Counting down to a big change...........or will this be amrageddon for me.

Dear Bloggers,


I wanted Bruce Willis to play the starring role in a movie about my life. I wanted to write a book about my job the way Paolo Coelho does. I wanted to speak to large groups of eager educators and make them laugh with my nutty remarks. These were all goals of mine when I was not suffering from anything, and was full of energy and ideas before I started sailing. I wanted to find happiness through success and this would only happen if you worked hard and did your very best. At least that was what I thought when I started years back making something out of my miserable life, when I did my days in the army I had to find a job to make some money. I was motivated and focused to make a difference and become something in live. I started off as a dishwasher in a local hotel and worked myself up as a bartender and waiter in the hotel restaurant. After a few years I became headwaiter.

Unfortunately there was only work in the summertime and during the winters I did many different tempsjobs. I worked in factories, became an iceskate essembler, was taxidriver and freelanced in the weekends as a bartender in one of the bigger towns. After a few years I had finished my education as
bartender/waiter and dreamt about earning good money and start my own bar elsewhere. First of all I went to Australia with a friend and worked for a wholesaler in Sydney. We made enough money to support ourselves and had a good time. But when the recession broke out we lost our jobs and had to turn back after a few months that was the first setback in my life, but soon I carried on.

And that spring I found a new challenge I wanted to become a sailor with a great salary. My past from the army gave some hindrances and I had to try again, and I ended up on a cruiseship. The life onboard was not very glamorous and the sun and Jim Beam became my best friends. When I came back home I applied for a job as a bartender on a ferry again. This was luxury compared to the liner as I had my own cabin. I hoped that I could climb up the carreerladder and be headbartender at least. Those where all soapbubbles about to burst as in the higher ranks there was no place for me and I saw a lot of good and bad "bosses" in my sailing days. The months between contracts and ships I filled with doing temp jobs and later on I worked as a freight driver. I drove the big cemetmixing trucks and delivered beers and soda for the Heineken company. Until I could not lift heavy anymore due to costochondritis and I needed to do an office job. I started to work as a receptionist on board again.

Everything was going exactly as I had hoped for and planned. I got a job onboard a ferry to the United Kingdom and everything in life was picking up again and we bought a new house to have more space. I never felt at home in this house so we did put up the for sale sign again and will move back to where we came from. The housing market is very slow and we did not have any serious buyers, but we have time as we do not need to sell. If we sell it, it is another part of my life that can be closed. There were good moments and bad moments for us and believe me there were more bad than good ones. It relieved me when my wife agreed with me that I could not really be happy here and that we both missed the lake, why did we move here anyway? My wife and I wanted to live closer to her parents so they could easier help out babysitting. We hardly ever had any benefit out of it and our kids went to a nanny two blocks away.

I did a good job as there were not many complaints on my behalf, paperwork was not my hobby and will never be. And I really enjoyed what I was doing although there were deadlines to catch. And those deadlines were giving me at least a lot of stress situations as I was mr. plentyfix and I could turn a bad situation into a reasonable one. Until the load was getting to heavy as I could not say NO. When slowly my body started to give up on me. It started with pain in my hands and fingers.The rest of my body quickly followed and by the next month, I was changed into an old man as I was completely turned into a rheumatic person. I was diagnosed with FMS is a rare neurological condition that involves neurotransmitters giving the wrong signals and telling the system of muscles and the nerves throughout the body that I should feel pain. It is rarely damaging, but recovery can be very slow and often patients are left with residual effects. There is also the possibility of relapse when you have a lot of stress.

After being diagnosed with fibromyalgia by the rheumatologist from the local hospital, I was in good health, but body and mind were still ravaged from the syndrome. I was unable to stand or walk for a longer period of time and had very poor use of my hands. I spent the next three months in a local health center where I received three intense therapy sessions a week. By the end of the summer. I was fully discharged from the care of doctors and specialists and had no residual effects. I felt nearly like the same person I was the day before this all started. At least, I thought I was the same person. Until a moisty day came along and I was hit by muscle pains from hell.

Life is like a pop quiz. You can’t plan for it and you only get one chance to do your best. My breakthrough came one day in rehab when I was asking for help to get through everything. I stopped asking when I realized that I had to beat this on my own. I needed to listen to people who couldn’t help
themselves and reach them a helping hand. I knew that I was strong enough to fight this battle with my body and I felt left alone. I learned life doesn’t follow your planner or your schedule. I had to learn to walk instead of running all the time. Life has only one purpose…to happen. If you only focus on all the things that can go wrong and being afraid that your body will give up, you will simply miss the beauty in the things that happen around you and also the small successes that you book yourself. I changed a lot during the course of those months, but more than anything, my belief in the power of the human spirit changed the most. People are capable of extraordinary things. We all have the power to take our current situations in life and make them better. The road to change is littered with obstacles, but they are not permanent hindrances, only temporary roadblocks.

I returned to recently to the job market and applied for lighter jobs the last few months and quickly I realized things were different. From a sailor with no energyloss, I had become a relaxed housedaddy that does not care about stressed situations anymore. A new episode in my book of life had started by ripping out the balck pages. I felt like I was watching someone else and I soon realized that it was the new me. That man in the faded green shirt wasn’t the man who started of this year as a slightly handicapped person. I no longer wanted to change the world. I didn’t want any awards or taps on my shoulder, telling me that I did a good job. I wanted to be happy and I couldn’t be that as a sailor do to the long working days, I needed to start off in something completely new. This summer, I will say goodbye to my career as a sailor and take a job as a busdriver on the citybus with a limited amount of working hours. While taking a drop in pay and, in some peoples eyes, taking a step backwards in my career, I found I had taken a huge step forward. I was doing something again, working with people something I cared deeply about.

I will start working again on Monday and I am really looking forward to it, as it has been a tough year with a lot of ups and downs. And people in offices that do not understand at all why you want to go back to work so badly. They do not see the financial trouble that you have as you need to fight the governments to get some benefits that you are entitled to. Also sitting at home is not my hobby and I am defenitly a lousy housekeeper. The disadvantage that you have as your curriculum vitae tells that you are a person full with adventure as you did so many different jobs. And the lack of experience will give you a lot of rejected applications and therefor very stressfull.

In addition to a change in my career, I had a change in my priorities. I decided to put my wife and family first and everything else as a distant second. I focused on being a "good" husband and having a happy marriage. I rediscovered my passion for my wife and also for recreative cycling, something I had started to lose during my last years of sailing. I took advantage of every good weather day and made sure that I would get a fair set of kilometres on the clock and biked like it was my last day on Earth. Of course the next day I was hoping it was the last day on Earth as usual I was a complete wreck due to the pain as I had overdone it again. I was totally out of balance and I could not except that the old me was not coming back. A psychologist told me that there was no need for finding the old me as he was dead and buried.

Together with my doctor, fysiotherapist, ergotherapist and a dietician I have put my life on the tracks again. And my train is not the fastest but at least it is rolling again. Only when we go uphill we need a bit of help, all the other parts I do without any help. The big difference with the old train is that this one has a break and there is no doubt that it will be used. The new me looks quite similair to the old me but inside there have been big changes.

Hopefully the new me will be a success and I do not need to get higher up. I have the ambition to do a job as good as it gets. I still hope one day there’s a movie made about me. I still hope Bruce Willis will be in the starring role. I still want to write a book. I still want to speak to large groups. These are all goals of mine. I am still motivated and focused. But I have to take care about my energy levels and make sure that my body can handle it. I now hope to find success through happiness. I want to be me…and I’m fine enough with that. Maybe I should change my hair, my house, my clothes, my future, my soul and my name.

How would that sound "The Old Busdriver?"

The Old Sailor,

It became very quiet in my life

Dear Bloggers,

Due to the autumn holiday, our kids slept over our old babysitters house. I was at home with oly my wife and we decided for a change not to turn on the television. But just sit down at the kitchen table and discuss our future plans. We ended up talking about our old house and made drawings about what was needed to be done, if we could buy the “old” house back. We had very happy times there and we did not have a lot to worry about. Nostalgia was winning terrain and we left behind more realistic options. We could of course buy a bigger and more suitable house. But what would happen if I all of a sudden would call these people and make them an offer that they could buy our house for a few grant more. And these ideas are coming from someone that has no job, no money and no common sense.

It is about time that they come knocking on my door from the “Postcode Loterij” and let us win a reasonable sum of money. We do not need millions but it would be nice that we could realize this funny dream. Here we go again I simply got too much time to think and my brain starts to overreact. Strange enough I am not the only one that is thinking up these kind of crazy ideas. My wife is coming with even bigger plans for the same property. More and more I start thinking about it , and figure out that how stupid we have been to sell this house. Somehow I am doomed tomake these kind of mistakes in my life.

Somehow I think that I was not born for luck at all. As a young lad, I was not the smallest kid, actually you could call me chubby. When I was approximately seven years old, I fell off my pony and hit the stones in the road. My mum took me to the doctor and he told her that my arm was heavily sprained and I should stop whining. After three nights of no sleep as well for my mum and me, we went back to the doctors office. And my mum demanded to get some X-rays made of my arm. The doctor disagreed but my mum was very persistent and got a note for the hospital. At the hospital they gave the answer that the arm has been broken, but it had started to grow back together again. So they had to break it again to get it better located to make it at least a bit straight.

A couple of years later I was in the same hospital again. I was most of the time having trouble with my flu and having a chronic cold all of the winter period, so it was time that my tonsils were removed. A simple operation you will check in in the morning and in the afternoon you could go home again. Well this was not my case, after a few hours I was bleeding pretty badly and I was rushed back to the hospital. I had to stay there for a week to regain my streght as I lost 1½ liters of blood and my body could not cope with large bleedings or wounds.

My adolescent years did not pass without any scratches when I was sixteen years old and driving a moped, I slipped on a rainy evening and hit a lamppost. Consequences: A sprained shoulder and a damaged ego. And of course a lot of damage on my moped. A couple of years later I bought my first car. When you are young, free and single you might end up like me. I was running a bit out of time as I had to work that afternoon. And I started driving reckless but my speedlevel was unfortunate too high for the road curve that I needed to take. And yes I did hit the brakes but the only thing that happened was that I ended up on one side together with my car. Actually I was lucky that only the side of the car was scratched up and the mirror had broken off. I climbed out and pushed the car back on its wheels had a quick look at the damage and carried on with my journey.

After that there followed some periods that I was quite ok, except being lucky in love. I was a lot on the move with my friends, and we did a lot of drinking unless it was your turn to drive. At a certain point I realized this was not the best thing to do in life and I started studying again. During this period I met my wife. All of a sudden I found luck.

But not for long, as we just bought a house, I lost my job (not my own fault) and after a while I found a job on a cruise ship, when I came home again I had to get used to the daily things again.


I applied for a job on a ferry, but the stress was bringing back bad memories from the past. When the firealarm went off I totally lost it. In my army days I got involved with the Herald of Free Enterprise disaster, so I was back home again. Half a year later I sailed again for the same company on a smaller ship on a different route and in a different job. This went on for a few years and I did some jobs in between as the ship was charterd out or sailing on an other ships route, while their ship was in dock.

When we bought this house and just had moved in, I slipped on the stairs just after we had put our oldest daughter to bed. I tumbled down and crashed into the wall. Next thing I remember that I was rushed into the hospital by ambulance. I had been unconscious for a while. I also fractured a thumb and had a brain contusion. After a week I still had trouble walking straight and I fell over to the right all the time. Furthermore I had trouble with mathematics and all my language skills were gone (Dutch, German and English were needed in my job.) I took me a bit more then 1½ year to get my language skill back to a normal level.

In the mean time I had became a lorry driver but I was missing the life at sea. At a certain point I had to stop with my job distribution for the Heineken company as the left side of my body was starting to give trouble. Extreme heavy pains where knocking me out, when I lifted a barrel of beer. Which had never been a problem at all, but now it felt that I had some broken ribs. I was diagnosed with costocohondritis (Tietze syndrome) from that moment I was forced to do an office job.

After a while I was sailing again with my old company as a receptionist. I really enjoyed what I was doing but all of a sudden my full body gave up on me. After a few months in the medical tredmill I got the diagnose Fibromyalgia. The company laid me off and at the hospital they told me that I had to change my lifestyle. Well let me tell you this: I would stop working if I could afford it. (time for the lottery to stop by my door.) I really hope that no one needs to deal with the idiots that I am dealing with now. It is nearly two months now that they should have send me money from the state of Denmark. But these bloody *#%@#+ ?!? can not find my journal back. It is just a bureaucratic nightmare. I think that they should offer me and my family a free holiday to Denmark when this is all running, all inclusive of course.

Make a wish when you see a shooting star, I will take cover as I am affraid that I might get hit.

The Old Sailor,

Als de pijn de baas wordt

Het jaar is net begonnen en het is een pijnlijk begin.
Een aantal maanden terug is bij mij het syndroom van Tietze ontdekt.
Ik liep al bijna 2 jaar rond met een zeurende pijn aan mijn linkerkant ter hoogte van mijn 4e rib.
Eerst werd er gedacht dat het napijn was van een longontsteking die ik toen heb gehad.
Omdat ik nog redelijk onbekend was met de heftige pijnen die dit teweegbracht werd ik in het begin een paar keer afgevoerd richting het ziekenhuis met de verdenking van een hartaanval.
De symptomen lijken namelijk erg op elkaar en door de pijn word ook de linkerarm dusdanig verdoofd dat die gewoon als dood aanvoelt. In het ziekenhuis stelt men na een aantal onderzoeken vast dat het niet aan het hart mankeert.
Maar wat het wel is, is hun ook niet helemaal duidelijk.
Tot mijn grote verbazing kon ik een aantal dingen niet meer zoals vroeger zoals bijvoorbeeld mijn tuin omspitten.
Dit soort grapjes moest ik bezuren met een heftige pijn die me een a twee dagen volledig uitschakelde.
Toen de diagnose Tietze werd gesteld, ben ik gaan zoeken op het Internet en kwam tot de ontdekking dat ik niet de enige was die hier aan leed.
Ik belandde op de site van A.G.Hol:www.tietze.nl
Ik ontdekte nu pas iets wat er al jaren met me aan de hand is.
's Winters heb ik moeite met opstaan en ben ik stijf van top tot teen.
Alle bewegende delen doen zeer.
Ik voel me een zeer oude man als ik zo mijn dag moet beginnen.
Je hebt het gevoel als met een zware griep dan verga je ook van de spierpijn.
Alleen is de pijn heftiger en scheurt je ziel in tweeën.
Ook mijn vingers willen niet zo goed en zijn pijnlijk, waardoor ik bijvoorbeeld mijn dochtertjes niet kan helpen om bijvoorbeeld een koekjes verpakking open te maken. Toch zal ik dit ook weer moeten leren accepteren en dat fibromalogie mijn voorland is zal ook wel weer wennen.
Het leven is een pad dat doorkruist wordt door pijn en liefde.
Enkel jammer dat er meer pijn dan liefde is.
Geluk zit in heel kleine pilletjes ook wel pijnstillers genoemd.

Als de pijn je leven gaat beheersen.

Als persoon ben ik blij van aard toch heb ik de laatste paar dagen niet echt kunnen lachen. Het vochtige weer speelt mij parten, elk jaar weer als het erg vochtig is in de lucht worden mijn handen en knieën stijf. Ik verplaats mij als een oude man en de reumatische klachten nemen de overhand. Dit is iedere keer weer een pijnlijke gewaarwording. Ik merk dan nu ook duidelijk dat de pijn mijn leven beïnvloed. Ik leef op pijnstillers waardoor meer dan de helft mij volledig ontgaat. Op het schip heb ik minder problemen omdat de lucht aan boord zeer droog is door de airconditioning en als ik het even redden kan ik een uurtje ga wandelen. Ondanks de pijn is bewegen goed voor je heb ik gelezen op een reuma site. Ook mijn syndroom van Tietze speelt mij parten. De ribben zijn altijd in beweging. De pijn snijd als een scherp mes dwars door je ziel, en slapen is ook lastig omdat ik jarenlang op de pijnlijke zij heb geslapen. Hierdoor wordt je ook niet blijer en reageer je het ongemerkt af op je gezinsleden. Ook Bloggen is moeilijk omdat je je vingers niet optimaal kunt gebruiken.