Already today my body has become my enemy

Dear bloggers,

Yesterday was the day that I had to go to the hospital; hopefully they will come soon with some results as living with pain 24/7 is unbearable.
At least that is what I think.
As all the results of yesterdays examinations brought absolutely nothing.
My day at the hospital started at 09:30 and ended at 17:00 well I was fully in a sarcastic mood when we went home.
Only a lot of frustration was what they could offer me, and for **** sake it is eating me alive.



If they can at least tell me what my future will bring me, and even if it means that I can work only a few days a week.
It will give me something to struggle with.

Well this how my day looks like, when I am home.
I love my family and I know they love me.
A little understanding would go a long way.
It is 6:15 am. I stumble towards the bathroom as hot water is a relief and helps me to get in motion.
Already today my body has become my enemy.
Some days are worse than others, and I have not held myself back enough lately.
I have been enjoying my kid's playing outdoors too much.



The pain bothers me all night long every night, all day every day.
No position is comfortable.
I keep moving and trying to position my body so it won’t hurt so badly.
The alarm goes off, I wasn't asleep but it still surprises me.
When I stand PAIN! My feet hurt so badly, and it just goes on up my body like a tidal wave.
Sometimes it brings tears to my eyes.
I try hard not to let any one see me when it is this bad.
Just my wife but she is most of the time sound asleep.
Some days are worse and this day is worse.
I just keep moving, walking praying my muscles and joints will loosen up enough for me to enjoy the morning with my daughters.



I want to take my muscle relaxer and a paracetamol when they leave.
Words cannot describe what I feel; is it called fibromyalgia or polymyalgia or is it Lyme disease?
What ever name it is given it has had me in its grip since this winter.
Sometimes I don't know what causes it.
It takes me by surprise I may make a soft grunt or moan.



I am feeling horrible and it is coming out as I am grumpy and burst out in anger if they are not listening.
I know it is wrong to yell at the ones that you love.
But god it is difficult sometimes.
You know that no one wants to hear you moan or complaining.
The pain has control, I am exhausted, my whole body hurts, and even my eyes feel dry and gritty.
It feels as if my bones are cutting through my muscles, tendons and skin.
It feels as if I am metamorphosing, my muscles can no longer support my bones and are melting away.



I feel I am turning into something ugly; I don't want to go out unless I absolutely have too.
It hurts and I am so tired of this PAIN second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour, week after week.
I cannot keep up with housework; the rare visitor probably thinks that I am lazy.
I see the looks I get. I am not lazy. I am disabled (ugly word).



I work still a full time job at the receptiondesk of a ferry, raising together with my wife two daughters.
I did all of this at the same time.
I was strong, the busier I was the more I loved it, but all of a sudden I had to take it easy and it was the start of a life full of pain.
I say this to people who don't have Acute Chronic Pain; do not judge me.
I may look normal enough if you don't look close.

But know this you are fortunate.
I am in constant, unending, unrelenting PAIN.
It rules my life, my family’s life.
It seems I only exist at times.
My empathy to all of you who suffer as I do.

It took me a while too write this story, but it is worth it as my life is at certain times pretty frustrating.

The Old Sailor,

ABBA - When All is Said and Done

Dear Bloggers,

Typing is very hard at the moment, but the music keeps me going.
Soon I will be back with a bit of text

The Old Sailor,

A tribute to the Scottish fans

Dear Bloggers,

As a bad experience with so called football fans, did not make me look forward to a football trip of the Tartan Army, but I must admit that I was wrong this time, prejudging what was coming towards us. We are used to at least having a bit of trouble during the busy weekends.



But this a tribute to Scottish football Fans
Supporters of the Scottish national team, the so called “Tartan Army” are real fans and they are different than from most other football fans. They are not only loyal to their own country, but like also other countries and clubs. Although some supporters think a bit differently. The races between the superpowers of football are often degenerate into vicious fights, sometimes with murder and manslaughter as a result.



Last week more then 1300 Tartan Army fans travelled on our ship, the group was quite good organized a few minor issues could be solved pretty quickly. To me it was really sensational when they boarded the ship in North Shields, nearly all of them were dressed in kilt’s. As a Dutch man I had seen the country dress up in Orange but this was also a very nice picture. They travelled with us to see Scotland – Holland. Also commentaries around the game were fantastic as they expected some trouble.
The game between Netherlands and Scotland ended that Scotland lost with 3-0 Sufficient reason for Scottish fans after a big booze again separately, end up in a fight with supporters of Holland. If you could imagine. Because it often is. But that was not. There was no arrest.

Two police officers from Amsterdam said: How the Scotland supporters behaved, should be for all an example.



The highlight of peaceful (say brotherhood) behavior was the great party that came over Amsterdam.
It does not hurt anyone if you are being a bit drunk, but in a happy mood. Only a few pubs ran out of beer, but that was easy to fix.

Other supporters should be able to take an example to those of the famous Tartan Army.

The Social Charter prohibits any form of discrimination. Also this group is collecting more and more money for charity and solidarity funds. In 3 days time we transported 3,000 Scottish fans and it was in my eyes the largest peaceful migration by ship since the Second World War to the city of Amsterdam and a few days later the travelled back home.



Despite the defeat against the Netherlands was no incident recorded by the police on board we had only rather small issues but they were simply to resolve by extra security by talking to the person. The supporters of “the Tartan Army” having there own style and it is humorous and musical. The ship’s crew identified this style as the best in the world.

I served with pleasure this time, I got a different view on Scottish people now.
Well I stick to this phrase like always: “Live life as long it is there, pray for less fights, spend your last money on a drink and fuck if your life is depending on it.”

The Old Sailor,

Stiffness

Dear Bloggers,

As you could read in my last blog, pain is becoming more and more into my life. Also my fingers are affected by it and I really have to take my time to write a story, my blogs might become a little less frequent but as long as I can I will keep you posted. I was just wondering if you have any clue what is hitting me at the moment. I will try to write down what is making my live extremely difficult at the moment.



Do you wake up in the morning feeling like you are just unable to get out of bed?
Do you have joint aches and muscle stiffness?
If you can answer yes to these questions then you may be suffering from morning stiffness.
As I am suffering, but I do not complain that I am a victim of morning stiffness. This stiffness is often long lasting and recurrent, and sometimes becomes a permanent symptom.

What is Morning Stiffness?
(Yeah, right a dirty mind is joy forever, but it is not what I mean today.)
Morning stiffness is pretty self-explanatory – it’s stiffness that you feel when you first wake up in the morning.
But what does this stiffness actually feel like?
Well, let me describe morning stiffness as a tightness in the muscles and joints throughout the body.
This muscle joint stiffness usually lasts for at least 30 minutes, though it can last for hours.

It also doesn’t exclusively occur in the morning – it can continue well into the afternoon and evening. This stiffness can impede movement and range of motion as well as cause aches and pains throughout the body.



This morning stiffness can have a huge impact on a person’s daily activities, making it difficult to sit, stand, or rest for extended periods of time.

Where Does Morning Stiffness Occur?
Morning stiffness occurs in the muscles, joints, tendons, and ligaments throughout the body.
Stiffness can be felt in pretty much any connective tissue, but the extremities are particularly at risk for stiffness.
This means that most of the time I feel morning stiffness in my hands, feet, arms, or legs.
The back is also particularly prone to stiffness, especially thoracic, and cervical spine areas.



Symptoms of Morning Stiffness
There are numerous symptoms that often occur with morning stiffness.
If you notice any of these symptoms, report them to your doctor so that you can get appropriate treatment and relief.

1. tightness in the muscles after you wake up in the morning
2. stiffness in hands, fingers, feet, toes
3. gelling, or tightness in the muscles after periods of rest (for eample: long car rides, sitting at the office, afternoon naps)
4. aching or throbbing pain, especially in the hands, arms, legs, and feet
5. inability to fully extend certain joints, limited range of motion
stiffness in the head, back, and neck
6. stiffness reoccurring at night

Aggravating Factors
Certain factors seem to aggravate morning stiffness especially I would note that cold and humid weather make their morning stiffness worse.
Also sleep disorders contribute to the severity of morning stiffness symptoms. Anxiety and stress are also known contributors to morning stiffness.

How does Morning Stiffness Impact You?
Morning stiffness can take its toll on you, especially if you suffer from severe symptoms.



Muscle stiffness and joint stiffness can make it difficult to go to work, drive a car, or even get out of bed in the morning.
However, with movement, morning stiffness does get better and it is usually possible to keep up with your daily tasks.
If you are suffering from morning stiffness for a longer period of time it is a good idea to consult with your doctor.

But take my advise:"Just look up, maybe you just miss the sun..."

The Old Sailor,

If pain is taking over your life.

Dear Bloggers,

What if pain is taking over your life.
At the moment I am living life with a lot of pain, my doctor got finally realistic and sends me to specialist of internal diseases.
I am just over 40 and my body is fully working against me. In the blood tests that were done, once again there was nothing found and I am so not amused.
All my joints are hurting, my neck, my elbows, my knees, my wrists (off and on in various finger joints) and one of my ankles.
The year has just started and it is a painful beginning.

About 12 months back they discovered that I have Tietze's syndrome.(Costochondritis)
I walked around for almost 2 years with a nagging pain in my left side at my 4th rib from the top counted.
First they thought that it was pain of the recovery of my lung after the pneumonia that I've had.
Because I was still fairly unfamiliar to the intense pain it caused, in the beginning I was a few times rapidly rushed to the hospital with an expected heart attack.
The symptoms seemed to be very similar and the pain at the left is so stinging that it just feels like you are going to die.
The hospital found out, after a number of examinations that there was nothing wrong with the heart.
But what it was, they were not entirely sure.



To my great surprise I had a number of things that I no longer used as such as my garden tools.
This kind of things I have to suffer with an intense pain that will bring me one or two days completely down.
When the diagnosis was made that I had Tietze, I started searching the Internet and came to the discovery that I was not the only one suffering from this.
I ended up on the site of A. G. Hol: www.tietze.nl
I discovered only now that it is something that has been there for years and I finally figured what was going on with me.

In winter I have trouble getting up on my feet and I'm stiff from head to toe.
All my moving parts are hurting like hell.
I am like a very old man when I am at the beginning of my day.
To give you an example of how my day is:
“You feel like having a heavy flu than you can also sense the pain from the muscles, also the heavy feeling and being extremely tired is part of it.” (I fall asleep in the middle of the day, I get sleepy out of nothing.)
I am simply falling asleep from one moment being fully awake until the next moment I am falling into a deep sleep.



However, the severe pain is getting sharper and tears my soul in two.
My fingers do not work with me and they are so stiff and painful, and my daughters, I can not help them, for example, a biscuit packaging I can not open it.
But whatever is coming on my path, I also have to learn to accept and that fibromyalgia is going to be part of my near future, and again I just have to get used to it.

Life is a path that is crossed by pain and love.
Only a pity is that I see more pain than love.
Happiness comes in small pills, who are also called painkillers.

The Old Sailor

Happy Birthday Old Sailor.

Dear Bloggers,

It is that time of the year again, soon there is my birthday to celebrate and year 41is there (that is 14.975 days).
Like every year the discussion starts what should we get you this year.
And funny enough the answer is already there, like always.

This year I get a new car stereo as the “old” one is giving up on us.
Not too expensive I claimed as the “new second hand car” might have these things integrated.



Aging. Getting old. Nothing seems to shrivel up a person's wish to celebrate the anniversary of their birth like the number of candles to be lit on their cake.

Sure, there's a large number of cards at the corner store dedicated to sagging skin and creaking joints, but you know: age is just a number, right?
Comedic interpretation, learning to laugh about turning 41 will do much more to make you smile than woe over your latest grey hair ever will.



There's great reason to look at getting older as a good thing - you get to move on from the torture of growing up and look forward to things to come. With age tends to come a sense of peace and forward thinking - as we move into adulthood, life can become more about what the future holds for us than what we missed out on yesterday.

Now, a quiet dinner with your loved ones, without any gifts at all, can make for the best celebration you've ever had.
Remember the hell that was adolescence? You're done with shyly wondering if the popular kid in school was gossiping about you or one of your best friends.

Your early twenties were likely the years of (not just birthday) parties, hot dates, not being a grown-up, but no longer a child. It seems like every one's got the same early 20s strife: we searched to figure out who we were going to be with someone else, instead of figuring out who we already were. We were running after the perfect achievements - things, friends, careers and lovers - without being able to sit still and recognize what we already had.



I've heard that with the 30s comes a sense of peacefulness and acceptance. We stop always looking for something better, shinier and more expensive and get to know ourselves. We become more focused on comfort, as opposed to unachieved idealism. Some of us develop families and become the parents we would like to be; others put their time and effort into career and personal development outside of the home. Some of us do both! All of us tend to learn that what we have is okay and even a little bit wonderful, and we drop the feelings of regret over unimportant choices we made in the past.



With our 40th birthday, we might evaluate our lives. Our kids (if there are any) are often growing old enough for us to grant them more independence, we've got a lot of experience we didn't 20 years ago, and we've come to know ourselves and the world around us enough to ask, "What's next?" without negating anything we've already lived. We can sit, pondering whether we'd like to study something new, take a new turn in our careers, start a business - and best of all, we've gained enough confidence in ourselves to believe that we can do what we set out for.



I can't wait to get older and to celebrate each birthday that marks me maturing. Maybe wrinkles and sagging aren't on my wish list, but the wisdom, being comfortable with myself and my life's choices, peacefulness and the adventures that await? Definitely the best birthday presents I could ever hope for.

What are you looking forward to as you get to your next milestone?

The Old Sailor,

A night out with the Old Sailor,

Dear Bloggers,

Sometimes I have these brilliant ideas to go a night out with my wife, but when you are having two kids not old enough to stay on their own.
You need to organize things on forehand.
And this is not easy when you are like me, and right away I say yes to a spontaneous idea.
Ok, everything turned out the right way.
Although I need to thank a lot of people for this great support and cooperation they al gave. We had the opportunity to have a look behind the scenes of the musical Sunset Boulevard.



First of all I will revert to the movie.
Sunset Boulevard is typical of Billy Wilder's penchant for risky subject matter, but it's also more visually appealing than some of his films combined.
It's a film that succeeds on many levels of production; the script is intricate and boldly conceived (if at times melodramatic), the set design is marvelous, Wilder's direction is fluent, and the lighting and camera movements are stately.
Aside from these concrete elements, the film also seduces the viewer into its own special world that is rather indescribable; if you don't believe me, bad luck and I wonder if you have seen it.

Last night we went to the musical version.
The music has been composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber another big name in musical world.(Jesus Christ superstar, phantom of the opera, cats, and Evita.)
Although musical is not really my thing as I am not that good at sitting still for a long time.
We were invited to come and see the show, we were allowed to use the foyer were the cast is having their break and the artist entrance.
My wife did not know anything about it and for her it was a big surprise.
The only thing she knew was that we were going out for diner and that her work schedule was changed.
(A lot of organizing for me behind the scenes, but that is the toll that you pay when you are a hopeless romantic like me.)


Norma Desmond (Simone Kleinsma) and Joe Gillis (Antonie Kamerling)
It is of course something special when you are being so close to the star players, not everybody gets this chance.
I really have to say we had a great night out and the musical is absolutely catching.
As my wife had no pre information about the story as she did not see the movie, or could pre read on internet about it.
Within 5 minutes you are being dragged into the story.


Betty Schaeffer (Maike Boerdam - Strobel)

Well let me give a short impression about the story:
In a passage that is pure Golden Age Hollywood, screenwriter Joe Gillis (Antonie Kamerling) escapes his shadowy creditors to the side of Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles where he unearths the crumbling mansion of the equally crumbling, self-proclaimed silent film "star" Norma Desmond (Simone Kleinsma/Pia Douwes).
However, her problem is that she hasn't come to accept the reality of her current situation, which manifests itself into the several misshapen aspects of her life: the "fan letters" she believes she receives (but which are actually sent by her butler Max, another has-been filmmaker, played by Peter de Smet), the general otherworldliness of her mansion, which seems to be fusing into the shrubbery that surrounds it, or the lack of locks on her vast doors as a safeguard for Max in the instance of a possible suicide attempt.
"I am big. It's the pictures that got small,"
While her personal corruption seems to be associated with her loss of fame and aging body, Gillis is on the opposite side of the spectrum.
He's a writer who has frequently been on the cusp of a big hit, but whose minor failures have progressively made him more and more cynical.
When asked by Norma to assist her in writing her script, he jumps at the opportunity, being well aware of the status she had reached as an actress.
Creepily however, Norma takes hold of Gillis, scrutinizing his every move, an action that eventually turns for the worst when Gillis begins a love affair with Betty Schaeffer an engaged script reader played by Maike Boerdam.
When ambition runs in Sunset Boulevard, self-absorption is not far behind.
Gillis seems to lose his identity, grabbing hold of the promise of money over a more worthwhile situation.


"The Butler" Max von Mayerling (Peter de Smet)

A very deep and sad story but I was absolutely impressed by the musical, so I like to applaud all of you.
A great piece of art made by all of you.
I am normally not that impressed by the Dutch translations of top songs but you could feel that it was performed with a lot of passion.
The original movie Sunset Boulevard is certainly one of the most handsome productions of the 50's, and Wilder's knack for weaving a complex psychological tale while also keeping his taboos close to mind is undeniable.

Anyway we had a great night out.

The Old Sailor,