The day that I nearly lost everything.
So here's the scenario. About a year ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and I did get the the Talk. The doctor in question gives a lot of these talks, and is determined that we shouldn't miss a single word. We are shown a figure with red dots for the trigger points, and she begins to describe what's happened, in mind-numbing detail. I mention that I'm a guy that learned some Latin and Medical terms had my interrest for a long time, and I knew about Rheumatic problems already quite a few things as I have been strawling through medical books and of course on the internet. We have to listen. To all of it. She is, she tells us, the expert, and no-one for miles around knows as much about Rheuma as she does (My doc at home does probably know nothing at all at least I share that opinion).
I kind of loose my temper a bit as I realize that I am stuck on this bloody sickness for the rest of my days, The doc ignores me and disappears for a short while. We might need her again in the future whispers my wife and I am ashamed of myself. Due to the fact that there will be not much progress in the coming year, I will definately lose my job and have less income. My boss is giving me notice and I can sense that this is difficult for both of us. I had so much fun doing this job but my body decided in a hard way that this was not going o work any longer. I hated myself for quite a while and had to get my feet back on the ground and suite myself with a new style of living. A slower and more balanced life would do myself good. I will compare to someone that is stuck in a body of an eighty years old man who has been working hard all his live but now his worn out body is holding him back due to pain all over. Accepting it is not that easy, the pain is something you learn to live with. My wife told me one day that no one is getting happier when I am complaining, I guess that she was right so I stopped doing that.
The doctor returns, I apologise very nicely (as I have been instructed by my wife), and we proceed. We are told again that we need to come back for some more tests on Monday. We are given some booklets to read ourselves and that was it. Totally devistated we leave the doctors room. All of a sudden some horrific pictures of the worst case scenario run through my brain (a man like me with what looks like a wheelchair and his head is hanging down on his chest; I'm still not sure what that was supposed to be).
In the time being at home, I worked myself back up to certain level and got back to work. I started a job to become a bus driver on a commuters bus for the summer season. If it would not work out with my body and brain, I could simply pull the plug as I am hired through a temps office. In the beginning it was hell as I had to stick a lot of information into my brain which was still foggy due to the amount of medication that I have been using to settle the pain level. I look at it as a drug user that becomes clean, that also takes a couple of weeks before the brain is clear again.
The money is coming back in although the amount is lower and deducted from my dole money of course. Our holiday? we can simply skip as I am hired for the summer season. Again I feel tears burning as I cannot spend money on my loved ones. That's ok, says she and my kids are fine with it, I still feel like that I am failing somehow. We cannot go on our holiday, maybe next year. Whe sat down one evening when I was still home, we decided to sell this beautiful house and buy something a bit smaller as cleaning and doing the garden became to much for me and for my wife it is too much too handle on her own. Certainly we like to get a reasonable price for it, but still it is not been sold. But what about the housing market after the recession banks do not dare to take any risks anymore. In the mean time we are still living here and although the garden is getting more and more a mess. I mow the lawn and my eldest daughter is helping me with it. The rest of the garden is not in a great condition. Ah, That's ok, because we can sell it for abit less and move on. Hmmm......sounds like my wife gave up on it too. We have seen a nice house on internet with enough space for all of us and with a suitable garden. We would get on a lower mortgage and we could save a few euros to go out for a long weekend. That would be at least long enough for me.
Well, at least we can sit at home and read...
The Old Sailor,