My way of dealing with a burn out

Dear Bloggers,

My wife is suffering from a burn out and we are working slowly on her recovery. Let me tell you it is a long way but here I have some tips to make your life a bit easier. Whenever in doubt, humans all across this huge, people-filled planet resort to bending out of shape instead of empowering ourselves to get up and pick ourselves up! Although it is not very healthy for you, it's just what we do! Men and women all alike do this, too, so you have nothing to be ashamed of. Now, you have the power to conquer emotions and inner negativity! This guide will suggest ways in which you gain control of your life again. I got my life back in order, and you can get yours back too.

Steps

Get rid of the negativity in your life. Put family and friends which bring too much negativity toward you on freeze for now. Don't start any trouble with them, but be less reliant on them. Also, cut back on negativity yourself! Whenever you think something negative, say to yourself, "That's negative and unnecessary." Keep saying that to yourself until your brain stops completely.

Cut back on unnecessary activities to free up time. Any activity that does not produce a tangible result or lead you to success you can put on freeze. For example, cutting back on a movie or going on the computer to go on aim half as often would suffice. But be careful about choosing which things in your life are important to you and which are not. To avoid common errors, first make a list of things (on paper!) that you normally do on a daily and/or weekly basis and put how much time you spend on each activity. Then, take the items on that list and lightly cross off the things that are useless in your life and you spend too much time on. For example, if you watch TV for 5 hours a day, you're definitely wasting some time in your life. If it has something to do with another person, specifically family, do not cross it off as doing this could affect the other person badly. Next, look at all of the things you crossed off and then at the things you still have on your other list. Does this seem reasonable? Could you live without the things you crossed out? Our main goal is to get you to stop spending too much time on useless things.

Create a weekly goal list using three colors.

·      A black priority would be something that has to be done at a certain date and time, without any exceptions.

·      A red priority would be something that has to be done by the end of the day.

·      An orange priority would be something that has to be done within less than one-seven hours. Don't look past 7 days until the priorities are met.

Buy a few hundred index cards, or 2-3 packs. Keep at least a half of a pack with you at all times. They are valuable in social events and allow you to capture ideas onto paper, so you will never forget anything. Knowing that all of your problems are in your pocket will take away stress because you can stop thinking about them and start thinking about other important things.

Organize most of your computer files into 5-15 folders to make sure you have your digital priorities straight. Example folders: Work, School, Research/Reading, Personal Writings, Weekly Goals, Music, Photos, Reminders. Also important to get your mailbox in order there are a lot of unnecessary items in your inbox

Write down 10 strengths you have and how you can use them to your advantage. Write down 10 weaknesses you have and how you can improve them. Try to improve yourself a little bit everyday but at the same time keep this quote in mind: "Complete perfection is bliss, but when perfection is met with humanity, it's useless." Never use the word "perfect." Use "improved" instead. The process of improvement is slow, but if you try to improve yourself everyday, in 6 months, the next list you write will be very different.

Build self-esteem. Don't compare yourself to other people and do not limit yourself to the standards of the consensus. To a certain extent, forget judgmental strangers and give yourself enough room to grow.

Real Self Confidence and Esteem is based in emotion, not a self-image
to build self-confidence and overcome low self-esteem is to change how we feel emotionally about ourselves. To change our emotion requires changing two different core beliefs about self-image. The first core belief is obvious. It is the belief that we are not good enough. It may have a more specific association to how we look, how smart we are, money, or lack of confidence sexually. The second core belief to change is the image of success that we feel we should be. Changing this belief is contrary to logic, but is a must if we are to overcome insecurity and raise our self-esteem.  

False Self Image of Perfection Cause of Low Self Esteem and Lack of Confidence
When your mind has an image of success that you "should be" it associates happy emotions with that picture. I call that the image of perfection in our mind. The mind does a comparison between the image of perfection and how you see your self-image currently. The comparison results in judgment and self-rejection for not meeting the image of perfection. The self-rejection results in feeling unworthy and of low self esteem

While the image of perfection appears to be a way for us to feel good about ourselves, it is actually causing us to reject ourselves which creates feelings of "not being good enough." If you were to dissolve the belief that you should fit into the image of perfection you would eliminate the self-rejection and feelings of unworthiness that result.

Finding and breaking my own “I’m not good enough story.”

Feelings of confidence and security mean no self-rejection.
The approach of dissolving our image of perfection sounds contrary to our sense of logic about building confidence and esteem. This is because we have the belief that achieving the image of perfection will result in positive happy emotions and feeling confident with our success. Our mind has actually been programmed to have these emotional associations. We desire to feel these feelings and chase the image of perfection we have attached to them.

What we may not be aware of is that achieving our image of success doesn’t effectively change our emotional state. It doesn't do anything to permanently change the way the voice in our head speaks to us or what we believe about ourselves. Many times people have achieved their goals only to find themselves still unfulfilled. Your emotional state may briefly change in the euphoria if the immediate success. But the core belief of not being good enough and your long term habit of self-rejection in the mind hasn’t been altered. The critical voice in our head is more likely to put a higher goal in front of us to achieve. It’s okay to have high goals, but you don’t have to make your love and self-acceptance dependent on them.

Change What You Believe and You Change How You Feel Emotionally
The second belief to dissolve is that we are inadequate and somehow not good enough. These are the beliefs that create emotions of insecurity and fear. The emotions are not the problem they are just the resulting symptom of negative core beliefs. The "not good enough" image is a construct of our imagination. It is a belief about ourselves created by the mind concluding that we are "not good enough to meet the image of perfection." A step to changing this belief is to recognize that we the one observing the "self" image. We cannot be the “self” image we are looking at. We are the one doing the looking. This means the “self-image we create is really a “non self” image. With awareness we can decide to believe in the “non self” image or not believe in the “non self” image. Having this awareness helps shift our point of view and is a beginning step that will help us change a belief.

Changing the “not good enough” image is much easier once you have broken your belief in the image of perfection. Without the image of perfection you no longer have the comparison reinforcing the unworthy "self” image.

Make physical changes to remind yourself that you are a new person. A haircut and new clothing would suffice. Also, cleanse yourself spiritually and mentally to begin a lasting new lifestyle. Meditation is a good way to do this.

Breaking down The Elements: Setting Your Head Right

There are some general points to consider to set your expectations of change correctly.

1.                  I can get better at this.

2.                  The journey, not the destination.

3.                  Don’t pretend you have a different life.

4.                  Start now.

5.                  Expect disruption.

6.                  Expect failure.

7.                  Remove guilt.

8.                  Be patient.

9.                  Live through the seasons.

10.              You are Superman/ woman.

I can get better at this.

This is the fundamental belief you need to start changing. It’s not the same as thinking – “I can change” – which might actually work against you. It’s the mindset that whatever you’re going for, the goal is progress, not perfection.

The journey, not the destination.

When people think about change, they think about intervention.

You’ll eat less, lose 15 kilos, then that’s the end of it.

But it doesn’t happen like that, because change is a constant process. You’re always going to be changing something. And when you get done with changing one thing, there’s going to be something else that emerges, some other change that you’ll need to work on. Expecting this up front saves a lot of disappointment down the track.

Don’t pretend you have a different life.

This ties in to the earlier point – whatever you’re struggling with today – making a decision to change it doesn’t remove any of the elements in your life that make that thing a struggle today. You are always going to revert to the mean when it comes to motivation or optimism and you can’t expect that to change.

Picture yourself making changes in the course of normal life, not in some idealized world in which you have more time, energy and motivation. That place doesn’t exist.

As I would say: “Your future self doesn’t exist. As long as there is no future you. All that exists is a series of present selves, all shirking responsibility and assuming versions of themselves that don’t exist will solve their problems. “Start now.

Equally, the best time to start the process was yesterday. The next best time is now. It won’t be easier after your vacation, or when you move to the new house, or when you get the new job… it will be just as hard and you will have less time to make the change.

So start now, no matter how inconvenient the circumstances might be.

Expect disruption.

Every month, you should expect that 1 in every 4 days will be impacted by sickness, injury, travel for work, personal travel, or an intervening event like a hangover, a soccer championship, a wedding or a hen’s night.

The most under-rated change skill you can develop is the ability to plan in and around those constraints.

Expect failure.

You have to be ready to fail multiple times as you try to make something stick. Failing isn’t a sign to stop; it’s a sign to try again. This time with more information about what works and what doesn’t.

That’s not how it works when it comes to change. In changing, you will encounter so much ‘do not’ that the only thing that matters is ‘try’.

Remove guilt.

Remove the guilt from change. If you fail, start again. Guilt and shame are HUGE wastes of energy. Remove all your negative emotions around change, forget all past failures and just try again. Every other approach is inefficient.

Be patient.

You will grossly overestimate your ability to change. Really. You want to underestimate and then over deliver. Not the reverse.

That’s a really good proxy for how most change happens. It takes much longer than we want to admit.

Live through the seasons.

Your changes will come in seasons. It’s rare they’ll last for more than 3 months without starting to feel stale… So you’ll want to keep this in mind you’re not changing forever, just for a short time and then you will get focused on something else.

Note, this isn’t the case for the ones that are fully breaking down and who are too stubborn to change they will fall back into bad habits and old addictions like smoking and drinking.

\You are Superman or woman.

You are Superman. You have endless lives. You get reborn every time you decide to try again. So don’t be afraid to try and fail.

 The Old Sailor,

Before there was e-mail, Facebook or anything on the Internet

Dear Bloggers,

Due to a situation at home I did not come to writing a blog last month and I feel pretty awful about it as writing is something I normally do to get my thoughts organized. It made me think about my younger days when I still was a boy. I met the most fabulous girl at my dad’s pony stable and she straight away swept me of my feet. Due to the fact that she lived in Germany we decided to become pen pal. 

And we have been writing for many years and we became real good friends. We paid each other visits and we gave small presents Somehow I did things terribly wrong and the friendship was lost until a reconnection was there through Facebook. And I am so happy to have a little bit of contact again. Even we never had anything as in a relation she was one of the first girls in my live where I could share everything with and it developed me as a guy to do things with my heart and my mind. I am still thankful that she opened my soft side. And I am not afraid anymore to write about my feelings 

Before computers and e-mail…a lot of people actually wrote honest letters. And as in my own case sometimes from foreign countries. The newspapers had a special column for this. The Exchange Column invited readers from everywhere in the world to write a letter, expressing their interests. Generally, along with your name and address, you included your date of birth and your wedding anniversary date, the names and ages of your children, as well as your hobbies and collections.

When I began thinking about those days. I wondered – What happened to all of those Press publications? An Internet search revealed that there are still some pen pals as most of them are writing now by email and became key pals The idea of a magazine devoted primarily to pen-pals appears to have fallen by the wayside, overtaken, perhaps, by today’s computer generated email and chat rooms. (However, I was amused to discover in an Internet search on Google.com, an article written by a young woman who happened to discover an old pen pal who became a famous writer, she and some friends started up a monthly publication they call “Old Friends” which was based on their past. The author wrote, “I liked the old way sitting at home reading letters and writing back on them and I was intrigued by the way the community had different minded individuals scattered across the world who looked forward each month for new letters about what happened in their lives…” So, it seems, the memory and ideas of “The good old days” live on.

Go back with me, in time, and let me share with you how things were before email came along.
I began writing to her (My German pal she wrote in German amd I wrote in Dutch) in the mid-1980s. Specifically, I think I “discovered” myself in the summertime of 1986. I think I began finding the writer in me, as my letters were still not the best ones if it comes to grammar but I wrote to her in an honest way not knowing what to do with my feelings. So I did a lot of silly things in life to find about myself. Around that same time, I became interested in collecting and reading books. Simultaneously, a friend of mine told me about doing a cultural study at an institute and had to read a lot of classics. I that period I read classic books like Shakespeare but also lighter classics on the Second World war in Australia thanks to her I got interested in the opinion of other people that was what she was searching for.

“I bet I know where we can find it!” I told her. I wrote a letter to an Aussie friend, asking for the book Australian women at war, offering to pay cash. As an afterthought, I added that I was interested in buying/exchanging old classic books. Little did I suspect what an avalanche of mail would fill my mailbox when my letter was sent! I received over 25 books. I purchased several of the books and I began buying/trading for many other books which formed the nucleus of my book collection. And I have to tell you something that I think it was pretty spectacular. I was never “cheated” or short-changed by anyone. Even more spectacular were the friendships that I formed, as a result of that one letter, although none of them still exists to this day.

One of the first letters I received was from another book collector, a woman who lived in Brisbane. Betsy and I both young people at the time have remained pen-pals for 4 years, while we grew up, got married, and had children of our own. 

Another pen-pal acquired in the late 80s was my friend Penny (I will use Penny as a fictive name as I try not to harm any one's life.although I informed the person about this story that I wrote, if there would be any mistakes or what so ever I can correct them.) , who lives in the South of the Netherlands. I first met Penny in 1988, on my late summer vacation in Benidorm in Spain. We spent a night at Penny’s hotel room and I was sent on my way the next morning with a bagful of thoughts and a great night of special escapades during that night. What I remember most about that visit was my first reaction when I arrived home again with a feeling of being hung-over and I realized that this was just another summer love. I was so heart broken by this girl. I saw her again in the fall during the after party but there was nothing left of those feelings. 

The downside to having pen pals, if there is a downside, is that sometimes letters stop coming both of these friends had become older and had a life of their own with children or having many health issues…like me or perhaps there is nothing left to write about to their pals and to tell you what had happened to them.

Before everyone owned a computer and Internet services flooded the market we had the Local Newspapers and Popfoto a magazine for youngsters. The concept of Popfoto, at that time, was to offer bulletin boards to which you could write, asking for friends, interviews with pop artists, whatever problems you had   write them about. It was through Popfoto that I became acquainted with new people but that was soon to change. Eventually, Popfoto would be overcome by AOL, Yahoo, Juno and the dozens of other Internet services which have changed our lives so drastically. I think the one greatest thing about the Internet is that it has brought so many of our family members and friends back together again. By using Hyves, Twitter and Facebook. I find a lot of people from my past by using those media sites
Somehow the pen pals slipped slowly from my radar. But the friendships forged by these pals have remained an integral part of my life. Yours too, I hope.

And now we have the Internet…Facebook and blogs, such as this one of mine, Old Sailor 2007. But there is still much to be said for the art of writing letters, of finding letters and cards from all over the world in your mailbox. Much nicer than finding only bills and flyer's in the mailbox! And if you are someone still interested in pen pals and actual correspondence, may I suggest just talk to strangers and give it a try you never know what happens. All because of being pen pals!

For those of us who grew up with pen pals in our lives. Sometimes pen pals come into your life and stay forever while others may come and go. I am reminded of my German pen pal I had while I was living life on the wild side. She attended still in high school in Dusseldorf while I attended at jobs offered by temp’s offices. I lost contact with her after she was graduating from high school. But oh, the joy, over the years, of exchanging letters,  photographs and sometimes small gifts with a pen pal so far away email on the Internet may fill some of the void but I have to tell you, I still get a thrill finding real letters in my mailbox.

Before Email….all we had were letters – and even though I am still a fan of handwritten letters, I also became a digital writer, I have to admit computers have greatly broadened our horizons.

The Old Sailor,

Growing Older

Dear Bloggers,


When I was young, 21 was the official age of adulthood. Yes, you could get married before then and young men had to join the military when they reached the age of 18, but that 21st birthday was when the world accepted and recognized you as a grownup.

And I desperately wanted to be a grownup. As I've mentioned here in the past, I was deeply disappointed when I woke on my 21st birthday in 1989, and did not suddenly know the answers to all life's existential questions.
Equally discouraging that day was that I felt no more like an adult than I had the day before.

Although I'd had my own banking account for four years by then, I was angry with myself for still being secretly proud that I knew how to write a check and balance the account each month. By then, I thought, I should be so practiced that it would be no more a big deal than dialing a telephone number.

And even though I had been working all those same four years, I was unhappy that I was afraid of my boss as I had been terrified of my dad all of my younger life. I know that haven't been the sweetest young lad. Grownups didn't feel that way, at least that was what I believed then.

At about that time, when I was buying several drinks one day because having a party was still fun at that age, the cashier held up the vodka I had selected and said, “Honey, you are way too young for this.”

I could feel myself blush, embarrassed because I so wanted to be a grownup and a real grownup had called me out. I still believed then that grownups were always right and I ached for it to be my turn to be right.

It irritated me that whenever I accomplished something new, something real adults seemed to do as a matter of course, my pride in myself overflowed. Booking an airplane trip the first time. Getting my first credit card (very hard for regular “folks” in those days). Registering to vote and then not having a clue what to vote for on election day.

It shouldn't be that way, I thought. I should be as comfortable with myself now, as an adult, as I was with being a child. I never thought then that I was faking being a kid; I just was.

But even getting married when I was 29 seem too grownup for how I felt yet - that I was still pretending to be grown up. But by the time I left my wife for going to sea again a few years later, believe me, I felt plenty grown up.
And that is my point. However much I wished to be an adult at a certain age, it doesn't happen that way. The transition from teenager to adult takes growing into over a period of time.

And now I'm pretty sure that at the other end of life, time is required again to become comfortable in one's old age.
Even if we accept that we've reached the beginning of old age, by 60 or so, many of us are not able anymore to make the internal transition to it than the days we felt like grownups at 21.

I became 45 last year when I first realized I was decades older than everyone, I worked with and translated that into knowing that yes, I really do get old, in fact I already am doing so. And I wondered what it would feel like just as 25 or 30 years earlier I had wondered what being a grownup felt like.

It's taken people around me that have retired nearly 20 years to settle into old age and I'll do it with as many fits and starts as growing into adulthood.
What I first noticed, in the youth of my old age, was that people treated me differently. It probably wasn't but it seemed sudden that at work, I was no longer automatically included when groups of colleagues, all younger now went out for drinks at the end of the day. They somehow forgot to invite the “old”guy.

I knew it was something age-related as, I could no longer keep up with the youngsters. At about the same time, a friend arranged for me to meet a certain women that I admired during the days that I was also single. I was surprised when I talked to her how old he looked; But she was only three years older than me.

More and more frequently, I was happy to stay home on Friday and Saturday evenings. It hadn't been so long before then that I had thought of myself as a social failure without a party on a weekend.



And as I was so angry at age 21 to feel a secret pride in little accomplishments that I believed adults handled with aplomb, now I was annoyed with myself for feeling superior to a couple of older men in my neighborhood who “behaved” much older than I did even though we were born within two or three years of one another. But they had trouble with handling things on a computer. Nowadays I'll ask my daughter to help me with the unknown worlds behind facebook and smart phones.

Curious about what was happening to me and how my life would be different as I got older, I began researching aging. Back then, before the boomers began turning 60, there was almost no popular media about aging that was positive. Mostly they ignored everything about life after 55 or 60.

The amount of information about old age has improved since then (although not necessarily the negative attitudes) I've settled into being older in a way that is similar to having gradually grown into adulthood so long ago.
It took me a very long time to understand that it's a journey getting to old age just as it was getting from childhood to adulthood.

A piece of Shakespeare's play, The Tempest, can never be analyzed because

”...for every time it is read it speaks with a different voice to each individual reader. Indeed, on that same reader it's impact changes with each new reading – and particularly at different phases of his growth into maturity and old age.

“This of course is true only for those who continue to grow old and do not merely sink into the aging process or attempt to delay it.”

I'm working on it, I'm trying.

The Old Sailor,

If your partner is breaking down at work

Dear Bloggers,

It has been awhile as last year didn't finish that good for all of us. That is also the only reason that I haven't been very active on writing on my blog. I apologize and hope that I will find a little more time to share my stories. Today I will write about the hassle that my spouse has with her direct manager. Who turned all of a sudden a nice working environment into a hell gate. It all started approx. A half a year ago as it was time for the annual assessment. She somehow was not doing it right according to her manager and she needed to write a coachingsplanning for that. So I helped her out with making the planning. But her boss then does nothing with this planning and put it aside. It was probably too much work for him.

 

For many weeks she has skirted, danced, boggled and boogied around it and kinda explained why it happened but never really gone into much “depth” as in: what happened, how it happened, how it felt. So I got bored, I have a few hours, am tired of talking to my wife and that is why I am gonna blabber here for a while. As my wife is sleeping as she is tired and feels very empty. Our conclusion is a work burnout or even a “nervous breakdown”?
You could also call it an emotional breakdown or perhaps a mental breakdown, but in essence a “breakdown” has occurred when someone becomes unable to deal with normal day-to-day life.

It can be ignited following a particular trauma, a series of events, or can even happen randomly and out of the blue with no precipitating identifiable cause.
“Nervous breakdown” isn’t even a medical term because a breakdown is far more easily accepted than bipolar, depression or anxiety; it is stigma at work!
A breakdown generally occurs when your circuits become overloaded. Your brain, heart, soul, emotions whatever you are under so much stress that they short circuit, and then shut off, and then you can’t find a nice clean unbroken fuse to mend them.

A manager who brings you down so much that he was discussing with her to quit her job which set in motion a chain of events which would cause her to lose her income, her best friends and all of this happening whilst she was suffering from a new kind of medication for her lungs. As her asthma is becoming a pretty serious physical illness which could have killed her if there would have been no intervention.

I think any one or two of those things could have the power to trigger a breakdown, but to have so many stressful emotional events hitting you when you are already physically, mentally and emotionally devastated from your asthma and a boss that's on your neck. Will get you into a breakdown doesn’t surprise me.

Let me try to explain to you what happened.
The day my spouse realised something was seriously wrong was the Tuesday she spent working with a coachingsperson that gave her the last emotional hit and then she snapped. She totally lost it and was on an obvious level for several hours before sitting down with her boss. Who was telling her that she did not belong here as she was worse than a new trainee it was like she was stinged with a flaming stick. Now I had wanted to phone someone at this point, I knew something was brewing and I was worried as this will not be a happy ending. 
 

She spent the next day glued to the bed, unable to move, she came out of bed as she had to get the kids to school and she evaded the actual events which had happened the day before. I thought that by reading and over thinking them I would be able to forget them. I would be able to make her forget about this nasty thoughts. She was browsing on her mobile phone all day to find a solution for all her problems. I told her it is better really to speak to someone. 


On the Wednesday she crawled to the job again, on the Friday I saw her totally crashing and I played the psychologist again, on the Saturday she fled into painting the walls.
After that week the specific days have become blurry, everything is just a mess in her mind. I know I know that she fought herself I know she has tried to rebuild her life, I know I played the occasional psychologist, I know I tried to do anything and everything that I could to fight what was happening to her and help her to get our lives back to something that we were able to enjoy.

Her decision making capacity was shot to fuck, her conversational ability had gone; (and yes she normally talks a …..lot.) anxiety, depression, were showing itself more and more The fact she had overcome all of this only a few months before contributed to the continuation of her depressive episode with her lungs!

I don’t think anyone can truly understand what having a breakdown feels like unless they have experienced one. Like depression and burn out “breakdown” is an overused word and does not in any way fully describe the pain and torment your mind is constantly under. You literally cannot function on a normal day-to-day level; your body is besieged with physical pain and your mind is engulfed with the sort of emotional pain I would never wish on anyone.

Relationships and Friendships following a breakdown…
One of the hardest things she had to deal with was being told repeatedly that who she thought were her friends were not really her friends (an example of being isolated by her abuser) and wouldn’t be there for her. Thus she was unable to talk to them about what she was going through as she was afraid of pushing them away which was inevitably going to happen anyway and so had to fight her breakdown alone.
 
After a breakdown your self confidence and self worth will be virtually non-existent, thus your ability to retain friendships and relationships will be put under further strain. As you are not thinking clearly your actions may cause harm to those people you care about, even if it is inadvertent, so you may need to apologise for anything which happened during the breakdown and work on rebuilding those friendships.
Although you will need to work out whether the problem was caused by you, or by them, if it was their problem they will need to find a way to deal with it as you should not have to accept responsibility.

At this moment she can’t sit here and talk about friendship really, At the moment she doesn’t have any, and as she is still fighting her breakdown. I cannot give profound advice on healing rifts and repairing damage.
I will say however that, like everyone, a show of kindness and love can help someone who has suffered from a breakdown. We all want to feel loved, we all need kindness, to help us get by.

Can you overcome a nervous breakdown?
The breakdown my wife experienced earlier was absolutely the most painful, distressing, chaotic and fear inducing period of her life. She literally just couldn't think straight in any way, her brain shut down and wasn’t functioning on any level. It was a constant daily fight to get through each conversation, each hour, each day. And that is pretty exhausting.

The road to recovery following a nervous breakdown is hard work, it could take you anywhere from 6 months to 3 years to fully recover. It can be done however, it’s not going to be easy, pretending it isn’t there won’t help but just cause longer term problems, it’s going to be painful, destructive and the hardest fight of your life.
But it can be done, never lose hope of that.

As City to city sings: The road ahead is empty
It's paved, with miles of the unknown
Whatever seems to be your destination
Take life the way it comes, take life the way it is

The Old Sailor,