigger presents. They better should be worried by the future and our planet. We absolutely could live with less stuff as long a gift comes from the heart.

If Christmas is about presents, then in 2014, my little family and I will have no more Christmas. I mean, we love the caroling and the uncle playing the piano and the cousins running around with my ten year old, daughter and the grandfather trying to get her to sit on his lap and en joying all the good food.

We have, in other words, an amazingly good time.

What we didn’t have, though, was the average €500 hole in our bank accounts, gouged out by Sinterklaaspresent spending. 

(In the Netherlands we celebrate Sinterklaas like Christmas on the 5^th of December) This year we did things a bit different. Nor did we have the credit limit like other years. No, this year only our youngest got something extra but the rest of us got only a few useful items and none of those gifts were what we didn’t really want. We only had one stressful rush of last-minute crowds at the mall.

Without the big presents, you see, we didn’t have the sensation that I, at least, normally associated with Sinterklaas, the stress. And without stress or presents, it’s not Sinterklaas, right? But of course it was. To me it was the best of Sinterklaas, the part that, research shows, makes people happiest. It was all the upside without the downside.

Let me back this up.

From November 2012 to November 2013, I and my little family, one wife, one teen girl, one minor child and two cat’s embarked on a lifestyle experiment in which we tried to live with a lower environmental impact. Among other measures, the experiment included not buying trash and not buying new gadgets that appear later on to be useless anyway.

This may sound like a lot of meaningless self-deprivation, but the question that we wanted to answer was this: Does consuming a fewer resources actually make you feel like deprivation, or is it possible that consuming less opens up another way of life that provides a more enduring satisfaction? Or let me put it another way, can we find a win-win way of life that might be happier both for us and for the whole planet? All big things will start somewhere small in my opinion!

My wife drives the family vehicle. In my little world, cars are a big item I drive a nearly 20 year old environmental unfriendly Peugeot. There are others and it is time to find a newer car with less carbon emission. No, I cannot afford to drive a newer emission free model as I have no financial resources for that, no carbon emissions. Like going by push bike is not an option for me as my work is more than 30 kilometers away unfortunately. 

On the other hand, eating and shopping local and riding bikes instead of driving cars when possible allowed us to lose the so called spare tires around our guts, cure ourselves of longstanding skin problems and insomnia and become generally healthier.

Our experiences illustrated that some uses of planetary resources improve quality of life and some may not. Indeed, we could go a long way toward dealing with the crisis in our planetary habitat.

But as Sinterklaas approached this year, the more pressing question for us was, did the season’s huge consumption of resources add something to the Sinterklaas experience or not? Since one-sixth of all retail sales occurs during the holiday season, it’s a question worth asking.

Despite the fact that people spend relatively large portions of their income on gifts, as well as time shopping for and wrapping them, such behavior apparently contributes little to holiday joy.

I’ve already told you enough to let you guess how my little family’s experience played out, but you may be surprised to learn that our findings are backed up by bona fide psychological research.

Of course, this makes perfect sense. We all know in our hearts that treasuring meaningful experiences and spending time in valued relationships at Sinterklaas, Christmas or any other part of the year make us happier than getting more stuff.

But try telling that to the grandparents at Sinterklaas or Christmas time!

The trick to a happy, sustainable, non-consumptive Sinterklaas was not, we discovered, to ignore the expectations of the people we celebrated with. We didn’t want our loved ones to feel bad. Those who expected presents should get them, we decided. Gifts, after all, are associated with the exchange of love.

Still, my wife, worried very much that it would be hard for the kids if all the cousins had presents to open and they didn’t. Try saying, “The research says you’ll be happier with less.” to a ten year old. 

So we got her some toys and contributed some toys that she had outgrown, to the poor and we wrapped them for Sinterklaas as she had not even unpacked them.

When present-opening time came, my eldest daughter didn’t care whether the present that she was opening was for her or not. Much to our surprise, she didn’t even nag about the fact that she got less this year than her little sister. What was important to her was what turned out to be important to us: the singing, the poems, the laughter, the time spent with family, and of course, the celebration.

Here I gathered some adorable gift ideas that will be affordable, adorable, and festive.

Gifts for Teachers & Tutors

Truly great teachers deserve some special recognition for their hard work and dedication. Show your appreciation at any time with a homemade cookie jar. Simply choose a glass jar with lid and fill it with your choice of ready to eat cookies or layered cookie mix. Attach a label that says, “You are one smart cookie!” and tie a festive ribbon around the neck of the jar. This is also a wonderful gift for someone in a nursing home, although a plastic jar is recommended for safety reasons. 

Gifts for Bus Drivers & Postal Workers

These hard working definitely deserve a nice gift to remind them how much we appreciate their dedication and efforts. For a great gift with almost no fuss, buy a six pack beer and affix a big ribbon and homemade gift tag with the words, “You’re an awesome Bus Driver” or whichever title fits your needs. Finish the gift by attaching a delicious bag of candies and viola… a wonderful and inexpensive gift. This gift is also wonderful for your child’s best friend.

Gifts for Beauticians and Housekeepers

This is a wonderful gift idea for those on your list whose hands and nails could use a little spoiling. Choose an attractive glass jar and fill it with lotion, nail polish, cotton balls, nail polish remover, emery boards, and all the goodies necessary for a luxurious manicure. Tie festive ribbon around the neck and affix a special bow for the top for a sweet treat - a Manicure in a Jar.

Christmas or Sinterklaas is an opportunity to be creative and discover new ways to save money while appreciating everyone who makes life just a bit more enjoyable. These gifts can be altered to suit just about anyone on your Holiday list. 

A gift that is given from the heart is more beautiful. I would say try it and stay on the budget it is more fun to give love than what money can buy.

The Old Sailor, 

No money but loads of future left

Dear Bloggers,

Childhood memories are special for everyone. I have a very happy memory of my childhood and always reminisce it with nostalgia. I was born and brought up in a small family which included my mother, father, brother and my two elder sisters. I have very fond memories of playing in our backyard, climbing trees to pluck fruits at the neighbors garden, going to the park and beach and enjoying life in general. Nobody was worried about the near future and as long we had something to eat, we were not complaining.
My dad was a operator at the coffee factory and my mother a housewife. Of all the memories, one particular memory is very important and taught me the importance of saving some money.


A nostalgic tube radio from my childhood years

Furthermore we had to help out with my dad’s hobby which was sometimes hard labour. In the evening hours we had our meal, a shower and watched some television. Some nights I had to go to bed and had a hard time to fall asleep. On my bedroom I had a nostalgic tube radio. The long copper spring wire was working as antenna and was spanned from one side to the other. Out here I listened to the programmes broadcasted by pirates like Mi Amigo, Radio Caroline and Veronica, sometimes I listened to classic stations from Russia or whatever country it was broadcasted from. The soft glow of the radio gave it somekind of mystic feeling.



We were absolutely not the richest people but we had an ok life. Eventhough my school friends went on holiday to far destinations and spend their money on daytrips, we stayed at home and slept in tents in the garden of the ponyfarm of my dad. I never felt it as a punishment as we grew up in a tourist village. And on saturday we were allowed to go out at a certain age of course. During the summer we earned some money for the food of the pony population as in the winter there was not much going on. Maybe other people found that we were pretty poor but it never bothered me. Only thing that has played my mind that we never ever went somewhere during the days that I at least can remember.



One summer, our family car suddenly broke down. Repair was the first option although it would cost a hell load of money to get this fixed.My father did not earn a very high salary and it was very difficult for us to raise that amount of money suddenly. Luckily, my father and mother had a habit of saving small amount of money regularly. This money was not touched but kept aside in case of emergencies. This amount turned out to be the exact amount required for the new second hand car. We were happy that the crisis had turned out right. Slowly we are getting into a financial crisis and we might loose our house as the mortgage puts on a lot of pressure as I only work 24 to 30 hours a week and that is not enough. My life is becoming a bad soap opera. Yes we are having the Blues, listening to myself saying: “We may be poor and there is nothing left to loose, I love you all with a smile and sometimes a small glass with booze”.


My favourite countrysinger Ilse de Lange

I realized for just a moment today that my life seems more like a country song than anything else now that I have Fibromyalgia. You know… lost my wife nearly, lost my car, lost my job and now we are getting closer that we would loose the house!!! Only it would be more like this: (Let me preface with I am NOT a song writer)

“I Lost My Sanity…Maybe it’s in The Refrigerator?“

You don’t have to touch me today, do you? I hope not, cause I might lose it if you try…You see I can’t take the slightest pat on the backside…get any closer and I might have to cry.

It’s the Fi-i-i-i-ibro it makes me fee-ee-ee-eel like such a wreck! I want a tissue for my nose, it bloody hurts everywhere my feet, my fingers and even my neck

You don’t need a home cooked dinner, do you? If so you’re gonna have to cook it for yourself! It’s alright with me if you do, just to get some rest..an hour or two would be worth all the bitchin that you’re gonna do!

It’s the Fi-i-i-i-ibro it makes me fee-ee-ee-eel like such a wreck! I want a tissue for my nose, it bloody hurts everywhere my feet, my fingers and even my neck

You see…today I lost my phone my keys my car my wife and the little bit of sanity that I had left. Bought a microwave meal and picked up a milkshake at the local drive through of Mc D. I got it all wrong but it seemed so right until I realized I was losing in this fight.

It’s the Fi-i-i-i-ibro it makes me fee-ee-ee-eel like such a wreck! I want a tissue for my nose, it bloody hurts everywhere my feet, my fingers and even my neck

I’m gettin to the end of this little country song, about something that will plague me for my whole life long. I just hope they find a cure before I lose again and find my car keys in the door, my phone in the fridge, my wife where she belongs, and my sanity….well I still haven’t found that one yet!!!!



My children learn to spend money but also how to save a little bit so there will be some light at the end of the tunnel. I learn them to enjoy small things like following butterflies in the garden, going a day to the beach with the whole family or a picknic in the park. Riding our push bikes for short trips through the forrest or even a bbq with some friends can make my day and give that holiday feeling.

It is not that bad today sailor

We were helped by the good habit of saving practiced by my parents. Before this incident, I was a spendthrift and use to spend all of my pocket money. This incident changed my way of thinking. I started to save even a little bit from my pocket money. I took to heart the saying, "Little drops of water makes the mighty ocean." Till today, I save money in whatever way I can. I have impressed upon my children the importance of saving money and have got them to do the same.

The Old Sailor,

Father's day is today

Dear Bloggers,


Here’s to all of the dads who understand that the key ingredient to being a great dad is showing up, no matter what. It seems like such a simple and obvious task. Just be there when your child needs someone to talk to or when there’s a flute concert or when there’s a football practice and they asked the parents to be there.

But, if you’ve shown up at any of these events you know from the empty seats how often it doesn’t happen. There are so many great and worthwhile excuses like having work that no one else could do or at least sending your spouse or maybe even a even worse excuse. The average person would nod their head in agreement with each one of them and say, well, you tried.

However, parenting is not about you.

Most people get that in a general sense because particularly when the child is small, they obviously need us to focus. At first, everything about being a new parent is exhausting and makes the head spin because it’s all so new, it’s necessary and there’s really no choice if the job is to be done even halfway right.

I remember when my daughter, Frédérique was brand new and I drove by a café where my friends were sitting outside, laughing and chatting. I wanted to stop and join them but Frédérique needed my attention and that came first. That was the moment I knew things had changed forever and I just needed to give in and do it.

But here’s an added twist.

In order to achieve greatness we have to be willing to show up and believe it’ll all work out. We get that belief in doses every time a parent shows up for us. That goes double when we know they had to put something else aside in order to be there, in that seat.

All of us want our children to reach beyond what seems possible or easy and go for what challenges them, what brings out their talents and then tests the boundaries at least a little. We’ve learned by now that that’s where the real rewards are waiting but if you can’t risk it and show up, your chances of finding it go way down.

That’s the exact spot where it comes in handy if you had a dad who went beyond what seemed easy or convenient and just showed up without wondering what was in it for them. They were there fitting in to the small desk or at the dinner table or standing on the sidelines and they were cheering for your success.

You wade out again into the choices and believe in the possibilities of what might be there because you have a great dad who showed up and believed in you even though you were blowing the wrong note during the flute concert or were distracted by fireflies during an outdoor game.

Dads are great at being open to the idea that your greatness is still evolving and chasing fireflies might be a part of the bigger picture.

When our children are grown up, it’s even about showing up to say nothing at all and encouraging our children to need us less because we know they now have all the tools that they need to build their own dreams. To all of you, whose great dad has passed away, may we live our lives in a way that honors their humor, their passion and their beliefs in us. Happy Father’s Day everyone!

The Old Sailor,