twenty years ago

Dear Bloggers,

I am 44 years old and I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman (42 years old) for 20 years. We have been married for 15 years. We have a beautiful 13 year old girl and a 8 year old girl. We always have been a quite happy couple as we were both happy in our jobs and lives. In the past year my wife often complained that she was unhappy in her job and with her life and admitted to being in a full blown crisis with herself. As her boss was making her life to a living hell as she was bullied by her.

She always said however, that his unhappiness had nothing to do with the kids or me but that everything else in her life was 'wrong'. I believed her.In fact I always thought that we had a very strong marriage. We seldom fought and shared some hobbies and interests and also had our own separate lives. She had gone in to therapy and we have been in some heavy battles. As she started to stand up for herself my life became less pleasant.

In Juli I discovered that she had just started to change ............. The cliche! I was devastated, shattered and asked her if I needed to move out of our home and reflect what she really wanted. What should I do? Am I fighting a losing battle? No it is time to hang in there. I guess that many couples would break up at this point and others will make a new and fresh start. I started to read about it and found the following things. I was surprised about what I found.

A new study shows it's possible to be madly in love even after 20-some years. Nice news in today's world where the idea of lasting love seems almost quaint. The study from Stony Brook University in New York used brain scans to find that some long-married couples have the same intensity of attraction from the "dopamine-rich" area of the brain as newly in-love couples.
We all remember the intense butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling of falling in love... and the uncertainty over whether those feelings are returned. 

This study suggests that after 20 years you can have the excitement without the apprehension. The area of the brain associated with anxiety was less active for the long marrieds than it was for new couples.
Unfortunately the findings shed no light on the "how." A small sample, it doesn't delve into what happens in the middle -- the years between wedded bliss and empty nest passion. Skeptics claim, the study only shows that "It's possible to fall in love again rather than it's possible to maintain new love."

After 20 years couples have survived career strain and financial draining. Parents subside for years on baby-talk and carpool roulette. And that's if they're lucky enough to avoid life's other challenges. If you've made it through that, perhaps it means that you have to rediscover your partner. You either realize you have nothing in common or you fall in love again. The mid-life crisis looms.

In the course of interviewing 40-something women for 40-20 vision, they've found some who still have an intense passion. Then others who don't think they'll ever have that first love flutter again but ended up with something they say is better: A partner who is there for them, makes them laugh and shares the highs and lows. Someone who you trust enough to give space and take space... and who you still can get it on with even it if has its peaks and valleys. The one thing everyone agrees on is the ups and downs. It's really how you handle them that counts.

One observation concludes that the results make many couples feel inadequate about their relationship. That's something 40-something women relate to. We love to compare after all. Which may be why so many women expressed disbelief or awe about a recent interview with Sting on his relationship with Trudie Styler. They seem to be living proof of the study's findings. In addition to the Tantric sex rumors, they cite a few other reasons for the success of their 18-year marriage:

'Relationships aren't easy, but we're lucky because we actually like each other,' says 59-year-old Sting. 'We love each other -- that's a given -- but Trudie lights my world up when she comes into a room. I don't take her for granted.'

'It's important to have frank discussions about what the other wants. To be in a relationship that is like a little lifetime, that's a challenge,' Styler admits.

'Being apart juices the relationship,' says Sting, noting, 'There's a playfulness we have; I like the theater of sex.'

How does this compare to them who have survived years of marriage while living real lives? Surprisingly it's pretty consistent. Here are a few perspectives:

One thing I'd tell my 44-year-old self is that I'm glad that I hung in there in the marriage. I had tenacity. A lot of young people would've said, 'I am out of here.' I'm so glad I learned what commitment is. You can't be inside anyone else's marriage but when I see my friends getting divorced now, I'm like, 'Are you kidding me? Over that?' I would say to be committed and tenacious and kind... but don't forget about yourself in the process.

Be aware of each other's needs and expectations. It's being on the same page, even if it's to expect the unexpected.

We truly adore each other. After 20 years I'm happy to see her when she walks in the door. Of course sometimes I want to punch her in the face but overall, she makes me happy. For the most part our expectations of each other are always met. Many people are unhappy because they're constantly disappointed when their expectations don't meet. If you're well aware of what your spouse needs and wants and you're willing to do it, it makes for a lot more peace, happiness and overall enjoyment.

You have to like each other. It keeps the lows from being deal-breakers.

Sometimes you're in sync and sometimes you're not. Through the years it's been back and forth. Sometimes she's so amazing. I just see her and think, 'wow.' And then sometimes I'm 'uggh, I'm so not attracted to her.' She probably hasn't even done anything. She's the exact same. It's just me. But as long as you both have good intentions and you treat each other like friends that you like... as opposed to someone you're pissed at, you'll be okay.

Spend some time apart.

You have to cultivate your own interests. It keeps it interesting. When you do stuff that doesn't involve the other person it makes it more fun to be together. If you don't have a social life, an intellectual life or some kind of activity that isn't all about your significant other, it's really hard to feel that you have a sense of identity.

Don't take each other for granted. Make an effort to make alone time together.

It could be just be watching a comedy or movie together or going to dinner. We do a date one night a weekend. We go out just the two of us and try to not talk about the kids. Have something outside of raising your kids or talking about the business of running the house or all that stuff.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable. You have to trust that you can be yourself.

You can't have real intimacy unless you're willing to be vulnerable, both emotionally and sexually. You can't really be yourself during any sort of sexual intimacy if you don't allow yourself to feel vulnerable. It only comes from being safe with somebody, trusting them. (hmm....and this is cousing in many couples the break-up as they aren’t vulnerable and this leads often to things such as adultery.)

And last but not least...stay physically connected no matter what.

Stay intimate and close, especially after you have a child. She is not a roommate. It's an intimate relationship. Stay connected physically. And hold hands. Say I love you. These are just simple things that are easy forgotten.

Who knows, perhaps knowing that you can recapture that first love rush without the fear can be motivation for couples to stay versus stray. 

The Old Sailor,

The dream

Dear Bloggers,

First of all happy 2012 to you all that read my blog, I went to bed early last night around 2 o'clock because I’ve been down with a nasty bug the last few days of 2011. I snuggled down into my covers with pillows surrounding me and fell into blessed sleep. I woke at 7 AM this needing more cough medicine and another slathering of Vicks. To man of my age the flu is a near death experience. After having had 5 hours of sleep already, it was tough to fall back into that comfortable oblivion. I finally made it around nine in the morning and had the following dream….

I walk up the steps of a house that we have checked out on the internet and it was surrounded by snow, the doorpost lit with Christmas lights and the livingroom window decorated with a lovely garland, a rocking chair with red cushions, a rustic end table with an antique lantern and a pot of hot chocolate waiting for the tasting. After a few minutes of a gentle swing and the warmth of the tasty brew, I take my cup and head for the door. Damn it feels like home and hopefully it is a dream come true this time. As I very seldom can remember my awkward dreams.

Surprised and pleased I open the door to a spacious room with a cheerful fire dancing in the hearth. Every bit of the house is decorated with lovely decorations and fresh sprigs of evergreen and holly. The kitchen sits at one end of the house, a succulent meal waiting in the oven, home baked cookies and candies fill a tiered tray and fresh coffee brews on the counter. Inspecting the contents of the refrigerator and cupboards, I see that nothing has been overlooked. There is food aplenty for breakfast, lunch and dinner with snacks to enjoy between. Yes I dream about food and that is though being on a strict diet of low carbs.

Exploring the living room I find a shelf filled with books to my liking and a cozy throw and pillows on a comfy chair by the fire. Next to the chair is a basket with wood and fire place tools hooks, to poke up the fire on the table has a drawing tablet and all the essentials to create with. To the side of the room sits a desk filled with a laptop and supplies for writing on paper the old fashioned way. A camera patiently wait for my use. An entertainment center holds a television, DVD player, stereo, DVDs and CDs for my enjoyment.

I climb up a spiral staircase to an open loft above to find a large bed with a dark but warm blanket, a couple of pillows in different shapes and sizes and a bed-stand with a laptop and a spot to hold a coffeepot and cup for my nights of snuggling in and writing. The bathroom sits to one side of the loft and houses a great shower only

.

I am charmed and somewhat giddy over the idea that I have this lovely piece of heaven to myself. I reach for my cellphone to call my family to thank them for this gift and find that I haven’t brought my phone with me. Panic hits me where is my family? And how can I reach them? I open the computer to log on to facebook to at least contact my wife, only to find that facebook and email is not allowed. I am able to browse the internet, but there will be no contact with the outside world for these two weeks.

My heart begins to ache. I’d rather share this place with the ones I love. How can I spend Christmas alone in the perfect place, perfectly decorated and saturated with the things I love if the people I love aren’t with me? I try to enjoy the amenities of this wondrous place but find I fall deeper into despair. I want to leave but have no idea how I’ve arrived. Can I find a way home before Christmas arrives to spend that blessed holiday with those I hold dear?

In the living room, a mysterious door appears and I cautiously open it to inspect the contents. It is a hallway that leads to room after room of beds, bathrooms, a playroom. My heart aches even more at the emptiness I find. I wander back to the living room and sit on the floor before the fire, feeling sorry for myself and sorry for those I’ve left behind. Is this the future did I do something stupid or what. Panic strikes me again.

Steps on the path drag my eyes away from the fire. The door opens and through my tears I see the faces of those I love file into the cozy house.

I woke at that point to the sound of my wife placing our daughter into our bed before she would wake up the rest of the family who had a long night last night.

I am fully awake in my own home filled with love, mess and crappy decorations. Still achy and sick from the flu, but so much happier than I could ever be in this perfect little house with all the perfect decorations and amenities. Without those people who make life beautiful for me the perfection of that place would feel beyond empty, barren.

This kind of emotions probably run through my brain due to the things that are happening in our neighborhood at the moment. two couples have been broken up due to adultery and they have been good friends for many years. But if one starts doing the other it soon becomes a life soap opera affecting most painfully the "innocent" partners and specially the poor little kids. How can people that stupid. Again this morning hell broke loose.

It must be hard that you are left with a broken heart and broken future dreams. But I wander always did the victims not give enough to their own partners or is it the adventure to have sex with a familiar "stranger"? Don't they realize that they will ruin their kids lives as much as their own. It is pretty hectic for a sleepy village like this. And it has been going on for a few years. It was found out by a extreme high cell phone bill. Silly how all of sudden things can turn.

Think before you do and still do many other things impulsive.

The Old Sailor,

What is it all about is it love or commitment

Dear Bloggers,

One of my good friends revealed to me a few months ago: "I love my wife, but I cannot help thinking of other women. I even had an affair with a work colleague and I feel terrible about it. What is wrong with me? Why do I find other women desirable and, at the same time, love my wife more than anything?"


My answer to my friend was that there is nothing wrong with him - physically. There is nothing wrong with him, because he is a human being, and by nature, we, human beings, are constantly physically attracted to the opposite sex. This feeling of attraction may be weak when we are in the "hot phase" of our new relationship, but normally it claws its way back to our brain with a vengeance when the physical peak of the relationship has passed. I also told my friend that this feeling is nothing to be ashamed of, even if it feels contradictory that we can be exclusively in love and have non-exclusive feelings of physical attraction at the same time.

My friend was now confused and he asked: "Are you telling me then that there is nothing wrong about these feelings of physical attraction in a brain of a happily married or otherwise committed person"? My answer was yes, that's exactly what I am saying. I explained that I believe these feelings are something we cannot really have control over and there is nothing abnormal about the fact that women find other men attractive and men desire other women, even if they are simultaneously in love with their partners. This is how humans were designed and we cannot reprogram our brain to completely ignore a beautiful woman or a handsome man walking by. We can pretend that we don't see anything, but our preprogrammed brain tells us to watch.

My friend looked relieved, like the guilt was shifting from him to the designer of the human mold. Like he was just doing something nature had programmed him to do.

I continued and explained that this realization of constant physical attraction is just the other side of the relationship coin, the easy part. The more difficult side of the coin is the mental side, the side that can overrun or yield to the physical side, depending on the strength of the mental side of an individual coin. This side draws the difference between faithfulness and unfaithfulness. Thus, once you have acknowledged the fact that you are capable of being happily in a relationship and still physically attracted to other people, the center of gravity turns to the mental side of the coin, to the human side. This side offers you an opportunity to choose between your priorities: what is more important to you, a relationship and commitment, or your physical needs and attractions.

It may well be that your answer to the above question is the latter; your physical needs weigh more than a committed relationship with one partner. This may be the case even if you have a very strong mental side on your coin. It could be that you simply are not ready to be committed just yet. It could be that you want to see and experience more before you jump into something permanent, something that feels more restricted than a life with open options. And, that is fine. You have every right to feel that way. You have every right to be a single woman or a man and never be ready for commitment. Some people are never ready for a relationship and that is the way they want it.

However, things become different when you enter into a serious relationship and truly promise your partner to be a faithful and trustworthy companion. You make a promise to your partner that you are ready for her or him and ready to be committed, ready to live a life with just one partner, a life without open options. This is a choice, a sacrifice you make voluntarily yourself. You trade your life of open options with a life of partner-stability, trust and companionship. You acknowledge that the life of open options will end, but regardless of this acknowledgement, you voluntarily enter into your new life. It is a conscious choice of two free people.

If you make this choice, you should be able to live by your commitment and the promise of faithfulness. Not because you are no longer attracted to other people, but because of respect for your partner. You should be able to fight your physical needs and let the mental side of the coin prevail. Let the human side of the coin beat the physical, preprogrammed, side of you. The choice is yours, because even if your brain may be reprogrammed to feel the sexual attraction, we humans are also blessed with a mind that is conscious and capable of breaking free from the default settings of our brain. This is an amazing power and something that separates us from the rest of the creatures on this planet.

The physical side however is a tough opponent and doesn't always go away without a fight. It plays games with your mind and tries to win you over. It may make you juggle between a serious relationship and various affairs and flings. It may make you believe that keeping a partner and simultaneously having affairs is a good way to secure the best of both worlds: having a loving partner and a wild sexual adventure, all at the same time. However, don't be fooled by the seemingly strong physical side of the coin. You can beat it if your mental side is strong enough. You are at the end of the day the one who lets the physical side prevail over the mental side.

Why do people so often choose to yield to the physical side? What makes unfaithfulness an attractive choice and worth the risks? Can the reasons be traced and blamed on a society where affairs sometimes are quietly accepted and treated as a normal, inevitable, course of life? Are we unfaithful because of the following reasons: "we only live once", "everybody is doing it", "I was in a different country", "I had too much to drink", "I was on a conference trip" or because "it was just my ex"? Do we really know the real reason for our unfaithfulness? Can we accept the fact that the reason for unfaithfulness really comes to one thing and one thing only: lack of respect for our partner.

Lack of self-discipline and weak backbone are the evil cousins of disrespect. An unfaithful partner wants to keep the options open but is not courageous enough to try it out as a single man or woman and risk some time alone when company is hard to find. He wants to play it "safe" and enjoy affairs and a happy marriage or a relationship and believes that he has found the winning combination. It certainly may sound like a winning combination, but is that really what it is. Can an unfaithful person look in the mirror and say to himself: I am unselfish, disciplined and courageous and I truly respect my partner?

I believe that respect is the very key when it comes to successful and long-lasting relationships. Both partners know that they are most likely capable of cheating, but respect keeps them from doing that. It may all sound overly simplistic, but the reason for unfaithfulness in an otherwise functioning relationship really comes to a one thing: lack of respect for your partner. Surely respect cannot be forced or implanted on anyone and there may be difficult circumstances, where there seems to be accepted reasons for unfaithfulness. Maybe one of the partners is completely uninterested in having sex, while the other is longing for a functioning sex life, or there is simply no love and respect left in the relationship etc.

However, the question in these situations should be, should I be in this relationship, rather than, should I be unfaithful to my partner.

Don't take me wrong, I am not judgmental and very well understand that people make mistakes and do things that they are not proud of. And, in extreme cases, partners even give their approval for affairs or prefer an open relationship all together. However, in a relationship where both partners expect faithfulness and trust, the unfaithful partner should understand the true reasons for his conduct. The cheating partner has agreed to make a commitment, but is not living up to his or her promise. He decided to choose one partner in order to have stability, trust and companionship, but because of lack of respect, backbone and his overriding selfish needs, cannot live up to his promise. It is hard to take the blame, but sometimes reality hurts. That's why it is called reality.

It can be a tough thing to swallow that you can only sleep with one person the rest of your life. It may be tough thing to swallow that sex has turned from a privilege to an obligation, or to a mere weekly/monthly act of killing the awkwardness of lacking physical contact. However, your commitment is still a conscious choice and a sacrifice, which you voluntarily made yourself. You may want to keep the options open, but then you need to keep the options open as a single man, not as a family man. And, if you don't want to be a single man, then be a family man, a respectful man. Show the backbone and self-discipline you have in you. Don't let the easy side of the coin prevail.

There is really no excuse for cheating on your partner and realizing this might just make your relationship happier and hopefully even prevent future missteps. I am not able to stop her thoughts about the perfect man, but these guys do not excisit unless they are ruthless players. I have seen to many relations gone bust do to a lack of interest in their sexlives, if she is taking it easy he is scanning for other options like watching porn or have an affair. Men are not very complex thinkers if it comes to the subject sex. The choice is yours, but if you want to keep the dark clouds out and life up to your commitment, give your partner the respect he or she deserves and expects. You expect the same.

The Old Sailor,

P.S. We should remember that we humans are all on the same boat of life and carry similar hopes, similar needs and similar dreams. We are all born with a need to be respected and loved. Born with a need to be someone. Someone successful. Someone decent.