My daughters are dancers

Dear Bloggers,

For the last two months I’ve been spending my Monday afternoons at my daughter’s dance recital. For most dads, this is brutal – enduring hours of 8-year-olds in skirts, hundreds of twirls, jumps and gyrations. In my case I was particularly apprehensive because given today’s hip-hop society, I would have to endure hours of noise accented with either profane language or bleeps.

The recitals were a showcase in good music, with kids dancing to the music of Die Twa with the song Fûgels (Frisian song from two guys called those two who were actually there and sang this beautiful song.) My youngest daughter performed on K3 with Lollipopland, furthermore there was the song from the Rednex, called the spirit of the hawk I was impressed by the musical knowledge of these 10 year olds, Identity from the Robot Boys and the Drill was performed by the girls that are in their adolescent years and struggle with being in between girl and woman identity, 

my eldest daughter danced on Vanessa Mae’s Ragas Dance and the adults group danced (Im)perfection from Byon Kay and Ori Lavi and of course the surprise act that was performed by some of the first dancers who did an act from the Lion King. There were throwbacks to the top artist in the Netherlands Marco Borsato with Droom, durf ,doe en deel, the DJ kept the atmosphere right with playing Triggerfinger, Michel Teló and Ed Sheeran.

They even dipped into the obscure, when the gymnastics used the song Anthoon aus Tirol (obscure to 75 percent of the population, at least as it links to the drunk behavior in the ski resorts and the Tiroler soft porn from the 70’s). I heard a few hip-hop songs but I enjoyed almost every performance.

There were even a few artists that I had never heard of like Byon Kay and Ori Lavi and the Robot Boys and the Drill. And how Marco Borsato’s “Droom, durf, doe en deel” had eluded me all this time is embarrassing. I have some work to do.

Oh yeah. The dancing was pretty darn good. Am I officially a dance dad?

Last week my two girls performed in their annual dance recital. Aside from a dislike of some musical choices – coupled with the fear that one of my daughters would be dancing on them – I actually enjoyed the performances. There is usually very little hip-hop, and at times, a am awarded with discovery of some unknown music.

And oh yeah. The dancing’s good too.

This year was a tribute to the dance teacher Miss Marjanne who is with giving dance classes, the kids feel it like a little bit of losing her. (that still sounds weird, doesn’t it?). And it was a musical retrospective of her life – from “The Lion King” through her time with the dancers from then and now. 

It was all there, it really gave me some goosebumps when they all were culminating and the entire groups were participating in the now for whoever has seen it, the iconic “final” dance. As every dancer had written down the memories about the dance teacher their voices were recorded on the music and one by one they danced away from the stage. When I heard my eldest daughter speak and saw her dance, I could not hold my emotions back and cried a few tears. It was overwhelming and astonishing there was a real love glow.

A family friend brought her 8-year-old son to the recital. He came just to hear the music and was exited by almost every song as he knows of course my daughters, he was watching with an open mouth their performances. And that’s when I realized that music that continues to transcend generation. Granted, most of the music that the younger kids enjoyed was from K3 as they all grew up with it. That makes my job of exposing them to good music so much easier.

The dance groups perform at competitions throughout the year, so those performances were also included in the recital.

In a time where it would be too easy to resort to the latest hip-hop flavor or Ke$ha single, it’s refreshing to see creativity and melody taking center stage. And it warms my heart to think that some young people are being exposed to this at the local dance studio.

The Old Sailor,

Old Sailor and Poetry

Dear Bloggers,

This time I write about some poems that grabbed me by the throath. When you can read between the lines a lot of things might be pretty simple if you would use these words as a guideline. First of all there is the poem of Max Ehrmann called  Desiderata. This time most of the words have been already been written by people that had their great moments already in live. In that way I am just a simple blogger. Who is writing stories just for his own fun being misunderstood by his spouse as I am spending too much time behind the Laptop according to her.

Whatever the history of Desiderata, the Ehrmann's prose is inspirational, and offers a simple positive credo for life.

desiderata - by max ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

Desiderata is Latin and means 'things that are yearned for', which in the context of the poem more closely means 'essential things'.

This poem Desiderata is a bit old school but I think it is stil brilliant, more from our time is the article Wear Sunscreen by Mary Schmich I think it is absolutely material for our new generations.

Maybe the song of Baz Luhrmann might be something if you are not much of a reader. Everybody is free to wear sunscreen

Wear Sunscreen by Mary Schmich

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

 

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

 

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

 

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

 

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

These two people are real word artists and I can only wish that my readers can do something with it or write a comment with a poem that might be even better.

The Old Sailor,

Do you still have a sexlife

Dear Bloggers,

 

First of all I have to say sorry that I have not been much of a writer lately. I can make up a hundred excuses but no one cares I guess. Let my think what was I planning to write about this time. Oh .....it was something we discussed about on a Saturday evening when I was at work having my break in the cafeteria. Most of my collegues are over fifty and you can guess what the conversation is about if you have only men present. Surprisingly some guys are very talkative and some of them were admitting that their sexlife was not that brilliant anymore. Some had lost the feeling as the beauty had faded and sex was not that much pleasure due to nagging about pain, headaches and what ever was on her mind. Others had trouble to get something straight due to medication or not being interested in their partner anymore.

It really got my mind going about this matter and I thought I am happy for a while when I get lucky. If I compare things to approx fifteen years ago my sexlive became more boring as well. As some couples from my age still shag their brains out. Whenever it is possible or whenever one of them is arroused. It makes me wonder: Why do some couples sizzle while others fizzle? Social scientists are studying no-sex marriages for clues about what can go wrong in relationships.

Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, a little more than once a week, according to data collected from the General Social Survey, which has tracked the social behaviors since 1972. But there are wide variations in that number. Married people under 30 have sex about 111 times a year. And it’s estimated that about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year. (Scary but based on reality.)

I recently asked myself the following questions as I wandered about how much researchers really understand about no-sex marriages. I came to this subject as my spouse was forbidden to have sex due to the heavy antibiotics she was getting to shut down her nasty pneumonia. To me sex is a great thing as it clears both my body and mind. In that matter I do not understand much of the woman’s way of thinking. Hmmmm.......am I an addict or just a healthy bloke? But at this moment it is very quiet between the sheets. (Damn I feel old at the moment.) Here’s my mind setting.

Is there any indication that the sexless marriage is becoming more common? Or are we just hearing about it more

I suspect that we just hear more about it. Back in the days before reliable birth control, having a sexless marriage was one way of limiting family size. Those were also the days when women were not supposed to enjoy sex and often used it as a bargaining tool in their marriages (because they were socialized to do so). Plus, unhappy couples (who are less likely to have sex) were more likely to stay together because of social expectations, or because they had children they were raising.

Why does a marriage become sexless? Does it start that way? Or does sex fade?

The answer to that one is both. Some of the people in the survey never had much sex from the beginning, while others identified a particular time or event (childbirth, affair) after which sex slowed or stopped. Some people become accustomed to their spouse, bored even, and sex slows. For others, it is the demands of raising a family, establishing a career, and mid-adulthood. And there are people who have very low sex drives, and may even be asexual. They may have some sex with their partners to begin with, but it becomes unimportant to them (and usually not so unimportant to their spouses). These folks may also be dealing with guilt, issues with the human body, or feel that sex is “dirty” or only for procreation. A small number of couples showed a mixed pattern, where they would have periods of “feast” and of “famine.”

Are couples in sexless marriages less happy than couples having sex?

Generally, yes. There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being. But keep in mind that sex is only one form of intimacy, and that some couples are fairly happy (and intimate) even without sex. I did find that people in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active marriages. There is no ideal level of sexual activity — the ideal level is what both partners are happy with — and when one (or both) are unhappy, then you can have marital problems.

Can people in a marriage that has become sexless rekindle their sex lives?

Some do. But once a marriage has been sexless for a long time, it’s very hard. One or both may be extremely afraid of hurt or rejection, or just entirely apathetic to their partner. They may not have been communicating about sex for a very long time (if ever) and have trouble talking about it. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages, but it’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication. Probably sounds familiar to some of you that are afraid that their kids might walk into the bedroom during the bedroom game

There are mixed opinions about what to do to rekindle marital sex. For some couples, it may be as simple as a weekend away from the kids, taking a vacation or cruise, or just having some time off, alone. Others may need help in re-establishing communication and may seek professional assistance. The sad fact is that there are few counseling professionals that deal with this issue. Often, marriage counselors focus on other aspects, rather than sex. While these other aspects may play a big role in sexual inactivity, talking explicitly about sex is essential.

Are people in sexless marriages more likely to get divorced?

People in sexless marriages report that they are more likely to have considered divorce, and that they are less happy in their marriages.

Some of our former respondents have kept in touch with me, and the happiest ones are actually those that have moved on to other partners. It may be that lack of sex is a signal that all intimacy in a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations. I know that this may not be a popular idea with the religious and political right, but it may be a better solution than staying in a marriage that is hurtful and unfulfilling.

In sum, these situations are just so complicated. Each couple has to examine their specific histories, their motivations and goals, and whether it is worth it to them to work on putting sex back in the marriage. It can be a difficult task and require that people take emotional and physical steps that aren’t comfortable for them.

What else are you trying to learn about sexless marriages?

I’m hoping to begin to understand what I am doing wrong in my own situation this time, to try and understand better the processes that others experience, how they make decisions, and how these decisions affect their future happiness. Ultimately, I’d like to know how those who were able to repair their sexual relationships did so. Maybe we can still live happier and until the end being together, and why is it so important to us.

The Old Sailor,

Bus kills young woman cyclist

Dear Bloggers,

It may be a horrible coincidence but the situation with the Bus Companies around the North of the Netherlands has been a mess for many months now - "an accident waiting to happen" as one of the news sites flashed yesterday - and on Wednesday a 12-year-old girl on her bicycle was crushed by a bus and died of her injuries, her friend also got hit and was rushed to the hospital.

This was the headline on one of the news sites that I follow when I hear or read something about an accident, this one happened on on of the routes that we drive as well. The major roads are crossing here on a T-junction and the surrounding area has no narrowed corners so it is easy to overlook the road in all directions the road is divided at the junction in two single lanes where buses, taxis, cars are all jostling for, at best, snail's pace progress and tempers get frayed. Cyclists and pedestrians have their own lanes but need to cross this busy road. Somehow this crossing is dangerous as during rush hour it is hard to cross the road. And if it is raining you want to get home if you are on a push bike. Question to me still is: “How could they have missed eachother.”  I think over what has happened this really is drives me crazy. She must have taken a huge risk or the driver has been either blind or driving too fast. Whatever will be the outcome of this accident several peoples lives have been destroyed Wednesday.

Our own correspondent the Old Sailor had a discussion with some collegues about cyclists in the city. About how many times it ends up in a near hit and why do people underestimate the risks by just hoping that the motorised driver will hit the brakes. That was only telling us, ironically on Wednesday, what a nightmare cycling youngsters on the streets of Groningen can be, it is a hazardous environment with busses, trucks cars,mopeds and taxis. Knowing the risks and the dangerous corners I rented a push bike and cruised through the heart of Groningen to find out why people overestimate themselves. In this case I have first hand experience from a recent trip through the capital on a push bike.

The police says, "Individual fatalities are very distressing but it is not possible to see any trend with such a small number. Casualty stats never make sense in a single accident (but) is this not a total different issue. Even before (this cyclist) was killed there were complaints from all sides about the safety of cyclist and pedestrians in the city. The media has been very quick to say all the blame should be put on the driver. Accussing him of speeding and he probably overlooked the girls. (It looks like it is the other way around that the girls have missed the bus in this case.

They are “bad” news in my opinion eventhough all the good things they are publishing, but there seems to have been a failure of organisation between the different arms in this horrible drama." As they all want to be the first one with the breaking news whitout checking the facts.

A spokesperson on the local news said, “We were very saddened to hear that a young cyclist died following a collision with an on route bus on this street on 25 April. Our thoughts and sympathies are with her family and friends at this time. We will work with the police and the bus operating company, to fully investigate the incident.

She continued, “Accidents such as this one on Wednesday are rare. In the past four years, three cyclists have been killed following a collision with a bus on Groningen’s roads, despite the fact that around half a million cycle journeys and a million bus journeys are made on these roads every year. Nevertheless, we take every such accident very seriously and work with the bus operating companies to ensure bus drivers are trained in how to share road space with cyclists.”

The spokesperson concludes, "Since 2000, there has been a 21% fall in the number of cyclists killed or seriously injured on our roads, compared to the mid to late 1990s. At the same time, there has been a 107% increase in the number of cycle journeys made on Groningen’s roads in the past decade. The safety of cyclists is a huge priority for both the Mayor and the transport companies and we are committed to making cycling as safe as possible.

Still every incident is one too many who-ever might be guilty in this case there are only losers in this case. Even when it might not the drivers fault he needs to live with the fact that you have killed someone and you have disrupted so many others lives. Live is bitch that is for sure.

The Old Sailor,

The Pneumonia

Dear Bloggers,

Everyone's been sick from time to time, and by definition, it's never fun. No matter what you enjoy doing, illness invariably dampens -- or in many cases entirely eliminates -- the potential for good times. Of course, not all illnesses are created equal; some will interrupt your life a lot more than others, which is why I'm here today to tell you about my wife who had a recent bout of influenza that turned into full-blown pneumonia.

You Can Die From This. Yes, You Can.
Let's get the scary and dramatic part out of the way first. Anyone who gets pneumonia and either a) doesn't recognize what they have or b) chooses not to have it treated, can die. If you think that pneumonia can only kill the very young and very old, you're mostly right. However, if you don't seek treatment and follow your doctor's orders, you can be one of the people who have the prime of their life cut short unnecessarily. While medical science has come a long way, and conditions like pneumonia are very treatable in most cases, you need to take it seriously.

You Can't Fight What You Don't Know You Have
This is her second bout of pneumonia; the last one was about ten years ago, in April 2002. The first time she got it, I thought it was strange that the cold she had was seemingly getting worse and worse. She couldn't seem to shake it. She was also very fatigued, and would start running out of breath easily. Than I thought it is probably her asthma that is troubling her. Now I know better. The final straw that caused her to go into the doctor's office was a strange sound when she would take a deep breath. It sounded as if there was tissue paper in her chest that was crinkling, especially at the end of an exhalation. It also hurt quite a bit when she needed to cough. She did not, by the way, have a high fever that time, nor was she coughing up stuff. But the breathing sounds and the pains were pretty disturbing.

Diagnosing and Treating Pneumonia
The medical people are pretty good at diagnosing pneumonia these days. First they check your usual vital signs. Then they use a stethoscope and listen to your chest while you breathe.First of all they will give you a treatment with some antibiotics and you should be back on your feet in a week. If not you should go and see  the doctor again. If it seems to be a bacterial pneumonia which is likely, they give you a chest x-ray. Pneumonia is easy to see; there will be an area of the x-ray of your lungs that shows the infection.

In this case, She'd acquired influenza type a (aka, the flu) probably from a co worker a few days earlier. (Most likely scenario.) When you get the flu, one of the problems (in addition to the miserable fever and aching body) is that your immune system goes to hell, leaving you susceptible to other problems. This time, Lucky her, she was familiar with the sensation of pneumonia, so I called the Doctor for some advise as she was colouring blue in the face and her hands were pale, and begrudgingly we went to our local on duty MD on Monday evening. Everything seemed pretty good until they checked her O2 level, which was at 99%. That's strange and a lot better than I expected to see. The Doc laughed a bit and had his doubts about the pneumonia. But the bigger sign was when she started coughing... and dropped nearly to the ground in pain. So we were send of to the Hospital to get an x-ray to be made and to take some blood samples.
Despite the fact that her influenza was viral-based, the pneumonia is a separate disease that's a bacterial infection, and has to be treated with strong antibiotics. The first line of attack was an cure of humangous tablets Claritromycin. Side note: these tablets are so hard to swallow if you hardly can breath and they taste awful so it made her throwing up.... at first. Later on, it may feel like someone kicked you in the mouth while wearing steel-toed boots, though. The antibiotic parade kept marching; The Doctor was concerned about the pneumonia enough to treat it more aggressively, which is why he prescribed two different antibiotics after that. I have been taking both Prednisolon and Ciprofloxacin, and just a few days later, this onslaught of bug killers seem to be working well.

The Cure Hurts Too
While she appreciates the need to go in and clean house, so to speak, in her lungs, the problem with antibiotics (especially multiple strong ones as she is on) is that they tend not to discriminate in terms of which bacteria they kill. It's like going after a terrorist cell by setting off an atomic bomb; there's going to be some collateral damage. The downside of these antibiotics that it is also draining your condition level you feel like an old woman that has ran a half marathon without any form of practise. Out of breath and feeling like been ran over by a bus. Inside her lungs it probably looks like the aftermath of the bombardment on the city of Rotterdam during the Second World War. Or when the tropical storm Katrina left a trail of dubree. Everything that survived this big blow is standing but is it still strong enough for a second blow. So, all of the "good bacteria" that lives in your gut will also be eliminated, and you'll likely find that your ability to digest food is immediately gone.

It's Probably Going To Be Okay
The fact is that if you're older than 6 and younger than 65, you will probably be just fine after getting your pneumonia treated. One of the most difficult aspects of it for me has been keeping my optimism level high. Pneumonia tends to sap all of your energy, and it's easy to forget that things look a lot brighter when you have your health. In the practical matter it means that I have to fix all the work in the house, now my wife is ill not very good when you need to do a full time job and having trouble to divide my own power. You just need to trust the idea that as she defeats the bacteria in her lungs, her energy and attitude will eventually come around as well. And no I'm not the most patient person in the world, so this part is particularly difficult for me. However, I have too damn many things I want to do yet... more music, more films, more web sites, more family activities, more travel, more new experiences, more good times with friends, and more fun... that I know this mopiness is just a temporary side effect that will, soon enough, be gone. But at this moment we are like an old and sick couple that is tired and wants to sleep all day.

I'm looking forward to time she is getting better and I am getting back to my usual silly self. And I will.

The Old Sailor,

The question most people ask themselves: "What if?"

Dear Bloggers,

Life is sometimes pretty miserable at this moment my spouce is struggling with some difficult situations at work.I don’t want to become to detailed but we talk about serious and mean bullying. According to the physician and the psycho therapist we are dealing with a boss that has a dangerous level of narcism.This boss is putting systematically employees down that they either quit there job or joining the game by putting her on statue. If you get mentally wiped of your feet by such a nut case your brain needs a total reset and the therapist will teach you to have a mind and opinion of your own.

This can give some hard conflicts in your surroundings as you change from the soft side to the hard side as your mind is changing. This can be pretty tough for people that have known you for all those years as the easy party. They feel like being stabbed in the back as they do not recognize there own behaviour. So just sit back and relax. The problem is that people near you have the biggest struggle to adapt to this new you. Time to let them deal with the questions:”Who is in charge in your life?” or “Is the inner child winning by crying and pounding with his feet or is the adult side in charge dealing with the situation by starting a normal conversation?” Tricky but not impossible I would say

Several years ago my life was upside down when I  fell down the stairs in our own home my brain has been scattered and I still suffer from gaps in my memory and my character has changed in a negative way according to my wife and some good friends that have known me for many years. Somehow there is a lot of work to do to get the old me back as my wife fell in love with a guy that was a real gentleman. Will I ever be able to get this old me back and restore all these good sides of me? Is it possible to get these memories back from the good old days?

What if you forgot who you used to be? And what if you didn't realize you had?

Imagine have uprooted your life to pursue your dreams. You shed all of your past hangups about making it big in your career, decided money wasn't worth pursuing anymore, and decided to dedicate yourself to a noble cause. And what if after you got there, while you were still basically in shock from the major change, still getting used to your new life, you suddenly lost all memories of your past, all memory of who you used to be. You don't notice at first, because you can recall all the major facts - where you used to live, schools you went to, people you knew, good times you had, even some bad times.

What then? Can you imagine not knowing who you used to be? In a way you would be like a child - devoid of any memories of life. Worse, your condition was such that you "remembered" emotions, but had no tangible basis for the memories so they didn't seem like real memories, just a blur of emotions which you cannot connect to events, or even times in your life. Walking past a store, you smell something that suddenly makes you afraid, not realizing that the memory of your first fight and the beating was accompanied by the smell of tobacco. Other times, a new acquaintance is treated badly by you because, unbeknownst to you, that person looks a lot like the kid who beat you up in school. But above all would be the overwhelming frequency of these kinds of things, and the complete lack of understanding of your own emotions.

If you haven't guessed I'm talking about myself by now, welcome to my blog...

I had no idea how effective the memory therapy that I conceived for myself could be. I started by watching movies from my past. I bought an entire 500-title laserdisc collection partially for purpose. I also started listening to music from my past, but somehow it didn't click how much more effective it was. That, or perhaps I understood how overwhelming it was to get those memories back and put it off.

But two weeks ago, I had a visitor leaving me a copy of his music collection which encompassed an expansive collection of music from the 80s. I began listening to the music, dozens and dozens of songs I hadn't heard in soemtimes 15 or 20 years. And each song, despite memory loss, and despite not having heard them for that long, was so well remembered that I could sing along in tune, to the correct words (at least, as I understood them...)

And with each song comes memories often associated with it. And each song will have several memories attached to it, some stronger, some weaker, some never to be retrieved. Some memories are good, some are memories I would have rather have kept forgotten. But all memories are important, and each completes the history of who I used to be, of what I used to be like.

And until the past couple of days, I hadn't realized how important it was to know what I used to be like. I remember now what the basis was for decisions I made throughout my life - my past motivations, and the history of my decision making, my perspectives, my point of view how things in life should be and connecting these thoughts even as I type this. The story of who I am, by way of who I used to be, is being nearly restored, digitally, in Dolby stereo...

Is there a bright side? Can there be a bright side to forgetting who you used to be? Yes. If you lose all of your preconceptions, you are free to create new ones. And by sheer coincidence, on the eve of what I now know (as of this morning actually...forgot...better make a note) to be at the beginning of the end of the society, I turned off the television and later the radio. Thus, my new development, the creation of the new me, was in the absence of the influence of corporations and the capitalist system which I now understand runs our lives (well, your lives anyway.)

I became a new person, my development influenced by my old body being disabled, my new found perspectives, and from a fare more independent, influence-free perspective. Unfortunately, I was also plagued by the ghosts of my past, the lack of memory of who I used to be, especially given that I no longer had any contact with anyone from my past. This caused problems with socializing, and other symptoms of the injuries that my memory and brain had after the accident. Something I got along the way and it created a situation that made it nearly impossible for me to get medical help or even recognition that I have the problems I do. Life became hell.

I owe my survival to my intellectual gifts, and my drive to always be the best person I could be. It's easy to be open minded, to embrace new ways of thinking, when you have hardly any memory of your past, when you in fact have lost all of your old ways of thinking.

Is my ordeal a tragedy? Absolutely not. Tragedies don't have happy endings. Did I suffer unecessarily? Hell yes I did, but only relative to my personal goals going in. Have others suffered what I have? Have others experienced the injuries I have? Do others have the gifts I have? Have others fought as I have? Have others made the kinds of changes to their lives and perspectives as I have? Yes, absolutely. But I experienced all the right things in all the right ways at all the right times. Yes I have plenty of these kind of questions.

I feel as though much of the burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm still dealing with a lot of crap, oh boy am I ever. Events and circumstances in my life haven't changed. My awareness of them and ability to deal with them has. Now that I understand my past, I can better understand how I interact with people, and how to better succeed in my interactions. I have finally succeed in getting medical help for my diagnoses and needed accommodations; which I can attribute, at least in part, to my new interpersonal skills. Those who have been actively fucking with me would be well-advised to stop now while you can. I no longer have fear. I'm not going to run away, I'm going to turn and fight. And those on the border, who merely stayed away because it was the popular thing to do, realize your error of listening to the wrong crowd.

Things are still in the process of gathering up the old me and my old thoughts. I still have a few gaps in the thread of my life's paths to fill, but the bigger threads are there and the gaps are being filled even without conscious effort on my part. There is also the ever-important fact that I still have other problems, both healthwise, as well as from brain “damage.” I still have difficulty making and recalling short and long-term memories. The therapy I underwent on my own was merely to retrieve my past. It doesn't help me relearn how to think or how to make decisions. The ONLY thing it has provided is understanding of who I am by way of how I got here.

And now that I finally understand (mostly) who I am, others can have the opportunity as well.

The Old Sailor,

Time to decide

Dear Bloggers,

Question I asked my jobcoach (someone from the dole office that should help you finding new opportunities, they haven’t been much help yet. As everything that I did or found they could not help me with.) I am at a career crossroads with two viable but very different options to consider. One is a job on a cruiseliner as a bartender and the other one might be a reasonable chance on a contract with the bus company. So I asked her “What suggestions do you have about sorting through them and making a decision?”

Answer from my jobcoach: This comes down to knowing yourself and thinking carefully about the likely short- and long-term results of each choice.

That is a correct answer but can I do something with this answer or is it again actually what they say: “Sorry we don’t know but you have to sort it out on your own.” To give you an impression about how the phone conversation went with this young lady who did a study in communication for years. We talked for half an hour about actually nothing. I was left with more questions than answers.

The conversation part about the inner game

Before thinking about the options, think about yourself. Consider what you like best about your professional life, how you'd like your days to be occupied, the amount of structure you prefer, the amount of interaction as part of a team — all of the concrete and intangible aspects that go into professional satisfaction.

Think, too, about how you'd prefer work to fit as a part of life as a whole. You may want to put a lot of attention on career or business building, or you may be looking for more flexibility and balance. There is no right or wrong here; however, understanding your preferences will help you evaluate your choices.

Remember to assess your financial requirements so that you are clear about your needs in terms of compensation and benefits.

Once you've immersed yourself in thinking about how you'd like to live your life, consider each option in turn. Try closing your eyes and imagining yourself in the new role. Walk yourself through a day or a week, and don't just take the happy path. Also imagine the hard days and notice how you feel about the challenges you'd face. Also think about how each fits with your professional and personal preferences.

The part about the outer game

I assume from your description of the options as "viable" that you have looked at the pragmatic aspects. If not, be sure that you're doing so, creating a financial plan or investigating the compensation and benefits so that you don't come up short.

Get some sounding board help, talking to friends, family and advisers you can trust to give you feedback. Keep in mind that their own biases and preferences may show up, and also remember that it's your decision and that you must make it for yourself. That being said, input from others will be a valuable resource in clarifying your next steps.

There may be questions that have arisen from your reflections on the positions. If so, gather more information from others. For example potential employers who are part of your potential next steps.

The inner game revisited

To get to your goal of a confident decision, return to a reflective mode. Incorporate all the information from the above phases, and notice which option is more attractive. Try closing the door on each and see how that feels. Which alternative is more energizing? Where do you feel more loss from leaving the option behind?

You may feel some anxiety about making a decision. This can go with the territory, but take an honest look to see if it reflects a genuine concern that needs to be addressed. Otherwise, you may just have to accept that jitters are part of moving forward, and that once you've decided, you don't need to second-guess your choice.

Summary of the conversation

Reflect, consult and reflect again to arrive at a well-grounded decision.

My jobcoach is a credentialed coach with more than 12 years of experience. How can you tell people these kind of things if actually never ever had a real job in the real world. How can the government be so blind to waste so much money on these idiots. Just put up a sign with the text “Sort things out yourself.”

Hmmm.....has anyone a better suggestion? I am really in doubt and I need to get my act together as I will need to make a decission soon. Why is life so complicated if it comes to deciding?

The Old Sailor,

The dream of my youth

Dear Bloggers,

I do probably dream a lot but most of the mornings that i wake up, I do not remember a single thing. Only sometimes I can recall the story of my dreams and they have the strangest subjects. This is one of these dreams that I had for a couple of days now and i wander why do I have this dream? Is it that I want to know what happened to people from my past or is there somewhere deep inside something left that should be questioned? I thought that I had finished this story many years ago when we broke up and went our own ways again. It is strange how the mind pops up these stories and my question is why does this occur so many years later? Am I still looking for answers from my youth or is there something hidden deeper. Is this the life that I imagined many years ago or what?

As we both have a job and work in different day shifts. We normally forget a few things when we do our shopping. As I am on my way already this morning my wife called me on my cellphone if I could drop by the supermarket and by some groceries for the evening meal and some bread rolls for lunch. And after the call I drive towards the supermarket to get the goodies. I rush (literally) with my little red car into the carpark at the supermarket. It is terribly busy and so I just curse when I must drive a second round to secure a spot. I throw my car around the corner, search along the more distant parking lots and see an empty spot in the corner near the supermarket as I see someone drive off, so thats good.

As I was heading off to that spot on my eye suddenly falls on the woman at the edge of the sidewalk waiting with her little daughter. A typicall Dutch female figure, a head full of curly brown hair, deep brown eyes, pale skin with a red blush ......... involuntarily squeezes of my stomach. "Oh my god, it’s Esther ..." I mutter softly to myself.

I park my car and I thank God on my knees this morning that I have decided for once to dress myself neatly on a Saturday In a long black shirt, dark black trousers and neat shoes to match as I walk towards the carts. I see her coming around the corner at the same time but I just rethink how small the chances are, that she would remember me and I climb over the fence for the carts so I can avoid her ..

How long wiould it be now, pfff think almost 28 years or so. Suddenly I see myself again in mind: Just 16 years old, I walk into the harbour area and its end of the season time for the fancy fair, the new backpack that my parents gave me is hanging around my shoulders. And there are my friends hanging out by the bumper cars together with some nice looking young ladies. I introduce myself to the girls and somehow this Esther girl is catching my eyes. I look at her and for the first time in my life I feel butterflies, wow ..." Hi Esther ......I am out of words for the first time in my entire life ... "Much more is gone from me, I am now vibrating and fire red. I drink my beer and head for the bar to get us some new beverages.......dry throats are dreadfull.

I have meanwhile grabbed my cart and turned around. There's really a look of recognition in Esther's eyes to see, so I greet friendly and walk by. My goodnes I am shy again, nothing changed.

Of the way to the eshentrance I think back on that period ....Of course it was obvious that I am in love with Esther I yoyally fall for her and there was a click between us. We could get along well together and the fair was always a good start fo a new relation because it had to happen. And that did it, we grew more and more towards each other and the end of this evening was my dream. We walked together through an open field and I pointed to the stars, "do you see that group of stars Esther? In the form of a saucepan? That's the big bear ... "She is leaning against me to point to the stars and I feel my body shiver as in a panic attack. I turned to her and looked her straight in her eyes. "Esther ..." my voice was hoarse, 'This really can not .. you're going to be my first real girlfriend ... after......"When my gaze fell I said softly," I am so scared to do this and then she said it was not a problem,,,,we are taking it easy ... that you are in doubt with me .. "" Yeah but it really can not ... and I really need more time to....."And so she took my heart and kissed me as never before. Our relationship was passionate and roughly edged. I really had some serious butterfly problems. We lost the love for each other after 6 months, the fire had died out slowly and we broke up with no hard feelings and that was that ... But forget her? No, never.....ever ..she had started me up again.

As I throw my stuff in the cart, I see that Esther, of course, took the same route as me. When I walk through the isles. Her cart is at a certain moment in my way and so she says softly as she looks at me, 'Sorry' and pulls the cart away.

I feel really confident and ridiculous at the same look at her and smiled, "Do not worry" 'Once at the vegetables I am no longer able to sustain and I am all blushing (bizar!!) She speaks to me," Hi Sailor, how are you? "Well the wild hairs are still there but I turn to graying," HEJ Esther, yes everything alright with you? "While I ask my question, I look at her as well: Yes she is also older now but still good looking and somehow she looks nervous. "Yes it is not to bad with me, my daughter and I have a small home for almost a year now," Again, I look at her smiling, "The little girl is approx 6 years or so," Now she smiles at me, "Yes the drum still beats "We look at each other, each too long, and the little girl calls us to order;" Mummy why are you doing so weird to that man ... " I totally shot into laughter, that wonderful honesty of children.

"Hey Esther I am sorry but I must go, my wife is sitting at home together with the kids and they are waiting for their lunch. It was nice to see you again and maybe we'll meet again here. At that moment "she gazes and says, 'Yes, I must go too. "We give each other a hug or something similair but then I turn around and walk away. First loves ... something that makes that these people are always special to you and so I walked around yesterday with a big, big smile. As I have never have forgotten her, and she never forgot me, for both of us it's a nice reminder of our youth. Yes it was great at that time but she left me then with a totally shattered heart and I still did not find all the pieces back yet.....

The Old Sailor,