My way of dealing with a burn out

Dear Bloggers,

My wife is suffering from a burn out and we are working slowly on her recovery. Let me tell you it is a long way but here I have some tips to make your life a bit easier. Whenever in doubt, humans all across this huge, people-filled planet resort to bending out of shape instead of empowering ourselves to get up and pick ourselves up! Although it is not very healthy for you, it's just what we do! Men and women all alike do this, too, so you have nothing to be ashamed of. Now, you have the power to conquer emotions and inner negativity! This guide will suggest ways in which you gain control of your life again. I got my life back in order, and you can get yours back too.

Steps

Get rid of the negativity in your life. Put family and friends which bring too much negativity toward you on freeze for now. Don't start any trouble with them, but be less reliant on them. Also, cut back on negativity yourself! Whenever you think something negative, say to yourself, "That's negative and unnecessary." Keep saying that to yourself until your brain stops completely.

Cut back on unnecessary activities to free up time. Any activity that does not produce a tangible result or lead you to success you can put on freeze. For example, cutting back on a movie or going on the computer to go on aim half as often would suffice. But be careful about choosing which things in your life are important to you and which are not. To avoid common errors, first make a list of things (on paper!) that you normally do on a daily and/or weekly basis and put how much time you spend on each activity. Then, take the items on that list and lightly cross off the things that are useless in your life and you spend too much time on. For example, if you watch TV for 5 hours a day, you're definitely wasting some time in your life. If it has something to do with another person, specifically family, do not cross it off as doing this could affect the other person badly. Next, look at all of the things you crossed off and then at the things you still have on your other list. Does this seem reasonable? Could you live without the things you crossed out? Our main goal is to get you to stop spending too much time on useless things.

Create a weekly goal list using three colors.

·      A black priority would be something that has to be done at a certain date and time, without any exceptions.

·      A red priority would be something that has to be done by the end of the day.

·      An orange priority would be something that has to be done within less than one-seven hours. Don't look past 7 days until the priorities are met.

Buy a few hundred index cards, or 2-3 packs. Keep at least a half of a pack with you at all times. They are valuable in social events and allow you to capture ideas onto paper, so you will never forget anything. Knowing that all of your problems are in your pocket will take away stress because you can stop thinking about them and start thinking about other important things.

Organize most of your computer files into 5-15 folders to make sure you have your digital priorities straight. Example folders: Work, School, Research/Reading, Personal Writings, Weekly Goals, Music, Photos, Reminders. Also important to get your mailbox in order there are a lot of unnecessary items in your inbox

Write down 10 strengths you have and how you can use them to your advantage. Write down 10 weaknesses you have and how you can improve them. Try to improve yourself a little bit everyday but at the same time keep this quote in mind: "Complete perfection is bliss, but when perfection is met with humanity, it's useless." Never use the word "perfect." Use "improved" instead. The process of improvement is slow, but if you try to improve yourself everyday, in 6 months, the next list you write will be very different.

Build self-esteem. Don't compare yourself to other people and do not limit yourself to the standards of the consensus. To a certain extent, forget judgmental strangers and give yourself enough room to grow.

Real Self Confidence and Esteem is based in emotion, not a self-image
to build self-confidence and overcome low self-esteem is to change how we feel emotionally about ourselves. To change our emotion requires changing two different core beliefs about self-image. The first core belief is obvious. It is the belief that we are not good enough. It may have a more specific association to how we look, how smart we are, money, or lack of confidence sexually. The second core belief to change is the image of success that we feel we should be. Changing this belief is contrary to logic, but is a must if we are to overcome insecurity and raise our self-esteem.  

False Self Image of Perfection Cause of Low Self Esteem and Lack of Confidence
When your mind has an image of success that you "should be" it associates happy emotions with that picture. I call that the image of perfection in our mind. The mind does a comparison between the image of perfection and how you see your self-image currently. The comparison results in judgment and self-rejection for not meeting the image of perfection. The self-rejection results in feeling unworthy and of low self esteem

While the image of perfection appears to be a way for us to feel good about ourselves, it is actually causing us to reject ourselves which creates feelings of "not being good enough." If you were to dissolve the belief that you should fit into the image of perfection you would eliminate the self-rejection and feelings of unworthiness that result.

Finding and breaking my own “I’m not good enough story.”

Feelings of confidence and security mean no self-rejection.
The approach of dissolving our image of perfection sounds contrary to our sense of logic about building confidence and esteem. This is because we have the belief that achieving the image of perfection will result in positive happy emotions and feeling confident with our success. Our mind has actually been programmed to have these emotional associations. We desire to feel these feelings and chase the image of perfection we have attached to them.

What we may not be aware of is that achieving our image of success doesn’t effectively change our emotional state. It doesn't do anything to permanently change the way the voice in our head speaks to us or what we believe about ourselves. Many times people have achieved their goals only to find themselves still unfulfilled. Your emotional state may briefly change in the euphoria if the immediate success. But the core belief of not being good enough and your long term habit of self-rejection in the mind hasn’t been altered. The critical voice in our head is more likely to put a higher goal in front of us to achieve. It’s okay to have high goals, but you don’t have to make your love and self-acceptance dependent on them.

Change What You Believe and You Change How You Feel Emotionally
The second belief to dissolve is that we are inadequate and somehow not good enough. These are the beliefs that create emotions of insecurity and fear. The emotions are not the problem they are just the resulting symptom of negative core beliefs. The "not good enough" image is a construct of our imagination. It is a belief about ourselves created by the mind concluding that we are "not good enough to meet the image of perfection." A step to changing this belief is to recognize that we the one observing the "self" image. We cannot be the “self” image we are looking at. We are the one doing the looking. This means the “self-image we create is really a “non self” image. With awareness we can decide to believe in the “non self” image or not believe in the “non self” image. Having this awareness helps shift our point of view and is a beginning step that will help us change a belief.

Changing the “not good enough” image is much easier once you have broken your belief in the image of perfection. Without the image of perfection you no longer have the comparison reinforcing the unworthy "self” image.

Make physical changes to remind yourself that you are a new person. A haircut and new clothing would suffice. Also, cleanse yourself spiritually and mentally to begin a lasting new lifestyle. Meditation is a good way to do this.

Breaking down The Elements: Setting Your Head Right

There are some general points to consider to set your expectations of change correctly.

1.                  I can get better at this.

2.                  The journey, not the destination.

3.                  Don’t pretend you have a different life.

4.                  Start now.

5.                  Expect disruption.

6.                  Expect failure.

7.                  Remove guilt.

8.                  Be patient.

9.                  Live through the seasons.

10.              You are Superman/ woman.

I can get better at this.

This is the fundamental belief you need to start changing. It’s not the same as thinking – “I can change” – which might actually work against you. It’s the mindset that whatever you’re going for, the goal is progress, not perfection.

The journey, not the destination.

When people think about change, they think about intervention.

You’ll eat less, lose 15 kilos, then that’s the end of it.

But it doesn’t happen like that, because change is a constant process. You’re always going to be changing something. And when you get done with changing one thing, there’s going to be something else that emerges, some other change that you’ll need to work on. Expecting this up front saves a lot of disappointment down the track.

Don’t pretend you have a different life.

This ties in to the earlier point – whatever you’re struggling with today – making a decision to change it doesn’t remove any of the elements in your life that make that thing a struggle today. You are always going to revert to the mean when it comes to motivation or optimism and you can’t expect that to change.

Picture yourself making changes in the course of normal life, not in some idealized world in which you have more time, energy and motivation. That place doesn’t exist.

As I would say: “Your future self doesn’t exist. As long as there is no future you. All that exists is a series of present selves, all shirking responsibility and assuming versions of themselves that don’t exist will solve their problems. “Start now.

Equally, the best time to start the process was yesterday. The next best time is now. It won’t be easier after your vacation, or when you move to the new house, or when you get the new job… it will be just as hard and you will have less time to make the change.

So start now, no matter how inconvenient the circumstances might be.

Expect disruption.

Every month, you should expect that 1 in every 4 days will be impacted by sickness, injury, travel for work, personal travel, or an intervening event like a hangover, a soccer championship, a wedding or a hen’s night.

The most under-rated change skill you can develop is the ability to plan in and around those constraints.

Expect failure.

You have to be ready to fail multiple times as you try to make something stick. Failing isn’t a sign to stop; it’s a sign to try again. This time with more information about what works and what doesn’t.

That’s not how it works when it comes to change. In changing, you will encounter so much ‘do not’ that the only thing that matters is ‘try’.

Remove guilt.

Remove the guilt from change. If you fail, start again. Guilt and shame are HUGE wastes of energy. Remove all your negative emotions around change, forget all past failures and just try again. Every other approach is inefficient.

Be patient.

You will grossly overestimate your ability to change. Really. You want to underestimate and then over deliver. Not the reverse.

That’s a really good proxy for how most change happens. It takes much longer than we want to admit.

Live through the seasons.

Your changes will come in seasons. It’s rare they’ll last for more than 3 months without starting to feel stale… So you’ll want to keep this in mind you’re not changing forever, just for a short time and then you will get focused on something else.

Note, this isn’t the case for the ones that are fully breaking down and who are too stubborn to change they will fall back into bad habits and old addictions like smoking and drinking.

\You are Superman or woman.

You are Superman. You have endless lives. You get reborn every time you decide to try again. So don’t be afraid to try and fail.

 The Old Sailor,

Do we make our kids ready for a burn out?

Dear Bloggers,

It’s the first full weeks back to school after the start of 2013 has begun, the winter is starting to wane, Spring is slowly moving forward and the madness has begun. Along with the homework and school responsibilities comes the extra-curricular activities galore: Jazz dance, Judo, learning to play a keyboard, gymnastics, swimming, Girl Scouts, and singing with the school choir and more. If you’re a car driving dad (or even if you’re not!) chances are you’re shuttling your kids around to one or more of these activities every afternoon. But while there’s nothing wrong with clubs, sports and the like, some experts say we may be burning our kids out too young as they fall into the “busy trap” just like their folks. Are they right?

Recently a health organisation polled more than 800 boys and girls between the ages of  9 and 13. A whopping 90 percent of these kids admitted they were stressed because they were too busy. Another study found that kids’ free time has dropped by 12 percent in the past two decades, that playtime is down three hours a week, and that unstructured outdoor activities like hiking are down 50 percent. With kids being whisked from one activity to the next every day, experts say many of them have little time for homework, a healthy dinner or even a good nights’ sleep. Hmmm.....is it me or are we becoming bad parents?

I believe that this generation’s kids have become too busy with organized activities to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. When we were growing up and we were kicked outside to play, we went from house to house ringing doorbells and going too local sports clubs on a bicycle. Now kids are being driven from activity to activity and the kids next door aren’t around to play because they’re off at gymnastics or starting soccer leagues.”

Is this “busy trap” just a Dutch thing? No it is much wider an more complicated, according to me. “I think it’s good to be involved in activities, but I think it’s really important to get the balance right. Children like their own company. They lose the capability to amuse themselves if everything is put in front of them in an organized, structured club type of way. Long gone, it seems, are those times when a whole weekend ahead with nothing planned was seen as a luxury and a perfect opportunity to spend time together and share those valuable and irreplaceable moments of childhood. Parents used to go to the local pool and teach their children how to swim. ... Now they enroll them in a club where someone else teaches them.” Yes, guilty we did the same.

As a father of two, I know the “busy trap” all too well. I believe part of the reason we keep our kids so busy today is because there are simply so many choices. As my friend pointed out, back in the day, we signed up for whatever cheap recreational program was offered in our little village and called it good. There were no fancy club teams or gymnastics club or dancing studios promising Olympic gold medals if participants worked hard enough. My brother played a little soccer, and I took horse back riding lessons and later on I took fitness classes. That was it. In our (ample!) spare time, we waded in a drainage ditch behind our backyard and came home happy and covered in mud.

But I understand “those days” are long gone. Because the world is not as safe as we’d like it to be, we can’t let our children simply roam the neighborhood until it gets dark. And because many of us live in what I like to call the concrete jungle, we don’t have backyards with trees to climb and dirt to rub our feet in. This leaves children often stuck inside, left to play video games or watch too much TV.

But experts say this “busy trap” goes beyond just wanting our kids to succeed. Some argue that parents live vicariously through their children. If their son or daughter is involved in six different sports, they are important and successful, along with their children. Others say we simply don’t want to be left out. If we discover our friends’ kids have signed up for hockey, we might just find a way to squeeze it in between soccer practices, just so our child doesn’t miss out on gaining yet another skill. Is this unhealthy behavior?

Not always, extra-curricular activities can help our kids gain self esteem, help them set goals, and encourage teamwork, time management, physical development and relationships. These are all life skills kids can take with them into the workplace and beyond someday. Nevertheless, i would say, kids should stick to something they truly enjoy and feel good about.

As for me, I choose to keep it simple: Both of my kids jazz dance, making me a bonafide jazz dance dad. I have made the choice for our family to stick with our local club for now. There will always be a time for more, but I want my kids to have time to ride their bikes around the block, play at the park and maybe sneak in an ice cream cone after dinner.

Moms and dads what do you think? How many activities are too many? Have we made our kids too busy these days, depriving them of them of a relaxed childhood? Or do you think it’s healthy to keep our kids on the go? What do you think?

The Old Sailor,

From Full Steam to Self Esteem

Dear Bloggers,

My eldest daughter is a bit shy when it comes to making new contacts, but with a little help from her parents she is getting less and less a creep mouse and gets slowly more self esteem. Learns quickly if it comes to nasty situations and loves to argue with her mom. I have the feeling that she is growing in the right way.

Self-Esteem:  The Best Gift You Can Give

When I am asking the question, “How many of you think your parents loved you as a child?” most of the people tell me that they are being loved by at least one of them. Then my next question is:  “How do you mean that did you really felt loved as a child?”  Just a few of them remain with the same answer.  No matter where I ask, the response is generally the same.  What does this mean for us as parents? Should we raise our kids differently ?

Self-esteem, especially in children, is closely linked to a feeling of being loved, of being lovable.  Whether we know it or not, we are “teaching” self-esteem, or a lack of it, to our children all the time.  For the most part, children look to the adults in their environment, and later to their peers, for a reflection of who they are and how they are.  Children are observers, who soak up every bit of information we provide. No matter what if these are our words, facial expressions, posture, tone of voice, touch and the conclusions they draw (“I am important,” “I don’t matter,” “I am loved,” “I’m a nuisance”) then become their “truth” about themselves and what they deserve in life. 

We, as parents, have the choice to teach unconsciously by repeating the patterns that our own parents used with us, or to make a conscious choice to pass on the values we would like to see perpetuated.  It is not always right but also not everything they thought you was wrong, maybe some of them were badly explained.

 

My advise is: Pass on the best and throw out the rest.  An important place to begin conscious awareness is to take an honest look at your own childhood.  Remember what it was like growing up in your family.  What did your parents do to make you feel loved?  Was their love conditional or unconditional?  How did they discipline you?  Did they believe children need to be controlled?  How did they communicate and resolve problems with you and with each other?  What helped you to feel good about yourself, and what led you to believe you were “bad,” that there was something wrong with you?  Try not to idealize your experiences, but rather remember what it felt like to grow up in your family.  Not remembering painful memories leaves you at greater risk of repeating those behaviors with your own children.

Our parents, being human and lacking the tools available today, made mistakes, but we can choose to learn from those mistakes rather than repeating them.  Our children give us the opportunity to become the parents we wished we would have had.  When my mother died, I thanked her for giving me the passion to parent a different way.

It is better to prepare than to repair.  Fostering positive self-esteem from the beginning is easier and healthier than trying to repair a negative self-concept later in life.  Here are some of the major factors that contribute to self-esteem:

High Self-Esteem

Respect (valuing), Acceptance, Affection, Attention, Being listened to, Play, Laughter, and Positive reinforcement (compliments, support, encouragement, believing in, acknowledgement)

Low Self-Esteem

Disrespect, Rejection, Abuse of any kind, Being ignored or neglected, Not being listened to, Perfectionism and comparison, Negative reinforcement (put-downs, criticism, judgment, labeling, name calling, ridicule, humiliation)

Self-esteem begins with self-love, with respecting, accepting, and taking care of you.  This love spills over to your children, who learn to love themselves and to love you.  Self-esteem also depends on unconditional love: love with respect, empathy, acceptance, sensitivity, and warmth.  Unconditional love says, “Regardless of what you do, I love and accept you for who you are.” 

Bite your tongue.  I have noticed that when I am stressed, preoccupied, or operating form an unconscious mode (not being present), words slip out of my mouth that I wish I had not said.  I can totally explode when I am in a bad day and having nasty mood swings. My children’s self-esteem suffers and so does mine.  Healthy families remind each other of their goodness; unhealthy families remind each other of their failings.  Take time to regularly remind yourself of your goals and values what you want for your children—and you will create that consciously.

Flip your focus.  Many of us have been taught to catch ourselves and our children being “bad.”  Instead of looking for shortcomings, and what is wrong, focus on the terrific aspects. Reinforce the positive and tell your children what you want, not what you do not want.

Examine your expectations.  Expectations that are not developmentally appropriate set our children up for failure and set us up for disappointment.  Expectations that are too low tell our children that we do not believe in them.  Maintain a balance between high expectations for yourself and your children, and then cheer each other on.

When you are good to yourself, you feel good about yourself.  I wished that my mother had told me how to take care of me, rather than valuing me as the caretaker.  A large part of self-esteem comes from feeling that we deserve to be happy, to have fun, to enjoy life, to do the things we want to do.  Many times, we unwittingly provide low self-esteem models to our children by rationalizing that we no longer have the time or money to do nice things for ourselves.

Here is a good exercise in self-nourishment.  Make a list of 20 activities you enjoy doing that do not require lots of money or elaborate planning (like taking a hot bath while listening to music with candlelight).  It is especially revealing if you take note of the last time you actually did these activities.  Make a commitment to do at least one activity from your list every day.  This can become a family activity too, with each family member reminding and encouraging the others to be good to themselves.

Get rid of what you do not want and replace it with what you do.  Listen to what you say to yourself during the course of each day.  Turn up the volume and tune into your thoughts: “That was dumb.” “I’m too fat.” “I’m not good enough.”  As you hear the messages, write them down.  Where did they come from?  The reason most people feel bad about themselves is they keep telling themselves how awful they are.  For every statement you record, think of a way to say what you really want to believe about yourself, and jot down an affirmation as a reminder.  Turn your “stinking thinking” into positive self-talk.  You will be surprised what happens not only for you but also for your children. 

When you are having fun together, love just happens.  Think about your weekly activities and how much time you spend with your children having fun.  How much time to do you devote to play?  Most of us have narrowed down the realm of play to a set of tennis on the weekend, or maybe renting a video.  We have forgotten the delights of make-believe, building forts, setting up a toy store, and swimming with a friend.  Luckily, our children are the best teachers we could possibly have to help us recover the child within us.  Play brings a special closeness to family relationships, and when you or your children are feeling out of sorts, laughter is the best medicine.

Discipline without damage.  I often ask other parents what comes to their mind when I say the word discipline.  The most common response is punishment. Discipline is a teaching process where we help our children to be self-regulated.  When our children “misbehave” we may react as our parents did and shame or blame.  When anyone feels attacked, they will shut down to protect themselves from our harmful words.  “I” statements indicate clearly what we are feeling and ask for a specific change in behavior: “I feel_______, when you______, and I need ________.  Taking the time to formulate an “I” statement allows you to step back and look objectively at why your buttons are being pushed.  What is coming up in you from your past?  Then you can decide if this particular issue is a leftover value inherited from your parents.  It may come up, for example, that you do have strong feelings about being spoken to disrespectfully, or that you don’t really care if your child clothes are clean enough to wear a second day.

Finding new ways to discipline involves replacing the old reward and punishment system with natural and logical consequences. 

Joy shared is joy doubled; sorrow shared is sorrow cut in half.  In the past, extended families were the rule, rather than the exception.  We no longer have that built-in support system and need to create our own support systems by reaching out to neighbors, coworkers, and friends when things get tough or when we just what to share our experience of parenthood. 

Listen, listen, listen.  We all know what it feels like to have something to say and the person we want to talk to is not listening.  Most people need to improve their listening skills. Eventhough the one who is talking is a boring talker he or she deserves a listening ear.  I am improving my listening skills.  When you listen to your children, look them in the eye (at their eye level), set aside judgment and criticism, tune into nonverbal cues, and let them finish speaking.  Then, reflect a feeling back to them, from their point of view (using their words): “You must have felt_____” or “It sounds like you were _____.”  If your reply is right, they will know you heard them and understood what they said. If your reply is wrong, they will know that their message did not get through, and they can try to restate it more clearly.  This is “win-win” communication, and it enhances everyone’s self-esteem.

Let go of perfectionism.  My wife was a perfectionist and was a master at keeping the house nice and tidy. I am aware of how I did not develope that same tendency as my mom was in that case not wanting to be perfect. My children have helped her to recover from the mistaken belief that anything must be perfect and straight and the other ones could help you to make it nearly perfect.  Because perfectionists have impossible expectations, they are usually frustrated, disappointed, and angry about the strangest things.  Perfectionism creates stress for the entire family and if you are able to change to a less perfect life. There will be many things changed in your life as people around you have to adapt to you as a “new” person. Yes this is hard for persons that have been around you for many years and lost control about this new you. Never mind that they are angry but they should pick up and try the new you. 

In the beginning it is hard to let go of perfectionism, add more joy, play, and silliness to your life.  Be gentler with yourself and others. A mistake does not mean you are a failure, but rather provides an opportunity to learn.  When children make mistakes, their self-esteem often suffers; but when they are encouraged to “fix” those mistakes, their self-esteem rises.  The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.

What goes around comes around.  A wonderful reward of conscious parenting is that our children give back to us the same care, support, and encouragement that we give to them.  My children are my best cheerleaders since the beginning of my illness together with the changes in my career. They remind me of the fact that perfectionism is not needed and I should let go of it. I’d better look at my ability to succeed something that I can do and they are in there to support me. They have encouraged me to take risks and we have co-created a winning family in which everyone feels like a success.  It is not easy to create a “win-win” situation in our “win-lose” culture.  It is worth the effort though.  Happiness and connection happen when you replace old negative habits with new high self-esteem behaviors and attitudes.  It all begins with self-awareness and a conscious choice.

The Old Sailor,