Losing a good friend hurts

 

Dear Bloggers,

 

I have sailed quite a bit of the worlds seas and oceans never felt alone at sea  as I had great colleagues with many years of experience in all kinds of situations. I had a bit of a rough start when I started sailing and my past being on the rescue team during a ships disaster was not very helpful during a boat drill I was overwhelmed by memories as the evacuation alarm sounded throughout the ships speakers. I felt emotions that I never knew before there was panic in my head and I could not think straight. I left the company for a while and made a new start on a cruise liner. After a while I came back again on a smaller and older vessel. But the crew was great and I closed most of them in my heart. Some of them I have been sailing with for quite some years. 

At sea you learn to know each other better as you invest more time into the personal matters. These good conversations about the things in life. Even if the sea was brutal and rough we had a good time and comforted the new ones. If we are going down we will go together. These friendships fade away when you stop sailing although most of my old friends are active on Facebook and I still follow them. And most of them have become very special people with special jobs in life. Or they found love in many different ways. Then all of a sudden the ships bell sounds with bad news that one of your closest friends is very ill and there will be no cure. I am not the person that waits for answers and I asked questions about what was going on. She enjoyed life to the fullest and was not ready to go. It struck me as lightning when I found out that she had gone over the horizon. That is where all good sailors go.

 

A ship sails and I stand watching till she fades on the horizon
and someone at my side says 
She is gone.
Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. 
She is just as large now as when I last saw her.
Her diminished size and total loss from my sight is in me, not in her. 

Although it’s often overlooked, the loss of a friend is just as devastating as that of any other loved one. It comes with the same force and it quickly takes you through a whirlwind of emotions before it throws you at grief’s mercy. Expect to be shocked, angry, confused and deeply disturbed as you try to make sense of it and adapt to its demands.

It is not easy to lose a close friend

We often trick ourselves into believing that the loss of a friend is an unfortunate experience and with it, we rule out its severity and impact on our life. That kind of attitude is particularly evident in the cases where our friend leaves a family and loved ones behind. Naturally, their bereaved spouse, parents, siblings are deeply affected but don’t let that take away the importance of your loss and put you at the bottom of the list.

Regardless of these arrangements, your grief is just as important and you need to give it the full attention it demands. Listen to it and be prepared to deal with the sudden burst of emotions, confusion and anger. You may feel guilty about past arguments or regret some of the things you remember saying and doing.

Grieving the loss of a friend is just as personal and unique as any other grief.

Losing a friend in later life

Nobody can prepare you for such a loss, even if it is the result of a long illness. Losing a close friend as an adult is likely to trigger a series of emotions beginning with shock and disbelief. Confusion or inabilities to talk about your feelings are also quite likely reactions in the early days of your loss.

However you feel, remember that it takes time to process that loss and to come to terms with it. Don’t be impatient with yourself and don’t pretend that you are not affected by it. Open the floodgates to let all these feelings and emotions overwhelm you. Then start to work your way through them as you begin to move forward with your life. Expect to cycle through the same feelings or to feel stuck and unable to see a way out of it. That’s how grief works but it gets better with time. 

Be with people who understand your grief

Be prepared to ‘suffer in silence’ because not everyone will appreciate the scale of your loss. The lack of recognition is also likely to affect how you deal with grief. Make sure you surround yourself with people who understand and respect that loss. The loss of your friend is not a reason to forget them. Look back at the wonderful times and treasure your memories. That’s their way of being a part of your life now and you need to embrace it.

Life without your friend is not going to be the same. You are going to miss them no matter what you do. That’s normal and so are the other feelings and emotions you are likely to experience. Remember that grief is a process which is unique to you. Be kind to yourself and allow plenty of time to grieve that loss. The emotional high that you get from the release of endorphins whilst laughing and having a good time with your friend is cut short and replaced with a mountain of sadness after their death. That’s the mountain you need to climb in order to move forward with your life after the loss of a close friend.

We knew a lot of great people in our lives at sea and many passed by with cosey nights sitting together and having a little drink in the so called Café Holland a place where many have good memories and many of us sang along with the music that was played including this Dutch song that’s called “Aan de kust.” Performed by Bløf. As we sailed with International crewmembers we tried to translate the lyrics into English so they had a clue what it was about. This song touched me again last week as it was aired on my car radio and this part of the song hit me.

Vlissingen ademt zwaar en moedeloos vannacht
De haven is verlaten, want er is nog maar een vracht
En die moet in het donker buitengaats worden gebracht
Gedenk de goede tijden van zuiverheid en kracht
Maar men weet het niet
En zwijgt van wat men hoort en ziet

 

My Translation of the lyrics:

Vlissingen (town in Zeeland) breaths heavy and cheerless tonight

The harbor is abandoned, because there is only one shipment

And that has to be brought out of the harbor in the dark 

Commemorating the good times of purity and strength

But people don't know

And are quiet about what they hear and see

 

As Sailors we don’t say goobye but farewell my dear friend.

The Old Sailor,