Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts

March 11, 2014

Before there was e-mail, Facebook or anything on the Internet



Dear Bloggers,

Due to a situation at home I did not come to writing a blog last month and I feel pretty awful about it as writing is something I normally do to get my thoughts organized. It made me think about my younger days when I still was a boy. I met the most fabulous girl at my dad’s pony stable and she straight away swept me of my feet. Due to the fact that she lived in Germany we decided to become pen pal. 


And we have been writing for many years and we became real good friends. We paid each other visits and we gave small presents Somehow I did things terribly wrong and the friendship was lost until a reconnection was there through Facebook. And I am so happy to have a little bit of contact again. Even we never had anything as in a relation she was one of the first girls in my live where I could share everything with and it developed me as a guy to do things with my heart and my mind. I am still thankful that she opened my soft side. And I am not afraid anymore to write about my feelings 


Before computers and e-mail…a lot of people actually wrote honest letters. And as in my own case sometimes from foreign countries. The newspapers had a special column for this. The Exchange Column invited readers from everywhere in the world to write a letter, expressing their interests. Generally, along with your name and address, you included your date of birth and your wedding anniversary date, the names and ages of your children, as well as your hobbies and collections.



When I began thinking about those days. I wondered – What happened to all of those Press publications? An Internet search revealed that there are still some pen pals as most of them are writing now by email and became key pals The idea of a magazine devoted primarily to pen-pals appears to have fallen by the wayside, overtaken, perhaps, by today’s computer generated email and chat rooms. (However, I was amused to discover in an Internet search on Google.com, an article written by a young woman who happened to discover an old pen pal who became a famous writer, she and some friends started up a monthly publication they call “Old Friends” which was based on their past. The author wrote, “I liked the old way sitting at home reading letters and writing back on them and I was intrigued by the way the community had different minded individuals scattered across the world who looked forward each month for new letters about what happened in their lives…” So, it seems, the memory and ideas of “The good old days” live on.



Go back with me, in time, and let me share with you how things were before email came along.
I began writing to her (My German pal she wrote in German amd I wrote in Dutch) in the mid-1980s. Specifically, I think I “discovered” myself in the summertime of 1986. I think I began finding the writer in me, as my letters were still not the best ones if it comes to grammar but I wrote to her in an honest way not knowing what to do with my feelings. So I did a lot of silly things in life to find about myself. Around that same time, I became interested in collecting and reading books. Simultaneously, a friend of mine told me about doing a cultural study at an institute and had to read a lot of classics. I that period I read classic books like Shakespeare but also lighter classics on the Second World war in Australia thanks to her I got interested in the opinion of other people that was what she was searching for.



“I bet I know where we can find it!” I told her. I wrote a letter to an Aussie friend, asking for the book Australian women at war, offering to pay cash. As an afterthought, I added that I was interested in buying/exchanging old classic books. Little did I suspect what an avalanche of mail would fill my mailbox when my letter was sent! I received over 25 books. I purchased several of the books and I began buying/trading for many other books which formed the nucleus of my book collection. And I have to tell you something that I think it was pretty spectacular. I was never “cheated” or short-changed by anyone. Even more spectacular were the friendships that I formed, as a result of that one letter, although none of them still exists to this day.



One of the first letters I received was from another book collector, a woman who lived in Brisbane. Betsy and I both young people at the time have remained pen-pals for 4 years, while we grew up, got married, and had children of our own. 

Another pen-pal acquired in the late 80s was my friend Penny (I will use Penny as a fictive name as I try not to harm any one's life.although I informed the person about this story that I wrote, if there would be any mistakes or what so ever I can correct them.) , who lives in the South of the Netherlands. I first met Penny in 1988, on my late summer vacation in Benidorm in Spain. We spent a night at Penny’s hotel room and I was sent on my way the next morning with a bagful of thoughts and a great night of special escapades during that night. What I remember most about that visit was my first reaction when I arrived home again with a feeling of being hung-over and I realized that this was just another summer love. I was so heart broken by this girl. I saw her again in the fall during the after party but there was nothing left of those feelings. 



The downside to having pen pals, if there is a downside, is that sometimes letters stop coming both of these friends had become older and had a life of their own with children or having many health issues…like me or perhaps there is nothing left to write about to their pals and to tell you what had happened to them.


Before everyone owned a computer and Internet services flooded the market we had the Local Newspapers and Popfoto a magazine for youngsters. The concept of Popfoto, at that time, was to offer bulletin boards to which you could write, asking for friends, interviews with pop artists, whatever problems you had   write them about. It was through Popfoto that I became acquainted with new people but that was soon to change. Eventually, Popfoto would be overcome by AOL, Yahoo, Juno and the dozens of other Internet services which have changed our lives so drastically. I think the one greatest thing about the Internet is that it has brought so many of our family members and friends back together again. By using Hyves, Twitter and Facebook. I find a lot of people from my past by using those media sites
Somehow the pen pals slipped slowly from my radar. But the friendships forged by these pals have remained an integral part of my life. Yours too, I hope.



And now we have the Internet…Facebook and blogs, such as this one of mine, Old Sailor 2007. But there is still much to be said for the art of writing letters, of finding letters and cards from all over the world in your mailbox. Much nicer than finding only bills and flyer's in the mailbox! And if you are someone still interested in pen pals and actual correspondence, may I suggest just talk to strangers and give it a try you never know what happens. All because of being pen pals!



For those of us who grew up with pen pals in our lives. Sometimes pen pals come into your life and stay forever while others may come and go. I am reminded of my German pen pal I had while I was living life on the wild side. She attended still in high school in Dusseldorf while I attended at jobs offered by temp’s offices. I lost contact with her after she was graduating from high school. But oh, the joy, over the years, of exchanging letters,  photographs and sometimes small gifts with a pen pal so far away email on the Internet may fill some of the void but I have to tell you, I still get a thrill finding real letters in my mailbox.



Before Email….all we had were letters – and even though I am still a fan of handwritten letters, I also became a digital writer, I have to admit computers have greatly broadened our horizons.

The Old Sailor,

March 18, 2013

I had no idea asthma could be fatal.


Dear Bloggers, 

I let my thoughts go when I think up a worst case scenario as my wife is diagnosed with the final stage of Asthma. Something that was told at the doctors office a couple of weeks ago. 


Somehow it is waiting untill things go terribly wrong. I imagine it like this.
At 7.50am, my wife left for work in her car as usual, dropping off our youngest at the day care centre on he way. I had to start earlier and do my rounds with the bus.

She texted me: “Can you take care of diner today?”she tapped.


I phoned her back and we chatted about the plans for that evening. We ended the ­conversation as always by saying: “Love you.”

A couple of minutes later, she was dead.

She’d driven into the side of a lorry after suffering a fatal asthma attack.
For us the rest of the family of four, her death came as a bolt from the blue. Shocking are the  statistics as they show that one person dies from asthma every eight hours.


But a new review, that will investigate the cause of asthma deaths, is hoping to reduce that number to two or three every year so that cases like my wife’s will become few and far between.

The review will ask GPs and ­hospital doctors for information to identify factors leading up to an asthma death, including the ­medication a patient was taking and whether a patient had any attacks in the run-up to their death.

On the morning she dropped our daughter at day care, nothing was out of the ordinary.
“She’d taken her inhalers the night before and in the morning and she didn’t seem unwell,” just an other day. “It was only when her boss at the telecom firm where she worked called me to say that she hadn’t turned up! I really started to worry.


“I knew something terrible had happened because she was if it comes to work she’s ­always punctual. I had a broken shift and I went home during the break, worried sick hoping to find her in bed or something similair.

I rang the police to see if they knew of any accidents but they couldn’t tell me anything. Then, at 10.10am, two police officers turned up at the door.
“They told me there had been a road traffic accident involving my wife. The officers had taken their hats off and said they were really sorry. I knew then she was dead. 



It was like the whole world stopped. I went into ­automatic gear, phoning her workplace to let them know what had happened, then I went to the school to tell the children their mum was dead. It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
I never thought asthma would kill her.

She first developed the condition when he was 12 shortly after she went to another school it started being allergic to many things and she got some medication to stop it, when I met her she was 23 years old and her hands were a mess because she was reacting allergic to the Christmas tree. In Januari we bought a fake tree and I took her to her Phd. The evening before she had a severe Asthma attack and her lips turned blue due to the lack of oxygen. Her doctor was a bit hardheaded to admit that this would be asthma. So I pushed him verbally in a corner and he send us of to a specialist. A couple of weeks later she got a better life by having the right doses of medication.


 “We don’t know if this triggered her asthma but from then on she started to take Ventolin and Becotide inhalers,” the lungspecialist says.
As the years passed, She became increasingly prone to chest infections and I have to admit that after the breakdown after having our first child and several miscarriages, she began to smoke 15 cigarettes a day due to a lot of stress.


“She gave up for a while when we expected our second child and no I was not very supportive during those years but then she started smoking again. I was always nagging at her to take her inhalers when she was wheezy but she didn’t always listen.”

Her first wake-up call came in 2011 when she suffered a bout of pneumonia. She spent five days in bed where i still think she should have gone to the hospital. At the time she was taking a Ventolin inhaler and Seretide 250, a steroid preventer ­inhaler. Nothing really worked. After a Prednisolone treatment she recovered.


Her second bout came in February this year, when she had an attack of coughing syncope, a ­violent coughing ­episode which caused her to pass out.
A month later, she suffered a similar attack but this time he was behind the wheel of the car. It proved to be fatal.

“The postmortem showed a massive asthma attack, which means she probably passed out and drove into the lorry,” says the report. 
“She had all her inhalers with her in the car when she died.”

The lorry driver was totally blameless and it was an accidental death.


I am thinking back at our days that we met.  “It was a strange way to meet but we bumped into each other at the station and a few weeks later I took her out. We were both separated in a bad way in a former relationship. Eventhough I did not believe in love anymore after I was stood up again, creepy but after nearly five years of being single not wanting anything to do with women, I ­totally fell for her smile and a fair sense of humour.

“Asthma was always a problem for her and it did increasingly affect her day-to-day life. Simply running around with the children made her out of breath. But we thought her condition was under control and I still find it hard to believe that asthma could kill her.

 “Thank God we did many fun things together because we now treasure those memories if we would be losing her so unexpectedly. My point is even if your not that rich live life as best as you can. This is crucial and everyone must understand how deadly asthma can be.”

This story is just the freedom of my thoughs, It is still not too late for my wife as she is still around but this might be a realistic scenario. For her there might not be that many options left but it’s not too late for other asthma sufferers. 


“I want everyone to know that ­asthma can kill, because I didn’t know until it was told to me by a physician.

“I wish we’d known how deadly asthma can be because then, I would have made absolutely sure she took all her inhalers.” Here is a simple test: If you can breathe normal just put a straw in your mouth and try to breathe through it, don’t forget to block your nostrils as well. That is how many Asthma sufferers feel when they have an attack.


The Old Sailor,

June 6, 2010

And they call it a feast.

Dear Bloggers,

We just finish today with our annual village festivities on fridaynight I had my night out and I got pretty wasted. When I was in the tent I had a pretty good time as we were close to the bar and the band was not that bad so beer was flowing quick enough to get hammered. But the influence of alcohol can do funny things to people as they let themselves go. I have been observing a few odd couples as they are related to other men. That is the good part of bringing your kids to school for a longer period. (I know all these wannabe the most beautiful mums and they are definitely not my cup of tea.)



It has been puzzling me for years why people especially wait for these feasts to come out with this kind of playing open game. As the next day you are the talk of the day. Is it that they go back on memory lane as most of the youngsters get there first relation during these days. The alcohol lowers the line of being too shy to ask your favorite boy are girl. But why people of my age do these things I really cannot figure it out. They blame it on too much drink but I do not believe that. Ok you are getting a bit more loose but the brain is still functioning in a random mode. My brain has been rattling the last 48 hours why people do this as they have a family with kids and they know that this will have consequences in the long run.



I had a go on the internet and figured the following things out. Recent studies have shown that around 45% of married women and 60% of married men are unfaithful at some time or another during their relationship. Infidelity can range from a one night drunken mistake to a long term, planned and calculated affair. Adultery doesn't have to mean the end, but is likely to have a long term impact on your relationship.



Some people are unfaithful for the thrill and excitement. Some people have affairs because they want to get out of the relationship and can't communicate that fact. Some even have affairs as a cry for help, an indication that something is seriously wrong in the relationship. Admittedly, being unfaithful isn't the best way to tell your partner that you are unhappy but it can be the wake up call that some relationships need.

Sometimes the very fact that a partner is unfaithful allows a couple to take an honest look at their relationship and work through their problems together - creating a stronger and more open partnership.





Why are people unfaithful?

  • Lack of fulfilment in the relationship
  • Fear of commitment or long term issues such as having children
  • Need for more sex or sexual variety
  • Need for excitement
  • To build up self-esteem and feel desirable
  • Lack of stable role model relationships when growing up (or as an adult)
  • Inability to resist the advances of others
  • Sexual addiction
  • To make a partner jealous
  • Fallen out of love
  • Escape to a no strings, less complicated relationship
  • Revenge
  • Wanting out of the relationship but unable to communicate that fact



Here are some common signs that a partner has started an affair or is thinking of infidelity.

  1. Have you noticed a change in sexual desire or habits? One partner suddenly wants more or less sex or starts asking for something that has never been a part of your sex life.
  2. Has your partner suddenly started taking a great deal of care over their appearance? Are they going to the gym, wearing new make up or aftershave?
  3. Do they smell different? Does your partner smell of someone or somewhere else, either perfume, aftershave or the pub.
  4. Have they become more secretive? Your partner has become more defensive when questioned, changing passwords, hiding mail, credit card bills, or their mobile phone.
  5. Are you experiencing strange hang up calls at home?
  6. Have they become more irritated by you? Picking fights over the smallest things, less patient and dismissive.
  7. Has your partner's lifestyle changed? They may have suddenly found new interests or taken up new hobbies. They may be out 3 or 4 nights a week, or have to work late a lot.
  8. Have they suddenly started showering you with gifts or affection? This can be a sign of guilt.
  9. Do they mention someone more frequently? In cases where you might know the person your partner may mention that person frequently - as though they are on their mind a lot.
  10. Do you just have a feeling.......?

One of these signs alone rarely means your partner is being unfaithful. Bear in mind there can be other reasons for these changes such as stress at work or a resolution by your partner to improve themselves or your relationship.



Infidelity affects relationships deeply. It takes time to rebuild trust and decide whether you have a basis on which you can both move forward. If you have decided you can never forgive your partner then you may have to take the decision to separate or divorce. However, infidelity does not have to mean the end of a relationship. There can be life after unfaithfulness.



I think that I am pretty happy with my relationship although there might be some small issues here and there. At least i think that adultery is not worth it, maybe I am to good in explaining my needs to my partner who is not always on the same line then me. But for crying out loud I will not go out and shag someone else his wife. Eeeew most of them are not that pretty and being pissed is also not an excuse for me. I will need a hell lot of liquor to get my lights totally out. I hope that you don’t think that I am strange if it comes to these kind of things. As I do not see any plusses for me are anyone else, in my opinion it is a lose/lose situation.



The Old Sailor,

January 26, 2009

It started with a kiss.....

Dear Bloggers,

This one I am writing especially for my beloved wife, who walked into my life 16 years ago and still I am having a hard time to express my feelings to her.
I am really surprised that we are still together as I am not the easiest person to live with.
Sometimes I am stubborn like hell and I am not the most caring guy in the world.
Somehow she must either really like me, or is she still in love with me?
I feel so lucky that I have met a woman like her.



Who shows her cares, respects, love ..to me.
Furthermore we got two beautiful girls, and they are not always easy to handle when daddy is away.
I must admit that I am having a different life as I am away, but if one of them is sick it is me that also doesn’t sleep and feels powerless.
I feel like it is a miracle that I met a girl who understands my feelings though I never express or let her know my feelings...
I don't know how she understands..
I never wanted to open my heart since I used to have a heartbroken experience.
I am so afraid to open my heart again...before I met this girl, I always concentrated on the things that kept me busy and try to find my dream job..
I always believed that true love would come to me one day....
Always tried to be strong and ignore all her love and compassion...
But for this special girl, I couldn't just force myself anymore.
I couldn't concentrate on my job anymore; I don't know what was going on in my heart...



My brain was covered with butterflies, she knows when I am sad, tired or even hungry...most of the people don't understand me like her because I always try to smile no matter if I feel sad or anything....always try to hide my feelings and make others think that I am strong.
She mentioned that I have a beautiful smile
The other day, while I walked out, she walked after me and opened the door for her with a smile which made her feel like a princess (I still don't understand why I acted like this, but sometimes I hope that a little bit of these feelings would return.)
But that's not why I admired her... it was just a guy's way to attract a girl.....there were more things that she has done for me, I was not the only one having a bad past experience...
In one occasion, (I don't want to specify the occasion), this girl gave me a warm feeling and a kiss on my cheek.



I didn't know why I let her kiss me because I always tried to avoid any kind of love relation.
She always made me smiling and I couldn't stop myself.
This is how our relation kicked off, and in the beginning I was head over heels, but somewhere my brain took a wrong turn.
The gentleman in me had disappeared and a more and more, our relationship started to crumble.
The only one in this case to blame is myself, or am I wrong?



Now it seems like I lost my strength, I feel like that something in me has changed...
Why do I keep thinking about her all the time?
I still try to keep myself busy with my job, but still...I am asking myself numerous times the following questions:
"Where is my strength?" and "Where is my confidence?"
And of course "Where is my dream job?" and "Where did that deeply loving person go?"
I have to do what I promised myself...but my heart is still asking for true love....where is my true love?
I know that I am still young in a way....anyway, thank you so much, dear, for always loving and caring about me until now.
I know that you never heard me say these words to you because my heart just couldn't open for anyone.
I really wish we could try to find the key to open it but maybe it was so hard for you to understand this mysterious guy.



All the words I want to let you know just don't come out.....I really wish there is someone out there could understand what my heart is saying, but now I am sitting here alone thinking of those memorable things you've done for me.
I will always love you and thank you again even you couldn't hear it but I hope there is a little miracle.
I really hope that the magic feeling is coming back to me once more as my heart is still fully in love with you.
I know I have to move on with my life, I know I have to be strong, tomorrow I have to go to work again and have to concentrate on my job
It's 2:30am and couldn't manage to sleep...still keep thinking of you.....still keep writing......do I need to have love??
Do I really need to tell you, all the time that I love you??
Please tell me what I should decide to do?



I am really trying to listen to you and not hurt your feelings, but believe me that it is never my intention to hurt you.
Of course I would love to become the man again, that I was in the beginning.
Somewhere inside of me, my feelings got blocked.
Forgive me for who I am, as it is not something simple that I can change.
You are the love of my life.......and no one can change that feeling.
I put on the cd of Rod Stewart and drift away on the beautiful song that was written by Van Morrison, "Have I Told you lately that I love you." here are the lyrics so you can sing along (but do it gently) when you find the song on youtube.

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

Oh the morning sun in all its glory
Greets the day with hope and comfort too
And you fill my life with laughter
You can make it better
Ease my troubles that's what you do

There's a love that's divine
And it's yours and it's mine
Like the sun at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray to the One

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

There's a love that's divine
And it's yours and it's mine
And it shines like the sun
At the end of the day we will give thanks
And pray to the One

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

Take away my sadness
Fill my life with gladness
Ease my troubles that's what you do
Fill my life with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles that's what you do.


Goodnight to you all.....wherever you are.

The Old Sailor,

Talking and Writing

Dear Bloggers,   Why is it that some folks (such as myself and my daughter) talk so much? This visit, I am learning how I process throug...