Growing older feels like time is catching up with me

Dear Bloggers,

I was sitting down tonight and my thoughts were about life again and how lucky I should consider myself, I have a great family and the girls are growing up faster as I thought. Even though I am enjoying every moment of all the situations that occur and the things they do discuss with us and the things that keep them busy. But also the music they are listening to (some of the songs I never heard before).

Although it is a widely accepted that, "The older you get, the faster time seems to go." But why should aging have this effect? After all, there is the parallel that says, "Time flies when you are having fun." But as we age, time flies whether we are having fun or not.

Question is of course, what's going on?
I have recently been trying to understand this question, because for the past several years many of my days have been extremely long, yet the years still seem to be accelerating.

To tackle the problem, I did an Internet search to see what others were saying on the subject. Nearly all the returns had to do with parenting. "Oh, they grow up so fast. The days are long, but the years are short." This is perhaps a partial explanation; however, since the questioning started, I figured out that it occurs just as well to people who have no children, it cannot be the whole answer.

Some other comments had to do with getting religion. "I found God at the age of 30 and every day since I have been waiting to go to His kingdom. I am now in my 80s. Oh, the days have been so long, but the years have been so short." Again perhaps a partial explanation; Hmmm....the same things I hear with non believers as believers, it cannot be the whole answer either.

Many comments were also philosophical. They said simply to accept the facts and live each day to the full. Good advice I think, but again no advance in understanding.
 

I then turned to science. I typed in the search words "psychology of time". This turned up hundreds of articles, most of which were very technical, dealing with brain structure and functions, neurotransmitters and the like. To narrow the search, I typed in both "psychology of time" and "days are long". And got nothing at all!

Finally, I decided to sit down somewhere quietly and analyse the matter myself. This turned about to be a wise decision, because I think I found the solution. It's really quite simple. It all has to do with "anticipation" and "retrospection".

Whatever the nature of our individual lives, we all anticipate things that are important to us. Then after they happen, we look back at them. For example, most school children look forward to the long summer vacation, which always seems to be an eternity away. Finally, it arrives. Then, almost before they blink an eye, it's over and they are back in school again.

Progressing from primary school to secondary school is another excruciating anticipation for a youngster, especially if the move is perceived as being an important step away from childhood into adulthood.

And so it goes on and on. When anticipated, each new significant event seems to be extremely far away. However, after the event, we regularly look back and yell out: "Did it really happen that long ago?"

Our first love, our first heartbreak, driving a car, getting a job, marriage, etc. When we look forward, all these milestones seem impossibly far in the future. However once achieved, how quickly they fade away into the past.

The older we get, the more milestones we have to look back on. So the farther and faster they appear to fade away. So if sometimes the clock may seem to have stopped, the calendar always continues racing ahead.

For me, the high point of my life was joining the army and serving as a soldier for my country was teaching me that life was not always fun. And they thought me to be disciplined. I applied for a peace keeping force post early in my career and was trained for special peace tasks. Processing the application took only about three months -- perhaps the longest three months of my life. It seemed more like three years. I was accepted but not sent abroad as the Dutch government decided differently. 

After a while I realized that I should consider myself lucky as I met guys who came back from these scattered countries – I still help some of them with getting their life on track and help them with a listening ear and lend them a hand when they have to make a new start again. the easiest way of living my life, because I am having so much fun.

I of course have had many other milestones in my life, which are all rapidly hurtling away from me. Even the most recent ones already seem to be covered in dust. I am now 46. I don't feel old, but somehow I just can't get my mind around the fact that many of these things already look like ancient history.

If accumulating milestones is truly the secret of the accelerating years, what do we do about it? Basically nothing; we just have to accept it. However, this is not necessarily a negative. True, the good things are coursing away faster and faster into the past. But so are also the not-so-good things.

Whether positive or negative, nothing in life lasts forever, even if it sometimes feels as if it will. We are certain of this because we know even life itself doesn't last forever. We are all born to die. What happens after that is the subject of considerable controversy. But whatever it is, we are certain it is going to happen, and that it will almost certainly be different from whatever we know today.

Since I am now in my fourth decade (I am 46), for me this inevitability will probably occur sometime within the next 30-40 years, and almost certainly within the next 50 years. This seems like a very long time. However, the years are accelerating, so when it does occur my most probable reaction will be: "What! Already!" On the other hand I have done so many fun things in my life. If I would drop dead tomorrow I would call it bad luck for the rest of my family.

Enjoy every day you've got left, you never know what might happen.

The Old Sailor,

Father's day is today

Dear Bloggers,


Here’s to all of the dads who understand that the key ingredient to being a great dad is showing up, no matter what. It seems like such a simple and obvious task. Just be there when your child needs someone to talk to or when there’s a flute concert or when there’s a football practice and they asked the parents to be there.

But, if you’ve shown up at any of these events you know from the empty seats how often it doesn’t happen. There are so many great and worthwhile excuses like having work that no one else could do or at least sending your spouse or maybe even a even worse excuse. The average person would nod their head in agreement with each one of them and say, well, you tried.

However, parenting is not about you.

Most people get that in a general sense because particularly when the child is small, they obviously need us to focus. At first, everything about being a new parent is exhausting and makes the head spin because it’s all so new, it’s necessary and there’s really no choice if the job is to be done even halfway right.

I remember when my daughter, Frédérique was brand new and I drove by a café where my friends were sitting outside, laughing and chatting. I wanted to stop and join them but Frédérique needed my attention and that came first. That was the moment I knew things had changed forever and I just needed to give in and do it.

But here’s an added twist.

In order to achieve greatness we have to be willing to show up and believe it’ll all work out. We get that belief in doses every time a parent shows up for us. That goes double when we know they had to put something else aside in order to be there, in that seat.

All of us want our children to reach beyond what seems possible or easy and go for what challenges them, what brings out their talents and then tests the boundaries at least a little. We’ve learned by now that that’s where the real rewards are waiting but if you can’t risk it and show up, your chances of finding it go way down.

That’s the exact spot where it comes in handy if you had a dad who went beyond what seemed easy or convenient and just showed up without wondering what was in it for them. They were there fitting in to the small desk or at the dinner table or standing on the sidelines and they were cheering for your success.

You wade out again into the choices and believe in the possibilities of what might be there because you have a great dad who showed up and believed in you even though you were blowing the wrong note during the flute concert or were distracted by fireflies during an outdoor game.

Dads are great at being open to the idea that your greatness is still evolving and chasing fireflies might be a part of the bigger picture.

When our children are grown up, it’s even about showing up to say nothing at all and encouraging our children to need us less because we know they now have all the tools that they need to build their own dreams. To all of you, whose great dad has passed away, may we live our lives in a way that honors their humor, their passion and their beliefs in us. Happy Father’s Day everyone!

The Old Sailor,

Fathersday

Dear Bloggers,

Father's Day has become a day in which to honour our dad's for all that they have done for us through the years of our lives. Being a man and living with fibromyalgia can make it more difficult for us to do all the fathering that society expects of us. Father's Day can become a day of great stress for us as we try to please our own parents.

Our children do try to honour us, and even the smallest gesture of their love can help to make this day special for us. However, we may need to make our families understand what they can do for us on this day in order to make it a less stressful and exhausting day.

Breakfast in bed is nice, but if the rest of the day is spent trying to meet their needs, then it isn't enough for us. Families tend to think that what we want is to be together with them on Father's Day because our social values have taught us that that is what is expected to happen. But what those of us with fibromyalgia may really need for Father's Day is a day just to ourselves.

A day of walking along the beach, in the woods, or just sitting outside and enjoying the springtime with its beautiful colors and flowering plants without any demands being placed upon us.

Preparing our families and explaining what would be really helpful or special for us on this day set aside for fathers is something that we can do. It may be that we awaken on Father's Day in a major flare of our fibromyalgia and the last thing we want to do is get out of bed, get dressed, and be taken out to anywhere.

Those of us with small children may find it extremely difficult to get through this special day because of their many needs which must be attended to whether we feel up to it or not. If we have a supportive spouse or mother who truly understands our fibromyalgia, it can be made easier for us. However, many of us don't have the support of our families, or our extended family is far away, and can't be there even if they do understand what we go through on a daily basis.
I did not have fibromyalgia when my own children were very young, yet I now struggle with their lack of understanding of what I actually go through each day of my life. They will do special things for me on Father's Day, but if I can communicate my needs to them for this special day before it arrives, then maybe it will become a day that I will enjoy and remember as being a day especially for me.

Placing myself first has never been easy for me, but this year I plan to do just that. I don't know what I will want from them, but I do know that just being accepted as I am, and being understood no matter how I feel on Father's Day is the most important gift that they could give me. If I choose to spend the day in solitude and reflection of myself, then I hope that this will be granted to me
Flowers, gifts, and food prepared by someone else may be all that some of us need in order to feel that we are being honoured. Others of us may need to be pampered or shown by actions that we are loved unconditionally.

Being a father is a great responsibility, and for those of us with fibromyalgia, it may be one that drains us on a daily basis. We need to learn to take care of ourselves first, and sometimes this creates guilt because our society says that being a father means to give to others first. Yet, if we can't care for ourselves, then how can we find the energy and resourses to care for others without losing an important part of ourselves?

I believe that honouring and taking care of ourselves first is the most important gift that we can give to ourselves on this special day set aside for fathers everywhere.

The Old Sailor,