What is it all about is it love or commitment

Dear Bloggers,

One of my good friends revealed to me a few months ago: "I love my wife, but I cannot help thinking of other women. I even had an affair with a work colleague and I feel terrible about it. What is wrong with me? Why do I find other women desirable and, at the same time, love my wife more than anything?"


My answer to my friend was that there is nothing wrong with him - physically. There is nothing wrong with him, because he is a human being, and by nature, we, human beings, are constantly physically attracted to the opposite sex. This feeling of attraction may be weak when we are in the "hot phase" of our new relationship, but normally it claws its way back to our brain with a vengeance when the physical peak of the relationship has passed. I also told my friend that this feeling is nothing to be ashamed of, even if it feels contradictory that we can be exclusively in love and have non-exclusive feelings of physical attraction at the same time.

My friend was now confused and he asked: "Are you telling me then that there is nothing wrong about these feelings of physical attraction in a brain of a happily married or otherwise committed person"? My answer was yes, that's exactly what I am saying. I explained that I believe these feelings are something we cannot really have control over and there is nothing abnormal about the fact that women find other men attractive and men desire other women, even if they are simultaneously in love with their partners. This is how humans were designed and we cannot reprogram our brain to completely ignore a beautiful woman or a handsome man walking by. We can pretend that we don't see anything, but our preprogrammed brain tells us to watch.

My friend looked relieved, like the guilt was shifting from him to the designer of the human mold. Like he was just doing something nature had programmed him to do.

I continued and explained that this realization of constant physical attraction is just the other side of the relationship coin, the easy part. The more difficult side of the coin is the mental side, the side that can overrun or yield to the physical side, depending on the strength of the mental side of an individual coin. This side draws the difference between faithfulness and unfaithfulness. Thus, once you have acknowledged the fact that you are capable of being happily in a relationship and still physically attracted to other people, the center of gravity turns to the mental side of the coin, to the human side. This side offers you an opportunity to choose between your priorities: what is more important to you, a relationship and commitment, or your physical needs and attractions.

It may well be that your answer to the above question is the latter; your physical needs weigh more than a committed relationship with one partner. This may be the case even if you have a very strong mental side on your coin. It could be that you simply are not ready to be committed just yet. It could be that you want to see and experience more before you jump into something permanent, something that feels more restricted than a life with open options. And, that is fine. You have every right to feel that way. You have every right to be a single woman or a man and never be ready for commitment. Some people are never ready for a relationship and that is the way they want it.

However, things become different when you enter into a serious relationship and truly promise your partner to be a faithful and trustworthy companion. You make a promise to your partner that you are ready for her or him and ready to be committed, ready to live a life with just one partner, a life without open options. This is a choice, a sacrifice you make voluntarily yourself. You trade your life of open options with a life of partner-stability, trust and companionship. You acknowledge that the life of open options will end, but regardless of this acknowledgement, you voluntarily enter into your new life. It is a conscious choice of two free people.

If you make this choice, you should be able to live by your commitment and the promise of faithfulness. Not because you are no longer attracted to other people, but because of respect for your partner. You should be able to fight your physical needs and let the mental side of the coin prevail. Let the human side of the coin beat the physical, preprogrammed, side of you. The choice is yours, because even if your brain may be reprogrammed to feel the sexual attraction, we humans are also blessed with a mind that is conscious and capable of breaking free from the default settings of our brain. This is an amazing power and something that separates us from the rest of the creatures on this planet.

The physical side however is a tough opponent and doesn't always go away without a fight. It plays games with your mind and tries to win you over. It may make you juggle between a serious relationship and various affairs and flings. It may make you believe that keeping a partner and simultaneously having affairs is a good way to secure the best of both worlds: having a loving partner and a wild sexual adventure, all at the same time. However, don't be fooled by the seemingly strong physical side of the coin. You can beat it if your mental side is strong enough. You are at the end of the day the one who lets the physical side prevail over the mental side.

Why do people so often choose to yield to the physical side? What makes unfaithfulness an attractive choice and worth the risks? Can the reasons be traced and blamed on a society where affairs sometimes are quietly accepted and treated as a normal, inevitable, course of life? Are we unfaithful because of the following reasons: "we only live once", "everybody is doing it", "I was in a different country", "I had too much to drink", "I was on a conference trip" or because "it was just my ex"? Do we really know the real reason for our unfaithfulness? Can we accept the fact that the reason for unfaithfulness really comes to one thing and one thing only: lack of respect for our partner.

Lack of self-discipline and weak backbone are the evil cousins of disrespect. An unfaithful partner wants to keep the options open but is not courageous enough to try it out as a single man or woman and risk some time alone when company is hard to find. He wants to play it "safe" and enjoy affairs and a happy marriage or a relationship and believes that he has found the winning combination. It certainly may sound like a winning combination, but is that really what it is. Can an unfaithful person look in the mirror and say to himself: I am unselfish, disciplined and courageous and I truly respect my partner?

I believe that respect is the very key when it comes to successful and long-lasting relationships. Both partners know that they are most likely capable of cheating, but respect keeps them from doing that. It may all sound overly simplistic, but the reason for unfaithfulness in an otherwise functioning relationship really comes to a one thing: lack of respect for your partner. Surely respect cannot be forced or implanted on anyone and there may be difficult circumstances, where there seems to be accepted reasons for unfaithfulness. Maybe one of the partners is completely uninterested in having sex, while the other is longing for a functioning sex life, or there is simply no love and respect left in the relationship etc.

However, the question in these situations should be, should I be in this relationship, rather than, should I be unfaithful to my partner.

Don't take me wrong, I am not judgmental and very well understand that people make mistakes and do things that they are not proud of. And, in extreme cases, partners even give their approval for affairs or prefer an open relationship all together. However, in a relationship where both partners expect faithfulness and trust, the unfaithful partner should understand the true reasons for his conduct. The cheating partner has agreed to make a commitment, but is not living up to his or her promise. He decided to choose one partner in order to have stability, trust and companionship, but because of lack of respect, backbone and his overriding selfish needs, cannot live up to his promise. It is hard to take the blame, but sometimes reality hurts. That's why it is called reality.

It can be a tough thing to swallow that you can only sleep with one person the rest of your life. It may be tough thing to swallow that sex has turned from a privilege to an obligation, or to a mere weekly/monthly act of killing the awkwardness of lacking physical contact. However, your commitment is still a conscious choice and a sacrifice, which you voluntarily made yourself. You may want to keep the options open, but then you need to keep the options open as a single man, not as a family man. And, if you don't want to be a single man, then be a family man, a respectful man. Show the backbone and self-discipline you have in you. Don't let the easy side of the coin prevail.

There is really no excuse for cheating on your partner and realizing this might just make your relationship happier and hopefully even prevent future missteps. I am not able to stop her thoughts about the perfect man, but these guys do not excisit unless they are ruthless players. I have seen to many relations gone bust do to a lack of interest in their sexlives, if she is taking it easy he is scanning for other options like watching porn or have an affair. Men are not very complex thinkers if it comes to the subject sex. The choice is yours, but if you want to keep the dark clouds out and life up to your commitment, give your partner the respect he or she deserves and expects. You expect the same.

The Old Sailor,

P.S. We should remember that we humans are all on the same boat of life and carry similar hopes, similar needs and similar dreams. We are all born with a need to be respected and loved. Born with a need to be someone. Someone successful. Someone decent.

driving an empty bus

Dear Bloggers,

This morning I had an epiphany about a difference in style between the two major jobs I’ve held. One style was driving an empty bus and the other was my time on board. That the busses are empty has to do with the summer holidays anyway this can be prtetty boring as I was used to work hard and long days. I am going to examine both as anecdotes from my perspective and try to avoid grandiose analysis.


The Empty Bus

So, I start the job and the first thing the company does is hand me the bus and give some instructions how to run it. Actually, they leave it to me and fully trust me with the material. However, once on the bus driving, I am pretty much on my own. I have a destination to reach that has been vaguely described on a scribbled piece of laminated paper. The directions are unclear and not all of them have been there before. They keep changing the directions as there are roadworks and it makes me wander if I will learn the right directions this way. But I get to drive. That is fun.

Everywhere it is empty

Every now and then, I pick somebody from the bus stop up, they make changes to my daily life as I have found someone to talk to. They do a lot of empty rides in the summertime, and that is such a shame as they have good offers you pay single fare for a return ticket. But I get to drive. That’s usually fun.

All in all, I am asked to develop my skills as a driver and with very little cooperation or directions I am improving. I am left on my own to make almost all the decisions. Even though I have weekly meetings with my mentor, I am not really given much feedback on whether I’m going the right way. He’s not a developer, he is like me just another driver so he doesn’t really know enough about what I do at the moment to give me useful feedback. My quarterly reviews aren’t very cooperative or helpful, they are more about the manager wishing that I would drive faster and make fewer mistakes (mutually exclusive goals when you think about it) so I will cost less money.

loads of space today

I nearly get into a wreck a couple times, but there’s no one on the bus to help me out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an excellent driver. I’m still learning, but some help should help things go faster in process, you’d think. The city of Groningen is not that easy to drive in with her narrow streets and sharp corners. Usually, though, my directions are so clear and well written down so they become difficult to follow that I am directed to get into wrecks as I need to do to much reading. This is not actually all that fun as time goes on.

The Ship

I know that there is no way back there and some journey’s could be boring. They sail around in circles from A to B and the other way round. On the other side of the water the doors pop open and an absurd number of hilarious characters hop out of the ship. This job is not quite like this. It’s actually more like a really crowded ferry in the summer and a ghost ship in some months of the winter, like the trip I took the other day with my wife and my two daughters there was space enough on the ship lthough it did not feel empty as you always met someone on your way. But now, imagine, that all of these people have a stake in where the ship goes and have a slightly role and different idea about how to go about getting there. Now, we’ve got a good analogy.

my last ship and loads of memories

The manager’s seat was next to mine and she gets in and out of the desk whenever she feels the need or when I ask her to. She’s a busy woman: lots of crew to help as some of them have trouble getting it, even some simple changes can make them run to her office. Usually, she gets in right before we dock which is a busy period together with the secretary we answer most of the queries and make the announcements over the public address system. We are carefully explaining things at those guests and point or sometimes even turn them into the right direction. Directly after docking we have to find drivers that did not show as they overslept or got lost. On the cardeck beneath me sits an officer whose job it is to navigate and discharge the cardecks to get them ready for the next run. He tells me by radio the license plate numbers in Nato alphabet and gives those instructions pretty regularly. Beside him there are the passengers that are waiting for the airbridge and have loads of quetions about what to expect and where to find the bus to the city. That’s annoying, but still fun.

my ''old'' working place

I get to work. As I mentioned, sometimes the job is heavy as I need to get ready for the next flow of passengers. Not many hours are left so let’s get started, visitors show up and like to talk to some of the officers and engineers who have their hand on the wheel and help push the pedals for me. This is pretty fun too, unlike the bus though, this actually gives us a lot more control. We seem to be getting places in a much more controlled way, though we do have to control our speed much more carefully. It might take us longer, but the sailing is fun along the way.

The old sailor in a new uniform as a bus driver

Unfortunately there is no chance to return to the ship and driving the bus is a lot of fun too. But a few more passengers would absolutely be a pleasure even a grumpy one would be fine. But what can I do it is summer holiday for most of us, that is why I got the job. That’s a bummer in some ways, not as much fun. I like control. And a busy day. Overall, this is more fun.

So far, I prefer the ship to the empty bus. It’s less bipolar and more slow, steady, and directed.
Unfortunenatly there is no point of return as my body cannot handle it anymore and busdriver is a nice job again when the schools will start again in a few weeks.

What to do during football madness

Dear Bloggers,


Gallons of beer, pounds of beer nuts and chips, gasshorns, and the vuvuzela ugly orange clothes, red white blue make up, strange hats, not to mention the oh so wonderful football music every idiot can sing along. All things that I really dislike as a anti-football fan is waiting for me. Nevertheless, we will be back to be believed, because the World Cup finals in 2010 are imminent. What should I do during this football madness tonight?

The land of the Orange people

Watching football with a friend or neighbor, what is always a feast. During the game there is no chance at all to change a word with him, but of course you do. If you walk by accident in front of the screen it sounds like the end of the worldl. No, not really ideal. Fortunately, there still is this outbreak, which is there when our team had scored. Then they suddenly screamed and ran out en masse. Hmm, the madness is getting more and more people in its grip.

Even Cartooninsts are spending time on it......Scary

The streets
One thing is certain, the days of the games many Dutch sat probably in front of the tube, whether it was with or without reluctance. The perfect opportunity therefore to go ahead undisturbed in the big cities and DIY shop. Not bothered by people who are behind you and bump into you or lengthy queues at the checkout counter. And another advantage: No one whines about football for most of those who were working were not hardcore fans.

Also cardealers are going nuts

Orange Fashion
Do you want it,have a little go with the football and the madness. “Viva Hollandia” mentality, then you go bananas in terms of clothing. For while actually orange which is one of the most avoided colors, you can go fully mad during the World Cup. And you will go totally with these lovely bright color. Spray your hair orange, paint your nails, orange makeup and paint some Dutch flags here and there, and nobody will look at you funny.

Yes football can be a nice sport once in a while

If you see it no other way than be at home on the couch and try to understand a little sbout football. That way you will not unnecessarily interfere with a lot of questions like:” What is offside anyway?”. And come, for loss or tie, but not least, encourage the National team:and don’t come down with the downer “It's only a game” because that will certainly bring up a zero atmosphere. A little easier, you just go with the crowd and share with the celebration or sorrow and see how it will turn out tonight.

The Old Sailor

Holiday Debt?

Dear Bloggers,


Yes I know that my blog is late but I had to work this weekend therefor my blogs might become a little less frequent. As I have to take care of myself I was not able to write earlier. I had a deep conversation about the summer holiday with one of my passengers. We did not go to a foreign country when I was young and when my parents had a good year we did go to a theme park. But I never had the feling that my holiday was worse then anyone else in my class. And I grew up in a tourist place.

It shocked me that people will put themselves in debt for a holiday and all because of the fact that they have to show off to the neighbors and friends. I think that it is sad that you live a higher standard then you are able to afford. There is nothing wrong with a smaller house or a smaller car. I am amazed how stupid my generation has become.

For parents with children going to school the summer holiday is likely to leave them with further debt. Costs for food, caretakers, entertainment, and holiday trips will all add expense to an already stretched budget for many families.

Up to 36 per cent of parents with children at school say they will end up in debt at the end of the summer holiday. Also predicted that a larger number of families will struggle already during this summer.

Research shows the apparent willingness of families to go into debt to cover the cost of the summer holidays. Worryingly 4 per cent will even borrow the money from a doorstep lender offering “quick fix” loans and risk owing a huge amount of interest.”

While many are reporting they will borrow money or go into more debt pulling from other personal funds, many are going to be doing without. Children will have to accept not attending theme parks, traveling, or even attending the cinema. More than 40 per cent of parents reported they would not be able to afford a theme park, 19 per cent would not be able to afford the cinema, and 10 per cent would not be able to afford for their children to go swimming.

Besides doing without or borrowing funds, 16 per cent admitted they would add debt to a credit card, 14 per cent will use their overdraft and 8 per cent will borrow from family.

Experts have suggested that families should attempt to stay within their financial means, and look for creative ways to spend time together that will not lead to more debt.

The Old Sailor,

Keepng the cars from the city

Dear Bloggers,

As a bus driver I also need to drive in the city of Groningen to get students into the right directions from Central Station to the biggest student campus you have to drive straight through the city and I must say that this is not the easiest job as bicycles are passing you on all sides and you have to try not to kill any of them. The streets are pretty narrow but there are not many cars on these roads as they are only available for busses and taxis and of course bikes are allowed here as well. I must say it is quite a challenge to drive in a city that you only know from the outskirts. The city itself is famous for its one way traffic so it is easier to walk or bike if you want to go shopping. The big shopping malls for construction, gardening and furniture are on the outside of the city and have plenty of parking space.

In Groningen, the Netherlands' sixth largest city, the main form of transport is the bicycle. Sixteen years ago, ruinous traffic congestion led city planners to dig up city-centre motorways. Last year they set about creating a car-free city centre. Now Groningen, with a population of 170,000, has the highest level of bicycle usage in the West. 57% of its inhabitants travel by bicycle - compared with four per cent in the UK.

'57% of its inhabitants travel by bicycle '

The economic repercussions of the programme repay some examination. Since 1977, when a six-lane motorway intersection in the city's centre was replaced by greenery, pedestrianisation, cycleways and bus lanes, the city has staged a remarkable recovery. Rents are among the highest in the Netherlands, the outflow of population has been reversed and businesses, once in revolt against car restraint, are clamouring for more of it. As Gerrit van Werven, a senior city planner, puts it, 'This is not an environmental programme, it is an economic programme. We are boosting jobs and business. It has been proved that planning for the bicycle is cheaper than planning for the car.' Proving the point, requests now regularly arrive from shopkeepers in streets where 'cyclisation' is not yet in force to ban car traffic on their roads.

'Businesses, once in revolt against car restraint, are clamouring for more of it'

A vital threshold has been crossed. Through sheer weight of numbers, the bicycle lays down the rules, slowing down traffic, determining the attitudes of drivers. All across the city roads are being narrowed or closed to traffic, cycleways are being constructed and new houses built to which the only direct access is by cycle. Out-of-town shopping centres are banned. The aim is to force cars to take longer detours but to provide a 'fine mesh' network for cycles, giving them easy access to the city centre.

Like the Netherlands nationally, Groningen is backing bicycles because of fears about car growth. Its ten-year bicycle programme is costing £20m, but every commuter car it keeps off the road saves at least £170 a year in hidden costs such as noise, pollution, parking and health.

Cycling in Groningen is viewed as part of an integral urban renewal, planning and transport strategy. Bicycle-friendly devices seen as exceptional in the UK - separate cycle ways, advanced stop lines at traffic lights, and official sanction for cyclists to do right hand turns at red lights - are routine.

New city centre buildings must provide cycle garages. There are tens of thousands of parking spaces for bikes, either in 'guarded' parks - the central railway station has room for over 3000 - or street racks. Under the City Hall a nuclear shelter has been turned into a bike park.

"We don't want a good system for bicycles, we want a perfect system", says Mr. van Werven. "We want a system for bicycles that is like the German autobahns for cars. We don't ride bicycles because we are poor - people here are richer than in England. We ride them because it is fun, it is faster, it is convenient."

Following Groningen's van

Groningen undoubtedly leads the way in the 'cyclisation' of Europe's cities, but many others are putting two wheels in motion to follow its example. In Germany and the Netherlands in particular, where car culture and the Green movement have both made significant impacts, many cities are building on their provision for bikes. The UK, where transport policy priorities are still dominated by motor vehicles, rather lags behind Groningen's van.

No other European city can match Groningen's record, where fiftyseven per cent of all trips around the city are on bikes, but in quite a few the ratio is rising to a third or more. Delft and Munster now have 41 per cent, and Freiburg's 27 and Heidelberg's 22 per cent are only the leading examples for what is becoming a trend across the continent.

Uniting these cities is a dual commitment on the part of central and city planners to discourage cars and to encourage bikes. Amsterdam, along with 30 other Dutch cities, for instance, voted to eliminate motor vehicles from their city centres in 1992. The Norwegian cities of Oslo, Trondheim and Bergen levy a toll on all cars entering the town centre.

Matching the disincentives for car drivers are carrots for cyclists, such as Bremen's designation of certain streets as bikes-only zones, or Denmark's provision of cycle lanes on three quarters of its roads.

Such legislative commitments do seem to be the key in getting citizens to kick the car habit. Tthe cost of the 'motorised society'. Traffic jams cost about £15 billion simply in terms of delayed deliveries and time that is wasted.

New roads, the maintenance of old ones and administration cost £6 billion. Noise pollution, racks up a further £2.1 billion in lost productivity, medical care and depressed property values, and other kinds of pollution waste another £3 billion. Road accidents, in grim addition, soak up another £5 billion.

For the moment such striking statistics have failed to steer British transport policy away from its infatuation with road building as the solution to traffic congestion, and it will be some time yet before London charts on Bicyclist magazine's top five world biking cities. In 1993 this featured Tianjin, Copenhagen, Harare and Seattle. Straight in at Number One, perhaps predictably, was Groningen

The Old Sailor,

Father's day is today

Dear Bloggers,


Here’s to all of the dads who understand that the key ingredient to being a great dad is showing up, no matter what. It seems like such a simple and obvious task. Just be there when your child needs someone to talk to or when there’s a flute concert or when there’s a football practice and they asked the parents to be there.

But, if you’ve shown up at any of these events you know from the empty seats how often it doesn’t happen. There are so many great and worthwhile excuses like having work that no one else could do or at least sending your spouse or maybe even a even worse excuse. The average person would nod their head in agreement with each one of them and say, well, you tried.

However, parenting is not about you.

Most people get that in a general sense because particularly when the child is small, they obviously need us to focus. At first, everything about being a new parent is exhausting and makes the head spin because it’s all so new, it’s necessary and there’s really no choice if the job is to be done even halfway right.

I remember when my daughter, Frédérique was brand new and I drove by a café where my friends were sitting outside, laughing and chatting. I wanted to stop and join them but Frédérique needed my attention and that came first. That was the moment I knew things had changed forever and I just needed to give in and do it.

But here’s an added twist.

In order to achieve greatness we have to be willing to show up and believe it’ll all work out. We get that belief in doses every time a parent shows up for us. That goes double when we know they had to put something else aside in order to be there, in that seat.

All of us want our children to reach beyond what seems possible or easy and go for what challenges them, what brings out their talents and then tests the boundaries at least a little. We’ve learned by now that that’s where the real rewards are waiting but if you can’t risk it and show up, your chances of finding it go way down.

That’s the exact spot where it comes in handy if you had a dad who went beyond what seemed easy or convenient and just showed up without wondering what was in it for them. They were there fitting in to the small desk or at the dinner table or standing on the sidelines and they were cheering for your success.

You wade out again into the choices and believe in the possibilities of what might be there because you have a great dad who showed up and believed in you even though you were blowing the wrong note during the flute concert or were distracted by fireflies during an outdoor game.

Dads are great at being open to the idea that your greatness is still evolving and chasing fireflies might be a part of the bigger picture.

When our children are grown up, it’s even about showing up to say nothing at all and encouraging our children to need us less because we know they now have all the tools that they need to build their own dreams. To all of you, whose great dad has passed away, may we live our lives in a way that honors their humor, their passion and their beliefs in us. Happy Father’s Day everyone!

The Old Sailor,

My world of soccer

Dear Bloggers,

Don't get me wrong if I say that I do not like soccer or as we call it football in Europe. It is just not my kind of game and I find it still hard to understand that people enjoy watching 22 overpaid guys chasing a ball. Maybe it is me that I am not gay enough to watch a bunch of running men? I have always been surprised by the effect that soccer has on the average Joe, who is in daily life a bankclerc or a headmaster, an IT specialist or even a bus driver. As all of a sudden after two beers the fully have lost their sanity and act like Harry the caveman. (including their vocabulary.)

For me these are hard times as the coming month I will be saddled up with soccer idiots. I think it’s fine that you support your national team but do we need to behave like morons? I like the way of dressing up and I do not hate a glass of beer. What I dislike is the loud and stoneage sounds that some people produce when they score a goal. Some people do not understand that you have to get up the next day to go to work. And I my job you need to concentrate as you have the most precious cargo on board.

I will watch the games when I am free, but I will not call in sick or take a day of for it. As we know by soccergames there will be hundreds of reruns afterwards if something “important” has taken place. And yes I will wear something orange too. If it comes too dressing up for sports events we prefer wearing orange in style of our Kingdom. Even our crown prince is wearing orange in these days.

It’s one of those weird, unexplainable things when a nation’s colors aren’t really what they seem. Technically, the Netherlands national colors are red, white, and blue, but that’s not how the Dutch see it. Orange is the national color in their eyes because the royal family once owned the principality of Orange. What do the principality of Orange and the color orange have to do with the each other? Not a damn thing.

Even though the occurrence is fortuitous, the Dutch have a strong-hold on the color orange and wear it whenever the chance presents itself. I had the privilege of being in Amsterdam for Queen’s Day a few years ago, where I got to experience the wrath that is this nostalgic phenomenon. For those of you who don’t know what Queen’s Day is, on this day the Queen is visiting a few cities in her Kingdom to celebrate her birthday with the people but on the other let’s just say it’s a day for drunken madness and selling your life away. Oh, and everyone’s wearing orange!

When asked to wear red, white, and blue, leave it to the Dutch to say, “Nah, I think I’ll wear orange!” It’s that sort of independent spirit that probably led to the invention of “Total Football.” I mean they didn’t want to go along with the national colors, so why go along with the same brand of soccer as the rest of the world? You have to love a nation that is passionate about the most forgotten color in the spectrum. It’s what makes them unique, and they know it. That’s why I like this jersey. You know who it is. There’s no second guessing.

Please let it be a good one as South Africa is not the safest country to play. But wouldn’t it be nice for them if the World Cup was played with no incidents. Let us hope that sportsfans will not turn into hooligans. I have seen quite a bit of the world an I must say it is a beautiful but poor country. And if you will not provoke them your chances are fair enough to get out alive.

Just don’t be surprised if the team holding the World Cup trophy likes the color orange too. There is only one way to find out.

The Old Sailor,

And they call it a feast.

Dear Bloggers,

We just finish today with our annual village festivities on fridaynight I had my night out and I got pretty wasted. When I was in the tent I had a pretty good time as we were close to the bar and the band was not that bad so beer was flowing quick enough to get hammered. But the influence of alcohol can do funny things to people as they let themselves go. I have been observing a few odd couples as they are related to other men. That is the good part of bringing your kids to school for a longer period. (I know all these wannabe the most beautiful mums and they are definitely not my cup of tea.)

It has been puzzling me for years why people especially wait for these feasts to come out with this kind of playing open game. As the next day you are the talk of the day. Is it that they go back on memory lane as most of the youngsters get there first relation during these days. The alcohol lowers the line of being too shy to ask your favorite boy are girl. But why people of my age do these things I really cannot figure it out. They blame it on too much drink but I do not believe that. Ok you are getting a bit more loose but the brain is still functioning in a random mode. My brain has been rattling the last 48 hours why people do this as they have a family with kids and they know that this will have consequences in the long run.

I had a go on the internet and figured the following things out. Recent studies have shown that around 45% of married women and 60% of married men are unfaithful at some time or another during their relationship. Infidelity can range from a one night drunken mistake to a long term, planned and calculated affair. Adultery doesn't have to mean the end, but is likely to have a long term impact on your relationship.

Some people are unfaithful for the thrill and excitement. Some people have affairs because they want to get out of the relationship and can't communicate that fact. Some even have affairs as a cry for help, an indication that something is seriously wrong in the relationship. Admittedly, being unfaithful isn't the best way to tell your partner that you are unhappy but it can be the wake up call that some relationships need.

Sometimes the very fact that a partner is unfaithful allows a couple to take an honest look at their relationship and work through their problems together - creating a stronger and more open partnership.

Why are people unfaithful?

• Lack of fulfilment in the relationship
• Fear of commitment or long term issues such as having children
• Need for more sex or sexual variety
• Need for excitement
• To build up self-esteem and feel desirable
• Lack of stable role model relationships when growing up (or as an adult)
• Inability to resist the advances of others
• Sexual addiction
• To make a partner jealous
• Fallen out of love
• Escape to a no strings, less complicated relationship
• Revenge
• Wanting out of the relationship but unable to communicate that fact

Here are some common signs that a partner has started an affair or is thinking of infidelity.

1. Have you noticed a change in sexual desire or habits? One partner suddenly wants more or less sex or starts asking for something that has never been a part of your sex life.
2. Has your partner suddenly started taking a great deal of care over their appearance? Are they going to the gym, wearing new make up or aftershave?
3. Do they smell different? Does your partner smell of someone or somewhere else, either perfume, aftershave or the pub.
4. Have they become more secretive? Your partner has become more defensive when questioned, changing passwords, hiding mail, credit card bills, or their mobile phone.
5. Are you experiencing strange hang up calls at home?
6. Have they become more irritated by you? Picking fights over the smallest things, less patient and dismissive.
7. Has your partner's lifestyle changed? They may have suddenly found new interests or taken up new hobbies. They may be out 3 or 4 nights a week, or have to work late a lot.
8. Have they suddenly started showering you with gifts or affection? This can be a sign of guilt.
9. Do they mention someone more frequently? In cases where you might know the person your partner may mention that person frequently - as though they are on their mind a lot.
10. Do you just have a feeling.......?

One of these signs alone rarely means your partner is being unfaithful. Bear in mind there can be other reasons for these changes such as stress at work or a resolution by your partner to improve themselves or your relationship.

Infidelity affects relationships deeply. It takes time to rebuild trust and decide whether you have a basis on which you can both move forward. If you have decided you can never forgive your partner then you may have to take the decision to separate or divorce. However, infidelity does not have to mean the end of a relationship. There can be life after unfaithfulness.

I think that I am pretty happy with my relationship although there might be some small issues here and there. At least i think that adultery is not worth it, maybe I am to good in explaining my needs to my partner who is not always on the same line then me. But for crying out loud I will not go out and shag someone else his wife. Eeeew most of them are not that pretty and being pissed is also not an excuse for me. I will need a hell lot of liquor to get my lights totally out. I hope that you don’t think that I am strange if it comes to these kind of things. As I do not see any plusses for me are anyone else, in my opinion it is a lose/lose situation.



The Old Sailor,

On the bus

Dear Bloggers,


When I finally past my test for safety reasons, I could tell my family that I had become a bus driver, my test was a mixture of disapproval and deep compassion. I had been a truck driver a few years ago. But driving these two machines are totally different things.

"Yes, good for you," they said, "and we are very sorry as you liked your old job so much. But in your case this it might be a good option in this economy, sometimes you just have to do what you have to do."

What was I expecting, a congratulatory handshake or a roaring crowd? After all, in just two short weeks, I had learned the difference between a cement truck and a city bus, and all the electronics and tickets that come with it. Learning how to deal with passengers is an easy job for me as I have a wide range of experience.

But how could I blame others for their ignorance towards bus drivers when I, too, had once basked in the luxury of a cozy office inside a ship? When I had to travel to or from the ship I needed sometimes to take the bus. And that has inspired me to get my licence as I might get an other job in the future. But due to my health I had to make this choice a lot earlier than I had planned.

"Driving a bus is a huge responsibility," said one driver, my first day on the job.

"We are carrying precious cargo," said another.

But the professionalism demonstrated by the Central Station of Groningen as you have to drive your bus through a very narrow alleyway. I can tell you that this is a real challenge for new bus drivers as it goes beyond simple straight forward driving. Keep your head cool and soon it will get easier. I think it is scarey driving a brand new bus of april this year. They actually trust you that you will take care.

But being a good driver means a hell lot more.When a kid leaves a lunchbox on the bus, if they can, they will return it. Otherwise it will be handed in at lost and found at the main terminal. If they spot a dangerous situation, they will warn the other drivers and their traffic controllers. But it goes even further.

"Every year, I worry that my son's bus driver won't be back the next year," one parent told me. "We count on him!" Unless someone could actually replace him. It is hard for the mentally disabled kids but things are changing and also bus drivers go on pension one day.

Some student walk a few extra blocks just to ride with her favorite driver. That is how different your public reacts.

So, from a rookie's perspective, thank you for the opportunity to be a part of a truly professional team. From a dad's perspective, thank you for taking such good care of our young passengers that travel on their own. And from the perspective of a unemployed homeowner, thank you for your immeasurable contribution to the community to give me the chance to do this job.

A uniform will come next week, so one more week in private clothing and it is complete.

The Old Sailor,

How to understand a womans way of thinking.

Dear Bloggers,


I will be probably in every female readers mind as sexist male, but that was not the idea when i started writing this and I did a fair amount of research before I would burn my fingers on this subject. I have tried to write it in the way that I think how womens minds are working. I came up with this after watching the movie "What women want." were he can hear what women think and he can give them the right answers. (wooh.................Spooky.) The movie is with a real die hard in the world of actionmovies Mel Gibson and starts of like we all know him as the ultimate alpha male (that is the same guy from Mad Max and Braveheart a few of my kind of movies.) but after a nasty fall with a hairdryer into the bathtub it really becomes scarey.

Let me start this part of this blog with a brief explanation of how women's hormones affect their sex drive. When the hormones start fluctuating up and down inside a woman's body it's not just some chemical change that goes unnoticed. It affects the way she thinks, the way she feels mentally as well as the way she feels physically. If a woman's hormones are out of whack she may feel like killing her husband for looking at her funny.

Let's talk about the effect children have on a woman's level of desire. Children are a joy to have and there are very few moms who hate being one, most are enthralled with the idea even before conception. Once kids arrive on the scene however, a woman's priorities change. Meeting you at the front door naked with the exception of pearls becomes secondary to making sure the kids are breathing properly at night. In other words while you might still be the hunka hunka hot love master in her life you are not who she thinks of first thing in the morning anymore. I completely understand how you as men might feel a little hurt by that but let me be perfectly honest here; we all know that when the household 16 month old is standing up in the crib banging on the side of it with a toy and has a poopy diaper drooping to his knees it's not going to be you that runs off to clean it up. It will be in most cases your wife that will concern herself with diaper rash and stinky bottoms, and if she doesn't think of these things first thing in the morning, who will? It does get better though, the kids do get older and more self reliant and eventually they won't need you at night time anymore.

So, now, if your wife isn't experiencing menopause, hormones are fine, the kids are older and you still aren't getting any then this part is most likely for you. Stop acting like Harry the caveman and remind her that you at one time had some manners.

Be nice. That's right I said it, be nice. Don't bother using the excuse, "well she's not nice to me." If you had to put up with the things I described in this article would you feel like being nice? Instead of coming home from work and dropping all your belongings by the door and hitting the beer take a few moments to pull her aside, away from the kids and just say hello. That ten second hello can change the rest of your wife's day, who knows you might just get lucky. It's hard to be nice to someone when you feel like you've been taken advantage of and that's what a lot of women feel like.

How to Get Some

Now that you understand why you haven't been having as much sex as you like, let me tell you how you can get it. There will be challenges along the way and your timing might be off but with a lot of practice you will eventually hit the target and get laid.

Do not assume your wife is thinking about sex while she's lounging in the tub. Chances are she's hoping that you aren't thinking about sex and that she's being treated to a wonderful night of kid free sleep. This is where you have to get crafty and be extremely sensitive to her moods. Tune in you big harry caveman and watch how she reacts to what you do. If at any time she sighs heavily, (and I do not mean while in throws of passion) acts as though she's tired or avoids intimacy at all, back off. You're pushing too fast and irritating her.

While she's lounging in that tub get yourself ready. Light the candles and put on some music you both enjoy. Turn down the bed and place the massaging lotion nearby. Spray the sheets with your cologne, the sense of smell heightens a woman's sex drive and that's what you're aiming for. Now grab a towel as soon as you hear the water draining from the tub and go in there and help her dry off. You're going to have to pay attention at the door and listen for the water because a lot of hotel rooms are soundproof and you may not hear it over the music. When you do step into the bathroom don't just lunge at her like you have never seen her naked before. Move in slowly and gently dry her off with the towel taking the time to plant loving kisses against her skin as you go. If she says stop, then stop and try another slower more gentle approach. If you're doing this right you'll know because she won't stop you and you'll be able to pick up on subtle clues that she's getting in the mood. You should notice her breathing getting a little shallower and depending on the location of the kisses her pulse may pick up. You can tell if her pulse picks up by kissing softly on the inside of her wrist. Notice how crafty that is? This, men, is how you learn to listen to your wife's body.

Once your wife is nice and dry treat her to champagne and brush out her hair. Don't roll your eyes at me either, women love it. It's pampering and all women love to be pampered. Why do you think we enjoy salons and spas the way we do? It's not just because we love to spend your money, although a lot of us do. At this stage of the game you should either be on the bed or a sofa depending on the hotel room you reserved. If you are on the sofa and are nowhere near the bed explore the possibilities of just making out. Making out is a great way to get things going because your wife will then understand that although she's being treated to a night out sex is expected if she's willing to go that far. It's also a way to break the monotony and do something in a strange place which can be a huge turn on. This tactic also gives you a slight advantage. If you are paying attention to what your wife's body is doing during this make out session then you'll know whether or not you're going to have sex before you even hit the bed.

At some point tear yourself away from your wife, or not, and move things to the bed. Remember the massaging lotion I told you to put near the bed? Now's the time big boy; break that baby out. Use it and I don't mean sparingly. Use the whole darn bottle if you want to but make it long, slow and luxurious. Use your body to massage her body, get creative and have fun. Rub her toes just as much as you would rub any other part of her body. Pay special attention to every part of her that you touch.

Don't forget to laugh. Some of the best foreplay is silly pillow talk. Try to remember what it was like before the kids and the mortgage. Bring back that sense of lightness to your relationship with laughter; it's sexy. Sex is supposed to be fun so stop taking yourself so seriously and just goof around like kids again. You should be getting some about now so put this article away and savor your wife.

It doesn't matter what stage you are at in life, no couple should have to endure a sexless marriage. There are things you can do whether it be a medical solution or a personal one, the key is to take the journey together and cherish the moments you do have together because the best thing you can do for your relationship is to keep the spark alive. That and get rid of Harry the caveman.

The Old Sailor,