Trying to find closure

 

Dear Bloggers,

 

“This wasn’t supposed to happen! Tell me why this has happened!” These are the spoken words of countless bereaved parents and boy or girlfriends that had a great day out in the old town of Brugge. Travelling by ship to the main land of Belgium. Townsend Thoresen was well known by lorry drivers and regular travelers that numerously crossed the channel with these ships throughout numerous years mostly foot passengers travelled for one pound due to an ad in The Sun — a never-ending and always present wound in the Souls of those who have buried their loved ones. After nearly 38 years, I returned to the place where the disaster with the Herald of Free Enterprise occurred. And the moment will never leave your brain many first responders have still some mental scars from this.

 

Disasters such as hurricanes, earthquakes, transportation accidents, or wildfires are typically unexpected, sudden, and overwhelming. For many people, there are no outwardly visible signs of physical injury, but there can be nonetheless an emotional toll. It is common for people who have experienced disaster to have strong emotional reactions. Understanding responses to distressing events can help you cope effectively with your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, and help you along the path to recovery. And we are easily forgetting about the rescue teams that have to live with all the things they have seen and heard. The endless sounds of sirens and alarms that are going of constantly. These memories are hard to deal with for many and some of them cannot cope afterwards and get mentally stuck and some even take their own lives.

What are common reactions and responses to disaster?

Following disaster, people frequently feel stunned, disoriented or unable to integrate distressing information. Once these initial reactions subside, people can experience a variety of thoughts and behaviors. Common responses can be:

• Intense or unpredictable feelings. You may be anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, or grief-stricken. You may also feel more irritable or moody than usual.
• Changes to thoughts and behavior patterns. You might have repeated and vivid memories of the event. These memories may occur for no apparent reason and may lead to physical reactions such as rapid heartbeat or sweating. It may be difficult to concentrate or make decisions. Sleep and eating patterns also can be disrupted—some people may overeat and oversleep, while others experience a loss of sleep and loss of appetite.
• Sensitivity to environmental factors. Sirens, loud noises, burning smells, or other environmental sensations may stimulate memories of the disaster creating heightened anxiety. These “triggers” may be accompanied by fears that the stressful event will be repeated.
• Strained interpersonal relationships. Increased conflict, such as more frequent disagreements with family members and coworkers, can occur. You might also become withdrawn, isolated, or disengaged from your usual social activities.
• Stress-related physical symptoms. Headaches, nausea, and chest pain may occur and could require medical attention. Preexisting medical conditions could be affected by disaster-related stress.

How do I cope with this?

Fortunately, research shows that most people are resilient and over time are able to bounce back from tragedy. It is common for people to experience stress in the immediate aftermath, but within a few months most people are able to resume functioning as they did prior to the disaster. It is important to remember that resilience and recovery are the norm, not prolonged distress. There are a number of steps you can take to build emotional well-being and gain a sense of control following a disaster, including the following:

Give yourself time to adjust. Anticipate that this will be a difficult time in your life. Allow yourself to mourn the losses you have experienced and try to be patient with changes in your emotional state.

Ask for support from people who care about you and who will listen and empathize with your situation. Social support is a key component to disaster recovery. Family and friends can be an important resource. You can find support and common ground from those who've also survived the disaster. You may also want to reach out to others not involved who may be able to provide greater support and objectivity.

Communicate your experience. Express what you are feeling in whatever ways feel comfortable to you—such as talking with family or close friends, keeping a diary, or engaging in a creative activity (e.g., drawing, molding clay, etc.).

Find a local support group led by appropriately trained and experienced professionals. Support groups are frequently available for survivors. Group discussion can help you realize that you are not alone in your reactions and emotions. Support group meetings can be especially helpful for people with limited personal support systems.

Establish or reestablish routines. This can include eating meals at regular times, sleeping and waking on a regular cycle, or following an exercise program. Build in some positive routines to have something to look forward to during these distressing times, like pursuing a hobby, walking through an attractive park or neighborhood, or reading a good book.

When should I seek professional help?

If you notice persistent feelings of distress or hopelessness and you feel like you are barely able to get through your daily responsibilities and activities, consult with a licensed mental health professional such as a psychologist. Psychologists are trained to help people address emotional reactions to disaster such as disbelief, stress, anxiety, and grief and make a plan for moving forward. To find a psychologist in your area, I did work on myself over more than 35 years. Lately I went for psychological help and I went back to where it all happened. 37 years after there are hardly any traces left of the things that have been printed in my brain forever. The night before I went there my brain was going back to the dark and cold night on the 6^th of March.

The searchlights in he sky and the screaming and crying people in the helicopters and ambulances. The Belgian army guys and firefighters and the Red Cross people who all worked with everything in their powers. It was like a bad and totally crazy movie in my head and I was in doubt if I should go there. Somehow there was something that calmed me down and told me this will bring you towards closure.

It will still take some time before I can say this is over. 

Although slowly but surely I will get there.

 

The Old Sailor,

Hopefully the last time that we moved house

 

Dear Bloggers,

I have moved house four times in just over twenty years. You think that my family and I would be really good at moving, but there is always something that trips us up every time.

After having lived in the same house for 23 years, I left my parental home and moved in with the girl I fell in love with. She rented a little Apartment in a medium sized village. We bought our first house in the village where I was born and where I grew up. Although I was young and restless and had my challenges fulfilled as a man with tons of ideas. In the army I found that life could be tricky and some of us are not getting really old they faced death at an early stage. After that I worked in discotheques and restaurants served people with joy. Although these jobs were for the summer season and I had to work in factories during the rest of the time and it was not paying that well. I started looking for a new challenge and went sailing on a small cruise liner. Here I found joy only thing that was missing was my little miss. Being homesick I left after one cruise and picked up the old jobs again. My dearest surprised me with an application for a new starting route with Scandinavian Seaways and a job as a waiter. After getting married and our first born a financial crisis struck and I lost my job. I tried many different paths but nothing brought real satisfaction. I was so happy when I received a phone call to serve on the Hamburg to Harwich route. Difference was leaving to loves of my life behind to live my dream. We moved to another small village close to my wife’s parents so they could babysit if necessary. And we were talking about a second child as our former home was too small for it. Then the Tax office was making mistake after mistake and almost seized our home as we started to run out of money. I have the mentality of a streetfighter and don’t give up easy. We sold our house and got challenged to get a much lower mortgage and less to live in. We went from a new home to an old and lived out house and had to start all over from scratch.   

 

I had a dream that wouldn't let me rest. I wanted to renovate our old home and turn it into the house that we wanted.  My wife bought into my vision and after almost ten years we looked for a house that we could afford and that we could transform. The deadline for the sale of our beautiful home was coming closer and closer and we had a fourth night left to pack our stuff and move on.

In February 2018, we finally found it - an old, never updated in the last forty-some years. A little family home that was about to be collapsing under its conditions. It didn't have many features - except for a farmers door as a front door, floorboards that were moving with you. It had an outdoor laundry room in the shed and a very tiny toilet room and a tiny, dirty kitchen that was barely functional. Even the electricity had to be removed as it was more than forty years old. Also the plumbing had to be redone. So we took the floors out and started from scratch to remodel the intestines of the house. Fortunately, it had a bit of a yard were we could drop of all the old crap that was removed, the company having containers for all the wood, doors, drywall, bricks, concrete and whatever had been stuck in this house was located close to our house. We had several of them and if you sort it out it saves a pretty penny. After everything was renewed and brought up to todays standards. The foam concrete floor was poured and the underfloor heating was installed the next day. A week later the screed floor and the next week the tiled floor. Finally it was habitable again. In the weeks that followed, the electrical work was done and the plasterers did the walls downstairs. The upstairs was now ready for use because we lived in the middle of this construction site.

At a certain point, the ceilings were also installed and the house could be furnished with all the things that were in the garage and after almost 4 years of renovation, not all of them looked as good anymore. That night I woke up to a searing plastic smell. I looked out the window at the front and saw a bit of smoke. I had a bad feeling and went downstairs to see if everything was okay. I opened the back curtains and saw a flame dancing behind the garage window.

I raised the alarm and ran upstairs woke the children and sent them outside my wife grabbed the dogs and went out the front door. All my tools and materials burned as well as some of the furniture and all the paperwork and our other clothes. The blow was hard and complicated for someone with a trauma and two relatively young children. Yet we would overcome this too. Tough as nails they say. Even though my wife could not find her way as the city has its noises like: traffic noise. screaming sirens of fire brigade, police and ambulances. But also drunken youngsters on weekends and holidays were not uncommon. All year round some stupid guests let off firecrackers which made the dogs react rather nervously and bark out of fear. We decided to sell the property and find something more quiet again. We successfully found a house that needed a great bit of love to make it up to our standards again.

 

So we bought it. The pressure was then on to fix up our current house and pack up our stuff. We had to do a load of work to get the house ready for moving day. And a month is not enough to get everything up and running. Impossible is not in my vocabulary and everyone tried to be ready on the deadlines, not easy for the people that had to do the jobs. The bathroom was one of the issues as the guy that had to install it just gave up on us as he had no time left. My contractor found another plumber and the electrical work I took up for a great deal myself and another company made the new outlets for the freezer and the fridge. Still not everything is done but there is time now to do things later like painting the ceilings and walls.

 

Also, the garage floor needs to be demolished and then re-poured and will have underfloor heating and a tile floor put in. Furthermore, the garage will be split. the front will be my workshop and the back will be the utility room and laundry room for my wife. So still a lot to do in the coming time. Someday it will all be done and the dream will be complete. When I reach retirement I hope the chores will be over.

There is something about living in a house for a long time. You accrue a lot of things. And dare I say, my wife is most probably a hoarder. I am the one that keeps a lot of stuff if it comes to building. Tools I have average. We had quite a big garage, but the amount of stuff I had stored in there was phenomenal (that even excluded all the equipment for the garden I had stored at another location).

Planning the move took a lot of time and lots of tiny decisions. We planned on moving out the big things, the things we could see. Anything we didn't need for a couple of months we packed up and sent to our new rented storage room that we had in regional storage center. I spent countless nights boxing things. And registered all the goods in a spreadsheet. By the time we had our first open for inspection, it looked like we lived this magical, idealized life of a tidy house and lots of floor space (see photo above). It was like living in a sales folder with the perfect family.

 

It felt like a mirage.

When we finally moved (and had still five months) to prepare, we thought it would be easy. After all, we had most of our things in storage and we had also sold or donated a lot of things. I booked a big truck for a day.

By 2pm on moving day, it became painfully obvious things weren't going well. There were still so many boxes to get into the truck. By the time we arrived at our new house, it was dusk. We decided to stop for the night and get the rest tomorrow. The next morning we started early again and literally shoved all the furniture into our new house (so we couldn't use any rooms except the bedrooms).

Thankfully, we weren't living there on the first night. We went back to our old, clean house and slept on mattresses on the floor. We were exhausted and got a little scared of what laid ahead.

The next day was even worse. It was settlement day. I started cleaning and packing up the bits and pieces strewn around the home at 6am. By 10.30am, we were getting frantic calls from our real estate agent about when we would hand in the keys. At 11am, I had to go to the solicitor for the legal paperwork our real estate agent was not there as they were having a day out with the personnel.

We got out of there by 10am the sale had gone through. It seemed like a tiny cause for celebration.

In the end, it wasn't the big pieces of furniture that made our move so traumatic. It was all the bits of stuff we had accrued that I didn't know existed, as well as all the little things I didn't know what to do with. Random cables, pieces of plastic from unknown items, storage containers, pet toys.

 

Yet, what I severely underestimated was that it just wasn't our physical stuff that took a long time to sort, it was also the emotional baggage that lay trapped underneath. From exposing a hidden conflict with my spouse - her deep need to be surrounded by a lot of stuff and my need to have very little, as well as the more held back emotions of my wife as she started feeling lonely as I was not the best guy anymore as I forgot about us and was to busy with all the things to keep running our daughter (who is still traumatized by leaving her okay city home).

The annual house moves took a toll on both of us and trying to believe we were finally moving back home to a settled and easier life. The vision of a beautiful, clean and bigger house that was all ours had long lost its shine (or as our 20 year old proclaimed, "You have been promising this house to me since I was 16 and now I'm planning when I can leave home."

Yet, the whole experience has taught me a lot about when I can push people to change and when I cannot, as well as not ignoring the little things  become so overwhelming and energy-zapping.

During a move, you know not to throw every family member's clothes into one big box. You sort them into individual boxes. It makes it so much easier to unpack when you get to your destination.

 Change isn't something that comes naturally to humans.

 

A quote I heard recently "The old needs to drop away before the new can arise within you." Yet, we stubbornly hold onto the past and fear the new. Moving house is a process of allowing the old to fall away. It can be traumatic because we become so emotionally attached with where we are. Yet, sometimes there is something bigger and better waiting for us that we need to experience, in order to be the person we want to be. 

Everyone evolves at their own pace. Planning a big move or change is really about giving our brains the time it needs to absorb that a new life is ahead of us. Some of us hold on tightly to where we are because it feels comforting and safe, while others jump onboard the change train gleefully and excited. 

It's not until we have moved that we can finally let go of our old daily habits and behaviors. Sometimes the move is positive as we experience new things that light us up and give our lives meaning and joy.  Other times, the move is negative and we find ourselves trapped in a small place that feels like our freedom and autonomy has been reduced. What I learnt is to keep the dialogue open between family members. Focusing on the dream house didn't work with one teenager. Giving them the time and space to vent and complain seemed to be what they needed, as well as not reacting negatively to things they said that were hurtful. 

In years to come, I know I will look back at this time as when myself and my family transcended our limitations and stepped into a new reality. A time when we all learnt individually who we really are and how to interact better with one another during uncertainty and pressure.

 

The Old Sailor,

 

No News today

Dear Bloggers,

We bought another house and being busy refurbishing, I will update you later so this month no blog. See you Soon 

 The Old Sailor,

When This Life Ends A New Life Begins

 

Dear Bloggers,

Just before springtime comes and every now and then there’s a little ray of sunshine that brightens up the dark days of the wintertime. Even if live life to the fullest and you are still making loads of plans. But somehow your sickness is kicking in and slowly but surely the body has to give up bit by bit. And at a certain moment your days are counted.

.

“Life starts and it ends with a breath, in between these two breaths lays a story; a child is born and explores the world; the child smiles and cries; the child lives and becomes a man; the man learns that life is neither good or bad, just beautiful the way it is.

Life ends on this earth by letting go of the first breath, because the man knows that letting go is the path that leads to freedom; and then life begins again purer than ever.”

Think about the flowers. Life is just a bunch of pretty pictures. All this is supposed to do is force you beyond the mind, when you realize that you can't figure it out.

People often wonder what they should say to a person who is dying. It is understandable that you might feel confused – what you feel might be so complex that it is hard to find the right words, or any words at all. It is natural to worry about saying the wrong thing. You may want to offer something that will help them cope but don’t know what that is. It is usually better to say something than to pretend nothing is wrong.

Most times, someone who is dying will find comfort in you being there, and appreciate knowing that family and friends are thinking of them. Even if you feel you’re not doing anything, just being there sends the message that you care.

It isn't clear how long a person who is dying retains awareness of what is going on around them, but research suggests that some degree of awareness may remain even after the person slips from unconsciousness.

Often, people will lapse into a coma before they die—a deep state of unconsciousness and unresponsiveness. People in a coma may still hear people talking even when they can no longer respond. Because of this, the health department suggests that caregivers, family, and physicians should behave as if the dying person is aware of what is going on and is able to hear and understand voices.

 

A 2020 study that investigated hearing in palliative care patients who were close to death provides evidence that some people may still be able to hear while in an unresponsive state. (EEG) was used to measure the dying brain's response to sound. The findings suggest that telling a person you love them in their final may register with them.

Dying is a natural process that the body has to work at. Just as a woman in labor knows a baby is coming, a dying person may instinctively know death is near. Even if your loved one doesn't discuss their death, they most likely know it is coming.

In some cases, the person may come from a culture or a family in which death is simply not discussed. Furthermore, your loved one may sense that others feel uncomfortable recognizing the dying process so they don't want to bring it up.

 

Death can then become the elephant in the room. Everyone knows it's there but no one will acknowledge it. Family discussions may be awkward and superficial and never reach an intimate level.

Talking about death is rarely easy. Many of us feel uncomfortable even saying the words "death" or "dying." Talking about it with a loved one who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness can be especially awkward.

 

First, remember that you are talking to someone who is still living, and that talking about memories and shared experiences honors the dying person's life. Experiencing sadness with the loved one is appropriate; that's part of life, too.

If necessary, a therapist or a social worker with experience in this area can make these conversations easier.

 

The flowers will fade no matter what but the memories we made will never be lost.

The Old Sailor,

Talking and Writing

Dear Bloggers,

 

Why is it that some folks (such as myself and my daughter) talk so much? This visit, I am learning how I process through talking and writing. I think you do the same with writing and I love that about us. Yet, talking needs a listener and listening takes energy. So does talking.

 

Yes, I have been learning something similar about myself. 

 

My need for verbally exchange is so much greater than most writers. We came to the conclusion in one therapy session that my brain actually might need external forms of processing … getting words out (writing or speaking), having someone listen, and getting verbal and visual reactions. Sounds like a very right-brain form of processing. 

 

My brain is running around in many different directions total chaos is also a system on the other hand, I am processing things internally. Quiet time, self-reflection (without writing it, just “down time”) by taking a walk or even engaging in some relaxing activity like playing a game. That I get a clearer sense of myself, and I need to analyze what happened in the day, what I did, and what to do next.

 

What is it about our need to be heard and understood by others? Is it that some people like me don’t have this need? Or is it a need that we ALL have, but some have it stronger than others?

 

Someone has asked me, “Are you really processing when you remove yourself from the conversation? Or, are you just distracting yourself, purposely not processing for awhile?”

 

 

When I think of the times in my day (or even in my life) when I’m not feeling “heard” — those are the toughest and loneliest times. Certainly we all have the need to be heard and understood by others, and even greater the need by those we love. A big part of my writing (and my talk-talk-talking) is motivated by the need to be heard and understood. 

 

Earlier, I have mentioned to myself that I should write more in my blog if I had the feeling that there is a real audience out there, reading and perhaps responding to my posts. Our writing is a form of self-reflection, and an attempt to connect with others. We write to make sense of things for ourselves, by making it available for the comprehension of others. 

 

I believe that most people have not been able to cultivate a safe relationship with their writing (and rambling aloud). It’s hard to be a loud and crazy guy at one point and being the quiet writer on the other hand.

 

 

Suddenly, a coworker appears at the table and asks me a question. The look in her eyes and her tone of voice say she wants an answer straight away. Her question is simple, but my brain freezes for a moment. I start sentences then stop them. I hesitate. I say things that are kind of what I mean, but not quite. I backtrack. Inside, I wish my brain would just work right…

Ever had something like this happen to you? If so, you’re not the only one. Finding it hard to say what you’re thinking, especially when you’re on the spot, is a common problem for a lot of introverts. There are good reasons this happens, and they might not be what you’d guess.

You can thrive as an introvert or a sensitive person in a loud world

We all have moments when we can’t find the right words, but word retrieval can be particularly challenging for introverts because we process information deeply. We chew on ideas, looking at them from all angles. When you’re deep in thought like this — even when you’re thinking about something as simple as what to make for dinner — it can be tough to talk. A lot of introverts don’t “think out loud” like extroverts do. We do our mental processing inwardly. Quietly. Without words.

As the name implies, long-term memory is where we keep information for a long time, maybe even forever. The information stored there is mostly outside our conscious awareness. so getting to it isn’t always easy. For example, try recalling your first day of kindergarten. Some details might come to mind easily, but others take more effort to remember.

On the other hand, we have a working memory (also known as short-term memory), where we keep information for just a few seconds. This information is easy to grab, but it doesn’t stick around unless we move it to long-term memory.

Interestingly, that introverts often use their long-term memory more than their working memory. Extroverts do the opposite, keeping information right on the tip of their tongue, ready to use.

The struggle to dig into long-term memory is real. You have to find the right “key” to unlock the memory you’re trying to bring up. For example, seeing a certain pair of sneakers (the key) might remind you of your own shoes from when you were a kid, which then reminds you of the milk that got spilled on your shoes on your first day of kindergarten. And just like that, you’re remembering more about that day.

But this process of digging into long-term memory can take time, which can slow us introverts down when we’re trying to talk.

When we’re nervous while trying to talk — like how I felt when my intimidating coworker approached me — it can make finding and saying the right words even harder. 

But it’s not just about writing blogs. Introverts often like to text or email instead of calling or meeting in person. Many also find that journaling helps them understand what they’re thinking and feeling better.

It’s because of how our brains work. When we write, we use different parts of our brain than when we talk, and these parts seem to work better for introverts.

Memory is a tricky business; it uses many parts of the brain. Your brain stores memories in different spots and builds connections between them. Like I said, you need to find the right key to pull something from your long-term memory. The good news is, most information in long-term memory is stored with multiple associations or keys to access them.

If you’re having trouble remembering a word, a fact, or even what you did on the weekend Let your mind wander and go where it wants. One thought might lead to another, and one of these thoughts might be the key to remembering what you need.

If you still can’t find the right words, don’t feel embarrassed or beat yourself up — your brain is just doing what it naturally does, which is to stop and think. If you’re being quiet, you’re in good company with other deep thinkers. Like the brilliant physicist Stephen Hawking said, “Quiet people have the loudest minds.”

To make any awkwardness go away, you can joke about being lost for words. Or you can say you’re a bit busy in your head right now, but you’ll get back to them later — by sending an email or a text.

 

The Old Sailor,