Showing posts with label kiss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kiss. Show all posts

December 26, 2016

Just another Christmas

Dear Bloggers,

A bit late for the time of the month in this last month of the year there is so much to do and work is more irregular than other months. Although I have some free time but many people want something from me. They are all needy and I am working a lot of late shifts to earn my money as a bus driver.


Slowly but definitely is the nocturnal horizon sliding by. On the radio their playing Christmas songs and easy listening songs it's that time of the year again and I hum them along softly. A typical ride home after a late evening shift. Suddenly, there are shooting all kinds of thoughts about the past through my head. I plink away a little teardrop that is rolling down my cheek. I think about all the beautiful moments of my past and see myself in the smoking ruins that remain of it. I dance in my mind together through the night with my dearest girlfriend who just all too soon slipped away from us. Gently giggling we shuffle along, tightly pressed against each other by through the splinters of my present life. By now I'm used to absorb all the blows that life brings me. Though I sometimes wonder why I and I question myself did I deserve this mess? I'm really happy in life and a great sense of humor is very important, so please do not misunderstand me. I have a wonderful family and I can enjoy their being to the fullest every day. Already there has changed a lot in the last few years. But that doesn't keep me really from working hard for them and I do it with love.



My eyes stare into the darkness of the night and I roll quietly on to the highway. Beautiful thoughts flickering through my mind, thoughts from long gone. I go all the way back to my early childhood. The time when everything was just right and the only thing we knew about violence and terror attacks were from the time of the Second World War, the village where I grew up had everything a man needed. There was a butcher and two bakeries, a haberdashery shop and two small supermarkets. There was a drugstore, a cigar shop, a hairdresser and a bicycle repair shop. There were a few restaurants and some bars. Not much bigger than this was our world. If you had to go to a hospital or other needs you had to travel to a bigger town. 



My late mother was not having a driving license so we had to rely on my dads free time or we had to take the bus, which only stopped there three times a day. Yet I do not feel I've missed something. Maybe going on vacation because there was unfortunately not a chance to do that. Of course I listened with red glowing ears to the beautiful holiday stories and adventures that other children had experienced in my class, like some guys who went with their fathers in the truck all the way to France and the others had gone to a camping place in places that sounded completely foreign to me. I camped with my parents in the backyard and I needed to help them out to earn my pocket money. And no I there's really no harm of doing some labour. At some later age, I was staying with an aunt and uncle of mine, but it turned out as a big dip because I was severe homesick. 


Since I'm quite a bit of a dreamer and I am not always being convenient for things that I said, so I got lost during a school trip. In my teenage years I was quite defiant and rebellious and I had trouble with authority from teachers. And teachers were to me more a target to argue with and kicking against the rules and yes I often could win these battles with all its consequences. Through all the hassle I got expelled from school because I had hit back a teacher because he could not win the debate so at that time you just received a blow to your head from the teacher. And no I did not sit back and let it come over me. So I gave him a punch back and he went down. After speaking with the principal of the school, we had to find another school. Not easy I must say. After a while I felt a lot better at the new and much smaller school I felt much more at home here but it was too late for me too pick up all my grades and I did not have the knowledge to leave school with a diploma. 



In the meantime, I drank my first beers and I got into a preconceived plan of a certain "Monique" from the area of Sneek my first French kiss. My God what was I upside down of this first real kiss and I was nervous for this moment to do something with a girl so intimate, yet there was no follow up on my fumbling and she let me know that it was only one time. A little bit disappointed I went home with a hundred thousand drowned butterflies in my stomach. 



And on the other hand I am so glad I did this. In a way or another, the ball was rolling. And the fair in the autumn I had suddenly "thick friendship" and out of nowhere after a month or six it was suddenly all over and we broke up. My heart was not simply broken but completely shattered into a thousand small pieces. After a few months I started on something new and I had to join the military in the meantime for my service that we had to do for our country. Just before that I had to join the army, I had my final exams at school and out of the blue came the sad news that my dear girlfriend had passed away. It tore my heart into pieces and I lost at that time all the confidents in having a relationship and in faith of the Lord. I could hardly swallow my grief I had a hard time with my feelings and anger was playing tricks on me.


BANG, she all of a sudden was there and I was staring at her as if I had been struck by lightning. There she was a beautiful but very shy girl from Germany with the looks of an angel. After a couple of days I dared to make contact with her and we exchanged addresses. It was a long and warm penfriendsrelationship. Unfortunately I was too shy and anxious to express my feelings to her. So in that respect it was therefore nothing sexual though we were staying over at eachother homes and were occasionally together and slept in seperate bedrooms. We were just very good friends and I really learned a lot out of our correspondence. With lots of fun and sometimes mixed emotions I wrote down things that were on my mind and all in handwriting I expressed my troubles and she just gave me good thoughtful answers. And yes, She is still having a very beautiful and special place in my heart.


Meanwhile, I arrived home I reverse the car into the driveway, and the whole neighborhood is into a deep sleep. I walk in and take our dogs out of their benches. Yet here I sit day-dreaming on the couch and then I think of another relationship that unfortunately ended up into nothing after a while. No my heart broke down repeatedly but I don't blame nobody for this, at best I question myself occasionally and ask what I have done so wrong in all of those situations and was I such a jerk that I was worth to leave? I hope nobody's done anything too short. Yes, I'm only a human being and far from perfect I can tell, should this be the case then we can always talk about. BANG !!! Suddenly the joy suddenly hits me back into intense grief. 


Tears are rolling down my cheeks when I think back how many there are who we have lost both young and old. And some of them are easier to cope with than others anyway it is always for someone a drama. With these thoughts I sneak quietly into bed, and I wish my wife a good night and I cry myself into sleep quietly. At moments like this I miss the warmth and love of my Mum to comfort me. Despite of everything, I am a happy person and we have two wonderful daughters and my wife is slowly but surely recovering end does step by step a little bit better. I can enjoy happily lots of small and simple things like our own children that are during the Summer Holidays are camping in our back yard. They do not complain at all because they are here also on a holiday. Yet they do have a wish for more time together as a family for a day to go out together. Slowly but surely our little girls grow up. I try to catch my breath ...... my lip trembles a bit ..... and I wonder "When and where is their first kiss?" I realize again that life is far too short to be miserable.

My advice is: "" Enjoy every moment that tou have, because before you know it is already over."


The Old Sailor,

January 26, 2009

It started with a kiss.....

Dear Bloggers,

This one I am writing especially for my beloved wife, who walked into my life 16 years ago and still I am having a hard time to express my feelings to her.
I am really surprised that we are still together as I am not the easiest person to live with.
Sometimes I am stubborn like hell and I am not the most caring guy in the world.
Somehow she must either really like me, or is she still in love with me?
I feel so lucky that I have met a woman like her.



Who shows her cares, respects, love ..to me.
Furthermore we got two beautiful girls, and they are not always easy to handle when daddy is away.
I must admit that I am having a different life as I am away, but if one of them is sick it is me that also doesn’t sleep and feels powerless.
I feel like it is a miracle that I met a girl who understands my feelings though I never express or let her know my feelings...
I don't know how she understands..
I never wanted to open my heart since I used to have a heartbroken experience.
I am so afraid to open my heart again...before I met this girl, I always concentrated on the things that kept me busy and try to find my dream job..
I always believed that true love would come to me one day....
Always tried to be strong and ignore all her love and compassion...
But for this special girl, I couldn't just force myself anymore.
I couldn't concentrate on my job anymore; I don't know what was going on in my heart...



My brain was covered with butterflies, she knows when I am sad, tired or even hungry...most of the people don't understand me like her because I always try to smile no matter if I feel sad or anything....always try to hide my feelings and make others think that I am strong.
She mentioned that I have a beautiful smile
The other day, while I walked out, she walked after me and opened the door for her with a smile which made her feel like a princess (I still don't understand why I acted like this, but sometimes I hope that a little bit of these feelings would return.)
But that's not why I admired her... it was just a guy's way to attract a girl.....there were more things that she has done for me, I was not the only one having a bad past experience...
In one occasion, (I don't want to specify the occasion), this girl gave me a warm feeling and a kiss on my cheek.



I didn't know why I let her kiss me because I always tried to avoid any kind of love relation.
She always made me smiling and I couldn't stop myself.
This is how our relation kicked off, and in the beginning I was head over heels, but somewhere my brain took a wrong turn.
The gentleman in me had disappeared and a more and more, our relationship started to crumble.
The only one in this case to blame is myself, or am I wrong?



Now it seems like I lost my strength, I feel like that something in me has changed...
Why do I keep thinking about her all the time?
I still try to keep myself busy with my job, but still...I am asking myself numerous times the following questions:
"Where is my strength?" and "Where is my confidence?"
And of course "Where is my dream job?" and "Where did that deeply loving person go?"
I have to do what I promised myself...but my heart is still asking for true love....where is my true love?
I know that I am still young in a way....anyway, thank you so much, dear, for always loving and caring about me until now.
I know that you never heard me say these words to you because my heart just couldn't open for anyone.
I really wish we could try to find the key to open it but maybe it was so hard for you to understand this mysterious guy.



All the words I want to let you know just don't come out.....I really wish there is someone out there could understand what my heart is saying, but now I am sitting here alone thinking of those memorable things you've done for me.
I will always love you and thank you again even you couldn't hear it but I hope there is a little miracle.
I really hope that the magic feeling is coming back to me once more as my heart is still fully in love with you.
I know I have to move on with my life, I know I have to be strong, tomorrow I have to go to work again and have to concentrate on my job
It's 2:30am and couldn't manage to sleep...still keep thinking of you.....still keep writing......do I need to have love??
Do I really need to tell you, all the time that I love you??
Please tell me what I should decide to do?



I am really trying to listen to you and not hurt your feelings, but believe me that it is never my intention to hurt you.
Of course I would love to become the man again, that I was in the beginning.
Somewhere inside of me, my feelings got blocked.
Forgive me for who I am, as it is not something simple that I can change.
You are the love of my life.......and no one can change that feeling.
I put on the cd of Rod Stewart and drift away on the beautiful song that was written by Van Morrison, "Have I Told you lately that I love you." here are the lyrics so you can sing along (but do it gently) when you find the song on youtube.

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

Oh the morning sun in all its glory
Greets the day with hope and comfort too
And you fill my life with laughter
You can make it better
Ease my troubles that's what you do

There's a love that's divine
And it's yours and it's mine
Like the sun at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray to the One

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

There's a love that's divine
And it's yours and it's mine
And it shines like the sun
At the end of the day we will give thanks
And pray to the One

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

Take away my sadness
Fill my life with gladness
Ease my troubles that's what you do
Fill my life with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles that's what you do.


Goodnight to you all.....wherever you are.

The Old Sailor,

October 29, 2008

Unfaithful

Dear Bloggers,

Unfaithful is the word of the day.

(This is my greatest fantasy, the girl of all my erotic dreams)

“Well? Tell me! What would you do?”
(this discussion started when we talked about sexual hunting feelings, my opponent is everything I am not "Young, free an single")
These are my questions to my opponent.
The subject is committing adultery and more people are showing up to give their opinion.
The small talk about this subject turned all of sudden into the talk of the day.
“Would you tell it?” someone is asking.
With no doubt I say: "Yes, I would tell her."

I get up and walk away from the group.
“What the hell is going on” I wonder why this is so important to them, are they afraid that their own partner might do the same?



And is that not partly their own fault, women are strange in that way.
“What would you do?” someone all of a sudden asks.
“If you would see a friend of you kissing someone else?”
Straight forward as I am, I answer: “I will warn him about what this might do to his future.”
“And furthermore I find that he should tell his girlfriend otherwise I could not face them as a couple.”
“But what if she was the one?”



“Then I would talk with her, if this was a wise decission in her life?”
The remark is clear: “I never thought that you would be so much softer towards women”
I react: “The difference between man and woman are so huge.”
And my opinion is that men think as a hunter, with women it is more about feelings and it is much deeper.
I guess that the woman has already said goodbye to her relationship, before she goes into a new adventure, eventhough she still loves her man, but in a different way.
“He simply can not arouse her enough to give her the shivers when they have sex.”



“To me it is somehow kind of logical” Let’s have a smoke.
When we enter the smoking room still discussing this matter.
Other persons jump in and give their opinion.
“I woke up once in someones bedroom and I could not remember what happened” But the comment on a note on the table said it all. “Goodmorning beautiful, I love you.”
(No!, I am not going to tell you who said this, as it will undermine my integrity.)



Then someone else tells that her family goes first.
“Oh, I have been trying to mess up someones relationship.”
Says all of sudden someone, where I never expected that kind of things from.
My brain is runing on top speed and I am listening sharp, as this a great subject to place on my blog.


(something for the girls, otherwise I am called a sexist)

My conclusion is: “That we are all have gone through different experiences and all think in our own way.”
Some of us have enough and do not struggle with these kind of things, others have a fantasy and feel themselves comfortable with that.
And there are of course the ones that bring this fantasy to live.
And you know that they are having a relationship at home.
I am convinced that nobody is for a 100% satisfied in life, it explains a lot about us as human beings. But also that sex is important in someones life.

“Why are otherwise condoms and viagra are sold so much?”
A good investment at the moment a sex is a stabile factor even there is a financial crisis.
But tell me ..........honestly dear bloggers,
“What would you do if the friend of your best friend is unfaithful to her partner?
It gave me a lot food for thought, what about you?

The Old Sailor,

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