Yes, spring is on it's way

Hang in there! Spring will be here soon.

Dear Bloggers,

Finally winter is moving out as cold and moisty weather is not my best friend I am looking forward to the Spring and Summertime again. The best part of spring is the great smells of new life in the garden. I think that this is natures best period of the yearly cyclus.

I noticed a few daffodils around town blooming this week and was happy to see two in my garden just starting to open. Another first bloom of spring is a lowly dandelion but it does look cheery after months of winter. I'll wait awhile and enjoy it before i pull it. The other sign of the season change is the longer days. Some days it's still pretty chilly but I get to spend some time each day doing some garden chores. What a great way to finish the work day. So here is the first daffodil that i saw.

It seems like a jibe in this weather. The icy blasts that hit you as soon as you leave towards the parking to grab your bus, the mornings are stone cold and the passengers are happy to see you. It is only –2 degrees celcius but the wind is biting cold. The morning dash of coffee and a loaf of bread did nothing to smash the calm blankness of sleep of my wife and kids. Mornings on the bus on Monday are a kind of zombie march. My head is not fully functioning yet, what can you expect at 06:30 in the morning. I have an automatic path that I follow on the route that I have to do as if I am trundling down a fixed railway line.

By the time the cold hands grab the steeringwheel and you drive to your starting point, you see people outside the bus doors on push bikes in that freezing cold weather and you are just partially awake, and my defrosted body enters again to go into chilling. Then into traffic, making little jokes with the passengers, most of the regulars are feeling home on the bus. After my two support rides that I need to do I unload the passengers and drive back to the garage, Sit down. Time to drink coffee.

I like to come home and write as soon as I can. It is already evening as I write this. I wonder, sometimes if the reason that I write is for the following reasons---is it Writers and the act of writing,--- or is it killing my devotional time, as some sort of way to enter aloneness and prepare for final silence? Or is it a well formed habit only designed to make products that I temporarily own and then discard? What is the purpose of weekly writing?

I’m not sure. I think that writing is a way to clarify my mind and my miserable life—as I am only here passing time, like everybody else. Today I write something down; this is true for this minute, but then the next thing I write contradicts what I said or thought about three days ago. Writing is sometimes difficult and somehow endlessly disruptive. When I consider this fact of lack of agreement in anything I write down--the fact that one day--I may be all for one position and the next --not--what this tells me is that I am mirroring my mind that is also as fluid as the writing. In other words, my mind is a thinking machine that functions on chemicals.

What do they do to store--memory--logical thinking processes--emotions--the self? And if everything is stored in neurons--how are they stored? Is memory a simple stockpile of chemicals with half lives that are reached continually and progressively until no memories are finally left? If so --this makes the act of writing down --critica But if what we write down is contradictory, emotional rather than rational, considered useless by our society--is it still worth it to be writing devotedly--as if despite these deficiencies in textual depictions of a mind--it is still a worthy practice to engage in the writing down of a mind?

I suppose this decision is based on what you value. Do you --if you have sufficient time--value working at something that will return you more goods and services--or do you in your free time prefer to do what makes you see clearly into your own small life and its attachments? It depends entirely on value and the type of life you want to live. This type of writing is not valuable if you would rather paint or draw; if you need to work on a career; if you prefer other activities. But if the main method of learning for you (and your main interest is learning) is to use words in multiple ways--then writing is a weekly practice that unknots and untangles a great many small minor problems a human being can encounter in a life. It also serves to waken up that human being to luck and good fortune.

I only think about nature sometimes when I am driving and my mind is at ease. After a few days I will sit down and write about it. I only think about the good fortune to be married to a kind, loving woman like my wife and the extreme luck of having two daughters, when others have no kids. Writing practice inevitably introduces you to the grace of your own extreme luck in being born into such a life of privilege.

Even the long winter is a lucky matter for it makes spring and summer like desserts after a long tedious meal of rubbery food. Outside the winter wheels and grinds us down to nothing. The pond that is still filled with a thin layer of ice that is close to my house.

Winter is the ultimate season. The poor trees stick out like old timers TV antennae and looking very dark on the horizon. And winter paints them with icy colours, It is all very beautiful –if you are sitting in the writing room like I am out of the battering fists of the wind, sympathetically appreciating the troubles of the ice cold conditions that nature has to go through, like the the locked in birds, the hares and deer that live right near here along in the bloody forest that gives them also shelter as well.

Usually I’m hanging on the couch together with my wife and watch some Tv at this time of the day. But today, I’m sitting behind the computer and my wife is leaving me alone without any resistance or whatsoever. The weather is a powerful incentive to writing—encouraging me by the hammering cold windy fists on the house walls. Crocusses and daffodils are showing their face that is the sign by the extended care that says—Spring is coming soon—but just not today.

The Old Sailor,

Are you still able to work wit FMS

Dear Bloggers,

For nearly everyone I know with Fibromylagia, it is not the pain, or the fatigue, or even the restless sleep that frustrates them the most, it is the feeling of no longer being productive or able to contribute to a normal society. Also the misunderstanding of the illness by other family members leaves deep emotional scars. How many of us have had to quit our jobs or restructure our lives completely because of this illness? Sorry it is not an illness but a so called syndrome and it is not recogneized by the beneficiary services. It is not a health issue but a mental problem. Most of us I am sure. And for those of you still maintaining your lives and careers, it is through sheer strength and will that you are able to do so.

For myself, Fibromyalgia has forced me into a change. I was working in a passenger ships reception at a high-pressure, fast-paced ferry company when I first was diagnosed in 2009. For months I tried to hang onto the position I had spent several years building within the company, but ultimately I had to let it go. It was not an easy choice to make, but it definitely led to an improvement in my life and allowed me to manage my symptoms without the stress and pressure I faced daily as a receptionist. And yes I loved my stressy job.

I became a bus driver and worked for a temps office, able to set my own schedule, and as long as I met or exceeded my and their goals, I could work as much or as little as I needed. Some weeks I worked full-time, others I put in less than 20 hours. My position required me to drive a lot, but all of my rides were within driving distance so I became a master at routing myself and to take advantage of my "good" days and I had enough breaks to recharge for the next run. The planner knew that he could count on me if he needed someone to fill in.

For several years I was pretty succesful and even thrived in my ships career. At the time it was a very compatible career for me. Then in 2009, as I was sailing to one of my destanies, I was hardly able to get out of my bunk, I waved it away as it was nothing serious and I probably would get the flue. And the comfortable life I had spent the last ten years of building up my carrer was shattered in an instant. Even though I had been living with Fibromyalgia for ten years, I had no idea how relatively manageable my symptoms had been. Sure I had some bad days and debilitating flares, but this was only in the winter season. But nothing like I began experiencing after this bloody morning.

So once again I was faced with a decision. I knew I could no longer manage my sailing territory and my health. I could have pursued the opportunity to go on disability, but I was afraid if I allowed myself to be labeled "disabled" I would start to believe that I no longer had anything to contribute. When I ended up at the UWV office they straight away told me that there are no benefits for this syndrome called FMS. This was puzzling me as the Danish government declared me not able to work a full time job and I was also entitled to a disability pension. It made me angry and confused as I was sitting in between two different opinions. And I made the choice to work as a bus driver but in my own speed. Please do not get me wrong I honor and respect those of you who have and need the security of disability, it was simply my personal decision to eliminate that as one of my choices. So what to do then?

For the first time in my life, I decided to follow my passion for driving. I didn't just wake up one day and decide though. It came about out of the natural progression of me trying to manage and improve my health. Things were pretty dark immediately after my job loss. As the weeks and months past, I continued to feel worse, not better. My despair led me to go and do the driving course and exams needed to become a bus driver and to get my license of course. I started driving for the summer period, and this continued until the 31^st of December last year.Unfortunate the contract was finished. 

Thinking about my health and wellbeing, and then a weird thing happened - my life began to come back into focus again. I felt like I had a voice and a purpose again. And then slowly, I started for an other region in the same  company again. Maybe this was not the best choice that I have made. As all other temps I am just another number where no one is happy and among the ones with a steady job sickness is up to more then 10%. I would call it a low social people management close to modern slavery. 

It is by far my least lucrative career, but that doesn't even matter to me. I am healing through my driving, I am reaching out to all of you that there is always something that you still can do, and I am doing something I am passionate about. So do I thank Fibromyalgia for bringing me to this spot in my life. I don't think I will, even though I believe everything happens for a reason, and that I am exactly where I am meant to be, I also think my path was a little too painful for me to be grateful. Maybe I will just be grateful that I made it through.

So this is my story, but I am really curious to learn about all of you. Are you able to work while managing your Fibromyalgia symptoms? Do you simply push through it, or have you made adjustments to allow for the unpredictable nature of Fibromyalgia? Have you had a career change? Are you on disability? And if you are on disability are you still able to earn a supplemental income? Any thoughts you have on working with Fibromyalgia, I would really appreciate if you shared them in the comments. As you might have guessed I am planning to find another place to work again, all in quest for better health and wellbeing. 

The Old Sailor,

Did we all become slaves to the Rat Race?

Dear Bloggers,

You may consider me harsh for making such a statement, but the truth remains: the majority of the world will remain slaves to the "Rat Race" system for the rest of their lives. I speak with a lot of people on a daily basis who say that they are serious about starting their own Home Based business, but they never actually take action to begin the process. As I thought over the subject, trying to figure out "what was wrong with people", it suddenly came to me: We all have been trained to think like slaves!

From the time we were school age children, we were taught to go to work for someone else-in hopes of getting paid for our blood and sweat at the end of the week. We had no control over what the employer "decided" to pay us, nor did we have any say as to what type of hours we would work. We were taught to be "dependant" on others. This type of mentality is no different from the mentality of a slave. Slaves were forced to conduct hard labor for little pay (if any), while the "master" made a fortune, took exotic trips, and sent his children to private schools. For those who may think that I'm going overboard with my analogy, consider this: Who tells you when you can spend time with your family? Who tells you when you are "eligible" for time off? Who dictates to you how long you can take a lunch break?

 Are you starting to get the picture? Most people don't even realize that they are snared by the way they perceive. If a person doesn't believe or know that they have a problem, they won't consider getting treatment for the problem, thus, remaining in their sickening state until they die. Why not start a home based business for yourself? Why not take control of your own income, rather than let someone else tell you what your worth? Doesn't it make sense that you should be the one who decides how much you will be paid? Shouldn't you decide when your going to spend time with your family? If you desire to change the course of your life, you're going to have to change the way that you think. 

Entrepreneurs think different compared to employees. Employees complain that "there are no jobs". Entrepreneurs create jobs by starting businesses.
I am aware that there are some people who will never change the way that they think, no matter how many offers I make to them or how many blogs I write, they will continue to embrace the "employee" mindset. I don't mean any disrespect to those who decide to work for a living: there's nothing wrong with that. 

 

After all, I figured it out the hard way and now I am stuck with this bloody disease called fibromyalgia. 
For me there has never been a reason to give up. I started my life in a different way and became a parttime bus driver next to my job I am trying to start up a webshop but first I need to get some brilliant ideas for entering the market. I need someone to program my computer. I can go on-and-on but I think you get the picture. Which side of the road are you on? Do you want to have a different life or, are you satisfied with your safe secure job and nothing else?

If you're ready change your life and get a "better life",

The Old Sailor,

Life is fantastic everyday is a new gamble

Dear Bloggers,

Life is just one big gamble - I am convinced of it. Although such as philosophy is generally alien to me, I found myself in a situation the night prior to beginning this blog which really got me thinking.

It was Friday evening. I had stopped working only to sleep in the previous two days. I had arranged to phone a friend and grabbed a beer from the fridge - something unfortunately came up, however, and he couldn't talk to me as he had to work.

Alone, therefore - and tired - I began seriously rehearsing my drinking skills and smoking one cigarette after another (outside the house,  of course!) 

When I heard the familiar strains of, "The Gambler," by Kenny Rogers, it was probably the catalyst which really got me thinking about the meaning of life.....

Yes I am a smoker and a drink is always welcome when I don’t have to work. I try to enjoy life as much as I can but it is not always easy.

There are of course tens of millions of people in this world - if not more - who enjoy a social drink now and again. Whether it be a few beers, a couple of shots of whisky, or a bottle of wine with a meal, drinking alcohol can be a way of relaxing, unwinding and mixing with friends and family.

The problem is, of course, that the practise of drinking alcohol can so easily get out of hand. Social drinking can become binge drinking, then acute alcoholism if it is not properly controlled and restricted to moderation. Excessive alcohol consumption sees us taking a very grave risk and essentially gambling with that most precious commodity and the highest stakes of all - our health. Unlike drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes or any form of tobacco is not acceptable, even in moderation. Every time we light a cigarette we are damaging our health and gambling with our very lives. Government agencies and health authorities across the globe tell us the damage we are doing to ourselves in this way and the risks we are taking, yet so many of us still happily hand over our hard earned cash and give the wheel another spin...

 

On the other hand i think who wants to become over eighty when there is no pension left and you have to live in poverty. I hope that the taxes will drop then I can think of quitting. It is a huge income for the government as the taxrate is enormous. If all smokers would quit on the same day many countries would get bankrupt.

In my job as a bus driver I see people crossing streets every day and yes most of them are the suicidal type. How often do you cross the road when the traffic signals, in one way or another, tell you to wait?

Do you view a red light as an inconvenience - a challenge, perhaps? Do you look carefully around about you and decide that it is worth the risk - the gamble? Have you ever attempted to cross the road in this fashion, only to hear the blast of a horn from an angry motorist whom you failed to notice? Do you realise the risks you are taking every single time you perform this action? Do you get a thrill from the uncertainty?

To cross or not to cross?...Heads or tails?...Higher or lower?...Red or black?...What will it be this time...and what will the result throw up...?

Every now and then we gamble with our lives, the question is who has the better cards.

The Old Sailor,

Do you believe there is a God? part 2 Pearl Jam- Just Breathe

Do you believe there is a God?

Dear Bloggers,

This morning I woke up at five and had a sad kind of feeling over me. My thoughts wandered of again to my younger days. I do not have that many memories left after my accident unless the memories had a very deep impact on my live. But first of all let me do some introducion on the story. This story goes back more than 20 years. My dad had a stable with ponys and those were for rent as it was his hobby many guys and girls helped on a volunteerly base to get the stable going and keep the prices affordable for everyone. Carolien was one of them and she was a good looking young girl who lived during the holidays on a campsite with her family. She had a lot of headaches during the summer period but no one came to the conclusion that there was something wrong inside as she was a happy and cheerful girl. What a shame that she was ripped out of our lives and my God what have these parents gone through.

 My daughter is slowly climbing up to the time of adolescence and it reminds me of these days that I was struggling with hormones, emotions and all other interests in the other sex. But deep inside I was too shy to get involved with these girls. I am not a Don Juan and that was what God had forbidden. I was brought up with religion and I had to go to church during my youth. I stopped believing after one of my dearest friends was killed by a brain tumor and our dear God did nothing to save her. God killed my friend or at the very least stood by doing nothing while she died, while allowing people like surgeon’s who did not recognize this to live on with no regrets.

My friend, we’ll call her Carolien, died this past weekend at the age of 14. She was diagnosed having a severe headache problem but no one thought that it would be a brain tumor, and she could have had every type of surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy possible at that time, but no one came to the idea that she would have a brain tumor. When she collapsed at the volleybal training they rushed her into the operating theatre and tried to remove the tumor or at least to make it smaller. It was to far grown to remove it and it was not good enough to save her. She was sweet, caring, beautiful, and strong; she had recently gotten into high school and had a lifetime worth of goals and dreams ahead of her. Carolien had made plans for her future, and eventually becoming a mother. She volunteered in her community and was kind to everyone she met, regardless of whether she personally liked them. She was active in her church, sharing her many talents with anyone who asked.

Let me now add a disclaimer that I don’t believe in a God – there are a lot of things we don’t understand about the universe, and I don’t pretend to have any answers. But when my friend died, I couldn’t help but wonder how someone who believes in a God can justify what happened to her. It’s the classic question – “why do bad things happen to good people?” See, I understand that religious people generally believe in free will, so sometimes when bad things happen to us it’s a result of some action we took. For instance, if I drove my car to the grocery store while it was snowing and got into an accident injuring myself, it’s reasonable to assume that my choice to go for a drive while the roads were slippery played a role in my injuries. It was my choice, and I paid the consequences, despite how inherently good or bad I might be. I also understand that the definition of “good” or “bad” is going to vary between people.

However, I’m not sure of anyone that would consider an early death, like what Carolien had to endure, a good thing. And I don’t think her brain tumor had anything to do with a choice she made (in contrast to some cancers, like lung, which are often caused by an action like smoking). There was nothing she could have done or put into her body that caused that brain tumor – it was some sort of perverse accident, a deadly combination of genetics and environmental factors beyond her control. So then I ask, if you believe in God, what is your justification for this occurrence? Why did God give Carolien a brain tumor (or allow her to die of a brain tumor) while letting serial rapists live? Why did God allow a tsunami to kill over 200,000 people in 2004, while doing nothing to stop a repeat child-molester? Is it because “God works in mysterious ways”? That response always seemed like a bit of a cop-out – if you don’t know the answer, say so. Did my friend sin, and this was her punishment? I don’t buy that – she wasn’t perfect (no one is), but there are many people in this world far worse. Did God smite her just for his own amusement? Or it is possible, just maybe, that God had nothing to do with any of this – that sometimes life sucks and good people pay the consequence?

If God is loving and all-powerful, then he would have saved my friend. He wouldn’t have let her die before her parents, leaving behind a friend who is now considering with continued attention what goals he has left that didn’t involve a lifetime with her. The world is a worse place today, because Carolien is no longer here to share her love and talents with the rest of us. I wrote this blog in loving memory of my dear friend Carolien may she rest in peace for the love of all.

The Old Sailor,

I can't remember the old me

Dear Bloggers,

First of all I would like to say that I am sorry that I have not been around for a little while due to the fact that I have started my new job at another station in the company therefor I have to learn many new routes in an area that I am not to familiar with. The good old brain and body are having trouble to keep up with the new situation. In my old days I was pretty flexible and was able to learn new skills nowadays I have to make plans and work things out on paper.

Headaches I never had before

 

During the summer of 2003, I got into a horrible accident. Apparently slipping from the top of the stairs in our new house, I hit my head on the door of the fuse cabinet door and on the side wall. After 3 minutes of being out of this planet, I eventually recovered after a full year. Even though I was deemed "physically" healed, I felt that I was truly never the same. Not only had my demeanor and interests changed, but also it seemed as if I had become a completely different person after the accident. I thought it was very sad at the time, because the friends who had been close to me before were no longer close. I did not understand what they meant when they said that I had become a different person. Certainly, I realized that I had changed, but I could not remember the old me, so how comes that they could no longer treat me like the old "Jacob". I believed that this new "Jacob" was still the same person as before-that the inner soul with which they had become friends had never and, indeed, could never change. However, after reading Descartes' Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain, I regret the harsh judgments I made about "Jacobs" so called friends. Dealing with someone who has suffered from a tremendous change in personality is not as easy as one would expect. So how can I blame my wife as she probably can not addapt fully to the new me. And it makes me feel so sad but what can I do as I cannot find the “Old Jacob” back?

 body meets scattered brain

Brain injury is any injury that results in damage to the brain. For many people who suffer from brain injury, the problems associated with it become a permanent part of their lives. The problems that develop depend upon which part of the brain is injured. People can lose cognitive and motor functions as well as their ability to express thoughts and perceive their surroundings. The most unnerving consequence of a brain injury can be a change in personality. Often after being injured victims, like myself, develop an apathy and decreased motivation for life. Emotion can run to both extremes: a forever high, or as in the case of my friend, an absence there of. In society there is a difference in the response shown to someone who has suffered a brain injury that changes his or her personality, and someone whose injury has affected any other part of the body, or even other types of injuries to the brain. What accounts for this difference? If an individual loses a limb, he loses the function of that limb as well. It makes sense then that when an individual loses part of his brain, the function of that part goes too. This is in correlation with the statement, brain = behavior. Each part of the brain seems responsible for different behaviors, a fact that is reinforced when examining injuries to different areas of the brain and the varying results that occur. For example, if an individual suffers injury to their amygdala, he becomes calm and almost devoid of emotional ups and downs. People have therefore reasoned that this area of the brain is responsible for exhibiting anger and possessing violent emotions. If the function of a specific area of the brain is a defining characteristic of an individual's personality, then it is almost as if a new person develops, in place of the old, when an injury to that area occurs.

Modern Schizofrenia

"Jacob was no longer Jacob". The most frightening thing about my story is that, although I became somehow very different, I was for a long time not aware of the changes within myself. In class we have explored the nervous system and noted that there is a separate I-function involved, making one aware of the "self". With each class, it becomes more evident that this I-function has less and less control on the rest of the nervous system. Many times the I-function is not aware of things that the nervous system is doing until the person is told what his or her nervous system is doing, (i.e., when the brain makes up an image for the place of vision, the optic nerve, where no sensory receptors are located). So the question I have for people like me, who seem to be totally dissimilar people after suffering a brain trauma, is whether or not their I-functions are aware of the change in personality? People suffering from a personality change are unable to will themselves back to their old personality, even after their I-function is made aware. This furthermore, supports that brain equals behavior, because if behavior was independent of the brain, one would be able to change their personality back despite the brain changes. However, can we ever be sure that, because we are not mind readers, that even though their personality changes, they are not thinking in the same manner, as Descartes would argue? And if the individual thinks in an entirely new manner, would that really be enough to consider him or her a totally different person? I could not write it down less difficult than this.

That is how I feel

The likely reality is that when someone's brain is injured, the function is forever injured as well. There is no separation between mind and brain. Popular opinion of the mind's function is that it is a result of a brain process. Although when the brain loses a function, it is not unlike the reaction incurred in any other part of the body, but the more important query remains. Which characteristics do we use when defining a person's being? If I had suffered from a trauma to any other part of his body and survived, my friends would never have said that I was no longer the same person. Often when people undergo a personality change, their IQ remains unaffected by the injury. This is because of the various tasks delegated to the brain. The frontal lobe has evolved to be the main organizer. If people, like me, damage this region of the brain, their persona changes because this region is imperative for defining one's personality.

the other side of me

What, then, is the most important factor accounting for the way a person becomes defined; what has happened to make the various regions of the brain become so specialized? Has there been a gradual process through evolution that makes the loss of the frontal lobe harder to deal with than the loss of other regions of the brain, or other body parts? Or has the brain always functioned in this manner? When examining the responses to what appears to be injuries that are all serious in nature, it becomes apparent that some injuries are, indeed, more acute than others. Although an injury which is noticeable may on the surface seem more life changing, it cannot be argued that it is the injuries which are held within one's mind that are the most devastating to a person's being. Yes, they are all injuries to the body, but only those touching the brain have the capacity to change the "soul" of a person.

The Old Sailor,