What is it all about is it love or commitment

Dear Bloggers,

One of my good friends revealed to me a few months ago: "I love my wife, but I cannot help thinking of other women. I even had an affair with a work colleague and I feel terrible about it. What is wrong with me? Why do I find other women desirable and, at the same time, love my wife more than anything?"


My answer to my friend was that there is nothing wrong with him - physically. There is nothing wrong with him, because he is a human being, and by nature, we, human beings, are constantly physically attracted to the opposite sex. This feeling of attraction may be weak when we are in the "hot phase" of our new relationship, but normally it claws its way back to our brain with a vengeance when the physical peak of the relationship has passed. I also told my friend that this feeling is nothing to be ashamed of, even if it feels contradictory that we can be exclusively in love and have non-exclusive feelings of physical attraction at the same time.

My friend was now confused and he asked: "Are you telling me then that there is nothing wrong about these feelings of physical attraction in a brain of a happily married or otherwise committed person"? My answer was yes, that's exactly what I am saying. I explained that I believe these feelings are something we cannot really have control over and there is nothing abnormal about the fact that women find other men attractive and men desire other women, even if they are simultaneously in love with their partners. This is how humans were designed and we cannot reprogram our brain to completely ignore a beautiful woman or a handsome man walking by. We can pretend that we don't see anything, but our preprogrammed brain tells us to watch.

My friend looked relieved, like the guilt was shifting from him to the designer of the human mold. Like he was just doing something nature had programmed him to do.

I continued and explained that this realization of constant physical attraction is just the other side of the relationship coin, the easy part. The more difficult side of the coin is the mental side, the side that can overrun or yield to the physical side, depending on the strength of the mental side of an individual coin. This side draws the difference between faithfulness and unfaithfulness. Thus, once you have acknowledged the fact that you are capable of being happily in a relationship and still physically attracted to other people, the center of gravity turns to the mental side of the coin, to the human side. This side offers you an opportunity to choose between your priorities: what is more important to you, a relationship and commitment, or your physical needs and attractions.

It may well be that your answer to the above question is the latter; your physical needs weigh more than a committed relationship with one partner. This may be the case even if you have a very strong mental side on your coin. It could be that you simply are not ready to be committed just yet. It could be that you want to see and experience more before you jump into something permanent, something that feels more restricted than a life with open options. And, that is fine. You have every right to feel that way. You have every right to be a single woman or a man and never be ready for commitment. Some people are never ready for a relationship and that is the way they want it.

However, things become different when you enter into a serious relationship and truly promise your partner to be a faithful and trustworthy companion. You make a promise to your partner that you are ready for her or him and ready to be committed, ready to live a life with just one partner, a life without open options. This is a choice, a sacrifice you make voluntarily yourself. You trade your life of open options with a life of partner-stability, trust and companionship. You acknowledge that the life of open options will end, but regardless of this acknowledgement, you voluntarily enter into your new life. It is a conscious choice of two free people.

If you make this choice, you should be able to live by your commitment and the promise of faithfulness. Not because you are no longer attracted to other people, but because of respect for your partner. You should be able to fight your physical needs and let the mental side of the coin prevail. Let the human side of the coin beat the physical, preprogrammed, side of you. The choice is yours, because even if your brain may be reprogrammed to feel the sexual attraction, we humans are also blessed with a mind that is conscious and capable of breaking free from the default settings of our brain. This is an amazing power and something that separates us from the rest of the creatures on this planet.

The physical side however is a tough opponent and doesn't always go away without a fight. It plays games with your mind and tries to win you over. It may make you juggle between a serious relationship and various affairs and flings. It may make you believe that keeping a partner and simultaneously having affairs is a good way to secure the best of both worlds: having a loving partner and a wild sexual adventure, all at the same time. However, don't be fooled by the seemingly strong physical side of the coin. You can beat it if your mental side is strong enough. You are at the end of the day the one who lets the physical side prevail over the mental side.

Why do people so often choose to yield to the physical side? What makes unfaithfulness an attractive choice and worth the risks? Can the reasons be traced and blamed on a society where affairs sometimes are quietly accepted and treated as a normal, inevitable, course of life? Are we unfaithful because of the following reasons: "we only live once", "everybody is doing it", "I was in a different country", "I had too much to drink", "I was on a conference trip" or because "it was just my ex"? Do we really know the real reason for our unfaithfulness? Can we accept the fact that the reason for unfaithfulness really comes to one thing and one thing only: lack of respect for our partner.

Lack of self-discipline and weak backbone are the evil cousins of disrespect. An unfaithful partner wants to keep the options open but is not courageous enough to try it out as a single man or woman and risk some time alone when company is hard to find. He wants to play it "safe" and enjoy affairs and a happy marriage or a relationship and believes that he has found the winning combination. It certainly may sound like a winning combination, but is that really what it is. Can an unfaithful person look in the mirror and say to himself: I am unselfish, disciplined and courageous and I truly respect my partner?

I believe that respect is the very key when it comes to successful and long-lasting relationships. Both partners know that they are most likely capable of cheating, but respect keeps them from doing that. It may all sound overly simplistic, but the reason for unfaithfulness in an otherwise functioning relationship really comes to a one thing: lack of respect for your partner. Surely respect cannot be forced or implanted on anyone and there may be difficult circumstances, where there seems to be accepted reasons for unfaithfulness. Maybe one of the partners is completely uninterested in having sex, while the other is longing for a functioning sex life, or there is simply no love and respect left in the relationship etc.

However, the question in these situations should be, should I be in this relationship, rather than, should I be unfaithful to my partner.

Don't take me wrong, I am not judgmental and very well understand that people make mistakes and do things that they are not proud of. And, in extreme cases, partners even give their approval for affairs or prefer an open relationship all together. However, in a relationship where both partners expect faithfulness and trust, the unfaithful partner should understand the true reasons for his conduct. The cheating partner has agreed to make a commitment, but is not living up to his or her promise. He decided to choose one partner in order to have stability, trust and companionship, but because of lack of respect, backbone and his overriding selfish needs, cannot live up to his promise. It is hard to take the blame, but sometimes reality hurts. That's why it is called reality.

It can be a tough thing to swallow that you can only sleep with one person the rest of your life. It may be tough thing to swallow that sex has turned from a privilege to an obligation, or to a mere weekly/monthly act of killing the awkwardness of lacking physical contact. However, your commitment is still a conscious choice and a sacrifice, which you voluntarily made yourself. You may want to keep the options open, but then you need to keep the options open as a single man, not as a family man. And, if you don't want to be a single man, then be a family man, a respectful man. Show the backbone and self-discipline you have in you. Don't let the easy side of the coin prevail.

There is really no excuse for cheating on your partner and realizing this might just make your relationship happier and hopefully even prevent future missteps. I am not able to stop her thoughts about the perfect man, but these guys do not excisit unless they are ruthless players. I have seen to many relations gone bust do to a lack of interest in their sexlives, if she is taking it easy he is scanning for other options like watching porn or have an affair. Men are not very complex thinkers if it comes to the subject sex. The choice is yours, but if you want to keep the dark clouds out and life up to your commitment, give your partner the respect he or she deserves and expects. You expect the same.

The Old Sailor,

P.S. We should remember that we humans are all on the same boat of life and carry similar hopes, similar needs and similar dreams. We are all born with a need to be respected and loved. Born with a need to be someone. Someone successful. Someone decent.

And they call it a feast.

Dear Bloggers,

We just finish today with our annual village festivities on fridaynight I had my night out and I got pretty wasted. When I was in the tent I had a pretty good time as we were close to the bar and the band was not that bad so beer was flowing quick enough to get hammered. But the influence of alcohol can do funny things to people as they let themselves go. I have been observing a few odd couples as they are related to other men. That is the good part of bringing your kids to school for a longer period. (I know all these wannabe the most beautiful mums and they are definitely not my cup of tea.)

It has been puzzling me for years why people especially wait for these feasts to come out with this kind of playing open game. As the next day you are the talk of the day. Is it that they go back on memory lane as most of the youngsters get there first relation during these days. The alcohol lowers the line of being too shy to ask your favorite boy are girl. But why people of my age do these things I really cannot figure it out. They blame it on too much drink but I do not believe that. Ok you are getting a bit more loose but the brain is still functioning in a random mode. My brain has been rattling the last 48 hours why people do this as they have a family with kids and they know that this will have consequences in the long run.

I had a go on the internet and figured the following things out. Recent studies have shown that around 45% of married women and 60% of married men are unfaithful at some time or another during their relationship. Infidelity can range from a one night drunken mistake to a long term, planned and calculated affair. Adultery doesn't have to mean the end, but is likely to have a long term impact on your relationship.

Some people are unfaithful for the thrill and excitement. Some people have affairs because they want to get out of the relationship and can't communicate that fact. Some even have affairs as a cry for help, an indication that something is seriously wrong in the relationship. Admittedly, being unfaithful isn't the best way to tell your partner that you are unhappy but it can be the wake up call that some relationships need.

Sometimes the very fact that a partner is unfaithful allows a couple to take an honest look at their relationship and work through their problems together - creating a stronger and more open partnership.

Why are people unfaithful?

• Lack of fulfilment in the relationship
• Fear of commitment or long term issues such as having children
• Need for more sex or sexual variety
• Need for excitement
• To build up self-esteem and feel desirable
• Lack of stable role model relationships when growing up (or as an adult)
• Inability to resist the advances of others
• Sexual addiction
• To make a partner jealous
• Fallen out of love
• Escape to a no strings, less complicated relationship
• Revenge
• Wanting out of the relationship but unable to communicate that fact

Here are some common signs that a partner has started an affair or is thinking of infidelity.

1. Have you noticed a change in sexual desire or habits? One partner suddenly wants more or less sex or starts asking for something that has never been a part of your sex life.
2. Has your partner suddenly started taking a great deal of care over their appearance? Are they going to the gym, wearing new make up or aftershave?
3. Do they smell different? Does your partner smell of someone or somewhere else, either perfume, aftershave or the pub.
4. Have they become more secretive? Your partner has become more defensive when questioned, changing passwords, hiding mail, credit card bills, or their mobile phone.
5. Are you experiencing strange hang up calls at home?
6. Have they become more irritated by you? Picking fights over the smallest things, less patient and dismissive.
7. Has your partner's lifestyle changed? They may have suddenly found new interests or taken up new hobbies. They may be out 3 or 4 nights a week, or have to work late a lot.
8. Have they suddenly started showering you with gifts or affection? This can be a sign of guilt.
9. Do they mention someone more frequently? In cases where you might know the person your partner may mention that person frequently - as though they are on their mind a lot.
10. Do you just have a feeling.......?

One of these signs alone rarely means your partner is being unfaithful. Bear in mind there can be other reasons for these changes such as stress at work or a resolution by your partner to improve themselves or your relationship.

Infidelity affects relationships deeply. It takes time to rebuild trust and decide whether you have a basis on which you can both move forward. If you have decided you can never forgive your partner then you may have to take the decision to separate or divorce. However, infidelity does not have to mean the end of a relationship. There can be life after unfaithfulness.

I think that I am pretty happy with my relationship although there might be some small issues here and there. At least i think that adultery is not worth it, maybe I am to good in explaining my needs to my partner who is not always on the same line then me. But for crying out loud I will not go out and shag someone else his wife. Eeeew most of them are not that pretty and being pissed is also not an excuse for me. I will need a hell lot of liquor to get my lights totally out. I hope that you don’t think that I am strange if it comes to these kind of things. As I do not see any plusses for me are anyone else, in my opinion it is a lose/lose situation.



The Old Sailor,

Ilussions of love (in words)

Dear Bloggers,

Love is meaningless or....

Love is an Illusion

Just a while ago, I had observed that older couples are less loving towards each other compared to younger couples.
Naturally, I asked myself .. why so?
I could have settled for a simpler answer like - the feeling has faded or they no longer love each other or whatsoever.
However, I refused to take this for granted.



I remembered myself absurdly asking my female friends about this (to get some female perspectives) during our casual conversations.
But I wasn’t satisfied with the answers… and soon, I gave up.
It was only in recent years, I finally found the answer for this old little puzzle of mine.
I found all my answers on the web, nothing has to stay unknown if you know where to look for.(Google and Wikipedia are great tools.)



The ultimate purpose of human being is to breed and have children and continuing the next generation.
Everything in our life is geared towards that goal.
The survival of species is the ultimate quest in all living creatures.
It’s biological, it’s instinctive, it’s in our Will, something which is beyond our conscious control.
Not surprisingly, that these parts were rediscovered by the next generations again, such as the study of subconscious mind by Sigmund Freud and Evolution by Charles Darwin.

Although they produced their thoughts on paper years ago, they are based on the human being, the species was more important to them than any other matter.
Falling in love is a ‘blind biological urge’ in us - love is basically an illusion which pull men and women together.
Love in our mind is magical, sweet, sensational and is a symbol of happiness.
But little did we know that these emotions come together with Love as a whole ‘package’.
When human are able to get positive emotions out of something, we gain satisfaction.
The brain is giving a special treat if we are satisfied.
And this satisfaction is what keeps our desire alive.

It’s instinctive, and we are basically slaves to our own instinct and desire.
I believe that the truth is ugly.
Marriage is a trap to confine couples together.
Living as a husband and wife means halve both of their rights and double the duties. Having children will require the couples to put in more effort and resources to maintain the family.



It is not easy to satisfy your partner when there are children and she is scared that they might walk in.
Furthermore, one of the two is too tired to take the time to make really love to eachother, and to get a woman started that has known you for such a long time is not that easy.
As she knows all the things that you are not that good at, and she knows how to turn you down.
As a man you feel really hurt, and think that she does not like you anymore.
You are not able to seduce her with only a smile or a little joke.(men can be real insecure about their sexlive.)

She is not busy anymore with reproducing herself and is not worried that her husband will run away from her and their kids.
Maybe is this the key that so many couples are splitting up now a days.
As it is not easy to adjust your feelings all the time.



We got focussed on what was between us in past times, but the Love has changed into Liking you.
That is what we simply forget, eventhough you enjoy the softness of her skin, and the deepness of her kisses when she is aroused.
But making love is different, as reproduction is not the drive anymore.
And why men are parading with a young girl after they got divorced, as these girls bodies and minds are still being fully focussed on reproduction.
Men overall have much higher sexdrive and they regain their hunting skills if they are being turned down to often.
They start doubting themselves between there fourties and fifties.
The so called midlife crisis, were the time comes that the children have grown up and she is not paying enough attention to her partner. At this moment he will start reconsidering if he is not a good enough for her. All men will be a hunter forever it is just the comments of his surroundings or religic backgrounds that might hold him back from doing these things.(If you want to keep him happy, give him enough to live for.)



Therefore, only a force as strong as Love can ‘blind’ us, bringing men and women together under the same roof.
When we are finding our potential partners, we do not think of making babies with them, rather, we think of Love.
It seems that we have no choice but to fall in love and the illusion of love (which gives extreme positive emotions) will conveniently wipe away all the misery of a married life and having babies.

Buddha’s magic word - Emotions arise from Desire, hence an Illusion.

This perfectly answered the question I had and I think it is safe to conclude the reason why older couples are still together is due to respect and responsibility rather than still genuinely loving each other.
They simply got used to eachother with all the ups and downs in their relationship.

I always believe human are polygamous by nature.
But due to the development of human culture (of the different role between men and women), and more importantly the influence of religion such as Christianity, the nature rule has been replaced by human rule, championing the monogamous way.



Hmm...we simply can not afford an extra girlfriend in this expensive luxury lifestyle we are living, that is in at least 90% of the cases.
The ones that can, lead normally a double life as the wife should not find out.
(As poligamy is not accepted in our modern western culture.)
In certain cultures that are less developped than ours, polygamy is not that strange and having more wifes is accepted.
This is of course more natural, even I don't believe in the fact that women have to depend fully on a man.
If one of them complains about having a headache, you simply have a lot more options to have sex.



I whole heartily agree that biological drives are stronger then a reasoning on love. However, I am sure I will never follow his way of remaining single and living in solitude life till the end of my day.
I do want to have a life-long companion (wife) and a family.
This is my reasoning - if human are biologically a social animal and hardwired to fall in love, then why should we go against the nature? Biological is stronger than Reasoning, hence if we insist on following the literal Reasonings, wouldn’t it be a challenging difficulty for human to adapt to this deprived-of-instinct-fulfillment-life?
Wouldn’t it be a distress to live in a life where at one hand, we can’t take love seriously as we know it is just an illusion and on the other hand, we persistently being pestered by our biological instincts to fall in love.
We would be trapped in a no-man’s land.

That to me, is a miserable lose-lose situation.

I had a wicked thought while I was writing this blog.
I questioned, why do parents are willing to put their lives at stake in order to protect their children?

In many circumstances, the parent may even trade life to make sure the survival of their children.
It seems divine and noble in the first glance.
But it is not logical.

If the parents are willing to sacrifice themselves, despite saving their children, they lose their lives.
Not only that, they will have absolutely no control over the fate of their children once they are dead.
(if later on the children faced danger again and die, then the sacrifice of the parents will be futile.)

More logical would be:

If the parents are not willing to sacrifice themselves, their children will die but the parents are able to retain their lives. If they are healthy enough, they could breed again and replace the dead children with new children. They could oversee the growth of these new children and will able to drive their fate to a certain direction.

Many parents will choose the first option, much to the influence of our instinct.
I may sound a little sadist and not politically correct, but I am only treating this just as a daily thought-exercise, nothing more.

This gave me a little idea that human are not 100% rational and logical as we would like to believe in ourselves.
I have to admit that nothing in this world ruled by humans is rational, but this might change some peoples minds.

That we are all living in a bubble, I figured out that I write the best stories when I feel miserable and my relationship knows some troubles at the moment.

I know that it is a lot of wishfull thinking but Old Sailor’s magic words are:”Live life as long it is there, pray for less fights, spend your last money on a drink and fuck if your life is depending on it.”

The Old Sailor,

Unfaithful

Dear Bloggers,

Unfaithful is the word of the day.

(This is my greatest fantasy, the girl of all my erotic dreams)

“Well? Tell me! What would you do?”
(this discussion started when we talked about sexual hunting feelings, my opponent is everything I am not "Young, free an single")
These are my questions to my opponent.
The subject is committing adultery and more people are showing up to give their opinion.
The small talk about this subject turned all of sudden into the talk of the day.
“Would you tell it?” someone is asking.
With no doubt I say: "Yes, I would tell her."

I get up and walk away from the group.
“What the hell is going on” I wonder why this is so important to them, are they afraid that their own partner might do the same?



And is that not partly their own fault, women are strange in that way.
“What would you do?” someone all of a sudden asks.
“If you would see a friend of you kissing someone else?”
Straight forward as I am, I answer: “I will warn him about what this might do to his future.”
“And furthermore I find that he should tell his girlfriend otherwise I could not face them as a couple.”
“But what if she was the one?”



“Then I would talk with her, if this was a wise decission in her life?”
The remark is clear: “I never thought that you would be so much softer towards women”
I react: “The difference between man and woman are so huge.”
And my opinion is that men think as a hunter, with women it is more about feelings and it is much deeper.
I guess that the woman has already said goodbye to her relationship, before she goes into a new adventure, eventhough she still loves her man, but in a different way.
“He simply can not arouse her enough to give her the shivers when they have sex.”



“To me it is somehow kind of logical” Let’s have a smoke.
When we enter the smoking room still discussing this matter.
Other persons jump in and give their opinion.
“I woke up once in someones bedroom and I could not remember what happened” But the comment on a note on the table said it all. “Goodmorning beautiful, I love you.”
(No!, I am not going to tell you who said this, as it will undermine my integrity.)



Then someone else tells that her family goes first.
“Oh, I have been trying to mess up someones relationship.”
Says all of sudden someone, where I never expected that kind of things from.
My brain is runing on top speed and I am listening sharp, as this a great subject to place on my blog.


(something for the girls, otherwise I am called a sexist)

My conclusion is: “That we are all have gone through different experiences and all think in our own way.”
Some of us have enough and do not struggle with these kind of things, others have a fantasy and feel themselves comfortable with that.
And there are of course the ones that bring this fantasy to live.
And you know that they are having a relationship at home.
I am convinced that nobody is for a 100% satisfied in life, it explains a lot about us as human beings. But also that sex is important in someones life.

“Why are otherwise condoms and viagra are sold so much?”
A good investment at the moment a sex is a stabile factor even there is a financial crisis.
But tell me ..........honestly dear bloggers,
“What would you do if the friend of your best friend is unfaithful to her partner?
It gave me a lot food for thought, what about you?

The Old Sailor,