What if it is .........

 

Dear Bloggers,

It's been a while since my last blog post, and it's been a turbulent few weeks.

For me, at least. Life isn't going the way I want it to, and that's causing some resistance. Nothing new, really, and it gives me another chance to dive into myself and discover what all this means to me. Things aren't going smoothly at work either, and to make matters worse, our trusty old Volvo broke down. Repairing it would be far to expensive, so we had to look for a replacement. Fortunately, I'm not a pessimist and I'm not in a hurry when it comes to buying a car.

 

Remember when I wrote about flow and designing beautiful journeys? Well, flow and budget are out the window, so that will have to wait. I also wrote about the exciting decision my partner made to change course. It's a little too exciting now that she's doing things independently again and going out in her own car.

I was recently studying Thai Chi on the net, a slow form of movement that feels like a kind of dance. A form of movement in which you should slowly sink into the resistance. Now I was in a position with only resistance, I wasn't sinking anywhere. And suddenly something popped into my brain. It was the following.

 I'm actually quite tired.

Tired of fighting with myself every day. Tired of working hard, doing my best to keep up with my surroundings. Tired of the expectations I place on myself. Tired of dreaming of financial freedom, a good pension, and wanting things to be different.

 

Writing this down and sharing it is a bit of a thing. Because hey, I was in a flow. I had planned wonderful trips for my wife and myself. The year didn't start off great, but we came up with some great projects and had plenty of new plans.

And now it's February and suddenly my world has come to a standstill. Okay, it just seems to be standing still. Everything is on hold. Everything has been sown and now we're waiting to see which plant will sprout first. And which plant won't. And no, that's not my favorite moment in the creative process.

Yesterday, I spoke to a friend who understood me and said he didn't want it anymore either. I'm just done with waiting and uncertainty. And after all my wanderings, I've finally settled down in a nice house for 15 years now and have a steady job, which gave me peace of mind.

 

And as tempting as that sounds, I know deep down that what I'm doing is right, at least for me. I've experienced wonderful things at work and at home over the past few months.

And when I travel to Australia or here in the Netherlands and stroll through the woods with my dogs and my wife, I feel so at home. So in tune. So right. And so I carry on.

And while I wait for better times, I write about these new creative creations. I discover how much fun it is to travel the world. Simply because it makes me happy and I can. Maybe it's precisely because I'm staying in the moment and experiencing what this whole process is doing to me.

 

The tax authorities haven't broken me. Although I do worry unconsciously and try to live consciously. And so I don't rush past the less pleasant things. That I finally feel what is there and that it's okay. I'm allowed to be tired. I'm allowed to be fed up. I'm allowed to just not know for a while. I don't have to go anywhere. Of course, my brain has very different ideas about this.

My brain hates not knowing. To admit that I am sometimes fed up. Horrible. And it looks for all kinds of excuses and maneuvers to get out of this situation. But it is what it is. And as long as I stay in the moment, there is actually nothing wrong. The unrest comes from all kinds of thoughts and beliefs that have little to do with where I am now.

 

Whether or not my trip goes ahead, deep down it doesn't matter at all. Deep down, nothing in me is changing. So my thoughts can think and fill in all kinds of things, but I don't have to attach any truth to them. So for now, it's unsettling. I accept it. It will remain turbulent for me for a while, but just as the flow was temporary, this is also temporary.

And in the meantime, I'm going to consciously enjoy spring, all those buds that are about to burst open again. And I'll see what blooms for me this summer. I wrote this blog last night, and when I went to bed, I felt happier and calmer. It's as if writing this down gave me a pat on the head. A kind of pat on the back. Come on, boy, it's okay.

The Old Sailor,