Dear Bloggers,
What if you became the victim
of a manipulator on your job. If your manager is one of those kind of
bosses what would you do if he picked you as his victim.
Loads of
people would flea and others will pick up the fight. But fighting is
difficult and it might take more than you ever could imagine. My wife
has always been someone who wasn't scared to tell you if there was
something wrong work wise and you had a tough time when she was sure
that she was right.
She could be pretty much point out were the
problem was. She lost the three year long battle against two managers
and has ended up with a mental state of mind as the last one did
every thing in his power to make the kill and that she would leave
without any hassle. I am pretty impressed that these people get that
much freedom from the higher management to do that much damage to a
happy personality (I've seen people that were that much destroyed as
they had been captured and tortured by kidnapping something that you
could expect.)
I
am often asked how a person can get to each other through the process
of picking up the pieces and overcoming the scars of an abusive or
manipulative workplace once they finally found the courage to end it.
In fact, I’ve been asked
several times to consider writing a book, on this topic alone. It
seems that dysfunctional work relationship survivors often experience
some unique kinds of emotional and mental turmoil. And although I’ve
written about the fundamental ways these individuals can empower
themselves and start over, I haven’t written very much on the kinds
of things they typically experience as they’re trying to heal their
wounds and put their lives back together.
Most families fall apart
after the abuse as the partners can't cope anymore. The one that has
been victimized has trouble to trust people including their own
spouse and children. It is a bumpy road to get your life back on
track.
Many people have told me
about how hard it was for them to stop blaming themselves and
engaging in a lot of self-doubt and reproach. ”How could I have
been so blind…. or so stupid, or why didn't I walk away from this?”
they ask themselves. It’s difficult for them to reconcile the way
they saw things in the days before their toxic relationship and the
way they have come to view things since their painful experience.
They sometimes question their rationality as well as their sanity.
But the truth of the matter
is that while they might indeed have had some personality
characteristics of their own that made them particularly naive and
vulnerable (most of us do), the fact is that covert-aggressors are
generally quite skilled at what they do, and the more seriously
character disturbed social predators among us (i.e. the
psychopaths/sociopaths) are extremely astute and talented when it
comes to the “art of the con.” And in their very nature,
manipulation tactics are often hard to see until after the fact.
Besides, it’s relatively
pointless to play the self-blame game. Lovingly reckoning with your
vulnerabilities and vowing to become a stronger, better person in the
aftermath of a troubled workrelationship is one thing, but doing an
emotional hatchet-job on yourself just because you happened to fall
prey to a good con artist is quite another.
And after years of being
manipulated it’s easy to get into the habit of doubting yourself.
This can be an even bigger problem if you tried counseling the
manipulator at some point and the disturbed character who is wanting
the ultimate power managed to con the therapist as well. Still, as
hard as it might be, the one of the most important tasks for any
“recovering” person has before them is to end the destructive
cycle of self-doubt and blame.
Some folks have a lot of
anger to deal with after their abusive relationship is finally over.
They can harbor resentment that their former abuser seemed to “get
away with” being such a Son of a gun while they (and perhaps their
children as well) had to pay all the prices involved. To make matters
worse, some possessive controllers as in my spouse her case do their
best to make the ordeal of manipulating their husband as well which
might lead to separation or divorce and make their live like a
living hell on those who have finally had enough and found the
courage to walk away. And the collateral damage that can be done to
otherwise healthy relationships with others who might possibly have
been sources of support can also make a survivor angry, bitter, and
resentful.
For the reasons mentioned
above as well as some very important others, especially for purposes
of healthy information-sharing, I’d like to invite all of the
readers who can identify themselves with these issues to comment on
the various things they might have gone through when ending a job or
even worse a relationship with a manipulator or other
character-disturbed person and trying to start a new life.
And I’ll
might be writing some more on this topic in the coming months.
The Old Sailor,
Showing posts with label mental abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental abuse. Show all posts
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