Counting down to a big change...........or will this be amrageddon for me.

Dear Bloggers,


I wanted Bruce Willis to play the starring role in a movie about my life. I wanted to write a book about my job the way Paolo Coelho does. I wanted to speak to large groups of eager educators and make them laugh with my nutty remarks. These were all goals of mine when I was not suffering from anything, and was full of energy and ideas before I started sailing. I wanted to find happiness through success and this would only happen if you worked hard and did your very best. At least that was what I thought when I started years back making something out of my miserable life, when I did my days in the army I had to find a job to make some money. I was motivated and focused to make a difference and become something in live. I started off as a dishwasher in a local hotel and worked myself up as a bartender and waiter in the hotel restaurant. After a few years I became headwaiter.

Unfortunately there was only work in the summertime and during the winters I did many different tempsjobs. I worked in factories, became an iceskate essembler, was taxidriver and freelanced in the weekends as a bartender in one of the bigger towns. After a few years I had finished my education as
bartender/waiter and dreamt about earning good money and start my own bar elsewhere. First of all I went to Australia with a friend and worked for a wholesaler in Sydney. We made enough money to support ourselves and had a good time. But when the recession broke out we lost our jobs and had to turn back after a few months that was the first setback in my life, but soon I carried on.

And that spring I found a new challenge I wanted to become a sailor with a great salary. My past from the army gave some hindrances and I had to try again, and I ended up on a cruiseship. The life onboard was not very glamorous and the sun and Jim Beam became my best friends. When I came back home I applied for a job as a bartender on a ferry again. This was luxury compared to the liner as I had my own cabin. I hoped that I could climb up the carreerladder and be headbartender at least. Those where all soapbubbles about to burst as in the higher ranks there was no place for me and I saw a lot of good and bad "bosses" in my sailing days. The months between contracts and ships I filled with doing temp jobs and later on I worked as a freight driver. I drove the big cemetmixing trucks and delivered beers and soda for the Heineken company. Until I could not lift heavy anymore due to costochondritis and I needed to do an office job. I started to work as a receptionist on board again.

Everything was going exactly as I had hoped for and planned. I got a job onboard a ferry to the United Kingdom and everything in life was picking up again and we bought a new house to have more space. I never felt at home in this house so we did put up the for sale sign again and will move back to where we came from. The housing market is very slow and we did not have any serious buyers, but we have time as we do not need to sell. If we sell it, it is another part of my life that can be closed. There were good moments and bad moments for us and believe me there were more bad than good ones. It relieved me when my wife agreed with me that I could not really be happy here and that we both missed the lake, why did we move here anyway? My wife and I wanted to live closer to her parents so they could easier help out babysitting. We hardly ever had any benefit out of it and our kids went to a nanny two blocks away.

I did a good job as there were not many complaints on my behalf, paperwork was not my hobby and will never be. And I really enjoyed what I was doing although there were deadlines to catch. And those deadlines were giving me at least a lot of stress situations as I was mr. plentyfix and I could turn a bad situation into a reasonable one. Until the load was getting to heavy as I could not say NO. When slowly my body started to give up on me. It started with pain in my hands and fingers.The rest of my body quickly followed and by the next month, I was changed into an old man as I was completely turned into a rheumatic person. I was diagnosed with FMS is a rare neurological condition that involves neurotransmitters giving the wrong signals and telling the system of muscles and the nerves throughout the body that I should feel pain. It is rarely damaging, but recovery can be very slow and often patients are left with residual effects. There is also the possibility of relapse when you have a lot of stress.

After being diagnosed with fibromyalgia by the rheumatologist from the local hospital, I was in good health, but body and mind were still ravaged from the syndrome. I was unable to stand or walk for a longer period of time and had very poor use of my hands. I spent the next three months in a local health center where I received three intense therapy sessions a week. By the end of the summer. I was fully discharged from the care of doctors and specialists and had no residual effects. I felt nearly like the same person I was the day before this all started. At least, I thought I was the same person. Until a moisty day came along and I was hit by muscle pains from hell.

Life is like a pop quiz. You can’t plan for it and you only get one chance to do your best. My breakthrough came one day in rehab when I was asking for help to get through everything. I stopped asking when I realized that I had to beat this on my own. I needed to listen to people who couldn’t help
themselves and reach them a helping hand. I knew that I was strong enough to fight this battle with my body and I felt left alone. I learned life doesn’t follow your planner or your schedule. I had to learn to walk instead of running all the time. Life has only one purpose…to happen. If you only focus on all the things that can go wrong and being afraid that your body will give up, you will simply miss the beauty in the things that happen around you and also the small successes that you book yourself. I changed a lot during the course of those months, but more than anything, my belief in the power of the human spirit changed the most. People are capable of extraordinary things. We all have the power to take our current situations in life and make them better. The road to change is littered with obstacles, but they are not permanent hindrances, only temporary roadblocks.

I returned to recently to the job market and applied for lighter jobs the last few months and quickly I realized things were different. From a sailor with no energyloss, I had become a relaxed housedaddy that does not care about stressed situations anymore. A new episode in my book of life had started by ripping out the balck pages. I felt like I was watching someone else and I soon realized that it was the new me. That man in the faded green shirt wasn’t the man who started of this year as a slightly handicapped person. I no longer wanted to change the world. I didn’t want any awards or taps on my shoulder, telling me that I did a good job. I wanted to be happy and I couldn’t be that as a sailor do to the long working days, I needed to start off in something completely new. This summer, I will say goodbye to my career as a sailor and take a job as a busdriver on the citybus with a limited amount of working hours. While taking a drop in pay and, in some peoples eyes, taking a step backwards in my career, I found I had taken a huge step forward. I was doing something again, working with people something I cared deeply about.

I will start working again on Monday and I am really looking forward to it, as it has been a tough year with a lot of ups and downs. And people in offices that do not understand at all why you want to go back to work so badly. They do not see the financial trouble that you have as you need to fight the governments to get some benefits that you are entitled to. Also sitting at home is not my hobby and I am defenitly a lousy housekeeper. The disadvantage that you have as your curriculum vitae tells that you are a person full with adventure as you did so many different jobs. And the lack of experience will give you a lot of rejected applications and therefor very stressfull.

In addition to a change in my career, I had a change in my priorities. I decided to put my wife and family first and everything else as a distant second. I focused on being a "good" husband and having a happy marriage. I rediscovered my passion for my wife and also for recreative cycling, something I had started to lose during my last years of sailing. I took advantage of every good weather day and made sure that I would get a fair set of kilometres on the clock and biked like it was my last day on Earth. Of course the next day I was hoping it was the last day on Earth as usual I was a complete wreck due to the pain as I had overdone it again. I was totally out of balance and I could not except that the old me was not coming back. A psychologist told me that there was no need for finding the old me as he was dead and buried.

Together with my doctor, fysiotherapist, ergotherapist and a dietician I have put my life on the tracks again. And my train is not the fastest but at least it is rolling again. Only when we go uphill we need a bit of help, all the other parts I do without any help. The big difference with the old train is that this one has a break and there is no doubt that it will be used. The new me looks quite similair to the old me but inside there have been big changes.

Hopefully the new me will be a success and I do not need to get higher up. I have the ambition to do a job as good as it gets. I still hope one day there’s a movie made about me. I still hope Bruce Willis will be in the starring role. I still want to write a book. I still want to speak to large groups. These are all goals of mine. I am still motivated and focused. But I have to take care about my energy levels and make sure that my body can handle it. I now hope to find success through happiness. I want to be me…and I’m fine enough with that. Maybe I should change my hair, my house, my clothes, my future, my soul and my name.

How would that sound "The Old Busdriver?"

The Old Sailor,

Dear Bloggers,


I'll tell you how I look at my companion for life called fibro, it became a part of me in my daily life. Acceptance is difficult but as time passes it is becoming easier and by falling on your face you learn things the fastest way. Anxiety is a poor guide so if it is diagnosed then go and search for positive stories on the Internet. What struck me in the beginning that there were much more negative than positive stories to find. But with a little bit of effort put into searching I was able to find them. I have experienced it from the beginning as a terrible thing and the capriciousness with which it all comes and goes makes it difficult to control. Yet I have at some point found some rest and made a good deal with my body. I'm less anxious to do things and I started with a physio fitness program was tailor made for me. In the beginning I had to get used to the idea to do anykind of sports as in my opinion this was absolutely impossible. Still, I put on my "naughty" shoes (sneakers) and gave it a shot. But after the third lesson it was disastrous because my body totally refused to join these days and seriously frustrated I returned home.

Knocked out by FMS

Many people are told by "well-meaning friends/doctors" just get out & exercise. Yes, exercise is very important but it is not a cure, nor is lack of exercise a cause. And it is very possible that they may only be able to do a few light stretches, or to walk one block at a time. The exercise routines I used to do are no longer an option for me. Even athletes who start having problems with FMS have to start at the bottom. It is very frustrating. Exercising causes major pain so it is very important to start slowly. Another problem with FMS is the delayed reaction. Sometimes pains from "over-doing it" don't hit until 24 to 48 hours later. So it is very easy to over-do. You may think you are doing ok, but then the next day it will hit you & knock you flat. Despite the pain it is important to find a routine because it will help you cope and deal with your complaints. If you start slow you will eventually build up to where you can do more & more. Proper counseling is very important, but more importantly you know yourself what you can handle. Your trainer is there to tell you how you do things the right way to practice. The taxation of your body you should try.

My best friend and companion for life: Fibromyalgia

I found peace only when I started practicing Tai Chi and I was told to improve my situation and accepting you are having a disability. A Tai Chi practitioner who ends up in a combat situation, is not so much concerned with eliminating the adversary, but to improve their own position. This requires often initially reported to give up something first. The Tai Chi practitioner does not experience this as a loss but as an investment. By accepting it, it will create a greater freedom of movement within a better position than relativly can be taken by the other. Then the other must give up his position is not as objective but as a side effect experienced by both parties. (There is not so much as a loser in competition, but a recognition of being the better half in the other). For me this was the way to deal with the person that I've become now. It's not really complicated if you know what you can do, and your borders are not your limitations. Also this is a form of acceptance.

Fibro-fog is another aspect that can really throw a person off. Fibro-fog basically means that you can not think clearly and that is sometimes quite difficult.This ranges from doing "stupid" things (like putting the salt & pepper in the refrigerator and putting the milk in the cupboard or forgetting words you have used since kindergarten) to very severe fibro-fog where you can't function (write checks, drive a car, cook dinner, follow a conversation, etc). I often suffer from memory problems as some of the files that exist on my hard drive are erased especially many memories from the past. But some things excist no longer and happened shorter than one year ago. Yet I know I do here to save the story to run. With statements of "Well, help me out on the road."Many times when people are experiencing fibro-fog they don't even realize it! It can be so severe that people may think you are getting dementia. Fibro-fog can occur in short periods here and there, but sometimes days or weeks, even this is different from person to person.

Well I stick to this phrase like always: “Live life as long it is there, pray for less fights, spend your last money on a drink and fuck if your life is depending on it.”

The Old Sailor,

Finally back to work again

Dear Bloggers,


I am 42 and live in Friesland, and I would love to work, but benefits agency UWV gives me hard time. Yet I am now only a busdriver with a lack of experience. It was difficult but I have paid my own training and exams so I made it myself. Yet I feel that the benefits agency does not enough for me to get me to work. I am applying to everything that is available and possible for me to do. If it comes to jobs it is pretty hard to find a suitable job in the Northern regions as there are not that many available.

I worked for a period of time as a truck driver. In 2005 I all of a sudden suffered from a sudden pain between the ribs when I was loading and unloading. Still I continued working until that one wet summerday, during that day with heavy rain I got a bad pneumonia. Pain in the ribs and the result was that subsequently lifting became impossible and that's difficult when you bring around beer kegs. I ended up in hospital and got into the sickness benefits as part of my left lung had collapsed, after a period of recovery I could sometimes on a good day I was able to drive a concrete mixing truck

I could not even walk normally and also went to the pain clinic in hospital as the pain got worse and worse. After a year and a half it was a lot better with me and I wanted to work again. From my eighteenth I've already been working fulltime jobs. First in the hospitality and later on the truck. I've never sat still one minute and always worked hard. I was getting crazy sitting at home doing nothing. But if I was doing to much again I was punished straight away. The pain pulling through felt like having a cardial problem and that was how the medics reacted the first few times and I was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room.

My body was examined in hospital and the diagnosis of Tietze's syndrome led to another and lighter kind of job search, until suddenly a job as a receptionist onboard of a ferry presented itself through an "old" colleague, who knew me already from my restaurant years. I had worked for this boss before and was already familiar with sailing. So that was not a big deal to get used again to the sailing life.

I could not consume all my happiness in this job as after three years out of nothing my body gave up on me and I got stuck in the sickness benefits again and thus lost my job, getting back was not an option because, according to Danish doctors due to my sickness I was 80 to 100 percent disapproved and the labor market I could not enter due to this diagnoses. To be eligible for a benefit in Netherlands I had to be approved as healthy. In my country they say it is something that you have so just get used to it, the doctors don't even take it as a serious matter. So why was it approved by the World Health Organisation in my country.  And so it happened that I was all of a sudden fully fit again. (on paper)

And that just that my illness is mentioned here only as a condition and it is difficult to be in between two camps (countries) that are having a totally different opinion. In my last reassessment, I became pretty angry about this matter. "But according to you guys there is nothing wrong with me, at least that is what you say so I am fit enough to enter the labour market fully," I yelled at the doctor. And I said that I otherwise would have to work illegal and when I would collapse we would see what will happen. The doctor decided to take the matter into his own hands, and gave me the answer "But you can always get back later into the sickness benefit." If I am feeling well I may fully work?
Hmm.... strange that I am a 100% fit to work and that I can do everything I want. I hope very soon to begin as a bus driver. Twenty hours until thirty hours per week I will bring everyone from point A to point B. Of course I had a medical exam and there is nothing that should obstruct me in my job.

It took several months for the people of the UWV realized that I'm unstopable, they approved me well and hopefully will also my benefit money partly stop. Driving on the bus that's my new challenge in this life and experience is the big stumbling block for the employers. Because yes, I think that working with people is great. "But I'd better be listening to my body now and I already had a wonderful job at sea, but the high stress level in this case was the killer. When I see how relaxed I am now, I am thinking sometimes. ''This should have happened much earlier, when I was still in a good "shape".Although this will be a job on a temporary base, I will be starting a new episode in my life.

The Old Sailor