Fibromyalgia and what it did to me

Dear Bloggers,

I was overthinking the times that Fibromyalgia was just coming into my life and I did have a pretty “normal” life. I was not a superman that did loads of sports I was just an average guy. From the age of 16 I got stiff fingers in the wintertime and I blamed it on the cold weather after a couple of years the stiffness of my fingers became a bit worse. It was not bathering me only working on the keyboard of my computer was hurting after a while. I had a good life and I was just a few years recovered after a nasty fall of the stairs which nearly killed me. After learning a lot of things again with help of my neurologist and a logopedist I could get back to work again. But then the first problems rose due to the costochondritis.



I was fairly active, working out regularly by riding my bicycle and going to the gym. I had just joined a Tae Kwon Do class and I was really enjoying myself. It happened very quickly – my wife was driving, we were heading towards the shop, shooting past the traffic in the other two lanes. Somehow my head could not follow and my hands just swelled up and almost immediately and the pain was atrocious! A trip to the doctor yielded no diagnosis. Still confused we left the doctors office but the pain was not fading. After a fw days I saw the doctor again in a pretty bad condition as also my legs gave up on me and the pain was heavier than before It was februari 2008.

I sometimes wonder if the woman who was the assistant of the rheumatologist ever thinks about the words she so carelessly spoke to me after I finally got out of the chair in the waiting area. "Well, It is hitting you hard as see how you get up and you’re walking like an old man." Does she think about where I might be today? Sure, she was a couple of years younger, and I wander if she was thinking could this happen to me as well in a couple of years. Question is if so did she also end up with chronic pain? Fibromyalgia has many different faces as some of us end up in a wheelchair using loads of medication, others like me have found a way to use step by step less medication and started working parttime in a less stressy job. Eventhough you still have bad days it does not effect your life so much anymore.

My doctor of internal diseases has tried everything. The cortisone shots were the worst. As the pain from my costochondritis was the worst and kept me from working. Six months later, I was still limping along using plenty painkillers and crying myself to sleep almost every night, tried a tense pulsing device which was working quite well in the beginning, still I was taking pain pills every four hours, defying the instructions to take them every eight hours. Finally, my doctor of internal diseases decided that the rheumatologist was the next step. I was 40 years old and preparing for my first long term sick leave, hoping to wipe away the pain and decrease the stress in my body. My job was my life and I could not imagine a life outside of the ship. There was still a lot of pressure on me as accepting this disease is not easy. I was pretty unhappy at the current time.



Getting Better

After three months of intensive and several therapies, I could barely walk for twenty minutes as the fatigue was taking over and I would fall into a deep sleep. I forgot everything even to pick up the kids from school, but the daily pain had been greatly diminished and I COULD walk without any painkillers. I didn't cry myself to sleep at night. A success story, if you asked me. I wasn't willing to settle for a live on the shore as the ship was my life, though. I went to the gym every day and walked on the treadmill – slowly at first and not for very long, but gradually worked my way up to running for five minutes. I felt great.

Still not enough, I was trying hard to get back into shape but during one of my bike rides my body fully gave up on me. Before the event, I had talked to my doctor about getting in motion as much as I could and get to talk to a dietician furthermore I talked to him about my inability to sleep and not feeling refreshed upon waking. He gave me some medication, which didn't seem to work very well. Not being the kind of person to complain about such things, I didn't go back to him about it.

Something Going On

The next weekend I jumped on the bike again together with my daughter but I had trouble to keep up with her and this was new to me. So I tried to catch up and yes I did, and I didn't let the strange fatigue hold me back this time. It had been long enough. I told myself I was just being lazy now. I pushed myself as hard as I could, but now, shin splints forced their way on me, and I would finish one kilometre screaming in pain, only a hot shower on my shins for an hour before the pain subsided. I'd go out again, going a little slower this time. Eventually, I'd give up, feeling like I'd just been to the whipping post. Exhausted and in pain, I'd climb back into the shower, telling myself that tomorrow would be another day.

Eventually, I had to admit to myself that I would not be able to ride a bike for a long journey again, and I set my sights on the half of the journey – eager and ready, mentally, at least. My body still tired easily and my muscles ached terribly after a workout. I pushed because I wasn't going to let the pain stop me.



As soon as I cleared the “finish line”, I squatted down and almost passed out. My muscles were "zinging." I had stopped and couldn't go any further.

An Answer to the Puzzle

The muscle aches and pain started not too long after that. I hadn't made a connection between all of my symptoms, so I hadn't told my doctor about all of them. Lack of refreshing sleep; dizziness, which I attributed low blood pressure; irritable bowel syndrome, something I'd always had; muscle fatigue, flu-like feelings on occasion; poor memory at times; all the symptoms were there. Finally, I read an article about fibromyalgia in a popular health magazine. It immediately clicked – this is what is wrong with me. I went back to my doctor with the article in hand and told him, "I think I have fibromyalgia." I was scared, but relieved when he said, "I think you're right."

He sent me to a rheumatologist, who confirmed the diagnosis in the spring of 2010.

Learning to Live with Fibromyalgia

It's been a long learning experience since my diagnosis. I'm amazed that I can feel perfectly normal one day and completely wasted the next. My wife is just starting to recognize when I feel poorly and what we shouldn't do on those days. Those are the days she generously makes my dinner and doesn't expect me to do more than sit in my chair and read. She used to bully me into saying, I am not complaining when I have pain, not understanding just how bad it was. I love her but hate her for not learning enough about how this affects me to look past how it affects her.

"I've tried all the new anti-inflammatory drugs, to no avail. I've learned that one sleep aid makes me hallucinate while another gives me bad nightmares. Yet another left me so drugged in the morning that it's amazing I was able to get out of bed. After all these trials I was pretty much a drug addict and I made some choices about what would be the best bearable medication. So I started to build things down and act a bit slower with less stress.

The phrase "overdoing it" has taken on a new meaning in my life. Washing the car by myself leaves me exhausted for two days. I can still run when I need to, but I suffer the consequences the rest of the day and into the next day. My days of running and biking trips are on major hold, if not permanently ended. My membership at the gym is frozen, but I've learned that Tai Chi does amazing things. Sometimes I have to convince myself that the pain I'll feel afterward isn't so bad, but it is worth it.



I've learned that my "fibro-fog" is just something I have to accept. If I think about it long enough, the word I'm looking for will come. If I write it down, I don't forget it. My free time is now given to caring for myself, my wife and my two daughters, without their strength and mercy, I would be much worse off.

I know eventually my doctor and I will hit upon the right combination of treatments that will allow me to lead a much more normal life. Until then, I glory in the good days and hunker down on the bad days. I know I'll get through them and only God knows what tomorrow will bring. It's not always good, but it's NEVER always bad. My pain pills are with me wherever I go, but that's not such a bad thing.

I've often wondered when and how I got fibromyalgia. Did the fall of the stairs accident a few years ago cause it? Did it just exacerbate symptoms that were already there? Was it the stress in my job on board? Or was it everything together? I'll never know. I've never slept well, even when I was a lot younger four hours of sleep a day was enough. Personally, I think I always had it and that, for some reason, something made it come to a flare up and it's been with me full force ever since. To me, it doesn't matter. My wife still struggles with that question, though.

I am pretty sure that things could have been worse for example that my brain did not get back to where it was after the fall of the stairs or that fall would have killed me. Or what if .......no, no stop it now. It all turned out pretty well for me.

I am thankfull daily for my wife, for my friends and, believe it or not, for my health. I can walk. I can talk. I can work. I can see. I can feel. I can hear. I can love. What more do I need?

The Old Sailor,

What would you do with one million euro

Dear Bloggers,


And yes last week it happened again for the so maniest time or at least I nearly won the lottery again, I only missed by several digits. (only the last one was right.) My actual winnings were € 27,50 this time just not enough to buy new tickets from. Well maybe next month it will happen enthough I now that winning a prize above € 1.000.000, - is aprox 1 on 20 million people. But why the hell do I buy these tickets? Because there are a few things that I would love to realize even if it was a million euros. I do not need the jackpot of 27,5 million euros. Every price above € 100.000,- is very welcome. At least we could make easier choices.

It’s a fun game, isn’t it? Imagining you have won a million euro windfall and trying to figure out what you would do with it. Or, a different scenario: you work your butt off for 40 years, saving and investing wisely, and eventually get to a net worth of a million euros. Phew. Now what?

A Million Euros isn’t that much!

I think we’re all very aware that a million euros isn’t what it used to be. In either scenario, whether you have worked and accumulated a million euros, or whether you’ve received a windfall, you absolutely cannot go crazy and start spending uncontrollably. Let’s take a look at what you CAN do with a million euros.



Invest for income

This applies to the second scenario – the one where your net worth, after years of hard work, is a million euros. Assuming your investment mix can generate an annual taxable income of 8%, a million dollars can generate an admittedly nice income of €80,000 per year – for many this is all it takes to comfortably retire, and for those of us living in more expensive areas, in major cities along the coast, it would still be a major boost to whatever other retirement income we might have.


Spend wisely

If you get a million euro windfall at some earlier point in your life, when you still have many working years ahead of you, I would advise against viewing this as your ticket out of the workforce. As we saw above, this kind of money generates a nice income – but not necessarily enough to retire on, especially if you’re young and still need to raise kids. In addition, if you start using all the income that your nest egg generates at an early age rather than reinvest, your money will be gradually eroded by inflation.


What would I do?

The things on my own list if I ever received a sudden windfall include non-exciting items such as paying off any credit card debt, loans and home mortgage. I would also reserve a small percentage (anywhere from 1%-5% or up to € 50,000) for helping close family members such as parents and siblings with repaying their own debts and give another 1%-5% to charity.

No splurging at all? You’re so boring

I actually do not rule out splurging a little. It’s normal to want to splurge when you receive an unexpected, large sum of money. I guess in my case I would allocate 1%-5% for splurging – this could go towards buying a new car, a small boat, renovating the house or buying new furniture or art and a cruise of course. Whatever floats your boat, by all means splurge a little on it, but do limit that splurge. It’s very easy to waste away a million euros.


And what about the rest?

So I repaid debt, gave some to family and some to charity, even splurged a little. Let’s assume I was left with half a million euros. Now what? Now I invest, and I treat this as any other investment, creating a mix of stocks, bonds, cash and whatsoever is possible. Whatever asset allocation I’m generally comfortable with. Now I sit back, watch the money grow, rebalance once a year and resist the urge to do anything else with that money, except for enjoying the extra security I now have.

Just believe me when I tell you that money does not bring more luck into your life, it only makes things easier if you a bit more than needed. Just enjoy life and make the best out of it.

The Old Sailor,

Sorry we are closed today

Dear Bloggers,




Today I am taking a day off to celebrate another year that lies past me.

Some would call it the day of the big things that came to us. On of the first things that i remember is that we switched from normal black and white to colour television, and we could receive more channels and we had a telephone as not everyone had a phoneline yet. I got my first bicycle and later a moped. And I was able to vote and get my driving licences. I took the decession to go sailing as there was not that much work at the time. We bought our first house and got our children. I have to say that in those 15.705 days that I am on this cruel planet.

As there were also bad things that i remember Martin Luther King was killed, the Vietnam war, the hazardous fire on the Scandinavian Star, the disaster with the Herald of Free Enterprise, the fireworks explosion at Enschede, the attack on the twin towers, the tsunami in Indonesia and her surrounding countries and of course things that happened just around me that loved ones past away from us.

It left happy memories and some deep scars in my inner person.

“Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.”

Here are some facts that might be seen as useful information to some of my readers but maybe it isn’t.

· You are exactly 43 years 1 week 2 days 9 hours 40 minutes 57 seconds old.

· You will receive your next birthday gift in 14 hours 19 minutes 3 seconds later.

· If your hair were never cut since 13.March.1968, it would be 6.266 m. today.

· If your nails were never cut since 13.March.1968, they would be 1.555 m. today.

· An apple tree seeded on 13.March.1968, bore 3,818.536 kg. apple till today. Its contribution to economy is €15,236.0 and it fed 6,407 people. We hope that in your life you, as a human being, achieved more than that poor apple tree.

Yes, spring is on it's way

Hang in there! Spring will be here soon.

Dear Bloggers,

Finally winter is moving out as cold and moisty weather is not my best friend I am looking forward to the Spring and Summertime again. The best part of spring is the great smells of new life in the garden. I think that this is natures best period of the yearly cyclus.

I noticed a few daffodils around town blooming this week and was happy to see two in my garden just starting to open. Another first bloom of spring is a lowly dandelion but it does look cheery after months of winter. I'll wait awhile and enjoy it before i pull it. The other sign of the season change is the longer days. Some days it's still pretty chilly but I get to spend some time each day doing some garden chores. What a great way to finish the work day. So here is the first daffodil that i saw.

It seems like a jibe in this weather. The icy blasts that hit you as soon as you leave towards the parking to grab your bus, the mornings are stone cold and the passengers are happy to see you. It is only –2 degrees celcius but the wind is biting cold. The morning dash of coffee and a loaf of bread did nothing to smash the calm blankness of sleep of my wife and kids. Mornings on the bus on Monday are a kind of zombie march. My head is not fully functioning yet, what can you expect at 06:30 in the morning. I have an automatic path that I follow on the route that I have to do as if I am trundling down a fixed railway line.

By the time the cold hands grab the steeringwheel and you drive to your starting point, you see people outside the bus doors on push bikes in that freezing cold weather and you are just partially awake, and my defrosted body enters again to go into chilling. Then into traffic, making little jokes with the passengers, most of the regulars are feeling home on the bus. After my two support rides that I need to do I unload the passengers and drive back to the garage, Sit down. Time to drink coffee.

I like to come home and write as soon as I can. It is already evening as I write this. I wonder, sometimes if the reason that I write is for the following reasons---is it Writers and the act of writing,--- or is it killing my devotional time, as some sort of way to enter aloneness and prepare for final silence? Or is it a well formed habit only designed to make products that I temporarily own and then discard? What is the purpose of weekly writing?

I’m not sure. I think that writing is a way to clarify my mind and my miserable life—as I am only here passing time, like everybody else. Today I write something down; this is true for this minute, but then the next thing I write contradicts what I said or thought about three days ago. Writing is sometimes difficult and somehow endlessly disruptive. When I consider this fact of lack of agreement in anything I write down--the fact that one day--I may be all for one position and the next --not--what this tells me is that I am mirroring my mind that is also as fluid as the writing. In other words, my mind is a thinking machine that functions on chemicals.

What do they do to store--memory--logical thinking processes--emotions--the self? And if everything is stored in neurons--how are they stored? Is memory a simple stockpile of chemicals with half lives that are reached continually and progressively until no memories are finally left? If so --this makes the act of writing down --critica But if what we write down is contradictory, emotional rather than rational, considered useless by our society--is it still worth it to be writing devotedly--as if despite these deficiencies in textual depictions of a mind--it is still a worthy practice to engage in the writing down of a mind?

I suppose this decision is based on what you value. Do you --if you have sufficient time--value working at something that will return you more goods and services--or do you in your free time prefer to do what makes you see clearly into your own small life and its attachments? It depends entirely on value and the type of life you want to live. This type of writing is not valuable if you would rather paint or draw; if you need to work on a career; if you prefer other activities. But if the main method of learning for you (and your main interest is learning) is to use words in multiple ways--then writing is a weekly practice that unknots and untangles a great many small minor problems a human being can encounter in a life. It also serves to waken up that human being to luck and good fortune.

I only think about nature sometimes when I am driving and my mind is at ease. After a few days I will sit down and write about it. I only think about the good fortune to be married to a kind, loving woman like my wife and the extreme luck of having two daughters, when others have no kids. Writing practice inevitably introduces you to the grace of your own extreme luck in being born into such a life of privilege.

Even the long winter is a lucky matter for it makes spring and summer like desserts after a long tedious meal of rubbery food. Outside the winter wheels and grinds us down to nothing. The pond that is still filled with a thin layer of ice that is close to my house.

Winter is the ultimate season. The poor trees stick out like old timers TV antennae and looking very dark on the horizon. And winter paints them with icy colours, It is all very beautiful –if you are sitting in the writing room like I am out of the battering fists of the wind, sympathetically appreciating the troubles of the ice cold conditions that nature has to go through, like the the locked in birds, the hares and deer that live right near here along in the bloody forest that gives them also shelter as well.

Usually I’m hanging on the couch together with my wife and watch some Tv at this time of the day. But today, I’m sitting behind the computer and my wife is leaving me alone without any resistance or whatsoever. The weather is a powerful incentive to writing—encouraging me by the hammering cold windy fists on the house walls. Crocusses and daffodils are showing their face that is the sign by the extended care that says—Spring is coming soon—but just not today.

The Old Sailor,

Are you still able to work wit FMS

Dear Bloggers,

For nearly everyone I know with Fibromylagia, it is not the pain, or the fatigue, or even the restless sleep that frustrates them the most, it is the feeling of no longer being productive or able to contribute to a normal society. Also the misunderstanding of the illness by other family members leaves deep emotional scars. How many of us have had to quit our jobs or restructure our lives completely because of this illness? Sorry it is not an illness but a so called syndrome and it is not recogneized by the beneficiary services. It is not a health issue but a mental problem. Most of us I am sure. And for those of you still maintaining your lives and careers, it is through sheer strength and will that you are able to do so.

For myself, Fibromyalgia has forced me into a change. I was working in a passenger ships reception at a high-pressure, fast-paced ferry company when I first was diagnosed in 2009. For months I tried to hang onto the position I had spent several years building within the company, but ultimately I had to let it go. It was not an easy choice to make, but it definitely led to an improvement in my life and allowed me to manage my symptoms without the stress and pressure I faced daily as a receptionist. And yes I loved my stressy job.

I became a bus driver and worked for a temps office, able to set my own schedule, and as long as I met or exceeded my and their goals, I could work as much or as little as I needed. Some weeks I worked full-time, others I put in less than 20 hours. My position required me to drive a lot, but all of my rides were within driving distance so I became a master at routing myself and to take advantage of my "good" days and I had enough breaks to recharge for the next run. The planner knew that he could count on me if he needed someone to fill in.

For several years I was pretty succesful and even thrived in my ships career. At the time it was a very compatible career for me. Then in 2009, as I was sailing to one of my destanies, I was hardly able to get out of my bunk, I waved it away as it was nothing serious and I probably would get the flue. And the comfortable life I had spent the last ten years of building up my carrer was shattered in an instant. Even though I had been living with Fibromyalgia for ten years, I had no idea how relatively manageable my symptoms had been. Sure I had some bad days and debilitating flares, but this was only in the winter season. But nothing like I began experiencing after this bloody morning.

So once again I was faced with a decision. I knew I could no longer manage my sailing territory and my health. I could have pursued the opportunity to go on disability, but I was afraid if I allowed myself to be labeled "disabled" I would start to believe that I no longer had anything to contribute. When I ended up at the UWV office they straight away told me that there are no benefits for this syndrome called FMS. This was puzzling me as the Danish government declared me not able to work a full time job and I was also entitled to a disability pension. It made me angry and confused as I was sitting in between two different opinions. And I made the choice to work as a bus driver but in my own speed. Please do not get me wrong I honor and respect those of you who have and need the security of disability, it was simply my personal decision to eliminate that as one of my choices. So what to do then?

For the first time in my life, I decided to follow my passion for driving. I didn't just wake up one day and decide though. It came about out of the natural progression of me trying to manage and improve my health. Things were pretty dark immediately after my job loss. As the weeks and months past, I continued to feel worse, not better. My despair led me to go and do the driving course and exams needed to become a bus driver and to get my license of course. I started driving for the summer period, and this continued until the 31^st of December last year.Unfortunate the contract was finished. 

Thinking about my health and wellbeing, and then a weird thing happened - my life began to come back into focus again. I felt like I had a voice and a purpose again. And then slowly, I started for an other region in the same  company again. Maybe this was not the best choice that I have made. As all other temps I am just another number where no one is happy and among the ones with a steady job sickness is up to more then 10%. I would call it a low social people management close to modern slavery. 

It is by far my least lucrative career, but that doesn't even matter to me. I am healing through my driving, I am reaching out to all of you that there is always something that you still can do, and I am doing something I am passionate about. So do I thank Fibromyalgia for bringing me to this spot in my life. I don't think I will, even though I believe everything happens for a reason, and that I am exactly where I am meant to be, I also think my path was a little too painful for me to be grateful. Maybe I will just be grateful that I made it through.

So this is my story, but I am really curious to learn about all of you. Are you able to work while managing your Fibromyalgia symptoms? Do you simply push through it, or have you made adjustments to allow for the unpredictable nature of Fibromyalgia? Have you had a career change? Are you on disability? And if you are on disability are you still able to earn a supplemental income? Any thoughts you have on working with Fibromyalgia, I would really appreciate if you shared them in the comments. As you might have guessed I am planning to find another place to work again, all in quest for better health and wellbeing. 

The Old Sailor,

Did we all become slaves to the Rat Race?

Dear Bloggers,

You may consider me harsh for making such a statement, but the truth remains: the majority of the world will remain slaves to the "Rat Race" system for the rest of their lives. I speak with a lot of people on a daily basis who say that they are serious about starting their own Home Based business, but they never actually take action to begin the process. As I thought over the subject, trying to figure out "what was wrong with people", it suddenly came to me: We all have been trained to think like slaves!

From the time we were school age children, we were taught to go to work for someone else-in hopes of getting paid for our blood and sweat at the end of the week. We had no control over what the employer "decided" to pay us, nor did we have any say as to what type of hours we would work. We were taught to be "dependant" on others. This type of mentality is no different from the mentality of a slave. Slaves were forced to conduct hard labor for little pay (if any), while the "master" made a fortune, took exotic trips, and sent his children to private schools. For those who may think that I'm going overboard with my analogy, consider this: Who tells you when you can spend time with your family? Who tells you when you are "eligible" for time off? Who dictates to you how long you can take a lunch break?

 Are you starting to get the picture? Most people don't even realize that they are snared by the way they perceive. If a person doesn't believe or know that they have a problem, they won't consider getting treatment for the problem, thus, remaining in their sickening state until they die. Why not start a home based business for yourself? Why not take control of your own income, rather than let someone else tell you what your worth? Doesn't it make sense that you should be the one who decides how much you will be paid? Shouldn't you decide when your going to spend time with your family? If you desire to change the course of your life, you're going to have to change the way that you think. 

Entrepreneurs think different compared to employees. Employees complain that "there are no jobs". Entrepreneurs create jobs by starting businesses.
I am aware that there are some people who will never change the way that they think, no matter how many offers I make to them or how many blogs I write, they will continue to embrace the "employee" mindset. I don't mean any disrespect to those who decide to work for a living: there's nothing wrong with that. 

 

After all, I figured it out the hard way and now I am stuck with this bloody disease called fibromyalgia. 
For me there has never been a reason to give up. I started my life in a different way and became a parttime bus driver next to my job I am trying to start up a webshop but first I need to get some brilliant ideas for entering the market. I need someone to program my computer. I can go on-and-on but I think you get the picture. Which side of the road are you on? Do you want to have a different life or, are you satisfied with your safe secure job and nothing else?

If you're ready change your life and get a "better life",

The Old Sailor,

Life is fantastic everyday is a new gamble

Dear Bloggers,

Life is just one big gamble - I am convinced of it. Although such as philosophy is generally alien to me, I found myself in a situation the night prior to beginning this blog which really got me thinking.

It was Friday evening. I had stopped working only to sleep in the previous two days. I had arranged to phone a friend and grabbed a beer from the fridge - something unfortunately came up, however, and he couldn't talk to me as he had to work.

Alone, therefore - and tired - I began seriously rehearsing my drinking skills and smoking one cigarette after another (outside the house,  of course!) 

When I heard the familiar strains of, "The Gambler," by Kenny Rogers, it was probably the catalyst which really got me thinking about the meaning of life.....

Yes I am a smoker and a drink is always welcome when I don’t have to work. I try to enjoy life as much as I can but it is not always easy.

There are of course tens of millions of people in this world - if not more - who enjoy a social drink now and again. Whether it be a few beers, a couple of shots of whisky, or a bottle of wine with a meal, drinking alcohol can be a way of relaxing, unwinding and mixing with friends and family.

The problem is, of course, that the practise of drinking alcohol can so easily get out of hand. Social drinking can become binge drinking, then acute alcoholism if it is not properly controlled and restricted to moderation. Excessive alcohol consumption sees us taking a very grave risk and essentially gambling with that most precious commodity and the highest stakes of all - our health. Unlike drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes or any form of tobacco is not acceptable, even in moderation. Every time we light a cigarette we are damaging our health and gambling with our very lives. Government agencies and health authorities across the globe tell us the damage we are doing to ourselves in this way and the risks we are taking, yet so many of us still happily hand over our hard earned cash and give the wheel another spin...

 

On the other hand i think who wants to become over eighty when there is no pension left and you have to live in poverty. I hope that the taxes will drop then I can think of quitting. It is a huge income for the government as the taxrate is enormous. If all smokers would quit on the same day many countries would get bankrupt.

In my job as a bus driver I see people crossing streets every day and yes most of them are the suicidal type. How often do you cross the road when the traffic signals, in one way or another, tell you to wait?

Do you view a red light as an inconvenience - a challenge, perhaps? Do you look carefully around about you and decide that it is worth the risk - the gamble? Have you ever attempted to cross the road in this fashion, only to hear the blast of a horn from an angry motorist whom you failed to notice? Do you realise the risks you are taking every single time you perform this action? Do you get a thrill from the uncertainty?

To cross or not to cross?...Heads or tails?...Higher or lower?...Red or black?...What will it be this time...and what will the result throw up...?

Every now and then we gamble with our lives, the question is who has the better cards.

The Old Sailor,

Do you believe there is a God? part 2 Pearl Jam- Just Breathe

Do you believe there is a God?

Dear Bloggers,

This morning I woke up at five and had a sad kind of feeling over me. My thoughts wandered of again to my younger days. I do not have that many memories left after my accident unless the memories had a very deep impact on my live. But first of all let me do some introducion on the story. This story goes back more than 20 years. My dad had a stable with ponys and those were for rent as it was his hobby many guys and girls helped on a volunteerly base to get the stable going and keep the prices affordable for everyone. Carolien was one of them and she was a good looking young girl who lived during the holidays on a campsite with her family. She had a lot of headaches during the summer period but no one came to the conclusion that there was something wrong inside as she was a happy and cheerful girl. What a shame that she was ripped out of our lives and my God what have these parents gone through.

 My daughter is slowly climbing up to the time of adolescence and it reminds me of these days that I was struggling with hormones, emotions and all other interests in the other sex. But deep inside I was too shy to get involved with these girls. I am not a Don Juan and that was what God had forbidden. I was brought up with religion and I had to go to church during my youth. I stopped believing after one of my dearest friends was killed by a brain tumor and our dear God did nothing to save her. God killed my friend or at the very least stood by doing nothing while she died, while allowing people like surgeon’s who did not recognize this to live on with no regrets.

My friend, we’ll call her Carolien, died this past weekend at the age of 14. She was diagnosed having a severe headache problem but no one thought that it would be a brain tumor, and she could have had every type of surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy possible at that time, but no one came to the idea that she would have a brain tumor. When she collapsed at the volleybal training they rushed her into the operating theatre and tried to remove the tumor or at least to make it smaller. It was to far grown to remove it and it was not good enough to save her. She was sweet, caring, beautiful, and strong; she had recently gotten into high school and had a lifetime worth of goals and dreams ahead of her. Carolien had made plans for her future, and eventually becoming a mother. She volunteered in her community and was kind to everyone she met, regardless of whether she personally liked them. She was active in her church, sharing her many talents with anyone who asked.

Let me now add a disclaimer that I don’t believe in a God – there are a lot of things we don’t understand about the universe, and I don’t pretend to have any answers. But when my friend died, I couldn’t help but wonder how someone who believes in a God can justify what happened to her. It’s the classic question – “why do bad things happen to good people?” See, I understand that religious people generally believe in free will, so sometimes when bad things happen to us it’s a result of some action we took. For instance, if I drove my car to the grocery store while it was snowing and got into an accident injuring myself, it’s reasonable to assume that my choice to go for a drive while the roads were slippery played a role in my injuries. It was my choice, and I paid the consequences, despite how inherently good or bad I might be. I also understand that the definition of “good” or “bad” is going to vary between people.

However, I’m not sure of anyone that would consider an early death, like what Carolien had to endure, a good thing. And I don’t think her brain tumor had anything to do with a choice she made (in contrast to some cancers, like lung, which are often caused by an action like smoking). There was nothing she could have done or put into her body that caused that brain tumor – it was some sort of perverse accident, a deadly combination of genetics and environmental factors beyond her control. So then I ask, if you believe in God, what is your justification for this occurrence? Why did God give Carolien a brain tumor (or allow her to die of a brain tumor) while letting serial rapists live? Why did God allow a tsunami to kill over 200,000 people in 2004, while doing nothing to stop a repeat child-molester? Is it because “God works in mysterious ways”? That response always seemed like a bit of a cop-out – if you don’t know the answer, say so. Did my friend sin, and this was her punishment? I don’t buy that – she wasn’t perfect (no one is), but there are many people in this world far worse. Did God smite her just for his own amusement? Or it is possible, just maybe, that God had nothing to do with any of this – that sometimes life sucks and good people pay the consequence?

If God is loving and all-powerful, then he would have saved my friend. He wouldn’t have let her die before her parents, leaving behind a friend who is now considering with continued attention what goals he has left that didn’t involve a lifetime with her. The world is a worse place today, because Carolien is no longer here to share her love and talents with the rest of us. I wrote this blog in loving memory of my dear friend Carolien may she rest in peace for the love of all.

The Old Sailor,

I can't remember the old me

Dear Bloggers,

First of all I would like to say that I am sorry that I have not been around for a little while due to the fact that I have started my new job at another station in the company therefor I have to learn many new routes in an area that I am not to familiar with. The good old brain and body are having trouble to keep up with the new situation. In my old days I was pretty flexible and was able to learn new skills nowadays I have to make plans and work things out on paper.

Headaches I never had before

 

During the summer of 2003, I got into a horrible accident. Apparently slipping from the top of the stairs in our new house, I hit my head on the door of the fuse cabinet door and on the side wall. After 3 minutes of being out of this planet, I eventually recovered after a full year. Even though I was deemed "physically" healed, I felt that I was truly never the same. Not only had my demeanor and interests changed, but also it seemed as if I had become a completely different person after the accident. I thought it was very sad at the time, because the friends who had been close to me before were no longer close. I did not understand what they meant when they said that I had become a different person. Certainly, I realized that I had changed, but I could not remember the old me, so how comes that they could no longer treat me like the old "Jacob". I believed that this new "Jacob" was still the same person as before-that the inner soul with which they had become friends had never and, indeed, could never change. However, after reading Descartes' Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain, I regret the harsh judgments I made about "Jacobs" so called friends. Dealing with someone who has suffered from a tremendous change in personality is not as easy as one would expect. So how can I blame my wife as she probably can not addapt fully to the new me. And it makes me feel so sad but what can I do as I cannot find the “Old Jacob” back?

 body meets scattered brain

Brain injury is any injury that results in damage to the brain. For many people who suffer from brain injury, the problems associated with it become a permanent part of their lives. The problems that develop depend upon which part of the brain is injured. People can lose cognitive and motor functions as well as their ability to express thoughts and perceive their surroundings. The most unnerving consequence of a brain injury can be a change in personality. Often after being injured victims, like myself, develop an apathy and decreased motivation for life. Emotion can run to both extremes: a forever high, or as in the case of my friend, an absence there of. In society there is a difference in the response shown to someone who has suffered a brain injury that changes his or her personality, and someone whose injury has affected any other part of the body, or even other types of injuries to the brain. What accounts for this difference? If an individual loses a limb, he loses the function of that limb as well. It makes sense then that when an individual loses part of his brain, the function of that part goes too. This is in correlation with the statement, brain = behavior. Each part of the brain seems responsible for different behaviors, a fact that is reinforced when examining injuries to different areas of the brain and the varying results that occur. For example, if an individual suffers injury to their amygdala, he becomes calm and almost devoid of emotional ups and downs. People have therefore reasoned that this area of the brain is responsible for exhibiting anger and possessing violent emotions. If the function of a specific area of the brain is a defining characteristic of an individual's personality, then it is almost as if a new person develops, in place of the old, when an injury to that area occurs.

Modern Schizofrenia

"Jacob was no longer Jacob". The most frightening thing about my story is that, although I became somehow very different, I was for a long time not aware of the changes within myself. In class we have explored the nervous system and noted that there is a separate I-function involved, making one aware of the "self". With each class, it becomes more evident that this I-function has less and less control on the rest of the nervous system. Many times the I-function is not aware of things that the nervous system is doing until the person is told what his or her nervous system is doing, (i.e., when the brain makes up an image for the place of vision, the optic nerve, where no sensory receptors are located). So the question I have for people like me, who seem to be totally dissimilar people after suffering a brain trauma, is whether or not their I-functions are aware of the change in personality? People suffering from a personality change are unable to will themselves back to their old personality, even after their I-function is made aware. This furthermore, supports that brain equals behavior, because if behavior was independent of the brain, one would be able to change their personality back despite the brain changes. However, can we ever be sure that, because we are not mind readers, that even though their personality changes, they are not thinking in the same manner, as Descartes would argue? And if the individual thinks in an entirely new manner, would that really be enough to consider him or her a totally different person? I could not write it down less difficult than this.

That is how I feel

The likely reality is that when someone's brain is injured, the function is forever injured as well. There is no separation between mind and brain. Popular opinion of the mind's function is that it is a result of a brain process. Although when the brain loses a function, it is not unlike the reaction incurred in any other part of the body, but the more important query remains. Which characteristics do we use when defining a person's being? If I had suffered from a trauma to any other part of his body and survived, my friends would never have said that I was no longer the same person. Often when people undergo a personality change, their IQ remains unaffected by the injury. This is because of the various tasks delegated to the brain. The frontal lobe has evolved to be the main organizer. If people, like me, damage this region of the brain, their persona changes because this region is imperative for defining one's personality.

the other side of me

What, then, is the most important factor accounting for the way a person becomes defined; what has happened to make the various regions of the brain become so specialized? Has there been a gradual process through evolution that makes the loss of the frontal lobe harder to deal with than the loss of other regions of the brain, or other body parts? Or has the brain always functioned in this manner? When examining the responses to what appears to be injuries that are all serious in nature, it becomes apparent that some injuries are, indeed, more acute than others. Although an injury which is noticeable may on the surface seem more life changing, it cannot be argued that it is the injuries which are held within one's mind that are the most devastating to a person's being. Yes, they are all injuries to the body, but only those touching the brain have the capacity to change the "soul" of a person.

The Old Sailor,



Christmas is over

Dear Bloggers,


One of the best moments of Christmas comes when it is over. I say that not as a party-pooper - I love it when it is happening - but because we now can get on with real life, which is not that bad for most of us.

Much as we love visitors, and especially small ones, the silence is heavenly when they have gone to bed. We need no longer spend hours on frenzied High Street hunts for presents.
There is an end to all the business excuses which start in November about 'getting back to you after Christmas'.

This is a terrific time for doing household jobs pending since Easter, making up to the cats for being neglected since advent, steering children back to planet earth after weeks in orbit, and imposing censorship on all further moaning about the weather.

I am not a fan of the Christmas frenzy

I enjoyed the snow, but we have been there and done that. The stuff is sensational when new, clean and present in sufficient quantities for toboggans. But once it starts fading to slush, the picture-postcard thrill is gone. Eventhough it is hell to drive on these kind of days.

I once tried going abroad for Christmas, sitting in the sun while my friend described with sardonic glee exactly what cosmetic work each of the women around the pool had done. He is a great bastard if it comes to women.

However, the palm trees felt hopelessly wrong for the season, and we agreed never to repeat the experiment. This is the time for mulled wine, not bikinis. Almost everyone who loves their own home wants to be in it. I am bemused by those who brave the horrors of December airports, even when not snowbound.

My clever wife always makes a very small christmas effort on dining and I will do the rest of it as we do not see the point of the extreme luxury of eating turkey. By Boxing Day it resembles Sonja Bakker on a diet - almost invisible from a side view. Today it is already homemade tomatosoup. And now we have to go for another week and we will start a New Year without any future plans.

We go back to normal rations as soon as the remains of the exclusive diner have been cleared up, and are jolly grateful, too. I feel bad for the ones that were born in the month of December as their birthday is normally snowed under by the festivities in this month.

If you want children who will love you, prospective parents should be careful about what they do together around mid-March. Few babies born in December are grateful. They resent seeing Mummy sticking candles into a half-eaten Christmas cake on the grounds that there is no consumer demand for a special birthday one.

In our family we are great believers in getting on with it, whatever 'it' may be. This is a perfect season for looking ahead rather than backwards, and making things happen.

At this time of year, I am also spared from sceptical spectators. When other people are around, I realise that some do not regard what I do for a living. Some of them think that I am still working on a ship. That is how interrested people are nowadays.

No one under 40 seems to do it yourself any more, but this is a great week for those of us who love our Black & Deckers to build new shelves, mend the fence and sort out the garage.

I can never understand why home carpentry and decorating have gone out of fashion. However many Poles are clamouring for custom, it is fun as well as cash-saving to do some of the business in-house.

We oldies have the supreme satisfaction that we need not start getting glum about the prospect of going back to school. January is a much brighter month than December, with snowdrops and lengthening days.

Our ancestors had cause to get depressed at New Year about the prospect of seeing little fresh food before spring, facing months of salted meat and half-frosted potatoes. We are subject to no such privations, unless something goes horribly wrong at Albert Heijn.

We can walk country lanes with the assurance of returning to warm homes, and wave away the last days of 2010 without a tremor of nostalgia.

This is a time for looking ahead, sighing with relief that a pretty dismal year for most of us is drawing to an end.

If children believe in Santa Claus or in my country Sinterklaas, it is the privilege - indeed the duty - of their parents to cherish a conviction that the times to come will be better than the times past. Here's hoping that it will be so for you.

The Old Sailor,