Dear Bloggers,
Why is it
that some folks (such as myself and my daughter) talk so much? This visit, I am
learning how I process through talking and writing. I think you do the same
with writing and I love that about us. Yet, talking needs a listener and
listening takes energy. So does talking.
Yes, I have been learning
something similar about myself.
My need for verbally exchange
is so much greater than most writers. We came to the conclusion in one therapy
session that my brain actually might need external forms of processing …
getting words out (writing or speaking), having someone listen, and getting
verbal and visual reactions. Sounds like a very right-brain form of
processing.
My brain is running around in
many different directions total chaos is also a system on the other hand, I am
processing things internally. Quiet time, self-reflection (without writing it,
just “down time”) by taking a walk or even engaging in some relaxing activity
like playing a game. That I get a clearer sense of myself, and I need to
analyze what happened in the day, what I did, and what to do next.
What is it about our need to
be heard and understood by others? Is it that some people like me don’t have
this need? Or is it a need that we ALL have, but some have it stronger than
others?
Someone has asked me, “Are you
really processing when you remove yourself from the conversation? Or, are you
just distracting yourself, purposely not processing for awhile?”
When I think of the times in
my day (or even in my life) when I’m not feeling “heard” — those are the
toughest and loneliest times. Certainly we all have the need to be heard and
understood by others, and even greater the need by those we love. A big part of
my writing (and my talk-talk-talking) is motivated by the need to be heard and
understood.
Earlier, I have mentioned to
myself that I should write more in my blog if I had the feeling that there is a
real audience out there, reading and perhaps responding to my posts. Our
writing is a form of self-reflection, and an attempt to connect with others. We
write to make sense of things for ourselves, by making it available for the
comprehension of others.
I believe that most people
have not been able to cultivate a safe relationship with their writing (and
rambling aloud). It’s hard to be a loud and crazy guy at one point and being
the quiet writer on the other hand.
Suddenly, a coworker appears at the table and asks me a question.
The look in her eyes and her tone of voice say she wants an answer straight
away. Her question is simple, but my brain freezes for a moment. I start
sentences then stop them. I hesitate. I say things that are kind of what I
mean, but not quite. I backtrack. Inside, I wish my brain would just work
right…
Ever had something like this happen to you? If so, you’re not the only one. Finding it hard to say what you’re thinking, especially when you’re on the spot, is a common problem for a lot of introverts. There are good reasons this happens, and they might not be what you’d guess.
You can thrive
as an introvert or a sensitive person in a loud world
We all have moments when we can’t find the right words, but word retrieval
can be particularly challenging for introverts because we process information
deeply. We chew on ideas, looking at them from all angles. When you’re
deep in thought like this — even when you’re thinking about something as simple
as what to make for dinner — it can be tough to talk. A lot of introverts don’t
“think out loud” like extroverts do. We do our mental processing inwardly.
Quietly. Without words.
As the name implies, long-term memory is where we keep information for a
long time, maybe even forever. The information stored there is mostly
outside our conscious awareness. so getting to it isn’t always easy. For
example, try recalling your first day of kindergarten. Some details might come
to mind easily, but others take more effort to remember.
On the other hand, we have a working memory (also known as short-term
memory), where we keep information for just a few seconds. This information is
easy to grab, but it doesn’t stick around unless we move it to long-term
memory.
Interestingly, that introverts often use their long-term memory more than
their working memory. Extroverts do the opposite, keeping information right on
the tip of their tongue, ready to use.
The struggle to dig into long-term memory is real. You have to find the
right “key” to unlock the memory you’re trying to bring up. For example, seeing
a certain pair of sneakers (the key) might remind you of your own shoes from
when you were a kid, which then reminds you of the milk that got spilled on
your shoes on your first day of kindergarten. And just like that, you’re
remembering more about that day.
But this process of digging into long-term memory can take time, which can
slow us introverts down when we’re trying to talk.
When we’re nervous while trying to talk — like how I felt when my
intimidating coworker approached me — it can make finding and saying the right
words even harder.
But it’s not just about writing blogs. Introverts often like to text or
email instead of calling or meeting in person. Many also find that journaling
helps them understand what they’re thinking and feeling better.
It’s because of how our brains work. When we write, we use different parts
of our brain than when we talk, and these parts seem to work better for
introverts.
Memory is a tricky business; it uses many parts of the brain. Your brain
stores memories in different spots and builds connections between them. Like I
said, you need to find the right key to pull something from your long-term
memory. The good news is, most information in long-term memory is stored with
multiple associations or keys to access them.
If you’re having trouble remembering a word, a fact, or even what you did
on the weekend Let your mind wander and go where it wants. One thought might
lead to another, and one of these thoughts might be the key to remembering what
you need.
If you still can’t find the right words, don’t feel embarrassed or beat
yourself up — your brain is just doing what it naturally does, which is to stop
and think. If you’re being quiet, you’re in good company with other deep
thinkers. Like the brilliant physicist Stephen Hawking said, “Quiet people have
the loudest minds.”
To make any awkwardness go away, you can joke about being lost for words.
Or you can say you’re a bit busy in your head right now, but you’ll get back to
them later — by sending an email or a text.
The Old Sailor,
