if we use during the holidays a little bit of common sense if it comes to gifts

Dear Bloggers,

We just celebrated Sinterklaas something similar to Christmas only thing that I still don't understand is that parent's want to buy off their guilt feelings with bigger and bigger presents. They better should be worried by the future and our planet. We absolutely could live with less stuff as long a gift comes from the heart.

If Christmas is about presents, then in 2014, my little family and I will have no more Christmas. I mean, we love the caroling and the uncle playing the piano and the cousins running around with my ten year old, daughter and the grandfather trying to get her to sit on his lap and en joying all the good food.

We have, in other words, an amazingly good time.

What we didn’t have, though, was the average €500 hole in our bank accounts, gouged out by Sinterklaaspresent spending. 

(In the Netherlands we celebrate Sinterklaas like Christmas on the 5^th of December) This year we did things a bit different. Nor did we have the credit limit like other years. No, this year only our youngest got something extra but the rest of us got only a few useful items and none of those gifts were what we didn’t really want. We only had one stressful rush of last-minute crowds at the mall.

Without the big presents, you see, we didn’t have the sensation that I, at least, normally associated with Sinterklaas, the stress. And without stress or presents, it’s not Sinterklaas, right? But of course it was. To me it was the best of Sinterklaas, the part that, research shows, makes people happiest. It was all the upside without the downside.

Let me back this up.

From November 2012 to November 2013, I and my little family, one wife, one teen girl, one minor child and two cat’s embarked on a lifestyle experiment in which we tried to live with a lower environmental impact. Among other measures, the experiment included not buying trash and not buying new gadgets that appear later on to be useless anyway.

This may sound like a lot of meaningless self-deprivation, but the question that we wanted to answer was this: Does consuming a fewer resources actually make you feel like deprivation, or is it possible that consuming less opens up another way of life that provides a more enduring satisfaction? Or let me put it another way, can we find a win-win way of life that might be happier both for us and for the whole planet? All big things will start somewhere small in my opinion!

My wife drives the family vehicle. In my little world, cars are a big item I drive a nearly 20 year old environmental unfriendly Peugeot. There are others and it is time to find a newer car with less carbon emission. No, I cannot afford to drive a newer emission free model as I have no financial resources for that, no carbon emissions. Like going by push bike is not an option for me as my work is more than 30 kilometers away unfortunately. 

On the other hand, eating and shopping local and riding bikes instead of driving cars when possible allowed us to lose the so called spare tires around our guts, cure ourselves of longstanding skin problems and insomnia and become generally healthier.

Our experiences illustrated that some uses of planetary resources improve quality of life and some may not. Indeed, we could go a long way toward dealing with the crisis in our planetary habitat.

But as Sinterklaas approached this year, the more pressing question for us was, did the season’s huge consumption of resources add something to the Sinterklaas experience or not? Since one-sixth of all retail sales occurs during the holiday season, it’s a question worth asking.

Despite the fact that people spend relatively large portions of their income on gifts, as well as time shopping for and wrapping them, such behavior apparently contributes little to holiday joy.

I’ve already told you enough to let you guess how my little family’s experience played out, but you may be surprised to learn that our findings are backed up by bona fide psychological research.

Of course, this makes perfect sense. We all know in our hearts that treasuring meaningful experiences and spending time in valued relationships at Sinterklaas, Christmas or any other part of the year make us happier than getting more stuff.

But try telling that to the grandparents at Sinterklaas or Christmas time!

The trick to a happy, sustainable, non-consumptive Sinterklaas was not, we discovered, to ignore the expectations of the people we celebrated with. We didn’t want our loved ones to feel bad. Those who expected presents should get them, we decided. Gifts, after all, are associated with the exchange of love.

Still, my wife, worried very much that it would be hard for the kids if all the cousins had presents to open and they didn’t. Try saying, “The research says you’ll be happier with less.” to a ten year old. 

So we got her some toys and contributed some toys that she had outgrown, to the poor and we wrapped them for Sinterklaas as she had not even unpacked them.

When present-opening time came, my eldest daughter didn’t care whether the present that she was opening was for her or not. Much to our surprise, she didn’t even nag about the fact that she got less this year than her little sister. What was important to her was what turned out to be important to us: the singing, the poems, the laughter, the time spent with family, and of course, the celebration.

Here I gathered some adorable gift ideas that will be affordable, adorable, and festive.

Gifts for Teachers & Tutors

Truly great teachers deserve some special recognition for their hard work and dedication. Show your appreciation at any time with a homemade cookie jar. Simply choose a glass jar with lid and fill it with your choice of ready to eat cookies or layered cookie mix. Attach a label that says, “You are one smart cookie!” and tie a festive ribbon around the neck of the jar. This is also a wonderful gift for someone in a nursing home, although a plastic jar is recommended for safety reasons. 

Gifts for Bus Drivers & Postal Workers

These hard working definitely deserve a nice gift to remind them how much we appreciate their dedication and efforts. For a great gift with almost no fuss, buy a six pack beer and affix a big ribbon and homemade gift tag with the words, “You’re an awesome Bus Driver” or whichever title fits your needs. Finish the gift by attaching a delicious bag of candies and viola… a wonderful and inexpensive gift. This gift is also wonderful for your child’s best friend.

Gifts for Beauticians and Housekeepers

This is a wonderful gift idea for those on your list whose hands and nails could use a little spoiling. Choose an attractive glass jar and fill it with lotion, nail polish, cotton balls, nail polish remover, emery boards, and all the goodies necessary for a luxurious manicure. Tie festive ribbon around the neck and affix a special bow for the top for a sweet treat - a Manicure in a Jar.

Christmas or Sinterklaas is an opportunity to be creative and discover new ways to save money while appreciating everyone who makes life just a bit more enjoyable. These gifts can be altered to suit just about anyone on your Holiday list. 

A gift that is given from the heart is more beautiful. I would say try it and stay on the budget it is more fun to give love than what money can buy.

The Old Sailor, 

Analyzing a Dutch tradition through the history of Western creations of stereotypes of black people

Dear Bloggers,

In the Netherlands we have an old traditon called Sinterklaas his helpers are black petes. Jolly guys who are the best friends of kids now. Although this was different in my childhood if you were naughty you would be beaten with a twitch or even taken to Spain in the sack. I was scared of the guy.
Dutch society, and therefore the Dutch people, take much pride in being extremely tolerant and anti-racist. Their history proves it; their open policies demonstrate it. Yet there is a huge discrepancy between what is claimed by society in general, and what many minorities experience. The traditional Dutch celebration of Santa Clause, “Sinterklaas” in Dutch, is an example of such a discrepancy. The character of Black Pete, “Zwarte Piet,” in the Sinterklaas holiday has been a very controversial issue in The Netherlands. Many believe that the depiction of Black Pete is racist. This blog will look at the historical origins of some of the most standard stereotypes pitted against black people by Europe and the United States, and use them as a foundation for analyzing the portrayal of Black Pete and the controversy surrounding it.

 Sinterklaas en Zwarte Piet

 

Europe and the “Savage”

Throughout history, images of Africa and black people as perceived by Europeans changed with the circumstances of societies. The first major stereotype of black peoples to be discussed is the African "savage". This concept of savagery used against African peoples is not specific to Africa. It is directly related to the Eurocentric belief that technology and industrialization are symbols of, and nature is a symbol of the lack of, evolution and "civilization." Societies which believed that the natural environment was something to be respected and protected to be lived in harmoniously and not owned as they were considered primitive, un-evolved, and unorganized people who had no ability nor desire to make 'good use' of the opportunities right in front of them. This attitude was first developed by European immigrants to the Americas, and expressed through their judgement of Native Americans. Peoples seen as "savage" by Europeans were considered to be sub-human lacking any sort of culture or history and living in anarchy.

 A missionary playing "The white saviour"

The primitive savage stereotype also served as a justification for the missionary in Africa. Africans were depicted as lacking any system of morality or religion, and condemned for heathen practice of worshipping idols connected to the devil and against God/Jesus. Missionary agendas served to defend and maintain the image/self-image and dominant role of the Catholic Church that had been losing ground in a secularized Europe. "Saving the lost heathens" justified the missions, with much of the imagery depicting the missionary as the center of attention, using the "lost heathens" to be "saved" as a sort of scenery always shown in groups, lacking any individuality or characteristic that could personalize, yet in many cases depicted as thankful and/or in adoration of their "white saviour."
Once the colonial rule was established, however, the African could no longer be depicted as the enemy: "Savages had to be turned into political subjects." The brutal and threatening savage was turned into a childlike, unintelligent, and therefore harmless savage, content with the colonial establishment. This, of course, was the same as the stereotypes propagated by the missions. It served the Europeans' need to not feel threatened by Africans, and to have one's justifications for colonization (including conversion) validated; they needed and wanted to be 'taken care of', and the hierarchy within this was a natural product of the inherent state of the African and the European. Thus developed the notion of the colonized spectacle: black people functioning for the entertainment and enjoyment of Europeans.
I would explain it "this kind of humour serves as part of the culture of domination. Laughter stigmatises and thus demarcated the frontier between cultural worlds."

 Native African or Savage

 

Sinterklaas and Zwarte Piet

In The Netherlands, Santa Clause, the character developed from the historical figure (or some say legend) Saint Nicholas, is celebrated separately from the traditional Christmas holiday. Contrary to the American Santa Clause coming from the North Pole with his reindeer; the Dutch Sinterklaas comes from Spain on a boat with a group of black servants, the Black Petes (“Zwarte Pieten”). Let me try to explain how Sinterklaas is celebrated. "A few weeks before the official holiday, Sinterklaas comes to the Netherlands (and Belgium) on his steamboat with all his Petes, into the city and the presents which they prepared in Spain during the year." This is a performance by adults for the children in nearly all major cities. The event is shown on Dutch television. The Mayor of a given city welcomes Sinterklaas. Schools and families welcome Black Petes. Towards December 5th, children can put their shoes in front of the fireplace. During the night St. Nicholas visits all the houses by traveling over the roofs on his horse. Often the children put straw, carrots and water near their shoes for the horse. Black Pete enters the houses through the chimney to put little presents in the children's shoes.
Theories about the history behind the characters of Sinterklaas and Zwarte Piet vary. The story of Saint Nicholas exists in various European countries. St. Nicholas was a bishop of Myra, (in the region of present-day Turkey) in the 4th century A.D. There are many legends about the exceptional selfless acts of kindness he is said to have performed in his life for many kinds of people. The Catholic Church declared him a saint. Many tales about his life made him the patron saint of almost every possible group in the society. There are a lot of speculations, but none of them are based on facts. The legends about St. Nicholas are all written after his death…and cannot be proven.
Others claim that St. Nicholas did exist but that the Sinterklaas of today is a fusion of St. Nicholas and Wodan, the ancient Germanic god. As the highest god, Wodan had a fellowship. He rode an eight-legged horse in the sky, and was assisted by his two servants, Eckhard and Oel. Wodan also owned a javelin with a snake and two black ravens, which would inform him about the behavior of people on the ground. In the Middle Ages Sinterklaas traveled with a creature on a leash that represented the devil. “This creature disappeared for a couple of centuries. At the end of the 19th century, Sinterklaas was again given a servant, a young black man in the costume of a 16th century page.

 Native Americans

 

The speculations about this figure are varied as well. In 1850 Jan Schenkman wrote a children’s book called ‘Saint Nicholas and His Servant’. There is no name given to this "servant." He is simply referred to as such. Some claim that the portrait of the servant is inspired by the representations of the Moors in portrait art of the 17th and 18th century.
Enter the modern day Sinterklaas and Zwarte Piet. Leading up to W.W.II, Black Pete’s job was to investigate which children had been “bad,” and to take them away in his sack and/or whip them for discipline. Today, the dominating image of Black Pete is more one of entertainment for others’ enjoyment: He helps Sinterklaas deliver the presents and no longer acts as the one who brings punishment to the bad children. But the old task of Black Pete is still referred to in a funny matter. Many parents joke and say “I will tell Black Pete to take you with him to Spain!”. Sinterklaas will ask Black Pete to see ‘The Book’, which lists all the right and wrong things a child did. Over time, Zwarte Piet’s character morphed into a group of Black Petes; all considered a Zwarte Piet, but each with different characteristics.
In the celebrations, Sinterklaas, who is white, is played by a white person. Black Pete is played in full blackface, usually by a white person as well, or by a black person also in blackface. The actors paint their faces black with huge red lips, wear a curly wig and Moorish dress. “They are portrayed as young, and agile, and do much running and jumping around and acting like acrobats," as they need to climb on the roof. Sinterklaas is portrayed as old, wise, mature, calm, and in control. In celebrations and the media, Black Pete is overwhelmingly viewed by children and adults as unintelligent and clownish.

 The boat with presents for everyone

 

These and other characteristics were found to be typical characteristics of Black Pete as well as black characters in general in Dutch children’s books.
Sinterklaas is considered the employer/owner of Black Pete. Black Pete has no autonomy with regards to what he is doing or where he is going; Sinterklaas is the boss. He will tell Black Pete, for example, to give him his book and hold his staff. Furthermore, Sinterklaas will sit on a chair while the Black Petes always stand. The Black Petes are holding the sack with presents and the roe (a kind whip which is not in use anymore) in the other hand. Sinterklaas would decide if the child needed to get the roe or a present.
Many people would describe the overall image of Black Pete’s portrayal as “white people dressing up as black and acting stupid.” This sentiment is echoed by a lot of dark skinned people on of them is a 15 year old student who recalls celebrating Sinterklaas in her younger years at school: “they are like Santa's helpers…the funny one, the grumpy one, the nice one…I do think it’s discriminatory, – the way he acts and everything, it is very messed up …they’re sort of dumb on the TV and all.” Another trend in the portrayal of Black Pete is for those playing him to speak with a Surinamese accent. It's just that children will subconsciously store all this information and when they've read another book or see something on television, etc. that's the same, it's also stored, and it adds up."
For these and many other reasons, some people see Sinterklaas as it is now done as racist in nature. Black Pete has similarities with remainings of concepts from the transatlantic Dutch colonial and slave past.
Actions of different organizations and institutes are almost 20 years focused on reorientation of the concept or abolishment of Black Pete because of the racist element and its psychological effect on the black Dutch children of African descent. 

 Zwarte Piet or Black Pete

 

The way Sinterklaas and Black Petes are celebrated has a negative imagebuilding with children because of the projection of a superior white race of Sinterklaas against the inferior black race of a dumb black helping Pete, and so the superior vs. inferior thoughts are growing.
Other people in Dutch society, mostly white but some of color, disagree with these sentiments. Some recurring themes were "why do we have to change tradition? We've been celebrating it this way since for years." A very common argument is that Sinterklaas is for children who love Sinterklaas. Therefore it is not racist. Adults are making it into something that children don't even care about. Sinterklaas is considered not racist because it is a Dutch tradition which children enjoy”. This is not the case for many black children.
The only thing I can still remember with certainty is the black make-up on my skin as if my face became heavier, the thick layer of lipstick of which I had the feeling that it would slide into my mouth if I would talk too much, and that I found it ordinary that I became Black Pete, although destiny had designated me as a Sinterklaas...I end up to the conclusion that this was 'normal'.
Other defenses of Sinterklaas have been more threatening in their nature. Many are openly dismissive of the raising of the issue, seeing it as an example of Dutch culture being stripped away by the growing immigrant population. One will hear statements such as "we have so little left." People will become quite angry about it. Recent research on racism in the Netherlands, spoke of some of these issues as well. It focused on the trend of Dutch people using Sinterklaas as a measure of how 'integrated' an allochtoon (an immigrant or (grand) child of an immigrant) really is. They will ask "do you like Sinterklaas?…do you enjoy Sinterklaas?…"
There is this anti-racist norm, but there is also a very strong feeling that anything should be able to be said, there should be no taboos…but people aren't allowed to say anything is racist. Nothing can be racist, it's just too bad…There is racism somewhere, but this particular thing is not part of that…accepting it would require action…if we all agree it is not so bad, then we don't have to do anything about it.

 Cartoon of Sjors and Sjimmie and how they adapted through time

 

Other responses to the idea of Sinterklaas exposed another aspect of the common Dutch mentality. Many have expressed sentiments such as "it's silly to think that Black Pete makes people believe that all black people are like Black Pete." But still it is recognized as the colonial and blackface elements, yet still do not believe it to be a big deal. "There's so many other bad things in the world…If black people are celebrating it…" Many other dismissive sentiments were expressed throughout the discussion of Black Pete, during the lst couple of weeks.

 Sinterklaas riding his white horse Amerigo

 

Analysis

Examination of the history of white depictions of black people exposes the deeply ingrained stereotypes that are inherent within and promoted through the Sinterklaas and Black Pete tradition as it has been and is celebrated. The physical characteristics portrayed in Zwarte Piet are the standard western stereotypes of black people as expressed through imagery and performance. Black Piet is an expression of numerous classic Western prejudices against black peoples that depict inferiority. He conveys the position of both a servant, and the child that exemplifies the paternal/ childlike imagery of the colonizer to the colonized, the missionary to the converted, and the master to the servant. He embodies stupidity as well as the immaturity created as justification for reason to discipline as well as the comedic spectacle of the African too savage to be able to fully become 'civilized'. He is pitted against the personalization and reverence of the one white savior-like figure among the masses.
What needs to be addressed is not whether this tradition (or elements of it) is racist, but why the majority of Dutch society is denying the truth that it is. The answer, we believe, is not at all specific to the unique characteristics of the Sinterklaas/Zwarte Piet issue. The answer is not even specific to the Netherlands, or to Europe for that matter. The larger issue is the gross misunderstanding of what "racism" is, of how "racism" works, and white guilt and identity.

 Wodan on his eight legged horse Sleipnir

 

Those who have a deeper understanding, however, know that "racism" represents a state of mind that supports or creates means of causing harm to one or more specific racial groups. Racism is not just explicit: it is implicit, and, in fact, is mostly implicit. Racism is not just the conscious; it is subconscious and, in fact, is mostly subconscious. Racism does not just enter the minds of whites but is internalized in the views of people of color themselves. Racism is not just about intention: it is about function, and, in fact, is mostly about function. One cannot just adhere to stereotypes about others and then claim they're not racist because they didn't mean to harbor the prejudice that exists inside them. For a marginalized person, any experience with prejudice, is an experience with racism.
Is this only out of ignorance however, or does it also stem from people's resistance to face their own demons? Haven’t these issues been brought up before, or does our extremist definition of racism serve as a way for us to separate ourselves from those other kinds of people, who intentionally and openly hate. Can we look down on them and say, "I'm not racist, I'm not one of them?" 

 Odin and his black crow

 

What happens when one is so concerned with not being something that the people refuse to look at themselves critically in fear of finding what they don't like, and in many cases greatly oppose? But the resistance keeps the Dutch and so many other people from being able to learn about the more complex, subtler, psychological, and institutionalized aspects of racism in an open, objective, and holistic way.
When someone says Sinterklaas is not racist, answer, "what is racism," not "yes it is." When someone says they should be free to say whatever they want, tell them that you also should be free to point out the prejudice inherent in what they say. And furthermore, if they believed in what say they believe in, they would be not resistant but open to the comment because that is how growth and change takes place. When someone says Sinterklaas is an old Dutch tradition, ask them if they then believe that other cultures of people who have come to the Netherlands should hold on to all of their traditions regardless of anything else. This will expose the hypocrisy that often rests in their answer. And when they say again, (as they often will) "but it's our tradition," what would be your answer?

The Old Sailor,

Ten years after the fall

Dear Bloggers,

In 2003 we just moved into this house, I slipped and fell down the stairs. The doctor was called and as it looked bad as they thought i had broken my neck or spine, the ambulance service was called. The light was out in my head and things past around me in a far distance. The paramedics were rushing in, to treat a man who’d had made a crash landing from the stairs, when they spotted me lying in the middle of the hall next to the staircase.

I was conscious, alive and talking with a double tongue- but my blood pressure and pulse were normal, Only my head and left hand hurt. I can't remember much of that night. The next morning when i was woken up by the nurse. The doctor said that i should consider myself lucky.

It was 11am and I said i wanted to go home: but the medics persuaded her to stay at the hospital.'If you get a second chance in life, you ask yourself what you are going to do with it,' 

My head soon hurt so much that I was sent for a CT scan.
The scan showed I was suffering a contusion but there were no hematomas on the scan but there was a lot of activity across the brain.‘I’ll never know what happened. Last thing i remember that i was on top of the stairs. 

I was transferred to the head trauma centre at the local hospital in Heerenveen, and by the time my wife arrived from our home 15 minutes later, They gave her a status update that there might be a chance on brain damage and only time could tell.
Thankfully the paramedics did everything to save me, but my life nonetheless changed for ever that night.Before her accident, this fit and fiercely independent young man, who became friends with everyone became a lot more distant even to the ones the closest to me. Emotional there was no such thing as that one guy that I vaguely recognized from the past. The body was me but I was trapped in my own brain. And somehow I am still searching for the old me. 
 

  
I was now facing an arduous recovery. The injury left me with a blurred vision in the left eye, extreme exhaustion and what I would describe as a ‘constant heaviness’ in the head.
Now, ten years on, I need 8 hours sleep a night any less and I suffer from‘cracking headaches’ that can last for several days. And I am yawning all the way when i am behind the wheel. I also have occasional memory lapses. I am still hopeful things will keep improving, but there are no guarantees.'I could have kept a diary so I can remind myself I am getting better,' but no I didn't and it is hard to remember after all those years.
Every year, 21,000 people are admitted to hospital in the Netherlands with a brain injury. 

It’s likely that I've hit the wall with my head when I fell down the stairs or was knocked out by the hard floor. But the causes of brain injuries can range from falling down the stairs, to a stroke or heart attack that interrupts the brain’s oxygen supply.
‘I made a really good recovery they say, but often patients don’t do so well.
'It depends on the kind of injury, as well as the support they get,’ said my Neurologist.
When the brain is injured, it swells like any other body part, he explained.
‘But the skull is fixed — there’s nowhere for the brain to go, so it gets squashed. That’s why rapid diagnosis is needed.

‘The regions of the brain that control the basic functions that support life can get squashed out of the tiny hole at the bottom of the skull where the brain meets the spinal cord. That’s often what kills patients.’ More and more people are surviving brain injury and stroke, but the long-term consequences can be devastating. In my case my character changed.
The area of the brain that controls emotions may be damaged, as a result of which a patient’s personality can change. Rates of depression and anxiety are high, often leading to relationship breakdown. And that is something that still scares me.

Cognitive and memory problems are common, too, which can make your job impossible.
The brain moves when it is injured, which may cause the axons — fibres that send signals between brain cells — to tear, so signals travel more slowly.Tiredness is also a problem, as the brain must work harder in everyday tasks. The area controlling sleep can be damaged, too.

After leaving hospital, I spent at least four months at home, sleeping for much of the day and taking short walks. In the beginning I was falling over and I lied to my wife that nothing happened.
Gradually, the energy began to return. And before long, I hit upon a desire to take a long walk.Secretly, I made plans to get back to the point were i was before the accident. So with a lot of help from good friends. I learned most things back although calculating from the head is still not back, furthermore my character has still not changed back. I am more grumpy and I am missing the soft side of me. It is somewhere out there but I have not found it yet. I am afraid that somethings are not changing back.

‘If you get a second chance in life, you ask yourself what you are going to do with it,’
‘I wanted to get away from everything to think.’ In July, five months after the accident, I set off and got back to my working place again. Language was the main problem as English is the language used among an international crew. My wife had to do the talking as I could not find the words. Very irritating when you know what to say but simply cannot speak the language anymore. I was totally frustrated and went off like a mad man on my wife. Who had done the best way of English she could but there was no appreciation from my side only anger.

The doctors thought it would provide a goal, and a good rehabilitation process.
‘I think I was still slightly not with it. Lots of people have said to my wife, “I can’t believe that you don't let him go” but she said he is 35 and I still love him. I guess that she is longing for the guy she dell in love with. I was so focused on my own recovery that I forgot to work on my soft side. They couldn’t really stop me even if they’d tried. I’ve gone deep but believe me, I never been a quitter.’

It was a journey that would have tested even the most hardened. It has been hell week for more than a year in a row. Most people I met were doing just a section of the epic stretch. They were astounded that this young man was attempting to do the whole thing alone.
I practised from dawn till dusk on languages for six months, with only a few stops. I had to get back in the saddle and feed my family again.

I endured moments of ‘desperate’ loneliness and such a sore head that ‘if someone had offered to cut it off, I’d have said yes’. 
 

Some things, though, have changed for the better.
‘I don't think I’ve become a nicer person. Everyone in my family says they preferred the old me. 'It’s as if I’ve had an edge knocked off, I don’t have the energy to bulldoze through life anymore. ‘I’m less patient, and more openly emotional. I’ve got a calmness that I’ve never had before.’ Before I would fight with everyone and take up the discussion.
I prefer not to dwell on what happened that night it sometimes makes me curious, but I’m not sure I want to open that door again.

The doctors warned me that my brain injury can lead to depression, but I think it’s had the reverse effect on me. ‘From the moment I woke up that morning in hospital, I felt like I was drunk and really happy. ‘I’ve experienced depression, and it’s only when you nearly lose your life that you feel guilty that you ever had those dark thoughts that you wanted to end it.

‘You think: “Woah, hang on a minute! I actually want to stay alive.”



The Old Sailor,

Making contact is that simple, if you know how.

Dear Bloggers,

How easily to do you connect with other people?
Some people are just able to connect with others within just a few seconds of meeting them for the first time, whilst for other people it’s a real challenge when meeting new people.

We all need people to make our life a more joyous one and connecting with people is one of the most inspiring, fulfilling and valuable actions we can do.
Yet we often miss out on great opportunities to create friendships. At the same time, it is actually relatively simple to create a good connection and become more likeable when you meet new people.

There is no rocket science in all of these things.First of all you havr to believe in You and the rest will come. How to change yourself in 8 steps.


Step 1 – Become aware of your relationships
Step 2 – Love yourself first, before loving anyone else
Step 3 – Love yourself whitout becoming full of yourself
Step 4 – Love is all that matters
Step 5 – Create energising Relationships
Step 6 – Declutter your friends it is good for you and them
Step 7 – Stop bending for other people!
Step 8 – Be special to find someone special


Today we’ll look at some simple steps to come across better to other people when you first meet them.
The steps are indeed simple – yet we forget and often end up over analysing.
You simply have to learn and apply these 10 key secrets for becoming likeable to other people when you first meet them:

1. Smile

The best thing you can do when you meet someone for the first time is simply smile! This is the number one secret for getting people to like you instantly – and it is free:-)
Try this time next you are in a crowd of strangers. Just smile gently and see what reaction you get back.

2. Remember their Name

When you first meet someone, ask them their name and then be sure to remember it.
If their name is unusual ask them how it should be correctly pronounced and even ask where it is from.
Be sure to address them by their name early on in the conversation – that will also help you remember it.
To most people, the sound of their own name is the most beautiful sound in the world!
If it helps, write their name down if they haven’t given you their business or personal card.

3. Look People in the Eye

In any conversation, look at the person you are talking to and maintain eye contact as appropriate. This will also help you follow what they are saying.
Clearly you don’t want to spook them out by fixedly staring into their eyes either!
If you can’t get used to the idea of looking people in the eye, then practice looking into your own eyes in front of a mirror. This can be quite a confrontational exercise for some people but it will do wonders for your own self-acceptance.

4. Listen Completely

The greatest gift you can give a person is your undivided attention. Practise your listening skills by focusing completely on that person and being present.
Give them your 100% attention.
Stop your mind from wandering and focus on what they are saying. Make the other person feel important. Your undivided attention tells the other person that you genuinely value them.
Be genuinely interested in other people.
The emphasis here is on being interested rather than ‘interesting’. Be genuine about this and do not fake it. Focus on what they have to say rather than harping on about yourself and your own grandness!
Just remember the old saying – we all have two ears and one mouth – use them accordingly.
The key is to be completely present for the other person and to truly listen with your heart.

Ultimately, it all comes down again to truly listening to what people say – and also don’t say.
And of course, do actually contribute to the conversation! Listening properly doesn’t mean you don’t add any value to the conversation. Make sure your verbal communication is an equal and two way process.

5. Build Empathy and Rapport

As you listen, build empathy and rapport with your new friend.
Focus not on just the words but the nuances of what they are saying. For example, do they sound excited or bored when they talk about their job?
You will also pick up clues and remember what to talk about later in your conversation – they will be impressed with what you have remembered.
By truly empathising with the other person, you will get to understand better their point of view. And people just adore those who are interested in their point of view!

6. Look for Opportunities of Helping Them

As you get to know someone better, look for ways of helping and supporting them perhaps by referring them to a friend who could be interested in their service.
Look for ways of connecting new friends with any existing like minded friends. If you have promised to do something for them, make sure you do so promptly.
You will soon create a reputation as someone who is highly connected, someone who can be trusted and someone who delivers!
One trick I use is to write down in my contacts database, the details of any new person I meet plus a couple of personal details such as what they do and their passions.
At the same time, remember that you are “helping” them to help themselves!
Remember Stop bending for other people!

7. Don’t Give Advice!

Sometime during a conversation with a new friend, you may be tempted to simply butt in and offer a solution.
However before you do so, always seek permission before you offer your input as people don’t like to be seen to be helpless.
Also, your advice should be subtly delivered rather than telling them bluntly what they should do.
Of course as your friendship develops you can be more forthcoming with your words of wisdom – but again usually with their permission.
Needless to say, it is important to be respectful of other people’s feelings and opinions. Be tactful as appropriate to the situation.
At the same time, though some people may seek out your advice they just don’t want to change – in that case, let them be and don’t make it your issue.
I guess it all comes down to the type of situation. If you feel your advice will add value to the exchange then offer it.
Look back in your own life and remember a situation when someone has barged in and told you what to do! How did you feel internally about that?

8. Be Positive

Everyone likes to be around someone who is positive, energetic and bubbly, and not someone who is a merchant of doom and gloom.
As I heard someone say once – some people light up the room when they enter it, others light it up when they leave! Which one would you rather be?
At a networking or social event wouldn’t you rather speak to the happy confident looking person or the one who looks miserable?!
Life is too short to go around with a miserable face.
So never dump your stuff on others.
Also, learn to only say good things about others – never gossip about others as it will inevitably come back to you, and affect your friendships. Assume that anyone you are talking about can hear what you are saying about them. And actually at a subconscious level they are.
If people know you as a positive person who doesn’t get involved in gossiping, they will know you can be trusted and you will soon have a reputation as someone with integrity.
Of course we should be our authentic self at all times. And it that means we are feeling down and not so positive, then so be it. I would then suggest that that is not the best time for you to be out there meeting new people!

9. Be Friendly and Open

It goes without saying that you must be friendly and open to make new friends! Yet so often people go through life closed and not open to new opportunities and friendships.
Knowing that everyone around you is doing the best they can, you can let down your own guard and become more open and even vulnerable.
Show your appreciation and gratitude in every way you can. Say your thanks genuinely and wholeheartedly to your new friends and especially to all those strangers who do so much to make your life convenient and easy, such as shop assistants, the postman and the cleaning lady.
Your new friends will gauge you on how well you treat strangers – so make it a life long habit to be always pleasant and friendly to all strangers who cross your path.

10. Be Authentic and a Person of Integrity

Do you go through life trying to impress others with your status, fame and achievements? If that is the case, then know that doing so rarely makes people genuinely like you.
From today onwards, give up trying to impress others and especially so when you meet new people. Instead of blowing your own trumpet too loudly, just be authentic.
Who you are will shine through more brightly than any number of accolades or worldly ornaments. Just remember what Ghandi achieved with his simple garb!
Who you are being stands out more brightly and loudly than anything you do or any words you say ever can.
It is important to be your word and be responsible. You can be the most interesting person in the world, the most compassionate and the funniest one but if you are not a person of integrity, then nobody will take you seriously.
By being responsible you show that you care about other people and that you value their time and interests. People will like you once they find out that they can rely on you and that you are responsible for every word you say.
Do what you say you will do – and be your word.

Final Words

People will come and go from your life, but their impact and their essence remains with you forever.
It is therefore up to you what you make of their presence in your life – and by applying these 10 secrets of becoming likeable, you will never again be short of true friends:-)
More than anything, recognise that we are all here only for a short time, so let’s use this time to the max and have a great time while we are here!
What are your secrets for becoming likeable?
Please do share your own secrets below in the comments.

Just try this the next time:
The next time today or tomorrow you are in conversation with someone, reflect on just how much listening you are actually doing. Note how your mind is sometimes racing away with your own thoughts.
Slow down your mind and focus more intently on the other person and what they are saying. Notice how your connection becomes deeper straightaway.
And then share below how you found this experience.

 The Old Sailor,