If your partner is breaking down at work

Dear Bloggers,

It has been awhile as last year didn't finish that good for all of us. That is also the only reason that I haven't been very active on writing on my blog. I apologize and hope that I will find a little more time to share my stories. Today I will write about the hassle that my spouse has with her direct manager. Who turned all of a sudden a nice working environment into a hell gate. It all started approx. A half a year ago as it was time for the annual assessment. She somehow was not doing it right according to her manager and she needed to write a coachingsplanning for that. So I helped her out with making the planning. But her boss then does nothing with this planning and put it aside. It was probably too much work for him.

 

For many weeks she has skirted, danced, boggled and boogied around it and kinda explained why it happened but never really gone into much “depth” as in: what happened, how it happened, how it felt. So I got bored, I have a few hours, am tired of talking to my wife and that is why I am gonna blabber here for a while. As my wife is sleeping as she is tired and feels very empty. Our conclusion is a work burnout or even a “nervous breakdown”?
You could also call it an emotional breakdown or perhaps a mental breakdown, but in essence a “breakdown” has occurred when someone becomes unable to deal with normal day-to-day life.

It can be ignited following a particular trauma, a series of events, or can even happen randomly and out of the blue with no precipitating identifiable cause.
“Nervous breakdown” isn’t even a medical term because a breakdown is far more easily accepted than bipolar, depression or anxiety; it is stigma at work!
A breakdown generally occurs when your circuits become overloaded. Your brain, heart, soul, emotions whatever you are under so much stress that they short circuit, and then shut off, and then you can’t find a nice clean unbroken fuse to mend them.

A manager who brings you down so much that he was discussing with her to quit her job which set in motion a chain of events which would cause her to lose her income, her best friends and all of this happening whilst she was suffering from a new kind of medication for her lungs. As her asthma is becoming a pretty serious physical illness which could have killed her if there would have been no intervention.

I think any one or two of those things could have the power to trigger a breakdown, but to have so many stressful emotional events hitting you when you are already physically, mentally and emotionally devastated from your asthma and a boss that's on your neck. Will get you into a breakdown doesn’t surprise me.

Let me try to explain to you what happened.
The day my spouse realised something was seriously wrong was the Tuesday she spent working with a coachingsperson that gave her the last emotional hit and then she snapped. She totally lost it and was on an obvious level for several hours before sitting down with her boss. Who was telling her that she did not belong here as she was worse than a new trainee it was like she was stinged with a flaming stick. Now I had wanted to phone someone at this point, I knew something was brewing and I was worried as this will not be a happy ending. 
 

She spent the next day glued to the bed, unable to move, she came out of bed as she had to get the kids to school and she evaded the actual events which had happened the day before. I thought that by reading and over thinking them I would be able to forget them. I would be able to make her forget about this nasty thoughts. She was browsing on her mobile phone all day to find a solution for all her problems. I told her it is better really to speak to someone. 


On the Wednesday she crawled to the job again, on the Friday I saw her totally crashing and I played the psychologist again, on the Saturday she fled into painting the walls.
After that week the specific days have become blurry, everything is just a mess in her mind. I know I know that she fought herself I know she has tried to rebuild her life, I know I played the occasional psychologist, I know I tried to do anything and everything that I could to fight what was happening to her and help her to get our lives back to something that we were able to enjoy.

Her decision making capacity was shot to fuck, her conversational ability had gone; (and yes she normally talks a …..lot.) anxiety, depression, were showing itself more and more The fact she had overcome all of this only a few months before contributed to the continuation of her depressive episode with her lungs!

I don’t think anyone can truly understand what having a breakdown feels like unless they have experienced one. Like depression and burn out “breakdown” is an overused word and does not in any way fully describe the pain and torment your mind is constantly under. You literally cannot function on a normal day-to-day level; your body is besieged with physical pain and your mind is engulfed with the sort of emotional pain I would never wish on anyone.

Relationships and Friendships following a breakdown…
One of the hardest things she had to deal with was being told repeatedly that who she thought were her friends were not really her friends (an example of being isolated by her abuser) and wouldn’t be there for her. Thus she was unable to talk to them about what she was going through as she was afraid of pushing them away which was inevitably going to happen anyway and so had to fight her breakdown alone.
 
After a breakdown your self confidence and self worth will be virtually non-existent, thus your ability to retain friendships and relationships will be put under further strain. As you are not thinking clearly your actions may cause harm to those people you care about, even if it is inadvertent, so you may need to apologise for anything which happened during the breakdown and work on rebuilding those friendships.
Although you will need to work out whether the problem was caused by you, or by them, if it was their problem they will need to find a way to deal with it as you should not have to accept responsibility.

At this moment she can’t sit here and talk about friendship really, At the moment she doesn’t have any, and as she is still fighting her breakdown. I cannot give profound advice on healing rifts and repairing damage.
I will say however that, like everyone, a show of kindness and love can help someone who has suffered from a breakdown. We all want to feel loved, we all need kindness, to help us get by.

Can you overcome a nervous breakdown?
The breakdown my wife experienced earlier was absolutely the most painful, distressing, chaotic and fear inducing period of her life. She literally just couldn't think straight in any way, her brain shut down and wasn’t functioning on any level. It was a constant daily fight to get through each conversation, each hour, each day. And that is pretty exhausting.

The road to recovery following a nervous breakdown is hard work, it could take you anywhere from 6 months to 3 years to fully recover. It can be done however, it’s not going to be easy, pretending it isn’t there won’t help but just cause longer term problems, it’s going to be painful, destructive and the hardest fight of your life.
But it can be done, never lose hope of that.

As City to city sings: The road ahead is empty
It's paved, with miles of the unknown
Whatever seems to be your destination
Take life the way it comes, take life the way it is

The Old Sailor,

if we use during the holidays a little bit of common sense if it comes to gifts

Dear Bloggers,

We just celebrated Sinterklaas something similar to Christmas only thing that I still don't understand is that parent's want to buy off their guilt feelings with bigger and bigger presents. They better should be worried by the future and our planet. We absolutely could live with less stuff as long a gift comes from the heart.

If Christmas is about presents, then in 2014, my little family and I will have no more Christmas. I mean, we love the caroling and the uncle playing the piano and the cousins running around with my ten year old, daughter and the grandfather trying to get her to sit on his lap and en joying all the good food.

We have, in other words, an amazingly good time.

What we didn’t have, though, was the average €500 hole in our bank accounts, gouged out by Sinterklaaspresent spending. 

(In the Netherlands we celebrate Sinterklaas like Christmas on the 5^th of December) This year we did things a bit different. Nor did we have the credit limit like other years. No, this year only our youngest got something extra but the rest of us got only a few useful items and none of those gifts were what we didn’t really want. We only had one stressful rush of last-minute crowds at the mall.

Without the big presents, you see, we didn’t have the sensation that I, at least, normally associated with Sinterklaas, the stress. And without stress or presents, it’s not Sinterklaas, right? But of course it was. To me it was the best of Sinterklaas, the part that, research shows, makes people happiest. It was all the upside without the downside.

Let me back this up.

From November 2012 to November 2013, I and my little family, one wife, one teen girl, one minor child and two cat’s embarked on a lifestyle experiment in which we tried to live with a lower environmental impact. Among other measures, the experiment included not buying trash and not buying new gadgets that appear later on to be useless anyway.

This may sound like a lot of meaningless self-deprivation, but the question that we wanted to answer was this: Does consuming a fewer resources actually make you feel like deprivation, or is it possible that consuming less opens up another way of life that provides a more enduring satisfaction? Or let me put it another way, can we find a win-win way of life that might be happier both for us and for the whole planet? All big things will start somewhere small in my opinion!

My wife drives the family vehicle. In my little world, cars are a big item I drive a nearly 20 year old environmental unfriendly Peugeot. There are others and it is time to find a newer car with less carbon emission. No, I cannot afford to drive a newer emission free model as I have no financial resources for that, no carbon emissions. Like going by push bike is not an option for me as my work is more than 30 kilometers away unfortunately. 

On the other hand, eating and shopping local and riding bikes instead of driving cars when possible allowed us to lose the so called spare tires around our guts, cure ourselves of longstanding skin problems and insomnia and become generally healthier.

Our experiences illustrated that some uses of planetary resources improve quality of life and some may not. Indeed, we could go a long way toward dealing with the crisis in our planetary habitat.

But as Sinterklaas approached this year, the more pressing question for us was, did the season’s huge consumption of resources add something to the Sinterklaas experience or not? Since one-sixth of all retail sales occurs during the holiday season, it’s a question worth asking.

Despite the fact that people spend relatively large portions of their income on gifts, as well as time shopping for and wrapping them, such behavior apparently contributes little to holiday joy.

I’ve already told you enough to let you guess how my little family’s experience played out, but you may be surprised to learn that our findings are backed up by bona fide psychological research.

Of course, this makes perfect sense. We all know in our hearts that treasuring meaningful experiences and spending time in valued relationships at Sinterklaas, Christmas or any other part of the year make us happier than getting more stuff.

But try telling that to the grandparents at Sinterklaas or Christmas time!

The trick to a happy, sustainable, non-consumptive Sinterklaas was not, we discovered, to ignore the expectations of the people we celebrated with. We didn’t want our loved ones to feel bad. Those who expected presents should get them, we decided. Gifts, after all, are associated with the exchange of love.

Still, my wife, worried very much that it would be hard for the kids if all the cousins had presents to open and they didn’t. Try saying, “The research says you’ll be happier with less.” to a ten year old. 

So we got her some toys and contributed some toys that she had outgrown, to the poor and we wrapped them for Sinterklaas as she had not even unpacked them.

When present-opening time came, my eldest daughter didn’t care whether the present that she was opening was for her or not. Much to our surprise, she didn’t even nag about the fact that she got less this year than her little sister. What was important to her was what turned out to be important to us: the singing, the poems, the laughter, the time spent with family, and of course, the celebration.

Here I gathered some adorable gift ideas that will be affordable, adorable, and festive.

Gifts for Teachers & Tutors

Truly great teachers deserve some special recognition for their hard work and dedication. Show your appreciation at any time with a homemade cookie jar. Simply choose a glass jar with lid and fill it with your choice of ready to eat cookies or layered cookie mix. Attach a label that says, “You are one smart cookie!” and tie a festive ribbon around the neck of the jar. This is also a wonderful gift for someone in a nursing home, although a plastic jar is recommended for safety reasons. 

Gifts for Bus Drivers & Postal Workers

These hard working definitely deserve a nice gift to remind them how much we appreciate their dedication and efforts. For a great gift with almost no fuss, buy a six pack beer and affix a big ribbon and homemade gift tag with the words, “You’re an awesome Bus Driver” or whichever title fits your needs. Finish the gift by attaching a delicious bag of candies and viola… a wonderful and inexpensive gift. This gift is also wonderful for your child’s best friend.

Gifts for Beauticians and Housekeepers

This is a wonderful gift idea for those on your list whose hands and nails could use a little spoiling. Choose an attractive glass jar and fill it with lotion, nail polish, cotton balls, nail polish remover, emery boards, and all the goodies necessary for a luxurious manicure. Tie festive ribbon around the neck and affix a special bow for the top for a sweet treat - a Manicure in a Jar.

Christmas or Sinterklaas is an opportunity to be creative and discover new ways to save money while appreciating everyone who makes life just a bit more enjoyable. These gifts can be altered to suit just about anyone on your Holiday list. 

A gift that is given from the heart is more beautiful. I would say try it and stay on the budget it is more fun to give love than what money can buy.

The Old Sailor, 

Analyzing a Dutch tradition through the history of Western creations of stereotypes of black people

Dear Bloggers,

In the Netherlands we have an old traditon called Sinterklaas his helpers are black petes. Jolly guys who are the best friends of kids now. Although this was different in my childhood if you were naughty you would be beaten with a twitch or even taken to Spain in the sack. I was scared of the guy.
Dutch society, and therefore the Dutch people, take much pride in being extremely tolerant and anti-racist. Their history proves it; their open policies demonstrate it. Yet there is a huge discrepancy between what is claimed by society in general, and what many minorities experience. The traditional Dutch celebration of Santa Clause, “Sinterklaas” in Dutch, is an example of such a discrepancy. The character of Black Pete, “Zwarte Piet,” in the Sinterklaas holiday has been a very controversial issue in The Netherlands. Many believe that the depiction of Black Pete is racist. This blog will look at the historical origins of some of the most standard stereotypes pitted against black people by Europe and the United States, and use them as a foundation for analyzing the portrayal of Black Pete and the controversy surrounding it.

 Sinterklaas en Zwarte Piet

 

Europe and the “Savage”

Throughout history, images of Africa and black people as perceived by Europeans changed with the circumstances of societies. The first major stereotype of black peoples to be discussed is the African "savage". This concept of savagery used against African peoples is not specific to Africa. It is directly related to the Eurocentric belief that technology and industrialization are symbols of, and nature is a symbol of the lack of, evolution and "civilization." Societies which believed that the natural environment was something to be respected and protected to be lived in harmoniously and not owned as they were considered primitive, un-evolved, and unorganized people who had no ability nor desire to make 'good use' of the opportunities right in front of them. This attitude was first developed by European immigrants to the Americas, and expressed through their judgement of Native Americans. Peoples seen as "savage" by Europeans were considered to be sub-human lacking any sort of culture or history and living in anarchy.

 A missionary playing "The white saviour"

The primitive savage stereotype also served as a justification for the missionary in Africa. Africans were depicted as lacking any system of morality or religion, and condemned for heathen practice of worshipping idols connected to the devil and against God/Jesus. Missionary agendas served to defend and maintain the image/self-image and dominant role of the Catholic Church that had been losing ground in a secularized Europe. "Saving the lost heathens" justified the missions, with much of the imagery depicting the missionary as the center of attention, using the "lost heathens" to be "saved" as a sort of scenery always shown in groups, lacking any individuality or characteristic that could personalize, yet in many cases depicted as thankful and/or in adoration of their "white saviour."
Once the colonial rule was established, however, the African could no longer be depicted as the enemy: "Savages had to be turned into political subjects." The brutal and threatening savage was turned into a childlike, unintelligent, and therefore harmless savage, content with the colonial establishment. This, of course, was the same as the stereotypes propagated by the missions. It served the Europeans' need to not feel threatened by Africans, and to have one's justifications for colonization (including conversion) validated; they needed and wanted to be 'taken care of', and the hierarchy within this was a natural product of the inherent state of the African and the European. Thus developed the notion of the colonized spectacle: black people functioning for the entertainment and enjoyment of Europeans.
I would explain it "this kind of humour serves as part of the culture of domination. Laughter stigmatises and thus demarcated the frontier between cultural worlds."

 Native African or Savage

 

Sinterklaas and Zwarte Piet

In The Netherlands, Santa Clause, the character developed from the historical figure (or some say legend) Saint Nicholas, is celebrated separately from the traditional Christmas holiday. Contrary to the American Santa Clause coming from the North Pole with his reindeer; the Dutch Sinterklaas comes from Spain on a boat with a group of black servants, the Black Petes (“Zwarte Pieten”). Let me try to explain how Sinterklaas is celebrated. "A few weeks before the official holiday, Sinterklaas comes to the Netherlands (and Belgium) on his steamboat with all his Petes, into the city and the presents which they prepared in Spain during the year." This is a performance by adults for the children in nearly all major cities. The event is shown on Dutch television. The Mayor of a given city welcomes Sinterklaas. Schools and families welcome Black Petes. Towards December 5th, children can put their shoes in front of the fireplace. During the night St. Nicholas visits all the houses by traveling over the roofs on his horse. Often the children put straw, carrots and water near their shoes for the horse. Black Pete enters the houses through the chimney to put little presents in the children's shoes.
Theories about the history behind the characters of Sinterklaas and Zwarte Piet vary. The story of Saint Nicholas exists in various European countries. St. Nicholas was a bishop of Myra, (in the region of present-day Turkey) in the 4th century A.D. There are many legends about the exceptional selfless acts of kindness he is said to have performed in his life for many kinds of people. The Catholic Church declared him a saint. Many tales about his life made him the patron saint of almost every possible group in the society. There are a lot of speculations, but none of them are based on facts. The legends about St. Nicholas are all written after his death…and cannot be proven.
Others claim that St. Nicholas did exist but that the Sinterklaas of today is a fusion of St. Nicholas and Wodan, the ancient Germanic god. As the highest god, Wodan had a fellowship. He rode an eight-legged horse in the sky, and was assisted by his two servants, Eckhard and Oel. Wodan also owned a javelin with a snake and two black ravens, which would inform him about the behavior of people on the ground. In the Middle Ages Sinterklaas traveled with a creature on a leash that represented the devil. “This creature disappeared for a couple of centuries. At the end of the 19th century, Sinterklaas was again given a servant, a young black man in the costume of a 16th century page.

 Native Americans

 

The speculations about this figure are varied as well. In 1850 Jan Schenkman wrote a children’s book called ‘Saint Nicholas and His Servant’. There is no name given to this "servant." He is simply referred to as such. Some claim that the portrait of the servant is inspired by the representations of the Moors in portrait art of the 17th and 18th century.
Enter the modern day Sinterklaas and Zwarte Piet. Leading up to W.W.II, Black Pete’s job was to investigate which children had been “bad,” and to take them away in his sack and/or whip them for discipline. Today, the dominating image of Black Pete is more one of entertainment for others’ enjoyment: He helps Sinterklaas deliver the presents and no longer acts as the one who brings punishment to the bad children. But the old task of Black Pete is still referred to in a funny matter. Many parents joke and say “I will tell Black Pete to take you with him to Spain!”. Sinterklaas will ask Black Pete to see ‘The Book’, which lists all the right and wrong things a child did. Over time, Zwarte Piet’s character morphed into a group of Black Petes; all considered a Zwarte Piet, but each with different characteristics.
In the celebrations, Sinterklaas, who is white, is played by a white person. Black Pete is played in full blackface, usually by a white person as well, or by a black person also in blackface. The actors paint their faces black with huge red lips, wear a curly wig and Moorish dress. “They are portrayed as young, and agile, and do much running and jumping around and acting like acrobats," as they need to climb on the roof. Sinterklaas is portrayed as old, wise, mature, calm, and in control. In celebrations and the media, Black Pete is overwhelmingly viewed by children and adults as unintelligent and clownish.

 The boat with presents for everyone

 

These and other characteristics were found to be typical characteristics of Black Pete as well as black characters in general in Dutch children’s books.
Sinterklaas is considered the employer/owner of Black Pete. Black Pete has no autonomy with regards to what he is doing or where he is going; Sinterklaas is the boss. He will tell Black Pete, for example, to give him his book and hold his staff. Furthermore, Sinterklaas will sit on a chair while the Black Petes always stand. The Black Petes are holding the sack with presents and the roe (a kind whip which is not in use anymore) in the other hand. Sinterklaas would decide if the child needed to get the roe or a present.
Many people would describe the overall image of Black Pete’s portrayal as “white people dressing up as black and acting stupid.” This sentiment is echoed by a lot of dark skinned people on of them is a 15 year old student who recalls celebrating Sinterklaas in her younger years at school: “they are like Santa's helpers…the funny one, the grumpy one, the nice one…I do think it’s discriminatory, – the way he acts and everything, it is very messed up …they’re sort of dumb on the TV and all.” Another trend in the portrayal of Black Pete is for those playing him to speak with a Surinamese accent. It's just that children will subconsciously store all this information and when they've read another book or see something on television, etc. that's the same, it's also stored, and it adds up."
For these and many other reasons, some people see Sinterklaas as it is now done as racist in nature. Black Pete has similarities with remainings of concepts from the transatlantic Dutch colonial and slave past.
Actions of different organizations and institutes are almost 20 years focused on reorientation of the concept or abolishment of Black Pete because of the racist element and its psychological effect on the black Dutch children of African descent. 

 Zwarte Piet or Black Pete

 

The way Sinterklaas and Black Petes are celebrated has a negative imagebuilding with children because of the projection of a superior white race of Sinterklaas against the inferior black race of a dumb black helping Pete, and so the superior vs. inferior thoughts are growing.
Other people in Dutch society, mostly white but some of color, disagree with these sentiments. Some recurring themes were "why do we have to change tradition? We've been celebrating it this way since for years." A very common argument is that Sinterklaas is for children who love Sinterklaas. Therefore it is not racist. Adults are making it into something that children don't even care about. Sinterklaas is considered not racist because it is a Dutch tradition which children enjoy”. This is not the case for many black children.
The only thing I can still remember with certainty is the black make-up on my skin as if my face became heavier, the thick layer of lipstick of which I had the feeling that it would slide into my mouth if I would talk too much, and that I found it ordinary that I became Black Pete, although destiny had designated me as a Sinterklaas...I end up to the conclusion that this was 'normal'.
Other defenses of Sinterklaas have been more threatening in their nature. Many are openly dismissive of the raising of the issue, seeing it as an example of Dutch culture being stripped away by the growing immigrant population. One will hear statements such as "we have so little left." People will become quite angry about it. Recent research on racism in the Netherlands, spoke of some of these issues as well. It focused on the trend of Dutch people using Sinterklaas as a measure of how 'integrated' an allochtoon (an immigrant or (grand) child of an immigrant) really is. They will ask "do you like Sinterklaas?…do you enjoy Sinterklaas?…"
There is this anti-racist norm, but there is also a very strong feeling that anything should be able to be said, there should be no taboos…but people aren't allowed to say anything is racist. Nothing can be racist, it's just too bad…There is racism somewhere, but this particular thing is not part of that…accepting it would require action…if we all agree it is not so bad, then we don't have to do anything about it.

 Cartoon of Sjors and Sjimmie and how they adapted through time

 

Other responses to the idea of Sinterklaas exposed another aspect of the common Dutch mentality. Many have expressed sentiments such as "it's silly to think that Black Pete makes people believe that all black people are like Black Pete." But still it is recognized as the colonial and blackface elements, yet still do not believe it to be a big deal. "There's so many other bad things in the world…If black people are celebrating it…" Many other dismissive sentiments were expressed throughout the discussion of Black Pete, during the lst couple of weeks.

 Sinterklaas riding his white horse Amerigo

 

Analysis

Examination of the history of white depictions of black people exposes the deeply ingrained stereotypes that are inherent within and promoted through the Sinterklaas and Black Pete tradition as it has been and is celebrated. The physical characteristics portrayed in Zwarte Piet are the standard western stereotypes of black people as expressed through imagery and performance. Black Piet is an expression of numerous classic Western prejudices against black peoples that depict inferiority. He conveys the position of both a servant, and the child that exemplifies the paternal/ childlike imagery of the colonizer to the colonized, the missionary to the converted, and the master to the servant. He embodies stupidity as well as the immaturity created as justification for reason to discipline as well as the comedic spectacle of the African too savage to be able to fully become 'civilized'. He is pitted against the personalization and reverence of the one white savior-like figure among the masses.
What needs to be addressed is not whether this tradition (or elements of it) is racist, but why the majority of Dutch society is denying the truth that it is. The answer, we believe, is not at all specific to the unique characteristics of the Sinterklaas/Zwarte Piet issue. The answer is not even specific to the Netherlands, or to Europe for that matter. The larger issue is the gross misunderstanding of what "racism" is, of how "racism" works, and white guilt and identity.

 Wodan on his eight legged horse Sleipnir

 

Those who have a deeper understanding, however, know that "racism" represents a state of mind that supports or creates means of causing harm to one or more specific racial groups. Racism is not just explicit: it is implicit, and, in fact, is mostly implicit. Racism is not just the conscious; it is subconscious and, in fact, is mostly subconscious. Racism does not just enter the minds of whites but is internalized in the views of people of color themselves. Racism is not just about intention: it is about function, and, in fact, is mostly about function. One cannot just adhere to stereotypes about others and then claim they're not racist because they didn't mean to harbor the prejudice that exists inside them. For a marginalized person, any experience with prejudice, is an experience with racism.
Is this only out of ignorance however, or does it also stem from people's resistance to face their own demons? Haven’t these issues been brought up before, or does our extremist definition of racism serve as a way for us to separate ourselves from those other kinds of people, who intentionally and openly hate. Can we look down on them and say, "I'm not racist, I'm not one of them?" 

 Odin and his black crow

 

What happens when one is so concerned with not being something that the people refuse to look at themselves critically in fear of finding what they don't like, and in many cases greatly oppose? But the resistance keeps the Dutch and so many other people from being able to learn about the more complex, subtler, psychological, and institutionalized aspects of racism in an open, objective, and holistic way.
When someone says Sinterklaas is not racist, answer, "what is racism," not "yes it is." When someone says they should be free to say whatever they want, tell them that you also should be free to point out the prejudice inherent in what they say. And furthermore, if they believed in what say they believe in, they would be not resistant but open to the comment because that is how growth and change takes place. When someone says Sinterklaas is an old Dutch tradition, ask them if they then believe that other cultures of people who have come to the Netherlands should hold on to all of their traditions regardless of anything else. This will expose the hypocrisy that often rests in their answer. And when they say again, (as they often will) "but it's our tradition," what would be your answer?

The Old Sailor,

Ten years after the fall

Dear Bloggers,

In 2003 we just moved into this house, I slipped and fell down the stairs. The doctor was called and as it looked bad as they thought i had broken my neck or spine, the ambulance service was called. The light was out in my head and things past around me in a far distance. The paramedics were rushing in, to treat a man who’d had made a crash landing from the stairs, when they spotted me lying in the middle of the hall next to the staircase.

I was conscious, alive and talking with a double tongue- but my blood pressure and pulse were normal, Only my head and left hand hurt. I can't remember much of that night. The next morning when i was woken up by the nurse. The doctor said that i should consider myself lucky.

It was 11am and I said i wanted to go home: but the medics persuaded her to stay at the hospital.'If you get a second chance in life, you ask yourself what you are going to do with it,' 

My head soon hurt so much that I was sent for a CT scan.
The scan showed I was suffering a contusion but there were no hematomas on the scan but there was a lot of activity across the brain.‘I’ll never know what happened. Last thing i remember that i was on top of the stairs. 

I was transferred to the head trauma centre at the local hospital in Heerenveen, and by the time my wife arrived from our home 15 minutes later, They gave her a status update that there might be a chance on brain damage and only time could tell.
Thankfully the paramedics did everything to save me, but my life nonetheless changed for ever that night.Before her accident, this fit and fiercely independent young man, who became friends with everyone became a lot more distant even to the ones the closest to me. Emotional there was no such thing as that one guy that I vaguely recognized from the past. The body was me but I was trapped in my own brain. And somehow I am still searching for the old me. 
 

  
I was now facing an arduous recovery. The injury left me with a blurred vision in the left eye, extreme exhaustion and what I would describe as a ‘constant heaviness’ in the head.
Now, ten years on, I need 8 hours sleep a night any less and I suffer from‘cracking headaches’ that can last for several days. And I am yawning all the way when i am behind the wheel. I also have occasional memory lapses. I am still hopeful things will keep improving, but there are no guarantees.'I could have kept a diary so I can remind myself I am getting better,' but no I didn't and it is hard to remember after all those years.
Every year, 21,000 people are admitted to hospital in the Netherlands with a brain injury. 

It’s likely that I've hit the wall with my head when I fell down the stairs or was knocked out by the hard floor. But the causes of brain injuries can range from falling down the stairs, to a stroke or heart attack that interrupts the brain’s oxygen supply.
‘I made a really good recovery they say, but often patients don’t do so well.
'It depends on the kind of injury, as well as the support they get,’ said my Neurologist.
When the brain is injured, it swells like any other body part, he explained.
‘But the skull is fixed — there’s nowhere for the brain to go, so it gets squashed. That’s why rapid diagnosis is needed.

‘The regions of the brain that control the basic functions that support life can get squashed out of the tiny hole at the bottom of the skull where the brain meets the spinal cord. That’s often what kills patients.’ More and more people are surviving brain injury and stroke, but the long-term consequences can be devastating. In my case my character changed.
The area of the brain that controls emotions may be damaged, as a result of which a patient’s personality can change. Rates of depression and anxiety are high, often leading to relationship breakdown. And that is something that still scares me.

Cognitive and memory problems are common, too, which can make your job impossible.
The brain moves when it is injured, which may cause the axons — fibres that send signals between brain cells — to tear, so signals travel more slowly.Tiredness is also a problem, as the brain must work harder in everyday tasks. The area controlling sleep can be damaged, too.

After leaving hospital, I spent at least four months at home, sleeping for much of the day and taking short walks. In the beginning I was falling over and I lied to my wife that nothing happened.
Gradually, the energy began to return. And before long, I hit upon a desire to take a long walk.Secretly, I made plans to get back to the point were i was before the accident. So with a lot of help from good friends. I learned most things back although calculating from the head is still not back, furthermore my character has still not changed back. I am more grumpy and I am missing the soft side of me. It is somewhere out there but I have not found it yet. I am afraid that somethings are not changing back.

‘If you get a second chance in life, you ask yourself what you are going to do with it,’
‘I wanted to get away from everything to think.’ In July, five months after the accident, I set off and got back to my working place again. Language was the main problem as English is the language used among an international crew. My wife had to do the talking as I could not find the words. Very irritating when you know what to say but simply cannot speak the language anymore. I was totally frustrated and went off like a mad man on my wife. Who had done the best way of English she could but there was no appreciation from my side only anger.

The doctors thought it would provide a goal, and a good rehabilitation process.
‘I think I was still slightly not with it. Lots of people have said to my wife, “I can’t believe that you don't let him go” but she said he is 35 and I still love him. I guess that she is longing for the guy she dell in love with. I was so focused on my own recovery that I forgot to work on my soft side. They couldn’t really stop me even if they’d tried. I’ve gone deep but believe me, I never been a quitter.’

It was a journey that would have tested even the most hardened. It has been hell week for more than a year in a row. Most people I met were doing just a section of the epic stretch. They were astounded that this young man was attempting to do the whole thing alone.
I practised from dawn till dusk on languages for six months, with only a few stops. I had to get back in the saddle and feed my family again.

I endured moments of ‘desperate’ loneliness and such a sore head that ‘if someone had offered to cut it off, I’d have said yes’. 
 

Some things, though, have changed for the better.
‘I don't think I’ve become a nicer person. Everyone in my family says they preferred the old me. 'It’s as if I’ve had an edge knocked off, I don’t have the energy to bulldoze through life anymore. ‘I’m less patient, and more openly emotional. I’ve got a calmness that I’ve never had before.’ Before I would fight with everyone and take up the discussion.
I prefer not to dwell on what happened that night it sometimes makes me curious, but I’m not sure I want to open that door again.

The doctors warned me that my brain injury can lead to depression, but I think it’s had the reverse effect on me. ‘From the moment I woke up that morning in hospital, I felt like I was drunk and really happy. ‘I’ve experienced depression, and it’s only when you nearly lose your life that you feel guilty that you ever had those dark thoughts that you wanted to end it.

‘You think: “Woah, hang on a minute! I actually want to stay alive.”



The Old Sailor,