The Crash...

Dear Bloggers,

In the last few years, one of my close friends has dealt with the untimely loss of a spouse. I'd like to share this story and what we all have learned about dealing with grief and moving forward at the appropriate time.

My friend was the one who died suddenly of a massive car crash at age 32, leaving a wife and 2 children from 14 and 8. He could not go with them as he needed to finish things at work and he would come later that evening. While he had been feeling poorly that morning he had no easy answers on this feeling, he urged his wife and children to go on a family holiday out of town because they should not loose any of this precious time. Crazy how life can turn around so sudden. When his wife and family returned quickly when they learned of his death and dealt with the funeral, the estate and all the implications of losing their husband and father. 

It would have been very different circumstances if he would have been seriously ill with a sickness, for example cancer then there is most of the time some time left to say goodbye. even though the loss of any wife and mother or husband and father is tragic. The death of a father and husband which was sudden, unexpected and laden with guilt for his dying alone. 

Whatever the circumstances, dealing with the death of a spouse has to be one of the most difficult and traumatic experiences of life. Based on the experiences of others and lots of research, here are some ideas and perspectives that might help.
Try to understand the stages of grief.

• Denial: "This can’t be happening to me."
• Anger: "Why is this happening? Who is to blame?"
• Bargaining: "Make this not happen, and in return I will ____."
• Depression: "I’m too sad to do anything."
• Acceptance: "I’m at peace with what is going to happen/has happened."

Everyone who loses someone close to them moves through these stages, usually in this order. As a husband or wife who loses a spouse to death confronts the profound feelings of loss, it can help to recognize in which stage you are operating and to know that there can be personal peace at the end of the grieving process.
Recognize that time tends to heal wounds. When we are in the midst of feelings of loss or grief, it can truly seem like the feelings will last forever. But time's passage has a way of healing these feelings. Keeping a sense of hope through the feelings of grief can help a mother or father who has lost his or her spouse make it through each day. 

Lean on your support system. Fortunately for my friends, there were exceptional support systems. They both had large families on both sides on whom they could lean. They had friends also from work who were helpful through the transition.  Big plus they had was the community of faith on whom they leaned emotionally and physically. The ones who find themselves alone after the death of a spouse need to allow others who are close to them into their inner circle of feelings. People who care about you want to help, and you are in a time when you need it perhaps the most. 

Express your feelings. Don't bottle up emotions of grief and sorrow. Sometimes societal expectations make men particularly want to be strong and stoic. Especially if you have children that are grieving with you, you may feel a need to be their "rock." But you will need some time to express your feelings, insecurities and loneliness. Talk to friends, seek counseling, write, cry  whatever the outlet will be, let the feelings be expressed. Repressing them only brings greater challenges later. 

Take care of yourself physically. It will be important for you to eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise. Avoid self-defeating behaviors like turning to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain. Just taking walks with a close friend or family member can make a world of difference in your mood. 

Take your time. Grieving works differently for different people. I cannot write a basic transcript for everyone as everyone experiences these emotions in his or her own way. Do not let others make you feel rushed to get on with your life or move ahead. Move at your pace. Don't make any major decisions that will have life-changing implications through the grief process. 

Today my friends are doing well and their life is moving forward. My friends wife is now back in the work force and busy raising her children. Not yet remarried and not really worried about it, she is again building a new life with new opportunities. All of them have worked through this important life transition, taking different approaches but main part is that it’s working. They gave me the permission on writing about their situation as others might learn something from it. I made the choice of not mentioning any names. I think that nobody gains anything here.

The most important thing for any grieving father or mother to remember is that through the grieving process, there is hope and that with time and effort, life can again be full of happiness and possibilities. All the roads you will take might look new, but most of them have been tried by someone. 

The Old Sailor,

Bullying is lethal my friends

Dear Bloggers, 

We hear and see the national news reports regarding bullying in schools, neighborhoods and communities. It's nothing new, the pundits promise action, and we feel a bit better that the problem is being addressed. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

The latest casualty? Anass Aouragh , a 13-year-old boy from Wassenaar. Teased relentlessly, his mentor, says there is now an empty space at school. What are the reasons for the perpetual taunting? His small size, his high IQ  there are no reasons given yet. Was he not able to deal with the verbal assaults and the sticks and paper dots that were thrown at him, or was it when they started making fun of him? Somewhere he reached the breaking point.

 
His parents, were worried about their son when he did not return home from an after school job bringing around advertising leaflets. Worry turned into frantic and desperate fear, and soon they organized a search party. The police send out an Amber Alert. Hours later, in the morning they found him, in the woods of Wassenaar. The image of the scene and their tortured agony is almost too much to bear. 
When are schools going to get it? Teaching the 3 R’s, reading, writing and arithmetic, is not enough. 

Tolerance, respect and common decency need to be addressed along with the basics, because unfortunately, this is often not taught at home. And not only that, teachers, principals and administrators need to be constantly in touch and vigilant about what's going on in the classroom and on the playground.
Bullying is a problem that is not going to go away on its own. How many more deaths have to occur before schools take this problem seriously and responsibly? 

Fleur Bloemen was another victim of what we never can understand. One of the kids said after she died: She never spoke about what she was going through.
This is very often the case. These kids are ashamed, embarrassed, shy, even afraid to speak up, which is why all school personnel must keep their ears and eyes open and be prepared to intervene. This is why all parents have to talk to their children about how to treat others, and must know what their kids are doing and who they're doing it with. It's called parenting.

This is not an isolated problem -- Fleur is just one of the latest examples. Last month it was Fleur, a  high school student, who took her own life with jumping in front of train. No longer able to withstand the taunting from a group at school, she permanently ended the verbal assaults the only way she knew how. The reason for the harassment? She was wished dead by fellow students and was taunted on prepschool. Again, this fun-loving youngster kept it all inside, not wanting to upset his family by the derogatory comments. And now she jumped and some of her fellow students saw it happen. 

Tim Ribberink, died 4 months ago in an apparent suicide. Authorities suspect the bullying he endured at school and at work played a role.Tim Ribberink....... was trying to escape the cruelty from his being a happy guy who was taunted being gay. After being punched, kicked and yelled at, he was victimized on social networks when his body was found at home his parents published a part of his farewll note in the advert in the local newspaper. The persons held responsible for this cannot be held responsible for this henious crime.

However, it is setting a precedent that the schools do have liability.
As I mention in 5 very important lessons from tragic bullying deaths, (1) Those struggling with their sexuality need to realize there are sources in every community to help; these kids are often targets (2) Parents must speak out. You must talk to your child about bullying and let them know it is wrong. Also, you must ask them often if they or anyone they know is being bullied. If so, you must report it immediately; (3) Teachers, administrators and school personnel have a duty to stop bullying on school grounds. There must be a zero tolerance policy. (4) Parents must teach their children acceptance and tolerance of others that are different, and that we all have gifts to share to make the world a better place. (5) Not only must bullies be held accountable -- their parents should be, as well.


Schools in the Netherlands are being offered the Kiva Method from Finland. KiVa is a research-based antibullying program that has been developed in the University of Turku, Finland, with funding from the Ministry of Education and Culture. The effectiveness of KiVa has been shown in a large randomized controlled trial. In Finland, KiVa is a sought-after program: 90 % of all comprehensive schools in the country are registered KiVa schools implementing the program.

KiVa has been evaluated in a large randomized controlled trial including 117 intervention schools and 117 control schools. The program has been shown to reduce both self- and peer-reported bullying and victimization significantly. It influences multiple form of victimization, including verbal, physical, and cyberbullying. In addition, positive effects on school liking, academic motivation and achievement have been reported. KiVa also reduces anxiety and depression and has a positive impact on students’ perception of their peer climate. A remarkable 98% of victims involved in discussions with the schools’ KiVa teams felt that their situation improved. Finally, Finnish data from more than 1000 schools that started the implementation of KiVa in fall 2009 showed that after the first year of implementation, both victimization and bullying had reduced significantly

.
It's too late to bring back any of these precious children, but hopefully their deaths will bring about change. If you can take one thing away, let it be this: Talk to your children. Listen to your children. If you do this, no telling what you'll learn. Talk, talk, talk, and keep those lines of communication open. Is someone bullying them? Are they bullying someone? And finally, do they know someone who is being bullied? Ask often and listen carefully.

All of them could have been alive today. Always remember that you can make a difference.

The Old Sailor,

Being expelled from school

Dear Bloggers,

A strange situation has occurred at our community, at the elementary school. A 10 year old boy was placed on our school as has former elementary school could not handle him anymore. Due to their incompetent attitude towards the child and the other parents, the situation has been dragging on for years. These parents have been saddled up with a strange situation as all of a sudden their 10 year old son was expelled from our school. It was not the school that send him off but the school board committee made this sudden  decision. Somehow in the back of my head something tells me there must have been some kind of  complaints to remove a child from a school with no further notice. He is big bloke for his age but needs a lot of attention. Yes, he is quite a handful although you simply handle him with bare structures and a straight follow up of things he needs to do. Probably some children have been scared of his massive being and complaint at home. They possibly have been ringing some bells at the address of Primo. I anyway think that the Dutch education system is not capable to handle these kind of kids. So let us say that we need to call attention to the more than 16,000 children who are officially truants, from their position that they themselves sit at home because their gifted with some kind of an attention disorder and there is no suitable school for them. Let me give you some facts that I could find

Yeah, it's like that the Minister of Education, Culture and Science (Ms Bussemaker) itself indicates over 16,000. And there are even more than for the previous school year 1600 more than in the 2011-2012 school year.

The numbers given by the minister herself :

I took the data in their house letter of  2010-2011 2009-2010

1. Absolute failure 8098 6878

Returned to school 4297 3599

2. Number of truants

A) start school 2296 2269

B) increase during

the school year 3140 2913

C) returned to school 3281 2414

3. Number of exemptions 3107 2964

Total according to definition 16 641 15 024 absolute failure, truants and exemption

 

With the term "truants" means the Minister pupils who should be enrolled in a school, but more than 4 weeks at home. For these students, the school is responsible. With "absolute failure" means the Minister school children / youth who are not enrolled in one (or not funded with) education. These children / young people do not go to school.

When both data are added leads to a group of 13,534 students in the 2010-2011 school year unjustified was not enrolled in school (absolute failure), or it was registered but longer than 4 weeks sat at home without a valid reason.

In the 2009-2010 school year was about 12,060 students.

If the number of exemptions here to be added, resulting in 2009-2010 a number of 15 024 and 16 641 students in 2010-2011. (This does not take into account the number of students in the course of the school year is returned to teaching.)

For exemptions talks about children who do not go to school because they need here are exempt. These children are officially not appropriate for school. This group as a newcomer many gifted children .

If you look at the background of the home are you come out on :

a third are gifted children

a third (potential) children with a so called backpack (for disability and behavioral)

a third adolescents (crime, drugs, alcohol problems in the child or the parents, problems at home)

For about 8,500 of the children covered by absolute failure, you can argue that there is accounting deregistration due to act embarrassment of the school, or school do not know what they should do for these children. School helps them not at a school that knows and can do. The responsibility lies with the Minister but the parents and according to her, the compulsory here required action.

However, if you for example look at the situation of this family the guys of  Primo Opsterland, the school board committee would like to send him to special school in Leeuwarden. According to the psychological welfare reports this would be a too long trip for the young bloke as he has trouble to sit still for such a long time and in half a years time there is space at a school nearby. The school board committee had no intention to listen to the parents as they already had made their choices and expelled him straight away. There answer was “we already started the procedure.” But you can not conclude that the parents have not gigantic done their best for their child to stay at school as the previous school had totally failed to handle him. Their son is now at home without any form of education, although our  school is bringing him some homework. When he was still enrolled in school, it was denied access a number of lessons. The school still feels obliged to give him some sort of an education and he will not get too far behind with his learning skills. Their son was removed from the previous school because of the embarrassment operation of the school.

The defense of the school board committee came down that she felt she had done enough by finding a school in Leeuwarden for further education by referring to a education providing for pupils with severe behavioral problems and to system for learning support.

The parents have as far as I understand rightly refused because there was no questions asked if their child is able to travel that far due to his impulsive kind of a behavior. They also indicated that the trip to Leeuwarden was not an option, because their boy is gifted therefor he is quickly bored and having ADHD makes him a person that runs all day in the fifth gear. In response, the school board committee says that the school system that gives education in the Netherlands simply is not set to the supervision of students as their son.

And now comes the curve: the school states that education in the Netherlands ( Not talking about the expensive private education which is also possible.) simply is not set to the accompaniment of these children and therefore, the attendance officer says that the parents are saddled up with their child sitting at home. Do you get it yet? I do not. Unfortunately I do not  know more families where there is a similar situation: school failure and the responsibility of this failure is on the school board committee.

The result of all this: they are awaiting a lawsuit as their child needs the special education.

There is an impasse. The parents say that there is no school at the moment for the boy, but I think he really can go anywhere. With a supervision order, I would love to help my family to  to find a suitable school. 

Can someone explain to me why the appointment of a appropriate school can be turned by the school board committee and make that the school is indicating action to be taken to get him some extra help? In this: during the time he was educated here at school. A prerequisite for this school is that the lessons are not followed within the regular borders you should just give him some other way of education. His learning skills are not the problem but his way of running through life in the fast lane is.
 
Sitting at home is not fun: you lose your friends and rhythm of life. You feel being left out, put aside. "I lack something. In addition, the children in a learning. Parents who have sufficient money can still choose the option private education. This option is not for most parents.

 
What should actually happen:

At work I see a lot of children who have learning difficulties and now successfully remain standing in the school system. Well, I see clear difference in children where the school their supports in the other approach were I talked about. I see the children at the elementary or secondary education already have grown in their learning, behavior and attitude. They can and want, sometimes only insight and tools needed for their learning and behavior. Come on guys of the school board committee it is not that hard, you are not only hired to earn your salaries by doing nothing else then to decide for others.

 
The Minister indicated that the national budget is based on enrolled students. The number of students not enrolled has no surplus in the national budget result she says. However, there is a certain number of students per school year. Are the files of the absolute homesitters from the bag of the minister as they count on the National Budget? The government holds 80 million per year to the children that "absolute truants are. Indeed they are not enrolled in school. For the relative truants (or enrolled in a school, not present) is also true: school receives money, making no charge for this home seated child. That money was supposed to be created in a fund should be stopped and should be used for re-integration of truants and to eliminate the learning deficiencies. The Education Inspectorate can see to it that this is done correctly and ensure that schools really pulled out all the stops to make sure that they take responsibility. Aloud the question: why is this child taken away from school. Schools are being hindered by the October 1 Control: For later onset former truants get a school no money. Schools also do a selective intake.

I heard that the kid and his parents are still supporting the teachers of the school as they do not blame them for failing but the system. I only wonder why the school board committee came to the idea that he needed to resign at this point: why is this child taken away from school or why this child should not come to our school anymore it makes me sick to my stomach and they possibly need to go to court to sue this school board committee for this ridiculous decision.

I would say hoist the sails and get started!

The Children's Ombudsman might be something helpful just have a look at the website http://www.dekinderombudsman.nl 

Parents, teachers, school counselors and other professionals who have experience with a child (temporarily) not attending school are invited to report. Children's Ombudsman Marc Dullaert uses the reports for his research on access to education in the Netherlands.

The Old Sailor,

 

Do we make our kids ready for a burn out?

Dear Bloggers,

It’s the first full weeks back to school after the start of 2013 has begun, the winter is starting to wane, Spring is slowly moving forward and the madness has begun. Along with the homework and school responsibilities comes the extra-curricular activities galore: Jazz dance, Judo, learning to play a keyboard, gymnastics, swimming, Girl Scouts, and singing with the school choir and more. If you’re a car driving dad (or even if you’re not!) chances are you’re shuttling your kids around to one or more of these activities every afternoon. But while there’s nothing wrong with clubs, sports and the like, some experts say we may be burning our kids out too young as they fall into the “busy trap” just like their folks. Are they right?

Recently a health organisation polled more than 800 boys and girls between the ages of  9 and 13. A whopping 90 percent of these kids admitted they were stressed because they were too busy. Another study found that kids’ free time has dropped by 12 percent in the past two decades, that playtime is down three hours a week, and that unstructured outdoor activities like hiking are down 50 percent. With kids being whisked from one activity to the next every day, experts say many of them have little time for homework, a healthy dinner or even a good nights’ sleep. Hmmm.....is it me or are we becoming bad parents?

I believe that this generation’s kids have become too busy with organized activities to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. When we were growing up and we were kicked outside to play, we went from house to house ringing doorbells and going too local sports clubs on a bicycle. Now kids are being driven from activity to activity and the kids next door aren’t around to play because they’re off at gymnastics or starting soccer leagues.”

Is this “busy trap” just a Dutch thing? No it is much wider an more complicated, according to me. “I think it’s good to be involved in activities, but I think it’s really important to get the balance right. Children like their own company. They lose the capability to amuse themselves if everything is put in front of them in an organized, structured club type of way. Long gone, it seems, are those times when a whole weekend ahead with nothing planned was seen as a luxury and a perfect opportunity to spend time together and share those valuable and irreplaceable moments of childhood. Parents used to go to the local pool and teach their children how to swim. ... Now they enroll them in a club where someone else teaches them.” Yes, guilty we did the same.

As a father of two, I know the “busy trap” all too well. I believe part of the reason we keep our kids so busy today is because there are simply so many choices. As my friend pointed out, back in the day, we signed up for whatever cheap recreational program was offered in our little village and called it good. There were no fancy club teams or gymnastics club or dancing studios promising Olympic gold medals if participants worked hard enough. My brother played a little soccer, and I took horse back riding lessons and later on I took fitness classes. That was it. In our (ample!) spare time, we waded in a drainage ditch behind our backyard and came home happy and covered in mud.

But I understand “those days” are long gone. Because the world is not as safe as we’d like it to be, we can’t let our children simply roam the neighborhood until it gets dark. And because many of us live in what I like to call the concrete jungle, we don’t have backyards with trees to climb and dirt to rub our feet in. This leaves children often stuck inside, left to play video games or watch too much TV.

But experts say this “busy trap” goes beyond just wanting our kids to succeed. Some argue that parents live vicariously through their children. If their son or daughter is involved in six different sports, they are important and successful, along with their children. Others say we simply don’t want to be left out. If we discover our friends’ kids have signed up for hockey, we might just find a way to squeeze it in between soccer practices, just so our child doesn’t miss out on gaining yet another skill. Is this unhealthy behavior?

Not always, extra-curricular activities can help our kids gain self esteem, help them set goals, and encourage teamwork, time management, physical development and relationships. These are all life skills kids can take with them into the workplace and beyond someday. Nevertheless, i would say, kids should stick to something they truly enjoy and feel good about.

As for me, I choose to keep it simple: Both of my kids jazz dance, making me a bonafide jazz dance dad. I have made the choice for our family to stick with our local club for now. There will always be a time for more, but I want my kids to have time to ride their bikes around the block, play at the park and maybe sneak in an ice cream cone after dinner.

Moms and dads what do you think? How many activities are too many? Have we made our kids too busy these days, depriving them of them of a relaxed childhood? Or do you think it’s healthy to keep our kids on the go? What do you think?

The Old Sailor,