Married or Single who is happier?

Dear Bloggers,

Last night I had to work and somehow during a break we talked about relationships of our drivers and pretty quickly I calculated that 85% of my new colleagues either is divorced or is in the middle of the separation process. Staying together with the same partner is getting more and more unique. I can tell you from my own experience that it is a bumpy road, and you have to take it slow not to break it.

You have to live with eachothers mishaps as well

 

Diehard romantics say you can't put a price on love, but a pair of European economists disagrees, the two men calculated the monetary worth of marriage at $100,000 per year. Hmmm......surprises me as I am always out of money. But this given I started digging again to fimd out what is normal nowadays.

Despite the potential payoff, people in Europe are putting off marriage later in life than ever before. In correlation with the rising life expectancy, men and women are giving themselves more time before exchanging vows. The average age for an American woman to get hitched rose from 20.8 to 25.3 from 1970 to 2003. Additionally, more adults are living the single life, thanks in large part to the higher divorce rate. According to data, 90 percent more single-person households existed in 2005 than in 1970.

And they lived..........Scary fairytale

Over the past 30 years, marriage has become more of a social choice than a necessity, but all it takes is a few episodes of "Sex and the City" to see that Western culture still favors cohabitation. Humans' animal instincts are wired for mating in one way or another. Moreover, a pervasive idea exists that discovering a soul mate brings joy and makes life worth living. Perhaps we aren't far off the mark; studies have shown that married people tend to earn more money and live longer than singles. Marriage also appears to promote better health. The study showed that husbands and wives are less likely to smoke or drink heavily, experience frequent headaches and suffer from psychological problems than people who aren't married.

But betting on marriage to bring you happiness may be a risky gamble. After all, the odds of holding on to that perfect partner forever have been whittled down to a coin flip -- about 48 percent of marriages end in divorce. Nevertheless, psychologists have pointed to marriage as the single most reliable happiness indicator. Across nations and ethnic groups, people report greater happiness from marriage than career, community or money. A 2005 survey substantiates these assertions. Forty-three percent of married respondents reported that they were "very happy," compared to 24 percent of unmarried individuals. Those results were consistent for all age groups and genders.

As any good scientist knows, correlation does not always equal causation. To close the case on whether marital bliss trumps the single life, we must deduce which comes first: happiness or marriage?

But what when the Honeymoon ends?
Does marriage make people happier, or do happier people get married?

A study of 24,000 German couples demonstrated the existence of the honeymoon phase that newlyweds experience. Tracking the couples' happiness levels over 15 years, a psychology professor from Michigan State University found that spouses exhibited an uptick in happiness soon after marriage. Then, those happiness levels gradually returned to their premarital state.

The Old Sailors wallet (onion leather, as every time you look in it, you will get tears in your eyes.)

This pattern is comparable to the effects of sudden financial improvement on people's happiness. For people living with relatively low incomes, money can buy happiness for a while. Yet the longer someone gets used to having more cash on hand, the more it loses its luster.

Absolutely........ Ehhr, no comment.

This doesn't negate the survey results that show higher happiness rates among married people. Rather, it has led some psychologists to conjecture that married people are merely more inclined toward happiness since they're happier to begin with. Humans are predisposed to certain happiness ranges depending on their genetics, personality and life circumstances. Also, happier people are generally more social, and it follows that people who actively socialize will be more likely to meet someone they'd like to marry.

As with other major life events, people are inclined to return to their innate happiness baselines as time goes on. The study of German couples found that this holds true even with the death of a spouse. Yet the same psychologist who conducted the initial research concluded that bouncing back to that baseline may be harder following divorce. The participants who went through divorce had a slightly lower level of life satisfaction.

Expectations for marital bliss can also play an important role in determining happiness. A study from the University of Florida highlighted a relationship between the skills that people bring to a marriage and people's anticipation for how much marriage will improve their lives. If partners have overly high expectations for marriage transforming their lives into in a joyous wonderland, they need to have the relationship skills to match. Otherwise, it's like going to a spelling bee expecting first place without ever cracking a dictionary.

As we've learned from happiness surveys, wedding bells can portend happy futures. But happily ever after requires more than an "I do." Marriage won't magically create happiness, which makes personal character development during the single years even more important.

Darn, a good marriage is a lot of hard work.

The Old Sailor,



Does the new generation of "The @World" parents read books?

Dear Bloggers,

Your child and You too should read a book in our YouTube world!


When I look outside the world looks pretty sad as it is pooring rain all day long, it is cold and wet. These are the first signs that the dark autumn day are coming. After diner I turn on the heating and automaticly I turn on the television. After watching my favorite sitcom two and a half men, I lay on the couch and grab a book. I have not been reading a book for at least half a year. Our two cats hop on my lap and wander what I am doing. But soon they lay down and fall asleep.

I really want to know how to raise a confident reader? Should you read a book, scan blogs, go to YouTube, or watch TV? What is the best method to get my kids to read? Modern parents have lots of options for finding information, we had to figure things out by reading in the encyclopedia or borrow detailed books from the library. Every parent knows you are supposed to read to your child, but in the print versus digital world do busy parents have time to read a book.

Lucky me as my youngest is just learning to read and is pretty frustrated that this reading thing is taking time. So grandma gave her a book with pictures and readable words for a kid from her age. And she is so proud that she can read a book. My eldest daughter is reading a book a week from Carry Slee who is famous among the Dutch teenagers. She is writing in her typical own style, it is mix of excitement, romantic and fictionary passages according to my daughter. I am happy that she is reading good old fashioned printed on paper kind of books. As there is nothing so nice then sitting on the couch reading a book.

In 1955 Rudolph Flesch wrote “Why Johnny Can't Read” and reached millions of parents. Maybe it is time for a comparable guide for 21st century parents, and maybe it should be a short film on Youtube. As statistics tell me that today's parents don't read books! Are we at risk for failure raising our children due to tech-forward approaches? Why should we read a book if you can pop it in a video, plop your kid in front of the tube, and let the machine teach her? Hmmmm……I learned a lot by reading all kinds of books, but I hardly read newspapers anymore, the headlines I read on the internet version on my smartphone.

If it was up to me and I had to choose between television and a good book. My choice will be easy it will be the book. Do not think that I don’t enjoy the modern technical enhanced world that we are living in. A downside is the haste that we have created in our fast lane lives. Maybe we should take things a step slower and enjoy the things around us. Eventhough the weather is miserable, there is no reason to become depressed but just relax and read a book. Or even better sit down with your kid and read to them. A lot of fairytales are made by great storiytellers as well.

In my passionate attempt to help guide these poor parents, in this admittedly tech-challenged world and this digitally befuddled author is sandwiching blog posting, driving the bus, reading books, watching television and all of this spiced up with YouTube, Hyves, Twitter, and Facebook.

And they lived happily ever after…..

The Old Sailor,

Hire an older unemployed person

Dear Bloggers,


During one of my breaks I was reading the newspaper and suddenly a article about unemployment drew my attention. I am one of these people I have a job for a certain period and all the rest is based on insecurity. Maybe I will be unemployed soon again. And it is pretty hard too find a suitable job if you are over 40 as you are too young not to work and too old for a lot of employers. This idiotic theory should come to a halt as an older guy or girl can be as good as young one. The young generation is normally there only to earn some money and is furthermore not interrested in the goal of the company. Employers should use their brain as in certain jobs there are young people that do not give a ......

Last week, thousands of Dutch who have exhausted their unemployment benefits. The forty plus group, named after the maximum number of living years are living on state and federal benefits This group has kids that study, high mortgage bills and hardly any money left to spent. They sent letters and petitions to The Hague as part of a futile campaign to convince the government to pass a bolstered version of the jobs bill, now stalled and being snowed under by the formation of a cabinet. There were many common themes in their stories, but one of the more surprising was age.

One woman from Haarlem, wrote: “I am (or was) a legal secretary with several years of experience (30+ years). … I have applied to jobs that are more than one-half less than what I was earning. I search for a job each and every day. … Where do people in my age bracket go? Too young not to work but too old to work?”

Such stories of older workers too young for retirement but struggling for months if not years to find jobs have policy experts concerned as the recession drags on and long-term unemployment continues to rise. Experts say that age discrimination is illegal and severely compounding the jobs crisis for older workers, although the phenomenon is difficult to quantify or to prove, and remains under-examined by the government. This time, it is not just making it more likely that these workers will be laid off. It is also making it much harder for them to gain new positions.

Last week, a hearing called by the UWV examined the issue, attempting to determine whether part of the reason older workers have such trouble finding work, on aggregate. The unemployment rate is a comparatively moderate 9.1 percent for workers over the age of 40 It’s 3.7 percent over 55 as older workers are more likely to retire early or leave the workforce if they lose their jobs. But that hides the troubling reality for those who can’t afford to leave the labor force. They should take action now as in a few years these people you will need the most but they will be used to staying at home and try to survive. Most of them have lost their faith in politicians already a long time ago. The ones that have failed the most have the biggest mouths or have been chosen to make a new cabinet.

The unemployment rate for over 40s is at the highest level since 1948. Since the recession started, both the number of older people seeking work and the rate of unemployment for over 40s have increased more sharply than for all other demographic groups. And older workers comprise a high share of the long-term unemployed. In May, the average duration of unemployment for older job-seekers climbed to 44.2 weeks, 11 more weeks than the national average. Nearly six in ten older job-seekers have been out of work for more than six months.

There are structural reasons that the unemployment crisis is hitting older Dutch so hard. Older workers are more likely to be underwater homeowners, unable to sell their house and move away. They often have highly specific marketable skills, and seek positions more selectively. They also often have skills that have been taken out or being combined due to the recession. But too often, employers illegally presume that older workers will be harder to train, more likely to leave for other positions, less productive, less technologically able or less willing to move and so they do not hire them for those reasons. In my opinion the government should help out with this by tax profits if you hire an over 40 worker. As it is all about money anyway.

Incidences of age discrimination in firing are much clearer to see, and have risen along with the recession. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission says age discrimination cases have jumped 17 percent since the start of the recession, and climbed 30 percent between 2007 and 2008. But virtually all of those cases involve layoffs, rather than the lack of job offers.

Unfortunately, policy experts fear that age discrimination in hiring, compounded by the recession, is a problem without a solution. Individuals can bring cases against individual companies, but discrimination is virtually impossible to prove, even if it is easy to see as an aggregate phenomenon. Plus, the phenomenon is so prevalent that discrimination simply seems like reality. “As a society, we’re willing to tolerate age discrimination, more so than other kinds of discrimination,” “People sense that, and it gives older job-seekers a sense of futility. Why even bother applying for jobs, or bringing a discrimination case? I won’t win.”

The Old Sailor,

Nobody said it would be easy, Nobody told it would be this hard.

Dear Bloggers,


Sundayafternoon we visited my Dad who is hospitalized with stomachproblems.
When I entered the room I saw a broken man who became very quickly old and fragile.
Not really the picture that I remembered from the last time that I saw him.
He was sounding depressed as he was telling that his head could not follow all the things that he wanted to do. He had not that long ago a few minor strokes which effected his memory.

I all of sudden realized that he feels trapped in his body as the mind and body are not working on the same frequences anymore. and that I can tell you is a horrible feeling. I had a similair feeling after I fell of the stairs a couple of years ago and my brain was heavily disturbed by the fall. My God I was so frustrated as I knew excactly what I would say but there were no words. I still have problems in places where a lot of people come together and make a lot of noise.

My Dad is not a real complainer but you can easily sense that he had enough. My mind is making overtime and I somehow had the feeling that this might be his last moments, hours,days of his life. He is mising my Mum still every day, eventhough she passed away a couple of years ago. She was the engine of our entire family as friends were always welcome and most of the time she had fresh brewed coffee. It really grabs me by the troath if I think about what might come, do not think that I am down or depressed as it is all a part of the daily life.

I have to call myself lucky as I did not loose a parent on a younger age due to a car accident or what so ever could have happened. This came to my mind as a car crashed in front of me when I drove back from Leeuwarden on line 14, the things that flashed through my head when I saw the fire brigade busy to cut the victim out of his vehicle. I will light a candle for a dear lost one today and I should do this every day.

No one said it would be this hard either. Screaming, shaking, crying. Cascades of water running like rivers down my face. He doesn't care. She doesn't care. Does anyone in this world care anymore? If you care so much for someone, why do they continually hurt you? Is this what life is going to be? Loosing yourself is like a never ending domino effect. Is that how every decision in life is? Every decision effects someone in an entirely different way than you can even imagine? I think that's how it is. If it weren't for that, crazy things would be happening all over the world.

We are a generally self centered people. We say we don't want people to kill themselves (or whatever... make a bad decision, ect.) because we care, which is true, we do care, but we are mostly worried about ourselves. What we would go through if they were gone. What would happen to us, not neccissarily what would happen to them. Why is it this way? Why can't we be focused on the others and not ourselves? I believe there are some people in the world that would care if about the person more than what happened to themselves, but honestly how many are there? Are most of the people in this world just as selfish as me?

What about the people who don't know how to care? How do we teach them? Can they learn to care if they don't care? I honestly don't know if they can. Man there are a lot of questions in my head. If you care for someone who has no need to be cared for or anyone that is done with this life their reaction is not a fun thing to recieve. They push you in every direction away from their heart. You can't even know their true colors anymore. It's a difficult thing. It makes you feel that you want to give up and give in, but you can't. Because you swore to yourself you never would. How can you be there for a person who has no idea what to do with his life? How do you go about showing them that they have a future? I don't understand these things. Are they pointless, or worth it. There are so many thoughts spinning and whirling through my head. I don't know what to do in this case with myself. He doesn't care. She doesn't care. Does anyone care?

Nobody said it would be easy. Nobody told it would be this hard.

The Old Sailor,

Raindrops are falling on ..........

Dear Bloggers,


Last Saturday night I had to work and the weather forecast is not really something to write home about. The evening is peaceful and sometimes it rains a bit. After my break I drive from Heerenveen to Drachten on line 20 and it starts to rain harder and harder. When I drive from Drachten Leeuwarden starts to thunder. The horizon is fully illuminated by the flashes of lightning and it is still a beautiful natural picture.Als I start to drive back from Leeuwarden, the rain is downpouring from the sky and several streets are flooded with water. The harsh winds make my job as a driver quite interesting. Below you can read the forecast of last saturday.

Lots of rain is coming
For outdoor activities, the weather over the next two days is extremely precarious. In the back room we see with some feelings of pity precipitation calculations. It could well be that a number of Dutch regions soon 50-80 millimeters of rain gauges come. The first heavy rainfall moved through the Southeast today, within and tonight will gradually cover a significant part of the Netherlands. I think about that whole thing and then some hanging and some are very unstable in the air heavy rain and thunderstorms. And all because a bubble of cold air in the upper layers of the atmosphere in conjunction with the pile up of colder and warmer air.

Hole in the upper air
The 'source cause' of this wet weather is called a upper air hole. This is an area of about 5 to 10 km altitude, which is pretty cold, colder than over other areas in Europe. That well in recent days from the north pushed southward and is now over France and Switzerland at 5 km above the surface temperatures around -20/-21 degrees. Such an area with low temperatures leading to rising motion of air to the ground. The air at the ground as it were drawn up. And where air rises from the ground, forms a low pressure area. Since the heaviest lift movements on the east side of a pit place, are now low pressure zone over Switzerland, Germany and Luxembourg.

Slide over each other air masses
Besides the aforementioned 'hole' there is another physical phenomenon that will bring precipitation to our cause, namely that the different air masses meet. On the ground because a north wind blows, while at 1500 meters above ground on a north-easterly winds and 4 to 5 km altitude the wind blowing from the east. With winds from different directions, there is some height relatively warm air raised over a relatively less warm air flows / slides. The air on the ground from the North Sea (west of Denmark), the air at some height has its origins in Denmark and northern Germany. The air moves from the east over the relatively cooler air is thereby forced back and some extra lift. That bit of upliftment leads to an additional impetus for the formation of precipitation. In other words, partly arises and intensifies the rainfall over the country.

How much will fall?
As said before the afternoon and evening from the southeast progressively fewer locations rain (partly the result, partly within the slide). Then, the night almost anywhere in the rain. The expected rain tomorrow amounts to 08.00 hours vary mostly between 10 and 70 millimeters. Most of wetness in the western, central and southern expected.

Tomorrow during the day, it seems that the precipitation zone over the west and southwest will drag. In the central and more eastern parts of the country dry for some time, possibly with a faint sun there. Do arise in the unstable atmosphere just as several heavy showers, accompanied by reasonable chance of thunderstorms and hail. The expected rainfall will tomorrow daytime (from 08.00 to 20.00) between 5 and 25 millimeters vary. Thereafter it tomorrow and during the night to Tuesday in many places quite wet.

Then the precipitation zone over the western part of the country yet again, by becoming a land wind from west to east it will slide over us. This seems to happen Tuesday, Wednesday and then again from the same corner after a rain area in draws. In short, until Wednesday there will be locally heavy rainfall to come down. Who out again, doing well to the weather forecast to follow. In addition, this situation again in his sights very difficult to get. Small changes in positioning of the rain area, can have a huge impact on the expected weather.

For the first time in my life I'm glad I've come home again without any damage, when I crawl into bed enjoying the rain lashes the window. To get the sound of the humming of the motor out of my head I decided to watch some TV. To my surprise, there is only snow on the screen, a consequence of the last thunderstorm hit which ended with a large bang.

The Old Sailor,

It's a jungle out there

Dear Bloggers,


It is the last day of the school holidays time to do something adventures. I start pushing the bunch of Sheila’s to hurry up. There is not any speed at all in this chicken farm they only make a lot of noise and hardly do anything usefull. Finally (one hour later) I have gathered them all in the car. There is no plan made and I ask them what we possibly could do. After an hours drive there is still no progress, I tell them if they don’t come with a plan I will drive back home. Suddenly they want to go to the zoo in Emmen.

A day at the zoo brings to mind many images of visits when I was a child. Buying bags of peanuts to feed the animals; crying at the sight of reptiles, and ducking the spray from the whales. Years have passed since I visited a zoo, choosing not to view animals in captivity.

The progress of mankind and the inevitable destruction of the world’s natural ecosystems, has meant that in the foreseeable future, it may only be possible to view our wonderful wildlife in captivity. That being said, with progress, comes education. The knowledge we now have of the natural habitats of animals, means that we are now able to house them in environments perhaps even more hospitable than those they would experience in the wild.

Founded in 1935 by Willem Oosting the Emmen Zoo puts its emphasis on education, research and conservation, by participating in several breeding programmes.

Eventually, it is with reluctance that I say goodbye to my newfound friends the skul monkeys. I gather my now seemingly useless possessions as a skul monkey approaches me. I looked into his eyes feeling that he was trying to communicate with me. I gaze into his angelic eyes and am saddened by my imminent departure; yet thrilled to have had the experience.

I walk about the zoo admiring the wealth of flora and fauna. The buttterfly garden is something you must have seen. I watch as the giraffes stretch to reach the leaves perched atop a tree and the elephants slowly making their way through hollowed logs. Finally I see the kodiak bear, the most treasured of the wild animals. Despite their soft and cuddly nature, my thoughts are now with these monkeys.

A memorable day, a memorable moment, a longing for the world to be as it should. Wild.

The Old Sailor,

A great day out.

Dear Bloggers,


I phoned a good friend of mine to hear if he would be home the next day as I found it time to pay him a visit. He a has provided many years litres of coffee and some time to have a good conversation. To our family he is like family as our kids see him as an uncle, he is a great guy and we always have a lot of fun.

Roundtrips sailing through the harbour.

He mentioned on the phone that the yearly harbour festival would be on his programme and that sounded as a great idea to me. I have always been working on these days as we participated as a company, a very busy day as it is in between the regular sailing shedule. And all guests need to be scanned in as they cross the border of the Netherlands. But now I finally had the time and the energy to go and visit this great event.

the event attracts a lot of people

Leading up to SAIL 2010 Amsterdam, the IJmuiden Harbour Festival sailed into town on 14 and 15 August. This free festival sees the Trawlerkade and the Halkade swell with a positive sea of activities and a legion of breathtaking boats. As a former sailor this is the place to be. A few pilotboats and a couple of tugboats are sailing roundtrips through the harbour. A huge crane demonstrates with grabbing water how much it can carry. One scoop is thousands of litres water it creates quite a wave when it is splashed back to the harbour from several metres of height. Big plus that it was a lovely sunny day with a slight sea breeze there is all kinds of music on the quay and plenty of stands to get some food and beverages.

Also pilotboats and tugboats are making roundtrips.

But the IJmuiden Harbour Festival isn't only a joy to the ears and eyes - there's plenty to send your taste buds into overdrive! Delve into the world of seafood at special stands brought in for the first time this year, watch the professionals cook up a storm at demonstrations and join in the annual 'Dinner on the Quay' (ticket required). What a brilliant idea to mix food and sea. And my god there were a lot of people drawn to the harbour. For a great deal of people this is a great day out and to have a look on all kinds of vessels modern or old it is all beautiful. My heart was happy again and not everyone can understand that, deep down I hope that we would get some money to have my own boat. I would love to travel the world again but this time in my own speed.

Tallships are visiting IJmuiden

There was also plenty to keep the kids entertained with interactive, educational games on the quay. And the sun was shining and we should have brought our swimming gear because there was plenty of water-based fun on the menu. On wednesday the first tall ships will have a lay-over in the harbour of IJmuiden. A pre-Sail event which will atract thousands of people again. Unfortunately I have to work so no chance for me to see it. As the cream on our day the Prinsendam of te Holland America Line sailed into the locks when we were driving home, a great chance to see the ship in a close range.

The Prinsendam in the locks.

Head to IJmuiden to catch a preview of the beautiful tall ships and replicas before they join the SAIL-IN Parade and make their way to Amsterdam on Thursday, 19 June. This year, the cultural programme is bigger than ever and features a bounty of family entertainment including a Shanty Festival, street artists, local performers and acclaimed national stars of the stage. So if you have some time to spare on one of these dates it might be something for you as it is great to see these large barks and briks to sail down the North Sea Canal.

At least we had a great day and we have seen a lot.

The Old Sailor,

Dutch mother suspected of killing four babies

Dear Bloggers,


When I drove home yesterday, after a hard day of working. I turned up the volume of my car stereo and some sunny tunes came out of the speakers. And I was just thinking that nothing has been happening and live here is pretty boring. All of a sudden it is time for the news and straight away it has my attention as a young girl was threathned by some guy with a handgun, he also mugged a young bloke a jobstudent who is selling icecream from a delivery bicycle (they are famous for there homemade icecream.) All of a sudden I understand why all these policecars are standing there around the ice cream bike. And then I heard the following item on the news it comes as a shock to me when I realize that I just live so close to the crimescene.

Dutch mother suspected of killing four babies
A 25-year-old Dutch woman has been arrested on suspicion of killing three of her babies, police said Friday.

The woman was detained in the home of her parents in Nij Beets Thursday evening after police found the corpses hidden in four suitcases.
It was unclear how the babies, who were born after 2002, had died.

The woman told police she had given up the children for adoption soon after their birth, but was unable to provide evidence to back up her claim.
A search of the attic of her home Friday turned up another suspicious suitcase, the contents of which were not disclosed.

The parents of the woman told police they had been unaware of their daughter's pregnancies.

Really dear bloggers how can a person do these kind of things, what went wrong in her head. We have to wait for the outcome of the police investigation but still I do not understand this cruelty. We have a bit of history if it comes to having kids maybe I might be more sensitive about these kind of items. What I am wandering about is how can nobody have noticed what has been going on. Not even her parents where she lived with had a clue about the pregnancies and that is very stange I would say. The strange part is that it happened so close by as a matter of speaking it could have happened in my village but who would be so insane. Hmmm........not really a nice thought but life is a bitch and yes these things are happening in the countryside as well. We country hillbillies think that these things only happen in the big cities.My wife rounded up the kids as the gunner is still not been arrested as he is hiding in the forrest. When I come home I tell her not to overreact as this is not something that happens daily. And I was complaining that life is so boring here.

It is not bad to be a bit insane as long as it is funny for the people around you.

The Old Sailor,

Sorry!!!!

Dear Bloggers,

I have been trying to write but did not find the right inspiration.

It is a hard job to get inspired, I have been trying many different ways but unfortunatly no result.

Normally a few drinks and some cigarettes do the magic, not this time.

The Old Sailor,

What is it all about is it love or commitment

Dear Bloggers,

One of my good friends revealed to me a few months ago: "I love my wife, but I cannot help thinking of other women. I even had an affair with a work colleague and I feel terrible about it. What is wrong with me? Why do I find other women desirable and, at the same time, love my wife more than anything?"


My answer to my friend was that there is nothing wrong with him - physically. There is nothing wrong with him, because he is a human being, and by nature, we, human beings, are constantly physically attracted to the opposite sex. This feeling of attraction may be weak when we are in the "hot phase" of our new relationship, but normally it claws its way back to our brain with a vengeance when the physical peak of the relationship has passed. I also told my friend that this feeling is nothing to be ashamed of, even if it feels contradictory that we can be exclusively in love and have non-exclusive feelings of physical attraction at the same time.

My friend was now confused and he asked: "Are you telling me then that there is nothing wrong about these feelings of physical attraction in a brain of a happily married or otherwise committed person"? My answer was yes, that's exactly what I am saying. I explained that I believe these feelings are something we cannot really have control over and there is nothing abnormal about the fact that women find other men attractive and men desire other women, even if they are simultaneously in love with their partners. This is how humans were designed and we cannot reprogram our brain to completely ignore a beautiful woman or a handsome man walking by. We can pretend that we don't see anything, but our preprogrammed brain tells us to watch.

My friend looked relieved, like the guilt was shifting from him to the designer of the human mold. Like he was just doing something nature had programmed him to do.

I continued and explained that this realization of constant physical attraction is just the other side of the relationship coin, the easy part. The more difficult side of the coin is the mental side, the side that can overrun or yield to the physical side, depending on the strength of the mental side of an individual coin. This side draws the difference between faithfulness and unfaithfulness. Thus, once you have acknowledged the fact that you are capable of being happily in a relationship and still physically attracted to other people, the center of gravity turns to the mental side of the coin, to the human side. This side offers you an opportunity to choose between your priorities: what is more important to you, a relationship and commitment, or your physical needs and attractions.

It may well be that your answer to the above question is the latter; your physical needs weigh more than a committed relationship with one partner. This may be the case even if you have a very strong mental side on your coin. It could be that you simply are not ready to be committed just yet. It could be that you want to see and experience more before you jump into something permanent, something that feels more restricted than a life with open options. And, that is fine. You have every right to feel that way. You have every right to be a single woman or a man and never be ready for commitment. Some people are never ready for a relationship and that is the way they want it.

However, things become different when you enter into a serious relationship and truly promise your partner to be a faithful and trustworthy companion. You make a promise to your partner that you are ready for her or him and ready to be committed, ready to live a life with just one partner, a life without open options. This is a choice, a sacrifice you make voluntarily yourself. You trade your life of open options with a life of partner-stability, trust and companionship. You acknowledge that the life of open options will end, but regardless of this acknowledgement, you voluntarily enter into your new life. It is a conscious choice of two free people.

If you make this choice, you should be able to live by your commitment and the promise of faithfulness. Not because you are no longer attracted to other people, but because of respect for your partner. You should be able to fight your physical needs and let the mental side of the coin prevail. Let the human side of the coin beat the physical, preprogrammed, side of you. The choice is yours, because even if your brain may be reprogrammed to feel the sexual attraction, we humans are also blessed with a mind that is conscious and capable of breaking free from the default settings of our brain. This is an amazing power and something that separates us from the rest of the creatures on this planet.

The physical side however is a tough opponent and doesn't always go away without a fight. It plays games with your mind and tries to win you over. It may make you juggle between a serious relationship and various affairs and flings. It may make you believe that keeping a partner and simultaneously having affairs is a good way to secure the best of both worlds: having a loving partner and a wild sexual adventure, all at the same time. However, don't be fooled by the seemingly strong physical side of the coin. You can beat it if your mental side is strong enough. You are at the end of the day the one who lets the physical side prevail over the mental side.

Why do people so often choose to yield to the physical side? What makes unfaithfulness an attractive choice and worth the risks? Can the reasons be traced and blamed on a society where affairs sometimes are quietly accepted and treated as a normal, inevitable, course of life? Are we unfaithful because of the following reasons: "we only live once", "everybody is doing it", "I was in a different country", "I had too much to drink", "I was on a conference trip" or because "it was just my ex"? Do we really know the real reason for our unfaithfulness? Can we accept the fact that the reason for unfaithfulness really comes to one thing and one thing only: lack of respect for our partner.

Lack of self-discipline and weak backbone are the evil cousins of disrespect. An unfaithful partner wants to keep the options open but is not courageous enough to try it out as a single man or woman and risk some time alone when company is hard to find. He wants to play it "safe" and enjoy affairs and a happy marriage or a relationship and believes that he has found the winning combination. It certainly may sound like a winning combination, but is that really what it is. Can an unfaithful person look in the mirror and say to himself: I am unselfish, disciplined and courageous and I truly respect my partner?

I believe that respect is the very key when it comes to successful and long-lasting relationships. Both partners know that they are most likely capable of cheating, but respect keeps them from doing that. It may all sound overly simplistic, but the reason for unfaithfulness in an otherwise functioning relationship really comes to a one thing: lack of respect for your partner. Surely respect cannot be forced or implanted on anyone and there may be difficult circumstances, where there seems to be accepted reasons for unfaithfulness. Maybe one of the partners is completely uninterested in having sex, while the other is longing for a functioning sex life, or there is simply no love and respect left in the relationship etc.

However, the question in these situations should be, should I be in this relationship, rather than, should I be unfaithful to my partner.

Don't take me wrong, I am not judgmental and very well understand that people make mistakes and do things that they are not proud of. And, in extreme cases, partners even give their approval for affairs or prefer an open relationship all together. However, in a relationship where both partners expect faithfulness and trust, the unfaithful partner should understand the true reasons for his conduct. The cheating partner has agreed to make a commitment, but is not living up to his or her promise. He decided to choose one partner in order to have stability, trust and companionship, but because of lack of respect, backbone and his overriding selfish needs, cannot live up to his promise. It is hard to take the blame, but sometimes reality hurts. That's why it is called reality.

It can be a tough thing to swallow that you can only sleep with one person the rest of your life. It may be tough thing to swallow that sex has turned from a privilege to an obligation, or to a mere weekly/monthly act of killing the awkwardness of lacking physical contact. However, your commitment is still a conscious choice and a sacrifice, which you voluntarily made yourself. You may want to keep the options open, but then you need to keep the options open as a single man, not as a family man. And, if you don't want to be a single man, then be a family man, a respectful man. Show the backbone and self-discipline you have in you. Don't let the easy side of the coin prevail.

There is really no excuse for cheating on your partner and realizing this might just make your relationship happier and hopefully even prevent future missteps. I am not able to stop her thoughts about the perfect man, but these guys do not excisit unless they are ruthless players. I have seen to many relations gone bust do to a lack of interest in their sexlives, if she is taking it easy he is scanning for other options like watching porn or have an affair. Men are not very complex thinkers if it comes to the subject sex. The choice is yours, but if you want to keep the dark clouds out and life up to your commitment, give your partner the respect he or she deserves and expects. You expect the same.

The Old Sailor,

P.S. We should remember that we humans are all on the same boat of life and carry similar hopes, similar needs and similar dreams. We are all born with a need to be respected and loved. Born with a need to be someone. Someone successful. Someone decent.

driving an empty bus

Dear Bloggers,

This morning I had an epiphany about a difference in style between the two major jobs I’ve held. One style was driving an empty bus and the other was my time on board. That the busses are empty has to do with the summer holidays anyway this can be prtetty boring as I was used to work hard and long days. I am going to examine both as anecdotes from my perspective and try to avoid grandiose analysis.


The Empty Bus

So, I start the job and the first thing the company does is hand me the bus and give some instructions how to run it. Actually, they leave it to me and fully trust me with the material. However, once on the bus driving, I am pretty much on my own. I have a destination to reach that has been vaguely described on a scribbled piece of laminated paper. The directions are unclear and not all of them have been there before. They keep changing the directions as there are roadworks and it makes me wander if I will learn the right directions this way. But I get to drive. That is fun.

Everywhere it is empty

Every now and then, I pick somebody from the bus stop up, they make changes to my daily life as I have found someone to talk to. They do a lot of empty rides in the summertime, and that is such a shame as they have good offers you pay single fare for a return ticket. But I get to drive. That’s usually fun.

All in all, I am asked to develop my skills as a driver and with very little cooperation or directions I am improving. I am left on my own to make almost all the decisions. Even though I have weekly meetings with my mentor, I am not really given much feedback on whether I’m going the right way. He’s not a developer, he is like me just another driver so he doesn’t really know enough about what I do at the moment to give me useful feedback. My quarterly reviews aren’t very cooperative or helpful, they are more about the manager wishing that I would drive faster and make fewer mistakes (mutually exclusive goals when you think about it) so I will cost less money.

loads of space today

I nearly get into a wreck a couple times, but there’s no one on the bus to help me out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an excellent driver. I’m still learning, but some help should help things go faster in process, you’d think. The city of Groningen is not that easy to drive in with her narrow streets and sharp corners. Usually, though, my directions are so clear and well written down so they become difficult to follow that I am directed to get into wrecks as I need to do to much reading. This is not actually all that fun as time goes on.

The Ship

I know that there is no way back there and some journey’s could be boring. They sail around in circles from A to B and the other way round. On the other side of the water the doors pop open and an absurd number of hilarious characters hop out of the ship. This job is not quite like this. It’s actually more like a really crowded ferry in the summer and a ghost ship in some months of the winter, like the trip I took the other day with my wife and my two daughters there was space enough on the ship lthough it did not feel empty as you always met someone on your way. But now, imagine, that all of these people have a stake in where the ship goes and have a slightly role and different idea about how to go about getting there. Now, we’ve got a good analogy.

my last ship and loads of memories

The manager’s seat was next to mine and she gets in and out of the desk whenever she feels the need or when I ask her to. She’s a busy woman: lots of crew to help as some of them have trouble getting it, even some simple changes can make them run to her office. Usually, she gets in right before we dock which is a busy period together with the secretary we answer most of the queries and make the announcements over the public address system. We are carefully explaining things at those guests and point or sometimes even turn them into the right direction. Directly after docking we have to find drivers that did not show as they overslept or got lost. On the cardeck beneath me sits an officer whose job it is to navigate and discharge the cardecks to get them ready for the next run. He tells me by radio the license plate numbers in Nato alphabet and gives those instructions pretty regularly. Beside him there are the passengers that are waiting for the airbridge and have loads of quetions about what to expect and where to find the bus to the city. That’s annoying, but still fun.

my ''old'' working place

I get to work. As I mentioned, sometimes the job is heavy as I need to get ready for the next flow of passengers. Not many hours are left so let’s get started, visitors show up and like to talk to some of the officers and engineers who have their hand on the wheel and help push the pedals for me. This is pretty fun too, unlike the bus though, this actually gives us a lot more control. We seem to be getting places in a much more controlled way, though we do have to control our speed much more carefully. It might take us longer, but the sailing is fun along the way.

The old sailor in a new uniform as a bus driver

Unfortunately there is no chance to return to the ship and driving the bus is a lot of fun too. But a few more passengers would absolutely be a pleasure even a grumpy one would be fine. But what can I do it is summer holiday for most of us, that is why I got the job. That’s a bummer in some ways, not as much fun. I like control. And a busy day. Overall, this is more fun.

So far, I prefer the ship to the empty bus. It’s less bipolar and more slow, steady, and directed.
Unfortunenatly there is no point of return as my body cannot handle it anymore and busdriver is a nice job again when the schools will start again in a few weeks.

What to do during football madness

Dear Bloggers,


Gallons of beer, pounds of beer nuts and chips, gasshorns, and the vuvuzela ugly orange clothes, red white blue make up, strange hats, not to mention the oh so wonderful football music every idiot can sing along. All things that I really dislike as a anti-football fan is waiting for me. Nevertheless, we will be back to be believed, because the World Cup finals in 2010 are imminent. What should I do during this football madness tonight?

The land of the Orange people

Watching football with a friend or neighbor, what is always a feast. During the game there is no chance at all to change a word with him, but of course you do. If you walk by accident in front of the screen it sounds like the end of the worldl. No, not really ideal. Fortunately, there still is this outbreak, which is there when our team had scored. Then they suddenly screamed and ran out en masse. Hmm, the madness is getting more and more people in its grip.

Even Cartooninsts are spending time on it......Scary

The streets
One thing is certain, the days of the games many Dutch sat probably in front of the tube, whether it was with or without reluctance. The perfect opportunity therefore to go ahead undisturbed in the big cities and DIY shop. Not bothered by people who are behind you and bump into you or lengthy queues at the checkout counter. And another advantage: No one whines about football for most of those who were working were not hardcore fans.

Also cardealers are going nuts

Orange Fashion
Do you want it,have a little go with the football and the madness. “Viva Hollandia” mentality, then you go bananas in terms of clothing. For while actually orange which is one of the most avoided colors, you can go fully mad during the World Cup. And you will go totally with these lovely bright color. Spray your hair orange, paint your nails, orange makeup and paint some Dutch flags here and there, and nobody will look at you funny.

Yes football can be a nice sport once in a while

If you see it no other way than be at home on the couch and try to understand a little sbout football. That way you will not unnecessarily interfere with a lot of questions like:” What is offside anyway?”. And come, for loss or tie, but not least, encourage the National team:and don’t come down with the downer “It's only a game” because that will certainly bring up a zero atmosphere. A little easier, you just go with the crowd and share with the celebration or sorrow and see how it will turn out tonight.

The Old Sailor