When the thrill has left your marriage

Dear Bloggers,

Let me make one thing clear straight away. I am in a relationship for 20 years with the same women. Although the love is still there it is not that sparkling anymore as in the beginning. A lot of couples around me experience the same thing and in several cases this has ended into a divorce. Or what I think is even worse that some of them will start a double life by having a girl- or boyfriend next to their spouse and kids.

I have been wondering about this issue as I don’t understand why these people are doing this, is it pure lust or is it because their love turned into something like hate? Why does this happen? Does it solve your problems or do you get into even more trouble if you try to find back the old spark? If I should believe what they are writing in articles about this. You will not find any men’s magazines about this issue. 

Generally speaking, magazine articles about how to improve your sex life, especially in marriage or a long-term relationship contain the same advice: candles, hot baths and soft music are often invoked. The question is why your partner loses interest in having sex with you.
That may be because these “better sex” stories are a pile of women’s magazines. I don’t know about you, but candles always make me think of church, baths are something my mother made me take, and soft music reminds me of going to the dentist. Definite all of them are turn-offs.

But how do you regain the passion in your relationship when you feel it's slipping away? Is it possible? Or when that train has left the station, is it too late to bring it back?
“A lot of people get to that point and have to decide what to do about it,” at least that is what I think. “Novelty is sexually interesting to most people -- not always to the point that they will act on it, but the idea has a little bit of a thrill to it, for men or women.”

In dealing with  my own marriage and we have been together for a while,more than twenty years. “Sometimes with a long-term partner, a person feels like they know every freckle on that other person’s body.”  The solution may lie in exploring the unfamiliar part though not necessarily.

“For some people, predictability is very exciting,” for example having sex on a Wednesday night for others this does not work at all. “You have to figure out if you’re a ‘surprise’ or ‘predictability’ person. If you’re a surprise person, asking your partner to surprise you is a good first step. If you’re a predictability person, and there is something predictably bad or neutral about your sexual experience, getting some changes in there can be a positive thing.”

Those same darn women’s magazines often offer intimacy as the tonic to save the foundering sex life. You’ve drifted apart, and that is where the logic goes. Take interest in his life, his work, his recreation, even if it’s watching retired athletes. Yelling at each other about which programme should be seen on TV. But there is a fine line between being cared for and being under stress.

“Sometimes too much closeness stifles desire,”  would I say.  We had less trouble in the days when I was sailing: “Separateness is a precondition for connection. When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not a lack of closeness but too much closeness that impedes desire." Don’t call each other ten times a day and don’t ask each other about every little thing. “These questions turn intimacy into surveillance.” And this is defenitly a killer for your relation.

Sometimes a man’s lack of desire is really about something else. “In those situations there is often something going on that is unexpressed or unknown. Most often, it comes down that lack of attraction stems from anger. Perhaps your anger is misplaced; perhaps you are angry at her because you are not attracted to her. You can get to the source of your anger and beyond in therapy. But getting down to getting down is the relationship equivalent of advanced physics.

“You have to be able to experience conflicting feelings, or difficult feelings,” I would call it  the rapprochement process. “If you are holding yourself back all the time, you don’t have to face what you might be feeling. But if you get close to her in bed and if you get aroused, there might be a lot of conflicting stuff that comes up in your head. You want to be with her, you want to make her happy......but on the other side you are angry with her.” To get past the anger, and on to the fun part, you have to be willing to let down your guard, and let love in.

There’s nothing wrong with candles and baths -- or, for that matter, lingerie and scented oils. Those are all stand-ins for the little signals most couples have. Most couples signals are subtler: being in bed and awake at the same time, reaching out to one another on a weekend morning, making some gesture.

You may pine for the days of spontaneity that you enjoyed when your relationship was young  making love at odd hours, in the least likely places, just because you felt like it. But if you have small children, and both having a career, and the usual laundry list of responsibilities, the chances of you spontaneously hooking up without some planning are about like the chance of your playing in the national soccer team, when you’re over 40. And white. It takes a little doing to have a passion in marriage.

There is nothing wrong with planning to have sex, is there? Thinking about it ahead of time might just get you in the mood, just as thinking about what you’re going to eat before you go to a good restaurant only whets the appetite. And don’t be so sure that you know that woman that you’re with. In her work there might be someone more atractive that is how it goes with long married couples, I have found out that I don’t always know what creates sexual arousal in my long-term partner.

I try and lay out my own idiosyncrasies -- what 'does it' for me or what did it for her when we were younger and at our first dates,” What I try to say is: “There is often a moment of revelation: ‘I always thought you liked that!’ Or, ‘I always thought you hated that!’ And it’s often based on something the other person said 20 years ago when you tried something once. So you closed off one portion of sexual experimentation or behavior because of one errant comment.”

A lot can happen in those intervening years. Isn’t it time you found out what’s going on beneath the surface? 
I did not find all the answers yet.

The Old Sailor,

That is my wish...

Dear Bloggers,

Sometimes there are moments in life where shivers run down your spine. This may be of emotion, love, fun moments on television because you're sick, happy or maybe sad or filled with grief. Outside these emotions or feelings, there are many other causes consisting of emotion and chills. When I look up to the sky, I see the beautiful white clouds floating and an airplane flies over with a leaving a beautiful white trail behind on its way towards the sun. Sitting at the computer at home I hear the music on the radio as an emotional tone makes my thoughts play.

Listening to Glennis Grace a great Dutch artist singing “Dat is mijn wens,” translated “That is my wish,”I remember most of the beautiful things in my life. The life which today includes also anxiety, panic, stress and aggression. My mind changed after I fell down the stairs some years ago and I never found the old me back. kicking people to death has become nearly normal in today's society, or shooting people for no reason as well.

It also became normal to insult others or abuse persons in a public job has become one of the most normal things in life. The word "respect" that everyone knows has become totally meaningless. You may try it but it seems to be an impossible task to correct people their behavior. People live in fear of "something might trigger them." And the only way to pay for it is my life. It is scandalous.

 

I think everyone who reads this, has a fun moment in his life and can bring forward something from his or her childhood. Moments from the highest classes of elementry school that you were at camp and you were dating and later saw that she was the cutest or ugliest girl or boy of the class. Children like my daughter Danique, who is dancing to music of K3, slip into the thought that they are playing outside going of the slide, and sleep under a blanket of Winnie the Pooh.

 

Often I wish applicable to the number Glennis Grace, that people could be that child again. Rather than the age, gaming or the leisure. But the variation of thoughts that children have, never have to worry and especially that they are having no real stress or feelings of anxiety or other "common evils". No they rather looking on the bright side of life.

Children are enjoying small things like a cup of tea, a glass of lemonade or a delicious candy. They can enjoy nature, that birds are singing, playing tag or hide and seek behind a thin tree where a parent is actually too thick for it. Nowadays the life about of care and concern. Take care of your immediate family, friends or other very important people in your life. Take care of your family, wife and / or child (ren). 

Of course sometimes it's just not easy, and of course "sometimes" something like that can take years. Life does not go hand in hand with everyday joy, love and romance. Sometimes years go by illness, accident or "it's not today" moment. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to people close to us or someone we should support in his mind as the sun doesn’t shine, but you rather see clouds, and that there are a lot of them that go past you.

Support people, help people or give people the help that they need. As relatives, friends or family grab each other's hand and go happily through this life. When we see children on the news or in the newspapers that carry a gun or tell them while playing tag their brother could be lost because he stepped on a mine, then I'm happy with my wife and daughters, so I doubly enjoy those little things that makes life in the Netherlands not that bad. 

Because what can beat the thought of walking arm in arm on the beach, under a sun that slowly goes down in the North Sea. My daughters running in front of us finding one after the other shell, that looks like a win for their collection! one family, one thought, one feeling to make a desirable family complete. That is my wish...........

The Old Sailor,

I had no idea asthma could be fatal.

Dear Bloggers, 

I let my thoughts go when I think up a worst case scenario as my wife is diagnosed with the final stage of Asthma. Something that was told at the doctors office a couple of weeks ago. 

Somehow it is waiting untill things go terribly wrong. I imagine it like this.
At 7.50am, my wife left for work in her car as usual, dropping off our youngest at the day care centre on he way. I had to start earlier and do my rounds with the bus.

She texted me: “Can you take care of diner today?”she tapped.

I phoned her back and we chatted about the plans for that evening. We ended the ­conversation as always by saying: “Love you.”

A couple of minutes later, she was dead.

She’d driven into the side of a lorry after suffering a fatal asthma attack.
For us the rest of the family of four, her death came as a bolt from the blue. Shocking are the  statistics as they show that one person dies from asthma every eight hours.

But a new review, that will investigate the cause of asthma deaths, is hoping to reduce that number to two or three every year so that cases like my wife’s will become few and far between.

The review will ask GPs and ­hospital doctors for information to identify factors leading up to an asthma death, including the ­medication a patient was taking and whether a patient had any attacks in the run-up to their death.

On the morning she dropped our daughter at day care, nothing was out of the ordinary.
“She’d taken her inhalers the night before and in the morning and she didn’t seem unwell,” just an other day. “It was only when her boss at the telecom firm where she worked called me to say that she hadn’t turned up! I really started to worry.

“I knew something terrible had happened because she was if it comes to work she’s ­always punctual. I had a broken shift and I went home during the break, worried sick hoping to find her in bed or something similair.

I rang the police to see if they knew of any accidents but they couldn’t tell me anything. Then, at 10.10am, two police officers turned up at the door.

“They told me there had been a road traffic accident involving my wife. The officers had taken their hats off and said they were really sorry. I knew then she was dead. 

It was like the whole world stopped. I went into ­automatic gear, phoning her workplace to let them know what had happened, then I went to the school to tell the children their mum was dead. It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

I never thought asthma would kill her.

She first developed the condition when he was 12 shortly after she went to another school it started being allergic to many things and she got some medication to stop it, when I met her she was 23 years old and her hands were a mess because she was reacting allergic to the Christmas tree. In Januari we bought a fake tree and I took her to her Phd. The evening before she had a severe Asthma attack and her lips turned blue due to the lack of oxygen. Her doctor was a bit hardheaded to admit that this would be asthma. So I pushed him verbally in a corner and he send us of to a specialist. A couple of weeks later she got a better life by having the right doses of medication.

 “We don’t know if this triggered her asthma but from then on she started to take Ventolin and Becotide inhalers,” the lungspecialist says.
As the years passed, She became increasingly prone to chest infections and I have to admit that after the breakdown after having our first child and several miscarriages, she began to smoke 15 cigarettes a day due to a lot of stress.

“She gave up for a while when we expected our second child and no I was not very supportive during those years but then she started smoking again. I was always nagging at her to take her inhalers when she was wheezy but she didn’t always listen.”

Her first wake-up call came in 2011 when she suffered a bout of pneumonia. She spent five days in bed where i still think she should have gone to the hospital. At the time she was taking a Ventolin inhaler and Seretide 250, a steroid preventer ­inhaler. Nothing really worked. After a Prednisolone treatment she recovered.

Her second bout came in February this year, when she had an attack of coughing syncope, a ­violent coughing ­episode which caused her to pass out.
A month later, she suffered a similar attack but this time he was behind the wheel of the car. It proved to be fatal.

“The postmortem showed a massive asthma attack, which means she probably passed out and drove into the lorry,” says the report. 
“She had all her inhalers with her in the car when she died.”

The lorry driver was totally blameless and it was an accidental death.

I am thinking back at our days that we met.  “It was a strange way to meet but we bumped into each other at the station and a few weeks later I took her out. We were both separated in a bad way in a former relationship. Eventhough I did not believe in love anymore after I was stood up again, creepy but after nearly five years of being single not wanting anything to do with women, I ­totally fell for her smile and a fair sense of humour.

“Asthma was always a problem for her and it did increasingly affect her day-to-day life. Simply running around with the children made her out of breath. But we thought her condition was under control and I still find it hard to believe that asthma could kill her.

 “Thank God we did many fun things together because we now treasure those memories if we would be losing her so unexpectedly. My point is even if your not that rich live life as best as you can. This is crucial and everyone must understand how deadly asthma can be.”

This story is just the freedom of my thoughs, It is still not too late for my wife as she is still around but this might be a realistic scenario. For her there might not be that many options left but it’s not too late for other asthma sufferers. 

“I want everyone to know that ­asthma can kill, because I didn’t know until it was told to me by a physician.

“I wish we’d known how deadly asthma can be because then, I would have made absolutely sure she took all her inhalers.” Here is a simple test: If you can breathe normal just put a straw in your mouth and try to breathe through it, don’t forget to block your nostrils as well. That is how many Asthma sufferers feel when they have an attack.

The Old Sailor,

Whaaaa......Im getting 45

Dear Bloggers,

I am becoming 45 years old in a few days and have seemingly done nothing with my life. I’ve got married put two daughters on this planet but I have a long trail of failed relationships and other kind of rocky roads behind me. Yes we do have children, but they did not come easy. 

I own a house but it is hardly sellable during the past three years it has been an economic crisis and the costs of it is on our neck further we own two at least 16 year old cars. I am a busdriver on a temps contract which means I am a  professional though but half of the time you are unemployed. Yet when I'm working, I don't consider it my career, but more of a means to an end. I have no real hobbies or passions of note.. except writing on my blogstories

I know its hard at our age to look back at what's been accomplished so far and feel any real satisfaction. That's why this time of our lives is titled "the Mid-life Crisis". I'm having one myself. BUT~ identifying what's happening is half the battle. Its what you do with what I term the "second half" of my life that matters. We now have enough experience to know right from wrong, what we are willing to put up with, and what constitutes a "deal breaker". We know what we like and why its important to be around people who love us for ourselves and not what they can get from us.

I may look longingly at the young people in their 20's and feel envious, but I have no idea how much I have it over them! I have a sense of self, a fully developed personality based on having lived through some pretty exciting and crazy times! I can remember what life was like before everything was at a person's finger tips and yet still unattainable as ever. before cell phones, personal computers, and the only thing I had to plug in to read a story, was a lamp. Have you ever found yourself trying to explain what a record was to a younger person? I tried once, .. I got as far as describing what it looked like, and they hopped up and said" OH, you mean like a laser disc, only made from black plastic??" oh boy.

I find alot of my peers are married or (more likely) divorced, some are on 2nd marriages, or just now raising teenagers, or younger. I have two lovely daughters in the age of nearly 14 and on of nearly 9 and they still need us in so many ways. Sooo.. I guess I'm saying that its not that I'm 45 so much, its that I'm 45 and I don't have very much in common with my age set. Do you ever feel this way?

 

I feel miserable and I am very frightened.....

What is coming next......

I can relate to a thing that was called the pogostick. I am nearly 45 (born in1968). I feel as if I am drifting or on downward spiral. For every superficial meaning you might find in a thing, there seems to be another angle that contradicts it, rendering the whole thing meaningless and value-free. I feel like I'm on an empty journey. I wonder sometimes am I just journeying, am I lazy?

Being frightened is not necessarily a sign that what you are doing is incorrect or wrong. It may also simply mean that what you are doing has uncertainty and potential dangers. I remind myself of that, anyhow, and try to let my emotions stem instead from what I am certain of and what I am actually doing with my days in order to reach a better place in my career and life. Focus on and be proud of actually running the race as hard and well as you can.

I am not going to say that I am sorry. I think that it needs to be sincere, like saying "I love you." However, I know how you feel, and I can say I relate to your emotional stress. I think that life is lived "backwards", "quickly", and "mechanically", It seems that it passes along mercilessly, and that causes us to have a regretful recollection of events that have come in and out of our lives. I will ask that you find your "niche" and go for it. "Fly your own flag," and to hell with what others think. The only person that should define the person that you are-is you! 

I'd like to reccommend the Old Sailor style. Well I stick to this phrase like always: “Live life as long it is there, pray for less fights, spend your last money on a drink and fuck if your life is depending on it.”
 

The Old Sailor,

The Crash...

Dear Bloggers,

In the last few years, one of my close friends has dealt with the untimely loss of a spouse. I'd like to share this story and what we all have learned about dealing with grief and moving forward at the appropriate time.

My friend was the one who died suddenly of a massive car crash at age 32, leaving a wife and 2 children from 14 and 8. He could not go with them as he needed to finish things at work and he would come later that evening. While he had been feeling poorly that morning he had no easy answers on this feeling, he urged his wife and children to go on a family holiday out of town because they should not loose any of this precious time. Crazy how life can turn around so sudden. When his wife and family returned quickly when they learned of his death and dealt with the funeral, the estate and all the implications of losing their husband and father. 

It would have been very different circumstances if he would have been seriously ill with a sickness, for example cancer then there is most of the time some time left to say goodbye. even though the loss of any wife and mother or husband and father is tragic. The death of a father and husband which was sudden, unexpected and laden with guilt for his dying alone. 

Whatever the circumstances, dealing with the death of a spouse has to be one of the most difficult and traumatic experiences of life. Based on the experiences of others and lots of research, here are some ideas and perspectives that might help.
Try to understand the stages of grief.

• Denial: "This can’t be happening to me."
• Anger: "Why is this happening? Who is to blame?"
• Bargaining: "Make this not happen, and in return I will ____."
• Depression: "I’m too sad to do anything."
• Acceptance: "I’m at peace with what is going to happen/has happened."

Everyone who loses someone close to them moves through these stages, usually in this order. As a husband or wife who loses a spouse to death confronts the profound feelings of loss, it can help to recognize in which stage you are operating and to know that there can be personal peace at the end of the grieving process.
Recognize that time tends to heal wounds. When we are in the midst of feelings of loss or grief, it can truly seem like the feelings will last forever. But time's passage has a way of healing these feelings. Keeping a sense of hope through the feelings of grief can help a mother or father who has lost his or her spouse make it through each day. 

Lean on your support system. Fortunately for my friends, there were exceptional support systems. They both had large families on both sides on whom they could lean. They had friends also from work who were helpful through the transition.  Big plus they had was the community of faith on whom they leaned emotionally and physically. The ones who find themselves alone after the death of a spouse need to allow others who are close to them into their inner circle of feelings. People who care about you want to help, and you are in a time when you need it perhaps the most. 

Express your feelings. Don't bottle up emotions of grief and sorrow. Sometimes societal expectations make men particularly want to be strong and stoic. Especially if you have children that are grieving with you, you may feel a need to be their "rock." But you will need some time to express your feelings, insecurities and loneliness. Talk to friends, seek counseling, write, cry  whatever the outlet will be, let the feelings be expressed. Repressing them only brings greater challenges later. 

Take care of yourself physically. It will be important for you to eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise. Avoid self-defeating behaviors like turning to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain. Just taking walks with a close friend or family member can make a world of difference in your mood. 

Take your time. Grieving works differently for different people. I cannot write a basic transcript for everyone as everyone experiences these emotions in his or her own way. Do not let others make you feel rushed to get on with your life or move ahead. Move at your pace. Don't make any major decisions that will have life-changing implications through the grief process. 

Today my friends are doing well and their life is moving forward. My friends wife is now back in the work force and busy raising her children. Not yet remarried and not really worried about it, she is again building a new life with new opportunities. All of them have worked through this important life transition, taking different approaches but main part is that it’s working. They gave me the permission on writing about their situation as others might learn something from it. I made the choice of not mentioning any names. I think that nobody gains anything here.

The most important thing for any grieving father or mother to remember is that through the grieving process, there is hope and that with time and effort, life can again be full of happiness and possibilities. All the roads you will take might look new, but most of them have been tried by someone. 

The Old Sailor,

Bullying is lethal my friends

Dear Bloggers, 

We hear and see the national news reports regarding bullying in schools, neighborhoods and communities. It's nothing new, the pundits promise action, and we feel a bit better that the problem is being addressed. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

The latest casualty? Anass Aouragh , a 13-year-old boy from Wassenaar. Teased relentlessly, his mentor, says there is now an empty space at school. What are the reasons for the perpetual taunting? His small size, his high IQ  there are no reasons given yet. Was he not able to deal with the verbal assaults and the sticks and paper dots that were thrown at him, or was it when they started making fun of him? Somewhere he reached the breaking point.

 
His parents, were worried about their son when he did not return home from an after school job bringing around advertising leaflets. Worry turned into frantic and desperate fear, and soon they organized a search party. The police send out an Amber Alert. Hours later, in the morning they found him, in the woods of Wassenaar. The image of the scene and their tortured agony is almost too much to bear. 
When are schools going to get it? Teaching the 3 R’s, reading, writing and arithmetic, is not enough. 

Tolerance, respect and common decency need to be addressed along with the basics, because unfortunately, this is often not taught at home. And not only that, teachers, principals and administrators need to be constantly in touch and vigilant about what's going on in the classroom and on the playground.
Bullying is a problem that is not going to go away on its own. How many more deaths have to occur before schools take this problem seriously and responsibly? 

Fleur Bloemen was another victim of what we never can understand. One of the kids said after she died: She never spoke about what she was going through.
This is very often the case. These kids are ashamed, embarrassed, shy, even afraid to speak up, which is why all school personnel must keep their ears and eyes open and be prepared to intervene. This is why all parents have to talk to their children about how to treat others, and must know what their kids are doing and who they're doing it with. It's called parenting.

This is not an isolated problem -- Fleur is just one of the latest examples. Last month it was Fleur, a  high school student, who took her own life with jumping in front of train. No longer able to withstand the taunting from a group at school, she permanently ended the verbal assaults the only way she knew how. The reason for the harassment? She was wished dead by fellow students and was taunted on prepschool. Again, this fun-loving youngster kept it all inside, not wanting to upset his family by the derogatory comments. And now she jumped and some of her fellow students saw it happen. 

Tim Ribberink, died 4 months ago in an apparent suicide. Authorities suspect the bullying he endured at school and at work played a role.Tim Ribberink....... was trying to escape the cruelty from his being a happy guy who was taunted being gay. After being punched, kicked and yelled at, he was victimized on social networks when his body was found at home his parents published a part of his farewll note in the advert in the local newspaper. The persons held responsible for this cannot be held responsible for this henious crime.

However, it is setting a precedent that the schools do have liability.
As I mention in 5 very important lessons from tragic bullying deaths, (1) Those struggling with their sexuality need to realize there are sources in every community to help; these kids are often targets (2) Parents must speak out. You must talk to your child about bullying and let them know it is wrong. Also, you must ask them often if they or anyone they know is being bullied. If so, you must report it immediately; (3) Teachers, administrators and school personnel have a duty to stop bullying on school grounds. There must be a zero tolerance policy. (4) Parents must teach their children acceptance and tolerance of others that are different, and that we all have gifts to share to make the world a better place. (5) Not only must bullies be held accountable -- their parents should be, as well.


Schools in the Netherlands are being offered the Kiva Method from Finland. KiVa is a research-based antibullying program that has been developed in the University of Turku, Finland, with funding from the Ministry of Education and Culture. The effectiveness of KiVa has been shown in a large randomized controlled trial. In Finland, KiVa is a sought-after program: 90 % of all comprehensive schools in the country are registered KiVa schools implementing the program.

KiVa has been evaluated in a large randomized controlled trial including 117 intervention schools and 117 control schools. The program has been shown to reduce both self- and peer-reported bullying and victimization significantly. It influences multiple form of victimization, including verbal, physical, and cyberbullying. In addition, positive effects on school liking, academic motivation and achievement have been reported. KiVa also reduces anxiety and depression and has a positive impact on students’ perception of their peer climate. A remarkable 98% of victims involved in discussions with the schools’ KiVa teams felt that their situation improved. Finally, Finnish data from more than 1000 schools that started the implementation of KiVa in fall 2009 showed that after the first year of implementation, both victimization and bullying had reduced significantly

.
It's too late to bring back any of these precious children, but hopefully their deaths will bring about change. If you can take one thing away, let it be this: Talk to your children. Listen to your children. If you do this, no telling what you'll learn. Talk, talk, talk, and keep those lines of communication open. Is someone bullying them? Are they bullying someone? And finally, do they know someone who is being bullied? Ask often and listen carefully.

All of them could have been alive today. Always remember that you can make a difference.

The Old Sailor,