If pain is taking over your life.

Dear Bloggers,

What if pain is taking over your life.
At the moment I am living life with a lot of pain, my doctor got finally realistic and sends me to specialist of internal diseases.
I am just over 40 and my body is fully working against me. In the blood tests that were done, once again there was nothing found and I am so not amused.
All my joints are hurting, my neck, my elbows, my knees, my wrists (off and on in various finger joints) and one of my ankles.
The year has just started and it is a painful beginning.

About 12 months back they discovered that I have Tietze's syndrome.(Costochondritis)
I walked around for almost 2 years with a nagging pain in my left side at my 4th rib from the top counted.
First they thought that it was pain of the recovery of my lung after the pneumonia that I've had.
Because I was still fairly unfamiliar to the intense pain it caused, in the beginning I was a few times rapidly rushed to the hospital with an expected heart attack.
The symptoms seemed to be very similar and the pain at the left is so stinging that it just feels like you are going to die.
The hospital found out, after a number of examinations that there was nothing wrong with the heart.
But what it was, they were not entirely sure.



To my great surprise I had a number of things that I no longer used as such as my garden tools.
This kind of things I have to suffer with an intense pain that will bring me one or two days completely down.
When the diagnosis was made that I had Tietze, I started searching the Internet and came to the discovery that I was not the only one suffering from this.
I ended up on the site of A. G. Hol: www.tietze.nl
I discovered only now that it is something that has been there for years and I finally figured what was going on with me.

In winter I have trouble getting up on my feet and I'm stiff from head to toe.
All my moving parts are hurting like hell.
I am like a very old man when I am at the beginning of my day.
To give you an example of how my day is:
“You feel like having a heavy flu than you can also sense the pain from the muscles, also the heavy feeling and being extremely tired is part of it.” (I fall asleep in the middle of the day, I get sleepy out of nothing.)
I am simply falling asleep from one moment being fully awake until the next moment I am falling into a deep sleep.



However, the severe pain is getting sharper and tears my soul in two.
My fingers do not work with me and they are so stiff and painful, and my daughters, I can not help them, for example, a biscuit packaging I can not open it.
But whatever is coming on my path, I also have to learn to accept and that fibromyalgia is going to be part of my near future, and again I just have to get used to it.

Life is a path that is crossed by pain and love.
Only a pity is that I see more pain than love.
Happiness comes in small pills, who are also called painkillers.

The Old Sailor

Happy Birthday Old Sailor.

Dear Bloggers,

It is that time of the year again, soon there is my birthday to celebrate and year 41is there (that is 14.975 days).
Like every year the discussion starts what should we get you this year.
And funny enough the answer is already there, like always.

This year I get a new car stereo as the “old” one is giving up on us.
Not too expensive I claimed as the “new second hand car” might have these things integrated.



Aging. Getting old. Nothing seems to shrivel up a person's wish to celebrate the anniversary of their birth like the number of candles to be lit on their cake.

Sure, there's a large number of cards at the corner store dedicated to sagging skin and creaking joints, but you know: age is just a number, right?
Comedic interpretation, learning to laugh about turning 41 will do much more to make you smile than woe over your latest grey hair ever will.



There's great reason to look at getting older as a good thing - you get to move on from the torture of growing up and look forward to things to come. With age tends to come a sense of peace and forward thinking - as we move into adulthood, life can become more about what the future holds for us than what we missed out on yesterday.

Now, a quiet dinner with your loved ones, without any gifts at all, can make for the best celebration you've ever had.
Remember the hell that was adolescence? You're done with shyly wondering if the popular kid in school was gossiping about you or one of your best friends.

Your early twenties were likely the years of (not just birthday) parties, hot dates, not being a grown-up, but no longer a child. It seems like every one's got the same early 20s strife: we searched to figure out who we were going to be with someone else, instead of figuring out who we already were. We were running after the perfect achievements - things, friends, careers and lovers - without being able to sit still and recognize what we already had.



I've heard that with the 30s comes a sense of peacefulness and acceptance. We stop always looking for something better, shinier and more expensive and get to know ourselves. We become more focused on comfort, as opposed to unachieved idealism. Some of us develop families and become the parents we would like to be; others put their time and effort into career and personal development outside of the home. Some of us do both! All of us tend to learn that what we have is okay and even a little bit wonderful, and we drop the feelings of regret over unimportant choices we made in the past.



With our 40th birthday, we might evaluate our lives. Our kids (if there are any) are often growing old enough for us to grant them more independence, we've got a lot of experience we didn't 20 years ago, and we've come to know ourselves and the world around us enough to ask, "What's next?" without negating anything we've already lived. We can sit, pondering whether we'd like to study something new, take a new turn in our careers, start a business - and best of all, we've gained enough confidence in ourselves to believe that we can do what we set out for.



I can't wait to get older and to celebrate each birthday that marks me maturing. Maybe wrinkles and sagging aren't on my wish list, but the wisdom, being comfortable with myself and my life's choices, peacefulness and the adventures that await? Definitely the best birthday presents I could ever hope for.

What are you looking forward to as you get to your next milestone?

The Old Sailor,

A night out with the Old Sailor,

Dear Bloggers,

Sometimes I have these brilliant ideas to go a night out with my wife, but when you are having two kids not old enough to stay on their own.
You need to organize things on forehand.
And this is not easy when you are like me, and right away I say yes to a spontaneous idea.
Ok, everything turned out the right way.
Although I need to thank a lot of people for this great support and cooperation they al gave. We had the opportunity to have a look behind the scenes of the musical Sunset Boulevard.



First of all I will revert to the movie.
Sunset Boulevard is typical of Billy Wilder's penchant for risky subject matter, but it's also more visually appealing than some of his films combined.
It's a film that succeeds on many levels of production; the script is intricate and boldly conceived (if at times melodramatic), the set design is marvelous, Wilder's direction is fluent, and the lighting and camera movements are stately.
Aside from these concrete elements, the film also seduces the viewer into its own special world that is rather indescribable; if you don't believe me, bad luck and I wonder if you have seen it.

Last night we went to the musical version.
The music has been composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber another big name in musical world.(Jesus Christ superstar, phantom of the opera, cats, and Evita.)
Although musical is not really my thing as I am not that good at sitting still for a long time.
We were invited to come and see the show, we were allowed to use the foyer were the cast is having their break and the artist entrance.
My wife did not know anything about it and for her it was a big surprise.
The only thing she knew was that we were going out for diner and that her work schedule was changed.
(A lot of organizing for me behind the scenes, but that is the toll that you pay when you are a hopeless romantic like me.)


Norma Desmond (Simone Kleinsma) and Joe Gillis (Antonie Kamerling)
It is of course something special when you are being so close to the star players, not everybody gets this chance.
I really have to say we had a great night out and the musical is absolutely catching.
As my wife had no pre information about the story as she did not see the movie, or could pre read on internet about it.
Within 5 minutes you are being dragged into the story.


Betty Schaeffer (Maike Boerdam - Strobel)

Well let me give a short impression about the story:
In a passage that is pure Golden Age Hollywood, screenwriter Joe Gillis (Antonie Kamerling) escapes his shadowy creditors to the side of Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles where he unearths the crumbling mansion of the equally crumbling, self-proclaimed silent film "star" Norma Desmond (Simone Kleinsma/Pia Douwes).
However, her problem is that she hasn't come to accept the reality of her current situation, which manifests itself into the several misshapen aspects of her life: the "fan letters" she believes she receives (but which are actually sent by her butler Max, another has-been filmmaker, played by Peter de Smet), the general otherworldliness of her mansion, which seems to be fusing into the shrubbery that surrounds it, or the lack of locks on her vast doors as a safeguard for Max in the instance of a possible suicide attempt.
"I am big. It's the pictures that got small,"
While her personal corruption seems to be associated with her loss of fame and aging body, Gillis is on the opposite side of the spectrum.
He's a writer who has frequently been on the cusp of a big hit, but whose minor failures have progressively made him more and more cynical.
When asked by Norma to assist her in writing her script, he jumps at the opportunity, being well aware of the status she had reached as an actress.
Creepily however, Norma takes hold of Gillis, scrutinizing his every move, an action that eventually turns for the worst when Gillis begins a love affair with Betty Schaeffer an engaged script reader played by Maike Boerdam.
When ambition runs in Sunset Boulevard, self-absorption is not far behind.
Gillis seems to lose his identity, grabbing hold of the promise of money over a more worthwhile situation.


"The Butler" Max von Mayerling (Peter de Smet)

A very deep and sad story but I was absolutely impressed by the musical, so I like to applaud all of you.
A great piece of art made by all of you.
I am normally not that impressed by the Dutch translations of top songs but you could feel that it was performed with a lot of passion.
The original movie Sunset Boulevard is certainly one of the most handsome productions of the 50's, and Wilder's knack for weaving a complex psychological tale while also keeping his taboos close to mind is undeniable.

Anyway we had a great night out.

The Old Sailor,

Happy with what you have, not with what you could get

Dear Bloggers,

My wife… What can I say about her? She is always there for me. Always giving up her own life for me. She studied still when she we first met. But she gave up her own career for me to pursue my dreams. I know, she will say our dreams. But the honest truth is that she gave up her future career for me to go off and tackle the world. Always taking a back seat…

My wife. A mind as sharp as her tongue! And damn! If only you knew how sharp that tongue can be! I always tell people to rather deal with me because I am the easy one. The soft one. But you mess with her… Man, man, man… All hell will break lose! Remind me that I tell you about the poor insurance guy one day. Haha! I don’t think he ever recovered.
Anyway…

My wife… We moved in together and she gave up her own job for me, and started work for peanuts at Arriva. Because that was what I wanted her to do. I was in between jobs all the time and worked as a freelance bartender and only weekends we were busy. As I needed to be a bartender.
You know what my wife did? She was pregnant… But she had to go and work somewhere for us to earn a bit more money because I got us into that situation. She stuck with it until I found a better paying job two years later. That’s what my wife did. That’s what my proud pregnant wife went to do.



My wife… That is how much she loves me. She would do everything for me. She has done everything for me. She has given up her life just for us to be together and for me to explore the world.
This take-no-shit, bright as hell, (and hotter than hell) proud, strong and suffering woman will do all that just for me. Can you imagine that?
And that isn’t even half the story. Apart from giving all that up she loves a crazy man. Her suffering is double what you can imagine!
Baby, I love you so much. I truly know what it means to love someone more than life itself. Because without you there will be no life. No me. I love you more… I think of you every single minute of my day. I always just want to be with you. Hold you and love you. (And all that other good stuff as well!)

I am one lucky, lucky man to have found the one person who makes me better than what I was meant to be. I am nothing without you. But I am everything because of you.
You have given up so much just for me. And the girls. You tolerate us. And you love us. Without asking anything back. All I have to give you is me.
A reminder. So incomplete. But it will have to do to give you a glimpse of how much you make me who I am. Baby, I love you. More…
How I Love My Wife

How do I love my wife?
In so many ways…
I love how I never want to write about my love for her because I know that I can never say it just the way I want to. And how I know that I still wouldn’t be able to say or write it the right way even if I was more gifted than Shakespeare. How words can never tell the story of my love for her. Because words have boundaries.



I love how she holds me and asks me what is wrong when I don’t know how to say what is wrong. When all that is wrong is that the world just got a little bit too heavy. And that all I need is her arms around me to make me feel safe and strong again.
I love how I listen to that stupid Hero song of Enrique and cry because I just want to be her hero. I just want to wipe away the tears. I want to kiss away the pain. I just want to stand by her forever. Because she always takes my breath away.
I love how she has to bite her lip when she laughs when I do my silly accents. And how she laughs with no sound and the tears runs down her face. And she’s laughing at my stupid jokes.

I love how she pretends to need me even though she is so much stronger than me. I know she doesn’t climb mountains. She will make the mountains come to her. And that they will just obey.
I love how she speaks with a “little voice” when she gets back from shopping and asks me “Don’t you want to help me carry?” And how I know there will be a little something in there for me.

I love how I used to hate Tom Cruise for taking the best line with “You complete me”. But how I know he didn’t even get close. She makes me. Not complete. She just makes me. Me.
I love how she laughs and shakes her head and says “What am I going to do with you?” whenever I make one of my suggestive comments. And how I do it just to hear those words.



I love how I look at her and compare every girl I see to her. And how no one compares even if they are on the pages of magazines or in leading roles in the movies.
I love how she is the centre of our universe. How she holds everything together and give meaning to our family. Stronger than gravity or any law of science.

I love how my smile gets bigger the closer I get to home. How I just want to run and laugh because I know she will be there and everything will be just fine.
I love how she wanted me even though she could get anyone she wanted. And how she stays with me even though she can get anyone she wants.

I love how her hand feels in mine when we walk with the girls. I love how I touch her while she’s walking and kiss her on her cheek.
I love how my heart still races when I kiss her when we make out. How her lips make me forget everything that makes me mad.

I love how she acts all needy when she wants me to get her some Coke or crisps. And how I love getting it for her.
I love how I still get butterflies when she reaches for my hand without her knowing she is doing it.



I love how she is the first thing that touches my lips in the morning and the last thing at night.
I love how she holds me and looks into my eyes when she tells me that she loves me more.

I love how I know every part of her body but still don’t know enough.

I love how she puts her hand on my leg when we go for a drive.

I love how she believes in me even when I have my doubts.

I love how I can write another million words and still not tell you how I love my wife.

The Old Sailor,

My scientific approach of valentine’s day

Dear Bloggers,



When Love Blossoms
Romantic love, is not an emotion.
Rather, it’s “a motivation system, it’s a drive, it’s part of the reward system of the brain.”
It’s a need that compels the lover to seek a specific mating partner.
Then the brain links this drive to all kinds of specific emotions depending on how the relationship is going.
All the while, the prefrontal cortex is assembling data, putting information into patterns, making strategies, and monitoring the progress toward “life’s greatest prize.”



Love also hurts.
A recent study where 40 percent of people who had been dumped by their partner in the previous eight weeks experienced clinical depression and 12 percent severe depression.
It is estimated that 50 to 70 percent of female homicides are committed by lovers and spouses.



Divide love into three categories involving different brain systems:

1) Lust (the craving for sexual gratification), driven by androgens and estrogens;

2) Attraction (or romantic or passionate love, characterized by euphoria when things are going well, terrible mood swings when they’re not, focused attention, obsessive thinking, and intense craving for the individual), driven by high dopamine and norepinephrine levels and low serotonin; and

3) Attachment (the sense of calm, peace, and stability one feels with a long-term partner) driven by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin.

“I think the sex drive evolved to get you out there to get looking for anything at all,”
Romantic love, is developed to focus one’s mating energy on just one individual while attachment works to tolerate this individual long enough to raise children as a team.



Romantic love, is a stronger craving than sex.
People who don’t get sex don’t kill themselves, she said.
On the other hand, it is not adaptive to be romantically in love for 20 years.
“First of all, we would all die of sexual exhaustion."Not surprisingly."



When Love Fades
High levels of oxytocin and vasopressin may interfere with dopamine and norepinephrine pathways, which may explain why attachment grows as mad passionate love fades.
The antidote may be doing novel things together to goose the two love neurotransmitters.
Meanwhile, elevated testosterone can suppress oxytocin and vasopressin.
There is good evidence, Dr Fisher said, that men with higher testosterone levels tend to marry less often, be more abusive in their marriage, and divorce more regularly.
The reverse can also be true.
If a man holds a baby, levels of testosterone go down, perhaps in part because of oxytocin and vasopressin going up.



“Have you ever been dumped by someone you really love?”
An equal number also dumped someone who really loved them.
Getting dumped makes you love the person harder, a so called “frustration attraction.”
Psychologists also refer to “abandonment rage” and “frustration depression,” which may paradoxically work to hasten the relationship’s end.
Then comes resignation and despair, where the brain’s reward system begins to realize the you are never going to get what you want.
Despair may seem counterproductive, but it is in essence “a failure of denial” that allows us to see the world for what it is and sets us on the road to finding a more suitable partner.



Love at Risk
“Sex, Sexuality, and Serotonin,” antidepressants may jeopardize romantic love.
As well as high dopamine and norepinephrine, she said, romantic love is characterized by low serotonin.
Low serotonin would explain the obsessive thinking attached to romantic love.
For example 95 percent of the day and couldn’t stop thinking about your loved one. This kind of obsessive thinking is comparable to obsessive compulsive disorder, also characterized by low serotonin.
Serotonin-enhancing antidepressants, will lower the emotions, including the elation of romance, and suppress obsessive thinking, a critical component of romance.
These antidepressants also inhibit orgasm, clitoral stimulation, penile erection (“the entertainment system, as I would call it”), and deposit of seminal fluid.
From an anthropological perspective, a woman who can’t get an orgasm may fail to distinguish Mr Right from Mr Wrong.
Seminal fluid contains dopamine and norepinephrine, oxytocin and vasopressin, testosterone and estrogen, and FSH and LH.

Without an orgasm, said Dr Fisher, men lose the ability to send courtship signals. Said one man, who lost his motivation and self esteem as a result, “I just stopped dating.”
Ironically, because antidepressants inhibit depression, patients may lose their ability to send an honest clear signal for social support and (for those with mild depression) lose the necessary insight to make hard decisions (the failure of denial factor).



When Sex Goes Right
If I research what goes on molecularly during arousal and orgasm: Testosterone drives sexual activity in men.
Testosterone also affects women, plus estrogen and progesterone, associated with permissivity and receptivity, respectively.
These three hormones help maintain genital structure and function.
Dopamine is tied into sexual desire while norepinephrine is related to subjective excitement.
During orgasm, oxytocin levels rise.



When Sex Goes Wrong
I mentioned that serotonin can dampen sexual desire and excitement.
It can also deaden sensation, leading to vasocongestion (“blue balls”).
Prolactin can have a negative impact on sexual excitement.
Risk factors for sexual dysfunction include being at least 50 years old, married, less than college education, not employed full time, tobacco use, higher doses of antidepressants, concomitant meds, co-occurring ills known to cause sexual dysfunction, prior history of antidepressant-induced sexual dysfunction, history of little or no sexual enjoyment, and regarding sexual functioning as not or somewhat important.



In patients with depression, that figure is 70 to 80 percent.
Depression itself rarely causes sexual dysfunction, Dr Muskin explained.
Untreated depression, however, often causes a lack of interest in sex, and disrupts intimacy.
The reality that getting well is more important than sexual dysfunction.
Patients and their partners, he said, may need to reconfigure how they have sex. Arousal may need to be at a higher pitch before intercourse, and orgasm need not be linked to the act.
Although Viagra may improve erection, it doesn’t help much with libido and orgasm. The following natural treatments, he said, show promise: Rhodiola (an arctic plant that works for both men and women, may work on dopamine, helps libido and boosts energy); Ginko biloba (for impotence in men and maintains erection); Gingseng (appears to work on dopamine, so woman can benefit too)



Love from Potion Number 32
“Valentine’s Day cards usually depict Cupid’s dart as the messenger of love.
New scientific research, however, shows that a key messenger molecule, rather than Cupid’s dart, is responsible for female sexual receptivity.
Hmmm, how can a normal man stimulate the woman of their dreams into a sexual driven animal?

The Old Sailor,

Is it all over?

Dear Bloggers,

This item was removed, we are sorry but it was hurting too many feelings.

Stop wasting your time and do something useful with it, at least try to enjoy live.
Let me end like this: “Love may be blind but you don’t have to be blind not to see things. After all it’s your future life that is concerned. ”

The Old Sailor,

One more week to Valentine's

Are you my Valentine?

Dear Bloggers,

It is nearly there, valentine’s day.
It is for men one of these days that your loved one expects something romantic from you.
Every year I am breaking my head over what should I do this year.
How will I surprise her.
My head is panicking and she acts like she doesn’t care.
Is it really all about love?
I am affraid to loose her, she might find someone else as her interrest in me has faded.
Could I ever become her prince again?
As my beauty has got it’s wrinkles, i gained a lot of weight, and being a gentleman became history as my character changed after a nasty fall.



For a while after coming home it seemed I had made a full recovery.
However, more recently I have noticed that I’ve had a change in my character.
Also my memory is having strange gaps and after all these years, I have not been able to recover these parts.
My wife somehow does not want to believe it or can’t she cope with it, as most of my functions brainwise are working again.
It is pretty tough if your partner doesn’t understand how you are still trapped in your own body and brain.



It really hurts if the one you love is taking more and more distance, because she says that you are not listening to her.
She is simply ignoring the fact that I have trouble to talk about certain things, as I feel that I cannot defend myself, I get angry and flee out of her range as I feel strangled and trapped.
Sometimes I put up my defence but I know in advance that I have no change to win this battle.
Normally I break down in tears and cry, if she asks what’s wrong, I simply lift up my shoulders.



Before the accident I was a very motivated young man, but now I have no interest in anything, my concentration is not good, and being inappropriate in my conversation and the jobs I need to do in and around the house.
I am simply not capable to fully express myself anymore by saying it, or to think out a plan for building things is not going easy.
Sometimes I feel like crying as I don’t know how to do it anymore, talking about it is no option as my surroundings wave it away.
As it is something that will change again in the future.
Luckely I can get rid of my frustrations through writing these blogs, as I am sometimes trapped in myself.



Is there any chance that I can learn all these things back, are do I have to learn to live with it.
I am not depressed or that my live is not good it is simply different and from time to time difficult.



I still can not believe that I can not find my old me back.
My face is smiling but my heart is crying.
Where do I find me?

The Old Sailor,

A ROSE IN WINTER

You Are The Love In My Life

My heart is still on fire and only set on my future with you
Loving and caring for only you with all I have
I am waiting for the time to be with you everyday

When I dream, I dream of you
When I think, I think of you
When I love, I love only you

You have put love in my life where there was none
At that time I had the feeling that love had gone
Hoping it is for the longest and eternity
My body is longing for your touch

So much to say but no spoken words can compare
to the feelings I have for you

I love you with all my heart but there are no words
and I write them down for you, so the less it hurts

The Old Sailor,

How good are you in your relationship?

Dear Bloggers,

In our youth we had a different picture of psychologists, they were pushed into the corner of the alternative healers, these things have changed quite a bit in todays world.
Therapy is not dangerous or irrelevant anymore, although a lot of people are afraid of being in therapy.
(They still think that you need to be crazy or that you have to calm things down with real pills from a 'real' doctor)
In this crazy world, which is always on the run and stresses people out.

Psychologists deal in the way the mind works and motivation, and can specialise in various areas such as; mental health work and educational and occupational psychology.

What is psychology?
Psychology is a science based profession.
It is the study of people: how they think, how they act, react and interact.
It is concerned with all aspects of behaviour and the thoughts, feelings and motivation underlying such behaviour.
They look at how the ideas and theories involved in each area have developed, and explore some psychological questions of their own by undertaking practical research.

Now read here the following item, why I think that sometimes a relationship with a partner does not work.
Unfortunatly we are human beings and we become either selfish or slave.
We are a strange kind of species, or at least that is what I am thinking.

Some couples look like they really have it together until the day they shock even their best friends with the announcement that they’re getting divorced.
Other couples, in contrast, frequently bicker and find fault.
Yet, the next day they wake up relaxed, smiling, and appreciative of one another.
Clearly, the health of a relationship is not always evident to outsiders.
Moreover, it may not even be evident to those who are living it.
Sometimes you don’t know if your own relationship is in jeopardy or if it has simply hit a few bumps in the road.



Of course, time will tell ….nothing stays the same.
Things either get better or they get worse.
But wouldn’t it be helpful if you could assess the symptoms, like people do with medical problems.
That way you can either reassure yourself that what you are experiencing is no big deal or that it’s good you’re seeking help before things get out of hand or that indeed, these are critical and serious symptoms that will have major consequences without immediate treatment.

If you are now reflecting on the health of your own relationship, you should know about five danger signs that indicate big time trouble.

Let me summarize them.

1. Interpreting your man’s “bad behavior” as an irreversible character flaw.
It’s not just what your man does (or doesn’t do) that creates problems, it’s also how you interpret his behavior.
For instance, if he was supposed to pick up something on the way home from work and he didn’t do it, do you think of him as “a selfish man who doesn’t give a damn about anybody except himself” or as “a guy who is forgetful and easily distracted.”
The more negative your interpretation is, the more damning it is to his entire character, the more you view it as fixed versus temporary (being tired or inattentive), the more your relationship is in jeopardy.



2. Frequent use of cross-complaining.
Cross-complaining is when one person complains and the spouse, rather than addressing the complaint, makes a counter complaint.
Picture how you would feel if you told your husband, ”What a difficult day I had” and she responded, “You think your day was tough, you should have seen what I went through.”
Cross-complaining invariably leads to a feeling of alienation, often expressed as,”I can’t talk to you”, or “You’re just not interested in what I have to say”.
Much better to listen and respond to whatever is brought up first; then put your own issue on the table.



3. Treating your man with contempt.
Obviously, you cannot hope for a healthy relationship if you are chewing up your man and spitting him out for breakfast.
However, when contempt is less malevolent, it may skip by you without awareness.

Beware of disdain that takes the form of:

1. Rolling your eyes as your spouse speaks;
2. Assuming a patronizing, lecturing tone of voice;
3. Responding with gestures of disgust;
4. Making nonnegotiable announcements which cut off all input;
5. Using disrespectful language including name-calling and cursing.

b. A circular response of criticism and defensiveness.

Typical pattern: She is upset with him. He responds defensively, justifying why he’s right or giving her a “yes, but” response.
She doesn’t think he gets it.
She becomes more critical, more angry.
He becomes more defensive, more distant.
As this pattern escalates, she “nags” more, he “stonewalls” more.
She feels, “it’s useless to even talk to him”; he feels “she’s always right, why even bother to respond”.
The end result: Frustration at the highest level.
Not good for the relationship.
Not good for each individual’s self-esteem.



c. Not enough good times to balance out the bad ones.
We’ve all been told that “you need to take the good with the bad”.
But this is easier said than done.
For it’s not enough to have a one-to-one ratio between good and bad times. Unfortunately, the negative tends to linger longer in memory and take a long time to heal.
Hence, count on needing at least five good experiences to counterbalance one bad one.
And if the bad one is particularly hurtful, expect that only time and a sincere effort to rebuild trust will make a difference.
So there it is.
If you recognize any of these symptoms in your relationship, don’t waste any more time in addressing the issues.
Wouldn’t it be great if thinking of your husband brings a smile to your face instead of a sigh?
I hope that you don’t give up on a relationship that still has the potential for healing and growth.



Why are we sometimes so impossible towards eachother, why don't we make love and be happy with what we have. Look around there are enough negative people on this planet.

”Live life as long it is there, pray for less fights, spend your last money on a drink and fuck if your life is depending on it.”

The Old Sailor,

It started with a kiss.....

Dear Bloggers,

This one I am writing especially for my beloved wife, who walked into my life 16 years ago and still I am having a hard time to express my feelings to her.
I am really surprised that we are still together as I am not the easiest person to live with.
Sometimes I am stubborn like hell and I am not the most caring guy in the world.
Somehow she must either really like me, or is she still in love with me?
I feel so lucky that I have met a woman like her.



Who shows her cares, respects, love ..to me.
Furthermore we got two beautiful girls, and they are not always easy to handle when daddy is away.
I must admit that I am having a different life as I am away, but if one of them is sick it is me that also doesn’t sleep and feels powerless.
I feel like it is a miracle that I met a girl who understands my feelings though I never express or let her know my feelings...
I don't know how she understands..
I never wanted to open my heart since I used to have a heartbroken experience.
I am so afraid to open my heart again...before I met this girl, I always concentrated on the things that kept me busy and try to find my dream job..
I always believed that true love would come to me one day....
Always tried to be strong and ignore all her love and compassion...
But for this special girl, I couldn't just force myself anymore.
I couldn't concentrate on my job anymore; I don't know what was going on in my heart...



My brain was covered with butterflies, she knows when I am sad, tired or even hungry...most of the people don't understand me like her because I always try to smile no matter if I feel sad or anything....always try to hide my feelings and make others think that I am strong.
She mentioned that I have a beautiful smile
The other day, while I walked out, she walked after me and opened the door for her with a smile which made her feel like a princess (I still don't understand why I acted like this, but sometimes I hope that a little bit of these feelings would return.)
But that's not why I admired her... it was just a guy's way to attract a girl.....there were more things that she has done for me, I was not the only one having a bad past experience...
In one occasion, (I don't want to specify the occasion), this girl gave me a warm feeling and a kiss on my cheek.



I didn't know why I let her kiss me because I always tried to avoid any kind of love relation.
She always made me smiling and I couldn't stop myself.
This is how our relation kicked off, and in the beginning I was head over heels, but somewhere my brain took a wrong turn.
The gentleman in me had disappeared and a more and more, our relationship started to crumble.
The only one in this case to blame is myself, or am I wrong?



Now it seems like I lost my strength, I feel like that something in me has changed...
Why do I keep thinking about her all the time?
I still try to keep myself busy with my job, but still...I am asking myself numerous times the following questions:
"Where is my strength?" and "Where is my confidence?"
And of course "Where is my dream job?" and "Where did that deeply loving person go?"
I have to do what I promised myself...but my heart is still asking for true love....where is my true love?
I know that I am still young in a way....anyway, thank you so much, dear, for always loving and caring about me until now.
I know that you never heard me say these words to you because my heart just couldn't open for anyone.
I really wish we could try to find the key to open it but maybe it was so hard for you to understand this mysterious guy.



All the words I want to let you know just don't come out.....I really wish there is someone out there could understand what my heart is saying, but now I am sitting here alone thinking of those memorable things you've done for me.
I will always love you and thank you again even you couldn't hear it but I hope there is a little miracle.
I really hope that the magic feeling is coming back to me once more as my heart is still fully in love with you.
I know I have to move on with my life, I know I have to be strong, tomorrow I have to go to work again and have to concentrate on my job
It's 2:30am and couldn't manage to sleep...still keep thinking of you.....still keep writing......do I need to have love??
Do I really need to tell you, all the time that I love you??
Please tell me what I should decide to do?



I am really trying to listen to you and not hurt your feelings, but believe me that it is never my intention to hurt you.
Of course I would love to become the man again, that I was in the beginning.
Somewhere inside of me, my feelings got blocked.
Forgive me for who I am, as it is not something simple that I can change.
You are the love of my life.......and no one can change that feeling.
I put on the cd of Rod Stewart and drift away on the beautiful song that was written by Van Morrison, "Have I Told you lately that I love you." here are the lyrics so you can sing along (but do it gently) when you find the song on youtube.

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

Oh the morning sun in all its glory
Greets the day with hope and comfort too
And you fill my life with laughter
You can make it better
Ease my troubles that's what you do

There's a love that's divine
And it's yours and it's mine
Like the sun at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray to the One

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

There's a love that's divine
And it's yours and it's mine
And it shines like the sun
At the end of the day we will give thanks
And pray to the One

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do

Take away my sadness
Fill my life with gladness
Ease my troubles that's what you do
Fill my life with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles that's what you do.

Goodnight to you all.....wherever you are.

The Old Sailor,