Just another Christmas

Dear Bloggers,

A bit late for the time of the month in this last month of the year there is so much to do and work is more irregular than other months. Although I have some free time but many people want something from me. They are all needy and I am working a lot of late shifts to earn my money as a bus driver.

Slowly but definitely is the nocturnal horizon sliding by. On the radio their playing Christmas songs and easy listening songs it's that time of the year again and I hum them along softly. A typical ride home after a late evening shift. Suddenly, there are shooting all kinds of thoughts about the past through my head. I plink away a little teardrop that is rolling down my cheek. I think about all the beautiful moments of my past and see myself in the smoking ruins that remain of it. I dance in my mind together through the night with my dearest girlfriend who just all too soon slipped away from us. Gently giggling we shuffle along, tightly pressed against each other by through the splinters of my present life. By now I'm used to absorb all the blows that life brings me. Though I sometimes wonder why I and I question myself did I deserve this mess? I'm really happy in life and a great sense of humor is very important, so please do not misunderstand me. I have a wonderful family and I can enjoy their being to the fullest every day. Already there has changed a lot in the last few years. But that doesn't keep me really from working hard for them and I do it with love.

My eyes stare into the darkness of the night and I roll quietly on to the highway. Beautiful thoughts flickering through my mind, thoughts from long gone. I go all the way back to my early childhood. The time when everything was just right and the only thing we knew about violence and terror attacks were from the time of the Second World War, the village where I grew up had everything a man needed. There was a butcher and two bakeries, a haberdashery shop and two small supermarkets. There was a drugstore, a cigar shop, a hairdresser and a bicycle repair shop. There were a few restaurants and some bars. Not much bigger than this was our world. If you had to go to a hospital or other needs you had to travel to a bigger town. 

My late mother was not having a driving license so we had to rely on my dads free time or we had to take the bus, which only stopped there three times a day. Yet I do not feel I've missed something. Maybe going on vacation because there was unfortunately not a chance to do that. Of course I listened with red glowing ears to the beautiful holiday stories and adventures that other children had experienced in my class, like some guys who went with their fathers in the truck all the way to France and the others had gone to a camping place in places that sounded completely foreign to me. I camped with my parents in the backyard and I needed to help them out to earn my pocket money. And no I there's really no harm of doing some labour. At some later age, I was staying with an aunt and uncle of mine, but it turned out as a big dip because I was severe homesick. 

Since I'm quite a bit of a dreamer and I am not always being convenient for things that I said, so I got lost during a school trip. In my teenage years I was quite defiant and rebellious and I had trouble with authority from teachers. And teachers were to me more a target to argue with and kicking against the rules and yes I often could win these battles with all its consequences. Through all the hassle I got expelled from school because I had hit back a teacher because he could not win the debate so at that time you just received a blow to your head from the teacher. And no I did not sit back and let it come over me. So I gave him a punch back and he went down. After speaking with the principal of the school, we had to find another school. Not easy I must say. After a while I felt a lot better at the new and much smaller school I felt much more at home here but it was too late for me too pick up all my grades and I did not have the knowledge to leave school with a diploma. 

In the meantime, I drank my first beers and I got into a preconceived plan of a certain "Monique" from the area of Sneek my first French kiss. My God what was I upside down of this first real kiss and I was nervous for this moment to do something with a girl so intimate, yet there was no follow up on my fumbling and she let me know that it was only one time. A little bit disappointed I went home with a hundred thousand drowned butterflies in my stomach. 

And on the other hand I am so glad I did this. In a way or another, the ball was rolling. And the fair in the autumn I had suddenly "thick friendship" and out of nowhere after a month or six it was suddenly all over and we broke up. My heart was not simply broken but completely shattered into a thousand small pieces. After a few months I started on something new and I had to join the military in the meantime for my service that we had to do for our country. Just before that I had to join the army, I had my final exams at school and out of the blue came the sad news that my dear girlfriend had passed away. It tore my heart into pieces and I lost at that time all the confidents in having a relationship and in faith of the Lord. I could hardly swallow my grief I had a hard time with my feelings and anger was playing tricks on me.

BANG, she all of a sudden was there and I was staring at her as if I had been struck by lightning. There she was a beautiful but very shy girl from Germany with the looks of an angel. After a couple of days I dared to make contact with her and we exchanged addresses. It was a long and warm penfriendsrelationship. Unfortunately I was too shy and anxious to express my feelings to her. So in that respect it was therefore nothing sexual though we were staying over at eachother homes and were occasionally together and slept in seperate bedrooms. We were just very good friends and I really learned a lot out of our correspondence. With lots of fun and sometimes mixed emotions I wrote down things that were on my mind and all in handwriting I expressed my troubles and she just gave me good thoughtful answers. And yes, She is still having a very beautiful and special place in my heart.

Meanwhile, I arrived home I reverse the car into the driveway, and the whole neighborhood is into a deep sleep. I walk in and take our dogs out of their benches. Yet here I sit day-dreaming on the couch and then I think of another relationship that unfortunately ended up into nothing after a while. No my heart broke down repeatedly but I don't blame nobody for this, at best I question myself occasionally and ask what I have done so wrong in all of those situations and was I such a jerk that I was worth to leave? I hope nobody's done anything too short. Yes, I'm only a human being and far from perfect I can tell, should this be the case then we can always talk about. BANG !!! Suddenly the joy suddenly hits me back into intense grief. 

Tears are rolling down my cheeks when I think back how many there are who we have lost both young and old. And some of them are easier to cope with than others anyway it is always for someone a drama. With these thoughts I sneak quietly into bed, and I wish my wife a good night and I cry myself into sleep quietly. At moments like this I miss the warmth and love of my Mum to comfort me. Despite of everything, I am a happy person and we have two wonderful daughters and my wife is slowly but surely recovering end does step by step a little bit better. I can enjoy happily lots of small and simple things like our own children that are during the Summer Holidays are camping in our back yard. They do not complain at all because they are here also on a holiday. Yet they do have a wish for more time together as a family for a day to go out together. Slowly but surely our little girls grow up. I try to catch my breath ...... my lip trembles a bit ..... and I wonder "When and where is their first kiss?" I realize again that life is far too short to be miserable.

My advice is: "" Enjoy every moment that tou have, because before you know it is already over."

The Old Sailor,